South Park (1997–…): Season 22, Episode 3 - The Problem with a Poo - full transcript
Mr. Hankey answers hard questions about his past comments.
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting,
"howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhm rm! ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
*SOUTH PARK*
Season 22 Episode 03
*SOUTH PARK*
Episode Title: "The Problem with a Poo"
People, it's time
we faced some hard truths.
The town is looking to us
for answers,
and all we keep doing
is burying our heads.
We need to cut the budget for
this year's Christmas pageant.
My God.
I've asked the director
of the holiday show to stop by
so we can
all give him the news.
He's not going to take
this well.
If he doesn't,
we should just let him go.
God knows it's about time.
Hey, a lot of people
like him, all right?
Yeah, and lot of people think he stinks.
Let's just get this over with.
All right, send him in.
Howwwwdy ho!
You wanted to see me?
Better hurry.
We only have two months
before Christmas!
Mr. Hankey, we called you in
to let you know that
your Christmas-pageant funding
has been cut.
By half.
What?
But I can barely make a good
Christmas show with what I have!
We just don't have the support
for the Christmas show
that we used to.
The truth is,
some people find you offensive.
Offensive?
What about me is offensive?
Some people think that shit
isn't the best representation
of Christmas.
Yeah.
You people can't do this.
Christmas is the most magical
time of the year.
The decision has already
been made.
Thank you, Mr. Hankey,
and good luck with the show.
♪♪
Okay, stop.
Kids, the song's called
"Deck the Halls,"
not "Let's All Suck Balls."
Now, come on, kids.
Why do we have to do this now?
Yeah, It's not even
Halloween yet.
Restoration Hardware put up
their Christmas decorations
two weeks ago, all right?!
Now, listen, I didn't want this, either.
I wanted the Denver Symphony.
But they cut my budget,
and I'm stuck with you.
Now, let's take it from the top!
Vice Principal Strong Woman?
Yes, PC Principal?
I was seeing
if there's anything
you... might want
to discuss with me.
What would we
need to discuss?
I am so sorry that
I took advantage of my position
and manipulated you
into a physical encounter.
Hey, I am a strong woman, all right?
I don't get manipulated.
We both are guilty
of an ill-advised relationship
at the workplace,
but that was long ago,
and I have decided to move forward.
Are you sure we can move forward?
Why not? We make a mistake,
we move forward.
I was just thinking there might still
possibly be some fallout from...
Nope. We're just gonna forget about it
and put it to rest.
You don't think there's anything else
to dis... to discuss?
No, I don't. Bye-bye.
Dude. Kyle. Dude.
- Dude.
- What?
Did you read what Mr. Hankey
tweeted last night?
What Mr. Hankey tweeted?
Yeah, I guess after band rehearsals,
he went on Twitter to talk about us.
Look.
Oh. Jesus Christ, dude.
♪ Santa Claus is on his way ♪
♪ He's loaded goodies on his sleigh ♪
♪ He'll drop 'em off on Christmas Day ♪
Mr. Hankey?
Oh, Kyle!
Howwwwwdy ho!
Mr. Hankey,
everyone's really mad at you.
Were you on Twitter last night?
Yeeeahhhh.
Did you tweet,
"The kids of South Park"
are retarded homos
who can't play music"?
Eeeeeyeeaaahhhhh.
Why would you tweet that?!
All the kids are really pissed off!
It was a bad attempt at a joke.
I'm sorry.
Will you please tell the kids
I didn't mean it?
What do you want me to say?
The fact is, I couldn't
sleep last night,
so I took some Ambien.
You ever take that stuff?
It turns your brains into oatmeal.
Please, Kyle, tell the kids
I didn't mean any harm.
We've gotta focus on Christmas!
All right, everyone, listen up.
The vice principal has asked
to speak with you today.
She believes it is time
that we all as a school
finally discussed in
vitro fertilization.
That's right, kids.
Many women today make
the choice to have children
without a man in their lives.
They can have their eggs
fertilized
by an unknown person's
sperm in a lab.
