South Park (1997–…): Season 23, Episode 8 - Turd Burglars - full transcript

Sheila has a fecal transplant and when it improves her health, all the other women wants their hands on her stool.

♪♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪

Announcer:
It's one for the ladies!

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Headin' down to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪♪

♪ So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪

♪♪

When I look out
across this room,

I see the backbone
of our community.

The women of this town
need to stand together!



We are here,
and we're proud.

And it is time
to let everyone know

that the women of South Park
should be treated

the same as the men!

Oh! Aaaaah.
[ Farts ]

[ Groaning ]

Oh, God!

[ Farting continues ]
Ohhh, sorry.

[ Retching ]

[ Chuckles ]
Oh-kay.

I'm alright.
[ Farting continues ]

Oh!

Hello, boys.

Your mommy has
a bacterial infection



called C. diff.

It's very contagious.

A bacterial infection?
In her stomach?

All of us have trillions
of microscopic critters

that grow on
and inside our bodies,

just like your mom.

There's tiny creatures
which live in your mom's skin,

on her eyelashes,
in her vagina.

But the good bacteria
in your mommy's tummy

are being overrun
by bad bacteria.

We can't use antibiotics
because that will

kill all the good
bacteria, too.

So, what can
you do for her?

We need to take
a healthy person's microbiome

and start to grow it
inside your mother.

We do this with
a fecal transplant.

We'll get a donor's feces,
mix it with water,

and put it up
your mom's anus.

Ewwww!

Your mom is tough, kids.

We're gonna do
the very best we can.

Try not to worry.

Ike, if mom lives...

we can't let anyone
ever know about this.

♪♪

♪ I am shopping

♪ I'm grocery shopping

♪ I'm buying food
for the people I love ♪

Sheila?

Oh! Hi, Laura!

My goodness, look at you!
I thought you were sick!

I was, but I had
an amazing procedure!

No, no, no, Mommy.
No, no, no, no!

I had a fecal transplant.

Oh! God damn it!
You had a what?

A fecal transplant.

It's when they take
the feces of a healthy donor

and place it in your anus.

I feel like
a million dollars!

Sheila, is that you?
I thought you were sick!

I was,
but I had a fecal transplant.

Aaaaah!

I'm telling you girls,

it solved every problem
I've ever had!

I've lost weight!
I have more energy!

I even think my arthritis
is clearing up!

Well,
that certainly is...

interesting.

Looking great, Sheila!

Thanks, Janice!
Fecal transplant!

Narrator:
If you're watching this video,

then your mom probably had
a fecal transplant.

And the one question on
your mind is most likely,

"How do I keep my friends
from ripping on me?"

Yes!
People make fun of what
they don't understand.

So, let's learn why your mom
had a fecal transplant.

It was to replace
her microbiome.

Germs, bugs,
thousand of organisms

are all around you
all the time.

That remote control
your holding --

It's teaming with life --

bacteria and other organisms.
Eugh!

They also live on
your clothes --

Eesh!
Small organisms are everywhere.

Now, scratch your balls.

Go on.

If you don't have balls,

scratch whatever else
might be down there.

Now smell your fingers.

That smell is millions
of living organisms

that you've just scraped
from your crotch

and are now going up
inside your nostrils --

your microbiome.

Ewwwww!

Creatures live in your teeth.

They live on your eyelashes,
on your skin.

And trillions and trillions
live inside your body.

In fact,
of all the cells in your body

only half are human cells.

The other half are all
microscopic organisms!

Aaaaaaah!

[ Classical music plays ]

How is your salmon, Sheila?
Oh, it's amazing.

You know, I could never
eat like this before.

My allergy to shellfish
has literally gone away.

Oh, my gosh.
That's so wonderful!

Oh, [Chuckles]
that reminds me.

So, Sheila,

um, the girls and I
were talking...

Well, you seem so great,

and we thought how nice
it would be for us...

to have a little bit
of your poop.

[ Scoffs ] What?

Well, thing is,
we asked our doctors

about getting
fecal transplants, too,

and they said they only do them
for "medical reasons."

So, we have to
do them on our own.

[ Chuckles nervously ]
Oh, well...

You know, girls, if the doctor
doesn't think it's safe,

you probably shouldn't be doing
DIY transplants.

No, that's very true,
isn't it?

We were just
thinking that...

your microbiome is
so healthy now,

it would be nice
to share a little.

