South Park (1997–…): Season 22, Episode 4 - Tegridy Farms - full transcript

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪

♪ I'm goin' down to South
Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor" ♪

♪ Headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Murpph mmmph mmph
mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! ♪

♪ Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph
mrrr mff mrmmph! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park,
and meet some friends of mine ♪



All right.

Thanks for comin' in today

to discuss your daughter's
behavior, m'kay.

Exactly what kind of trouble is
Shelley in, Mr. Mackey?

Well, unfortunately,
we found out

our playground monitor
has been accepting favors

to look the other way at recess
and, uh...

your daughter sent him
an inappropriate picture.

of her butthole, m'kay.

Her butthole?
Shelley!

Why would
the recess monitor

want a picture
of my daughter's butthole?!

We've been having
a lot of issues at the school

with kids vaping lately,



and they bribe
the recess monitor

however they can.

Jesus Christ!

How much worse can things
get around here?!

M'kay, but -- but there
is good news, m'kay.

We had the picture analyzed,
and it turns out it was

actually just a picture
of a dog's butthole,

m'kay, that your daughter
claimed was hers.

M'kay, there it is --
a little fur right there.

Seriously?
Dog's butthole?

That's what we're
doing now, huh?

There's not enough bad things
in the world?

We get called into school,
here's a dog's butthole for ya.

That's what it's all
come to, Shelley!?

I'm over it, Sharon.
I am seriously over it.

Don't you wanna just start over?
Go back to simpler times?

What do you mean?

I've had it --
school shootings,

pieces of shit
taking Ambien and tweeting,

priests raping kids,
and somehow...

I'm not laughing anymore.

Let's do it, Sharon,
what I've always talked about.

Let's get outta here.

Go buy a farm
and live off the land.

Are you being serious?

I've never been
more serious.

Hey,
the lights green!

Shut up, Nelson!

Let's move out
to the country.

Go back to simple living
when things mattered,

like hard work
and tegridy.

How will we make
a living?

By growing things

and selling what we make
with our hands.

We can do this, Sharon.

It's time.

♪ This ol' world is
gettin' to me ♪

♪ There's just no trust,
no tegridy ♪

♪ So, I loaded up the kids,
took my wife by the arm ♪

♪ And I moved on out
to a Colorado farm ♪

♪ Now it's early to bed,
early to rise ♪

♪ The crops are plowed,
and it's no surprise ♪

♪ City folks are fightin',
and I don't give a darn ♪

♪ Darn ♪

♪ Cause I make my livin'
on a Colorado farm ♪

♪ I gotta drive the tractor,
gotta cut the grass ♪

♪ Chut-chut goes the baler
like it's never gonna last ♪

♪ There's food in the kitchen,
and there's bud in the barn ♪

♪ Barn ♪

♪ That's life
livin' on a Colorado farm ♪

♪ Ice cold beer, pickup truck ♪

♪ Country music,
listin' shit ♪

♪ We've got tegridy
to keep us warm ♪

♪ That's what you get
on a Colorado Farm ♪

♪ And I'm gonna stay
on a Colorado Farm ♪

Shit...

So, just like that?

Your parents sold your house
and everything?

Yeah, it takes me like an hour
to get to school now.

It sucks.

All because Shelley bribed
the playground monitor

to let her vape
during recess.

Why would
your sister want

to get addicted
to those things?

Well your little brother
does it too, Kyle.

What are you
talking about?

You didn't know?

The kindergartners
are, like,

the biggest vapers
at this school.

Vroom, vroom.

I am a truck!

Watch out
for the monster!

Ike!

Ike, do you have
a vaping pen?!

Nope.

Dude! Gimme that!

Hey!
Gimme back my vaporizer!

What is this?

Cherry-flavored nicotine?!
Are you joking?

Aw, come on!
All the kids are doing it.

Yeah!
I like lemon flavor!

I like
raspberry!

Why do you want
nicotine?!

Do you know how hard it is
being a kindergartner?

We need a break
sometimes!

These things are bad for you,
do you understand?!

Bad kindergartners!

Relax, bitch.

Try some gummy bear
surprise.

All right.
Where'd you guys get these?

Mornin', Joe.
How's the farmin'?

Doing good, neighbor.

Just planted some
Purple Skunky Kush.

Harvested the Super Hindu Haze
last week.

Well that's fine,
Joe, just fine.

I'm growin' some
Green Willy Stranger myself.

And the Catatonic Tegridy Bud
is takin' well.

