South Park (1997–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Super Best Friends - full transcript

Okay, carol,
put the card you picked

Back into the deck
so I can't see it.

What's going on?

This fellow, David Blaine,
he's doing magic tricks.

Hey, where'd you get
that ice cream?

Okay, now hold this card
up to the crowd.

Was that the card
you picked?

No, I'm sorry,

I picked
the four of hearts.

Four of hearts,
really?

Look again.



Aah!

Whoa!

That's pretty cool, dude.

Who's this asshole?

He's a magician named David
Blaine, dude, he kicks ass.

Where'd you guys
get that ice cream?

Sir, could you
come over here?

Now, what I want you
to do, mar.-

Kern.

Mr. Kern, I want you to
just think about a card.

Pick any card and
picture it in your mind.

Okay.

Okay, just, just think
about your card.

Okay, look at me.



Look at me.

Look at me.

Okay, now reach
up your ass.

Huh?

Go on,
reach up your ass.

I don't
feel nothing.

Deeper.

I don't feel-

Wait, wait.

Was that the card
you picked?

Yes,
oh my god!

Oh ho!

Wow, that's cool.

How'd he do that?

Thank you.

I've been traveling from
town to town for quite a while.

I've started
quite a following

Mostly because of
my levitation trick.

Watch.

Oh!

No way!

Damn, that guy is the
coolest guy in the universe.

Pamphlet, pamphlet!

Here you go, kids,
take a pamphlet.

"David Blaine workshop."

"Learn all about David Blaine
at the center for magic."

Dude, we gotta go.

Yeah, they probably teach you
how to do magic tricks!

Hello everyone.

My name is Steven,

And I've been a Blainetologist
for about three years.

So when David Blaine performed
his miracles out on the street,

What moved you the most?

His miracles?

Oh yes, you see, David Blaine
is much more than a magician.

He's a scholar, a visionary,
a leader.

When are we gonna
learn magic tricks?

Yeah.

Oh, I've got a trick
for you to learn.

I can show you how to make
your true self appear.

Let me ask you all
something.

Do you consider yourselves
to be happy?

I don't think
I'm very happy.

I always fall asleep to the
sound of my own screams.

Right.

See, the reason that
you are-

And then I always get
woken up in the morning

By the sound of
my own screams.

Do you think
I'm unhappy?

The, the point is,
that you can be happy.

You see, your friends and
parents have programmed you

In a way that makes you feel
isolated and alone.

How many times have you felt
like nobody knows the real you?

You're not really happy.

I'm not really happy.

Your potential hasn't
even been reached.

My potential hasn't
even been reached.

If you look through
David Blaine's incredible book,

You'll find a lot of
life's answers.

Let's read some of the book
together, shall we?

Then we get to be in
David Blaine's secret club?

That's right.
Cool.

Ike, eat your
gefilte fish.

No.

Mom, mom,
I found out all about

This great new magician
named David Blaine.

That's nice Kyle,
Ike, eat!

We spent all afternoon

Learning about how we
aren't actually happy.

I had no idea how unhappy
I was until today.

They gave me
this school book to read

And I'm already
on chapter four.

Well, it's nice to see you so
interested in something, Kyle.

Ike, for the love of Abraham,
you are gonna eat this!

So, can I go
to the magic camp

To learn how to become
a full member?

All the other guys
are doing it.

And it's only $69.95.

Magic camp?

I don't know, booby,
ask your father.

Ike, you will eat this!

Prepare to be cleansed and
release the magic inside you.

I am prepared.

Huh, geez,
it sure got cold in here.

Next.

Congratulations,
young Blainetologists.

From this day,
you are clean.

Now, we have
very important work to do.

David Blaine is going to
put on a big magic show

In Denver
tomorrow night.

Where he's going to eat
his own head.

Wow!

So it's up to all you new
Blainetologists

To get as many
people there as you can.

Whoever gets the most people
to come, gets a prize.

Kyle, I'm starting to think
that this is a really bad idea.

Hey, I'm not Kyle,
I'm butters.

I thought
you were Kyle.

No, I'm Stan.

You're Stan?
Where's Kenny?

Who are you?
I'm Kyle.

Heh heh, guess who
I am, you guys.

Kyle, I think we may have
gotten into something bad here.

What do you mean?

We're learning
all kinds of cool stuff.

Look at us, dude.

These people are trying
to change us somehow.

I think it's time
we went home.

But David Blaine is going to do
more miracles in Denver tomorrow.

I don't care,
I'm leaving!

Excuse me.

Where are
you going?

I'm going home.

You don't want
to go home.

You said we're free to
leave whenever we want.

You are.

Then move
out of the way.

I'm not in your way.

You are.

Are you unhappy with
the church's teachings?

Let's just talk about it.

I don't wanna talk about it,
I just wanna leave.

