South Park (1997–…): Season 23, Episode 3 - Shots!!! - full transcript

Randy revels in a Tegridy Farms milestone; Cartman stands his ground and refuses to get a shot.

♪♪

Randy:
♪ Goin' down to Tegridy Farms,
gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere

♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to Tegridy Farms,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ There's ample parking
day or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor" ♪

♪ I'm headin' on down
to Tegridy Farms ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind

Towelie: I got some weed,
and...

I don't know what's going on.



Randy: ♪ So come on down
to Tegridy Farms ♪

♪ And meet some friends
of mine ♪

♪ Happy 300 to us

♪ Happy 300 to us

♪ Happy 300,
Tegridy Farms ♪

Ugh!
Ugh!

♪ Happy three hundred
thousand dollars ♪

Can you believe it, gang?

We've broken $300,000
selling weed.

Not to be a dick,

but I remember back when
you, Sharon, and you, Shelley,

said buying a pot farm
was a "stupid" idea.

Now we're living the dream.

You're living the dream.
This is your dream.



You know,
[scoffs] is it me

or are people starting to not be
that stoked on Tegridy Farms?

Are you guys still pissed off
about the China thing?

You may not like that
I do business with China,

but personally, I think you guys
having a problem with China

is racist.

Now come on!
Let's celebrate 300!

Who wants shots?

Shots?

No shots!
No shots!

Eric, you have
to be a big boy.

Big boys get a toy
from the toy chest.

No, no, no, no, no!
[ Screeching ]

Eric, It's just a little prick.
[ Laughs ]

No, no, no!
Nooooo!

Good boy, Eric!

[ Squealing ]

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Cartman squealing ]

Our school now has
a very strict policy

when it comes
to immunizations.

Everyone has to follow protocol
or it puts everyone at risk.

I'm sorry, PC Principal.
It's just that...

my little Eric really
doesn't like shots.

Well, Eric, nobody likes shots.
They're just a fact of life.

No, no.
You don't understand.

I've taken him to the doctor
every Friday

for the past four years.

They try to
give him his shot,

but he gets scared
and runs around,

and he squeals
like a little pig.

The doctors try
to catch him,

but Eric greases himself up
so they can't.

I'm sorry,
but my hands are tied here.

If Eric isn't immunized,

then he cannot go
to this school.

[ Sobbing ] Please!
I've tried everything!

You have to let Eric
go to school.

I work all day,
and without school,

he'll just --
he'll just have nothing!

What do you think's gonna
be different next time you try?

If -- If you could
offer Eric something.

Sometimes when Eric
is behaving this way,

I think of a gift
or a treat of some kind.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Like, what are
you thinking?

I don't know!

Like maybe
exclusive use

of the tetherball pole at recess
for the next two months?

Ooh, would that
be possible?

What I care most about is
the safety of the students,

so if you'll take your shots,
then I'll agree.

Sweet.
But, Eric, you really have to do
it this time, okay?

When we're at the doctors,
you can't change your mind.

I won't change my mind.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Cartman squeals in distance ]

[ Crashing, glass shatters ]

[ Squealing continues ]

[ Crashing, shattering ]

Eric, it's okay!

[ Squealing continues ]

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Clattering ]

I'm sorry but I have
a lot of other patients to see.

We'll just have to try again
next week.

Come on, Eric.
We're going home.

We're going home?
You promise?

Let's go!
Get in the car!

Wait, can I get a toy
from the toy chest?

One toy, Eric!

Cool!

[ Toys rattle ]

[ Marching band plays ]

[ Parade music plays ]

Yeah!

300!

Tegridy Farms!
Hello, South Park!

Thanks for making Tegridy

the most profitable farm
in Colorado!

We couldn't have done it
without you, so here!

Here's some beads!
[ Red Rockers' "China" plays ]

Here you go!
Beads for everybody!

I've got $300,000!

♪ China, China! ♪

♪ Da-da-ya-ya history! ♪

♪ It was la la la China! ♪

[ Sirens chirp ]
♪ China, China! ♪

Alright, China!

Butters:
So, then I guess the school said
Eric can't come here no more

and so he's been,
like, kicked out.

Cartman can't go
to this school anymore?

Yeah, he was actually kind of
upset about it

because he said on the phone
that he has to do

homeschooling
with this really mean teacher.

Oh, my God. I don't know
how long this will last,

but I'm gonna savor
every minute.

Hey, guys!
I'm back in school!

Everything worked out.

I'm allowed back,
and it's all good!

You got your shots?

No, I don't have
to get my shots ever!

