South Park (1997–…): Season 21, Episode 5 - Hummels & Heroin - full transcript

♪♪

♪ I'm goin' down to South
Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
*SOUTH PARK*
Season 21 Episode 05

Episode Title: "Hummels & Heroin"



Okay! Okay!
Can everyone hear me? Hello?

Thanks, everyone, for helping
us celebrate Marcus' birthday.

As a special birthday
surprise for you, Marcus,

we got you your favorite entertainer.

Everyone, please
welcome Chuck E. Cheese!

Hey... Check. Check.

Yes! Yes!

♪♪ Guitar plays...

Thanks...
celeb... Marcus' birthday...

What's wrong with him?

Can't you tell?
He's high on painkillers!

Ugh. Ugh. Hold on.

Shit.

Okay, let's...
Let's do this.



♪ I never meant to
cause you any so... ♪

All right, kids...

Uh, why don't we head back
to the party and cut the cake?

I don't want cake!

Who could eat cake at a time
like this?!

Another drug overdose?

Most likely.

Percocet and OxyContin

found wrapped in his cheese cloth.

Prescription drugs but
with no prescription.

You guys know where all these
illegal meds are coming from?

Most likely from the prisons.

Whenever there's
a drug epidemic,

you can usually trace it
back to people who've been

thrown away by society
and forgotten about.

♪ [ Rapping ] All day,
I sat in my cell ♪

♪ Just stressing, sitting back,
reading my mail ♪

♪ Reminiscing about
the good times I had ♪

♪ Trying to relive
all the good memories I have ♪

♪ Hate the sound it makes
when they close the gates ♪

♪ Wake up at 6:00
to eat nasty cornflakes ♪

♪♪

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm here to visit my grandpa.

Oh, how nice of you.

All right. Arms in the air.

What's the present?

Just some Hummels.

More Hummels?

Why are senior citizens
so infatuated

with these little German statues?

All right. Go on.
You got 10 minutes.

♪ They call you in the morning
and you gotta get up ♪

♪ Play dice, old timers
gonna teach you about life ♪

♪ Get religious, start reading
about Christ, pray to God ♪

♪ Feels like I'm living in hell,
but I'm stuck in a cell ♪

♪♪

- Grandpa?
- Billy!

Finally you're here
to visit.

Did you bring grandpa
a present?

Yeah I got
what you wanted.

Aw, Merry Wanderer
and Happy Traveler?

These Hummels suck!

That's what
the guy gave me!

It's okay, Billy.

I'm just gonna need you
to deliver another one

of Ms. McGullicutty's crochet pillows.

Aw, come on, Grandpa!

Isn't it enough I come to visit?

You don't understand
how it works in here!

Ms. McGullicutty is top bitch.

You do what she says
or you pay the price.

♪♪

♪♪

No, please,
I-I don't want no trouble!

I'm sorry!
I'll get better Hummels!

Dude, Stan!
Come on, dude.

We're gonna go set off
fireworks at Kenny's house.

I will. I just got to do
this for my grandpa first.

Again?!

Dude, how many crappy crochet pillows
do you have to give out for him?

I don't know. It's what he wants.

I feel bad for him, all
right? I think he's miserable.

He's old. He's supposed to be miserable.

Look, I just got to make
this exchange for him

and then we can go. Oh,
oh, I think this is her now.

Are you Stan Marsh?

It's me, Swiper.

Cool. Do you have the Hummel?

This is it.

Ride into Christmas. Limited Edition.

Now give me the pillow.

I have to get
to a birthday party.

'Kay, fine.

All right. Peace!

Dude, that's really weird.

Old people love Hummels, dude.

Students, faculty, and staff,

today, we are facing an epidemic
of catastrophic proportions.

I know I am not alone
in mourning the loss

of one our greatest
entertainers, Chuck E. Cheese.

Had we known the personal hell
he was going through,

perhaps we could have helped.

But too many
were more than eager

to supply Chuck E.
With the opioids

that caused his untimely death.

Chuck E. was not the first
entertainer in our community

to die from this epidemic.

Let us not forget

Dinkie Dook the clown,

dead of a Roxanol overdose

at Tommy Schneider's
bar mitzvah last March,

Shimmer and Shine,
who both collapsed

from massive amounts of
oxycodone in their systems

at Nelly Anderson's birthday party,

Spiderman, cut down in
his prime by Demerol,

and just recently, Swiper the Fox,

dead of multiple opioids found
inside his crochet pillow.

How many more entertainers
must we lose

before we take action?!