Why don't we go into the back
room for a second and talk,

Then you can leave.

That's okay,
I changed my mind.

I'm gonna stay.

That's great news.

Okay, it's all clear.

What are we doing?

We're getting out of here.

This whole thing has
gotten way out of hand.

Whoa, whoa,
I'm not going anywhere.

Come on Kyle,
this is stupid.

It's not stupid, Stan.

For once in my life, I feel
like I'm part of something.

A part of what?

Some gay-Wad magician's
crazy life plan?

Don't call Mr. Blaine
a "gay wad",

He's a brilliant man.

No, they just convinced you
that he's a brilliant man!

Let's go!
Going anywhere.

Goddamn it,
I'm not going with you!

I wanna stay here!

Huh? I thought you
wanted to leave.

Oh wait,
who am I again?

You're Stan.

Oh yeah -
God damn it-

Hold on a second.

Okay, look dude,
I'm getting out of here.

And you're a dumb ass
if you don't come with me.

Then I guess
I'm a dumb ass.

Kyle, please.

You-You're
my best friend.

Well, this is what
I believe in now, Stan,

And if you can't
respect that,

Then I guess we're not
best friends anymore.

Hello ma'am.

My name is Kyle
and this is Cartman.

We'd like to share our interest
in David Blaine with you.

Uh-Oh, my husband warned me
about you "Blaine-iacs".

I'm sorry,
but I'm a catholic.

It doesn't
matter, ma'am.

Blainetology
is for everyone.

There are Blainetologists
who are Catholic, Buddhist,

Why, even Kyle here
is a god damn Jew.

That's right.

So you're not a cult?

A cult, no.

David Blaine
is a real person.

You may have seen his
television specials on ABC.

He also wrote a book

And we'd like
to share it with you.

Well, all right,
come on in.

Okay.

And if you look here,
you can see how David Blaine

Performed the miracle of being
frozen in ice at times square.

Ma'am, have you
ever wondered

What David Blaine's
plan is for you?

No, not really.

Hey, you see,
that's interesting,

Because I'm so thankful for
David Blaine's book.

And I'm so thankful that he showed
me the way to true happiness.

But I think
about his plan often-

David Blaine is doing
a big performance

In Denver
tomorrow night.

We're sure his magic
will entertain and astound you.

He's going to eat
his own head.

How many tickets
can we put you down for?

Oh, I can't go.

Oh, come on, it will
make you a happy person.

I am happy.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

I really am.

No, you're not.

But I am.

No, you're not.

All right,
two tickets.

Great.

That's 15 people
we got to agree

To come see David Blaine
perform in Denver.

Yes, brother Kyle,
but our work is not over.

We must still recruit
ten more audience members

In order to get
the prize.

I think if we try
Kenny?s neighborhood,

We might find that-

Come brother Kyle,
we have no time for him.

Aah!

You better watch yourself
next time, abandoner!

Hi Jesus, it's me-

Stan Marsh.
Stan Marsh.

Of course, I know you,
my child, come in.

This guy is going around,
doing magic tricks

And saying
they're miracles.

My friend Kyle thinks
he's totally awesome.

You are good to bring this
to my attention, Stan.

Cults are a very
dangerous thing.

I read in the bible that
you perform miracles too.

If you could go in front of
these people and do your miracles,

They'll all see that
David Blaine isn't so special.

The miracle I'm most famous for
is turning water into wine.

Can you do it again?

Very well,
I shall perform the miracle.

Behold, here you can see
ordinary water.

Clear, clean.

Okay, now turn around.

Turn-Turn around.

Okay, now turn back.

It is now wine!

That's it?

That's how you did
that trick?

Well, yeah.

That trick
sucks, Jesus.

Oh, I guess it worked a little
better on people 2,000 years ago.

Dude, we have
to do something.

This guy is performing more
miracles in Denver tonight.

He's gonna get
more followers

And it will be impossible
for me to get Kyle out.

Then let's go.

But dude, I don't think
you should do

That lame
water to wine trick.

Oh, don't worry.

I have a few more
miracles up my sleeve.

This is a really
good turnout.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

David Blaine!

Hello, my children.

Ladies and gentlemen,
may we have silence please

As magician David Blaine
will now eat his own head.

Dude, no way.

Thank you, everyone.

Our organization
grows larger every day.

Soon the government will
even have to give us

tax-exempt status as
a bona fide religion.

Hold!

It's Jesus!

What's he doing here?

My children

It is time for you
to go home

And stop following
this false prophet.

You should be using your money
and time for other things.

These are simple
magic tricks.

His magic
is interesting,

But will it put food
on your table?

Feeding the hungry-
Now, that is a miracle.

Behold, I have here five loaves
of bread and three fish,

Certainly not enough to feed
this entire crowd.

But now, turn around.