And they can't
do anything about it.

Because
I'm a consciousness objector.

A conscientious objector?

Yeah, I told the school,
I said, look you guys,

I happen to have...
"religious, moral,

or philosophical
convictions."

And -- And I said I believe
that "health and disease

should not be controlled
by vaccination."

Those are my beliefs.

And besides, I don't want
to risk immunizations

making me artistic.
[ Sniffles ]

Dude, Cartman, don't you know
that if you don't get immunized

you actually put people
at risk who --
One second! One second!

[ Sniffles ] Sorry.
One second, gotta sneeze.

Oh, never mind.
Never mind.

I'm sorry.
What were you saying?

I'm saying that
we all had to get shots

and, actually,
if just one person doesn't --

[ Sneezes ]

Oh!

Snot web.

I'll be right back,
you guys.

Can somebody get me
a paper towel?

I got a snot web here.

Consciousness objector
coming through.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Alright, everyone.
Listen up.

I understand your frustration,

but a government organization
like a school

cannot impose its will
on a conscientious objector.

It's not safe for our kids
to be in this school!

You do understand that up
to 5% of kids with vaccines

can still be at risk.

Everyone has to do it,
or it doesn't matter!

Yeah, I don't quite see
how it's fair that

all the rest of our community
agrees to this.

Why does one family
get to have a problem with it?

I'm sorry.

It's just my strong,
personal belief that

"among other things,

vaccines contain
harmful ingredients.

Formaldehyde, aluminum
and even Mercury."

Aw, come on, Mrs. Cartman,
all major medical organizations

state that vaccines
are safe!

The CDC, the FDA, UNICEF,
and the US Department of Health!

Yes, yes,
I know but...

"we can't even risk
a 0.1% chance of vaccinations

making our children
artistic."

Well, that's true.

There are enough artists
in the world.

Look, I don't know
what kind of mother

wouldn't vaccinate
their child,

but it's putting everyone
in danger, and that's why --

Then you try to catch him!
You try it!

Don't you people
criticize me

until you've taken Eric
to the doctor,

and you've tried
to hold him down!

I'm a good mother!

Don't you dare question
if I care about my child!

Oh, shit.

O-Of course you care.

Nobody likes seeing
their child in pain.

Maybe -- Maybe you should
just let us take care

of getting Eric
his shots.

You don't understand
how hard it is.

We'll find a way
to make it

completely painless
for him, okay?

[ Snoring ]

[ Keys jangle ]

[ Door creaks ]

Alright, alright.
Bring him in!

The little boy's room
is upstairs.

Oh, I don't know
if I can go through with this.

My little Eric is going
to be so mad at me!

Look, by the time
he knows what's happened,

it'll already be over.

Did you bring
his boo-boo present?

Yeah, yeah, come on.
Thomas and Laura.

Okay? See?
We got the present.

Everything's
gonna be fine.

[ Snoring ]

[ Snoring continues ]

Hey, what's going on?

[ Squeals ]

No, no! Nooo!

Oh! It'll just
be for a second!

Oh, Jesus!

[ Cartman squeals ]

Eric, there's a big treat
for you if you stay still!

[ Squealing continues ]
Catch him!

[ Squealing ]
Butter's Dad: Thomas! Linda!

Y-You gotta get him!

[ Squealing continues ]

[ Snorts ]

[ Squealing resumes ]

[ Squealing continues ]

Eric! Oh!

Well, what do we do now?

I think the only way
we're gonna get Eric immunized

is by bringing
in an expert.

[ Western music plays ]

[ Telephone rings ]

This is Big Mesquite Murph.
How can I help you?

You say you got yourself
a conscientious objector?

Well, you just sit tight.

There aren't never no hog

that Big Mesquite Murph
couldn't catch.

♪♪

♪♪

How many thousand dollars has
Tegridy Farms made selling weed?

$300,000!

It's a 300-palooza!

Come on down
and see what we've got!

Deep voice: What have we got?

We've got $300,000!

Just selling' all
this [echoing] weed!

And this month,
we're celebrating

all our new customers in China!

[ Reggae music plays ]

We're celebrating with
new T-shirts!

"Tegridy Farms made $300,000
and all I got was high."

Get yours for just ten bucks!

We couldn't have
done it without you!

Remember!
That's $300,000!

[ Remote clicks ]

Well...
what'd you think, guys?

How much did you spend
making that commercial?

Who cares, Sharon?
Business is up.

Nobody cares about
your stupid $300,000!

We've become
the kind of business

that we moved out here
to get away from!

