South Side (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - College - full transcript
While Simon schools a group of high school students, Goodnight realizes that his wife might be involved in a dangerously delicious cult.
- ♪ Ready, go, move at light
speed, light speed, yeah ♪
♪ You don't like it, bite me,
bite me, yeah ♪
♪ I'll start the day
riding and lightning ♪
- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Nice hoodie, bruh.
Can I see the back?
- Ow!
- D fam.
These high school kids
have not changed.
That look like that hurt.
- Yep, I remember the pain
in those eyes.
- Where the fuck is everybody?
- Still assholes.
Like I was saying, I might not
wear glasses on Earth,
but I may need
glasses in space.
- I could see that.
- See, because microgravity...
[soft music]
♪ ♪
'Cause the more blood
that goes into your brain,
it could deform your eyeballs.
- Huh, I never thought
about that.
Oh, man.
- Made you look. Fuck boy.
- Fuck. Where's our food?
I'm hungry.
[dramatic music]
- Whoa! Whoa!
- [yelps]
- [grunts]
[dishes clattering]
[people clamoring]
- Who threw the fucking ball?
[people shouting]
♪ ♪
- Ah!
- My baby!
That was my school project.
I was supposed
to take care of it
to learn the responsibilities
that come with being a parent.
Now I'm probably gonna
have sex...unprotected.
- ♪ I was born
on the South Side ♪
♪ I was raised
on the South Side ♪
♪ Everybody stick together
like we in the land ♪
♪ 'Cause it ain't no side
like the South Side ♪
♪ On the South Side,
South Side ♪
- Zip--I got ten minutes
before the class starts.
I don't want to hear it.
- [whispering]
Ms. Gurvey. Ms. Gurvey.
- Ms. Gurvey.
We Humpty-Dumpty'd his shit.
We broke his egg project.
- What is this?
- If I may, ma'am, I did this
to my friend who obviously
can't take a joke.
And by the way,
I got you too, Ms. Gurvey.
But then he slammed
little baby Raheem
on the back of my neck.
So as we have just proven,
Raheem deserves an A.
- Listen, I don't know
who you are,
and I don't know what this is,
but Raheem is
a straight-F student.
- What?
- Whether Baby Heem got here
safe and sound is irrelevant.
- Please, Mrs. Gurvey,
I don't want to be
the first person in my family
to not go to college.
I'll be a failure.
- There is nothing I can do.
Now, why don't we just
finish out the year
and just go our separate ways?
- You failed everything?
- Yeah.
- Art?
- Yeah.
- PE?
- Yeah.
- Advanced calculus?
- I don't even know
what that is, man.
- It's calculus,
and it's advanced.
Duh.
- Hold on, partner.
You don't need a college degree
to be successful.
Even without a degree,
you could be a CNA,
a personal assistant--
shit, you can even
get a food truck.
Ain't that right, Ms. Gurvey?
- Hell yeah.
My beautician make
more money than me.
- I heard that.
- Even though I can't,
under union rules,
technically agree
that college is optional.
- Shit, I can.
I got several businesses.
And I'm Twitter friends
with Cap Hedges.
- Let me see that.
- Damn, his ass
should be teaching us.
- That's enough, Kenielle.
You trying to get me
fired again?
- No, I'm not.
- Mm-hmm.
I know you signed
that petition, little girl.
- And it almost worked.
- Oh, wow.
Cap Hedges liked
your last tweet.
- Mm-hmm.
- And you're followed
by Taye Diggs?
"The Best Man"?
- Mm-hmm.
- Listen, are you interested
in becoming
a mentor for the schools?
We could use some Black men.
- I am not interested
in helping
other people's kids for free.
Sorry, kids.
- Boo!
- Listen, the school is broke,
but I can pay you a little
something out of pocket.
- OK.
- My husband is in
the Parker House
Sausage family.
- Mm.
- Good morning,
Vice Principal Langford.
- Sausage lady.
There's his caramel
Frappuccino latte-looking ass.
Who are you?
I haven't seen you
on school grounds before.
Check him for guns.
He got a bulge in his pants.
See what that is.
- Oh, that's new.
Pat-downs
without the actual pat.
You guys ever see that before?
- Science fair?
Psst. Hey, kid.
You want to switch identities
for a week?
- Bet.
[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
- Thank you so much
for being here.
- Mm-hmm.
- So basically, one day,
I started to feel
this pain in my penis.
And it was only really
when I peed,
so I called the doctor
and I asked him--
I said, "Is it possible
for a man to get UTI?"
'Cause, you know, that's
a woman's disease, I thought.
And, you know, he responded
pretty egregiously,
and he said some mean things
to me
about not having sex ever
in life.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Then I remembered
two days before,
I was walking down these steps.
There's a pair of--there's,
like, maybe 10 to 15 steps.
And I didn't see there was
a second set of steps.
And I tripped.
Apparently, I got
some penis damage.
- Right.
- And this penis damage
mimicked the symptoms of a UTI.
And look,
I'm not a snitch, but...
these are the culprits,
all right?
- When you think of frosting,
you probably think,
"Oh, I need some baked goods
to put it on."
But that is just society
telling you
what to put your frosting on.
But what if I said you don't
need any of those things?
Presenting
It's Not Just For Cakes,
frosting for every occasion
and every single day.
- Question.
- Yeah.
- Can I put it on my man?
- Absolutely. I do.
- What?
- Palms up, hearts open.
Who wants a splurt?
♪ I walked home
in the gloaming ♪
♪ City lights coming on ♪
♪ I saw a radiant future
foaming ♪
♪ A light meringue,
a brand-new dawn ♪
♪ A pump or two
straight to the tongue ♪
♪ In your pantry,
in your purse ♪
♪ We'll rise up
to inherit the Earth ♪
♪ Welcome to the... ♪
both: ♪ Frostingverse ♪
[applause]
- You know, folks,
I've got pamphlets up here.
And if you have any questions,
please let me know, OK?
- Frosting-related questions
only, OK?
We're not therapists yet.
- Telling you, don't play
with this stuff.
- You know what,
I'm having so much fun
riding along with my man.
- Yeah, it's been nice
to have you,
but I gotta tell you
bad-ish news.
Me and the Turn-Burner
gotta head on down
to the Evergreen Park stable.
Someone's down there
tagging horses,
and the horses do not like it.
- Oh.
In that case,
I might just hoof it.
- A horse killed a guy.
- Oh, God.
- It caved in
the side of his head.
- How un-horse-unate.
- Sweetie.
- It makes me saddle.
- No, don't--come on, now.
It's not funny.
He had kids.
- I'll reign it in.
- Hey.
- Is for horses.
