South Park (1997–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - How to Eat with Your Butt - full transcript

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comedy central

I'm going down
to south park

Gonna have
myself a time

Friendly faces
everywhere

Humble folks
without temptation

Going down
to south park

Gonna leave my
woes behind

Ample parking
day or night

People spouting
"howdy neighbor"

Headin' on up
to south park

Gonna see
if i can't unwind



So come on down
to south park

And meet some
friends of mine

Okay now, lift your
chin a little.

Look right here,
right here.

Hey, where's my smile?

Come on, i bet you got
a smile for me.

I'm starting to
see a smile.

There it is.

Okay, great, next!

I didn't smile.

I hate picture day
at school!

It's always some gay-Ass
photographer

With some gay-Ass
backdrop of new england.

Hang on a second.



My mom said to make sure
i look good this time

In the school pictures.

Okay, smile.

Okay, next.

Did you go yet?
No.

This is taking forever.

You guys, you guys,
this is so funny!

What, cartman?

Dude, check it out.

For picture day, kenny got
into his parka backwards

So that his ass shows
through his hood, look!

Kenny, come over here.

It isn't that
funny, cartman.

Yes, it is.

Next in line.

Come on, let's keep it
moving, kids.

Don't listen to
that jew, kenny,

It's totally funny.

Take off your
hat, please.

But i never
take off my hat.

Come on now,
i bet your parents

Want a picture of you
looking natural.

Thisishow i
look natural.

Kyle, we're taking pictures
without hats today!

Crap.

Smile!

Come on,
where's that smile?

Is it gonna kill ya
to smile?

I see a smile.

Next!

Gay-Ass.

Very nice.
Okay, last one.

Uh-Oh.

Okay, have a seat,
young man.

Okay, looking great.

Now, where's that smile?

Come on, give me
a nice wide smile.

Wider.

Perfect.

How long 'til we get
the pictures back?

Should be about four days.

Four days, oh man,
i can't wait that long!

Come on, come on,
come on, come on...

All right, class, i have your
school photos to hand out.

Yes, yes!

Most of them
are very nice.

But, apparently
one of you

Thinks it's fun to spoil
their school pictures

And thinks he's a comedian.

That person will be
spending the afternoon

In the principal's
office.

Hey, that's
b- Llshit!

School photos aren't
for joking around,

So you aren't getting
your photos back,

Butters!

Me? But i didn't
do nothin'.

For the rest of you

I think your pictures
turned out very nicely.

But-

But hey,
wait a minute.

Let me see!

But teacher, i didn't mean
to look stupid in my picture,

Honest.

Dude, dude,
check it out.

This is the sweetest thing
i've ever done.

You'veever done?

Look how the crack is centered
right in the middle!

Eric, calm down,

I'm trying to
yell at butters.

Oh yeah, i'm sorry,
miss chokson-Rocks.

You know very well my name
isn't chokson-Rocks,

It's choksondik!

Say it right or you can go to
the principal with butters.

I'm sorry,
miss choksondik.

I tried to make
a good picture, honest.

Your mother is waiting for you
in the principal's office.

My mom?

Oh, sweet jesus.

Oh, oh my god.

More people have to see
this picture, you guys.

I've gotta to put it
on the internet.

No, wait.

Kenny, i just had the
greatest idea, ever.

Welcome to south park
milk company,

Can i help you.

Oh yes, hello.

I am helping out a family
who has a missing child

And i was wondering if
you could print his photo

On your milk cartons?

Oh, of course.

Printing those photos on
our milk really does help.

Do you have the photo
with you?

Yes, i have it
right h'nyah.

Okay, great.

We'll print it
immediately.

You will?

Thank you for your help.

Sure.

If i could just get a
description of the child

To print underneath
the photo.

Description... oh yes.

He has blonde hair.

And a brown eye.

A brown eye.

Okay, brown eye.

And big, rosy cheeks.

Full cheeks.

Full cheeks!

Winking brown eye,
brown eye's winking.

Ms. Hamilton was
the fourth person

To be run over by a
motorcycle this week,

Leaving a city to ponder,
"who will be next?"

Hello.

You guys, you guys...

Hello?

Cartman?

Hurry.

What's he want?

I don't know,
let's go see.

Why'd you call us?

Come on, come on.

It's so sweet.

You guys, stan,
here, this is so sweet.

God damn it,
cartman, what?

You put kenny's picture
on a milk carton?

Look at the
descriptions.

Brown eye!

That isn't funny,
cartman.

Oh, it's so
completely funny.

It's totally funny.

No, it's not, cartman.

You know, there really
are couples out there

Who are missing children.

No there aren't.

Jesus, grow up,
you guys.

Oh my god...

Oh my god!

Steven, steven,
come quick!

What is it, martha?

