South Park (1997–…): Season 21, Episode 6 - Sons A Witches - full transcript

At the annual Halloween get together, a witch casts a spell that terrorizes everyone.

_

♪ I want candy

What time are the other guys
getting there?

Everyone just said sundown,
which should be soon.

♪ I want candy
♪ I want candy

♪ I want candy

[ Horn honks ]
♪ I want candy

♪ I want candy

Lookin' good, Ryan!

Yeah, I got a real cape
this year.

Check it out!



♪ Hey

Hey, Sharon, did you see
the box of Jack Daniels?

Oh, no. You're not
doing this again.

What do you mean?
Of course I am.

Stan wanted us to take him
to the pumpkin patch.

Sharon, you know
the week leading up to Halloween

is always my Witch Party Week
with the guys.

Yeah, and you guys
get wasted.

We have some drinks.

Come on.
All the other guys' wives

aren't being bitchy
about it.

♪♪
[ Horn honks ]

Sup, witches?!

All right!
Randy's got the J.D.!



Yep. Who's got
the other stuff?

Kevin says
he's bringing it.

[ Chuckles ]

[ All chuckling ]

[ Quietly ] Come on.
Come on.

[ Normal voice ] Sweetheart,
can we get going, please?

Heidi:
Hang on, babe!

Just a couple
more things.

Honey, the pumpkin patch
opened like an hour ago

and 'member how
I was saying

I want to get there early?

What do you think?

Great. Perfect. Let's go
to the pumpkin patch.

Yup! Almost ready.

Wha-What?

Okay, spider
or the bat?

The spider's great.

Really? 'Cause I think
I like the bat.

[ Quietly ] Why does she
do this every time?

What, babe? [ Normal voice
] I said it's time...

Boy, look at the time.
'Kay, all set!

'Kay, here we go, going
to the pumpkin patch.

Okay! Oh! I forgot
my glitter lip gloss!

You don't need
glitter lip gloss!

Eric, are you upset?

Do you need to talk
about something?

No! No, we don't
need to talk!

I'm super happy!

Oh, okay.

Hang on,
I got to pee.

Cool. You got to pee again.
Awesome.

Almost thought you guys
were gonna bail on us!

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, right.

We're gonna miss
the first night of the party.

'Sup, Steven, Chip.

Just ready to
party farty, witches.

Well, I got the Jack.

And I got
the crack!

Oh, yeah! Jack and Crack
Witch Week.

Let's do this!

Everybody
up the hill!

All:
♪ Everybody have fun tonight

♪ Jack and Crack
Witch Week tonight ♪

♪ Everybod...

Thanks for taking
the kids out, Ms. Cartman.

Heidi's been
looking forward to it.

Oh, yes, my little Eric
just loves the pumpkin patch.

It's one of his favorite events
of the year!

Okay, come on!
Let's go!

All right.
You kids all ready?

Yup, all set
to go to the pumpkin patch.

It's been open
for over an hour now!

Oh, don't you
look cute, Heidi!

Awesome. Here we go.
Heading out now.

Hold on, Eric.
I want a picture.

No. Pumpkin patch is gonna
Will you take a picture, Dad?

See, all the best pumpkins
get taken, and then...

Heidi's Dad:
Cheese!

Okay. Come on.
Here we go, going out the door.

Go, Mom.

Bye, Daddy!
Love you!

'Kay, here we go
to the pumpkin patch!

Oh, crap. Hang on.
I forgot my bracelet!

Oh, my [BLEEP] God.

Eric, potty mouth.

Arghghgh!

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

All: [ Chanting ] Put a spell on our
bosses, put a spell on our wives.

A hex on the Patriots,
let's [BLEEP] up their lives!

And screw
the Raiders, too!

All: Yeah!

[ Cheering,
indistinct chatter ]

[ Chuckles ] No way!

Check out Stephen,
you guys!

[ Chuckles ]
Happy Witch Week!

[ Grunts ]

[ Chuckling ]

Hey, hey!
[ Music stops ]

You guys want to see
some real witchcraft?

Ooooh.

[ Laughter ]

I mean it!

I got this spell book
last month.

Got it in
Salem, Massachusetts.

They say it's real.

Like from the devil himself.

[ Thunder crashes ]

You guys want to try it?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey!
Wait up, babe.

Hey, where
you been, Eric?!

Oh, boy! What
a great time that was!

Thanks for coming,
kids.

Oh, you just
getting here?

Yes, we are
just getting here.

Okay, go on in, I suppose.
Petting zoo's closed,

and I think they stopped
the churro machine.

The petting zoo's cl...
The petting zoo is closed?

Yeah, you can still maybe
do the bouncy house.

Come on, babe!