[laughs]
OK. Hi.
- Hold on. Here he come.
Here he come.
All right, I gotta go work.
I'ma call you back.
I'ma call you back.
- Let's do the horsey thing.
To the neigh-borhood.
- Hey, so you know
It's Not Just For Cakes
is a cult, right?
- Oh, my God.
- Okay, no, listen.
- Come on, Turn. Goddamn.
- One, they all wear the same--
- My wife can't do
nothing without--
- Ugly vests. Dos, OK?
They're anti-diabetes,
so it's all
"big insulin" this,
"big insulin" that.
Tres, my cousin friend--
- Oh, your cousin's friend.
Oh, excuse us.
- She got wrapped up
in that shit,
and we still haven't seen her.
And I heard the FBI
is getting involved.
- OK.
- OK?
And cuatro, they demand access
to all your checking
and savings accounts.
- Cinco.
- That's a cult.
- You named cinco things
and you said cuatro.
- OK, see, you not focusing
on the right thing.
[chalk scratching]
- There it is right there, OK?
The most important thing
you're gonna learn today.
All investment
comes from savings.
Remember that. You too.
If you guys want
to start a business,
you need an investment.
- Businesses...
[laughs]
Are built on ideas, Mr. James.
That's all you need, kids,
is good ideas.
- Wrong,
because ideas are everywhere.
The limiting factor is capital.
- These children
need to develop
critical thinking skills.
The only place to do that
is in college.
- Ted Turner, billionaire.
Never went to college.
- Michael Jordan,
UNC-Chapel Hill.
- Mark Zuckerberg,
college dropout.
- Tyra Banks,
college like a mug.
The Loyola Marymount
University.
- Henry Ford, y'all, dropped
out of school when he was 16.
And Halle Berry
dropped out of college.
And when I was younger,
I had several pictures
of her on my wall--
- Excuse me, kids.
I don't think you should be
listening to a man...
- What?
- Who steals furniture
for a living.
- I do not steal.
- You probably should be
at work right now.
Here. Take that with you.
It's rented.
- Eh, it's not one of ours.
- Where the fuck
are Simon and K?
And who is that?
- The only difference
is the wattage.
I mean, these two are very
underpowered in my opinion.
So, like,
you're making popcorn.
Two minutes,
two minutes, 30 seconds.
It might take,
like, four minutes.
- I don't know
who that girl is,
but she been
working her ass off.
She reorganized electronics
and killed all the flies,
including that big-ass one
that morphed.
- I thought
it was quiet in here.
I'll tell you what she
didn't do is check this lotion.
I think it's expired.
- That's not--never mind.
- OK, I think
she's coming out any second.
- Mm.
Still don't think
this is a cult?
I mean, you must.
We're here.
- OK.
Remember how I told you
my cousin was sick?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I told Kitty,
and Kitty suggested
that she try frosting.
- Cult.
- Yeah.
Now she has cancer
and diabetes.
- Damn.
- Kitty says it evens her out.
I just wish
she had her foot back.
She loved soccer.
Oh, she's coming out.
She's coming out.
- She looks crazed.
- She's skipping,
and it makes her happy.
You should try it.
- Your cousin should try it.
- You know she can't.
[door clicks]
- Hi. How you doing?
- Welcome to
It's Not Just For Cakes.
Would you like
some tasting gloves?
- No.
- Oh, I've had more
than enough splurts
in my mouth today.
- Well, have you tried
our new flavor, 7-Up?
- Oh, they got--
- Can we go in there?
- Sorry, that's where our new
associates get programmed.
- Oh, OK, I guess
this is what you use
to tape their eyelids open
while you program them,
'cause I haven't seen one of
you motherfuckers blink once.
- Turner.
- I blink.
- I haven't seen it.
That's what I said.
I haven't seen it.
- Just did.
- You did not blink.
- I did blink.
- No, you did not.
- It takes me a second.
- It's looking
difficult for you.
- Look, she can't even cry.
Oh, there it is.
- Okay.
- You're welcome.
- Well that's--
- I delivered you.
Congratulations.
- OK, good.
- Officer, if you have
a problem, it's--
- Our problem is that frosting
is literally just for cakes.
That's it.
That's my fucking problem.
- That's not what they do here,
Turner.
- You're one of those people,
aren't you?
- Oh, "those people"?
- Ooh, watch it.
- The harassment
and the accusations,
everywhere we go--
in my own apartment complex,
when I walk my dog,
in the theater.
"Oh, what's up,
frosting bitch?"
I'm sick of it.
We are trying
to change the world
one dollop at a time.
- That's enough, Judrith.
Ricky, please relieve her.
- Mm. He told you.
Go on, Judrith.
- We are accustomed
to skepticism
from the outside world.
We don't always handle it
with aplomb.
Do we, Judrith?
- I will remain
on top of it all
like the frosting is
to the cake.
- I'm Wheyland Pace. Frostings.
- Oh. Frostings.
That's how they say hi.
- Yeah. No shit.
- Frostings.
- No, not me.
- Allen. What's up, man?
What you doing here?
- Mr. Alderman, nice check.
- It's probably
business stuff, right?
- I'm so happy
you guys are here.
This is perfect timing.
This is perfect--Wheyland
and I were just discussing
the urgent need for more
Black-owned businesses
right here on the South Side.
- Mm-mm.
This ain't the South Side.
- This ain't a Black-owned
business, unless--
no, he ain't just
light-skinned.
- No, no, no.
That is a white man. Yes.
- What is this,
1 South Michigan?
So technically,
this is the South Side.
- No.
- I mean, you call it that.
And I'm behind that, but--
- It's not a thing.
I'm not behind it.
- 22nd is usually what people
think the South Side is.
- I believe they call this
the Wild Ones.
- We're kind of downtown-ish.
- Mm-hmm.
But it's cool.
- It's not cool.
- Wheyland, these are
the wardens of the 51st,
Officer Xenobia Turner
and my very good friend
Alessandro Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Ah, you must be
Kitty's husband.
- Guilty as charged.
- She came to us
like a shining seagull
on the beach of despair.
- Yeah, that's her all right.
Listen, Mr. Pace, we just
have a couple questions--
- Come.
Let me show you our world.
Please take a badge.
Wear it at all times.
If you drop it, don't move.
Help will be on the way.
[whimsical music]
Let's splurt.
[door chimes]
♪ ♪
- Oh, shit.
[grunting]
Okey-dokey.
- Did you know
that every human has
a distinct taste bud pattern?
That's what makes you special.
Yeah, I got a lot
of new flavors.
That one's--
oh, that one's full.
OK.
Do you see all the new ones?
Oh, I can give you
a sample of one of these.
