South Park (1997–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - Pip - full transcript

Captioned by Soundwriters™

♪ ( South Park Theme plays ) ♪

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

♪ gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ goin' down to South Park ♪

♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ ample parking day or night, ♪

♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ headin' on up to South Park ♪



♪ gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Hey, I got a 10-inch penis, ♪

♪ use your mouth if you wanna clean it. ♪

♪ come on down to
South Park and ♪

♪ meet some friends of mine ♪

South Park: S04E13 [#061]
Helen Keller! The Musical
Original air date 22 Novermber, 2000

Doctor, doctor, will
our daughter be okay?

I am sorry,
Mr. And Mrs. Keller,

But I'm afraid
your daughter Helen

Still cannot see,
hear or speak.

Oh, no, no!

Ere, ere my good ife.

There is nothing
we can do.

My poor little Helen!



Timmy!

She can't see
or hear us, John!

Hagh, Timmy!

Es, erhaps she should
go do an asyluh.

Stan, what the hell is wrong with
you, I can't understand your lines!

Cuz de eard
urts my face!

Can we take
a lunch break now?

No, if we want our play to be
better than the kindergartner's play,

We have to rehearse
as much as possible!

Now let's continue
the scene!

Hello, my name is
anne sullivan

And I believe I can teach
this child to communicate.

Eally, you hink so?

Water, Helen,
wa-ter.

Hagh, Timmy!

Dammit, Timmy, Helen Keller
isn't supposed to talk!

Hey, you guys, we've got
a big problem!

What is it, Butters?

The kindergartners, I just came
from their dress rehearsal!

Oh it's good, you guys,
it's real good!

How good?

They've got pilgrim outfits
and indian ones too!

They've got singing and dancing, and
boy, you've never seen such a show!

Why, it's a Thanksgiving
extravaganza!

Oh no!

We can't be outdone
by the kindergartners!

- No!
- Yeah we can't!

Alright, alright,
quiet down! Look,

we've still got four days
until the Thanksgiving festival.

That's plenty of time
to revamp our play!

Revamp how, the rules are
that the fourth-grade class

Has to perform
"the Helen Keller story"!

Yeah, but nobody told us
HOW we have to do it.

We can add Thanksgiving stuff
and music numbers too!

Well, we can
add music numbers,

But how do we make the Helen
Keller story more Thanksgiving-Y?

I know, how about
instead of a dog...

Helen Keller has
a pet turkey!

Yeah, a turkey that
can do tricks!

- Yeah!
- That's the spirit, gang!

Alright, Stan and Wendy, you go out
and find some musical instruments!

Kenny and Clyde
take some kids

And buy some Thanksgiving
decorations for the sets!

Kyle and Timmy, you go out
and find a turkey!

Oh-kay!

This is gonna be the best version
of "The Miracle Worker" ever!

- Yea!
- Yea!

What kind of turkey
are you looking for?

A smart one that
can do tricks!

Well, I ain't got a whole lot left,
it being almost Thanksgiving and all.

But go ahead,
just pick one out.

Timmy!

Oh, that one's
a little messed up.

Not exactly the pick
of the litter.

Hahgh!

Uh, Timmy, if we go back to
other kids with that turkey,

They're gonna be pissed.

Timmy!

Yeah, best you not
take that one.

I was just about to take it out in
the yard and put a bullet in its head.

What?! Aw, dude,
don't say that!

Timmy, Timmy!

Alright, we'll take him,
how much? Fifty bucks.

But you were just gonna take it in the
backyard and put a bullet in its head!

I know, now I gotta find
something else to shoot!

Goddammit, here!

Alright, Timmy,
let's go.

I've got a one-Legged pig
if you'd like, too.

Aw, blow it
out your ass!

Guys, I want you all to
meet Geoffrey Maynard.

He's south park's biggest
expert on musical theater

And, he played the lead
in Les Miserables

At the Denver Community
Playhouse for five weeks!

Do you think we can make up a good
Thanksgiving play in four days?

♪ I would swear it
on my life ♪

♪ Your play shall
want for nothing ♪

- Hooray!
- Hooray!

Now, the first thing any good
musical needs is a big opening number!

Something that sets up
♪ the entire show. ♪

Alright, places everybody,
bring in the turkey!

What the hell is that?

It's a turkey.

His name is Gobbles.

Gobbles!

And where, pray, is our
beautiful trick-performing turkey?

Um, we sort of spent all
the money on this... one.

Gobbles!

Kyle, can I talk to you
over here for a second?

Kyle, why do you do
these things to me?

