South Park (1997–…): Season 8, Episode 7 - Goobacks - full transcript

Someday I'll be old enough
to stick my dick up Britney's butt!

Yes?

Hel-lo ma'am. We're going around town
and offering snow-shoveling service.

Would you like your driveway
and sidewalk shoveled

for eight thousand dollars?

Oh well, I certainly could
use some little snow-shovelers,

but eight thousand dollars
seems a little steep.

How about ten dollars?

Ooo, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that
tight grip you have on my balls!

Ten dollars, you're
breaking my balls, ma'am!

How about fifteen dollars?



It's a deal! All right,
guys, let's get to work!

Yeah, it's so totally awesome.

Craig crapped his pants
when he saw it. Yeah, sweet.

So what's goin' on over there?
Yeah, that's pretty cool.

No way! He did not!
Aw dude, that is so weak.

What?

You've been on your
fucking phone since we started!

Dude, I'm takin' a break.

A break from what?!
You haven't done anything!

Kyle, how many times
do we have to go through this?

I'm the negotiator.
I negotiate our price with the customers.

All you ever do is talk about your balls!

It works, doesn't it?
Did I not just get us an extra five bucks?

If you want your share
of the money, then you're



gonna shovel snow like the rest of us!

Hey! Don't boss me around, you fuckin' Jew!
I will kick your ass!

Ma'am, do you have a rag and some bandages?

Oh goodness, what happened?

Shoveling accident.

Oooh no, come on inside.

Wait right here, I'll be right back.

You're so lucky I have a... sore shoulder,
Kyle, or I'd totally let you have it.

Cartman, just keep your mouth shut.

This is breaking news.
Here's Anchorman Aaron Brown.

Incredible, absolutely amazing news today.
A man from the future has come

back in time and is in a government
hospital after being hit by a car.

Whoa.

Christina Naylon has more.

The news is incredible, Aaron.
Experts and scientists have

been with the man from the
future for several hours now,

and have been able to learn
that he is from the year 3045.

His condition is stable, and speculation
continues as to why he has come.

Has he come to deliver a cure for cancer?

Or to fix something wrong with the past?

Have to interrupt you
there, Christina. Apparently,

Brad Morgan is inside the
base with breaking news.

Brad?

Aaron, the scientists have been able to
communicate further and have uncovered

that the man from one thousand years
in the future has come to our time...

looking for work. Now, uh he has said

that the future is so
overwhelmingly overpopulated

that there are simply
no jobs in his time,

and so he built a time portal

and has come back to 21st century America,
uh to find a job here.

Heheh, it's absolutely astounding.
He came back here for work?

Huh... that's right, Aaron.

Hi-his plan is to get
a job here, in our time,

so that he can put the money
he earns into a savings account,

uh, which will earn interest, and by the
year 3045 be worth billions of dollars,

uh which of course in the future will
be worth only hundres of dollars,

but uh enough, he says, to feed his family.

And now I understand we're
going to Harrison Moore, uh,

for an explanation on
how the time portal works.

Harrison?

Aaron, I'm standing at the time border which
scientists say follow Terminator rules.

That is, it's one way
only and you can't go back.

This is in contrast, say,
to Back To The Future rules,

where back and forth is
possible, and of course,

Timerider rules, which
are just plain silly.

Anyway, it appears that the man
from the future is here to stay.

Mom, Dad! Did you see?
They found a man from the future!

We know, Stanley. We've been watching.

If you're just joining us,
a man from over two thousand years into

the future has come through a one-way
time portal looking for work.

Uh, the President is expected
to give an announcement at any time.

Breaking news here at the
time portal, Aaron. It appears

that another person from
the future has just arrived!

It looks as if the job at Wendy's
did work for the original immigrant;

this second arrivee claims that
man's family is now much better off,

and wishes the same for his family.

There you go. All set, sweetie?

Mom, can we go try to see
the people from the future?

I have a bunch of
questions I wanna ask 'em.

I'm sure a lot of people do,
hon. It's pretty exciting,

isn't it? Now, you just get some sleep.

You've had a busy day.

