South Park (1997–…): Season 21, Episode 10 - Splatty Tomato - full transcript
There are "stranger things" going on when the children claim to have seen President Garrison lurking around.
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting,
"howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
♪♪
[ Thunder crashes ]
CRYSTAL:
[ Screams ]
Mommy!
Mommy!
He's gonna get me!
Honey, honey,
who's gonna get you?
The president!
I saw him!
He's gonna get me!
Crystal, the president
isn't going to get you.
But I saw him!
See what I told you?
It's that liberal school
she's going to,
filling her head
with all kinds of garbage.
Sweetie, the president is doing
the best job he can.
Your liberal school
is just trying
to convince you
he's dangerous.
But -- But, Daddy,
he's gonna --
Unh-unh.
No "buts."
The president is
in the White House,
not here trying
to get you, okay?
Okay.
All right.
We're having a talk with
that school in the morning.
Goodnight, honey.
[ Thunder crashes ]
♪♪
Hey! How are
my approval ratings?
[ Screams ]
[ Thunder rumbles ]
REPORTER: And the latest reports
are now saying
that over a million Canadians
were killed
in the nuclear blast.
The bomb dropped
by the U.S. President
took out the entire city
of Toronto
and fallout is expected
to kill thousands more
in the coming days.
Ike.
Ike,
I'm sorry that I...
'caused a nuclear bomb
to be dropped on Canada.
I was just --
You know, I was just trying
to get shows that were toxic
taken down.
You know, those shows
can be really harmful.
Oh, stop being
a victim.
Jesus Christ!
BOB: What I want to know
is what gives you the right
to preach your political views
to my children?!
Our daughter
woke up with nightmares
that the president
was going to get her.
Just because
two liberals happen to be
principal
and vice principal
doesn't mean
you can brainwash my kids!
Uh, we sort of have
some bigger problems
right now, Mister, uh...
It's White.
Bob White.
You've probably never even
heard of our family, huh?
Well, the Whites have been here
since the beginning!
Not that it matters.
'Cause no one cares
about the Whites!
Sure, everyone else
has problems,
but does anyone ever ask
the Whites how they're doing?
Mr. White, we assure you
that we run the school
in a very...
professional manner
and don't let...
personal emotions
get in the way.
Oh, sure you don't!
You know how hard
I had to fight
to even get
this meeting with you?
"Oh, who wants
to talk to the administration?"
"Oh, it's just the Whites?"
"Aw, who cares about the Whites?
They're fine."
Well, we've just about
had it you...
♪ If loving you is wrong,
I don't wanna be right ♪
♪ I don't wanna be right ♪
...and, damn it,
we won't be ignored!
I'm sorry. Is anyone else
hearing
"(If Loving You is Wrong)
I Don't Want to Be Right"
Uh, no.
Mr. and Mrs. White,
we promise that we will not
let anything happen
that might bring the integrity
of this school into question.
Guess that's all the Whites
can hope for these days.
[ Thunder crashes ]
Hey!
[ Screams ]
How are
my approval ratings?
It's the president!
[ Screams ]
Wait, come back!
What's wrong?!
Still no word
from the president
as his 'Splatty Tomato'
approval rating
drops to
an unprecedented 3%.
This puts the president
four points below
"Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature."
Meanwhile,
the Canadian Prime Minister,
Justin Trudeau, called upon
Canadians to stand strong.
Make no mistake, America.
If you do not hand over
your president,
there will be war the likes
of which you have never seen.
Canadians
will rise together.
I call on all Canadians
here and abroad
to stand
with their country.
The U.S. President
must answer for his crime.
And only Canada
can bring him to justice.
♪♪
[ Shudders,
whimpers ]
There, there, Tweek.
Everything is gonna be okay.
I saw what I saw, Craig!
You have to believe me!
What's going on?
Tweek's having
a panic attack.
It was real!
He tried to get me!
Who did?
The president!
It's just your
imagination, Tweek.
It's not his imagination.
I saw him, too.
You saw the president?
Out by the quarry,
but I didn't believe it.
I said, "How could
this be --"
The president?
I saw him, too.
He had a blue suit
and an orange face.
He kept asking me,
"How are my --"
TOKEN: "How are
my approval ratings?"
