South Park (1997–…): Season 24, Episode 3 - Post COVID - full transcript
* MTV. *
NARRATOR:
And now, a Paramount Plus
made-for-TV movie.
"It's not a movie--
it's a made-for-TV movie."
* *
NARRATOR:
From the green hills of Vermont
to the verdant canyons
of Arizona,
people all over the country
are beginning to realize
it's nearly over!
We have almost beaten COVID
and the best news of all:
Infections are
at an all-time low.
New, stronger vaccinations
have ebbed the tide.
And we humans
are cleaning up the mess
and finally
getting on with our lives.
But as we start to get back
to our jobs and schools,
one question remains:
What lingering effects will
the pandemic have on children?
Some say no effect at all.
The children are just fine.
-(chiming)
-We came together
and finally we can say,
we are starting to
-win the war against COVID.
-WOMAN: Stan?
Stan, the phone's for you!
Stan!
What?!
Could you not hear me?
Yeah, dude,
but I'm busy working.
Working on getting drunk again.
I'm not "getting drunk,"
I'm an online
whiskey consultant.
I'm doing research.
Everyone needs
to leave me alone.
The guy on the phone
said it's important.
He said his name
is Kyle Broflovski.
Kyle?
-Hello?
-KYLE: Oh, hi.
Is this Stan Marsh,
from South Park?
-Kyle?
-Oh, dude, it is you!
How have you--
How have you been?
I'm... fine. How are you?
I'm good, I'm...
I know this is weird.
We haven't talked since...
well, you know,
since it all happened.
Yeah, well, the pandemic
is about over now.
I'm moving on with my life.
Stan...
you should come back here.
There's a lot going on.
There's nothing in
South Park for me, Kyle!
I'm not going back there, ever.
Look, dude, you remember
when we were little?
When the pandemic...
first started.
Us friends said
we'd always be there
for each other
when things got bad.
What do you mean?
What's happened?
Stan...
It's Kenny. He's dead.
* *
* *
(audience cheering)
ANNOUNCER:
Live from the Moderna Center
in downtown New York,
it's Late Night With Jimmy!
Tonight's guest,
First Lady Tom Kardashian!
And now here he is,
the king of woke comedy, Jimmy!
(audience cheering)
Wow.
Wow, what a terrific audience.
What a fantastic audience, wow.
(cheering quiets)
Geez, what's the deal
with these Mexicans, huh?
(laughter)
I mean, they have fabulous food,
their country
has amazing beaches,
and they're
really fantastic people.
(cheering and applause)
Wow, what a great audience.
You know,
today I was on the subway
and I saw an ad
for the Center for People
Who Identify as Homosexual
But Were Born Bi.
-(laughter)
-Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this?
I'll tell you one thing--
those people are brave
and deserve
-every ounce of our respect.
-(cheering)
S-Stick around.
First Lady Tom Kardashian
is here.
We'll be right back!
(band playing in distance)
Jimmy, we got
a call from corporate.
They want you to cut
the hummus joke.
What?!
It's hard enough
doing comedy these days.
Now I'm getting notes
during commercial breaks?!
You're just gonna have to joke
about something else.
All right, fine, what else
is going on in the news? Quick!
Uh, Amazon thinks they might
have discovered gold on Mars.
Ah, Jesus. Anything else?
Uh, that famous
eccentric scientist died.
The millionaire philanthropist?
Dr. McCormick?
Kenny? Kenny's dead?
Oh, I'm sorry,
did you know him?
We were friends when we
were kids. Let me see that!
ANNOUNCER: "Very
mysterious circumstances."
That's what doctors
are saying about
the death of beloved scientist
and humanitarian,
Dr. Kenny McCormick.
McCormick was a pioneer of
science and technology
who was always trying to unlock
the key to a better future.
He worked tirelessly--
some say balls-out crazily--
on new inventions and theories
but somehow his biggest
questions seemed to elude him.
The head of NASA said,
"We have lost
"an innovator and a visionary.
"Kenny was so brilliant
that most of the time,
we couldn't even understand
what he was saying."
Get me a first-class ticket
to South Park!
What? You can't leave!
You have to get back onstage!
The first lady is here!
Tell Tom Kardashian to suck my
P-P-Popsicles
that are in the green room,
and that I am very sorry,
and that he is
a fantastic person.
* *
WOMAN:
Stan?
Stan, wake up,
I think we're here.
So that's it, huh?
-That's the town you grew up in?
-STAN: Yeah.
Well, how does it feel to
be back after all these years?
It feels shitty, okay?
Can you please shut the fuck up?
Why did you even bring me
along if you're not going
to let me help you
through this?!
Alexa, stop!
("Stir It Up"
by Patti LaBelle playing)
(beeps)
* *
* I can't sit here
while I go nowhere *
* Chase my dreams
through the polluted air *
* Walking on a wire *
* Running out of time *
* There's no room
in this ol' heart of mine *
* So much pressure
to keep holdin' on *
* Pack my clothes up, baby,
I'll be gone *
* Stir it up, I've got to
break it up now *
* When I think about tomorrow *
* I can't wait to *
* Stir it up *
* Got to shake it up now *
* If I have to beg or borrow *
* I don't wanna *
* Take it anymore *
* Got to break it up now *
* When I think about tomorrow *
* I can't wait to stir it up. *
MALE VOICE: Come on in
and let your taste buds soar!
Denny's is now
Denny's Applebee's Max.
Come taste the difference.
(woman speaking Japanese)
(soft electronic music playing)
(sighs)
-Hey, dude.
-Hey, dude.
Wow. This is crazy, huh?
I mean, how long has it been?
I guess...
since we were nine.
Well, have a seat.
What have you been up to?
Oh, dude,
just all kinds of stuff.
You know, getting stuff going.
Got my own online
whiskey consultant gig.
I'm totally happy.
What about you?
Oh, I'm getting things
going, too.
I'm doing a sort of counseling
online start-up thing.
Really doing great, too.
-Sweet.
-Listen, Stan...
I know that we disagreed
a lot during the pandemic,
but I hope we can
put that aside...
Dude, Kyle,
I'm just here for Kenny.
All right, well,
there's something you should
know about the way Kenny died.
Hi, guys, welcome to
Denny's Applebee's Max.
I see you
got your menus already.
As you're deciding
what to order,
I just want to go over
a couple things.
Now, of course, it is the future
so we don't have any meat
on the menu.
'Cause you know,
here in the future,
we've all decided meat is wrong.
Yeah, we know.
Okay, and, uh,
you'll see there's
some dishes made
from insect protein on the menu.
That, of course, is because
here in the future,
we've all learned that insects
are a valuable and sustainable
food and we no longer
fear it as a food. Mm-hmm.
We know, dude.
Okay, well, if you have any
questions, please don't hesitate
to say anything, because,
you know, it's the future.
We've learned to all just
get along and love each other.
Look, Stan,
Kenny was trying to find
the answers
to some pretty heavy stuff.
He felt like there
were people responsible
for everything that's happened.
Like who?
That's just it. Nobody knows.
But whoever these people are,
they didn't want
Kenny McCormick exposing them.
Wait a minute. Token?
Yeah, it's me.
Just before he died,
Kenny was texting me
that he was on
to something huge.
And he was texting me, too.
Saying he'd discovered
something that
could change the world.
And then he died,
and the hospital won't say how.
And that got us thinking...
Oh, my God.
They killed Kenny.
I'm just here for the funeral.
I don't want to be a part
of anything else.
Dude, there might be
people to blame
for ruining our childhoods.
So what do you wanna do, Kyle?
Go on some bullshit adventure
like when we were kids?
Maybe, maybe we can call
Jesus and Santa
and ask them for help.
Is that what you want?
It's the fucking future,
you guys. Grow up.
Hello, welcome to
the Super 12 Motel Plus.
-Can I help you?
-Yeah, Stan Marsh.
I have a room for one night.
Okay, I see you're in one of
our Mach Ten Super Plus rooms.
Now, of course,
we only take Bitcoin
and other cryptocurrency 'cause,
you know, it's the future.
We've all decided
centralized banking is rigged,
so we trust more in
fly-by-night Ponzi schemes.
Yeah, I know.
So you walked out on
all your friends and then
just hung out at a bar all day?
Alexa, fucking just go
throw yourself out a window.
I'm sorry.
I didn't quite get that.
Nothing.
Alexa, turn on the TV.
Oh, God, you are
such a piece of shit.
-(TV chimes)
-You know,
if you had
Remote Prime membership,
you could watch Amazon movies
wherever you go.
Would you like to get started?
-No.
-I'm sorry.
I'm trying
to be fucking helpful.
Why don't you grow up
and start acting like an adult
for once in your life...
Alexa, stop!
Fuck you!
(news theme volume increases)
Jon, I'm standing outside
the South Park Flash Rail Max,
where hundreds of people
are coming to
pay their respects
to Dr. Kenny McCormick.
There's still no word
from the hospital
on what exactly
killed Kenny McCormick,
but letters sent to multiple
news outlets reveal
that he might have
known his life was in danger.
Dr. McCormick said,
"I am about to expose the truth.
"In the event of my death
I have hidden away
"all relevant information.
My closest friends
will know where to find it."
Dr. Kenneth McCormick.
He wanted to make the future
a better place.
Too bad he died, 'cause
the future certainly sucks.
* *
(doorbell rings)
* Someone's at the door *
* This is the doorbell *
* It's the future
so doorbells sing. *
Yeah, I know.
Okay, so you were right.
Kenny was on to some bad people
and he hid something
for us to find.
Yeah, I saw.
Only problem is
I don't know
what he's talking about.
But thank you
for saying I was right.
You're welcome. It doesn't mean
that you were right
about everything
during the pandemic.
Because you weren't.
Okay, well, obviously
we're never going to agree
on certain things,
so we shouldn't talk about them.
Sounds good.
So let's go to Kenny's wake
and see if anyone else shows up
who might know what
Kenny's talking about.
Let's do that.
(busy chatter)
Hello. Testing.
Hey, everybody.
It's amazing to see you all
here for Kenny's wake.
Wow, what a great audience.
Uh, for those of you
who don't know,
my name is Jimmy Valmer and, uh,
I had to take an Asian airline
to get here today.
You know what they say
about Asian airlines--
they're dependable
and just as efficient
as any other competent airline.
(whooping and cheering)
What a terrific audience.
So many people
have come for Kenny today--
so many amazing friends
I haven't seen in ages.
You know, I had a friend once
who was a Polish hair stylist.
Talk about an amazing haircut
at an affordable price.
(whooping and cheering)
Well, I know that
we're all ready
to talk to each other
and share our memories of Kenny.
So please just have fun
and we'll see you
-at the funeral tomorrow.
-(applause)
(electronic drumbeat playing)
* We are all, you and me *
* We are all living
in the future *
* We are all in the future... *
-(groans)
-Stan?
-Stan Marsh?
-Yeah?
Hi. It's Wendy.
Wendy Testaburger, wow.
Yeah. My husband, Darwin.
Hey, pal, how are ya?
Hey, guys.
It's Tweek and Craig.
Oh, hey.
How are you guys?
We're good.
(straining):
I have a lot of anxiety
being back
with all these people!
Wendy's told me a lot
about you, Stan.
How's everything
with the family?
Excuse me, I'm gonna go
get, uh, drunk.
-What's wrong with Stan?
-We're just...
trying to find out
what happened to Kenny.
I think this goes deeper
than you guys realize.
Hey, Stan Marsh!
Good to see you.
It's me, Clyde Donovan.
Oh, hey, Clyde.
What have you been doing
during the pandemic?
Oh, you know, lots of stuff.
Yeah, me, too.
Sucks about Kenny, huh?
Hope they find
all the information
-on that thing he hid.