That's right, Strong Woman.
In today's society,
it is wrong to just assume
that a pregnant woman
had intercourse with a man.
St-Students at this school
need to be careful,
because it can be offensive
to asks questions like
"Who's the father?"
You... You all right, Strong Woman?
I'm fine.
So... So, we'd like
to have all our students
talk to their parents tonight
about in vitro fertilization,
and after that,
let's just put
the whole issue behind us.
That's my water breaking.
Not a big deal.
♪ Christmas time ♪
♪ It's Christmas time ♪
♪ Christmas time ♪
♪ Yeah, Christmas time ♪
Hankey!
We need to talk about
what you tweeted!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I took Ambien two nights ago,
and I called the schoolkids homos.
No, I'm talking about
what you tweeted last night.
"The city council members
are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."
Oh. Oh, geez. Did I say that?
Listen, if you're tired
and you can't sleep,
do not take Ambien.
Okay? Whew!
I'm afraid we have no other
option but to fire you
as executive planning manager
of the city council.
Fire me?
No, no, no, please.
I'm really sorry.
No, wait! Wait!
Please give me another chance.
Don't do this!
What about Christmas?
It's okay. We'll be at the hospital
soon. Just keep breathing.
I didn't need your help.
I'm just a co-worker helping
another co-worker in need.
Yeah, well, people
might get the wrong idea!
I have worked my whole life to be
the strongest woman possible...
a person little girls could look up to.
If those girls thought
that I was the type
to get knocked up by my boss...
I certainly do not want to put any
pressures on you as a female,
but at times I wonder if there
is more we should discuss.
There's nothing to discuss!
I made a mistake,
and I am moving forward!
My civil rights are under attack.
They can't just fire me
from the Christmas show!
The whole thing is my creation!
Uh, last night, you tweeted,
"The city council
can suck my Mexican dick."
It was a joke.
Look at me! I don't even have a dick!
Get it?
Okay, okay, look, I know...
It wasn't a good joke.
But it really wasn't my fault.
The fact is, I went home
last night, and I was angry.
I couldn't sleep, so I took some Ambien.
And then I started tweeting.
Ambien messes with my head.
You ever take that crap?
You want us to take this up
against Ambien?
They have the best lawyers in the world.
Well, I thought
maybe I could get them
in a defecation lawsuit.
Argh.
And I never, ever would've
said those things
about the city council,
but the Ambien makes me
kind of black out.
I'm sorry, sir, but we don't
represent pieces of shit.
Why not?
Argh.
And I just thought
maybe we could
convince the city council
to hire me back.
Look, I'm sorry,
but I learned a long time ago
that if you defend poop,
you get stained.
- Mr. Hankey?
- Oh. Kyle.
Howwwwdy ho.
What are you doing here?
Just trying to find some help.
There isn't a lawyer in town
who will take me.
Wait a minute... You!
You're the son of a lawyer.
You have lawyer blood inside your veins!
You can help me with
my defecation lawsuit, Kyle!
Me? What can I do?
Please, Kyle.
You're the only person left
who can help me.
You and me, pal,
we are gonna fight the system!
Paging Dr. Bender.
Your vice principal gave birth
to all five babies
with no epidural.
I must say,
she's a very strong woman.
That she is.
The quintuplets are all healthy
and resting away.
There are her babies
right there.
Oh, dude. Bro.
Yes, cute, little buggers, aren't they?
Three boys and two girls.
I think it's wrong to force
gender specification upon them
at this young age.
Funny. That's exactly what
their mother said.
The quints are all
Caucasian, blue-eyed,
and something kind of weird.
What's that?
Well, the babies are all extremely PC,
the likes of which I have never seen.
Watch this.
Three
black guys walk into a bar...
It's okay! It's okay! They left!
They left!
Doctor, would it be possible for me
to hold the PC Babies?
I'm sorry. That's only for
the mother and father.
Though, according to the vice principal,
the father doesn't even exist.
You guys! Hey, guys!
- I think I figured it out.