This one's...
Ah!
They're making my origin story,
selling frosting
out of the trunk of my car.
That's me in the '90s.
I had more hair, right?
You'll crack that pistachio
problem someday, Fernando.
Never give up.
I'm serious.
Don't stop unless I say so.
And this is
the erotic frostings room.
[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
♪ Just a little bit, bit, bit,
bit, bit, bit, bit ♪
♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
- We better leave before
all of us get super horny.
- Mm-mm.
- We'll knock down
this entire wall
and built a luxury natatorium
for every person in Chicago...
who works for me.
[applause]
Oh, thank you. I love you.
I love you--back to work.
Back to work.
[chuckles]
- Wait a second.
Is this Kitty's desk?
- Ah, Kitty is on
a fast track to--
well, I can't divulge
how our org chart works,
but you should be proud.
- I am proud.
- How come ain't no pictures
of your family up here?
- Oh, please, Turner,
I'm sure there's a--
- No. Not--no.
- There's a picture right here.
Wait a second.
- No, that's not y'all.
- When did she go to Aspen?
- Ooh!
He flying your bitch out.
- Wait.
When did she learn how to ski?
- And when did you
start following me?
Wheyland, I skipped over
as soon as I heard.
Oh. Change those margins.
OK, make sure
you email that to me
before you send it out.
Montgomery,
your computer's not on.
Frostings.
- Frostings.
- What are you doing here?
- Frostings.
- Don't do that.
It's sacred.
Why are you here?
- Did you--did you leave
your house keys again?
- No, 'cause how would I get
into the car
if I didn't have--
they're all on one ring.
- Oh, good. OK, so we're good.
Love you.
All right. Let's go.
- What is going on?
- Mm. Mm.
Something's going on.
That's what I do know.
- Whether 'tis
nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune...
- OK, guys,
we're in the gym today
because I want to avoid
Ms. Langford.
Drama club and orchestra
are here as well
due to a chemical spill
in the art building.
- Yeah. My bad, guys.
- But this is
a teachable moment.
Dealing with setbacks
is an in--
[door clicks]
God damn it.
- I have eyes everywhere,
Mr. James.
- I wish you had
feet everywhere
so you could go
to another building.
- You can't handle head-to-head
competition, can you?
Don't want anybody
challenging your ideas.
- Wrong.
Competition's the thesis
of my presentation.
- Oh.
Then let's go, Mr. James,
you and me, one-on-one.
Detention. Detention.
- You're kidding!
- If I win,
you and your anti-college ways
leave this campus forever.
- Don't do it.
Reconsider.
- Dang.
[all cheering]
- Is this a hoops match
I see before me?
This teacher--
- Vice principal.
- This vice principal,
toward my hand, come.
Let me clutch thee.
I have thee not,
yet I see thee still.
A dagger of the mind.
A false creation.
A jump ball now...
is what you shall find.
- [grunts]
[cheers and applause]
- Oh!
Bringing nothing.
Let's go!
- Check ball.
- Check ball.
- Check ball.
- Check.
- That's what I thought.
Check ball to me.
You ready?
- Let's go.
- What you doing 'bout it?
Hey, y'all, watch this.
I'm 'bout to take her
to school.
It's about to be a...
[sensual music]
♪ ♪
- It was
in the sassafras fields.
Behind Miss Tilly's house.
I was sipping mint julep
on the porch.
Summer lightning flashed
beyond the trees.
[thunder rumbles]
And there was Lambert...
Muscles bulging under his skin
like a grapefruit under nylons,
shredding away
at that sassafras
as if it had done him wrong.
Ooh, Lambert.
- Who's Lambert?
- You.
I mean, you look just like him.
It really takes me back.
- Oh, shit.
You want to smash.
Is that why
you've been fucking with me?
- I am one, sirrah,
come to tell you...
- Uh-huh.
- Ms. Langford seeks to create
the beast with two backs.
- No, no. I get it.
- More?
- OK, thank you.
[phone ringing]
Oh, sorry.
Frost-lo.
- No phones at the table much?
- I gotta go.
He's acting so--
[laughs]
No, not a lot like that, but--
- [clears throat]
- [whispering]
Sorry. I'll call you later.
- Who knows? It's trying--
- What did you say?
- Is it frost-lo,
or is it frosting?
I mean, who knows?
I've heard both.
- Well, it depends
on the situation.
If you're saying hi to
a casual friend, it's frost-lo.
If you're speaking
to the founder of the company,
it's frostings.
- That makes perfect sense.
- But you should know that,
since you stalked me
at Frostquarters.
- I had questions.
- Which you sought
behind my back
because you don't frost me.
- Well, maybe I--wait.
What'd you just say?
- I said you don't frost me.
You don't listen either. Geez.
- I don't know.
Is that good, or--
- It's bad. You don't trust me.
- Maybe I shouldn't.
- What are you talking about?
- [scoffs]
Just enjoy your meal.
- Mmm. That's not milk.
- How is it any different
than Kool-Aid?
- Well, it's sweet.
But Kool-Aid is
usually blue, or red,
or perhaps even purple.
- That's what the product
is called.
How Is It Any Different
Than Kool-Aid?
It's testing very, very well.
- F-minus.
F. I'm not drinking that.
- It's frosting and water.
- I just want something regular
with dinner.
Kitty, this is madness.
- Please, you're upset.
Just eat your food, please.
- I'm gonna eat my food.
I'm gonna have some--
Are these mashed potatoes?
- It's frosting.
- OK.
You know what?
I can't do this anymore.
- What?
Where are you going--
[door slams]
Sandy.
Sandy.
Oh, Wheyland, what should I do?
- Kill him.
- OK.
- With kindness.
- Kay.
- Kids, I'm so honored
to have this man here today.
He owns a skyscraper downtown.
He owns 12% of residential real
estate in Southern Wisconsin.
And he answers my DMs.
He's billionaire Cap Hedges.
Take it away, Cap,
and I'll be right back.
- You like this ring?
This watch?
Didn't buy it with a diploma.
I started with no
formal education at all.
Didn't even know
the word entrepreneur.
But in my bones,
it's what I was.
At 14, I launched my first
business, Potato Distributor,
hooking up my uncle's farm
with a couple
of Mr. Submarine restaurants.
And we grew like crazy.
To this day, any time
anyone orders a french fry
in Chicago, I get $0.04.
- Oh, damn.
- Mm-hmm.
Y'all do the math.
- Yes.
[moaning]
- [chuckles]
Yeah.
So-so then I started
in real estate.
And then--
[metal banging]
- [moaning]
- Are they fucking back there?
[moaning, clattering]
You know what?
I ain't gonna let it stop me.