Look, it's him.

It's... our son.

Our son?!

And so that's when i called
out to my husband.

I just knew the boy pictured
on your milk carton

Was our little tommy.

Yes, i see.

But the child on the milk carton
was reported missing,

Not found.

We realize that.

But we just thought
that maybe someone else

Had found tommy and then
lost him again.

We're pretty certain
that it's our boy,

Considering his physical
appearance.

Martha and i have
the same condition.

Right.

You may not have
realized it,

But we actually have buttocks
where our heads should be.

Really?

Yes.

Steve and i have
a condition called

"Torsonic polarity
syndrome".

It's a birth defect that's
passed on genetically.

Over 11 people worldwide
suffer from t.P.S.

Mmm, mmm,
that's amazing.

Martha and i were lucky
enough to meet each other

At a t.P.S. Convention
in france.

So, ah, do you
have heads

Down where your
rear end should be?

No, no,
don't be silly.

You see, with t.P.S. The birth
defect is on the exterior only.

Behind this we still have
all our vital head organs-

Tongue, eyes,
nasal passages.

Well, mr. And mrs...

Uh, thompson.

Thompson.

I'll contact the young boy
who gave me the photo

And perhaps we can all
visit him together.

Oh, wonderful!

Steven, we're going
to see tommy again.

Now, martha,

What did i say about
getting your hopes up?

You're right,
you're right.

Okay, cartman, what do
you want this time?

Oh, you guys, you guys.

Oh my god.

Okay, okay, so
get this, get this.

The milk company
calls me, right?

They call me and say that
two people from wisconsin

Saw the picture of kenny
on the milk carton

And they think
it's their kid.

Dude, that's not funny if
they're missing their son.

No, no, no, no.

Because apparently
these two people

Also kind of look like
they have butts

Where their heads
should be.

Nah-Uh!

Oh yes!

And the best part is,

They're coming here
to my house.

And it is gonna be
so funny!

Oh jeez, that's
probably them now.

Okay, you guys,
just play it good.

Just, shh, no,
you guys.

Okay, okay- Shh...

Hello, we're mr.
And mrs. Thompson.

Eh.

Holy crap, dude.

No way!

We understand you've
seen our son.

Ah, is this the
right address?

I, i don't...

Cartman, where are
you going?

Excuse me, do you boys know
anything about this?

Ah, uhh...

Oh boy.

Look, if you want
an explanation

You better go
to kenny's house.

Yeah, he lives about
four houses away

On the
bad side of town.

Oh, thank you,
thank you!

Well?

They said to inquire
four houses down.

Let's hurry!

Cartman, what the
hell you doing?

Yeah, you missed them
turning around.

You guys,
something's wrong.

What?

I think i just saw the
funniest thing i'll ever see.

And i think...
i blew a funny fuse.

Blew a funny fuse?

It was just too much and my
sense of humor overloaded.

I don't think anything will
ever be funny again.

Oh god, what have i done?

You mean they both have
butts instead of heads?

Yeah, dude, we'll show you,
they're over at kenny's.

How do they eat?

How the hell
should we know?

Butters,
hey, butters!

You gotta
check this out!

What?

You gotta come to
kenny's house with us.

There's these two people
who have asses

Where their heads
should be.

Ah, i can't fellas.

I'm grounded for looking
stupid in my school picture.

But, dude, you gotta see,
it's hysterical.

Butters can't come out
and play, boys.

Hethinks it's funny
to look like a jackass

In his school pictures
that i have to pay for.

But i told you, mom,

I didn't mean to look
like a jackass.

It just happened.

You made a goofy face.

No!

That's just what
i look like.

See?

Don't you make that face
at me young man.

I'm not making
a face, mom!

Stop it!

Come on, we wanna
see the ass people.

All right.

Fine, butters,

If you don't wanna stop making
that stupid face at me

You can just stay in your room
for another week.

Another week?

I hate my
stupid face.

Okay, eric,
as your counselor,

I want you to feel comfortable
talking about anything, m'kay.

Mr. Mackey, is it possible that
you can see something so funny

That it ruins your
sense of humor forever?

Well, i can't think of anything
that would bethatfunny.

Two people with
asses for heads.

Ever since i saw them
i can't laugh at anything.

Oh, i see.

Well, what did you
used to think was funny?

You know, all the
usual stuff-

Dirty jokes, funny movies,
seeing someone die.

This morning i even saw
a little girl

Get her fingers caught
in a car door

And i couldn't laugh.

I mean, i knew it was funny,
but i couldn't laugh.

Well, eric, i suppose that
just like everything else

Laughter can be relative.

In other words, sometimes
people see something so scary

That nothing else scares them,

So the same could be true
for funny things.

So does that mean
i'll never laugh again?