- What?
How to get
Mr. Hankey another chance.
There's by-laws in the city council
that community service leaders
can't be terminated without a hearing.
I need you guys there
as character witnesses.
N-N-Nope.
Not getting the stink on me.
He has a right to be heard.
He's meant a lot to this town.
Dude, why do you keep
defending him, Kyle?
Yeah, you know everyone in town
thinks he's a piece of shit.
Come on, guys.
We can't just turn our backs.
How many times has Mr. Hankey
been there for us?
Mmm, once, kind of?
Look, he messed up,
but I don't know if he deserves
everything that's coming down on him.
I wanna stand by my friend.
Mm, let's see how
that goes for you in 2018.
Vice Principal?
My babies!
Where are they?
Shh. It's okay.
The babies are fine.
Resting in the nursery.
They're the most...
They're the most PC babies
I've ever seen.
You shouldn't be here.
People will start getting suspicious!
Look, I was the one
who abused my position
and took advantage of
- a subordinate... Not took advantage.
- Nobody took advantage of me!
- You know what I'm saying.
- And I'm a strong woman!
All I want to do is help.
We can say I'm the manny.
And if anyone has a problem
with that,
then they have a problem
with gender biases,
and they can take it up with me!
We can keep the truth about
the babies totally hidden.
Oh, yes,
that curriculum should be fine
for the students.
I'll start working on
an all-school proposal.
Oh, yes, very good,
Vice Principal.
See that it is done by
back-to-school night.
All right, Mommy!
Your little bundles of joys are here.
Oh, and who's this.
I am the manny.
Anyone have a problem with that?
No, not at all.
Everything good here?
Aw! Are these PC babies?
And now,
live from the town courthouse,
It's the Hankey Hearings
on South Park 13.
Mr. Hankey?
14 hours ago,
did you or did you not say,
"Everyone in South Park
is a goddamn douche bag"?
Yes.
That was a bad attempt
at a Christmas joke.
But there's nothing in
that statement about Christmas.
That's was I said, it was a bad attempt.
What part of the statement
was actually...
You wanna hear
a good Christmas joke?
In 2005, you said that...
You said that
you had no recollection...
Sorry. I got the sniffles.
Mr. Hankey, do you understand
how important these statements are
to the citizens of this town?
All I understand is, it's only
eight weeks until Christmas.
If we don't stop wasting our time,
we're all gonna miss out
on the most magical part
of the whole year.
What did you mean last night
when you tweeted,
"The Mayor of South Park is
a titless whore"?
Oh, come on!
It was a joke!
That's it! That's it.
I've had enough of this
whole ♪♪♪♪ sham!
♪♪♪♪ all you
and ♪♪♪♪ this whole system!
It's Christmastime!
It's okay.
Shh.
We just need
to get some diapers.
Shh.
Oh, what adorable
little babies!
Thank you.
My, they look very PC!
Oh no, no.
They're not very PC, at all.
Aww! Look at
the PC babies!
They actually aren't PC.
No?
Did you hear Monica Lewinsky's
becoming a Republican?
The Democrats left a bad taste
in her mouth.
Oh, God. Shhhh!
No, no, no, no, no!
Shhhh!
Is everything all right?
- Oh, look! More PC babies!
- They're everywhere!
I told you we need to shop separately!
Shh! Shh.
Excuse me, where is
the Oriental food aisle?
Quiet!
There's PC babies!
Gee-whiz. Thanks for
comin' out with me, Kyle.
These days, it's like
you're my only friend.
So what's the plan, huh?
What you got figured out
to get my job back?
I had a plan.
You decided to call the mayor
a titless whore.
Oh, it was a joke, Kyle.
Sometimes, when I take Ambien,
I'm really groggy and moody
the next day.
It's a real side affect. It's
printed right on the bottle!
I don't know how
much longer I can defend you.
People are starting to think I'm shitty.
Kyle, don't you understand
this whole thing
is a smear campaign?
Why are people focusing on
a few stupid words I said
when Christmas is
just around the corner?!