Goodnight, sweetie.

Night, Mom.

Wow, two people from the future.
How cool.

Yes?

Hello, Mrs. Landis. Would you like
snow-shoveling service again today?

Ooo, oh dear, I'm sorry boys, but I've
already hired someone else to do it.

What? Who?

One of those immigrants from the future. He
said he would do it for twenty-five cents.

Twenty-five cents?
Well that's not even worth it.

All right guys, come on.
Let's go to the next house.

Dude.

Son of a bitch!

Still more immigrants from the future
arrived at the time border today,

some even bringing their
entire families. the purplish

goo that they have on their
bodies when they arrive is

an ectoplasmic side effect
of the time-travel process.

This is all giving scientists
a great opportunity to

learn even more about
American life in the future.

Chris Holt joins us now. Chris?

Yes, there are incredible
things we're learning

about Americans in the future,

Aaron. Eh it appears that in the future,

Americans have evolved into
a hairless uniform mix of all races.

They are all one color, which is a yellowy
light-brownish whitish color.

Uh it seems race is
no longer an issue in the future,

because all ethnicities have
mixed into one. Perhaps most

interesting is how this
has affected their language.

The people in the future
speak a complete mix of English,

Chinese, Turkish and,
indeed, all world languages,

which sounds something like this:

Back to you, Aaron.

Apparently the people from the future are
having a pretty easy time finding work.

Since they offer to work for such low wages,

they're being hired all over America.

This is bullcrap! I ain't standin' for this!

All right, folks, my name
is Darryl Weathers and

I'm with the Construction
Workers' Union.

I work with a lot of fine men
who have families to feed.

Now I don't know about you all,
but we worked long and

hard to get our pay up to
a level where we could make a decent living.

And now these people from
the future are showin' up

and offerin' to do the same
work for next to nothin'!

They took our jobs!

We're in the moving business! Fourteen years
we've been workin' our butts off!

Now these future folk come in
and we can't get work nowhere!

They took our jobs!

They took your jobs!

Well what about us in the
fast-food business?! The restaurants

are firing us 'cause the future
people work for a lot less!

They took our jobs!

They took your jobs!

It's affecting kids too! Me and my friends
started our own snow-shoveling business.

We were trying to be
responsible and make money,

you know? But then the
people came along and,

and now we're out of work too!

Oh, they took our jobs!

They took yer jobs!

Stanley, it's almost eight o'clock.
Where have you been?

I was at a rally to
protest all the immigrants

from the future coming
in and tryin' tuh-

Oh yes, the laundry machine is down in
the basement and our son is home.

Could you please set the table for dinner?

Who is that?

That's our new housekeeper, Mrs. Gruhd.

She's gonna help around the house
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

And she'll do it for ten cents an hour.

Oh, but that's the problem!
Those goobacks are taking our jobs!

What?

Oh my God!

Stan Marsh, how dare
you use that time-bashing slur?!

Who taught you to talk like that?!

Well dude,
they are taking people's jobs away.

They're only taking the small menial jobs
that nobody else really wants to do.

I wanted my job!

Hey, Stanley, you need
to understand something:

Those people from the
future have had a hard life!

Where they come from is dirty
and overpopulated and poor!

You can't even imagine the kind
of depression they come from!

So for us, who have
everything sooo good,

to judge them, is wrong! Do you understand?!

Next time you think
about calling them goobacks,

you might just wanna stop
for a second and think

about how crappy the future really is!

That's right! We're not raising our son
to be an ignorant timecist.

Timecist?

You know, a racist,
but against people from the-

People from the future. Right, got it.

All right, good. Now, let's
all go eat some of Mrs.

Gruhd's great future cooking.

And now, here is Bill O'- Reilly.

Welcome welcome
to the No-Spin Zone, all right?

And what we're talkin' about today are
the immigrants from the future.

All right?

Now, most people are more
than happy to give a helping

hand to these people
who obviously need it.

All right?

But others are starting to say that the
time portal should be closed off.

All right?

Now, I've got two guests with me tonight
who have opposing views on the matter.

On my right is pissed-off
white-trash redneck conservative.