I saw him, too.
Dude, isn't this all
really familiar?
I saw something
just like this
on that show called
"Stranger --"
"Stranger Things."
"Stranger Things" is the show.
I saw it, too.
But wait, isn't
"Stranger Things" just
like that movie --
Just like that movie "It."
You saw it, too?
Yeah, I saw it
in the theater.
I saw "Stranger Things"
and "It."
Jesus.
I don't think anyone's
imagining anything.
I think the president
is here.
You kids
get inside somewhere.
I have to warn the town.
Ugh!
[ Indistinct chatter,
shouting ]
All right, people.
People, please.
We need everyone
to try and stay calm.
How can we stay calm
when the president's
out there
scaring our children?!
Look, we all want
the president out of here.
It's just a matter
of how we do it.
I know you all
want to get rid of him.
That's not true.
The Whites still
support the president!
Oh, for fuck's sake,
White, he's running around
eating our pets
and terrorizing our kids!
You think Hillary
would have been any better?
[ Shouting, booing ]
MAN:
Just sit down, Bob!
I'm just sayin'!
I'm just sayin'!
Listen, everyone.
I have a team right now
that's trying to locate
the president,
and I'd like you to hear
from Officer Bright,
who's leading the search.
Hey, folks.
We know you're all concerned,
but I want to assure you that we
are doing everything we can
to track the president down
and have him safely removed.
Since the president was given
a splatty tomato,
he's become very desperate
and very dangerous.
If you see the president,
do not approach him.
Do not try
to reason with him.
Most importantly, remember
that this is the president,
so you cannot shoot him.
All right?
You can't even talk
about shooting him.
Don't even...
do any coy satirical takes
on shooting him.
Okay, good.
What we're trying to do here
is just get the president
to go away.
We're gonna be handing out
padlocks like this one
so everyone can lock up
their garbage.
If we don't feed the president,
hopefully he'll just move on.
Are there any questions?
Can we talk about
a friend shooting him
if it's in a sort of
a sarcastic way?
No, no, no.
Now, it's - it's just best
to avoid that kind of talk
altogether.
Remember,
they can do to you
what they did
to Kathy Griffin.
Made her not funny
for 30 years?
That's right.
So best thing is just
lock up your garbage
and see if we can get
the president to go away.
Jesus.
Now kids
are going missing.
We're all
gonna be missing soon!
[ Exclaims ]
Kyle!
It's my fault.
Ike went to go take matters
into his own hands.
I have to find him.
We'll help you.
We'll all help you.
Guys, this could be
really dangerous.
You're not going.
You promised tonight
we'd have a date night.
Darling, this is a little
more pressing than date night.
Oh, great.
So, Kyle's stupid brother
goes missing, and I get fucked.
How come I'm always the one
getting shit on around here?
I don't need anyone
to go with me.
Oh, what's the matter,
Kyle?
Don't want me around
because you had the hots for me
and I shut you down?
I would never have the hots
for the person you are now.
STAN:
Come on, you guys.
Look, we all know what
we're supposed to do now.
We all saw "It"
and "Stranger Things."
We need to get our backpacks
and go out to woods
and save the town from evil
to some kick-ass '80s' music!
♪♪
Hello, joining us
for lunch today?
Uh, yes.
We are here with
our student of the day
to reward him lunch
with the principal
and vice principal.
We have
a reservation.
Okay, last name?
Woman.
First name.
Strong.
Oh, yes, Strong Woman,
here we are.
We have a nice booth
set up for you.
We can't
keep doing this.
People are gonna
see through it.
Is it my fault
that I found
the most amazing, perfect,
beautiful woman...
at work?
Nobody
will understand.
Maybe they will.
We're co-workers
who are in love.
You really that's
going to bother people?
Well, should we
order now?
[ Whistles softly ]
RANDY: What are you
doing, Bob?
Aah!
Have you been putting food out
for the president?
No, I was just, uh,
taking these finger sandwiches
to the trash.
We all agreed not to feed him
so he'd go away.
We didn't all agree!
You all agreed!
Nobody asked the Whites
how they felt!
Nobody cares what the Whites
have to say!
Bob, come on.
You have to know it's not safe
to have him here.
In 2003,
Hillary Clinton admitted
to taking funds
for her foundation
from foreign diplomats!