I didn't do
anything to you!

Timmy saw the turkey
and wanted to get it.

What did you want me
to say to him?

You say "no, Timmy, you can't
have that turkey, bad Timmy!"

Look, I know it isn't exactly what
we wanted, but maybe we can train it.

He's not
gonna work, Kyle.

The whole point is to make our
play better than the kindergartners!

Yeah, that turkey sucks.

Wait...

♪ What's that you say ♪

♪ A Thanksgiving turkey
is what you require ♪

♪ I know of a turkey ♪

You do?!

♪ During my years
on Broadway, I ♪

♪ worked with a turkey that
could do all kinds of tricks ♪

♪ She even jumped through
a hoop of fire ♪

Cool, can you
get it for us?

♪ I will go promptly
and call her trainer ♪

♪ On the morrow you shall have
your trick performing turkey ♪

- Alright!
- Alright!

Gobbles!

Gobbles!

Ergh, ergh.

Hargh, Gobbles!

Gobbles.

Gobbles!

No, no, no!

Poopsiekins, it's late,
you need to be in bed.

I can't sleep, mom, I have to
write the lyrics to the opening song

Of our Helen Keller
Thanksgiving Spectacular.

Now, hon.

But mom!

I have to write these lyrics
so the plight of Helen Keller

Can be realized
by the common ma-aaan!

Twenty more minutes
and that's it.

Twenty minutes, did Tim Rice's
mom give him twenty minutes

To write the lyrics to
Phantom of The Opera?!

Speak to me, Helen.

Let me be
your voice.

Come on, you blind bitch,
channel your spirit through me!

Tonight, we present the story
of a courageous girl

And her fight against
depression.

Oppression!

Oppression.

Our play begins in
a simpler time.

Alabama,
in the late 1800s...

♪ 1800s ♪

♪ Alabama ♪

♪ What a great
place in time ♪

♪ We're so happy that
we live in 1800s Alabama ♪

♪ 'Cause it's sunny and
there is no crime ♪

Now to the refrain!

♪ And in our little town
of 1800s Alabama ♪

♪ There's a family
by the name of Keller ♪

♪ Their daughter's deaf and mute
and blind as a bat ♪

♪ And her parents
can't even tell her ♪

Excuse me, I am Lamonde,
the animal trainer.

Oh cool,
he's here!

Awesome, do you have a turkey
that can do tricks?!

Ahp, ahp, do not
call them "tricks".

She's a very
sensitive turkey,

And she performs
"feats" not "tricks".

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present
the most beautiful bird in America.

Four-Time prize winner at
the National Western Stock Show

I give you...
Alinicia!

Oooh!
Whoa! Wow!

Her feathers
are beautiful!

That's the prettiest
turkey I ever saw.

Of course she is.

Okay, now we can really
get this thing underway!

Places, everybody,
where the hell is Timmy?

Timmy!

What is that?

Uh, that's Gobbles, the
physically challenged turkey.

Gobbles!

Gobbles?

Timmy, we already
got a turkey.

Yeah, and it's
from Broadway!

Gobbles!

No, Timmy, the handicapped
turkey does not go in our play!

Dude, don't forget, Timmy's the
only kid who can play Helen Keller.

Don't piss him off.

Meah, that's right, only Timmy
knows the part.

Timmy.

Oh, Jesus,
okay, fine!

Helen Keller can
have two pet turkeys!

My turkey does not work
with other turkeys!

Oh, goddammit,
now what are we gonna do?

Alright, alri-alright.

Alright, alright!

Dude, we need your
turkey for our play!

She's not coming out,
she's very upset.

She's pooped
all over the room.

I know, I know,
but listen.

Let me try to explain
the position I'm in here.

The retarded turkey
belongs to our friend Timmy,

And Timmy is the only person who
knows the part of Helen Keller.

So-so tell me what I can do here
to make everybody happy.

Kill the other turkey.

I can't, dude,
Timmy has a boner for it.

Well, it could
meet with an...

Unfortunate accident.

Unfortunate accident?

You mean like Geena Davis
getting her own TV show?

Ha ha ha- oh...

It's very simple.

Either that turkey meets with
an unfortunate accident,

Or you don't have
a feat-performing turkey

For your Helen Keller
Thanksgiving musical!

Alright, alright,
just get your turkey

To stop crapping all over the dressing
room and come out for rehearsal.

I'll take care
of everything.

Water, Helen,
it has a name!

Oh, why can't
you understand?!

Duh, agh!