Yeah. Uh...

Uh, I mean...
It's not that I don't want

to share everything
with my friends.

It's just, you know --

I'm sorry it just
doesn't seem right.

And that is
totally fine!

If it doesn't feel right,
then it probably isn't right!

[ Chuckles ]
[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Oh, this is Kyle.
Sorry, girls, let me take this.

-Oh, okay!
-Okay.

That cunt!
I told you she'd say no.

How much of a bitch can you be?
Won't share your feces?

Talk about anal retentive.

Fuck her.

Fuck her.

♪♪

[ Heartbeat pounding ]

♪♪

Kyle: [ Thinking ]
Half the cells in my body...

half...

They're inside me right now,

alive...

all over me...

The bookcase...

The bookcase!

[ Screams ]

Do you guys have any idea
what I'm saying?

Half the cells in our bodies
aren't human.

Right now,
there are alive creatures

in your eyelashes
and in your teeth!

So..?

"So"?!

Right now, that straw
has a bunch of little bugs

and they're --
they're going into your mouth

And mixing with trillions
of other little bugs

that are alive
inside you.

You aren't even
totally you!

Dude, Kyle why are you talking
about all this?

Okay, guys.
Listen.

My mom had
a fecal transplant.

[ Spits ] Ha!

[ Laughs ]

Fecal transplant!
[ Laughs ]

Hi, Kyle. I'm Harriet.
Henrietta and Bradley's mommy?

I've been looking
all over town for you!

Why?

Well, I went
to the video game store,

and I bought this --
"Jedi Fallen Order."

It's getting great reviews --
thought you might want it.

Whaaat?
Yeah! He wants it!

Great! Could you just do
one little thing for me, Kyle?

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

When you go back home,
could you find a way to get

a little of your mom's poop
and put it in this jar?

What?! Ew!

No!
Yes!

I don't need much.

I'm sure you can find a way
to sneak it from her.

You do that,
and the game is all yours!

That is disgusting!
Absolutely not.

Kyle.

Oh, well.
Think about it.

The offer stands.

I heard you can customize
your own light saber.

What is your problem?

What is my problem?!

I'm not gonna go
steal my mom's shit.

Dude, you realize

we won't get that game
till Christmas.

We could be
playing it tomorrow.

Mrph rmh mhm!

I said no,
and that's final!

[ Pipes squeaking ]

She's in!

Kyle's mom just squatted
on the toilet!

Okay.
We've got contact.

You ready with the bucket,
Kenny?

Mrph mhm!

Place it directly under
this pipe.

Alright.
That should just about do it.

Now we just wait...

for the flush.

Mrph rmh mhm!

That's good
she's not flushing yet.

That means she's got
more serious business,

and serious business
is just what we're after.

You think she'll poop
a big enough log?

You see how fat
Kyle's mom is?

That bitch must poop
at least 2 pounders.

Kyle: The fuck
are you doing?

Oh, hey, Kyle.
What's goin' on?

You are not stealing
my mom's shit!

Kyle, this is the world
we are living in, okay?

People are finding new and
exciting ways to get healthy,

and who are we
to stand in their way?

[ Toilet flushes ]

It just freaks
me out, Doc.

We all have these...
things living inside our bodies,

and everyone
just seems fine with it.

It's like as soon as people
learn they have microbiomes,

the first thing they want to do
is start swapping them!

Well, young man,
the truth is,

we still don't know
a lot about the microbiome.

but you shouldn't let it
freak you out.

But where does
it stop?!

Then are people
just gonna start wanting

skinny people's microbiomes
to be skinny

or an athletes' microbiome to
feel athletic and young again?

Yes, it's possible,
but we don't know enough.

There is no
"super feces,"

which can make you
athletic and young.

Well, like...
what about Tom Brady's poop?

[ Thinking ] The spice...

He knows about the spice.

I-I'm just saying
that Tom Brady seems

to work really hard
on his diet and stuff.

His shit must be
pretty good.

More than pretty good.

The Spice Melange.

What?

Nothing.

It's unobtainable.

The Spice.

But could he be the one
to bring it here?

Announcer: And now back to
"One For the Ladies"!

♪♪

Have you been in
that store at all?

No, I think it's new,
isn't it?

It used to be
that watch store.

Oh, my God!
Harriet?

Oh! Hi, girls!
What's new?

My goodness!
Look at you!