It is time to declare war
on opioids in our society!

Dude, what the Stan?!

I didn't know, all right?!

You didn't know you were
slinging drugs for your grandpa?

It didn't occur to me as a possibility.

Dude, did you hear everyone in school?

They're coming after you.

You killed Swiper the Fox,

and we were standing there
with you!

You got to tell people we
had no idea what was going on!

I had no idea
what was going on!

Hey, fellas!

Boy, that Marcus kid
is on the warpath, huh?

He's really motivated.

I mean, screw that kid,
but I guess it's good

somebody's finally doing something
about these goddamn drug dealers.

Well, see ya, fellas!

Our only way out is to
go to the police right now

and turn Stan's grandpa in!

No, we don't have to do that.

Let me go talk to him.
I can put a stop to this.

Grandpa, what
the hell have you gotten me into?

Shh!
Quiet, they'll hear you!

There were drugs in the
crochet pillow, weren't there?

Do you know people are dying?!

What do you want me to do, Billy?

You see Mrs. McGullicutty over there?

Whoever has
the best Hummel collection

is top bitch in this place,
and she's got the best.

She's ruthless, and she
has those old lady farts.

You know old lady farts,
right?

Where they're so loose they don't
even acknowledge they happened?

Oh, hello, Mr. Marsh.

Oh! Mrs.
McGullicutty. How are you feeling today?

I'm doing very well.

Have they given you Percocet
for that knee of yours?

Oh, uh, yeah, here. I just got it.

Here you go.

Oh, you'd almost think

you were trying
to keep them from me.

Oh, uh, ma'am?

My grandpa actually
really needs those drugs.

He's in a lot of pain.

Ooh, and who is this little rascal?

That's just my grandson.
He... He's worthless.

How sweet.

Hmm? Coming to visit your
old papa in the joint, huh?

You love your papa, don't you?

You'd hate to see him suffer
even more than he already is.

You watch your ass, Marsh,

or I'll have you sent
to the quiet room.

Wh... What is she talking
about? What's the quiet room?

I told you... She has
all the pull in here.

You go against what she says,
you end up in solitaire.

No.
No, please! I-I didn't do anything!

It's all right, Mr. Standish.

You just need a little quiet time.

I don't even know how to
play solitaire! Please!

I understand that, today, they are
performing Chuck E. Cheese's autopsy?

Oh the kid's party performer, yeah.

As a concerned member of the
public, I wish to be present.

Uh, sorry, children aren't
really allowed in autopsies.

Then I shall wait here to
learn the coroner's findings!

Toxicology report shows subject

had massive amounts of opioids
in system at time of death.

Now proceeding.

Have these put in the garbage.

What did you find, coroner?

Who is this?

There is an epidemic
in our community, sir!

Some of us actually care
to confront the problem.

Now, damn it, what did you find?

Nothing out of the ordinary.

The subject died of a simple overdose.

We found nothing else
except for two Hummels

in the subject's rectal cavity.

Hummels? In his rectal cavity,
you say,

and you do not find this
'out of the ordinary'?

Not at all.

We've found Hummels
in nearly all

the birthday entertainer's
anal cavities.

It's very common in
our overdose victims.

Hmm...

A bit too common,
don't you think?

Guys, why does grandpa have
to be in the nursing home?

Can't he live with us again?

Stan,
grandpa has a lot of needs

that we can't provide him here.

He needs professional supervision.

Is that really it? Because I-I just
feel like we kind of threw grandpa away

- and forgot about him.
- Oh, really?

Do you have any idea
how much money we pay

to have grandpa in that place?

Your grandpa is styling.

Can you imagine being able
to just sit around all day

and not have to do anything
but eat and watch TV?

Yeah, I'd probably go crazy
and want to kill myself.

Jesus, Stan, it's not like he's in jail.

Yeah, it's kind of like jail.

You should go visit him.

I can't.

I'm too busy busting my ass

to pay the bills for that place

and to pay for your guitar lessons.

I don't have guitar lessons.

I don't want to go
there. It's depressing.

Aw, you tricked me.

Hello?

Dude! Did you give Butters
a crochet pillow to drop off?

Dude,
I don't have a choice.

I have to get the
Hummels for my grandpa.

Well, you need to get Hummels

without making Butters a drug dealer.

Drug dealer?!

All right. All right.

I think I know another way.