What's that got to do
with anything, Bob? Come on.
It's fucking true!
Bob, if Canada finds out
the president is hiding here,
they are going
to nuke us.
He needs to go.
Hillary wouldn't have been
any better.
Give me
the finger sandwiches.
Fine!
Go ahead and take
the White's sandwiches!
They've taken
everything else!
[ The Chicago Bears'
"The Super Bowl Shuffle" plays ]
♪ We are the Bears
shufflin' through ♪
♪ Shufflin' on down,
doin' it for you ♪
♪ We're so bad
we know we're good ♪
♪ Blowin' your mind
like we knew we would ♪
♪ We're not here
to start no trouble ♪
♪ We're just here
to do the Super Bowl shuffle ♪
Dude, this is
'80s' music?
Yeah. It's Pandora.
'80s channel.
Well, just skip
to the next song, man.
We're trying to get psyched
to destroy evil.
We need better
'80s' music than that.
♪ Gloria ♪
♪ You're always
on the run now ♪
♪ Running after somebody ♪
♪ You gotta get him somehow ♪
♪I think you've got
to slow down ♪
Heidi.
Honey, what are you doing?
This is the place --
This is the place where I
ended it all, remember?
This is where
I threw my phone off the bridge
and quit Twitter for good.
I was so different then...
so naive and hopeful.
Yes, honey, now,
can we get going, please?
I'm sorry! I'm trying to have
a moment here!
This is where our whole
relationship started, asshole!
Yes, it's very touching,
sweetheart.
I love you so much.
[ Quietly ] I'm sorry
about this, you guys.
I remember feeling
like I had nobody.
Skinny bitch.
We need to
keep going, guys.
Don't tell me you haven't gotten
the President out of here.
We haven't gotten
the President out of here.
And there's some worse news.
A bunch of kids
have gone missing.
-What?
-I think we have to assume
that the President has...
eaten them.
[ Cries ]
Why are you here
talking to me
instead of trying
to find the President?!
Don't worry, we're close.
He's out in the woods somewhere.
And we've set up a fox trap.
A fox trap?
[ Mouse squeaking ]
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Mouse shrieks ]
[ Thud in distance ]
Oh, Fox News...
They'll listen to me.
They'll get my side
of the story right!
[ Imitates bird call ]
It's a trap!
What?
It's a Fox trap,
Mr. President!
Oh, thank God
for the Whites...
♪ Hold on to the nights ♪
Ike! Ike?!
♪ Hold on to the memories ♪
Dude. Come on! This is not
kick-ass '80s music!
"Hold On to the Nights"
Richard Marx. 1988.
Do we really need music?
Yeah! Craig just has
the wrong stuff.
Forget your Pandora.
I'm doing Spotify.
'80s music. 'Kay.
There.
♪ I've got Pac-Man fever ♪
♪ Pac-Man fever ♪
Oh, yeah.
That's better.
Can we go please?!
♪ I've got Pac-Man fever ♪
♪ Pac-Man fever ♪
♪ I'm going out of my mind ♪
♪ Going out of my mind ♪
Kyle: Here it is.
[ Door creaks opens ]
Ike?
Wait a minute...
Isn't this the place
you brought me before?
The place you said your friends
smashed your phone
and computer...?
I remember
I felt so bad for you.
We used to sit in the park
and talk for hours.
How come we never do that
anymore?
Oh, fuck. Here we go.
Here we go what?!
You used to be
so nice to me.
You used to be nice to me!
I tried!
But then you started
rolling your eyes
every time I tried
to talk to you!
Ughhh...
He's not here either.
Dude, maybe your brother
Didn't even go looking
for the President.
You don't understand
Canadians.
They're fiercely loyal
to their country.
When Canada is attacked,
they all join in the fight.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Randy! Randy!
What?
They got him!
They found the President!
We found his hideout.
There.
[ Eerie whispering ]
Someone's gotta
go flush him out.
I'll be ready to trap him.
I'll do it.
Hey, hey!
Just remember
he's been eating animals
and living like a monster.
Just...
prepare yourself
for what you're about to see.
[ Insects chirping ]
Oh, my God!
What the -- Principal
and Vice Principal...?
I told you
we couldn't hide.