♪ Wat-Er he-Len
wa-ter ♪

♪ She's never gonna do it ♪

♪ There's no way
she'll ever do it ♪

♪ Spell it Helen
water Helen ♪

♪ How can she talk
if she can't hear ♪

♪ This is absolutely
pointless ♪

Okay, uh, hold it!

Uh, let's hold it
right there a second.

Okay, I just want to adjust
some of the blocking real quick.

Let's see...

Uh, why don't we have
turkey number two

Stand just a little
more over m'yha...

Let's see, maybe a little bit
more up in m'yha...

And just a wee bit
over m'yha...

And right about...

M'hya.

There we go,
good.

Oh my gah,
ey killed Kenny!

Ooohhh!

Crap, I must have rigged
the wrong light.

♪ Let him rest ♪

♪ In peace
let him rest ♪

♪ Why must he die... ♪

They've got special effects!

What, Butters?

The kindergartners, they've
got amazing stage effects!

Pyrotechnics and
what have yous!

Why, it's a regular
feast for the eyes!

Oh no!

We're never gonna
outdo them now!

- Oh no!
- Special effects?!

Calm down, calm down!

We can have
special effects too!

Now I know a lot
is going wrong,

But we've got to stick together
to make this play work.

All of us.

♪ And into your hands... ♪

Gobbles!

Aaahh, Gobbles!

Little boy!

Timmy.

Yes, Tim.

I feel I must
speak with you.

The others, well, they don't
want you to know, but-

Oh, I don't know what to do,
should I tell you?

Timmy?

I feel I'm the only one
who can be honest with you.

The animal shelter is on its way
to take your turkey away from you.

Gobbles?!

You see, they don't allow
children in your "situation"

To have wild animals
as pets.

You can't take him running,
you can't take care of him.

They have to
take it away.

Gobbles!

They take wild pets away
from people like you

And hand them over
for experiments.

And they're shocked,
dissected and flayed

While they're
still alive.

And no matter where you go the
shelter people will find you.

The only way for that turkey
to avoid years of torture,

Is for you to let him go,
back into the wild.

Oh no,
here they come now!

Quick, go and set
your turkey free!

I'll try to stall them.

T-Timmay!

Excuse me, we're here to install
the water effects for the musical.

The stage is right
through there.

Thanks.

Alright, I've got to
write the new lyrics.

Let's see...

No, no!

Goddammit!

♪ How is it going eric? ♪

Terrible, I can't write
the lyrics for the third act.

Nothing's coming to me!

Well, you know, in theater
sometimes we try different tricks

To get the creative
juices flowing.

Like what?

Let's see, Helen Keller
was blind and deaf,

Perhaps you should see
♪ what it is like? ♪

♪ Deprive yourself
of your senses ♪

♪ and see what plays
inside your mind ♪

Here.

Hey, that's not
a bad idea.

♪ Just relax ♪

♪ Just try to let your mind
wander and let the juices flow ♪

Oh, man!

Well, did you
see anything?

No, just the same old crap I
always see when I close my eyes.

Oh, that's too bad.

Wait, I've got it!

The perfect setup for when
Helen Keller's pet turkey

Jumps through
the hoop of fire!

Yes!

Yes, I have it now!

The only way for that turkey
to avoid years of torture,

Is for you to let him go.

Let him go...
let him go.

Gobbles.

Gobbles!

Gobbles.

Gobbles!

Gobbles!

Timmy.

Timmy, Gobbles.

Daddy, why did mommy leave
and go to heaven?

She didn't want to, Kevin,
she had no choice.

But I miss her.

I could have done so much
more with my life, Son.

I've wasted it.

I've wasted it.

Not ever telling you and Monica that,

I love you.

Robbie!

Robbie, no!

Because now every time
I look at you...

I see her.

I have to move on.

Kelly, please,
don't do this.

I'm sorry!

Then why did you do it?

I don't know!

Have you done the right
things in your life?

Hi, Sheila!

Hello, Sharon,
where's your husband?

Oh he's in the back.

He set up a video camera so that
he could tape the performance.

Oh, so did Gerald.

Oh yeah, I got
a great angle here.

Hey Gerald,
maybe after the show

We can make copies of each
other's tapes, so we have both.

Good idea!

So wait...

Do we do the spin around thing
on the last beat?

No, ude, on ne n
and ne hree.

You ready for
the big show, Timmy?

Where's Gobbles, Timmy?

Gobbles.

Alright, everybody,
let's take our places!

Cartman, where is
Timmy's turkey?

I don't know.

I don't know,
you guys!