You know why
the Chinese buy our weed?!

It's to plant
on their student protesters

so they can
put them in jail!

Yeah, we make money
either way.

You don't care
how anyone else feels!

We bought this farm
together, Randy!

Or did you forget that?
I hate marijuana!

[ Gasps ] Shelley!
I hate marijuana, too.

[ Gasps ] Stan!

Oh, Eric, I...

wasn't sure
if you'd be up yet.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Eric, you know I only
want what's best

for my little snookums.

You read me a bedtime story.
You tucked me in.

And then you let half the town
into my room

to try and give me a shot
against my will.

It was supposed
to make it easier on you,

and th-th-they didn't
catch you anyway.

This is goodbye, Mom.
I can't live with you anymore.

Eric, please!

You don't know how hard it is
to be a parent!

Sometimes we don't know
the right thing to do!

So you go along
with society

and try to force
immunizations on me

even knowing
the health risks?

What if immunizations made my
friend Timmy the way he is?

What if they made Jimmy
the way he is?

What if they made Token
the way he is?

Eric, when I was
at the store, I got you

some Little Debbie Cream Pies
and --

That isn't gonna work
this time, Mom!

I don't want
to be around you anymore!

So I don't know where
you're gonna stay,

but you'll just have
to figure it out.

I've already packed
all your things.

Sweetie, you can't live
on your own.

You should've thought about that
before you made this house

a nightmare for me.
Goodbye, mother.

[ Country music plays ]

Alright, youngin,
we can do this the easy way

or we can do it hard.

♪♪

[ Squealing, snorting ]

-Yeeeeeeee-haw!
-[ Squealing continues ]

-Soooiee!
-[ Squealing continues ]

♪♪

Well? What happened.

[ Slurring ] I ain't never seen
no hog like that...

It's like it could run
two places at once.

You said
you could catch him!

I did catch 'im!

I got him locked in a pen!

It's just that every time
I bring out that needle,

he becomes
like a hog tornado,

but I'll get him!
Yeah?

Or maybe you just believe
a little bit

that vaccinations shouldn't be
mandated for school attendance

due to possible
still-unknown side effects.

Don't you question me.
If anyone believes

that the most common side effect
of vaccines -- anaphylaxis --

occurs in only one per several
hundred thousand

to one per million vaccinations,

it's Big Mesquite Murph.

Now this hog you got here,
he's contained,

but now I need help gettin' him
his shots.

The only way
we're gonna get him,

is we gotta build a big
enclosed pen

'bout 100 feet in diameter.

I'm also gonna need the best
wranglers flown in from Wichita.

And I'm gonna need some loud
music and some barbecue.

Barbecue?

[ Doorbell rings ]

Mrs. Cartman?

Hello, Randy...

I'm... sorry to trouble you,
but...

I don't know where to turn.

I was hoping maybe...

I could buy some ganja.

Whoa, whoa, what's going on?

My son h-hates me.

The whole town h-hates me.

Nobody thinks I'm a good mom,

and I don't know
if I am anymore!

Ok, ok, come on...

let's get you inside
and get you some weed.

It all just happened gradually,
you know?

[ Inhales ]
I don't know why

but it's like everyone's
against me.

Even my own son.
[ Exhales ]

Believe me, I know
how that feels.

[ Inhales ]

You try to do what's best
for your family

and all you do
is get [bleep] on.

I know immunizations
are probably for the best...

[ Inhales ] ...but then you read
some of this stuff

on the Internet,
and I don't know.

It's scary.
[ Exhales ]

That's just it.
[ Inhales ]

When it comes to families,
we just have to do

what we think is best.
It doesn't matter.

They're having an all-county
mandated immunization

round up tonight.

Any child not immunized
is about to be.

All-county immunization
round up?

What's that?
[ Indistinct chatter ]

ANNOUNCER:
Good evenin', everybody,

and welcome to the CDC
Child Immunization challenge.

This here special event
is sponsored by

Voices for Vaccines
and also by Chevy.

So with all that all out the
way, let's get to some action!

[ Cheers and applause ]

First up, we have little
Danny Ray Johnston

out of Bailey, Colorada.

He has not been immunized
since kindergarten.

He says he just don't like
needles.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

No! Noooooo!

[ Screaming ]
-And there they go!

[ Screaming continues ]
[ Banjo music plays ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

No! Noooo! [ Screams ]

[ Crowd ohh's ]

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Gate rattling ]

[ Screaming continues ]

Ah! [ Shouts ]

[ Screaming continues ]

Nooo!

[ Crying ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

He stuck him
in the left buttocks!