But...
But you two work together --
[ Gags ]
You two work togeth--
[ Vomits ]
[ Vomiting continues ]
Hey, what the hell's
going on?!
They're together!
Who's together?
The Principal
and the Vice Principal!
They can't be together!
They're co-workers!
[ Vomits ]
Wait, wait. You mean
he's actually her superior
and they were in there --
[ Gags ]
[ Vomiting ]
Who would want to put
their penis in a co-worker?!
[ Gags, vomits ]
[ All vomiting ]
♪ Playing with
the Queen of Hearts ♪
♪ Knowing
it ain't really smart ♪
♪ The Joker
ain't the only fool ♪
♪ Who'll do
anything for you ♪
Oh, my God! Look!
♪ Laying out another lie ♪
These are Ike's
toy binoculars!
He was here!
Ike!
I remember
this place too...
This is where you brought me
on Halloween. Remember?
[ Sarcastically ] Yes, darling,
wasn't it romantic?
No!
It wasn't romantic.
There was a witch and you had me
dress up like Gretel and...
[gasps] you were trying
to get me killed!
Sweetheart, you made me late to
the pumpkin patch, remember?
I was hurt.
-You were hurt!
You were the victim.
I'm glad you understand.
Who turned you into this,
Heidi?
Shut up!
Skinny-ass bitch!
You don't know
anything!
Heidi, I think spooky walk
in the woods
is making you lose it
a little bit.
Stan: Guys!
I'm seriously dehydrated
and starving.
I'm pretty sick of this shit,
so you better-- Aah!
Have we already done
a search of this area?
Maybe Heidi went there
with her boyfriend!
She would have called
by now.
I just talked
to the McKormicks.
They haven't seen Tweek or Craig
since yesterday.
Randy!
Did you find anything?
Sharon...I-I...
What is it?
What did you find?
The...There's...
Ugh...
Tell me!
You have to tell me!
Oh, God.
What did you see?!
You don't want to know.
You have to tell me!
I can take it!
Did you find
our son's arm?
Did you find him
torn apart? What?!
The Principal and Vice Principal
are, like...together.
[ Vomits ]
Aww!
[ High-pitched horn blows ]
♪♪
♪♪
It's the President!
♪♪
Ike! Kyle!
Stan, you're okay!
Yeah, we're okay!
We got him.
We got the son of a bitch.
Get back!
Everyone back! Do it now!
Get over here, family!
Bob, for the love of Pete, our
country is about to go to war!
You wanna know
where there's a war?!
There's a war on
Christmas!
Nobody cares about that!
'Cause guess who
loves Christmas.
The Whites!
At least this man's
trying to save Christmas!
[ Muffled ] That's true!
He's not
saving Christmas, Bob.
He's running around,
scaring your kids,
and shitting in the woods.
[ Sighs, sobs ]
Come on, Bob.
What's best for your daughter?
I mean, really?
HEIDI: You piece of shit!
This was all your fault!
You controlled me
and manipulated me
and turned me into this!
Baby, put down the gun,
sweetheart, okay?
I used to be kind.
I used to be caring.
But then you -- you...
No.
Not you.
Me.
I did this.
I let being a victim
become a way of life.
If you always
make yourself the victim,
you can justify
being awful.
Eric...
I'm sorry.
I'm breaking up with you.
Honey, don't be
ridiculous.
I've been ridiculous.
I have to learn to stop
feeling sorry for myself.
Heidi, you are not
breaking up with me.
Yes, I am.
It's over.
I'm afraid I can't let you
do that, sweetheart!
Step back!
I'll do it! I swear to God!
It's not gonna work
this time, Eric.
You break up with me,
I will kill myself!
The choice
is yours, Heidi!
Come on, everybody!
"Eric,
we don't want you to die."
I'm sorry.
You can be the victim.
I can't.
Heidi!
Heidi, I'm gonna do it!
Here we go!
Heidi?!
Are you seriously --
[ Screams ]
MAN:
He broke free.
The president
is on the loose again.
He'll be
even more desperate now.
It's going to get worse.
We can't destroy him,
can we?
I don't know.
I guess...
it's up to the Whites.
♪♪
♪♪
[ Gags ]
[ Vomiting ]
Who would want to put
their penis in a co-worker?!