♪ They got
me locked up in here ♪

♪ [ Rapping ]
They got me locked up in here ♪

♪ And I'm sitting, doin' hard time ♪

♪ Pissin' in a metal bowl ♪

♪ Eatin' shit from a lunch line ♪

♪ They got me locked up ♪

♪ In here, nobody
knows you by your name ♪

♪ You just a number ♪

♪ Livin' under bitch-ass
rules of a broken game ♪

♪ They put me here to die,
left me angry and alone ♪

♪ For the crime of being old ♪

♪ They threw me in
this nursing home ♪

♪ They got me locked up in here ♪

♪ Rotting in my cell ♪

♪ They got me fake
plants and waterfalls ♪

♪ It's a living hell ♪

♪ They got me locked up in here ♪

♪ So they can throw
away their troubles ♪

♪ All that I have now are
my little German Hummels ♪

♪ Hummels, Hummels,
Hummels, Hummels ♪

♪ They got me ♪

♪ Brand new bitch was
just admitted next door ♪

♪ Hot piece of ass
'cause she's only 84 ♪

♪ Next bingo night, I'll pound
that pussy black and blue ♪

♪ As long as I can get her
before Tommy's grandpa do ♪

♪ They got me ♪

♪ Man, I can't handle these
old-people activities ♪

♪ Tour group on a bus,
children come to sing to us ♪

♪ 3:00 p.m. canasta, They
put me out to pasture ♪

♪ Death row stops this, I
think they call it hospice ♪

♪ Hospice... ♪

Hey, we have this week's
delivery of medications.

Bring 'em in!

Aah!

Hello, Mr. Marsh.

Oh, he-hey, Marcus.

I understand you've become

quite the Hummel collector lately.

What's the fascination with Hummels?

Nothing. I... Look, I just
really like Hummels, okay?

I'm just... I'm really into Hummels.

Ah. I see.
So then you should be able

to tell me what this Hummel is called.

That... That's, uh...

Come on! If you're a Hummel expert,
then you should know it's name!

It's... It's Whistling in the Rain.

Wrong! It's called Stormy Weather.

- Do you know where it was found?
- No.

It was found deep in the
anus of one Chuck E. Cheese,

the renowned entertainer
beloved by millions!

If you know something
about the epidemic

that is killing artists,
then you better cough it up.

Marcus, trust me,
you don't want to get involved.

I became involved
when Chuck E. Cheese

collapsed like a rag
doll before my very eyes!

If you had any involvement,
I will bring you down!

Well, it was really
great seeing you, Dad.

Guess we oughta hit the road soon.

You finally come to visit
and leave after 10 minutes.

Oh, Jesus, now we know

where Stan gets his guilt trips from.

Mmmm.

It seems somebody's been
a little naughty lately.

Oh, Mrs. McGullicutty,

how are you?

Mmmm.

My,
what a lovely Hummel collection

you're starting to amass.

Almost smells brand new, doesn't it?

Like it was purchased
right from the factory.

Ooh, and who are these lovely people?

Family that came to visit, no doubt?

Yes. Yeah,
we love coming here.

Ah, family.

I remember
when I was a little girl.

My brother used to
play such tricks on me.

Try to fool me.

Try to get out from
his responsibilities.

I'm giving you Hummels.

What's it matter where they come from?

Oh.

It doesn't matter to me,
but it matters to them.

The big guys.

You see, what they want is
more people who are addicted.

To crochet pillows.

Got it?

Nice to meet you fine folks.

We're never
visiting here again.

Oh, ho! You're dead, Butters!

Aw, geez.

Guys! Guys, I need your help!

If it has to do with your
heroin operation, count us out.

I just talked to my grandpa.

There's more at work here than
just old people pushing pills.

Stan, we told you we
don't want to be involved.

The head bitch of the nursing home

is gonna take my grandpa down...

Maybe my whole family!

Get outta the way, dude!

But I know what to do!

Whoever has the best Hummels
controls the nursing home.

We gotta steal this
lady's Hummel collection

and give it to my grandpa.

Dude, Stan,
even if we wanted to help you,

which we don't, there's no way

We can sneak into
an old folks home,

distract all the old people,

and take an old lady's Hummels.

Oh, wait, there totally
is a way you could do that.

Yeah? What... What is it, Cartman?

Dude, we're not getting involved!

Cartman, if you have
an idea, please tell me.

I need you.

I know how to distract old people.

Aw, shit.

Yes?

We're at Mimi Thompson's party.

Peppa Pig just collapsed on stage!

Oh, my God! Don't let anyone
near Peppa Pig until I arrive!

Move aside! Let me through!

Aw, Peppa. Peppa, can you hear me?