-You know
where he might have hid it?
No, I don't.
But I bet someone here does.
It's really great
to see you guys again.
These past few decades
have been really tough.
Yeah, sometimes I think
the pandemic really aged me.
Kyle, can I talk to you
for a second?
-Dude, he's here.
-Who's here?
-Cartman?
-Yeah, but he's changed.
Changed how?
Yes, I know,
it's been a long time
since we've seen each other.
I'm doing really well.
I'm actually the head
of Gespetzah Synagogue
down in Colorado Springs.
Can you believe it?
I'm a rabbi.
Yeah, you know, when
the whole pandemic happened,
I think it changed me.
It really changed me
for the better.
-It did?
-No.
-He's fucking with me.
-What? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I get it,
the Eric Cartman you guys knew
didn't seem like
he'd become a rabbi.
But I found real meaning
in the Torah
and then I found a great
Jewish woman and...
let the spirit of the Talmud
guide our lives.
Okay, jut knock it off, fat-ass.
Dude.
Wow, that's very big
of you, Kyle.
Still living in South Park
and calling people fat-ass, huh?
Wait, I'm sorry,
that was uncalled for.
It's not fucking funny, Cartman!
Stop pretending you
have a happy Jewish life!
Hey, shoogina!
I'm sorry, I couldn't
wait in the car anymore;
I had to meet your friends.
Oh, that's okay.
Guys, this is my wife, Yentl.
I've heard so many stories
about you all.
It must have been amazing
to grow up
in these beautiful mountains!
Yentl? Her name is Yentl?
Can we fucking stop this
and talk about Kenny, please?!
-Oh, is that, uh...?
-Yeah, that's-that's Kyle, yeah.
I'm sorry, honey, can you
just give me a couple minutes?
I just need a few more
seconds with them
and I'll be right out
to the car.
Oh, okay, I get it.
Nice to meet you guys.
We'll see you at the funeral,
I guess.
And I'm very sorry
for your loss.
Bye, Mrs. Cartman.
Okay, look, guys, Kenny and I
were still really good friends.
He used to email me all the time
about stuff he was doing.
Yeah, me, too!
Well, so then maybe he also
told you that
he was trying to find
the origin of the coronavirus.
What are you talking about?
Kenny was obsessed with
how corona first got started.
He was clearly on to something,
and then he died.
I know we all want
to solve this for him.
You know, in the Torah,
when Abraham
first heard the word of God...
Just knock it off!
You don't believe
a word of that shit.
You're just doing all this
to get a rise out of me.
Kyle, you really think
I would spend 40 years
of my life
just to get a rise out of you?
-Yes, I do!
-Same ol' Kyle.
Well, I got to go, guys.
I'll see you at Kenny's funeral
tomorrow.
Maybe he's really changed.
No. He is fucking with me.
INTERVIEWER (on TV):
Sometimes I feel like
things weren't supposed
to be like this.
Like maybe there are others
in control of the way
it all turned out.
Is that what you're saying,
Dr. McCormick?
Are you saying that there are
other people responsible?
I guess what I'm trying to say,
Dr. McCormick, is...
your theories seem to point to
some kind of people with power.
Let me put it another way--
we've all seen the pictures
of you working in Egypt,
lecturing at MIT.
And you always seem to
come back to this concept
of this mysterious
organization who is to blame.
-Let me put it yet
another way, Dr. McCormick.
-Hang on a second.
What was that?
Alexa, freeze the video.
-What?
-Freeze video
and reverse playback
ten seconds.
Stop there.
Enhance image 20%.
Ugh. Whatever.
(beeps, whirs)
Shift right ten frames.
(beeps, whirs)
Enhance.
(beeps, whirs)
ALEXA:
Tegridy Weed?
Isn't that your dad's
old marijuana company?
Oh, shit.
* *
Hi. Welcome.
Welcome, my friends.
So blessed to have you here.
Hello, my child,
thank you for coming.
-Yeah, sure.
-Wait, Stan?
Stan Marsh?
Praise be!
I haven't seen you in ages!
I'm sorry, do I know you?
Well, sure, it's me!
Scott Malkinson!
Remember me?
-Uh, no, sorry.
-I hung out with you guys
all the time
when we were little.
I was the kid with the lisp.
-Who had diabetes?
-Oh, yeah, sure...
Great to see you again.
Hey, guys.
Great to see you in church.
-It's Scott Malkinson.
-Who?
Scott Malkinson, I went
to school with you guys?
Oh, okay.
Hello. Welcome. Hey!
It's me! Scott Malkinson!
With the diabetes. No?
Kenny McCormick was
a cherished son, a wise man,
and a wonderful friend.
Kenny touched all
of our lives and made
each and every one of us
laugh, cry and ponder.
And in his death,
now we can reflect on
our own lives.
Are we happy?
Are we the person
we hoped to be?
Have we, like Kenny,
given all that we can
to forgive those around us?
For life is short,
and our family and friends
must be cherished.
You know, in many ways,
death is like diabetes.
You spend your whole life
trying to fight it off
but ultimately it just wins.
And so let's take the time now
to reach out to our friends.
To reach out to our family.
To tell our mothers
and our fathers that we...
All right! All right! Who
the fuck put you up to this?
Did you write
this goddamn speech, Kyle?
Did you tell him
to say all this stuff?
What the fuck
are you talking about?
You know that I know something
about Kenny
that I'm not telling you because
it involves my father,
who I don't want to face!
That's crazy and you'd be able
to face what happened
to your family if you
weren't a fucking asshole!
Guys, please,
this is a house of God.
You shut the fuck up!
You judge me,
you all sit here and judge me.
Well, fuck all of you!
This is exactly why I moved out
of this hick-ass town!
And I am going back home
to the city!
My child, please,
we are gathered in Christ...
(mockingly): My child, please,
we are gathered in Christ.
I'm Scott Malkinson.
I have diabetes.
He does remember me!
Alexa, start the car!
Start the car?
Where are you going?
I need to stop at a store
and then we're going home.
What about the connection
you just found
between Kenny and your father?
Alexa, find the nearest
liquor store.
Oh, you wanna get drunk?
Let me guess-- someone said
something you didn't like
and it made you want to
pound beer and wine?
It's not
"pounding beer and wine."
I drop wine shots into the beer.
It's called a "smorgasvein"
and it's very cultural!
Stop acting like a child and
support your dead friend, Stan!
-You don't even have any...
-Alexa, stop!
(car beeps)
(tires screeching)
Thank you.
Thank you, Father.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Rabbi Cartman
and I was Kenny McCormick's
very, very best friend.
Kenny was not a Jew,
but he had so many
amazing Jewish qualities.
Qualities that I see
in my loving wife
and my amazing kids,
that are right over there.
Over there by Kyle.
And as we all return now
to our homes
and our lives, I think that--
a lot like Abraham--
-let's not forget that...
-Excuse me. Everyone?
Hello?
Everyone, can I have
your attention, please?
We got results from the PNR scan
of Dr. McCormick's remains
and we now know
the cause of his death.
-(murmuring)
-Now we all need to stay calm.
There is no reason
to panic, but...
Kenny died of COVID.
It's a new variant.
The COVID Delta Plus
Rewards Program variant.
(all screaming)
Everyone, please!
We cannot panic!
(all screaming and clamoring)
(whooshing)
(all screaming)
That's it! We're all out
of chin diapers!
Oh, God, we're all out
of chin diapers!
(frantic groaning)
Zoom...
(muttering)
Come on, come on, come on!
Remote learning!
Come on, come on, come on!
(horns honking)
Alexa, what's going on?
ALEXA: There's some kind
of road closure ahead.
Set up a perimeter!
I want all exit points sealed.
People of South Park,
there is an outbreak of COVID
in your community.
You are being quarantined.
Hey, dude! I don't live here.
I need to get home!
Nobody is going in or out.
We have confirmation that
one person in this community
has never been vaccinated
against COVID,
so we must quarantine everyone.
One person?!
Well, who is it?!
We are not allowed to say.
But if you tell us who
the unvaccinated person is,
we can have them vaccinated
and then this will all be over!
We can't tell you who it is
because, in case you forgot,
it's the future, and we don't
single out or ridicule anyone
for their personal beliefs.
Gah! I hate the future!
What does this mean?
Yeah, what's it mean, Daddy?
I think it means...
we're all stuck in South Park.
(busy chatter)
-(groans)
-Okay, there we go.
We'll get back
with the results.
Maintain six feet
social distance
and stay indoors.
Thank you.
Next, please!
Yeah, listen, I have to
get out of here.
Yes, don't we all.
No, no, no,
I don't belong here
and I don't have
anywhere to stay.
They've shut down
all the motels.
Do you have any friends or
family that you can stay with?
No, these people
are not my friends
and I have no family here.
-Oka-- (groans)
-It's okay.
They've set up
an emergency shelter
for all the people who were here
from out of town.
Where?
(indistinct chatter)
PC PRINCIPAL: All right,
everyone, listen up.
No way.
Welcome to
South Park Elementary.
We want to help you all
be as comfortable as possible.
So we will have quiet time
from 9:00 p.m.
to 6:00 a.m. every day.
I don't want to hear
any fucking gender-specific
language in here.
And if anybody here
casts a movie with someone
other than the culture
that that movie is about,
you are fucking out of here!
All right, thank you.
It is now 9:01. Lights out.
* *
It's been a long time
since I've prayed.
I don't know
if anyone can hear me...
but we all really
need help right now.
I know in my heart
that Kenny didn't just die
of some new COVID variant.
I know there's something
way bigger going on.
But it all seems like
so much to take on.
Please, if there's
anyone who could
help see me through this,
it would be a miracle.
(water splashes)
* *
(doorbell rings)
* Someone's at the door *
-(groans)
-* This is the doorbell *
* Apparently in the future *
* All doorbells
sing, sing, sing. *
Yeah, I fucking know,
goddamn it!
Hey, Kyle.
Oh, man, this is crazy, huh?
The school is all filled up
and the motels are shut down.
I was, I was just hoping
maybe we could crash here.
Look, I, uh,
I don't think that's gonna work.
I figured Stan is probably
staying with you, too?
No. No, he's not.
Oh, great!
Then you have some extra rooms.
-We're gonna be okay, kids!
-KIDS: Yay!
No, no, Cartman,
I'm sure there are
some other places you can stay.
My family would be
really comfortable
in a nice Jewish home.
Please, Kyle, for my kids.
We promise we'll be good,
Uncle Kyle.
Please, Uncle Kyle?
Please,
Uncle Kyle?
I can't believe this.
Come on, kids!
Oh, bless you, Kyle.
Don't worry,
I'll put them right to bed.
You won't even know we're here.
Toda raba, Uncle Kyle.
That's Hebrew for "thank you."
(quiet chatter)
Guys, doesn't this all
seem a little too convenient?
What do you mean?
I mean that Kenny's death
is suspicious,
he talks about people
to blame and then
he suddenly dies of
some new COVID variant?
You think it's a cover, Token?
I think it's
definitely suspicious.
Speaking of suspicious,
what do you call a trans woman
that walks into
an abortion clinic?
Her name is Rebecca
and she's a fantastic person.
Just seems all nice
and buttoned up, doesn't it?
It's a perfect cause of death
and anyone who's trying
to sort it out is quarantined
because one person
isn't vaccinated?
It's true-- who wouldn't be
vaccinated by now?
I'm certainly vaccinated.
-Yeah, I'm vaccinated.
-Me, too.
We're all vaccinated.
Yeah, I mean, I-I think
it's a personal choice.
What does that mean?
Are you vaccinated, Clyde?
I'm... immunized.
He's not fucking vaccinated!
He's the fucking one!
Hey, I just, I just
need to see the research
first, you know.