[ Gags, vomits ]
[ All vomiting ]
gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting,
"howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
♪♪
[ Thunder crashes ]
CRYSTAL:
[ Screams ]
Mommy!
Mommy!
He's gonna get me!
Honey, honey,
who's gonna get you?
The president!
I saw him!
He's gonna get me!
Crystal, the president
isn't going to get you.
But I saw him!
See what I told you?
It's that liberal school
she's going to,
filling her head
with all kinds of garbage.
Sweetie, the president is doing
the best job he can.
Your liberal school
is just trying
to convince you
he's dangerous.
But -- But, Daddy,
he's gonna --
Unh-unh.
No "buts."
The president is
in the White House,
not here trying
to get you, okay?
Okay.
All right.
We're having a talk with
that school in the morning.
Goodnight, honey.
[ Thunder crashes ]
♪♪
Hey! How are
my approval ratings?
[ Screams ]
[ Thunder rumbles ]
REPORTER: And the latest reports
are now saying
that over a million Canadians
were killed
in the nuclear blast.
The bomb dropped
by the U.S. President
took out the entire city
of Toronto
and fallout is expected
to kill thousands more
in the coming days.
Ike.
Ike,
I'm sorry that I...
'caused a nuclear bomb
to be dropped on Canada.
I was just --
You know, I was just trying
to get shows that were toxic
taken down.
You know, those shows
can be really harmful.
Oh, stop being
a victim.
Jesus Christ!
BOB: What I want to know
is what gives you the right
to preach your political views
to my children?!
Our daughter
woke up with nightmares
that the president
was going to get her.
Just because
two liberals happen to be
principal
and vice principal
doesn't mean
you can brainwash my kids!
Uh, we sort of have
some bigger problems
right now, Mister, uh...
It's White.
Bob White.
You've probably never even
heard of our family, huh?
Well, the Whites have been here
since the beginning!
Not that it matters.
'Cause no one cares
about the Whites!
Sure, everyone else
has problems,
but does anyone ever ask
the Whites how they're doing?
Mr. White, we assure you
that we run the school
in a very...
professional manner
and don't let...
personal emotions
get in the way.
Oh, sure you don't!
You know how hard
I had to fight
to even get
this meeting with you?
"Oh, who wants
to talk to the administration?"
"Oh, it's just the Whites?"
"Aw, who cares about the Whites?
They're fine."
Well, we've just about
had it you...
♪ If loving you is wrong,
I don't wanna be right ♪
♪ I don't wanna be right ♪
...and, damn it,
we won't be ignored!
I'm sorry. Is anyone else
hearing
"(If Loving You is Wrong)
I Don't Want to Be Right"
Uh, no.
Mr. and Mrs. White,
we promise that we will not
let anything happen
that might bring the integrity
of this school into question.
Guess that's all the Whites
can hope for these days.
[ Thunder crashes ]
Hey!
[ Screams ]
How are
my approval ratings?
It's the president!
[ Screams ]
Wait, come back!
What's wrong?!
Still no word
from the president
as his 'Splatty Tomato'
approval rating
drops to
an unprecedented 3%.
This puts the president
four points below
"Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature."
Meanwhile,
the Canadian Prime Minister,
Justin Trudeau, called upon
Canadians to stand strong.
Make no mistake, America.
If you do not hand over
your president,
there will be war the likes
of which you have never seen.
Canadians
will rise together.
I call on all Canadians
here and abroad
to stand
with their country.
The U.S. President
must answer for his crime.
And only Canada
can bring him to justice.
♪♪
[ Shudders,
whimpers ]
There, there, Tweek.
Everything is gonna be okay.
I saw what I saw, Craig!
You have to believe me!
What's going on?
Tweek's having
a panic attack.
It was real!
He tried to get me!
Who did?
The president!
It's just your
imagination, Tweek.
It's not his imagination.
I saw him, too.
You saw the president?
Out by the quarry,
but I didn't believe it.
I said, "How could
this be --"
The president?
I saw him, too.
He had a blue suit
and an orange face.
He kept asking me,
"How are my --"
TOKEN: "How are
my approval ratings?"
I saw him, too.
Dude, isn't this all
really familiar?