And you shouldn't
let it stop you either.
Because if you put in the--
- Coming through the tunnel.
Oh, baby.
And that ain't light
at the end.
That's me, baby!
- Ooh!
- Going to town back there.
- Oh, that's me!
- Come on!
[both moaning]
[school bell rings]
- Yeah, but isn't
price stability
the mandate
of the central bank?
- Stable prices?
Come on, man.
Price stability is
an optical illusion.
And you know I don't--
Coach Murphy?
- Wow.
- Hey, Coach. How you doing?
Ain't seen you in a while.
I'm doing mentor work now.
- The one that got away.
You broke my heart,
Simon James.
- Huh?
- I know people think
baseball coaches are
cold-hearted.
We're people, flesh and bone.
Look at these hands, Simon.
- I'm looking.
- These hands play.
They help. They build.
They tear down.
And they build again.
They accuse, and they acquit.
They massage. Shiatsu.
They snap.
They crackle.
And they offer,
like I offered you a full ride
to play baseball at UIC.
- Full ride?
- Yeah.
I had to give
your spot to Craig.
Just texted me this morning.
He loves the Padres.
- Full ride like "everything
paid for in college" full ride?
- Delivered the letter myself.
Handed it to your sister.
- I don't have a sister.
- Yeah, you do.
- No, I don't.
- You think I just gave it
to someone and didn't check,
and this is my fault?
So you're saying
that I'm irresponsible
and didn't even follow up
with you for years?
And when I didn't hear
from you,
I just said, "Oh, well"?
Man, you crazy!
I mean, you are
out of your mind.
Now, let me go talk to this
young man and his sister.
[scoffing]
- Damn.
I could have went to college.
- College isn't important.
It's not even worth the paper.
- Man, you don't get it!
- OK, so you said,
"I can't do this,"
and now she's going to Tampa?
Eeh. How does it feel?
- I was talking about
fucking frosting.
I can't do the frosting.
- OK, well, her whole life
is frosting.
So when she hears that
you're done with frosting,
she is hearing
that you're done with her.
- Nope. Nope. Nope.
She knows what I meant.
We understand each other.
You wouldn't understand.
- I don't know.
- My wife and I
understand each other.
- Do you? Do you?
Because all Kitty's getting
is frosting, OK?
And now she's leaving
with the frosting king.
And there's no room for you
in his kingdom.
- Everybody's welcome
in his kingdom!
I've read the literature.
- All right.
Well, all I'm saying is,
Kitty used to trust you,
and now she only trusts
Wheyland.
Bam.
- [growls]
[tires squeal]
- Damn!
- I got into UIC?
- [sighs]
Yes, Simon.
I told the coach
I was your sister,
and I hid
your acceptance letter
because the sun doesn't shine
on flowers in the shade.
- We can all hear you.
- No. I know I'm not muted.
Fuck you.
I didn't want to live
in your shadow, Simon.
What would I look like being
some random
baseball player's wife?
- Rich!
And who gives a shit?
We weren't married.
- But we were gonna be married!
[both sigh]
I was planning
on having your baby, Simon,
but I didn't want
to have them in your shadow.
- That's fucked up, Monique.
- I wasn't
in my right mind then.
Really good for your calves,
by the way.
- [sighs]
- Scan this
and give Simon the original.
- Give me this.
Oh, my God.
[upbeat music]
[jet engine roaring]
- It would be incredible
spreading frosting
all over the world
to the people who need it--
- Kitty! Kitty!
Kitty!
[tires squeal]
Kitty!
Kitty, wait! Don't go!
Kitty!
Kitty. Kitty. Oh, my God.
Kitty, no.
- Calm down. Breathe.
Breathe. Breathe.
- Kitty.
I don't want to lose
my wife to a cult.
- Wheyland said
this might happen.
You look at him,
and all you see is grift
built on the sale
of tasty frosting.
- Oh, come on. That's not--
- And you judge him
for his natural horniness.
- Wait. What?
- You need to see
with better eyes than that.
- Frostings.
- Frostings.
That girl is
such a hard worker.
- She--how old--
- [indistinct]
What?
A little hustle, please!
- One minute.
- They got kids
up here working too?
- One minute.
- That's foul.
- Look, I'm just worried.
Are you sure you're OK?
- Garbage.
Shred it.
Shred.
Keep it.
- INJFC is gonna change
the world.
And this is something
that I believe in.
You trust me, don't you, Sandy?
- You know, 15 years ago
off the coast of Guam,
underwater
in a full scuba tuxedo,
I vowed to swim by your side
no matter how strong
the current
or plentiful the piranha.
Go get that money, girl.
Hey, stand down!
- Girl, he at the airport
acting crazy.
Oh. Hold on, girl.
You've got to see this.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
No, I'm not sending--
OK, bitch, look.
They're doing a little
handshake,
a little Wonder Twins thing,
hugging.
both: Goodnight!
- I got it. I got it. I got it.
No, it was very corny.
And it's fake.
She's lying to him.
- Have fun in Tampa.
- This motherfucker thinks
she going to Tampa.
She going to DR to get
her back blown out.
- Wheyland, I just have to say
that I am so excited to--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're in, right?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- Oh. OK.
- OK, bye.
Arrivaderci!
You're going to Tampa, right?
Wait, why are you--
yeah, Tampa.
[tires squeal]
- Hold on, something happening.
Who is that?
- Hey, bro, you dropped your--
- FBI! Everybody down, now!
- Okay, what's--oh, my God.
Oh, Lord.
- Oh, shit, the Feds is here.
No, the real Feds.
- Uh...uh...
- Get back!
You motherfuckers
ain't taking me alive!
- Bitch, come on!
[indistinct shouting]
- Please, please!
- Kitty?
[gunshot]
Oh, they're shooting them.
They're shooting them.
[gunshot]
- Astronauts must have
incredible reaction time.
My experiment
asks the question,
how long can you resist this?
[crowd groaning]
Got you.
- Aww, man.
- So the thing is,
you've transferred six times.
That's a problem.
That's something you really
don't want to do around--
- Sorry, sorry, I got here
as fast as I could.
Will you guys
still accept this?
Sorry about that.
- Oh.
Uh...oh.
Well, will you just
wait here a minute?
- Sorry, bro,
- Sorry.
It'll just be a second.
- OK.
I don't know what happened.
- And I quit too. I quit.
- ♪ Yo, yo ♪
[Michael Sneed's
"Sometimes Blue"]
♪ What's up, world?