You look great!
What happened?

Fecal transplant.
It's true what they say.

I feel 20 years younger.

[ Horn honks ]
Lookin' good, Mrs. B!

Fecal transplant, Damon!
Keep your eyes on the road!

Harriet?

Oh. Hey, Sheila.

You're looking
chipper today.

Yeah, I had a little
procedure done.

Fecal transplant.

I thought the doctor
wouldn't give you

a fecal transplant,
Harriet.

No, I... did it myself.
With a turkey baster.

Where did you
get the feces?

Well, it's really none
of your business, Sheila.

It's a private matter,
a fecal transplant.

I'd really rather not
talk about it.

See ya, girls.
ALL: Bye, Harriet!

Two faced bitch!

You know what
she said about you at lunch?

What?
She called you the C-word.

You're joking!
Oh, no!

Clearly, she couldn't stand
that you were

the only one in town
who's shit didn't stink.

Fuck her.

Fuck her.

♪♪

Boys, I brought you in here

because some rumors are floating
around the school, mkay.

These rumors are
that you three

somehow stole feces
from Kyle's mom, mkay,

and gave it to Mrs. Biggle

in return for
"Jedi Fallen" Order."

That is 100% untrue.

Mkay, well, someone in this
school is a little turd burglar,

and I want some answers.

How can we answer that to which
we have no knowledge?

[ Whispering ]
Very nice. Very nice.

It must be hard...

having to take turns playing
"Jedi Fallen Order."

It's a single player game,
I believe.

Wouldn't know.

Oh, because I could get you
each your own copy.

That would be a lot a fun,
wouldn't it?

You guys stole the poop.

Could you do it again?

You want us to steal

some of Kyle's mom's poop
for you?

Not Kyle's mom's.

Someone else's.

Whose?

[ Thinking ] The Spice.

I must have it.

The Spice Melange.

Alright. Alright.
Um, proud of our team today.

It was, uh...

You know, I thought the defense

did a great job
keeping us in the game.

And, again, I think
the offense has

a lot of room for improvement

and all that starts with me.

Questions?
Yeah.

Can we have
your poop?

No, guys, I'm not gonna take
any requests for my microbiome.

I just wanna focus on the team.

We're 10-1 now, you know?

But we can't let up.
Yeah?

Please, can we have your poop.
Okay, I'm not --

I'm not gonna stay out here.
You guys. It's just --

Does anyone have
a real question?

Tom, after you
leave here,

are you gonna go
eat somewhere

or go right home and --
No, no. See?

I'm not gonna tell you guys
where I'm doing

because then
you're all gonna try

and follow me
into the bathroom.

You're not taking my feces,

so unless you have
a football question,

we're done here.

Can we buy your poop?

Kyle: [ Thinking ]
Microbiome...

Inside me...

They are inside me.

Are they a part of me?

When I eat, they eat.

When I die,

they consume me
and continue to live.

Am I just an Airbnb
in Santa Clarita?

They're not a part of me.

They are me.

♪♪

The bookcase.

The bookcase!

You have to understand,

a lot of people
want things from Tom Brady.

He has to be
a little protective.

Yes, we do understand.
We just...

Well, since you're his publicist
we thought that...

You could give Mr. Brady
our message-

It's alright Stan.
don't cry.

You see, ma'am, our friend
little Kenny here is dying.

And he's... He's just the biggest
Patriots fan.

You know, I can call him,

but he's very busy right now
with the season.

Well, if Mr. Brady
could just, you know,

have Kenny stay over
at his house for a night.

Kind of like a Michael Jackson
kind of thing.

Ohhghghgh!

Oh, gosh,
we're losing him!

We need to make this happen
quickly, ma'am.

They want the spice.
Just like the rest.

Perhaps they are
the ones...

Uh, ma'am?

Tom Brady's Publicist:
A chance. Perhaps.

They could actually obtain
the Spice Melange...

Let me...
see what I can do.

Girls, can I just say --
you both look fantastic.

Oh, thanks girlfriend.

We've been working out
and dieting, you know --

not cheating, like
that bitch Harriot.

Well, it's great you guys
are doing it the natural way

and we don't have to deal
with Harriot anymore.

There you are,
you Goddamn bitch!

I will take you to court,
fat whore!

Harriot,
I do not like your tone-

You knew I was going to
steal your poo,

and so you tainted it,
didn't you?!