It's possible, m'kay.

But, y'know, if you have
completely lost your sense of humor

You can always become a writer
for the show "friends".

M'kay.

Euh!

And so you see, our son
was just playing a joke

And the little fat kid
put it on the milk carton.

Yes, yes, i see.

Kenny, don't you think you owe
the thompsons an apology?

No, it was foolish for us
to get our hopes up.

It was just such a coincidence
considering the photo.

You may not have
realized this,

But martha and i have buttocks
where our heads should be.

Really? Really?

Mr. And mrs. Thompson,

How long has it been since
you've seen your son?

Tommy disappeared
when he was only seven.

Oh, steven!

It's like it's all
happening all over again.

There, there now.

Please, mrs. Thompson,
it'll be all right.

Listen, the south park
milk company

Is the country's largest.

We find lost children
all the time.

We can help you find tommy with
the milk company's database!

Yes, we'll all help you
find your son.

Just stop crying.

Please, for the love of god,
stop crying!

I'm sorry, i'm sorry.

Mr. Thompson, how did your
son become missing,

Was he abducted?

Yes, he was in the care
of our nanny at the time.

The nanny that we trusted
so much took off with him

And we still don't know why.

We think perhaps she wanted
a child of her own.

And this was back
in wisconsin?

Yes, but we last heard
the nanny was heading west.

That's why we thought
colorado made sense.

We tried every avenue
to find him,

But we never tried
the milk company.

Well, you just
give us a try,

I think that you'll find
that south park milk

Is not the only the best
resource for finding kids,

But also the best producer
of the freshest

2% low-Fat milk the
world can offer.

Thank you.

Thank you so much
for helping us.

This certainly is
a friendly town.

You've all been
so wonderful.

Yes, i'm so grateful,
i just wanna cry again.

No!
No! No!

Dude, why are you wearing
shalana's panties?

I had to wear
shalana's panties,

Lisa's were
in the wash!

Look, can we just
get this over with?

But, dude, i can't
french-Kiss him,

He's my grandpa!

Come on, dude.

Oh, all right,
here it goes.

Come here, grandpa.

Ohh!

Oh, dude, oh.

Dude, what's wrong
with you?

Nothing's wrong with me.

Well, i'm glad
that's over with.

We better go back to the house
now to see how chris is doing.

Heh heh.

Hey... ooh.

Mr. And mrs. Thompson,

As president of the
south park milk company

I want to apologize
personally

For printing that falsified
picture on our milk cartons.

Please, please,
it's not your fault.

Yes, but here
at south park milk

We strive for excellence.

For instance, we are now
entering the extraction room.

As you can see

We keep it close to the
refrigeration room.

That way we can get
the milk to the container

As fast as possible.

That's why some say
south park milk

Tastes like
you're sucking it

Right from the cow's
tits yourself.

Amazing.

Here, try a glass of
our cold vitamin "d"

And our fresh scones.

Delicious.

Oh, excuse me,

A little difficult to
drink with our condition.

Martha and i actually
have buttocks

Where our heads
should be.

Really?

Well, and in here
we have our

Missing child
research center.

Oh my, isn't
this impressive.

Yes, with
thecowron 4000

Mrs. Garthunk can
search a database

Of over 30 million
missing child cases.

We'll start the computer
on a data search.

Now, when did your son
turn up missing?

Well, it was 1982.

Tommy was only
six at the time.

All right then.

Computer!

Working!

Run a scan of missing
children since 1982.

Check for physical birth
defects called t.P.S.

T.P.S., torsonic
polarity syndrome,

Plus missing since
1982, working!

So you actually haven't seen
your son in over 20 years?

That's right.

But then why did you think the
picture of kenny was him?

Wouldn't your son
be much older now?

Yes, but since he appeared to be
at least eight in the photo...

We assumed someone had
seen him since we had.

This is the only photo
we have of our little tommy.

It's gonna take quite a while
for the computer

To do a scan of
all missing kids.

Well, why don't we let
miss garthunk do her work

And i'll let you two out for
some good ol' colorado chili.

We don't really like chili,
it makes us throw up.

Well, hello, eric.

I was really glad you
called me, very much.

Jimmy, thank god,
get in here!

What's this all about?

Jimmy, you've always been my
favorite stand-Up comic.

You've gotta help me,
i've lost my sense of humor.

Gee, that's a
terrible thing, eric.

Comedy can be the best
therapy, very much.

I just have to find
my funny bone again.

Just try and make me laugh.

Oh, i don't think
that will be hard.

I've been working
on my routine.

Okay, let me have it.

Okay, try this one
on for size.

Why did the pigeon
cross the road?

Okay, why?

Because he was having
sex with the chick...

Because he was having sex
with the ch-Chick...