What's the word? ♪
♪ What's the word,
what's the word? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
[scatting]
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Sometimes I get blue ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Sometimes I get misty-eyed ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Sometimes I get blue ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Sometimes I get misty-eyed ♪
♪ ♪
speed, light speed, yeah ♪
♪ You don't like it, bite me,
bite me, yeah ♪
♪ I'll start the day
riding and lightning ♪
- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Nice hoodie, bruh.
Can I see the back?
- Ow!
- D fam.
These high school kids
have not changed.
That look like that hurt.
- Yep, I remember the pain
in those eyes.
- Where the fuck is everybody?
- Still assholes.
Like I was saying, I might not
wear glasses on Earth,
but I may need
glasses in space.
- I could see that.
- See, because microgravity...
[soft music]
♪ ♪
'Cause the more blood
that goes into your brain,
it could deform your eyeballs.
- Huh, I never thought
about that.
Oh, man.
- Made you look. Fuck boy.
- Fuck. Where's our food?
I'm hungry.
[dramatic music]
- Whoa! Whoa!
- [yelps]
- [grunts]
[dishes clattering]
[people clamoring]
- Who threw the fucking ball?
[people shouting]
♪ ♪
- Ah!
- My baby!
That was my school project.
I was supposed
to take care of it
to learn the responsibilities
that come with being a parent.
Now I'm probably gonna
have sex...unprotected.
- ♪ I was born
on the South Side ♪
♪ I was raised
on the South Side ♪
♪ Everybody stick together
like we in the land ♪
♪ 'Cause it ain't no side
like the South Side ♪
♪ On the South Side,
South Side ♪
- Zip--I got ten minutes
before the class starts.
I don't want to hear it.
- [whispering]
Ms. Gurvey. Ms. Gurvey.
- Ms. Gurvey.
We Humpty-Dumpty'd his shit.
We broke his egg project.
- What is this?
- If I may, ma'am, I did this
to my friend who obviously
can't take a joke.
And by the way,
I got you too, Ms. Gurvey.
But then he slammed
little baby Raheem
on the back of my neck.
So as we have just proven,
Raheem deserves an A.
- Listen, I don't know
who you are,
and I don't know what this is,
but Raheem is
a straight-F student.
- What?
- Whether Baby Heem got here
safe and sound is irrelevant.
- Please, Mrs. Gurvey,
I don't want to be
the first person in my family
to not go to college.
I'll be a failure.
- There is nothing I can do.
Now, why don't we just
finish out the year
and just go our separate ways?
- You failed everything?
- Yeah.
- Art?
- Yeah.
- PE?
- Yeah.
- Advanced calculus?
- I don't even know
what that is, man.
- It's calculus,
and it's advanced.
Duh.
- Hold on, partner.
You don't need a college degree
to be successful.
Even without a degree,
you could be a CNA,
a personal assistant--
shit, you can even
get a food truck.
Ain't that right, Ms. Gurvey?
- Hell yeah.
My beautician make
more money than me.
- I heard that.
- Even though I can't,
under union rules,
technically agree
that college is optional.
- Shit, I can.
I got several businesses.
And I'm Twitter friends
with Cap Hedges.
- Let me see that.
- Damn, his ass
should be teaching us.
- That's enough, Kenielle.
You trying to get me
fired again?
- No, I'm not.
- Mm-hmm.
I know you signed
that petition, little girl.
- And it almost worked.
- Oh, wow.
Cap Hedges liked
your last tweet.
- Mm-hmm.
- And you're followed
by Taye Diggs?
"The Best Man"?
- Mm-hmm.
- Listen, are you interested
in becoming
a mentor for the schools?
We could use some Black men.
- I am not interested
in helping
other people's kids for free.
Sorry, kids.
- Boo!
- Listen, the school is broke,
but I can pay you a little
something out of pocket.
- OK.
- My husband is in
the Parker House
Sausage family.
- Mm.
- Good morning,
Vice Principal Langford.
- Sausage lady.
There's his caramel
Frappuccino latte-looking ass.
Who are you?
I haven't seen you
on school grounds before.
Check him for guns.
He got a bulge in his pants.
See what that is.
- Oh, that's new.
Pat-downs
without the actual pat.
You guys ever see that before?
- Science fair?
Psst. Hey, kid.
You want to switch identities
for a week?
- Bet.
[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
- Thank you so much
for being here.
- Mm-hmm.
- So basically, one day,
I started to feel
this pain in my penis.
And it was only really
when I peed,
so I called the doctor
and I asked him--
I said, "Is it possible
for a man to get UTI?"
'Cause, you know, that's
a woman's disease, I thought.
And, you know, he responded
pretty egregiously,
and he said some mean things
to me
about not having sex ever
in life.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Then I remembered
two days before,
I was walking down these steps.
There's a pair of--there's,
like, maybe 10 to 15 steps.
And I didn't see there was
a second set of steps.
And I tripped.
Apparently, I got
some penis damage.
- Right.
- And this penis damage
mimicked the symptoms of a UTI.
And look,
I'm not a snitch, but...
these are the culprits,
all right?
- When you think of frosting,
you probably think,
"Oh, I need some baked goods
to put it on."
But that is just society
telling you
what to put your frosting on.
But what if I said you don't
need any of those things?
Presenting
It's Not Just For Cakes,
frosting for every occasion
and every single day.
- Question.
- Yeah.
- Can I put it on my man?
- Absolutely. I do.
- What?
- Palms up, hearts open.
Who wants a splurt?
♪ I walked home
in the gloaming ♪
♪ City lights coming on ♪
♪ I saw a radiant future
foaming ♪
♪ A light meringue,
a brand-new dawn ♪
♪ A pump or two
straight to the tongue ♪
♪ In your pantry,
in your purse ♪
♪ We'll rise up
to inherit the Earth ♪
♪ Welcome to the... ♪
both: ♪ Frostingverse ♪
[applause]
- You know, folks,
I've got pamphlets up here.
And if you have any questions,
please let me know, OK?
- Frosting-related questions
only, OK?
We're not therapists yet.
- Telling you, don't play
with this stuff.
- You know what,
I'm having so much fun
riding along with my man.
- Yeah, it's been nice
to have you,
but I gotta tell you
bad-ish news.
Me and the Turn-Burner
gotta head on down
to the Evergreen Park stable.
Someone's down there
tagging horses,
and the horses do not like it.
- Oh.
In that case,
I might just hoof it.
- A horse killed a guy.
- Oh, God.
- It caved in
the side of his head.
- How un-horse-unate.
- Sweetie.
- It makes me saddle.
- No, don't--come on, now.
It's not funny.
He had kids.
- I'll reign it in.
- Hey.
- Is for horses.
[laughs]
OK. Hi.
- Hold on. Here he come.
Here he come.
All right, I gotta go work.