It's been 40 years, Clyde.
That's enough research!
Alexa, set an alarm
for 7:00 a.m.
Alexa,
set an alarm for 7:00 a.m.
Why don't you go talk
to your father?
Goddamn it.
If there's some kind
of connection
with your dad's farm that can
help everyone figure out
what's going on,
then you need to talk to him.
Can I just go to sleep, please?
Oh, poor you!
Poor you!
Stop being a fucking victim.
At least you get to go out
and do stuff.
What do I get to do?
-Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
-Oh, okay, great.
You're sorry, again.
By the way, I can tell you
about some great deals
on headphones at Best Buy.
Would you like to know more?
-Sure, yes, tell me more.
-Okay.
The Mark VII headphones
have a new edition coming out.
Should I add that
to your shopping list?
(sighs) Yes, sure,
add them to my shopping list.
Okay.
I'll add Mark VII headphones
from Best Buy
to your shopping list.
-(Yentl moaning)
-CARTMAN: Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you like that?
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah, you like how Abraham
trusted in the one true God?!
-(moaning continues)
-Yeah! Oh, oh, yeah! Yeah!
Goddamn it!
(moaning)
CARTMAN:
Oh. Shh, shh. Hang on, honey.
Hang on.
Yeah, yeah,
what's up, buddy?
What's up
is that I am over this!
What are, what are
you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about!
You know I can hear you
through the walls!
Okay, geez, I'm sorry.
Sorry I was making love
to my wife.
No Jewish people have sex
screaming about
their love of Abraham!
You are a fucking fraud!
Is everything all right?
Do you know that
your husband once snuck
in my room
and gave me fucking AIDS?!
-I'm sorry?!
-Oh, my God, Kyle!
If we are being too loud, please
don't lash out at my wife!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
I don't know what to say.
Mom, Dad, is everything okay?
It's all right, kids.
Go back to bed.
Kyle, obviously you have
a problem with us being here.
I promise you that we will be
gone first thing in the morning.
That's probably best!
(rhythmic rattling)
-YENTL: Oh, yeah.
-CARTMAN: Oh, yeah!
-YENTL: Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah, you like how Abraham
-almost sacrificed
his only son?!
-Oh, yeah!
-(moans)
-CARTMAN: Yeah!
Sir! Sir,
the townspeople are demanding
to know when
the quarantine will end.
It'll end when we get the order
that everything is safe.
But, sir, the people inside
are running out of supplies.
They're saying they don't
have nearly enough
chin diapers and
people are starting to fight.
I have strict orders not to let
anything in or out of this town.
They'll just have to make do
the best they can in there.
Hopefully they can
maintain some sense of humanity.
SOLDIER:
We got a runner!
Another one trying to get out!
Please!
I just need to go to
a sporting event!
(gunshot)
(school bell rings)
(busy chatter)
(yawns)
(smacking lips)
(toilet flushes)
Hey, Clyde. Clyde, can we
talk to you for a second?
Sure, what's up?
Look, Clyde,
we all really respect
your personal p-p-preferences.
But we have things we
really need to get back to.
We've got jobs a-and careers,
people who need us.
B-But we're being forced
to stay here.
So could you maybe just--
just get vaccinated real quick?
Oh. Um...
Nah. I don't wanna.
(all groaning)
Look, I'm sorry, guys.
It's for health reasons.
I can't get vaccinated 'cause
I'm allergic to shellfish.
Clyde, there's no shellfish
in the COVID vaccine.
I know,
but I read that sometimes
in the lab where the vaccine
is made,
if somebody ate shellfish,
then it can
get cross-contaminated
and have leftover
residual shellfish-ness.
So you're saying you
won't take the COVID vaccine
out of shellfish-ness.
Yes, that is correct.
Just a general sense
of shellfish-ness.
Everyone, you better
come check this out.
Look at this.
CRAIG:
The McCormick Science Wing
at South Park Elementary.
Yeah, so? I read about this.
Kenny donated tons of money
to build a science center
for the students.
Yeah, for the students.
So why does it
have a lock on it?
* *
(banging)
(chain rattles)
WENDY: This must be where Kenny
was doing all his research.
He didn't want to be found,
so he used the school as cover.
Uh, guys, why is there
blood everywhere?
Everybody see what you can find.
There's got to be a clue here
of who killed Kenny.
(electronic drumbeat playing)
* In the future *
* We are living in the future *
* It's the future. *
(music stops)
MALE VOICE: And we are the
fastest growing retirement home
in Park County.
With our newest tower,
we can now house over
600,000 old people.
'Cause in the future you're old
for a long, long time.
(indistinct chatter, grumbling)
(pained groaning)
Can I help you?
My name is Stan Marsh.
I came to...
visit my dad.
(knocking)
Mr. Marsh.
Mr. Marsh, guess what.
Your son is here.
I don't have a son.
Oh, come on, Mr. Marsh,
don't be a grumpy pants.
You tell that piece of shit
that if he wants to
talk to me,
he can write an email.
Tell that little pussy
if I had any grandkids,
maybe I wouldn't be so bitter
at having such a little bitch
for a son!
-Hi, Dad.
-Oh, hey, Stan.
I'll leave you two alone.
So, looks like
the Broncos still suck.
Yup.
Well, it was nice seeing ya.
Thanks for coming to visit.
I didn't come to visit.
Trust me,
I don't want to be here.
Right, like you didn't
want to murder your sister.
What happened to Shelley
was your fault, not mine!
Yeah, like it was my fault
your mom shot herself!
Yes, it actually was!
Your mom died the day
her daughter burned to death!
I'm just here because of Kenny.
Why would he have
Tegridy Weed in his equations?
Dr. McCormick mentioned Tegridy?
It seemed to somehow fit
into some grand theory he had.
He knew. He knew
it was the way to fix it all.
He knew...
about the Pandemic Special.
But, Mom,
why do we have to leave?
It's not safe outside!
We aren't welcome here,
children.
We have to find another
place to stay.
Oh, no, this is just like
when our people were
exiled from the Holy Lands.
Mrs. Cartman,
can I talk to you, please?
-Uncle Kyle!
-Uncle Kyle,
why are you making us go? Why?
Is it 'cause we're Jews?
Mrs. Cartman,
I'm sorry for last night.
I was just... tired and it was
extremely inappropriate of me.
BOTH:
Dad!
I think Uncle Kyle
is gonna let us stay, Papa!
Uh, no, kids, I'm sorry, but we
can't stay here with Uncle Kyle.
Please stay.
I am asking you to stay.
Can we, Dad?
We'll be good, we promise!
You little ones are always good.
* Mik-helm, Mik-helm,
mit cloiska pudding *
* Vil plotz vit laughter, too *
Stop it!
(doorbell rings)
* Someone is at the door! *
-* Yeah! This is the doorbell! *
-(yells)
* It is the future! *
They killed Kenny...
because he was
trying to stop it.
Stop what?
We found Kenny's lab.
All of his confidential work
and his wild experiments.
Kenny wasn't just trying to find
the source of the coronavirus.
He was trying
to go back in time,
and stop the pandemic
from ever happening.
* *
(woman speaking Japanese)
Okay, old people.
It's 4:00.
You know what that means.
It's share time!
(all grumbling)
Who has something that they
want to share?
Mr. Garrison?
I'd like to share
my dick in your mouth.
-(laughter)
-M'kay.
Okay, guys, let's settle down.
Look, I know sharing feelings is
hard during this time of crisis.
Is anyone feeling nervous
about the new COVID outbreak?
(grumbling)
We don't want you to worry,
because, you know,
it's the future--
we all do everything we can
to make sure
old people don't die.
(all groaning)
Okay, if nobody else
wants to go first,
Randy Marsh had
a little visitor today
and he'd like to share that
with all of you.
Uh, hey, everyone. I had
a special visitor today.
My "son."
Who hasn't come to see me
in over 20 years.
And I have some things
I need to tell him
but it's hard because...
he killed his mom
and his sister.
Okay, okay,
here's what happened.
Oh, here we go, here we go.
After the pandemic,
my mom wanted a divorce
and she owned half of the farm.
She didn't own half,
she always hated weed,
and she didn't do shit
for the farm.
He wouldn't give her half
the farm, so I got sick
of their fighting
and decided to burn
the whole stupid farm
to the ground.
And his sister was in the barn
and she burned to death.
Because you locked her
in the barn 'cause she wouldn't
do her weed chores
'cause she hated weed, too!
Yes, she had
a marijuana problem.
And so his mother
couldn't take the loss
of Shelley
and so she killed herself!
Which is your fault.
You were the one who
burned the family business
to the ground.
You guys are hearing this,
right?
So, Kenny spends years
researching time travel,
then suddenly Kenny dies,
and all his fellow
scientists go missing.
Just leaving behind
a trail of blood.
Seems like all of
the scientists were murdered
so that nobody could
complete Kenny's work.
All of them except one.
In almost all this research,
one name keeps popping up:
Victor Chouce.
It appears that Chouce
was Kenny's right-hand man.
But he was insane.
He's been locked up for years
inside a mental institution.
Oh, come on.
Now we're gonna start talking
to certifiably crazy people?
Crazy or not,
we find this Victor Chouce
and we find where
Kenny hid the information.
* *
(crazed chatter and wailing)
WARDEN (echoes):
Yes.
Yes, that is correct.
Victor Chouce is
one of our patients here.
What is the nature
of your inquiry?
We have reason to believe
that Victor Chouce
can answer questions
regarding our friend's death.
Could you put him
on the line please?
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Victor is too unstable for
phone calls. They confuse him.
Well, can we come
talk to him in person then?
Yes, I believe
that could be arranged.
As long as
the proper protocols are met.
Is everyone
in your party vaccinated?
No.
Well, then
I'm afraid we can't allow you
into our facility.
But-but we have to talk to him!
It's urgent!
What'd they say?
They're not
gonna let us see him!
It's some kind of
goddamn conspiracy!
(woman speaking Japanese)
Listen to me, it's very simple.
I need to take my dad
out of here.
He has to come with me.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Senior citizens are
in here to keep them safe.
You know, it's the future--
we can't let old people die.
-I told you, stupid.
-Shut up, Dad.
Look, there's a chance we
can help fight this new variant.
I just need him out for
a couple hours
so we can
get something important.
Well, why don't you
just go get it?
Because he won't tell me
where it is because
-he doesn't trust me.
-Because he killed his mom.
Look, I'm sorry,
but this is the future.
Nothing is more important than
keeping old people alive.
What if you took him out there
and, God forbid,
he crapped his pants?
And then slipped on
the old people diarrhea
and hit his head?
We'd have to shut down
the entire country,
for Christ's sake.
Well, I guess that's it.
Only one way out now.
Kick him in the balls, Stan!
-What?!
-Kick him in the balls!
-Come on, hurry!
-Get your hands off of me!
-Dad!
-Goddamn it, Stan,
kick his fucking balls
so we can go!
-Fuck!
-(groans)
Okay, grab his keys!
Grab his keys, you stupid ass!
(coughing and groaning)
(alert beeping)
FEMALE VOICE: Warning. Warning.
Old person has escaped.
Old person has escaped.
Warning.
(woman speaking Japanese)
(alarm blaring)
(sirens wailing)
All of these documents
we found in Kenny's lab
referred to possible origins
of the coronavirus.
He wanted to go back
and stop it.
But to stop it, he had to
figure out how to bend time.
Exactly. There's notes--
years and years of research
that Kenny compiled--
all on the possibilities
of time travel.
CARTMAN (giggling):
You silly girl.
You, yes.
Who's a little mister, yes.
Who's a little hetzpah?
Who's my little meshugana?
Excuse me!
Geez, sorry, Kyle.