It's like everyone's forgot
about what Christmas means...
Oh, my God!
Kyle! That's it! The holiday spirit!
It's October!
And that's the point!
Don't you see?
What we need to do
is get everyone in the Christmas mood!
We can bring the whole spirit
of the holidays early!
Okay, you do that.
No, no, no. Kyle, you gotta help me!
I can't do this alone.
I have homework and stuff!
You're all I have!
Even my wife left
with the nuggets
'cause of all the pressure!
- Please!
- Okay, fine!
I'll help you. But listen to me,
I don't care how restless
you get tonight.
No Ambien.
Well, maybe just a "liddol"
if I really can't sleep.
No! None!
If you want my help this time,
you aren't taking any Ambien tonight.
- That's the deal!
- Yay! It's a deal!
Oh, boy! Kyle, I'm so excited!
We're gonna bring
the spirit of Christmas
to South Park!
Aww, look at
the little PC babies!
Uh, no.
We're from Missouri.
I know a PC baby
when I see one!
Who loves social justice?
Who's the future?
Who's the big bad future?
Yes, they are.
Aww, PC babies!
All right.
Please, move along folks.
We don't want the babies to get excited.
Hello, South Park!
Come on, everybody! Get over here!
Who wants to see a miracle?!
Howwwwdy ho, everyone!
Guess what time it is?
It's Christmastime!
Ohhhhh.
♪ Deck the halls
and trim the trees ♪
♪ Christmastime is here ♪
♪ Gonna sing and flush
our worries away ♪
♪ It's the best time of the year ♪
That's right, everybody!
Who loves the holidays?
Just like when Christ was born,
let's all be with
our mothers and fathers...
Let's not forget that
boys and girls
all over the world are...
Hey! Hey, careful!
You're upsetting the PC babies!
- The PC what?
- Listen!
Christmas season means peace on earth
and good will towards men.
Uh, uh, look, what is
the holiday season about?
It's about loving each other, right?
Loving and... What?!
What are they crying
about now?
Sometimes, PC Babies
don't even know
what they're crying about.
Well, then tell the babies
to shut the up!
Who the ♪♪♪♪ brings a goddamn baby
to a Christmas show anyway?!
Mr. Hankey, stop!
Lemme go, Kyle!
These people are idiots!
Mommy, something stinks.
Yeah, like shit.
You stand up for all pieces of crap?
Asshole!
Uh-huh.
2018.
Kyle, listen.
It was 3:00 a.m. last night,
and I still hadn't slept, so I d...
Kyle! Kyle, please!
They're gonna run me
out of town, Kyle.
They're going to erase me
and everything I ever did.
You want them
to erase me, too?
Kyle...
we can all be shitty sometimes.
Uh...
They're so strong...
like their mother.
They're so PC, like...
whoever their father is.
We'll never keep them quiet.
Our only hope
is to keep them hidden.
Can they ever know that
I'm their dad?
We did the most un-PC thing
imaginable.
Think about
what that would do to them.
We can never let them know
the debaucherous,
sickening circumstances that
brought them into this world.
Then, I'll just try to be
the best principal to them
that I possibly can.
And I'll be their strongest
vice principal,
and hopefully...
the world will calm down
and not do anything to upset them.
Today...
South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey.
The longtime union of this town
and the holiday figure
is over for good.
We should all feel pretty great
about ourselves,
give ourselves a little,
nice pat on the back,
as we, as a society, continue
to try and sweep away all the poop.
Well, everyone...
I guess this is goodbye.
It sure has been swell-
No good-byes, Hankey.
You just need to go.
We've already called you a "Poober."
A Poober... They have that?
Oh, you mean Lyft.
Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone.
I hope I brought
a few smiles and a few laughs
into your hearts.
Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.
Where will he go?
He'll have to find a place
that accepts racist,
awful beings like him.
There are still places out
there
who don't care about
bigotry and hate.
Howwwwwdy ho!
Cool, man. Talking crap.
Welcome, my friend.