I saw something
just like this
on that show called
"Stranger --"
"Stranger Things."
"Stranger Things" is the show.
I saw it, too.
But wait, isn't
"Stranger Things" just
like that movie --
Just like that movie "It."
You saw it, too?
Yeah, I saw it
in the theater.
I saw "Stranger Things"
and "It."
Jesus.
I don't think anyone's
imagining anything.
I think the president
is here.
You kids
get inside somewhere.
I have to warn the town.
Ugh!
[ Indistinct chatter,
shouting ]
All right, people.
People, please.
We need everyone
to try and stay calm.
How can we stay calm
when the president's
out there
scaring our children?!
Look, we all want
the president out of here.
It's just a matter
of how we do it.
I know you all
want to get rid of him.
That's not true.
The Whites still
support the president!
Oh, for fuck's sake,
White, he's running around
eating our pets
and terrorizing our kids!
You think Hillary
would have been any better?
[ Shouting, booing ]
MAN:
Just sit down, Bob!
I'm just sayin'!
I'm just sayin'!
Listen, everyone.
I have a team right now
that's trying to locate
the president,
and I'd like you to hear
from Officer Bright,
who's leading the search.
Hey, folks.
We know you're all concerned,
but I want to assure you that we
are doing everything we can
to track the president down
and have him safely removed.
Since the president was given
a splatty tomato,
he's become very desperate
and very dangerous.
If you see the president,
do not approach him.
Do not try
to reason with him.
Most importantly, remember
that this is the president,
so you cannot shoot him.
All right?
You can't even talk
about shooting him.
Don't even...
do any coy satirical takes
on shooting him.
Okay, good.
What we're trying to do here
is just get the president
to go away.
We're gonna be handing out
padlocks like this one
so everyone can lock up
their garbage.
If we don't feed the president,
hopefully he'll just move on.
Are there any questions?
Can we talk about
a friend shooting him
if it's in a sort of
a sarcastic way?
No, no, no.
Now, it's - it's just best
to avoid that kind of talk
altogether.
Remember,
they can do to you
what they did
to Kathy Griffin.
Made her not funny
for 30 years?
That's right.
So best thing is just
lock up your garbage
and see if we can get
the president to go away.
Jesus.
Now kids
are going missing.
We're all
gonna be missing soon!
[ Exclaims ]
Kyle!
It's my fault.
Ike went to go take matters
into his own hands.
I have to find him.
We'll help you.
We'll all help you.
Guys, this could be
really dangerous.
You're not going.
You promised tonight
we'd have a date night.
Darling, this is a little
more pressing than date night.
Oh, great.
So, Kyle's stupid brother
goes missing, and I get fucked.
How come I'm always the one
getting shit on around here?
I don't need anyone
to go with me.
Oh, what's the matter,
Kyle?
Don't want me around
because you had the hots for me
and I shut you down?
I would never have the hots
for the person you are now.
STAN:
Come on, you guys.
Look, we all know what
we're supposed to do now.
We all saw "It"
and "Stranger Things."
We need to get our backpacks
and go out to woods
and save the town from evil
to some kick-ass '80s' music!
♪♪
Hello, joining us
for lunch today?
Uh, yes.
We are here with
our student of the day
to reward him lunch
with the principal
and vice principal.
We have
a reservation.
Okay, last name?
Woman.
First name.
Strong.
Oh, yes, Strong Woman,
here we are.
We have a nice booth
set up for you.
We can't
keep doing this.
People are gonna
see through it.
Is it my fault
that I found
the most amazing, perfect,
beautiful woman...
at work?
Nobody
will understand.
Maybe they will.
We're co-workers
who are in love.
You really that's
going to bother people?
Well, should we
order now?
[ Whistles softly ]
RANDY: What are you
doing, Bob?
Aah!
Have you been putting food out
for the president?
No, I was just, uh,
taking these finger sandwiches
to the trash.
We all agreed not to feed him
so he'd go away.
We didn't all agree!
You all agreed!
Nobody asked the Whites
how they felt!
Nobody cares what the Whites
have to say!
Bob, come on.
You have to know it's not safe
to have him here.
In 2003,
Hillary Clinton admitted
to taking funds
for her foundation
from foreign diplomats!
What's that got to do
with anything, Bob? Come on.