Kenny was researching
the nature of space-time
to see if some kind
of bending was possible.
But then suddenly, all
the research just gets cut off.
Because whoever
made the pandemic happen
killed Kenny before
he could go back and stop it.
CARTMAN (giggling):
Silly girl. Yes.
Will you please knock it off?!
What's the problem, Kyle?
You know what you're doing,
fat-ass!
Goddamn it, why don't you lay
off my fuckin' dad, Uncle Kyle!
Moisha! He's never
talked like that before.
I'm sorry, Mom. It's just...
Uncle Kyle,
he makes me so crazy!
That is not okay, Moisha.
But it's true, Dad.
Uncle Kyle makes me crazy, too!
-(scoffs) Menorah!
-Fuck you, Kyle.
(gasps) Hackelm!
You guys, listen.
In Kenny's work
he talks about where he would
hide important information.
He says his friends
will always know where to look
if they just
think like kids again.
Think like kids again...
I know where Kenny hid
what we're looking for.
It's up his ass.
Who's the broad?
That's just my Alexa.
That's the best
you could do, huh?
Is it even the new one?
-Excuse me?
-Just ignore him.
Okay, fine, there's a new
upgrade available
for your Amazon Prime
membership.
Would you like to know more?
Not now, please.
Okay, so I guess
just fuck me, then?
Uh-huh.
(car beeps)
* *
This was once
such a magical place.
Can we just get this over with?
I don't want to be here.
You think I want to be here?
This is where I lost
everything that I cared about!
And your mom and your sister!
Dad, there's nothing here.
Dad?
I think I can
trust you now, Stan.
It's time for you to learn what
your friend Kenny was after.
When the pandemic started,
you were only a kid.
You don't remember the pain
we all went through.
Yeah, I do.
We as Americans
went through so much.
First, that incompetent
jack-hole was elected president.
Then the pandemic came,
and then the race wars.
And then just when it seemed
like we'd turned a corner,
Space Jam 2 came out,
and we all just kind of gave up.
What we lost,
Stan, was our Tegridy.
But it was all by design.
They needed us to lose it.
Who did?
Who would want us
to lose our optimism
and start fighting
with each other?
China.
-China?
-China.
They're the superpower now.
The future is totally theirs
and we let it happen.
A man in China
had sex with a pangolin
and that started COVID.
That man was me.
So I knew how to go back
and stop them
from taking over...
Wait, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait.
You started COVID?
Yes, but that's
besides the point.
China used me
like they used us all.
So I came up with a way
to help everyone fight back.
A special Tegridy weed.
You had sex with a pangolin
in China and started
the whole pandemic?!
Will you listen
to what I'm saying?!
Gal!
I worked to create more Tegridy,
but China did everything
they could to stop me.
They even got to my son.
Who burned all of
Tegridy Farms to the ground.
But what you didn't even know
was that I had secretly
created a new strain of weed.
A weed so powerful, I couldn't
even call it a special.
It was more like an event.
I hid it away all these years.
And now it... is the key
to saving us all.
(whirring)
-Where the fuck is it?
-What?
The Tegridy Weed Special Event!
Where the fuck is it?!
I don't know, Dad!
They got it. They took it!
There's even fresh
footprints on the ground!
Oh, Jesus!
So maybe it wasn't the Chinese.
Yeah, no, it was definitely
the Chinese. Oh, God.
That was it! That was
the very last bit of Tegridy!
The only other thing I had
were some seeds that I hid
up my ass, but they took them
from me at the old folks home!
Wait a minute.
What did you say?
I said they took them from me
at the old folks home.
No, before that.
Oh. I said I hid 'em
up my ass.
Jesus. It's so simple.
How did we not get it?
Alexa, start the car!
There's no point now, son!
It's all gone.
It's all lost. All lost.
VOICE (whispering):
Randy.
Randy.
Ah...?
MAN (over P.A.):
ICU, please. Blue Team, ICU.
(indistinct chatter)
"Un-cle Kyle."
"Uncle Kyle."
Say it, Hackelm.
-"Uncle Kyle."
-Fuck you, Kyle.
No, no, no.
"Uncle Kyle."
Fuck you, Kyle.
CARTMAN:
Oh, my gosh, no.
We're so sorry about this.
CARTMAN:
Hackelm, say "Uncle."
"Uncle. Uncle Kyle."
Fuck you, Uncle Kyle!
Hey, that was better.
It isn't gonna work.
The hospital says
we don't have authorization
to see Kenny's remains.
What?!
Sounds like someone
doesn't want us
to see Kenny's remains.
'Cause we might find the truth.
There has to be
a way for us to get in there.
-Ha ha. Fuck you, Uncle Kyle!
-Hackelm.
STAN: What the hell
are you guys doing here?
-Stan?
-What are you doing here?
I've been trying to
find out who killed Kenny.
I think I know where he
stored the information.
BOTH:
It's in his asshole.
-Yes.
-Well, it doesn't matter.
They won't let us
into the morgue.
Yeah, that's because
you guys don't think.
Excuse me?
We need to examine
the remains of Dr. McCormick
right away.
Like I told the others,
only certified medical personnel
are allowed to examine cadavers.
Stan Marsh, consultant
for Post-Modem Beveragetainment
Online Services.
One moment, Doctor.
This is highly unorthodox.
We don't normally allow
outsiders into the morgue.
That's understandable, Doctor,
but luckily I am orthodox.
I don't think this
is suitable for children.
You guys go.
You were the closest to him.
We'll stay back
and watch the kids.
I'm sorry we can't
supply any chin diapers.
Just maintain social distance.
Middle cabinet,
second from the bottom.
* *
Hello, old friend.
(rats squeaking)
Ah, come on!
Well, let's get him...
turned over.
Somebody's got to look.
I'm not reaching up Kenny's ass.
Well, somebody has to.
-Cartman, go ahead.
-No, I can't do it.
If anyone should reach up
Kenny's ass,
it should be you, Kyle.
I thought you were
his fucking "best friend."
I was his best friend,
but I am also married,
so I can't be fingering
people's buttholes.
God, you guys fucking suck.
I'll just do it.
Just like I always had to
fix fucking everything else!
(rats squeaking)
(squishing)
You did not
"fucking fix everything,"
you just started acting like
everyone else was stupid.
Oh, really? Because
they were acting stupid?
Yeah, because you got all
self-righteous about everything.
-I got self-righteous?
-Yeah, you got self-righteous.
Do you know what
fucking sanctimonious means?
No, Kyle, why don't you
fucking tell me
what fucking
sanctimonious means.
See, this is exactly
how you acted when
-the pandemic started to...
-Wait!
Hold on.
-(squishing)
-We've got it.
-Oh, my God.
-What?
It's got shit on it.
That's dead people shit.
(retches)
What are you working on, Clyde?
I'm going through
Kenny's journals again
to try to find some answers.
Seems like we just keep hitting
dead ends, you know?
I'm just tired
and I want to go home.
I know. I'm exhausted, too.
You want to maybe
do a little bump?
Huh?
I was just--
I've got some coke
and I thought we could...
I don't know,
do you want to party?
Fuck yes, I want to party.
-Really?
-Fuck yes.
Oh, I'm so glad you're down.
Nobody else is even cool enough
for me to ask.
It's pretty good shit, too.
(sniffing)
Oh, man. Thank God.
Thank God I brought this.
Here ya go.
Fuck yes.
Let's fucking party.
Wait a minute.
-What is this really?
-What do you mean?
This isn't cocaine, it's
the COVID vaccine, isn't it?!
I'm not putting
that shit in my body!
Forget it, guys, it didn't work.
(all groaning)
You guys were gonna trick me
into taking the vaccine?!
Goddamn it, Clyde,
we want to get out of here!
My body is a temple
and I'm not taking that shit!
Let's just face it, guys,
it's over.
We're never going to find
what Kenny was after.
Whoever controls the world
and killed our friend
is just gonna get away with it.
KYLE:
Not so fast!
We did it! We found Kenny's
hidden information!
-You did?
-And now we can finally
learn the truth!
Whoever Kenny was after,
we are gonna
take those fuckers down!
(beeps)
(static crackles)
The date is November 3rd.
It is 2:07 p.m.
Dr. Kenneth McCormick
will now be
attempting to travel back
in time.
In order to stop the COVID
pandemic from ever happening.
He did it?
Dr. McCormick believes
that going back
is the only way
to stop the people
who have ruined the future.
In the event of
Dr. McCormick's death,
he wants everyone
to know the group
that is responsible
for the way things are.
It is,
"My three dickhead friends,
Stan, Kyle and Cartman."
What?!
Dr. McCormick says
that these three
completely ruined everything
when they let COVID
break up their friendship
and became argumentative,
combative, pessimistic assholes.
(muffled muttering)
He says he hopes
you guys are watching this.
(muffled shouting)
He spent his whole life
trying to fix your broship
and then realized
this was the only way,
'cause you guys suck.
-(loud zapping)
-The sequence is active!
The historic moment is here!
Godspeed, Dr. McCormick!
(zapping continues)
Wait! Dr. McCormick,
you forgot your chin diaper!
(alarm blaring)
Something's wrong!
-(explosions)
-(electronic trilling)
(shouting)
(coughing)
All this time,
the bad guys we were after,
who Kenny said ruined
the future, was you guys?
Wendy, I've been trying
not to say anything but...
your friends are all
kind of douchebags.
* *
Kenny was right.
All this time,
we've been trying to figure out
whose fault this all was.
It was our fault.
I remember when we were kids.
We were so optimistic.
We lost that.
We lost our sense of fun.
Our sense of humor.
Maybe the pandemic
was a big test.
And we all failed.
Let's face it, guys.
We killed Kenny.
Yeah. Kenny was right.
Back in the old days,
we wouldn't give up like this.
We would have just set out
to save our friend,
no matter how impossible
it seemed.
What we would have done--
and what we
should have done then--
was double down on our respect
and our love for one another
and fight through it
instead of
fighting with each other.
We can save Kenny.
We just have to finish his work.
How? We don't know anything
about quantum physics
and time travel.
I don't know how.
But we start by believing.
In each other
and in what is yet to come.
We have to go back to being
those kids we once were.
Even if it means
calling Jesus or Santa.
Come on, guys,
we've got work to do!
Sounds good.
I'll be right back.
Moisha, Hackelm, kids,
get your things.
We need to go now.
What's going on, Dad?
Your Uncle Kyle wants to
go back and change things.
He's going to try
and change the past.
But I like things
the way they are.
Me too, Dad. Do you think
he'll be able to do it?
No, kids.
Fuck Uncle Kyle.
BOTH:
Yay!
-Yay, Daddy!
-Fuck Uncle Kyle!
It wasn't supposed
to be like this.
People were supposed to
get kinder in the future.
I'm so sorry
what happened to both of you.
It wasn't your fault, Randy.
It was all Stan's fault.
Yes, it was all Stan's fault.
Thanks for saying that,
you guys.
I'm sorry Stan
sucks so hard sometimes.
Don't give up, Randy.
Humanity needs you.
No!
I can't do it alone!
How can things possibly go
back to the way they were?
(wind gusting)
It can't be.
It's impossible.
It's the last little
sprout of Tegridy.
I have to get you
somewhere safe.
We have a lot of work to do.
* *
(footsteps echoing)
(people wailing)
(crazed laughter)
We just had another call asking
to speak with Victor Chouce.
You're quite a popular man,
Victor.
I wonder what
all the fuss is about.
Don't feel like talking, huh?
(chuckles)
You will.
* We are all, you and me *
* We are all living
in the future *
* We can't get stuff
'cause boats are late *
* And nobody's working
in the future *
* They don't sell tostadas
anymore at Taco Bell *
* Welcome to the future *
* In the future *
* We are living in the future *
* It's the future *
* We're living in the future. *
NARRATOR:
And now, a Paramount Plus
made-for-TV movie.