Turn around.

Okay,
now turn back.

Now, how the hell
did he do that?

Wow!

Your magic is old
and outdated, Jesus.

Just like you are.

Oh, really?

Then what's this ace of spades
doing behind your ear?

Jesus Christ!

He's incredible.

The old religions
have failed you.

What have they offered except
for war, poverty and sadness?

Blainetology offers you
the key to living your life

To the fullest.

Will you join us?

Yes!

His magic is
too powerful, Stanley.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Then, what are
we gonna do?

I cannot
face him alone.

We must get the help of
all the Super Best Friends.

Buddha!
Buddha, come in!

Super Best Friends?

This is Buddha, Jesus,
go ahead.

Buddha, we may
have a problem.

I've just encountered a magic
I've never seen before.

I'll call
everyone together.

Come as fast as you can.

Come Stanley,
we must travel far and long.

To where?

Distances unfathomable
to man.

Yea, take hold
of my robe, Stanley.

And do not open your eyes.

I am ready.

Are you still keeping
your eyes closed?

Yeah.

Good, want
some peanuts?

Congratulations, sister.

You have learned
the noble truth

And are now
a Blainetologist.

Everyone!

Everyone gather around.

I have great news for all
Blainetologists

And for our new
members as well.

We've just gotten word
from Mr. Blaine himself.

The government has denied
our church's request

For tax-exempt status!

But, we want
tax-exempt status.

Yeah, why is that
good news?

Because-

Mr. Blaine has arranged for
all Blainetologist members

From every city and state to
march into Washington

And demand our right for
tax-exempt status

By committing a mass suicide!

Mass suicide?

Mr. Blaine has said that by
killing ourselves in Washington,

We are guaranteed everlasting
happiness in the afterlife.

Get your things ready,
we leave for Washington at dawn.

Did you hear
that, guys?

We're finally gonna die!

All right, Stanley,
you can open your eyes now.

This is the hall of the
Super Best Friends, Stanley.

The headquarters for those
who stand for what's right.

Jesus!

We've been working hard
since we got your distress call.

Who da kid?

Stanley, I want you to meet
some of the Super Best Friends.

Buddha, with the powers
of invisibility.

Mohammed, the Muslim prophet
with the powers of flame.

Krishna, the Hindu deity.

Joseph smith,
the Mormon prophet.

Lao-Tzu,
the founder of Taoism.

And seaman, with the ability
to breathe underwater

And link mentally
with fish.

So you mean to
tell me that

Even though people fight
over different religions,

You guys are
actually friends?

More than friends, young boy,
we are Super Best Friends!

With the desire
to fight for justice.

We all believe in the power
of good over evil.

Except for Buddha,
of course,

He doesn't really
believe in evil.

Wow.

Jesus, come look
at this.

After your distress call,

We entered David Blaine into
the Super Best Friends computer.

Many interesting things
showed up.

He was raised in New York city
by a decent family.

But a freak washing machine
accident at the age of 12

Made him learn the ways
of the black arts.

That's right, semen.

Sea-Man.

That's what
I said, semen!

Stop it!

Cartman.

Cartman,
wake up.

Cartman.

No, Paula Poundstone
leave me alone!

It's just me.

Brother Kyle,
why do you disturb my rest?

Dude, I don't think I want
to be part of this anymore.

What?

I think Stan
might have been right.

Anyway, I think
it's going too far.

I mean, if I kill myself, it's
gonna make my family really sad.

Yeah, I know
what you mean.

I don't want
to die either.

I haven't even got
my pubes yet.

I think we should bail.

If we leave the group,

Maybe other people will get
the courage to leave, too.

That could be difficult,
brother Kyle.

But all right, listen.

Why don't
we sleep on it?

If we decide
to leave the faction,

We can do it
in the morning.

Okay.

Okay, you're right.

Oh, Cartman... thanks.

Cartman?

What the hell?

I told on you

I told on you

What have
you done, Cartman?

This is for your own good,
brother Kyle.

You must understand,
brother Kyle.

You know too much
about the church.

If you left now, you'd become
a danger to our cause.

And you know
what else Kyle said?

Kyle, he said that if we were
all going to commit suicide

That he wouldn't do it.

Cartman, you
fat ass tattletale!

At least I'm not the boy
in the plastic bubble.

The suicide pact will go
as planned.

If we die,
we all die together.

Meanwhile, at the hall
of Super Best Friends...

Look at that, Jesus.

His followers are growing at
a rate even faster than mine.

It appears this David Blaine
is as dangerous

As you and your young
friend had feared.

I knew it.

Here, I have a videotape of his
performance the other night.

Perhaps we should have
Moses look at the tape

And see what he
comes up with.

Moses, scan this tape.

Can you tell us the source
of Blaine's power?

Give me
the information.