Please, rest your wary feet
and make yourself
at home here!
Hooray!
gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting,
"howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhm rm! ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
*SOUTH PARK*
Season 22 Episode 03
*SOUTH PARK*
Episode Title: "The Problem with a Poo"
People, it's time
we faced some hard truths.
The town is looking to us
for answers,
and all we keep doing
is burying our heads.
We need to cut the budget for
this year's Christmas pageant.
My God.
I've asked the director
of the holiday show to stop by
so we can
all give him the news.
He's not going to take
this well.
If he doesn't,
we should just let him go.
God knows it's about time.
Hey, a lot of people
like him, all right?
Yeah, and lot of people think he stinks.
Let's just get this over with.
All right, send him in.
Howwwwdy ho!
You wanted to see me?
Better hurry.
We only have two months
before Christmas!
Mr. Hankey, we called you in
to let you know that
your Christmas-pageant funding
has been cut.
By half.
What?
But I can barely make a good
Christmas show with what I have!
We just don't have the support
for the Christmas show
that we used to.
The truth is,
some people find you offensive.
Offensive?
What about me is offensive?
Some people think that shit
isn't the best representation
of Christmas.
Yeah.
You people can't do this.
Christmas is the most magical
time of the year.
The decision has already
been made.
Thank you, Mr. Hankey,
and good luck with the show.
♪♪
Okay, stop.
Kids, the song's called
"Deck the Halls,"
not "Let's All Suck Balls."
Now, come on, kids.
Why do we have to do this now?
Yeah, It's not even
Halloween yet.
Restoration Hardware put up
their Christmas decorations
two weeks ago, all right?!
Now, listen, I didn't want this, either.
I wanted the Denver Symphony.
But they cut my budget,
and I'm stuck with you.
Now, let's take it from the top!
Vice Principal Strong Woman?
Yes, PC Principal?
I was seeing
if there's anything
you... might want
to discuss with me.
What would we
need to discuss?
I am so sorry that
I took advantage of my position
and manipulated you
into a physical encounter.
Hey, I am a strong woman, all right?
I don't get manipulated.
We both are guilty
of an ill-advised relationship
at the workplace,
but that was long ago,
and I have decided to move forward.
Are you sure we can move forward?
Why not? We make a mistake,
we move forward.
I was just thinking there might still
possibly be some fallout from...
Nope. We're just gonna forget about it
and put it to rest.
You don't think there's anything else
to dis... to discuss?
No, I don't. Bye-bye.
Dude. Kyle. Dude.
- Dude.
- What?
Did you read what Mr. Hankey
tweeted last night?
What Mr. Hankey tweeted?
Yeah, I guess after band rehearsals,
he went on Twitter to talk about us.
Look.
Oh. Jesus Christ, dude.
♪ Santa Claus is on his way ♪
♪ He's loaded goodies on his sleigh ♪
♪ He'll drop 'em off on Christmas Day ♪
Mr. Hankey?
Oh, Kyle!
Howwwwwdy ho!
Mr. Hankey,
everyone's really mad at you.
Were you on Twitter last night?
Yeeeahhhh.
Did you tweet,
"The kids of South Park"
are retarded homos
who can't play music"?
Eeeeeyeeaaahhhhh.
Why would you tweet that?!
All the kids are really pissed off!
It was a bad attempt at a joke.
I'm sorry.
Will you please tell the kids
I didn't mean it?
What do you want me to say?
The fact is, I couldn't
sleep last night,
so I took some Ambien.
You ever take that stuff?
It turns your brains into oatmeal.
Please, Kyle, tell the kids
I didn't mean any harm.
We've gotta focus on Christmas!
All right, everyone, listen up.
The vice principal has asked
to speak with you today.
She believes it is time
that we all as a school
finally discussed in
vitro fertilization.
That's right, kids.
Many women today make
the choice to have children
without a man in their lives.
They can have their eggs
fertilized
by an unknown person's
sperm in a lab.
That's right, Strong Woman.