Well, see ya 'round,
neighbor!

So long, Joe!

Kindergartners said
it's some big kid

in a trench coat.

Hey, look!

That's gotta be him.

What are
you gonna do?

I'm gonna tell him
if he sells a vape pen

to my brother again,
I'm gonna kick his ass!

Hey, you!

Oh! Hey, fellas!

Butters?!

What are you guys doin?

Butters,
are you selling vapes?

Well, sure!
Whatcha lookin' for?!

I've got strawberry, vanilla,
tropical passion --

- What?!
- Tropical passion.

It's like mango and kiwi.

Butters, you understand
this stuff is

an epidemic
at our school?!

Yeah, and at five bucks a pop,
we're gonna be rich!

Butters,
this is for Kyle.

Oof!

Randy, I think we need
to have a talk.

No time to talk.

The agricultural inspector's
about to drop by.

Once we get
certified from him,

we can start selling
like a real farm.

Have patience, wife.

Soon our fortunes
will change.

Ooh, that must
be him now!

Yes, I'm with
the State testing board.

Is this...
Tegridy Farms?

Name's right there on the sign.
Come on back!

So, with
this Vestin device,

I can check not only
the THC levels in your product,

but also detect any impurities
and give you a final score

based on overall
chemical makeup.

Yep.

That's good shit.

Now let me test the levels
in your organic house blend.

Yep.
That's good shit.

Now what about
the Tegridy Jungle Bud?

Let's test it out.

Whoa.

Yeah?

Whoa.
Yeeeah?!

I don't know
what tegridy is,

but that is some
good shit!

All right!

♪ Five, five dollar ♪

♪ Five-dollar footlooong ♪

Butters?!

Why'd you punch me,
Eric?!

I had to!

I thought
we were partners!

Butters, next time
when Kyle walks up to you

and says "Are you
selling vape stuff,"

You say,
"No, I am not, Kyle."

You punched me
in the face!

Butters, we have to be
extra cautious right now

or else we're --
hang on, hang on --

Hang on.

Hang on.

Okay, we have to be
extra cautious, Butters.

The whole operation is
in a period of transition.

What's that supposed to mean?!

In case you haven't noticed,
we're falling behind.

We haven't sold enough product
to pay off our overhead.

The people I bought from
are on my ass!

Everything costs money,
Butters.

The pens, the juice,
even that jacket I got you.

We can't start
getting sloppy now.

Do you understand?

Well, I don't know
how this means

you can go and punch me
in the face --

Everything will make sense,
Butters, I told you.

Just stick
with the plan, okay?

Did you know that vaping
is way healthier

than smoking cigarettes?

All right, everyone!

Who's ready for some
farm-to-table supper?!

We've got some
hemp milk here...

hemp-oil and vinegar
bruschetta...

some hemp seed tabouli.

And guess what the napkins
are made from?

Oh, wonder who
that could be.

Howdy.
What can I do ya for?

Is this Tegridy Farms?

Yeah, name's right there
on the sign.

Our company is interested
in your product.

We'd like to do some business
with you.

Really?!
Hey, that'd be great!

What kind of company --

We're one of the top
vape companies

in the state.

We'd like to add your product
to our line.

Oh, no. Sorry.

I don't want my Tegridy Bud
put in those pussy sticks.

Pussy sticks?

Yeah, you know --

penis pen, wussy vape,
lady joints.

Not on my farm,
no sirree.

You got a problem
with vaping?!

It's cleaner and healthier
than traditional smoking!

That's nice.

Now, hows about
you take that pussy stick

and get off my farm
before I shove it up your ass

and you're blowing mist
out your butthole.

All right.

You can be
a part of progress

or you can get
run over by it.

Yeah, whatever.

All you're doin' is
blowin' smoke --

Sorry, "fruity steam."
Pussy.

What happened
to your accent?

Go vape some more,
ya fuckin' puss.

You'll be sorry!

I need to speak
with the principal.

Okay.
What is it regarding?

I'd rather just
talk to him.

Right through there,
you're second in line.

- Oh, hey, Kyle.
- Hi, Kyle!

What are you up to?

You know
what I'm up to.

Okay, cool.
But come check this out.

This is really cool --
Don't touch me.

Just come -- No, just come see.
D-D-Don't touch me.

This is really cool

You know, Kyle,
people all need a way to relax.

And there's no proof
that vaping is that bad for you.

You're selling it
to kindergartners!