It's fucking true!
Bob, if Canada finds out
the president is hiding here,
they are going
to nuke us.
He needs to go.
Hillary wouldn't have been
any better.
Give me
the finger sandwiches.
Fine!
Go ahead and take
the White's sandwiches!
They've taken
everything else!
[ The Chicago Bears'
"The Super Bowl Shuffle" plays ]
♪ We are the Bears
shufflin' through ♪
♪ Shufflin' on down,
doin' it for you ♪
♪ We're so bad
we know we're good ♪
♪ Blowin' your mind
like we knew we would ♪
♪ We're not here
to start no trouble ♪
♪ We're just here
to do the Super Bowl shuffle ♪
Dude, this is
'80s' music?
Yeah. It's Pandora.
'80s channel.
Well, just skip
to the next song, man.
We're trying to get psyched
to destroy evil.
We need better
'80s' music than that.
♪ Gloria ♪
♪ You're always
on the run now ♪
♪ Running after somebody ♪
♪ You gotta get him somehow ♪
♪I think you've got
to slow down ♪
Heidi.
Honey, what are you doing?
This is the place --
This is the place where I
ended it all, remember?
This is where
I threw my phone off the bridge
and quit Twitter for good.
I was so different then...
so naive and hopeful.
Yes, honey, now,
can we get going, please?
I'm sorry! I'm trying to have
a moment here!
This is where our whole
relationship started, asshole!
Yes, it's very touching,
sweetheart.
I love you so much.
[ Quietly ] I'm sorry
about this, you guys.
I remember feeling
like I had nobody.
Skinny bitch.
We need to
keep going, guys.
Don't tell me you haven't gotten
the President out of here.
We haven't gotten
the President out of here.
And there's some worse news.
A bunch of kids
have gone missing.
-What?
-I think we have to assume
that the President has...
eaten them.
[ Cries ]
Why are you here
talking to me
instead of trying
to find the President?!
Don't worry, we're close.
He's out in the woods somewhere.
And we've set up a fox trap.
A fox trap?
[ Mouse squeaking ]
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Mouse shrieks ]
[ Thud in distance ]
Oh, Fox News...
They'll listen to me.
They'll get my side
of the story right!
[ Imitates bird call ]
It's a trap!
What?
It's a Fox trap,
Mr. President!
Oh, thank God
for the Whites...
♪ Hold on to the nights ♪
Ike! Ike?!
♪ Hold on to the memories ♪
Dude. Come on! This is not
kick-ass '80s music!
"Hold On to the Nights"
Richard Marx. 1988.
Do we really need music?
Yeah! Craig just has
the wrong stuff.
Forget your Pandora.
I'm doing Spotify.
'80s music. 'Kay.
There.
♪ I've got Pac-Man fever ♪
♪ Pac-Man fever ♪
Oh, yeah.
That's better.
Can we go please?!
♪ I've got Pac-Man fever ♪
♪ Pac-Man fever ♪
♪ I'm going out of my mind ♪
♪ Going out of my mind ♪
Kyle: Here it is.
[ Door creaks opens ]
Ike?
Wait a minute...
Isn't this the place
you brought me before?
The place you said your friends
smashed your phone
and computer...?
I remember
I felt so bad for you.
We used to sit in the park
and talk for hours.
How come we never do that
anymore?
Oh, fuck. Here we go.
Here we go what?!
You used to be
so nice to me.
You used to be nice to me!
I tried!
But then you started
rolling your eyes
every time I tried
to talk to you!
Ughhh...
He's not here either.
Dude, maybe your brother
Didn't even go looking
for the President.
You don't understand
Canadians.
They're fiercely loyal
to their country.
When Canada is attacked,
they all join in the fight.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Randy! Randy!
What?
They got him!
They found the President!
We found his hideout.
There.
[ Eerie whispering ]
Someone's gotta
go flush him out.
I'll be ready to trap him.
I'll do it.
Hey, hey!
Just remember
he's been eating animals
and living like a monster.
Just...
prepare yourself
for what you're about to see.
[ Insects chirping ]
Oh, my God!
What the -- Principal
and Vice Principal...?
I told you
we couldn't hide.
But...