I'ma call you back.
I'ma call you back.
- Let's do the horsey thing.
To the neigh-borhood.
- Hey, so you know
It's Not Just For Cakes
is a cult, right?
- Oh, my God.
- Okay, no, listen.
- Come on, Turn. Goddamn.
- One, they all wear the same--
- My wife can't do
nothing without--
- Ugly vests. Dos, OK?
They're anti-diabetes,
so it's all
"big insulin" this,
"big insulin" that.
Tres, my cousin friend--
- Oh, your cousin's friend.
Oh, excuse us.
- She got wrapped up
in that shit,
and we still haven't seen her.
And I heard the FBI
is getting involved.
- OK.
- OK?
And cuatro, they demand access
to all your checking
and savings accounts.
- Cinco.
- That's a cult.
- You named cinco things
and you said cuatro.
- OK, see, you not focusing
on the right thing.
[chalk scratching]
- There it is right there, OK?
The most important thing
you're gonna learn today.
All investment
comes from savings.
Remember that. You too.
If you guys want
to start a business,
you need an investment.
- Businesses...
[laughs]
Are built on ideas, Mr. James.
That's all you need, kids,
is good ideas.
- Wrong,
because ideas are everywhere.
The limiting factor is capital.
- These children
need to develop
critical thinking skills.
The only place to do that
is in college.
- Ted Turner, billionaire.
Never went to college.
- Michael Jordan,
UNC-Chapel Hill.
- Mark Zuckerberg,
college dropout.
- Tyra Banks,
college like a mug.
The Loyola Marymount
University.
- Henry Ford, y'all, dropped
out of school when he was 16.
And Halle Berry
dropped out of college.
And when I was younger,
I had several pictures
of her on my wall--
- Excuse me, kids.
I don't think you should be
listening to a man...
- What?
- Who steals furniture
for a living.
- I do not steal.
- You probably should be
at work right now.
Here. Take that with you.
It's rented.
- Eh, it's not one of ours.
- Where the fuck
are Simon and K?
And who is that?
- The only difference
is the wattage.
I mean, these two are very
underpowered in my opinion.
So, like,
you're making popcorn.
Two minutes,
two minutes, 30 seconds.
It might take,
like, four minutes.
- I don't know
who that girl is,
but she been
working her ass off.
She reorganized electronics
and killed all the flies,
including that big-ass one
that morphed.
- I thought
it was quiet in here.
I'll tell you what she
didn't do is check this lotion.
I think it's expired.
- That's not--never mind.
- OK, I think
she's coming out any second.
- Mm.
Still don't think
this is a cult?
I mean, you must.
We're here.
- OK.
Remember how I told you
my cousin was sick?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I told Kitty,
and Kitty suggested
that she try frosting.
- Cult.
- Yeah.
Now she has cancer
and diabetes.
- Damn.
- Kitty says it evens her out.
I just wish
she had her foot back.
She loved soccer.
Oh, she's coming out.
She's coming out.
- She looks crazed.
- She's skipping,
and it makes her happy.
You should try it.
- Your cousin should try it.
- You know she can't.
[door clicks]
- Hi. How you doing?
- Welcome to
It's Not Just For Cakes.
Would you like
some tasting gloves?
- No.
- Oh, I've had more
than enough splurts
in my mouth today.
- Well, have you tried
our new flavor, 7-Up?
- Oh, they got--
- Can we go in there?
- Sorry, that's where our new
associates get programmed.
- Oh, OK, I guess
this is what you use
to tape their eyelids open
while you program them,
'cause I haven't seen one of
you motherfuckers blink once.
- Turner.
- I blink.
- I haven't seen it.
That's what I said.
I haven't seen it.
- Just did.
- You did not blink.
- I did blink.
- No, you did not.
- It takes me a second.
- It's looking
difficult for you.
- Look, she can't even cry.
Oh, there it is.
- Okay.
- You're welcome.
- Well that's--
- I delivered you.
Congratulations.
- OK, good.
- Officer, if you have
a problem, it's--
- Our problem is that frosting
is literally just for cakes.
That's it.
That's my fucking problem.
- That's not what they do here,
Turner.
- You're one of those people,
aren't you?
- Oh, "those people"?
- Ooh, watch it.
- The harassment
and the accusations,
everywhere we go--
in my own apartment complex,
when I walk my dog,
in the theater.
"Oh, what's up,
frosting bitch?"
I'm sick of it.
We are trying
to change the world
one dollop at a time.
- That's enough, Judrith.
Ricky, please relieve her.
- Mm. He told you.
Go on, Judrith.
- We are accustomed
to skepticism
from the outside world.
We don't always handle it
with aplomb.
Do we, Judrith?
- I will remain
on top of it all
like the frosting is
to the cake.
- I'm Wheyland Pace. Frostings.
- Oh. Frostings.
That's how they say hi.
- Yeah. No shit.
- Frostings.
- No, not me.
- Allen. What's up, man?
What you doing here?
- Mr. Alderman, nice check.
- It's probably
business stuff, right?
- I'm so happy
you guys are here.
This is perfect timing.
This is perfect--Wheyland
and I were just discussing
the urgent need for more
Black-owned businesses
right here on the South Side.
- Mm-mm.
This ain't the South Side.
- This ain't a Black-owned
business, unless--
no, he ain't just
light-skinned.
- No, no, no.
That is a white man. Yes.
- What is this,
1 South Michigan?
So technically,
this is the South Side.
- No.
- I mean, you call it that.
And I'm behind that, but--
- It's not a thing.
I'm not behind it.
- 22nd is usually what people
think the South Side is.
- I believe they call this
the Wild Ones.
- We're kind of downtown-ish.
- Mm-hmm.
But it's cool.
- It's not cool.
- Wheyland, these are
the wardens of the 51st,
Officer Xenobia Turner
and my very good friend
Alessandro Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Ah, you must be
Kitty's husband.
- Guilty as charged.
- She came to us
like a shining seagull
on the beach of despair.
- Yeah, that's her all right.
Listen, Mr. Pace, we just
have a couple questions--
- Come.
Let me show you our world.
Please take a badge.
Wear it at all times.
If you drop it, don't move.
Help will be on the way.
[whimsical music]
Let's splurt.
[door chimes]
♪ ♪
- Oh, shit.
[grunting]
Okey-dokey.
- Did you know
that every human has
a distinct taste bud pattern?
That's what makes you special.
Yeah, I got a lot
of new flavors.
That one's--
oh, that one's full.
OK.
Do you see all the new ones?
Oh, I can give you
a sample of one of these.
This one's...
Ah!
They're making my origin story,
selling frosting
out of the trunk of my car.
That's me in the '90s.