Because he was having
sex with the ch-Ch-Ch...

He was having sex
with the chicken.

Nah, see, something's
wrong, i'm not laughing.

Wow, what a great
audience.

How about this classic?

Knock knock.
Who's there?

Orange.
Orange who?

Orange you glad
i didn't say b...

Orange you glad
i didn't say ba...

Orange you glad
i didn't say ba-N...

Orange you glad
i didn't say ba-Nana?

No, that didn't
work either.

Wow, what a great
audience.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

An interrupting cow.

An interrupting cow who-
Moo!

What a terrific audience.

Ah, let's see.

The dallas-Fort worth area,
i haven't tried there yet.

Computer?

Working.

Scan for any children
reported found

In the dallas-Fort worth area
with a facial deformity.

Working.

Negative.

Oh, this is hopeless.

Wait a minute,
let's try it this way.

Computer!

Working.

Scan data banks
forchildren

Who reported their
parentsmissing.

Working.

1,006,000 hits.

All right, then break it down
to claims in the past 20 years.

Working.

321,000 hits.

All right, now run a scan
on homogenized

Versus pasteurized
skim milk.

In skim form, homogenized
has longer shelf life

By 2.3 weeks.

Okay, okay.

Now give me a breakdown

Of people who are
seeking their parents

Who also suffer from
a disease called t.P.S.

Torsonic polarity syndrome

Plus a claim
not to know parents.

One match.

Bingo.

Do you have a photo?

Printing!

My god!

Oh my god.

Butters,
hey, butters!

Hey, yeah?

They found the butt-Face
people's son, butters.

They're gonna have a big
reunion at the milk company.

Oh gee, that sounds
swell, fellas.

But i can't go 'cause i'm still
having behavioral problems.

Why are you wearing
a paper bag on your head?

My parents are making me wear
this paper bag on my head

Until i learn to stop making
silly faces all the time.

They really had it
up to here with me.

Butters, are you ready to stop
with the stupid faces?

I sure am, dad.

All right, you can
take the paper bag off.

Thanks, dad.

I'm sorry i was bad.

Oh, very funny, young man!

You think it's clever to make
yourself up like a girl?

But dad, i didn't-

Did you use your
mother's makeup?

She's gonna be furious.

I'm not wearing
makeup, dad.

Put that bag back on!

Yes, sir.

Dude, that
poor kid.

Yeah, we gotta remember
to kick his ass tomorrow.

Dear mom,

I can no longer stand to be
without a sense of humor.

Without laughter the world
is a cold and sad place.

And i can't go out
to face it anymore.

Please tell everyone why
i won't be at school.

And please buy me
more chocolate guns.

I'm starting to run out.

Please get the kind with
marshmallow inside.

I don't like the
peanut butter-Filled ones.

Eric.

And so it is
with great pride

That we have flown little
billy thompson out here.

To be reunited with his parents
for the first time in 20 years.

Mrs. Garthunk.

Thank you, mr. President.

I'm proud to be an employee
of south park milk,

Which to date has found
over 100,000 missing kids

And led the way in the fight
against curdling.

Mr. And mrs. Thompson,
your son grew up

Not knowing who his
parents were.

But he was strong
and resilient

And ended up becoming
very successful.

I think it will amaze you
as it will all of us to learn

That your son...

Is ben affleck.

Come on out here,
ben!

Mom, dad!

Son!

Oh, son!

What's going on?

Dude, the ass-Faces' son
is ben affleck.

Oh, our little ben.

Oh, i'm so happy.

Wow, i never realized
ben had t.P.S.,

But i definitely see
the resemblance now.

Oh, son.

Isn't this wonderful?

Okay, gang,
give me a big smile.

Well, looks like everything
turned out all right for them.

Yeah, i guess now we'll have to
call him ben ass-Fleck.

Ben ass-Fleck,
that's funny!

Hey, you're laughing,
cartman.

Hey, you're right.

Oh, this is great-
Ben ass-Fleck!

Wait a minute, don't you
see what happened?

What?

Everything turned out
okay for those people.

And so now
you can laugh.

Huh?

When cartman first
opened the door

And saw the thompsons

He felt bad for playing
a joke on them.

Now that everything's
turned out all right

He's able to laugh.

Whoa, you're right.

Cartman had a feeling
of remorse.

No, no, no,
i blew a funny fuse.

There is no such thing as
a funny fuse, cartman.

You felt bad!

Whatever, all i know is
i can laugh again.

I'm gonna go home and eat
another chocolate gun.

Come on, kenny!

Wow, cartman actually
felt bad for somebody

And couldn't laugh at them.

Our little man is
growing up, stan.

He's growing up.

Yeah, i guess we all are.

Maybe things are
finally gonna start

Getting more sophisticated
around here.

Oh, son.

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