In today's society,
it is wrong to just assume
that a pregnant woman
had intercourse with a man.
St-Students at this school
need to be careful,
because it can be offensive
to asks questions like
"Who's the father?"
You... You all right, Strong Woman?
I'm fine.
So... So, we'd like
to have all our students
talk to their parents tonight
about in vitro fertilization,
and after that,
let's just put
the whole issue behind us.
That's my water breaking.
Not a big deal.
♪ Christmas time ♪
♪ It's Christmas time ♪
♪ Christmas time ♪
♪ Yeah, Christmas time ♪
Hankey!
We need to talk about
what you tweeted!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I took Ambien two nights ago,
and I called the schoolkids homos.
No, I'm talking about
what you tweeted last night.
"The city council members
are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."
Oh. Oh, geez. Did I say that?
Listen, if you're tired
and you can't sleep,
do not take Ambien.
Okay? Whew!
I'm afraid we have no other
option but to fire you
as executive planning manager
of the city council.
Fire me?
No, no, no, please.
I'm really sorry.
No, wait! Wait!
Please give me another chance.
Don't do this!
What about Christmas?
It's okay. We'll be at the hospital
soon. Just keep breathing.
I didn't need your help.
I'm just a co-worker helping
another co-worker in need.
Yeah, well, people
might get the wrong idea!
I have worked my whole life to be
the strongest woman possible...
a person little girls could look up to.
If those girls thought
that I was the type
to get knocked up by my boss...
I certainly do not want to put any
pressures on you as a female,
but at times I wonder if there
is more we should discuss.
There's nothing to discuss!
I made a mistake,
and I am moving forward!
My civil rights are under attack.
They can't just fire me
from the Christmas show!
The whole thing is my creation!
Uh, last night, you tweeted,
"The city council
can suck my Mexican dick."
It was a joke.
Look at me! I don't even have a dick!
Get it?
Okay, okay, look, I know...
It wasn't a good joke.
But it really wasn't my fault.
The fact is, I went home
last night, and I was angry.
I couldn't sleep, so I took some Ambien.
And then I started tweeting.
Ambien messes with my head.
You ever take that crap?
You want us to take this up
against Ambien?
They have the best lawyers in the world.
Well, I thought
maybe I could get them
in a defecation lawsuit.
Argh.
And I never, ever would've
said those things
about the city council,
but the Ambien makes me
kind of black out.
I'm sorry, sir, but we don't
represent pieces of shit.
Why not?
Argh.
And I just thought
maybe we could
convince the city council
to hire me back.
Look, I'm sorry,
but I learned a long time ago
that if you defend poop,
you get stained.
- Mr. Hankey?
- Oh. Kyle.
Howwwwdy ho.
What are you doing here?
Just trying to find some help.
There isn't a lawyer in town
who will take me.
Wait a minute... You!
You're the son of a lawyer.
You have lawyer blood inside your veins!
You can help me with
my defecation lawsuit, Kyle!
Me? What can I do?
Please, Kyle.
You're the only person left
who can help me.
You and me, pal,
we are gonna fight the system!
Paging Dr. Bender.
Your vice principal gave birth
to all five babies
with no epidural.
I must say,
she's a very strong woman.
That she is.
The quintuplets are all healthy
and resting away.
There are her babies
right there.
Oh, dude. Bro.
Yes, cute, little buggers, aren't they?
Three boys and two girls.
I think it's wrong to force
gender specification upon them
at this young age.
Funny. That's exactly what
their mother said.
The quints are all
Caucasian, blue-eyed,
and something kind of weird.
What's that?
Well, the babies are all extremely PC,
the likes of which I have never seen.
Watch this.
Three
black guys walk into a bar...
It's okay! It's okay! They left!
They left!
Doctor, would it be possible for me
to hold the PC Babies?
I'm sorry. That's only for
the mother and father.
Though, according to the vice principal,
the father doesn't even exist.
You guys! Hey, guys!
- I think I figured it out.
- What?
How to get
Mr. Hankey another chance.