Arkna...
Pedooim... Uthnod borall.

That's pretty cool.

Uthnod borall!
Uthnod alverndaraal!

Wickus... stayfallo...

Uh.

Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ah!
Oh, it burns!

Okay, Chip.

You might need to ease up
on the crack there, buddy.

[ Screaming ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

I'll kill you all!

Kill you all!

[ Explosions, screaming ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Laughs ] You'll all be dead
by Halloween!

Get out!
Everyone out!

What do you mean?!
I just got here!

There's a witch!

[ Laughs evilly ]

Come on, Eric!

No! I missed it!
I missed it all!

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Yells ]
[ Laughing continues ]

[ Yawns ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh, hey.
Didn't see you there.

Did you hear anything
about what happened last night?

Uh... no.
What Happened?

Your buddy, Chip Duncan?

Apparently he flew around
on a broom,

blew things up
and kidnapped some children.

Are you serious?!

You heard nothing
about this?!

He flew away vowing we'd
all be dead by Halloween.

God, I knew that guy
was a [BLEEP] chode.

Randy, what did you guys do
at that party?

Nothin'.

We were just hangin' out
and talkin' and stuff,

and then Chip
got all weird.

People were hurt!

Yeah, I agree...
It's awful!

We're not like Chip, okay?
He's a bad witch!

Did any of you guys
actually see the witch?!

Yeah, it was
terrifying.

She had a broom
and a cackle and everything.

What are we
gonna do, guys?

Our parents are never
gonna let us trick-or-treat

with a witch
flying around!

They say she blew up
the pumpkin patch.

Did any of you guys
see that?

No, I missed
the whole thing.

I always try to get to the
pumpkin patch really early.

Yeah, I got there
early, too.

You get the best pumpkins
that way.

Anyways, I guess the witch
destroyed the whole thing.

Stan: We got to take matters into
our own hands. None of us are safe.

Yeah, but what
are we gonna do?

Kyle: No, we got to just hope
the police will handle it.

Yeah right, like they'll
handle anything.

Stan's right.
This might fall on us.

Yeah, we got to
save Halloween.

Don't you
think so, Eric?

What?

We got to do something
to get rid of her!

Yes.
You're right, guys.

It's my only way out.

All right. See you, Sharon.
Have a good night!

Where do you think
you're going?

What do you mean?

It's day two of Witch Week
with the guys.

You can't possibly be
considering doing this again!

Why not?

Randy a real with is flying around
in the sky snatching children!

I don't think
this is the best time

for you to be wearing
a witch costume and partying.

Ugh. Gah! Just because
of one bad witch,

we're supposed
to stop a tradition

that goes back
twenty-some-odd years?!

Jesus!

Hey, Randy.

'Sup, guys?

You know, just getting
a bunch of shit

for being witches.

I know, right?!

It's like there's
one awful witch

who wants
to kill everybody,

so now they're coming after
all of us!

This is like
a witch... thingie.

It's like a witch
pursuit thingie!

A witch... uh...

It's a witch
chase and shoot 'em up!

Yeah, that's
what it is!

Hey, what the hell
is this?

Randy: Park closed
until further notice.

That's bullshit!

Oh, my God!

They can't do this.

The whole town really is
on a witch pursuit thing.

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Woman screams ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Screaming ]

Check this out,
you guys.

It says that
to destroy a witch,

you need bent pits,
nine in all,

each bent into an "L" shape.

What are bent pits?

Hey, guys!
I think I got it figured out!

You do?

I knew Eric would come up
with a plan!

Okay, first of all,
we need a scary place

to lure her into.

What is the creepiest place
in town?

Ross Dress for Less.
That's right.

Stan and Kyle will wait inside
the Ross Dress for Less

and I will
bring Heidi there.

Once inside,
Kenny and Butters

will set off a series
of explosions that will...

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What the
[BLEEP] are you talking about?

This is how we're going
to get rid of Heidi.

Nobody's talking about
getting rid of Heidi!

You guys said you would help me
get rid of her!

Of the witch!

Who cares about a witch?!

My life is a living hell,
you guys!

Then break up with her!

You clearly can't stand her.
Let the poor girl go!

I've tried!
It's impossible!

Heidi's a nice girl.
How can you be so awful to her?!

You don't understand. She has no
time-management skills whatsoever.

You don't know 'cause you've
never had a girlfriend, Kyle!

Fine.
Just leave me to suffer.

Next time you want me
to kill someone for you,

just forget about it.

Students and parents,

I know that you are
all concerned about the witch

who is preying upon our town.

And I want to speak to you all

about how to try
and protect yourselves.

But first,

some gentlemen
have asked to speak

on what they perceive to be
a "witch pursuit thing."

Oh, wait, I'm supposed
to be actually over...