"It's not a movie--
it's a made-for-TV movie."
* *
NARRATOR:
From the green hills of Vermont
to the verdant canyons
of Arizona,
people all over the country
are beginning to realize
it's nearly over!
We have almost beaten COVID
and the best news of all:
Infections are
at an all-time low.
New, stronger vaccinations
have ebbed the tide.
And we humans
are cleaning up the mess
and finally
getting on with our lives.
But as we start to get back
to our jobs and schools,
one question remains:
What lingering effects will
the pandemic have on children?
Some say no effect at all.
The children are just fine.
-(chiming)
-We came together
and finally we can say,
we are starting to
-win the war against COVID.
-WOMAN: Stan?
Stan, the phone's for you!
Stan!
What?!
Could you not hear me?
Yeah, dude,
but I'm busy working.
Working on getting drunk again.
I'm not "getting drunk,"
I'm an online
whiskey consultant.
I'm doing research.
Everyone needs
to leave me alone.
The guy on the phone
said it's important.
He said his name
is Kyle Broflovski.
Kyle?
-Hello?
-KYLE: Oh, hi.
Is this Stan Marsh,
from South Park?
-Kyle?
-Oh, dude, it is you!
How have you--
How have you been?
I'm... fine. How are you?
I'm good, I'm...
I know this is weird.
We haven't talked since...
well, you know,
since it all happened.
Yeah, well, the pandemic
is about over now.
I'm moving on with my life.
Stan...
you should come back here.
There's a lot going on.
There's nothing in
South Park for me, Kyle!
I'm not going back there, ever.
Look, dude, you remember
when we were little?
When the pandemic...
first started.
Us friends said
we'd always be there
for each other
when things got bad.
What do you mean?
What's happened?
Stan...
It's Kenny. He's dead.
* *
* *
(audience cheering)
ANNOUNCER:
Live from the Moderna Center
in downtown New York,
it's Late Night With Jimmy!
Tonight's guest,
First Lady Tom Kardashian!
And now here he is,
the king of woke comedy, Jimmy!
(audience cheering)
Wow.
Wow, what a terrific audience.
What a fantastic audience, wow.
(cheering quiets)
Geez, what's the deal
with these Mexicans, huh?
(laughter)
I mean, they have fabulous food,
their country
has amazing beaches,
and they're
really fantastic people.
(cheering and applause)
Wow, what a great audience.
You know,
today I was on the subway
and I saw an ad
for the Center for People
Who Identify as Homosexual
But Were Born Bi.
-(laughter)
-Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this?
I'll tell you one thing--
those people are brave
and deserve
-every ounce of our respect.
-(cheering)
S-Stick around.
First Lady Tom Kardashian
is here.
We'll be right back!
(band playing in distance)
Jimmy, we got
a call from corporate.
They want you to cut
the hummus joke.
What?!
It's hard enough
doing comedy these days.
Now I'm getting notes
during commercial breaks?!
You're just gonna have to joke
about something else.
All right, fine, what else
is going on in the news? Quick!
Uh, Amazon thinks they might
have discovered gold on Mars.
Ah, Jesus. Anything else?
Uh, that famous
eccentric scientist died.
The millionaire philanthropist?
Dr. McCormick?
Kenny? Kenny's dead?
Oh, I'm sorry,
did you know him?
We were friends when we
were kids. Let me see that!
ANNOUNCER: "Very
mysterious circumstances."
That's what doctors
are saying about
the death of beloved scientist
and humanitarian,
Dr. Kenny McCormick.
McCormick was a pioneer of
science and technology
who was always trying to unlock
the key to a better future.
He worked tirelessly--
some say balls-out crazily--
on new inventions and theories
but somehow his biggest
questions seemed to elude him.
The head of NASA said,
"We have lost
"an innovator and a visionary.
"Kenny was so brilliant
that most of the time,
we couldn't even understand
what he was saying."
Get me a first-class ticket
to South Park!
What? You can't leave!
You have to get back onstage!
The first lady is here!
Tell Tom Kardashian to suck my
P-P-Popsicles
that are in the green room,
and that I am very sorry,
and that he is
a fantastic person.
* *
WOMAN:
Stan?
Stan, wake up,
I think we're here.
So that's it, huh?
-That's the town you grew up in?
-STAN: Yeah.
Well, how does it feel to
be back after all these years?
It feels shitty, okay?
Can you please shut the fuck up?
Why did you even bring me
along if you're not going
to let me help you
through this?!
Alexa, stop!
("Stir It Up"
by Patti LaBelle playing)
(beeps)
* *
* I can't sit here
while I go nowhere *
* Chase my dreams
through the polluted air *
* Walking on a wire *
* Running out of time *
* There's no room
in this ol' heart of mine *
* So much pressure
to keep holdin' on *
* Pack my clothes up, baby,
I'll be gone *
* Stir it up, I've got to
break it up now *
* When I think about tomorrow *
* I can't wait to *
* Stir it up *
* Got to shake it up now *
* If I have to beg or borrow *
* I don't wanna *
* Take it anymore *
* Got to break it up now *
* When I think about tomorrow *
* I can't wait to stir it up. *
MALE VOICE: Come on in
and let your taste buds soar!
Denny's is now
Denny's Applebee's Max.
Come taste the difference.
(woman speaking Japanese)
(soft electronic music playing)
(sighs)
-Hey, dude.
-Hey, dude.
Wow. This is crazy, huh?
I mean, how long has it been?
I guess...
since we were nine.
Well, have a seat.
What have you been up to?
Oh, dude,
just all kinds of stuff.
You know, getting stuff going.
Got my own online
whiskey consultant gig.
I'm totally happy.
What about you?
Oh, I'm getting things
going, too.
I'm doing a sort of counseling
online start-up thing.
Really doing great, too.
-Sweet.
-Listen, Stan...
I know that we disagreed
a lot during the pandemic,
but I hope we can
put that aside...
Dude, Kyle,
I'm just here for Kenny.
All right, well,
there's something you should
know about the way Kenny died.
Hi, guys, welcome to
Denny's Applebee's Max.
I see you
got your menus already.
As you're deciding
what to order,
I just want to go over
a couple things.
Now, of course, it is the future
so we don't have any meat
on the menu.
'Cause you know,
here in the future,
we've all decided meat is wrong.
Yeah, we know.
Okay, and, uh,
you'll see there's
some dishes made
from insect protein on the menu.
That, of course, is because
here in the future,
we've all learned that insects
are a valuable and sustainable
food and we no longer
fear it as a food. Mm-hmm.
We know, dude.
Okay, well, if you have any
questions, please don't hesitate
to say anything, because,
you know, it's the future.
We've learned to all just
get along and love each other.
Look, Stan,
Kenny was trying to find
the answers
to some pretty heavy stuff.
He felt like there
were people responsible
for everything that's happened.
Like who?
That's just it. Nobody knows.
But whoever these people are,
they didn't want
Kenny McCormick exposing them.
Wait a minute. Token?
Yeah, it's me.
Just before he died,
Kenny was texting me
that he was on
to something huge.
And he was texting me, too.
Saying he'd discovered
something that
could change the world.
And then he died,
and the hospital won't say how.
And that got us thinking...
Oh, my God.
They killed Kenny.
I'm just here for the funeral.
I don't want to be a part
of anything else.
Dude, there might be
people to blame
for ruining our childhoods.
So what do you wanna do, Kyle?
Go on some bullshit adventure
like when we were kids?
Maybe, maybe we can call
Jesus and Santa
and ask them for help.
Is that what you want?
It's the fucking future,
you guys. Grow up.
Hello, welcome to
the Super 12 Motel Plus.
-Can I help you?
-Yeah, Stan Marsh.
I have a room for one night.
Okay, I see you're in one of
our Mach Ten Super Plus rooms.
Now, of course,
we only take Bitcoin
and other cryptocurrency 'cause,
you know, it's the future.
We've all decided
centralized banking is rigged,
so we trust more in
fly-by-night Ponzi schemes.
Yeah, I know.
So you walked out on
all your friends and then
just hung out at a bar all day?
Alexa, fucking just go
throw yourself out a window.
I'm sorry.
I didn't quite get that.
Nothing.
Alexa, turn on the TV.
Oh, God, you are
such a piece of shit.
-(TV chimes)
-You know,
if you had
Remote Prime membership,
you could watch Amazon movies
wherever you go.
Would you like to get started?
-No.
-I'm sorry.
I'm trying
to be fucking helpful.
Why don't you grow up
and start acting like an adult
for once in your life...
Alexa, stop!
Fuck you!
(news theme volume increases)
Jon, I'm standing outside
the South Park Flash Rail Max,
where hundreds of people
are coming to
pay their respects
to Dr. Kenny McCormick.
There's still no word
from the hospital
on what exactly
killed Kenny McCormick,
but letters sent to multiple
news outlets reveal
that he might have
known his life was in danger.
Dr. McCormick said,
"I am about to expose the truth.
"In the event of my death
I have hidden away
"all relevant information.
My closest friends
will know where to find it."
Dr. Kenneth McCormick.
He wanted to make the future
a better place.
Too bad he died, 'cause
the future certainly sucks.
* *
(doorbell rings)
* Someone's at the door *
* This is the doorbell *
* It's the future
so doorbells sing. *
Yeah, I know.
Okay, so you were right.
Kenny was on to some bad people
and he hid something
for us to find.
Yeah, I saw.
Only problem is
I don't know
what he's talking about.
But thank you
for saying I was right.
You're welcome. It doesn't mean
that you were right
about everything
during the pandemic.
Because you weren't.
Okay, well, obviously
we're never going to agree
on certain things,
so we shouldn't talk about them.
Sounds good.
So let's go to Kenny's wake
and see if anyone else shows up
who might know what
Kenny's talking about.
Let's do that.
(busy chatter)
Hello. Testing.
Hey, everybody.
It's amazing to see you all
here for Kenny's wake.
Wow, what a great audience.
Uh, for those of you
who don't know,
my name is Jimmy Valmer and, uh,
I had to take an Asian airline
to get here today.
You know what they say
about Asian airlines--
they're dependable
and just as efficient
as any other competent airline.
(whooping and cheering)
What a terrific audience.
So many people
have come for Kenny today--
so many amazing friends
I haven't seen in ages.
You know, I had a friend once
who was a Polish hair stylist.
Talk about an amazing haircut
at an affordable price.
(whooping and cheering)
Well, I know that
we're all ready
to talk to each other
and share our memories of Kenny.
So please just have fun
and we'll see you
-at the funeral tomorrow.
-(applause)
(electronic drumbeat playing)
* We are all, you and me *
* We are all living
in the future *
* We are all in the future... *
-(groans)
-Stan?
-Stan Marsh?
-Yeah?
Hi. It's Wendy.
Wendy Testaburger, wow.
Yeah. My husband, Darwin.
Hey, pal, how are ya?
Hey, guys.
It's Tweek and Craig.
Oh, hey.
How are you guys?
We're good.
(straining):
I have a lot of anxiety
being back
with all these people!
Wendy's told me a lot
about you, Stan.
How's everything
with the family?
Excuse me, I'm gonna go
get, uh, drunk.
-What's wrong with Stan?
-We're just...
trying to find out
what happened to Kenny.
I think this goes deeper
than you guys realize.
Hey, Stan Marsh!
Good to see you.
It's me, Clyde Donovan.
Oh, hey, Clyde.
What have you been doing
during the pandemic?
Oh, you know, lots of stuff.
Yeah, me, too.
Sucks about Kenny, huh?
Hope they find
all the information
-on that thing he hid.
-You know
where he might have hid it?