I had more hair, right?
You'll crack that pistachio
problem someday, Fernando.
Never give up.
I'm serious.
Don't stop unless I say so.
And this is
the erotic frostings room.
[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
♪ Just a little bit, bit, bit,
bit, bit, bit, bit ♪
♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
♪ Just a little bit,
not a lot ♪
- We better leave before
all of us get super horny.
- Mm-mm.
- We'll knock down
this entire wall
and built a luxury natatorium
for every person in Chicago...
who works for me.
[applause]
Oh, thank you. I love you.
I love you--back to work.
Back to work.
[chuckles]
- Wait a second.
Is this Kitty's desk?
- Ah, Kitty is on
a fast track to--
well, I can't divulge
how our org chart works,
but you should be proud.
- I am proud.
- How come ain't no pictures
of your family up here?
- Oh, please, Turner,
I'm sure there's a--
- No. Not--no.
- There's a picture right here.
Wait a second.
- No, that's not y'all.
- When did she go to Aspen?
- Ooh!
He flying your bitch out.
- Wait.
When did she learn how to ski?
- And when did you
start following me?
Wheyland, I skipped over
as soon as I heard.
Oh. Change those margins.
OK, make sure
you email that to me
before you send it out.
Montgomery,
your computer's not on.
Frostings.
- Frostings.
- What are you doing here?
- Frostings.
- Don't do that.
It's sacred.
Why are you here?
- Did you--did you leave
your house keys again?
- No, 'cause how would I get
into the car
if I didn't have--
they're all on one ring.
- Oh, good. OK, so we're good.
Love you.
All right. Let's go.
- What is going on?
- Mm. Mm.
Something's going on.
That's what I do know.
- Whether 'tis
nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune...
- OK, guys,
we're in the gym today
because I want to avoid
Ms. Langford.
Drama club and orchestra
are here as well
due to a chemical spill
in the art building.
- Yeah. My bad, guys.
- But this is
a teachable moment.
Dealing with setbacks
is an in--
[door clicks]
God damn it.
- I have eyes everywhere,
Mr. James.
- I wish you had
feet everywhere
so you could go
to another building.
- You can't handle head-to-head
competition, can you?
Don't want anybody
challenging your ideas.
- Wrong.
Competition's the thesis
of my presentation.
- Oh.
Then let's go, Mr. James,
you and me, one-on-one.
Detention. Detention.
- You're kidding!
- If I win,
you and your anti-college ways
leave this campus forever.
- Don't do it.
Reconsider.
- Dang.
[all cheering]
- Is this a hoops match
I see before me?
This teacher--
- Vice principal.
- This vice principal,
toward my hand, come.
Let me clutch thee.
I have thee not,
yet I see thee still.
A dagger of the mind.
A false creation.
A jump ball now...
is what you shall find.
- [grunts]
[cheers and applause]
- Oh!
Bringing nothing.
Let's go!
- Check ball.
- Check ball.
- Check ball.
- Check.
- That's what I thought.
Check ball to me.
You ready?
- Let's go.
- What you doing 'bout it?
Hey, y'all, watch this.
I'm 'bout to take her
to school.
It's about to be a...
[sensual music]
♪ ♪
- It was
in the sassafras fields.
Behind Miss Tilly's house.
I was sipping mint julep
on the porch.
Summer lightning flashed
beyond the trees.
[thunder rumbles]
And there was Lambert...
Muscles bulging under his skin
like a grapefruit under nylons,
shredding away
at that sassafras
as if it had done him wrong.
Ooh, Lambert.
- Who's Lambert?
- You.
I mean, you look just like him.
It really takes me back.
- Oh, shit.
You want to smash.
Is that why
you've been fucking with me?
- I am one, sirrah,
come to tell you...
- Uh-huh.
- Ms. Langford seeks to create
the beast with two backs.
- No, no. I get it.
- More?
- OK, thank you.
[phone ringing]
Oh, sorry.
Frost-lo.
- No phones at the table much?
- I gotta go.
He's acting so--
[laughs]
No, not a lot like that, but--
- [clears throat]
- [whispering]
Sorry. I'll call you later.
- Who knows? It's trying--
- What did you say?
- Is it frost-lo,
or is it frosting?
I mean, who knows?
I've heard both.
- Well, it depends
on the situation.
If you're saying hi to
a casual friend, it's frost-lo.
If you're speaking
to the founder of the company,
it's frostings.
- That makes perfect sense.
- But you should know that,
since you stalked me
at Frostquarters.
- I had questions.
- Which you sought
behind my back
because you don't frost me.
- Well, maybe I--wait.
What'd you just say?
- I said you don't frost me.
You don't listen either. Geez.
- I don't know.
Is that good, or--
- It's bad. You don't trust me.
- Maybe I shouldn't.
- What are you talking about?
- [scoffs]
Just enjoy your meal.
- Mmm. That's not milk.
- How is it any different
than Kool-Aid?
- Well, it's sweet.
But Kool-Aid is
usually blue, or red,
or perhaps even purple.
- That's what the product
is called.
How Is It Any Different
Than Kool-Aid?
It's testing very, very well.
- F-minus.
F. I'm not drinking that.
- It's frosting and water.
- I just want something regular
with dinner.
Kitty, this is madness.
- Please, you're upset.
Just eat your food, please.
- I'm gonna eat my food.
I'm gonna have some--
Are these mashed potatoes?
- It's frosting.
- OK.
You know what?
I can't do this anymore.
- What?
Where are you going--
[door slams]
Sandy.
Sandy.
Oh, Wheyland, what should I do?
- Kill him.
- OK.
- With kindness.
- Kay.
- Kids, I'm so honored
to have this man here today.
He owns a skyscraper downtown.
He owns 12% of residential real
estate in Southern Wisconsin.
And he answers my DMs.
He's billionaire Cap Hedges.
Take it away, Cap,
and I'll be right back.
- You like this ring?
This watch?
Didn't buy it with a diploma.
I started with no
formal education at all.
Didn't even know
the word entrepreneur.
But in my bones,
it's what I was.
At 14, I launched my first
business, Potato Distributor,
hooking up my uncle's farm
with a couple
of Mr. Submarine restaurants.
And we grew like crazy.
To this day, any time
anyone orders a french fry
in Chicago, I get $0.04.
- Oh, damn.
- Mm-hmm.
Y'all do the math.
- Yes.
[moaning]
- [chuckles]
Yeah.
So-so then I started
in real estate.
And then--
[metal banging]
- [moaning]
- Are they fucking back there?
[moaning, clattering]
You know what?
I ain't gonna let it stop me.
And you shouldn't
let it stop you either.