Yeah, you go over
there, Stewart.

Right, right,
right, right.

All: ♪ We're all
on the same side, you and I ♪

♪ Let's all stick togetha,
let's try ♪

♪ When things are going bad

♪ And there's people
you need to confront ♪

♪ Just be sure it doesn't turn
into a witch pursuit thing ♪

[ Others vocalizing ] Hey, guys. There's
good witches and there's bad witches,

And we stand with you

in saying this particular witch
needs to be brought down.

But that doesn't mean
we should all be closing parks.

And stopping
all witch activity because...

All: ♪ Let's not turn this
into a witch pursuit thing ♪

Dad, get outta here!

We're trying to deal
with an actual witch.

Nobody's coming after you!

Yes, they are, boys!

And next
they'll be coming after you!

'Cause you're all
little sons a witches.

Right,
you don't have to worry

about us going around
snatching children.

Only the other witch
does that.

Hey, babe.
Oh, hey, Eric.

Listen, there's a big fun
costume party tonight

and I was thinking
you and me should go.

What do you say?

A costume party?
With everything that's going on?

Yeah, I just think, you know,
we need to let off some steam

and have a little Halloween fun,
you know?

I already have our costumes
picked out.

Well... I guess.

Cool, I'll come pick you up
at 5:00!

Well, maybe make it 4:30
if you're bringing the costumes.

I might need a little extra time
to get ready.

Oh, I'm counting on it.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Randy, can I talk to you?

Sure, Stephen.

I've been doing
a lot of thinking, Randy.

About the past.
About what we've done.

I think
it's time we come clean

and tell everyone
about the crack.

And the spells
against our wives.

Okay, look,
you're freaked out.

It's understandable.

I have to admit
what I've done wrong, Randy!

I feel like
everything's crashing down

and I want Linda to hear it
from me first.

Okay, we smoked
a little crack...

We put harmless spells
on our wives.

We were
just messing around.

It was harmless fun!

Was it?

Or did we close our eyes to
what Chip Duncan was becoming?

Stephen, you can't turn
on your own kind.

That's what these
witch pursuit thingies do, okay?

They make everyone go crazy.

I'm sorry, Randy.

I have to clear
my conscience.

[ Sighs ]
All right, Stephen.

At least give us
till tomorrow morning

to talk to our wives
and prepare them, all right?

Can you just give us
till morning?

Yeah, sure.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's okay.

Hey, it's Randy.

We've got until
tomorrow morning

to sacrifice Stephen
to the devil.

I'll explain later,
just get everyone together.

And maybe bring
just a little bit of crack.

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Owl hoots ]

[ Wings flutter ]

Don't you think we should stay
on the main roads, Eric?

This seems like
a bad place to be right now.

Don't worry Heidi, this is
the fastest way to the party.

I'm sure the witch
won't even notice us!

[ Bird screeches ]

Eric, come on,
this is a bad idea.

Let's turn around.

Well, Heidi,
if we'd been on time

we wouldn't need
to take a short cut,

but I wanted to give you
your space to get ready.

Is that
what this is about?

You're still mad about
the pumpkin patch, aren't you?

Why would I be mad?

You wanted to make sure
you looked right

and then had to eat
and use the bathroom 40 times.

I can't blame you for missing
the pumpkin patch.

I didn't use the bathroom
40 times!

[ Evil laughter ]

What was that!?

[ Leaves rustle ]

Eric! Did you hear that?!

Eric?!

Eric!

Oh, my God!
Eric, are you okay?!

Well, well,
what have we here?

Sweet. Come on...
Come on...

Dude, is your dad home?

No.
I don't know where he is.

We can't find our dads
either!

Yeah, and it turns out
our dads and the bad witch

were all part of the same witch group!
We asked our moms,

and they said this has been
going on for years.

We gotta find them before
something even stupider happens.

How are we gonna do that?!
There's another guy.

Someone else who was
in the witch's club

but hasn't been around for a while.
Who?

♪♪

Mr. President,

you have an urgent call
from a Butters Stotch.

Butters?
What's he want?

This is the President.

Oh, uh, hello,
Mr. President, how are you?

Butter him up,
Butters.

How... How is running
the country goin'?

Oh, it's fine. You know, just
making the country great again.

Did you get rid of all
the immigrants like you said?

I got rid of, like,
six of 'em so far...

You know it's little harder
than I thought.

Cool, and did you build that
big wall you were gonna build?

Don't be a dick, Butters.

Are you just calling
to shit on my Halloween?

No, sir!
I... Well, the thing is...

Didn't you used to do J and C
Witch Week with our dads?

Yeah, it was
my favorite time of year.

Now I just have to
celebrate it alone.