Wow, the Moses.

His magic is
a combination of

Centrifugal alignment
and sleight of hand,

Wait a minute.

I'm picking up movement

From Blainetologists
all over the country.

The Blainetologists
are heading to Washington.

But why?

Wait a minute.

At his performance,
David Blaine said something

About trying to
get tax-exempt status.

Oh my god!
What?

If he gets
tax-exempt status,

Then he'll become
a real religion.

He would become
unstoppable.

Meanwhile, in
the nation's capital,

Blainetologists from
all over the country

Have gathered
to commit mass suicide.

If the government will not give
us tax-exempt status,

Then we must prove that we are
willing to die for our beliefs.

All right, brothers and sisters,
gather around.

It's time to drown ourselves
in the reflecting pool.

However, the reflecting pool
is a little more shallow

Than we originally thought.

So to drown ourselves, you will
need to lie on your stomach,

Face down, until you die,
as such.

Next!

Meanwhile,
at the White House...

Mr. President, we can't let
them all kill themselves.

But we can't give them
tax-exempt status either, Carl.

Hey George,
what's going on?

All right brother Kyle,
it is time for us to die.

Cartman, we've been
brainwashed, don't you see?

We don't have to do this.

But it's the only way
for us to be happy!

Cartman, no!

Give us what we want or
we will continue to die.

Not so fast,
David Blaine.

Jesus! Not again.

Yes, but this time,
I've brought some help.

Super Best Friends, ho!

Buddha! Mohammed! John smith!

Krishna!
Lao-Tzu! Seaman!

The mass suicide is over,
Blaine, and so are you.

I don't think so.

Get them!

Aah!

Ice breath should
take care of you.

Kyle, Kyle!

Sweet salvation!

Kyle!?

Oh my god,
they killed Kenny!

You bastards!

Kyle?

Oh my god,
they killed Kenny!

You bastard!

Oh my god,
they killed Kenny!

That takes care
of them.

Now it's your
turn, Blaine.

Perhaps you need to see
some real magic.

Raaaaarh!

Oh, this looks
like trouble.

So long,
super best fools!

Kyle!
Stan!

Kyle, you can't
kill yourself.

I don't want
to kill myself.

They rigged this thing
to fill with water.

We've got to stop that
oversized Abraham Lincoln.

Mohammed!

Aah!

Great Scott!

Okay, try again.

It is too
powerful, Jesus.

It seems to have
no weakness.

There has to be a way
to destroy it.

Jesus to Moses.

Meanwhile, at the
Super Best Friends league...

Come in, Moses.

What?

We need to know how to kill
a giant stone Abraham Lincoln.

Umm...

Wait a minute,
ummm...

A giant stone
John Wilkes Booth?

You heard him,
Super Best Friends.

We've got to make a giant stone
John Wilkes Booth.

Krishna, we're going to
need wood for a mold.

Form of a beaver.

I will find sources
of concrete.

You- Get the water
to mix it with, semen.

Using the wood that Krishna
cut down as a beaver,

Jesus uses his master carpentry
skills to make a giant mold.

That should
do the trick.

Now for some concrete.

Meanwhile,
in the ocean depths,

Semen seeks out water
to mix with the concrete.

Sea-Man!

Look, swallow,

We should be able to divert
the water with that pipe.

And so, seaman and swallow
get to- Get to work.

Kyle, you have to
hold your breath.

Oh, very funny.

Lao-Tzu, bring it to life.

Using his power of Taoism,

Lao-Tzu becomes one with the
giant stone John Wilkes Booth.

Ah!

It worked.

Now freeze over the pool so no
one else can drown themselves.

Hey, I was just
about to do it.

Later, at the
exact same location...

Damn you,
Super Best Friends.

Your magic is no match for
our powers combined, Blaine.

Then I guess you win this time,
super best fools.

But I?ll be back.

Goddamn it!

It's all right.

Everything is
as it should be.

Shut up, Buddha.

Our leader, he's-

He's leaving us!

Don't leave us,
David Blaine.

Listen up, everyone.

You don't need David Blaine
to tell you how to live.

See, cults are dangerous
because they promise you hope,

Happiness and maybe even
an afterlife.

But in return, they demand
you pay money.

Any religion that
requires you to pay money

In order to move up and
learn its tenets is wrong.

You see, all religions have
something valuable to teach.

But just like
the Super Best Friends learned,

It requires a little bit
of them all.

He's right.

He's right!

Thanks for
saving us, Stan.

You're my super
best friend.

You're my super best
friend too, Kyle.

Oh, that's so sweet,
you guys.

You want to go get a room so
you can make out for a while?

Heh-Heh.

Ow!

Ow, stop it!

Well, it looks like
everything worked out.

And so Jesus and his companions
leave Washington.

But their return is assured,

For there will always
be a need for...

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