But you two work together --
[ Gags ]
You two work togeth--
[ Vomits ]
[ Vomiting continues ]
Hey, what the hell's
going on?!
They're together!
Who's together?
The Principal
and the Vice Principal!
They can't be together!
They're co-workers!
[ Vomits ]
Wait, wait. You mean
he's actually her superior
and they were in there --
[ Gags ]
[ Vomiting ]
Who would want to put
their penis in a co-worker?!
[ Gags, vomits ]
[ All vomiting ]
♪ Playing with
the Queen of Hearts ♪
♪ Knowing
it ain't really smart ♪
♪ The Joker
ain't the only fool ♪
♪ Who'll do
anything for you ♪
Oh, my God! Look!
♪ Laying out another lie ♪
These are Ike's
toy binoculars!
He was here!
Ike!
I remember
this place too...
This is where you brought me
on Halloween. Remember?
[ Sarcastically ] Yes, darling,
wasn't it romantic?
No!
It wasn't romantic.
There was a witch and you had me
dress up like Gretel and...
[gasps] you were trying
to get me killed!
Sweetheart, you made me late to
the pumpkin patch, remember?
I was hurt.
-You were hurt!
You were the victim.
I'm glad you understand.
Who turned you into this,
Heidi?
Shut up!
Skinny-ass bitch!
You don't know
anything!
Heidi, I think spooky walk
in the woods
is making you lose it
a little bit.
Stan: Guys!
I'm seriously dehydrated
and starving.
I'm pretty sick of this shit,
so you better-- Aah!
Have we already done
a search of this area?
Maybe Heidi went there
with her boyfriend!
She would have called
by now.
I just talked
to the McKormicks.
They haven't seen Tweek or Craig
since yesterday.
Randy!
Did you find anything?
Sharon...I-I...
What is it?
What did you find?
The...There's...
Ugh...
Tell me!
You have to tell me!
Oh, God.
What did you see?!
You don't want to know.
You have to tell me!
I can take it!
Did you find
our son's arm?
Did you find him
torn apart? What?!
The Principal and Vice Principal
are, like...together.
[ Vomits ]
Aww!
[ High-pitched horn blows ]
♪♪
♪♪
It's the President!
♪♪
Ike! Kyle!
Stan, you're okay!
Yeah, we're okay!
We got him.
We got the son of a bitch.
Get back!
Everyone back! Do it now!
Get over here, family!
Bob, for the love of Pete, our
country is about to go to war!
You wanna know
where there's a war?!
There's a war on
Christmas!
Nobody cares about that!
'Cause guess who
loves Christmas.
The Whites!
At least this man's
trying to save Christmas!
[ Muffled ] That's true!
He's not
saving Christmas, Bob.
He's running around,
scaring your kids,
and shitting in the woods.
[ Sighs, sobs ]
Come on, Bob.
What's best for your daughter?
I mean, really?
HEIDI: You piece of shit!
This was all your fault!
You controlled me
and manipulated me
and turned me into this!
Baby, put down the gun,
sweetheart, okay?
I used to be kind.
I used to be caring.
But then you -- you...
No.
Not you.
Me.
I did this.
I let being a victim
become a way of life.
If you always
make yourself the victim,
you can justify
being awful.
Eric...
I'm sorry.
I'm breaking up with you.
Honey, don't be
ridiculous.
I've been ridiculous.
I have to learn to stop
feeling sorry for myself.
Heidi, you are not
breaking up with me.
Yes, I am.
It's over.
I'm afraid I can't let you
do that, sweetheart!
Step back!
I'll do it! I swear to God!
It's not gonna work
this time, Eric.
You break up with me,
I will kill myself!
The choice
is yours, Heidi!
Come on, everybody!
"Eric,
we don't want you to die."
I'm sorry.
You can be the victim.
I can't.
Heidi!
Heidi, I'm gonna do it!
Here we go!
Heidi?!
Are you seriously --
[ Screams ]
MAN:
He broke free.
The president
is on the loose again.
He'll be
even more desperate now.
It's going to get worse.
We can't destroy him,
can we?
I don't know.
I guess...
it's up to the Whites.
♪♪
♪♪
[ Gags ]
[ Vomiting ]
Who would want to put
their penis in a co-worker?!
[ Gags, vomits ]
[ All vomiting ]