That is a 8.7 score,
right there.

[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Gate rattling ]

Alright let's hear it
for little Danny Ray, folks.
[ Crying ]

He's a little worse for wear
but now he can pick himself up

a nice little toy
from the toy chest.

[ Banging ] Jesus...

I've got to get out of here!

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Crying ] It's just --
It's like --

Can't people see
I'm trying to do

what's best
for my family?!

I'm trying to provide for them
by running a business!

I'm sorry
if I make mistakes!

I know, Randy.

Other parents expect me
to deal with Eric and --

And I get it
from both sides

because my family's
pissed off at me, too!

I understand.
No, you don't!

Yes, I do.
No, you don't!

[ Garbled ]
Nobody understands.

Randy, we all try to do
the best for our family.

And sometimes...

when we're afraid
of being judged,

we can push
our family away.

Yeah, it's like everybody's
doing business with China.

Just, like, get over it.

You should just feel lucky
that you have a partner

in doing what's right
for your family.
Yeah...

I'm afraid I haven't been very
kind to that partner lately.

I think maybe it's time
for an apology.

Thanks for the talk,
Randy,

and for the weed.
Where you going?

I'm going to do the only thing
I know how to do.

Be a mom.

[ Screaming ] Nooo!

[ Screaming continues ]

ANNOUNCER: Alright, and that is
Dr. Chet Molwinns

that just gave that girl
her DTAP booster

and her HPV vaccination.

That is for genital warts.

Way to go, Chet.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, folks, let's hear it for
all these wranglers tonight.

They're workin' extra hard
to bring immunity

to your community.

Alright, folks, we are now
ready for the main event!

This young man has never had
a single immunization.

[ Walls rattling ]
He says he is an orthodox Jew

and a conscientious objector.

Everyone put your hands
together now for little

Eric "The South Park Piggy"
Cartman.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Sooouuuiiieee!

[ Shouts ]

[ Squealing ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

ANNOUNCER: There he goes folks!
Dear Lord, he's a slippery one.

[ Squealing continues ]

[ Gearshift slides ]

Do you remember
we used to come here

and look over
the town lights together?

Yeah, so what?

Then you turned
into an asshole.

I brought you here
to apologize, Towelie.

I let the money go
to my head.

I -- I got greedy,

and I started acting
like a towel.

I need you back.

I need Tegridy back
the way it used to be.

No more harassing
home growers?

No more harassing home growers.

No more dealing with those
MedMen assholes.

No more MedMen.

No more kissing China's ass?

China's actually a free
and loving country that --

I'm out.
[ Door closes ]

Wait! Wait, Towelie!
Come on, I need you!

I'm never working
for a company

that's regulated
by a communist government.

Okay, okay...

No more selling
to the Chinese.

Then say it. Say, "[Bleep]
the Chinese government.

[ Quietly ] [Bleep] the Chinese
government.

I didn't hear you.

[Bleep] the Chinese government!
There!

Well...

you just got
your partner back.

[ Laughs ]
This is it.

This is the moment
that Tegridy Farms

got back on track.

♪♪

ANNOUNCER: Dear Lord, we are
goin' on 16 minutes here

and ain't nobody caught
this youngin!
[ Squealing ]

This might very well be
a world record

you're seeing here, folks.
[ Squealing continues ]

Get out of my way!
Move it!

Whoa, whoa, Mrs. Cartman.
Everything is fine here.

It's okay, Liane!
They know what they're doing!

[ Squealing continues ]

[ Man grunts ]
[ Crowd ooh's ]

Oh, looks like we've got a
concerned parent in there,

tryin' to take issue
with her child's well bein'.

♪♪

[ Squealing continues ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Crowd ohh's ]

Mooommm!

Leave my son alonnnneeeeee!

♪♪

[ Screams ]
[ Music stops ]

[ Crowd ohhhh's ]

I know I'm not the greatest mom
in the world.

I do the best I can.

Whatever happens now

is going to be done my way.

Come on, Eric.

Wait, Mom.

No, Eric!

No shot, no toy!

What?!

Okay, doctor,
I'm ready for my shots.

Eric, I've been speaking
with your mother...

I'm afraid
there's some bad news.
Bad news?

What are you talking about?
Mom?

Your mother received
a heavy dose of vaccine

that wasn't meant
for an adult.

I'm afraid there have been...
side effects.

What side effects?
Mom?! Mom!

Mom? Are you here, M--
[ Gasps ]

[ Softly ] Eric...

[ Echoing ] Nooo...

Noooooo!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