Because if you put in the--
- Coming through the tunnel.
Oh, baby.
And that ain't light
at the end.
That's me, baby!
- Ooh!
- Going to town back there.
- Oh, that's me!
- Come on!
[both moaning]
[school bell rings]
- Yeah, but isn't
price stability
the mandate
of the central bank?
- Stable prices?
Come on, man.
Price stability is
an optical illusion.
And you know I don't--
Coach Murphy?
- Wow.
- Hey, Coach. How you doing?
Ain't seen you in a while.
I'm doing mentor work now.
- The one that got away.
You broke my heart,
Simon James.
- Huh?
- I know people think
baseball coaches are
cold-hearted.
We're people, flesh and bone.
Look at these hands, Simon.
- I'm looking.
- These hands play.
They help. They build.
They tear down.
And they build again.
They accuse, and they acquit.
They massage. Shiatsu.
They snap.
They crackle.
And they offer,
like I offered you a full ride
to play baseball at UIC.
- Full ride?
- Yeah.
I had to give
your spot to Craig.
Just texted me this morning.
He loves the Padres.
- Full ride like "everything
paid for in college" full ride?
- Delivered the letter myself.
Handed it to your sister.
- I don't have a sister.
- Yeah, you do.
- No, I don't.
- You think I just gave it
to someone and didn't check,
and this is my fault?
So you're saying
that I'm irresponsible
and didn't even follow up
with you for years?
And when I didn't hear
from you,
I just said, "Oh, well"?
Man, you crazy!
I mean, you are
out of your mind.
Now, let me go talk to this
young man and his sister.
[scoffing]
- Damn.
I could have went to college.
- College isn't important.
It's not even worth the paper.
- Man, you don't get it!
- OK, so you said,
"I can't do this,"
and now she's going to Tampa?
Eeh. How does it feel?
- I was talking about
fucking frosting.
I can't do the frosting.
- OK, well, her whole life
is frosting.
So when she hears that
you're done with frosting,
she is hearing
that you're done with her.
- Nope. Nope. Nope.
She knows what I meant.
We understand each other.
You wouldn't understand.
- I don't know.
- My wife and I
understand each other.
- Do you? Do you?
Because all Kitty's getting
is frosting, OK?
And now she's leaving
with the frosting king.
And there's no room for you
in his kingdom.
- Everybody's welcome
in his kingdom!
I've read the literature.
- All right.
Well, all I'm saying is,
Kitty used to trust you,
and now she only trusts
Wheyland.
Bam.
- [growls]
[tires squeal]
- Damn!
- I got into UIC?
- [sighs]
Yes, Simon.
I told the coach
I was your sister,
and I hid
your acceptance letter
because the sun doesn't shine
on flowers in the shade.
- We can all hear you.
- No. I know I'm not muted.
Fuck you.
I didn't want to live
in your shadow, Simon.
What would I look like being
some random
baseball player's wife?
- Rich!
And who gives a shit?
We weren't married.
- But we were gonna be married!
[both sigh]
I was planning
on having your baby, Simon,
but I didn't want
to have them in your shadow.
- That's fucked up, Monique.
- I wasn't
in my right mind then.
Really good for your calves,
by the way.
- [sighs]
- Scan this
and give Simon the original.
- Give me this.
Oh, my God.
[upbeat music]
[jet engine roaring]
- It would be incredible
spreading frosting
all over the world
to the people who need it--
- Kitty! Kitty!
Kitty!
[tires squeal]
Kitty!
Kitty, wait! Don't go!
Kitty!
Kitty. Kitty. Oh, my God.
Kitty, no.
- Calm down. Breathe.
Breathe. Breathe.
- Kitty.
I don't want to lose
my wife to a cult.
- Wheyland said
this might happen.
You look at him,
and all you see is grift
built on the sale
of tasty frosting.
- Oh, come on. That's not--
- And you judge him
for his natural horniness.
- Wait. What?
- You need to see
with better eyes than that.
- Frostings.
- Frostings.
That girl is
such a hard worker.
- She--how old--
- [indistinct]
What?
A little hustle, please!
- One minute.
- They got kids
up here working too?
- One minute.
- That's foul.
- Look, I'm just worried.
Are you sure you're OK?
- Garbage.
Shred it.
Shred.
Keep it.
- INJFC is gonna change
the world.
And this is something
that I believe in.
You trust me, don't you, Sandy?
- You know, 15 years ago
off the coast of Guam,
underwater
in a full scuba tuxedo,
I vowed to swim by your side
no matter how strong
the current
or plentiful the piranha.
Go get that money, girl.
Hey, stand down!
- Girl, he at the airport
acting crazy.
Oh. Hold on, girl.
You've got to see this.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
No, I'm not sending--
OK, bitch, look.
They're doing a little
handshake,
a little Wonder Twins thing,
hugging.
both: Goodnight!
- I got it. I got it. I got it.
No, it was very corny.
And it's fake.
She's lying to him.
- Have fun in Tampa.
- This motherfucker thinks
she going to Tampa.
She going to DR to get
her back blown out.
- Wheyland, I just have to say
that I am so excited to--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're in, right?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- Oh. OK.
- OK, bye.
Arrivaderci!
You're going to Tampa, right?
Wait, why are you--
yeah, Tampa.
[tires squeal]
- Hold on, something happening.
Who is that?
- Hey, bro, you dropped your--
- FBI! Everybody down, now!
- Okay, what's--oh, my God.
Oh, Lord.
- Oh, shit, the Feds is here.
No, the real Feds.
- Uh...uh...
- Get back!
You motherfuckers
ain't taking me alive!
- Bitch, come on!
[indistinct shouting]
- Please, please!
- Kitty?
[gunshot]
Oh, they're shooting them.
They're shooting them.
[gunshot]
- Astronauts must have
incredible reaction time.
My experiment
asks the question,
how long can you resist this?
[crowd groaning]
Got you.
- Aww, man.
- So the thing is,
you've transferred six times.
That's a problem.
That's something you really
don't want to do around--
- Sorry, sorry, I got here
as fast as I could.
Will you guys
still accept this?
Sorry about that.
- Oh.
Uh...oh.
Well, will you just
wait here a minute?
- Sorry, bro,
- Sorry.
It'll just be a second.
- OK.
I don't know what happened.
- And I quit too. I quit.
- ♪ Yo, yo ♪
[Michael Sneed's
"Sometimes Blue"]
♪ What's up, world?
What's the word? ♪
♪ What's the word,
what's the word? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
[scatting]
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Sometimes I get blue ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Sometimes I get misty-eyed ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Sometimes I get blue ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Sometimes I get misty-eyed ♪
♪ ♪