Thanks for having me, Bill.

And on my left is
aging hippie liberal douche.

Hello.

Now, pissed-off redneck,
you say we shouldn't

allow anyone else
through the time portal,

aright?

You're Goddamned right! These
people from the future are takin'

all the work away from us
decent present-day Americans!

They took our jobs!

They took our jobs!

Those jobs belong to
people from the present!

Aright. What say you,
aging hippie liberal douche

Heh it's typical for
conservatives rednecks like

these to view the
immigrants as the problem,

heh, but really,

the problem is America. It
is our greedy multinational

corporations that keep
everyone else in poverty.

Your ancestors came to
America as immigrants. What

right do you have to
turn these people away?

Aright, redneck, your rebuttal?

They took our jobs!

They took our jobs!

Too-kourderb!

All right, children, the school
board has mandated that I must

now teach class in both
present-day English and Futurespeak.

What?!

So, with that in mind, let's
continue our lessons on verbs.

Remember that there are
transitive verbs such as

"The boy threw the red ball,"
which in Futurespeak of course, is...

Everyone say it with me?

Aaand there are intransitive verbs, such as

"The 11:15 bus from Denver
arrived twelve hours late.

" Or in Futurespeak, "Vvut. "

"Vvut. "

Dude, hold on! This is bullcrap!
If they wanna live in our time,

then they should learn our language!

Yeah!

That's right!

Hey now, these immigrants have
a right to retain their culture.

Who are we to say our language is best?

They deserve to have an
education just as much as you do.

Thank you, aging hippie liberal douche.

You betcha.

Timmih.

Okay, now let's get back to it, kids.
What kind of verb is this?

"The sad girl puts balls in her
mouth. " Or, in Futurespeak of course,

"Gluch gligh balls glych gligh. "

This is bullcrap!

Listen up, everybody! We've just received
a reply from our congressman.

"Dear intolerant rednecks, we sympathize
with you all losing your jobs.

However, we feel your solution of

shooting everyone who
crosses the time border is inhumane. "

What?

That's ridiculous!

They can't do that!

That was a good idea!

So it appears the government
ain't gonna help us! Which

means we gotta take
matters into our own hands!

The only way to stop people from the future
is to stop the future from happening!

Hey that's right! If there
is no future, then there'll be

no people from the future to
come back and take our jobs!

Take rjurbs

All right! So, any ideas how we can
stop the future from happening?

How about we cause more global warming,
so that in the future,

the polar ice caps melt,
and and it ushers in a new ice age?

How the hell is global warming
gonna cause an ice age?!

Well you know, the...
global warming could bring

on like a climate shift or somethin'?

Chet, you are a fuckin'
retard, you know that?!

Even if global warming were real,

which all proven
scientific data shows it isn't,

it would take millions of years
for a climate shift to happen!

You think an ice age can just happen
all of a sudden-like?

Well I was just tryin' to be helpful.

Well help yourself to
a fuckin' science book,

'cause you're talkin'
like a fuckin' retard!

Now, come on people, we've got to think!
Damnit, they took our jaorbs!

They took our jobs!

Aw, dude.

Gaur da'ka?

Can you speak in present-day English please?

Uh oh... Can I help... you?

Uh yeah,
I want a double cheeseburger and fries.

Chicken sandwich?

No, a double cheeseburger and fries!

A cheeg- fry?

What?!

A cheeg- fry?

We can't understand you, asshole!

Can I help you?

I'm trying to order a double cheeseburger!

Chicken sandwich?

No, it's not a chicken sandwich!

I want a Goddamned cheeseburger and some
Goddamned fries you fucking goobacks!

Stan Marsh!

Aw-awwww.

Come on, people, think!
How are we gonna stop

these immigrants from takin' our jobs!

Hey, I got an idea. Uh maybe we should
all take off all our clothes,

scramble into a big pile
and start gettin' gay with each other.

Did you say "get gay"?

Hey yeah. Well that's not a bad idea!

What? Gettin' gay?

Think about it: These people
are from the future, right?