Well, the thing is,
Mr. President,

one of the guys did a spell

and took a bunch of children
and he's gonna eat 'em all.

Lemme guess...
Chip Duncan.

Oh, that guy
was always such a douche.

Mr. President,
please, you gotta help.

Our dads can't do anything
'cause they're scared

people are coming
after all witches.

Coming after all witches?!

Oh, geez...

♪♪

So you were there
when witch showed up

and took your girlfriend?

Yes, it just came
outta nowhere.

I tried to save Heidi,
but it was too late.

What was your girlfriend
wearing?

She was dressed kinda like me

but had a simple
Munich dirndl from Germany.

And you didn't stop at all

to think that what you were
doing might attract the witch?

Excuse me?

Are you actually trying
to blame the victim here?!

I'm just saying that if
there's a big fat witch around,

maybe you shouldn't
walk through the woods

dressed
as Hansel and Gretel.

Ohhh!

Whoa, whoa. Not cool, Rick.
Not cool!

I will have your badge, sir!

Sorry, folks, sorry.

Detective! Detective!
Call just came in.

The witch has been spotted
at Ross Dress for Less!

Everyone to
Ross Dress for Less now!

Guys?
I'm here...

Guys?

What's this all about?

Hello, Stephen.

Oh, hey.
What are we meeting here for?

It's too late, Stephen.
We called the police.

We know
you took those children.

What?!
What... What are you doing?

[ Sirens wailing ]
Here he is, everybody!

Stephen's a bad witch!

No!

We're putting a stop to you,
Stephen!

Because that's
what good witches do!

Oh, my God.
I see what this is.

This witch pursuit thing has you
on a witch pursuit thing now!

[ Sirens chirp ]

[ Tires screech ]

I'm innocent! Please!

It's over, Stotch!

What have you done
with the children?

No, don't you see?!

They're just doing their own
witch pursuit thingy now.

This is madness!

[ Evil laughter ]

Hey, wassup, bros?

"Wassup bros"?!

Chip, do you see
all the chaos you've caused?

Yeah, so? I'm a witch.

[ Scoffs ]
You understand

everyone associates us
with you, right?

Of course they do.
You're all witches too, dudes!

Not like you!

What'd you do
with the children?

They're all in here!
See?

Children: Daddy! Mommy! Daddy!
[ Screaming ]

I'm going to use their souls
to increase my power!

[ Airplane whirring ]

Look! Another witch
is flying down now!

[ "Hail to the Chief" plays ]

Butters, come on!
We got to go!

Okay! Where?

I guess our witches were gonna
sacrifice your witch,

but then the bad witch showed up and
now the witch we called just arrived!

There's witches everywhere!
Holy moly!

Look, Chip, if we had known
you were gonna hurt people

we would have
never even hung out.

Oh, gimme a break, Randy.
No, seriously.

Like if one of you guys
had the power I have

you wouldn't use it.

We wouldn't!

Excuse me... Chip what
the [BLEEP] are you doing?

Oh, hey, man!

You're ruining the party
for everyone, Chip,

I'm here to take you out.

[ Laughs evilly ]

You'll never stop me!

I grow more powerful
every moment!

You wanna see real power?

All right, take the shot.

[ Beeping ]

[ Zap! ]

[ Cheering ]

I'm free!

Mommy! Daddy!

Is that all of em?

There's one more
little girl!

Come on out,
little girl!

Heidi:
Okay! Just a second!

Come on little girl,
everyone's waitin' on ya.

Okay! Almost ready.
Hang on.

[ Sighs ]
It's gonna be a while.

Well, we did it guys!

Everyone'll be stoked
on us now!

Hey! And there's still
a few nights left

of Jack and Crack
Witch Week!

Everybody follow me!

I've got tons of Jack,
tons of crack, and a jet!

[ Cheering ]

- Party's back on!
- We did it, guys!

Don't wait up, Sharon!

I'm gonna party with
El Presidente.

All ready
to trick or treat?!

Yeah, no, I've been ready
for a couple hours now.

Cool, I just wanna put on
some lip gloss.

Do these stockings go
with this outfit?

I thought maybe
I should use the red ones...

Is it cold out?

You think I should put
a hoodie on over this?

Nah, covers up my costume
too much, don't you think?

Okay, all ready.

Oh, wait! Hang on.

I can't decide if I should
wear leggings or not.

Is it gonna be cold?
Shall I ...

Excuse me? Are you actually
trying to blame the victim here?!

I'm just saying that if
there's a big fat witch around,

maybe you shouldn't
walk through the woods

dressed as Hansel and Gretel.
Ohhh!

Whoa, whoa. Not cool, Rick.
Not cool!

I will have your badge, sir!

Sorry, folks, sorry.