There's by-laws in the city council
that community service leaders
can't be terminated without a hearing.
I need you guys there
as character witnesses.
N-N-Nope.
Not getting the stink on me.
He has a right to be heard.
He's meant a lot to this town.
Dude, why do you keep
defending him, Kyle?
Yeah, you know everyone in town
thinks he's a piece of shit.
Come on, guys.
We can't just turn our backs.
How many times has Mr. Hankey
been there for us?
Mmm, once, kind of?
Look, he messed up,
but I don't know if he deserves
everything that's coming down on him.
I wanna stand by my friend.
Mm, let's see how
that goes for you in 2018.
Vice Principal?
My babies!
Where are they?
Shh. It's okay.
The babies are fine.
Resting in the nursery.
They're the most...
They're the most PC babies
I've ever seen.
You shouldn't be here.
People will start getting suspicious!
Look, I was the one
who abused my position
and took advantage of
- a subordinate... Not took advantage.
- Nobody took advantage of me!
- You know what I'm saying.
- And I'm a strong woman!
All I want to do is help.
We can say I'm the manny.
And if anyone has a problem
with that,
then they have a problem
with gender biases,
and they can take it up with me!
We can keep the truth about
the babies totally hidden.
Oh, yes,
that curriculum should be fine
for the students.
I'll start working on
an all-school proposal.
Oh, yes, very good,
Vice Principal.
See that it is done by
back-to-school night.
All right, Mommy!
Your little bundles of joys are here.
Oh, and who's this.
I am the manny.
Anyone have a problem with that?
No, not at all.
Everything good here?
Aw! Are these PC babies?
And now,
live from the town courthouse,
It's the Hankey Hearings
on South Park 13.
Mr. Hankey?
14 hours ago,
did you or did you not say,
"Everyone in South Park
is a goddamn douche bag"?
Yes.
That was a bad attempt
at a Christmas joke.
But there's nothing in
that statement about Christmas.
That's was I said, it was a bad attempt.
What part of the statement
was actually...
You wanna hear
a good Christmas joke?
In 2005, you said that...
You said that
you had no recollection...
Sorry. I got the sniffles.
Mr. Hankey, do you understand
how important these statements are
to the citizens of this town?
All I understand is, it's only
eight weeks until Christmas.
If we don't stop wasting our time,
we're all gonna miss out
on the most magical part
of the whole year.
What did you mean last night
when you tweeted,
"The Mayor of South Park is
a titless whore"?
Oh, come on!
It was a joke!
That's it! That's it.
I've had enough of this
whole ♪♪♪♪ sham!
♪♪♪♪ all you
and ♪♪♪♪ this whole system!
It's Christmastime!
It's okay.
Shh.
We just need
to get some diapers.
Shh.
Oh, what adorable
little babies!
Thank you.
My, they look very PC!
Oh no, no.
They're not very PC, at all.
Aww! Look at
the PC babies!
They actually aren't PC.
No?
Did you hear Monica Lewinsky's
becoming a Republican?
The Democrats left a bad taste
in her mouth.
Oh, God. Shhhh!
No, no, no, no, no!
Shhhh!
Is everything all right?
- Oh, look! More PC babies!
- They're everywhere!
I told you we need to shop separately!
Shh! Shh.
Excuse me, where is
the Oriental food aisle?
Quiet!
There's PC babies!
Gee-whiz. Thanks for
comin' out with me, Kyle.
These days, it's like
you're my only friend.
So what's the plan, huh?
What you got figured out
to get my job back?
I had a plan.
You decided to call the mayor
a titless whore.
Oh, it was a joke, Kyle.
Sometimes, when I take Ambien,
I'm really groggy and moody
the next day.
It's a real side affect. It's
printed right on the bottle!
I don't know how
much longer I can defend you.
People are starting to think I'm shitty.
Kyle, don't you understand
this whole thing
is a smear campaign?
Why are people focusing on
a few stupid words I said
when Christmas is
just around the corner?!
It's like everyone's forgot
about what Christmas means...