No, I don't.
But I bet someone here does.
It's really great
to see you guys again.
These past few decades
have been really tough.
Yeah, sometimes I think
the pandemic really aged me.
Kyle, can I talk to you
for a second?
-Dude, he's here.
-Who's here?
-Cartman?
-Yeah, but he's changed.
Changed how?
Yes, I know,
it's been a long time
since we've seen each other.
I'm doing really well.
I'm actually the head
of Gespetzah Synagogue
down in Colorado Springs.
Can you believe it?
I'm a rabbi.
Yeah, you know, when
the whole pandemic happened,
I think it changed me.
It really changed me
for the better.
-It did?
-No.
-He's fucking with me.
-What? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I get it,
the Eric Cartman you guys knew
didn't seem like
he'd become a rabbi.
But I found real meaning
in the Torah
and then I found a great
Jewish woman and...
let the spirit of the Talmud
guide our lives.
Okay, jut knock it off, fat-ass.
Dude.
Wow, that's very big
of you, Kyle.
Still living in South Park
and calling people fat-ass, huh?
Wait, I'm sorry,
that was uncalled for.
It's not fucking funny, Cartman!
Stop pretending you
have a happy Jewish life!
Hey, shoogina!
I'm sorry, I couldn't
wait in the car anymore;
I had to meet your friends.
Oh, that's okay.
Guys, this is my wife, Yentl.
I've heard so many stories
about you all.
It must have been amazing
to grow up
in these beautiful mountains!
Yentl? Her name is Yentl?
Can we fucking stop this
and talk about Kenny, please?!
-Oh, is that, uh...?
-Yeah, that's-that's Kyle, yeah.
I'm sorry, honey, can you
just give me a couple minutes?
I just need a few more
seconds with them
and I'll be right out
to the car.
Oh, okay, I get it.
Nice to meet you guys.
We'll see you at the funeral,
I guess.
And I'm very sorry
for your loss.
Bye, Mrs. Cartman.
Okay, look, guys, Kenny and I
were still really good friends.
He used to email me all the time
about stuff he was doing.
Yeah, me, too!
Well, so then maybe he also
told you that
he was trying to find
the origin of the coronavirus.
What are you talking about?
Kenny was obsessed with
how corona first got started.
He was clearly on to something,
and then he died.
I know we all want
to solve this for him.
You know, in the Torah,
when Abraham
first heard the word of God...
Just knock it off!
You don't believe
a word of that shit.
You're just doing all this
to get a rise out of me.
Kyle, you really think
I would spend 40 years
of my life
just to get a rise out of you?
-Yes, I do!
-Same ol' Kyle.
Well, I got to go, guys.
I'll see you at Kenny's funeral
tomorrow.
Maybe he's really changed.
No. He is fucking with me.
INTERVIEWER (on TV):
Sometimes I feel like
things weren't supposed
to be like this.
Like maybe there are others
in control of the way
it all turned out.
Is that what you're saying,
Dr. McCormick?
Are you saying that there are
other people responsible?
I guess what I'm trying to say,
Dr. McCormick, is...
your theories seem to point to
some kind of people with power.
Let me put it another way--
we've all seen the pictures
of you working in Egypt,
lecturing at MIT.
And you always seem to
come back to this concept
of this mysterious
organization who is to blame.
-Let me put it yet
another way, Dr. McCormick.
-Hang on a second.
What was that?
Alexa, freeze the video.
-What?
-Freeze video
and reverse playback
ten seconds.
Stop there.
Enhance image 20%.
Ugh. Whatever.
(beeps, whirs)
Shift right ten frames.
(beeps, whirs)
Enhance.
(beeps, whirs)
ALEXA:
Tegridy Weed?
Isn't that your dad's
old marijuana company?
Oh, shit.
* *
Hi. Welcome.
Welcome, my friends.
So blessed to have you here.
Hello, my child,
thank you for coming.
-Yeah, sure.
-Wait, Stan?
Stan Marsh?
Praise be!
I haven't seen you in ages!
I'm sorry, do I know you?
Well, sure, it's me!
Scott Malkinson!
Remember me?
-Uh, no, sorry.
-I hung out with you guys
all the time
when we were little.
I was the kid with the lisp.
-Who had diabetes?
-Oh, yeah, sure...
Great to see you again.
Hey, guys.
Great to see you in church.
-It's Scott Malkinson.
-Who?
Scott Malkinson, I went
to school with you guys?
Oh, okay.
Hello. Welcome. Hey!
It's me! Scott Malkinson!
With the diabetes. No?
Kenny McCormick was
a cherished son, a wise man,
and a wonderful friend.
Kenny touched all
of our lives and made
each and every one of us
laugh, cry and ponder.
And in his death,
now we can reflect on
our own lives.
Are we happy?
Are we the person
we hoped to be?
Have we, like Kenny,
given all that we can
to forgive those around us?
For life is short,
and our family and friends
must be cherished.
You know, in many ways,
death is like diabetes.
You spend your whole life
trying to fight it off
but ultimately it just wins.
And so let's take the time now
to reach out to our friends.
To reach out to our family.
To tell our mothers
and our fathers that we...
All right! All right! Who
the fuck put you up to this?
Did you write
this goddamn speech, Kyle?
Did you tell him
to say all this stuff?
What the fuck
are you talking about?
You know that I know something
about Kenny
that I'm not telling you because
it involves my father,
who I don't want to face!
That's crazy and you'd be able
to face what happened
to your family if you
weren't a fucking asshole!
Guys, please,
this is a house of God.
You shut the fuck up!
You judge me,
you all sit here and judge me.
Well, fuck all of you!
This is exactly why I moved out
of this hick-ass town!
And I am going back home
to the city!
My child, please,
we are gathered in Christ...
(mockingly): My child, please,
we are gathered in Christ.
I'm Scott Malkinson.
I have diabetes.
He does remember me!
Alexa, start the car!
Start the car?
Where are you going?
I need to stop at a store
and then we're going home.
What about the connection
you just found
between Kenny and your father?
Alexa, find the nearest
liquor store.
Oh, you wanna get drunk?
Let me guess-- someone said
something you didn't like
and it made you want to
pound beer and wine?
It's not
"pounding beer and wine."
I drop wine shots into the beer.
It's called a "smorgasvein"
and it's very cultural!
Stop acting like a child and
support your dead friend, Stan!
-You don't even have any...
-Alexa, stop!
(car beeps)
(tires screeching)
Thank you.
Thank you, Father.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Rabbi Cartman
and I was Kenny McCormick's
very, very best friend.
Kenny was not a Jew,
but he had so many
amazing Jewish qualities.
Qualities that I see
in my loving wife
and my amazing kids,
that are right over there.
Over there by Kyle.
And as we all return now
to our homes
and our lives, I think that--
a lot like Abraham--
-let's not forget that...
-Excuse me. Everyone?
Hello?
Everyone, can I have
your attention, please?
We got results from the PNR scan
of Dr. McCormick's remains
and we now know
the cause of his death.
-(murmuring)
-Now we all need to stay calm.
There is no reason
to panic, but...
Kenny died of COVID.
It's a new variant.
The COVID Delta Plus
Rewards Program variant.
(all screaming)
Everyone, please!
We cannot panic!
(all screaming and clamoring)
(whooshing)
(all screaming)
That's it! We're all out
of chin diapers!
Oh, God, we're all out
of chin diapers!
(frantic groaning)
Zoom...
(muttering)
Come on, come on, come on!
Remote learning!
Come on, come on, come on!
(horns honking)
Alexa, what's going on?
ALEXA: There's some kind
of road closure ahead.
Set up a perimeter!
I want all exit points sealed.
People of South Park,
there is an outbreak of COVID
in your community.
You are being quarantined.
Hey, dude! I don't live here.
I need to get home!
Nobody is going in or out.
We have confirmation that
one person in this community
has never been vaccinated
against COVID,
so we must quarantine everyone.
One person?!
Well, who is it?!
We are not allowed to say.
But if you tell us who
the unvaccinated person is,
we can have them vaccinated
and then this will all be over!
We can't tell you who it is
because, in case you forgot,
it's the future, and we don't
single out or ridicule anyone
for their personal beliefs.
Gah! I hate the future!
What does this mean?
Yeah, what's it mean, Daddy?
I think it means...
we're all stuck in South Park.
(busy chatter)
-(groans)
-Okay, there we go.
We'll get back
with the results.
Maintain six feet
social distance
and stay indoors.
Thank you.
Next, please!
Yeah, listen, I have to
get out of here.
Yes, don't we all.
No, no, no,
I don't belong here
and I don't have
anywhere to stay.
They've shut down
all the motels.
Do you have any friends or
family that you can stay with?
No, these people
are not my friends
and I have no family here.
-Oka-- (groans)
-It's okay.
They've set up
an emergency shelter
for all the people who were here
from out of town.
Where?
(indistinct chatter)
PC PRINCIPAL: All right,
everyone, listen up.
No way.
Welcome to
South Park Elementary.
We want to help you all
be as comfortable as possible.
So we will have quiet time
from 9:00 p.m.
to 6:00 a.m. every day.
I don't want to hear
any fucking gender-specific
language in here.
And if anybody here
casts a movie with someone
other than the culture
that that movie is about,
you are fucking out of here!
All right, thank you.
It is now 9:01. Lights out.
* *
It's been a long time
since I've prayed.
I don't know
if anyone can hear me...
but we all really
need help right now.
I know in my heart
that Kenny didn't just die
of some new COVID variant.
I know there's something
way bigger going on.
But it all seems like
so much to take on.
Please, if there's
anyone who could
help see me through this,
it would be a miracle.
(water splashes)
* *
(doorbell rings)
* Someone's at the door *
-(groans)
-* This is the doorbell *
* Apparently in the future *
* All doorbells
sing, sing, sing. *
Yeah, I fucking know,
goddamn it!
Hey, Kyle.
Oh, man, this is crazy, huh?
The school is all filled up
and the motels are shut down.
I was, I was just hoping
maybe we could crash here.
Look, I, uh,
I don't think that's gonna work.
I figured Stan is probably
staying with you, too?
No. No, he's not.
Oh, great!
Then you have some extra rooms.
-We're gonna be okay, kids!
-KIDS: Yay!
No, no, Cartman,
I'm sure there are
some other places you can stay.
My family would be
really comfortable
in a nice Jewish home.
Please, Kyle, for my kids.
We promise we'll be good,
Uncle Kyle.
Please, Uncle Kyle?
Please,
Uncle Kyle?
I can't believe this.
Come on, kids!
Oh, bless you, Kyle.
Don't worry,
I'll put them right to bed.
You won't even know we're here.
Toda raba, Uncle Kyle.
That's Hebrew for "thank you."
(quiet chatter)
Guys, doesn't this all
seem a little too convenient?
What do you mean?
I mean that Kenny's death
is suspicious,
he talks about people
to blame and then
he suddenly dies of
some new COVID variant?
You think it's a cover, Token?
I think it's
definitely suspicious.
Speaking of suspicious,
what do you call a trans woman
that walks into
an abortion clinic?
Her name is Rebecca
and she's a fantastic person.
Just seems all nice
and buttoned up, doesn't it?
It's a perfect cause of death
and anyone who's trying
to sort it out is quarantined
because one person
isn't vaccinated?
It's true-- who wouldn't be
vaccinated by now?
I'm certainly vaccinated.
-Yeah, I'm vaccinated.
-Me, too.
We're all vaccinated.
Yeah, I mean, I-I think
it's a personal choice.
What does that mean?
Are you vaccinated, Clyde?
I'm... immunized.
He's not fucking vaccinated!
He's the fucking one!
Hey, I just, I just
need to see the research
first, you know.
It's been 40 years, Clyde.