Kindergartners need a break,
too, Kyle!

You know they
took away their nap time.

You're such penises.
Would you rather

the kindergartners
smoke cigarettes?

Would you rather they drank?!
That's not good!

Kyle! Kyle, Kyle!
Okay, okay!

Just please listen,
all right?

The truth is...
we want out.

Butters and I thought we
could just make some easy money.

but you gotta pay off
the sixth graders,

then you gotta pay off
the recess monitor

to look the other way.

We're in deep, Kyle.

Just let us sell enough
to get out of debt,

And we will stop,
I swear it.

You're so full of shit.

Come on, Kyle.
We all make mistakes.

Did you already forget
last week?

You know...

Ronan Farrow was here
asking about you.

Ronan Farrow?
No, he wasn't.

Yes, Kyle.
He was right over there!

Just, please,
give us two days

to make back the money we need
to get out from under this,

and we will stop.

You have my word.

Fine. But no more pushing it
on little kids, you got that?

Okay. I'll focus my marketing
another direction.

Thank you, Kyle.

What ya doin', Joe?

Oh, hey, Randy!
We, uh, we sold the farm.

Just like that, huh?

You gonna let those people
with pussy sticks

take over everything?

Yeah.
They paid us great!

My wife and I are gonna move
to Maui!

Oh.

Well, I hope you didn't
pack your tegridy.

'Cause clearly...
your tegridy ain't goin'.

Are you still here?

I-I didn't know
chickens wore suspenders.

Agh.

Man, am I feeling tired!

All this hard work
at school?

Yeah! I wish I had
a little pick-me-up!

Something fresh and fruity
to go with my lunch!

Just stop. It's so obvious
what you guys are doing.

It sounds so great right now!

Can anyone help with some
fun, fruity flavors?

Oh, yeah!

Hey, guys,
it's the Vaping Man!

What are you doing here,
Vaping Man?

I'm here to offer
my fun, fruity flavors

in a refreshing mist.

Vaping?
Hey, that's bad for you.

Vaping's only
for cool kids.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

Sure, Kyle.
What is this about?

Can I talk to you
over here?

Well, of course.

What did I say about pushing it
on little kids?

How is this pushing it
on little kids, Kyle?

Fun, fruity Vaping Man?!

It's marketing!

Kyle, we have to make the money
to pay off our dealer.

How else are we supposed
to do it?

All right, how much
do you owe the dealer?

Why?
How much?

Isn't this great, Stan?

Living off the land.

No, it sucks.
I hate this.

I wanna go back home.

Well, you see that?
We're talkin' now.

When was the last time
we really talked like this?

I hate you so much.

I think we're having
a breakthrough moment.

I want to give
you something, son.

Something I made
that I want you to have.

It's a hemp hat.
No.

Come on.
Let's just see how it fits.

Please, no.

Here just -- just look.
Just try it.

♪ One, two princes kneel before you ♪

♪ One, two ♪
Whoa.

♪ Princes kneel before you ♪

♪ That's what I said, now ♪

♪ Princes ♪

There you go,

and thanks for shopping
at Big Vape.

That's him.

That's my guy.

There you are.
You got my money?

Kyle.

Look, my friend
is very stupid

and should have never gone
into business with you.

Who are you?

I'm just seeing if I can
help settle things.

You probably
don't realize it,

but vaping is a really big
problem at our school.

Look, I'm just filling
a job

that somebody else
would fill, all right?

Okay, look,
this is the money I've saved up

from my past
three birthdays.

Can we call this even
and end it?

Aw, come on, man.

I don't want to take
your birthday money.

Whoa.
Hey, dude.

Why is there
a dead hooker next to you?

What?
What?

Dude, that is a dead hooker.
What are you doing with it?

I'm calling the cops!

You just put
that dead hooker there.

Cartman,
what are you doing?

There's a dead hooker
at the vape store!

There!

Ow!
Oh, shit!

Get the
vaporizers and the cash!

Get the cash, Kyle!

W-What --
What are you doing?

Just get the -- Oh, shit!
Ronan Farrow! What?!

Cartman get the stuff
and the cash!

Ronan Farrow, Kyle!
We got to get out of here!

Bless us, Lord,
and our little cannabis farm.

And may we always keep
our tegridy.

Amen.

So, how was
everyone's day?

Uh, well, not great.

Uh, Stan got caught
with a vaping pen.

With a what?!

You know, those little

pen and cartridge things
with the mist?