Oh, my God!
Kyle! That's it! The holiday spirit!
It's October!
And that's the point!
Don't you see?
What we need to do
is get everyone in the Christmas mood!
We can bring the whole spirit
of the holidays early!
Okay, you do that.
No, no, no. Kyle, you gotta help me!
I can't do this alone.
I have homework and stuff!
You're all I have!
Even my wife left
with the nuggets
'cause of all the pressure!
- Please!
- Okay, fine!
I'll help you. But listen to me,
I don't care how restless
you get tonight.
No Ambien.
Well, maybe just a "liddol"
if I really can't sleep.
No! None!
If you want my help this time,
you aren't taking any Ambien tonight.
- That's the deal!
- Yay! It's a deal!
Oh, boy! Kyle, I'm so excited!
We're gonna bring
the spirit of Christmas
to South Park!
Aww, look at
the little PC babies!
Uh, no.
We're from Missouri.
I know a PC baby
when I see one!
Who loves social justice?
Who's the future?
Who's the big bad future?
Yes, they are.
Aww, PC babies!
All right.
Please, move along folks.
We don't want the babies to get excited.
Hello, South Park!
Come on, everybody! Get over here!
Who wants to see a miracle?!
Howwwwdy ho, everyone!
Guess what time it is?
It's Christmastime!
Ohhhhh.
♪ Deck the halls
and trim the trees ♪
♪ Christmastime is here ♪
♪ Gonna sing and flush
our worries away ♪
♪ It's the best time of the year ♪
That's right, everybody!
Who loves the holidays?
Just like when Christ was born,
let's all be with
our mothers and fathers...
Let's not forget that
boys and girls
all over the world are...
Hey! Hey, careful!
You're upsetting the PC babies!
- The PC what?
- Listen!
Christmas season means peace on earth
and good will towards men.
Uh, uh, look, what is
the holiday season about?
It's about loving each other, right?
Loving and... What?!
What are they crying
about now?
Sometimes, PC Babies
don't even know
what they're crying about.
Well, then tell the babies
to shut the up!
Who the ♪♪♪♪ brings a goddamn baby
to a Christmas show anyway?!
Mr. Hankey, stop!
Lemme go, Kyle!
These people are idiots!
Mommy, something stinks.
Yeah, like shit.
You stand up for all pieces of crap?
Asshole!
Uh-huh.
2018.
Kyle, listen.
It was 3:00 a.m. last night,
and I still hadn't slept, so I d...
Kyle! Kyle, please!
They're gonna run me
out of town, Kyle.
They're going to erase me
and everything I ever did.
You want them
to erase me, too?
Kyle...
we can all be shitty sometimes.
Uh...
They're so strong...
like their mother.
They're so PC, like...
whoever their father is.
We'll never keep them quiet.
Our only hope
is to keep them hidden.
Can they ever know that
I'm their dad?
We did the most un-PC thing
imaginable.
Think about
what that would do to them.
We can never let them know
the debaucherous,
sickening circumstances that
brought them into this world.
Then, I'll just try to be
the best principal to them
that I possibly can.
And I'll be their strongest
vice principal,
and hopefully...
the world will calm down
and not do anything to upset them.
Today...
South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey.
The longtime union of this town
and the holiday figure
is over for good.
We should all feel pretty great
about ourselves,
give ourselves a little,
nice pat on the back,
as we, as a society, continue
to try and sweep away all the poop.
Well, everyone...
I guess this is goodbye.
It sure has been swell-
No good-byes, Hankey.
You just need to go.
We've already called you a "Poober."
A Poober... They have that?
Oh, you mean Lyft.
Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone.
I hope I brought
a few smiles and a few laughs
into your hearts.
Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.
Where will he go?
He'll have to find a place
that accepts racist,
awful beings like him.
There are still places out
there
who don't care about
bigotry and hate.
Howwwwwdy ho!
Cool, man. Talking crap.
Welcome, my friend.
Please, rest your wary feet
and make yourself
at home here!
Hooray!