That's enough research!
Alexa, set an alarm
for 7:00 a.m.
Alexa,
set an alarm for 7:00 a.m.
Why don't you go talk
to your father?
Goddamn it.
If there's some kind
of connection
with your dad's farm that can
help everyone figure out
what's going on,
then you need to talk to him.
Can I just go to sleep, please?
Oh, poor you!
Poor you!
Stop being a fucking victim.
At least you get to go out
and do stuff.
What do I get to do?
-Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
-Oh, okay, great.
You're sorry, again.
By the way, I can tell you
about some great deals
on headphones at Best Buy.
Would you like to know more?
-Sure, yes, tell me more.
-Okay.
The Mark VII headphones
have a new edition coming out.
Should I add that
to your shopping list?
(sighs) Yes, sure,
add them to my shopping list.
Okay.
I'll add Mark VII headphones
from Best Buy
to your shopping list.
-(Yentl moaning)
-CARTMAN: Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you like that?
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah, you like how Abraham
trusted in the one true God?!
-(moaning continues)
-Yeah! Oh, oh, yeah! Yeah!
Goddamn it!
(moaning)
CARTMAN:
Oh. Shh, shh. Hang on, honey.
Hang on.
Yeah, yeah,
what's up, buddy?
What's up
is that I am over this!
What are, what are
you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about!
You know I can hear you
through the walls!
Okay, geez, I'm sorry.
Sorry I was making love
to my wife.
No Jewish people have sex
screaming about
their love of Abraham!
You are a fucking fraud!
Is everything all right?
Do you know that
your husband once snuck
in my room
and gave me fucking AIDS?!
-I'm sorry?!
-Oh, my God, Kyle!
If we are being too loud, please
don't lash out at my wife!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
I don't know what to say.
Mom, Dad, is everything okay?
It's all right, kids.
Go back to bed.
Kyle, obviously you have
a problem with us being here.
I promise you that we will be
gone first thing in the morning.
That's probably best!
(rhythmic rattling)
-YENTL: Oh, yeah.
-CARTMAN: Oh, yeah!
-YENTL: Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah, you like how Abraham
-almost sacrificed
his only son?!
-Oh, yeah!
-(moans)
-CARTMAN: Yeah!
Sir! Sir,
the townspeople are demanding
to know when
the quarantine will end.
It'll end when we get the order
that everything is safe.
But, sir, the people inside
are running out of supplies.
They're saying they don't
have nearly enough
chin diapers and
people are starting to fight.
I have strict orders not to let
anything in or out of this town.
They'll just have to make do
the best they can in there.
Hopefully they can
maintain some sense of humanity.
SOLDIER:
We got a runner!
Another one trying to get out!
Please!
I just need to go to
a sporting event!
(gunshot)
(school bell rings)
(busy chatter)
(yawns)
(smacking lips)
(toilet flushes)
Hey, Clyde. Clyde, can we
talk to you for a second?
Sure, what's up?
Look, Clyde,
we all really respect
your personal p-p-preferences.
But we have things we
really need to get back to.
We've got jobs a-and careers,
people who need us.
B-But we're being forced
to stay here.
So could you maybe just--
just get vaccinated real quick?
Oh. Um...
Nah. I don't wanna.
(all groaning)
Look, I'm sorry, guys.
It's for health reasons.
I can't get vaccinated 'cause
I'm allergic to shellfish.
Clyde, there's no shellfish
in the COVID vaccine.
I know,
but I read that sometimes
in the lab where the vaccine
is made,
if somebody ate shellfish,
then it can
get cross-contaminated
and have leftover
residual shellfish-ness.
So you're saying you
won't take the COVID vaccine
out of shellfish-ness.
Yes, that is correct.
Just a general sense
of shellfish-ness.
Everyone, you better
come check this out.
Look at this.
CRAIG:
The McCormick Science Wing
at South Park Elementary.
Yeah, so? I read about this.
Kenny donated tons of money
to build a science center
for the students.
Yeah, for the students.
So why does it
have a lock on it?
* *
(banging)
(chain rattles)
WENDY: This must be where Kenny
was doing all his research.
He didn't want to be found,
so he used the school as cover.
Uh, guys, why is there
blood everywhere?
Everybody see what you can find.
There's got to be a clue here
of who killed Kenny.
(electronic drumbeat playing)
* In the future *
* We are living in the future *
* It's the future. *
(music stops)
MALE VOICE: And we are the
fastest growing retirement home
in Park County.
With our newest tower,
we can now house over
600,000 old people.
'Cause in the future you're old
for a long, long time.
(indistinct chatter, grumbling)
(pained groaning)
Can I help you?
My name is Stan Marsh.
I came to...
visit my dad.
(knocking)
Mr. Marsh.
Mr. Marsh, guess what.
Your son is here.
I don't have a son.
Oh, come on, Mr. Marsh,
don't be a grumpy pants.
You tell that piece of shit
that if he wants to
talk to me,
he can write an email.
Tell that little pussy
if I had any grandkids,
maybe I wouldn't be so bitter
at having such a little bitch
for a son!
-Hi, Dad.
-Oh, hey, Stan.
I'll leave you two alone.
So, looks like
the Broncos still suck.
Yup.
Well, it was nice seeing ya.
Thanks for coming to visit.
I didn't come to visit.
Trust me,
I don't want to be here.
Right, like you didn't
want to murder your sister.
What happened to Shelley
was your fault, not mine!
Yeah, like it was my fault
your mom shot herself!
Yes, it actually was!
Your mom died the day
her daughter burned to death!
I'm just here because of Kenny.
Why would he have
Tegridy Weed in his equations?
Dr. McCormick mentioned Tegridy?
It seemed to somehow fit
into some grand theory he had.
He knew. He knew
it was the way to fix it all.
He knew...
about the Pandemic Special.
But, Mom,
why do we have to leave?
It's not safe outside!
We aren't welcome here,
children.
We have to find another
place to stay.
Oh, no, this is just like
when our people were
exiled from the Holy Lands.
Mrs. Cartman,
can I talk to you, please?
-Uncle Kyle!
-Uncle Kyle,
why are you making us go? Why?
Is it 'cause we're Jews?
Mrs. Cartman,
I'm sorry for last night.
I was just... tired and it was
extremely inappropriate of me.
BOTH:
Dad!
I think Uncle Kyle
is gonna let us stay, Papa!
Uh, no, kids, I'm sorry, but we
can't stay here with Uncle Kyle.
Please stay.
I am asking you to stay.
Can we, Dad?
We'll be good, we promise!
You little ones are always good.
* Mik-helm, Mik-helm,
mit cloiska pudding *
* Vil plotz vit laughter, too *
Stop it!
(doorbell rings)
* Someone is at the door! *
-* Yeah! This is the doorbell! *
-(yells)
* It is the future! *
They killed Kenny...
because he was
trying to stop it.
Stop what?
We found Kenny's lab.
All of his confidential work
and his wild experiments.
Kenny wasn't just trying to find
the source of the coronavirus.
He was trying
to go back in time,
and stop the pandemic
from ever happening.
* *
(woman speaking Japanese)
Okay, old people.
It's 4:00.
You know what that means.
It's share time!
(all grumbling)
Who has something that they
want to share?
Mr. Garrison?
I'd like to share
my dick in your mouth.
-(laughter)
-M'kay.
Okay, guys, let's settle down.
Look, I know sharing feelings is
hard during this time of crisis.
Is anyone feeling nervous
about the new COVID outbreak?
(grumbling)
We don't want you to worry,
because, you know,
it's the future--
we all do everything we can
to make sure
old people don't die.
(all groaning)
Okay, if nobody else
wants to go first,
Randy Marsh had
a little visitor today
and he'd like to share that
with all of you.
Uh, hey, everyone. I had
a special visitor today.
My "son."
Who hasn't come to see me
in over 20 years.
And I have some things
I need to tell him
but it's hard because...
he killed his mom
and his sister.
Okay, okay,
here's what happened.
Oh, here we go, here we go.
After the pandemic,
my mom wanted a divorce
and she owned half of the farm.
She didn't own half,
she always hated weed,
and she didn't do shit
for the farm.
He wouldn't give her half
the farm, so I got sick
of their fighting
and decided to burn
the whole stupid farm
to the ground.
And his sister was in the barn
and she burned to death.
Because you locked her
in the barn 'cause she wouldn't
do her weed chores
'cause she hated weed, too!
Yes, she had
a marijuana problem.
And so his mother
couldn't take the loss
of Shelley
and so she killed herself!
Which is your fault.
You were the one who
burned the family business
to the ground.
You guys are hearing this,
right?
So, Kenny spends years
researching time travel,
then suddenly Kenny dies,
and all his fellow
scientists go missing.
Just leaving behind
a trail of blood.
Seems like all of
the scientists were murdered
so that nobody could
complete Kenny's work.
All of them except one.
In almost all this research,
one name keeps popping up:
Victor Chouce.
It appears that Chouce
was Kenny's right-hand man.
But he was insane.
He's been locked up for years
inside a mental institution.
Oh, come on.
Now we're gonna start talking
to certifiably crazy people?
Crazy or not,
we find this Victor Chouce
and we find where
Kenny hid the information.
* *
(crazed chatter and wailing)
WARDEN (echoes):
Yes.
Yes, that is correct.
Victor Chouce is
one of our patients here.
What is the nature
of your inquiry?
We have reason to believe
that Victor Chouce
can answer questions
regarding our friend's death.
Could you put him
on the line please?
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Victor is too unstable for
phone calls. They confuse him.
Well, can we come
talk to him in person then?
Yes, I believe
that could be arranged.
As long as
the proper protocols are met.
Is everyone
in your party vaccinated?
No.
Well, then
I'm afraid we can't allow you
into our facility.
But-but we have to talk to him!
It's urgent!
What'd they say?
They're not
gonna let us see him!
It's some kind of
goddamn conspiracy!
(woman speaking Japanese)
Listen to me, it's very simple.
I need to take my dad
out of here.
He has to come with me.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Senior citizens are
in here to keep them safe.
You know, it's the future--
we can't let old people die.
-I told you, stupid.
-Shut up, Dad.
Look, there's a chance we
can help fight this new variant.
I just need him out for
a couple hours
so we can
get something important.
Well, why don't you
just go get it?
Because he won't tell me
where it is because
-he doesn't trust me.
-Because he killed his mom.
Look, I'm sorry,
but this is the future.
Nothing is more important than
keeping old people alive.
What if you took him out there
and, God forbid,
he crapped his pants?
And then slipped on
the old people diarrhea
and hit his head?
We'd have to shut down
the entire country,
for Christ's sake.
Well, I guess that's it.
Only one way out now.
Kick him in the balls, Stan!
-What?!
-Kick him in the balls!
-Come on, hurry!
-Get your hands off of me!
-Dad!
-Goddamn it, Stan,
kick his fucking balls
so we can go!
-Fuck!
-(groans)
Okay, grab his keys!
Grab his keys, you stupid ass!
(coughing and groaning)
(alert beeping)
FEMALE VOICE: Warning. Warning.
Old person has escaped.
Old person has escaped.
Warning.
(woman speaking Japanese)
(alarm blaring)
(sirens wailing)
All of these documents
we found in Kenny's lab
referred to possible origins
of the coronavirus.
He wanted to go back
and stop it.
But to stop it, he had to
figure out how to bend time.
Exactly. There's notes--
years and years of research
that Kenny compiled--
all on the possibilities
of time travel.
CARTMAN (giggling):
You silly girl.
You, yes.
Who's a little mister, yes.
Who's a little hetzpah?
Who's my little meshugana?
Excuse me!
Geez, sorry, Kyle.
Kenny was researching
the nature of space-time
to see if some kind
of bending was possible.