What are you
talking about?

I have been shitting
and throwing up all day!

It has to be
from your feces!

So, you did take my poo,
huh, Harriot?

That's besides
the point now!

Oh, IS it?
'Cause the girls told me

you called me the C word
the other day!

Oh, you're all
backstabbing bitches now!

Fuck you, Harriot!

Uhhh-- Okay, ladies.
come on --

Just admit it!
I can't stop puking and shitting

because of what
you did to me!

[ Moans ]

What the fuck?

You thought you were
such hot shit, Harriot.

We took the leftover feces
from your house,

and put it up our asses
with a Turkey baster!

Oh. Oh, God.

Announcer: We now return to
"One for the Ladies."

[ Wind howls ]

[ Roars ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hello, ma'am.
We are the darling children

who's dying friend is all set
to meet Tom Brady.

I am Mabel Gonzales,
the housekeeper.

They're here
for the spice.

I can sense it.

Cartman: I wonder why everyone
keeps taking really long pauses

after they talk?

Stan: People just keep
looking at me

like I'm supposed
to say something.

Kenny:
Why did I agree to this?

I don't even have a machine
to play Fallen Order on.

Come on in.

Mr. Brady is just
using the bathroom.

Music to your ears,
I suppose.

We've got more sick incoming.
Try and make some more room.

We have a major epidemic,
here, detective.

C-diff has spread
to half the town.

We don't have enough staff
or enough supplies
to keep up with it.

How did this happen?!

Apparently, the outbreak
started at a restaurant,

when some women
got sick on everybody.

The women contracted C-diff

by giving themselves
DIY fecal transplants.

So, they got sick from
another woman's feces?

No. They got sick
from using this --

a common household
turkey baster.

It's a thing most people
only use once a year,

around Thanksgiving.

The rest of the year,
it just sits in a drawer,

collecting bacteria.

And then, the ladies went
and stuck it up their asses.

Oh, those ladies!

It gets worse.

We're completely out
of healthy donor feces.

Even if we found a donor at this
point it wouldn't be enough

to give everyone
transplants.

So what happens next?

With how contagious C-diff is,
and how deadly,

Half of South Park
is going to die.

Jesus. What have those
rascally ladies done?

So... You're all here
to meet Tom Brady, too?

Yeah.
I'm a sports writer.

Getting a
little interview.

A little interview,
and hopefully more.

Yes, and we are here
with our little girl

who's dying,
just like your friend.

I'm dying, Mommy?

Shut up, Theresa!

The Spice Melange.

It is here
in this house.

Everyone, the honorable
Thomas Brady.

Hey, everybody.

The rest of you,
stand back!

They all deceive you,
Mr. Brady!

They only want to get to
the Spice Melange!

Oh, God, not again.
Alright, everybody out.

Come on. Let's go.

Mr. Brady, can we just see
your basement really fast?

Nope. Nope.
That's all.

If you people want
a healthy microbiome,

then proper diet
and healthy choices, alright?

That's it.
You are all being ridiculous.

[ Door opens ]

Kyle? Dude,
what are you doing here?

You don't get to be part
of Turd Burglars now, Kyle.

The Bookcase.

[ All gasping, "oh" ing ]

Okay, look,
I got sick of people

going to my basement
and screwing with my plumbing.

The spice.
So much of it.

Enough for everyone.
Enough to bring peace to all.

I stopped flushing them
because people kept breaking

my pipes to get them.

Never, in my wildest dreams,
did I believe

so much
could be obtained.

This is enough for
all the universe.

I mean, you'd all
do the same thing

if people were always trying
to steal your shit.

That's good. Stay still.
Almost there.

Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry
for stealing your feces.

And we're sorry for stealing
it from you, Harriot.

Girls this was
all my fault.

I think I got
a little carried away

bragging about
my fecal transplant.

I hope we can all
be besties again.

Doctor: You ladies
are pretty lucky.

If it hadn't been for these
little turd burglars, here,

you'd be dead --
and also responsible

for the deaths
of countless others.

Kyle, how did you do it?

I mean, how did you even know
what was going on?

I didn't know.
My microbiome did.

All along, they were trying
to tell me something.

I've really learned that
I'm not just me.

I'm also all the creatures
inside of me.

From now on, I'm gonna trust
my gut a little more.

Well, I think we've all
learned something.

"One for the Ladies" is one
too many for the ladies.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