Well, if we can git
everyone to turn queer,

then there won't be
no children to have no children,

and the people from the
future won't exist to take our jobs!

I ain't turnin' queer.

You have to, Jimbo, or else
we won't be able to stop them!

They too 'r jaobs!

Yeah, they took our jobs!

Took our jobs!

Let's go over to that part of town that all
the future people moved into

and start humpin' each
other until they disappear!

Come on!

Come on! You want your jobs back or not?!

All right, you future bastards!
Think you can take our jubs?!

Well, we'll show you! Come'ere, Earl!.

How do you like that, gooback?!

Come on, you guys!

Everyone who believes in
America, join in with us!

We're gonna make these
future bastards nonexistent!

Aw, come on, Dad!
How come I have to go to work with you?

Because you're being grounded,
Stanley! Now I don't wanna

hear another word out
of your intolerant mouth!

You just sit right there, Stanley, and
you thnk about what you've done!

You'll find all the copiers and printers
in the next room over and then uh-

Hey, Mr. Nelson.

Oh... R-Randy...
Uh I'm surprised to see you here.

Why? This is my office.

Ooohh boy, didn't you get my phone message?
Ooo, this is awkward.

Well, the thing is, Randy,
you've been- replaced.

What?

Well we found an immigrant
from the future who knows

geology and he offered to
work for next to nothing.

Uh, this is Mr. Glughgogawk.

Gheglo.

You can't be serious.

I'm... sssorry, Randy. It's just,
with all the budget cuts and all,

we'll give you some time
to clean out your desk.

Follow me, Mr. Glughgogawk.
I'll show you to the copy room.

Oh my God. They took my jarb!

They took yer jarb!

This is CNN.

Breaking news at the time border.
We go now live to Harrison Moore.

Aaron, I'm standing at the time border where
some kind of mass protest has broken out.

Hundreds of men who have
lost their jobs to time

immigrants are here having
sex with one another.

These men have apparently sucked and
screwed their way across the state

and are now here at the time
border trying to get national attention.

These unemployed men have been
having sex for several days.

Joining me is their
spokesperson, Randy Marsh.

Mr. Marsh, what exactly
are you trying to accomplish?

We're doing the only thing we can do.

If our government is just gonna let
anybody into our time who wants to come,

then we have to take
matters into our own hands.

We're trying to turn everyone gay
so that there are no future humans!

Present-day America Number One!

Yeah America!

Take our jobs!

Do you really think you
can get enough people to

turn gay to destroy
the future of humanity?

All we can do is try, Harrison.

Trying to stop immigration
is intolerant and ignorant.

Those immigrants have a
right to pursue happiness.

Young man, what do you think about all this?

I I think it's wrong to call them goobacks
because they're no different from us.

They're just humans trying to
make their lives better. Look,

it sucks that the
immigrants' time is so crappy,

but the cold hard truth is that if we
let them all come back to our time,

then it's just gonna
make our time crappy too.

Maybe the answer isn't trying
to stop the future from happening,

but making the future better.

Huh?

I mean, maybe if we all commit right now
to working toward a better future,

then, then the future won't be so bad,

and, these immigrants won't need
to come back here looking for work.

Hey. He's right. If we
build for a better future,

the immigrants will stay there.

Yeah. We've got to start
working towards a brighter tomorrow.

Well what are we waiting for?

We've got to work for a better future,
we've got to join hands for tomorrow.

Take the first step and you will see
the future begins with you and me.

We can start to make a difference
if we want it for our children

Recycle that can and plant that tree, 'cause
the future begins with you and me.

Look, it's working!

The future begins with you and me.

The immigrants are fadin' away!

We're doing it!

We've got to work for a better future,
we've got to join hands for tomorrow.

Take the first step
and you will see the future-

Dude, wait wait ho, hold on. Wait a second.

This is gay.

This is really gay.

Yeah, this is even gayer
than all the men getting

in a big pile and having
sex with each other.

Okay, sorry, my bad,
e- everyone back in the pile.

Back in the pile everyone!

We're going back to the pile.

Jump in!

Come on, everybody!

Never mind, we're going back to the pile!

Took ur jurb!