But then suddenly, all
the research just gets cut off.
Because whoever
made the pandemic happen
killed Kenny before
he could go back and stop it.
CARTMAN (giggling):
Silly girl. Yes.
Will you please knock it off?!
What's the problem, Kyle?
You know what you're doing,
fat-ass!
Goddamn it, why don't you lay
off my fuckin' dad, Uncle Kyle!
Moisha! He's never
talked like that before.
I'm sorry, Mom. It's just...
Uncle Kyle,
he makes me so crazy!
That is not okay, Moisha.
But it's true, Dad.
Uncle Kyle makes me crazy, too!
-(scoffs) Menorah!
-Fuck you, Kyle.
(gasps) Hackelm!
You guys, listen.
In Kenny's work
he talks about where he would
hide important information.
He says his friends
will always know where to look
if they just
think like kids again.
Think like kids again...
I know where Kenny hid
what we're looking for.
It's up his ass.
Who's the broad?
That's just my Alexa.
That's the best
you could do, huh?
Is it even the new one?
-Excuse me?
-Just ignore him.
Okay, fine, there's a new
upgrade available
for your Amazon Prime
membership.
Would you like to know more?
Not now, please.
Okay, so I guess
just fuck me, then?
Uh-huh.
(car beeps)
* *
This was once
such a magical place.
Can we just get this over with?
I don't want to be here.
You think I want to be here?
This is where I lost
everything that I cared about!
And your mom and your sister!
Dad, there's nothing here.
Dad?
I think I can
trust you now, Stan.
It's time for you to learn what
your friend Kenny was after.
When the pandemic started,
you were only a kid.
You don't remember the pain
we all went through.
Yeah, I do.
We as Americans
went through so much.
First, that incompetent
jack-hole was elected president.
Then the pandemic came,
and then the race wars.
And then just when it seemed
like we'd turned a corner,
Space Jam 2 came out,
and we all just kind of gave up.
What we lost,
Stan, was our Tegridy.
But it was all by design.
They needed us to lose it.
Who did?
Who would want us
to lose our optimism
and start fighting
with each other?
China.
-China?
-China.
They're the superpower now.
The future is totally theirs
and we let it happen.
A man in China
had sex with a pangolin
and that started COVID.
That man was me.
So I knew how to go back
and stop them
from taking over...
Wait, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait.
You started COVID?
Yes, but that's
besides the point.
China used me
like they used us all.
So I came up with a way
to help everyone fight back.
A special Tegridy weed.
You had sex with a pangolin
in China and started
the whole pandemic?!
Will you listen
to what I'm saying?!
Gal!
I worked to create more Tegridy,
but China did everything
they could to stop me.
They even got to my son.
Who burned all of
Tegridy Farms to the ground.
But what you didn't even know
was that I had secretly
created a new strain of weed.
A weed so powerful, I couldn't
even call it a special.
It was more like an event.
I hid it away all these years.
And now it... is the key
to saving us all.
(whirring)
-Where the fuck is it?
-What?
The Tegridy Weed Special Event!
Where the fuck is it?!
I don't know, Dad!
They got it. They took it!
There's even fresh
footprints on the ground!
Oh, Jesus!
So maybe it wasn't the Chinese.
Yeah, no, it was definitely
the Chinese. Oh, God.
That was it! That was
the very last bit of Tegridy!
The only other thing I had
were some seeds that I hid
up my ass, but they took them
from me at the old folks home!
Wait a minute.
What did you say?
I said they took them from me
at the old folks home.
No, before that.
Oh. I said I hid 'em
up my ass.
Jesus. It's so simple.
How did we not get it?
Alexa, start the car!
There's no point now, son!
It's all gone.
It's all lost. All lost.
VOICE (whispering):
Randy.
Randy.
Ah...?
MAN (over P.A.):
ICU, please. Blue Team, ICU.
(indistinct chatter)
"Un-cle Kyle."
"Uncle Kyle."
Say it, Hackelm.
-"Uncle Kyle."
-Fuck you, Kyle.
No, no, no.
"Uncle Kyle."
Fuck you, Kyle.
CARTMAN:
Oh, my gosh, no.
We're so sorry about this.
CARTMAN:
Hackelm, say "Uncle."
"Uncle. Uncle Kyle."
Fuck you, Uncle Kyle!
Hey, that was better.
It isn't gonna work.
The hospital says
we don't have authorization
to see Kenny's remains.
What?!
Sounds like someone
doesn't want us
to see Kenny's remains.
'Cause we might find the truth.
There has to be
a way for us to get in there.
-Ha ha. Fuck you, Uncle Kyle!
-Hackelm.
STAN: What the hell
are you guys doing here?
-Stan?
-What are you doing here?
I've been trying to
find out who killed Kenny.
I think I know where he
stored the information.
BOTH:
It's in his asshole.
-Yes.
-Well, it doesn't matter.
They won't let us
into the morgue.
Yeah, that's because
you guys don't think.
Excuse me?
We need to examine
the remains of Dr. McCormick
right away.
Like I told the others,
only certified medical personnel
are allowed to examine cadavers.
Stan Marsh, consultant
for Post-Modem Beveragetainment
Online Services.
One moment, Doctor.
This is highly unorthodox.
We don't normally allow
outsiders into the morgue.
That's understandable, Doctor,
but luckily I am orthodox.
I don't think this
is suitable for children.
You guys go.
You were the closest to him.
We'll stay back
and watch the kids.
I'm sorry we can't
supply any chin diapers.
Just maintain social distance.
Middle cabinet,
second from the bottom.
* *
Hello, old friend.
(rats squeaking)
Ah, come on!
Well, let's get him...
turned over.
Somebody's got to look.
I'm not reaching up Kenny's ass.
Well, somebody has to.
-Cartman, go ahead.
-No, I can't do it.
If anyone should reach up
Kenny's ass,
it should be you, Kyle.
I thought you were
his fucking "best friend."
I was his best friend,
but I am also married,
so I can't be fingering
people's buttholes.
God, you guys fucking suck.
I'll just do it.
Just like I always had to
fix fucking everything else!
(rats squeaking)
(squishing)
You did not
"fucking fix everything,"
you just started acting like
everyone else was stupid.
Oh, really? Because
they were acting stupid?
Yeah, because you got all
self-righteous about everything.
-I got self-righteous?
-Yeah, you got self-righteous.
Do you know what
fucking sanctimonious means?
No, Kyle, why don't you
fucking tell me
what fucking
sanctimonious means.
See, this is exactly
how you acted when
-the pandemic started to...
-Wait!
Hold on.
-(squishing)
-We've got it.
-Oh, my God.
-What?
It's got shit on it.
That's dead people shit.
(retches)
What are you working on, Clyde?
I'm going through
Kenny's journals again
to try to find some answers.
Seems like we just keep hitting
dead ends, you know?
I'm just tired
and I want to go home.
I know. I'm exhausted, too.
You want to maybe
do a little bump?
Huh?
I was just--
I've got some coke
and I thought we could...
I don't know,
do you want to party?
Fuck yes, I want to party.
-Really?
-Fuck yes.
Oh, I'm so glad you're down.
Nobody else is even cool enough
for me to ask.
It's pretty good shit, too.
(sniffing)
Oh, man. Thank God.
Thank God I brought this.
Here ya go.
Fuck yes.
Let's fucking party.
Wait a minute.
-What is this really?
-What do you mean?
This isn't cocaine, it's
the COVID vaccine, isn't it?!
I'm not putting
that shit in my body!
Forget it, guys, it didn't work.
(all groaning)
You guys were gonna trick me
into taking the vaccine?!
Goddamn it, Clyde,
we want to get out of here!
My body is a temple
and I'm not taking that shit!
Let's just face it, guys,
it's over.
We're never going to find
what Kenny was after.
Whoever controls the world
and killed our friend
is just gonna get away with it.
KYLE:
Not so fast!
We did it! We found Kenny's
hidden information!
-You did?
-And now we can finally
learn the truth!
Whoever Kenny was after,
we are gonna
take those fuckers down!
(beeps)
(static crackles)
The date is November 3rd.
It is 2:07 p.m.
Dr. Kenneth McCormick
will now be
attempting to travel back
in time.
In order to stop the COVID
pandemic from ever happening.
He did it?
Dr. McCormick believes
that going back
is the only way
to stop the people
who have ruined the future.
In the event of
Dr. McCormick's death,
he wants everyone
to know the group
that is responsible
for the way things are.
It is,
"My three dickhead friends,
Stan, Kyle and Cartman."
What?!
Dr. McCormick says
that these three
completely ruined everything
when they let COVID
break up their friendship
and became argumentative,
combative, pessimistic assholes.
(muffled muttering)
He says he hopes
you guys are watching this.
(muffled shouting)
He spent his whole life
trying to fix your broship
and then realized
this was the only way,
'cause you guys suck.
-(loud zapping)
-The sequence is active!
The historic moment is here!
Godspeed, Dr. McCormick!
(zapping continues)
Wait! Dr. McCormick,
you forgot your chin diaper!
(alarm blaring)
Something's wrong!
-(explosions)
-(electronic trilling)
(shouting)
(coughing)
All this time,
the bad guys we were after,
who Kenny said ruined
the future, was you guys?
Wendy, I've been trying
not to say anything but...
your friends are all
kind of douchebags.
* *
Kenny was right.
All this time,
we've been trying to figure out
whose fault this all was.
It was our fault.
I remember when we were kids.
We were so optimistic.
We lost that.
We lost our sense of fun.
Our sense of humor.
Maybe the pandemic
was a big test.
And we all failed.
Let's face it, guys.
We killed Kenny.
Yeah. Kenny was right.
Back in the old days,
we wouldn't give up like this.
We would have just set out
to save our friend,
no matter how impossible
it seemed.
What we would have done--
and what we
should have done then--
was double down on our respect
and our love for one another
and fight through it
instead of
fighting with each other.
We can save Kenny.
We just have to finish his work.
How? We don't know anything
about quantum physics
and time travel.
I don't know how.
But we start by believing.
In each other
and in what is yet to come.
We have to go back to being
those kids we once were.
Even if it means
calling Jesus or Santa.
Come on, guys,
we've got work to do!
Sounds good.
I'll be right back.
Moisha, Hackelm, kids,
get your things.
We need to go now.
What's going on, Dad?
Your Uncle Kyle wants to
go back and change things.
He's going to try
and change the past.
But I like things
the way they are.
Me too, Dad. Do you think
he'll be able to do it?
No, kids.
Fuck Uncle Kyle.
BOTH:
Yay!
-Yay, Daddy!
-Fuck Uncle Kyle!
It wasn't supposed
to be like this.
People were supposed to
get kinder in the future.
I'm so sorry
what happened to both of you.
It wasn't your fault, Randy.
It was all Stan's fault.
Yes, it was all Stan's fault.
Thanks for saying that,
you guys.
I'm sorry Stan
sucks so hard sometimes.
Don't give up, Randy.
Humanity needs you.
No!
I can't do it alone!
How can things possibly go
back to the way they were?
(wind gusting)
It can't be.
It's impossible.
It's the last little
sprout of Tegridy.
I have to get you
somewhere safe.
We have a lot of work to do.
* *
(footsteps echoing)
(people wailing)
(crazed laughter)
We just had another call asking
to speak with Victor Chouce.
You're quite a popular man,
Victor.
I wonder what
all the fuss is about.
Don't feel like talking, huh?
(chuckles)
You will.
* We are all, you and me *
* We are all living
in the future *
* We can't get stuff
'cause boats are late *
* And nobody's working
in the future *
* They don't sell tostadas
anymore at Taco Bell *
* Welcome to the future *
* In the future *
* We are living in the future *
* It's the future *
* We're living in the future. *