Alright, maybe I tried to have
Timmy's turkey crushed by a stagelight,

But I didn't do anything else,
I'm not an asshole!

You're going to
be brilliant!

You sexy,
gorgeous turkey.

With that other meddling
animal out of the way,

You'll steal the show!

Well, well, what are
you doing out here?

You shouldn't be out
walking the streets.

Hello, parents, and welcome to the 13th
annual south park Thanksgiving pageant.

Every year the 4th graders
do "The Miracle Worker",

And every year I have to
sit and watch it.

Yeah, I swore that if I had
to see it one more time,

I'd put a bullet
in my head.

But luckily I got really
stoned before I came.

And now here it is, the
touching story of Helen Keller,

"The Miracle Worker".

♪ Helen Keller Helen Keller
blind as a bat ♪

♪ She can't hear or speak
what's up with that? ♪

This is
"The Miracle Worker"?

I...

Well, maybe.

Ohh-Oh, ha-Ha,
wow!

Come on,
ya, move it!

Holy crow,
look, boys!

A real live
wild turkey!

It's trying to
outsmart us!

Come on, fellas!

♪ John come quick
our little baby's very sick ♪

♪ When I snap
she doesn't flinch ♪

♪ I wave
she doesn't move an inch ♪

♪ No 'is annot be
arlin you are aring me ♪

♪ She can't hear me,
John, watch! ♪

Helen!
Helen!

Helen!

♪ I think our baby's deaf
and blind oh nooooo ♪

♪ Oh no! ♪

♪ Oh no
oh nooooooo ♪

She's brilliant,
everyone loves her so far!

Hey, the fountains you guys installed
are shorting out some of our lights!

Look, we're only here to
do the water effects.

We're not in charge
of electrical.

That's a different union.

Timmy?

Union mafia bastards!

Oh, ha-Ha.

Well, look, Tim, all's fair
in love and theater, right?

Ha, ha.

Gobbles!

Where is Timmy,
he's on in one minute!

He's gone, dude, Butters
says he saw him leave.

Leave, leave?!

But nobody else knows
the part of Helen Keller!

I do,
I know the part.

If I must,
I can go on.

Alright, fine,
get in costume!

Gobbles!

There it is!

Hey, hey, I saw it first,
I get the first shot!

Here, turkey-turkey.

There is nothing we can do
for our poor daughter.

We cannot reach her.

♪ I cannot hear what
they are saying ♪

♪ I cannot tell them
how I feel ♪

What the hell is he doing, Helen
Keller isn't supposed to sing!

♪ If only I could say
things that go on in my mind ♪

Oh, wow!

That's it.

Gobbles!

Gotcha!

Gobbles!

Timmy?

Gobbles?

Gobbles!

Hagh!

Oh, thank God
you're alright, kid.

It was an accident,
I swear!

Uh is there any way we can
make it up to you?

Timmy...

Yes, that's it!

That's it, Helen,
water!

Wa-ter!

Wa-wa!

She did it!

♪ She did it
she did it ♪

♪ Water water
water ahhhhh ♪

♪ Water Helen ♪

♪ Wa-ter ♪

♪ We can't believe
she did it ♪

♪ The dumb kid
really did it ♪

♪ Water Helen ♪

♪ Wa-ter ♪

♪ And now that
I can communicate ♪

♪ The world is not so
cold and dark ♪

♪ Water Helen
ahahhhh ♪

Here it comes, angel,
your big finale!

The audience is going
to go wild!

Oh, back already?

Don't worry, Maynard covered
your part flawlessly.

Timmy!

Turkey shoot!

Aaghgh!

Alinicia,
Jesus, no!

Hagh, Timmy!

Okay, we're ready
for the-

What the hell did
you assholes do?!

This is supposed
to be the big finale

Where the turkey jumps
through the ring of fire!

Hey, look!

Oohhh!

Oh wow, wow!

They loved it,
they loved it!

Gobbles!

And finally tonight,
parents,

We have the South Park
kindergarten class.

Their play is titled
"Thanksgiving, Mon Ami".

Okay, here we go.

Oh, dude, it can't
be better than ours!

It just can't be!

♪ Thanksgiving dinner
let's all eat ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ And for our dinner
we'll invite some indians ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ With an indian here
and an indian there ♪

♪ Everywhere an indian
indian ♪

♪ Oh thanks- ♪

Aaghgh!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Alright, see ya
next year, parents!

That's it?

We worked our asses off
to compete with that!?

Butters told us
their play was awesome!

Wow, did you see that?

They had a horse, too!

Go-Bbles, Timmy!

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Captioned by
Soundwriters™