My name is Marcus Preston.
Can you understand me?

Where did you get the drugs, Peppa?

Was it from Stan Marsh?

Yo, man, what you talkin' 'bout?

Get me a ambulance.

Shh! Peppa, focus.

Soon you'll be in Heaven,

jumping in all the muddy
puddles you can imagine,

but first, you must tell me...

Where do the Hummels go, Peppa?

All right, let us
through. Get away, kids.

Peppa, now! Why Hummels?

You've got to squeal!

Old people!

Old people... love Hummels.

It's okay.

She's with Chuck E. Cheese now.

- Can I help you?
- Oh, yes, hello.

We are adorable children
here to entertain old people.

Didn't think we had
anyone scheduled tonight.

Are you with the
Protestant youth group?

Yes, that's right. We are young prostitutes
here to volunteer however we can.

Fine.

Round 'em up!
We got another kids choir!

Come on! Let's go!

Children's choir in the commons.

- Aw, damn it.
- Shit.

Darling children are gonna
sing for you. Move your asses!

Aw, not again!

All right, seniors, how
are we feeling tonight?

Our youth group has
come to lift your spirits

with some songs to take
you down memory lane.

We hope you can enjoy
some nice old-people music.

♪ I'm ♪

♪ Insane in the membrane ♪

♪ Insane in the membrane ♪

♪ Insane in the brain ♪

♪ Crazy insane, got no brain ♪

♪ In the membrane ♪

♪♪ Pitch pipe plays...
♪ Myyy ♪

♪ Milkshake brings all the boys ♪

♪ To the yard ♪

♪ And they're like ♪
♪ It's better than yours ♪

♪ Damn right ♪

♪ It's better than yours ♪

♪ My hot milkshake ♪

And now, here's our own take

on that oldie but goodie by Nirvana.

♪ In the cool, cool winter ♪

♪ Rape me ♪

♪ In the hot, hot summertime ♪

♪ Rape me, my friend ♪

- You suck!
- Hey! Hey!

We are adorable children

trying to bring
sunshine into your lives!

... you!

... you!

♪ If you ♪

♪ Want to call me baby ♪

♪ Just go ahead now ♪

Hello, Mr. Marsh.

♪♪ Dramatic music plays

Marcus.

I told you I'd bring you down.

Marcus, it's not what you think.

I'm trying to make things better here.

Oh, I'll bet you are.

You, your grandpa, all the people here

are going to jail!

I'm calling the police.

You can put an end to this place,

but you won't be stopping the problem!

These people are victims too, Marcus.

Victims of a way bigger game

being played by way bigger people.

Oh, you're a fine one for speeches...

When it comes to saving your own ass.

It's not for me, Marcus.

Look, I know
you loved Chuck E. Cheese.

I know you'd do anything

to bring down the people
who took him from you.

That's why you have
to go further, Marcus.

Take it to the people who
profited from Chuck E.'s addiction.

He was just a mouse...

who
wanted to make people happy.

I know. I know.

♪ No time to search
the world around ♪

♪ When I come around ♪

♪ When I come around ♪

♪ I come around ♪

Hey, where y'all going?

Back to our rooms.

You kids are absolutely awful.

What the... Someone is in my room!

Whaaaaat?!

Billy, what are you doing here?

Surprise, Grandpa.

I got what you needed.

Huh?

Billy!

Mrs. McGullicutty's Hummel collection!

You got it for me!

Yeah, Grandpa.

Now you can put a stop
to all this, right?

Yeah. I just might be able to.

What are you doing, Grandpa?

I told you, Billy...

These Hummels hold a special
power with old people.

You!

Go on, get outta here.

You really thought
stealing my Hummels

will make YOU the head
bitch in this place?!

Yeah, I think it will.

Ooh!

Aah!

Ohh!

Ooh!

Now you know how we do
shit in the nursing home.

That's pretty sweet.

You get your paws off of me,
young man!

There, there, Mrs. McGullicutty.

Everything's gonna be all right.

No! Not Solitaire!

I won't play it!
You can't make me!

Congratulations on becoming
head bitch, Grandpa.

Thank you, Billy.

Now,
if only we could take down

the real douche bags
who profit from all this.

Aw, don't worry.

I have a feeling that's about to happen.

Ladies and gentlemen...

My name is Marcus Preston.

I have some questions.

♪♪ Song playing...

♪♪

Shit.

Okay, let's...
let's do this.

♪ I never meant
to cause you any so... ♪

Sync corrections by srjanapala