Stan had a vape pen?

You had a fucking vaping--
Get up to your room right now!

Way to underreact,
Sharon!

Where did you get this?

It's not mine.
I took it from a kindergartner.

Yeah, right.

My own son
using a pussy stick.

Don't you know what these things
are doing to our way of life?

I've had enough!

What are you gonna do?

You think I'm just gonna
stand around

while they destroy
my family?

We've worked
this farm and this land

for over four days.

I'm not about to let
some vape queens

take it all away
from us.

Oh, hello, Kyle!

Mr. Mackey, I need
to talk to you

about some things
going on at school.

M'kay.
Like what?

Oh, hi, Kyle!

Hey, Kyle!

We were just talking
to the counselor

about some college
opportunities.

What are you doing here?

You know what I'm doing here!

Okay, well, we really should
talk first, Kyle. No.

Mr. Mackey, there's a big
operation going on at the school.

Kyle, things have changed.
You need to listen.

Things are getting out of control... Kyle,
Kyle, just one minute. You want to hear this.

...and you need to know what's going on!
You need to hear this!

What?! We'll be right
back, Mr. Mackey.

M'kay!

Let go of me!

Kyle, listen.
It's bad.

What's bad?

The guy we tried to frame
at the vape shop.

He was the one who the sixth
graders got their shit from.

The sixth graders
are pissed at us, Kyle.

We have to break
into the vape shop

and steal enough stuff to make
the sixth graders happy.

You guys decided
to beat up the dealer.

Yeah, but the sixth graders
know you were there! How?

'Cause Eric
told them!

We are all in this
together, Kyle!

We got to rob
the vape shop,

and then we can put this
all behind us.

Please, Kyle, we still got
to pay people off.

Oh, yeah!

Hey, bitches!
Where's my mother fuckin' money?

Run!
Aah!

♪ We're not indestructible ♪

♪ Baby,
better get that straight ♪

♪ I think it's unbelievable ♪

♪ How you give in
to the hands of fate ♪

♪ One,
two, princes kneel before you ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

Randy,
where are you going?

Gonna go fight
for my children's future.

All right, you bunch
of vape-smoking pussies.

You try and take my way of life?

Time to show you some tegridy.

Tegridy?
What's tegridy?

Yeah!

Ow!

Ouch! Hey!

Hyah!
Hyah!

Owie!

Get your stupid mist
out of my fucking face!

Hey!
I like to vape.

You think I'm a pussy?

Yup.

Ow!

Wow. You're so smart to think
of a siphon, Kyle!

Just shut up
and keep pumping.

What are you kids doing?

Aw, shit!

You little hoodlums
break in through the window?

I ought to break
your little legs!

I don't think so.

Mr. Marsh.

Just what the Sam hell
you boys doing here?

All right, listen.

I should have talked
to an adult from the beginning.

Kyle,
what are you doing?

There are these three big vaping
syndicates at our school,

and these guys are one of them.
Kyle, no, no, no, no.

They had someone buying stuff
from here for them,

and then they sold it to kids.

Okay, Kyle,
I'm calling Ronan Farrow.

The sixth graders, these guys,
and Becky Thompson

are all at each other
for control of the playground.

Hello, Ronan?
Eric Cartman. Yeah, hey.

I was going to tell an adult,
but these guys said they'd stop.

So, you know Kyle? Yeah, well,
you're right about him.

It's good
you came clean, son.

It shows
that you've got --

Didn't your mommy
teach you

it doesn't pay
to mess with progress?

Yeah. She taught me
somethin' else, too.

If you're gonna fight
for your tegridy,

don't forget
to bring a towel.

Vape on this, bitch!

Yeah!

Take that, stupid vaping!

Move it, boys!
Come on! Go, go, go!

Does this mean we're out
of the vaping business, fellas?

♪ It's in you ♪

♪ It's in me ♪

♪ A little somethin'
called Tegridy ♪

Well, shit.

Looks like we made it
to another sunrise.

Oh, God. This is just gonna
get worse, isn't it?

Yup, son. I think the fight's
just startin'.

Farmers like us
are under attack.

Yupper.
We gots a lot of work to do.

We can't let 'em take
what makes us special.

Tegridy Weed
from Tegridy Farms.

Made with a little
Colorado tegridy.

Comin' soon
to a dispensary near you.

Whoa.

Yeah?

Whoa.
Yeeeah?!

I don't know
what tegridy is,

but that is some
good shit!

All right!