South Park (1997–…): Season 20, Episode 7 - Oh, Jeez - full transcript

PC Principal tries one more time to make peace between the boys and the girls. Meanwhile, Gerald comes face-to-face with the Troll Hunter.

And, uh, definitely
a bit of a surprise here.

Looks like America has voted
for a change of pace.

The world is
in a bit of a shock, uh...

Is this... W-We're sure
this is for real, right?

What have you done?!

You maniacs!

We, uh...

I guess we're going live
to the acceptance speech now.

Uh, okay. Here we go.

The people have spoken.

Just as J.J. Abrams
did with "Star Wars,"



I will make
this country great again.

This isn't how
it was supposed to happen.

Mr. Garrison: All my efforts
the past week have paid off.

And now, let's begin...

fucking them all to death!

H-Hey, Butters.
Can I talk to you?

What do you want?

Do you remember an e-mail
I sent you a few months ago

after I saw the new
"Ghostbusters" movie

in which I might have said
something to the effect of it

totally sucking balls
because women aren't funny?

I don't know, Eric.

I just need to see exactly
what I e-mailed you, Butters.

And then I need you
to e-mail me



saying what an awesome prank
that was e-mailing you

"Ghostbusters" sucked balls
when actually I told you

it was really funny
several times in person.

No! I'm not doing
anything for you.

You're a traitor!

A traitor?

Yeah!
Boys and girls are at war,

but you go and kiss
your little girlfriend's ass.

What ever happened to sticking
with your kind?

Sticking to my kind?

You guys broke all my stuff!

Because girls drove us to break
all your stuff, dumb-ass!

If anyone should be pissed
at chicks, it's you!

But, no, you've got
your bitchy little girlfriend

pulling your strings now.

Please do not call her that,
Butters.

I really like her.

Oh, God.
Listen to you.

"Please don't call her that,
man. I really like her."

You've changed, Eric.
You've really changed.

Now get the [bleep]
out of my house.

A historic election
and all the votes are in.

Except, of course, in the city
of Fort Collins, Colorado.

It's been several days now
since Fort Collins was hacked.

Everyone's e-mails
and Internet history

became accessible to the public

after being targeted by
the Danish Troll Trace Program.

According to our eye in the sky,

their votes will not be tallied
anytime soon.

Man: It's complete bedlam
inside the city limits, Chris.

Since the city was hacked,
there have been murders,

suicides,
and complete loss of civility.

We also understand
that nearly everyone

within Fort Collins who
was married is now divorced.

Back to you, Tom.

This barricade behind me
was put up not only to make sure

nobody goes into Fort Collins,

but also to make sure
nobody gets out,

since there's no telling who's
Internet histories they've seen.

Please!
My wife is so pissed at me!

The defiant Danish company

is still declaring Troll Trace
a success and claims

that it will be available
worldwide at any moment.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

We have him.
Subject is home.

Dad, what the...

What's going on, Dad?!

They're coming for me, Sheila!

They know everything!

About what?!

Everything I did online!
It's over!

Sir, if you'll come with us...

We need to speak with you.

You people really have
nothing better to do?

What he did online
is his business.

Or maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm the one
that likes being peed on

and I talked him into it.

Do you know that urine
is 100% sterile?

How dare you burst
into our home?

Sheila...

Urolagnia has been around
since the time of the Greeks.

Sir, please come with us now.

Gerald, you don't have
to listen to them.

I'm sorry, Sheila.

Please know
that I love you so much.

Goodbye, Kyle, Ike.

I can't believe it, babe.

I really didn't think things
would end up like this.

Yeah.
Neither did I.

I just... feel so disconnected
from the world, you know?

I really thought
this was gonna be the moment

that proved girls could do
anything, like you always say.

You can't stop believing that.

Now, more than ever,
you have to stay strong.

I'm just glad I have you.

At least I know you believe
that girls are smart.

You are smart, Heidi.

And funny, too, right?

You're always saying
how people need to get over

that girls are funny.

So funny.

Oh, my God.

When Amy Schumer jokes
about her vagina,

I seriously lose my shit.

Hey, are you okay?

This election
really got to you, too, huh?

Yes, Heidi.

For the first time,

I'm really scared
for the future.

Me, too, babe.
Me, too.

Where are you taking me?

Wait!
Please, there's been a mistake.

Someone set me up.

I'm not Skankhunt42.

Dildo?

Hello, Mr. Kunt.

Turd Sandwich.

I don't understand.

Things have not worked out
the way they were supposed to.

This election was stolen,
and while this government

is still in power,
we have to prove it.

We've come to ask for your help.

My help?

Leave us.

As I understand,
there's quite a lot

you've done online
you don't want to have come out.

But I also understand
you weren't trying

to get a woman to kill herself.

You were just being funny.

Exactly!

The Troll Trace program

is the most sophisticated
of its kind.

The government
has only a few short weeks

to try and use that technology
to stop the president-elect

from taking office.

What do you want me to do?

You've proven one thing...
that you have the ability

to pretend to be
someone you're not.

We want to send someone
into Denmark undercover

and steal their technology.

You mean like...
like James Bond?

Totally like James Bond.

You and I need each other,
Skank.

What do you say?

Garrison!

Garrison, what the [bleep]
have you done?!

Where is he?

He's resting.
He's had a busy week.

Yeah, I'll say he has.

Do you have any idea what
you've done to our country?!

Yeah.

[Bleep] 'em all.

You admitted you didn't know
how to run a country.

You agreed people
were supporting you

just because they liked
the new "Star Wars,"

and you begged me
to help you lose!

I changed my mind.

The new "Star Wars"
was actually really good.

No, it wasn't!

Something else
has to have happened!

Maybe some people
enjoy nostalgia

and going back
to what feels comfortable.

There's nothing great
about rehashing

all the old "Star Wars" moments
into a new...

Blargh!

Aah! Ah!

Ah! Ah.

- 'Member Luke's lightsaber?
- 'Member Chewbacca's crossbow?

Memberberry: 'Member "I got
a bad feeling about this?"

I-I suppose...

I suppose I could watch it
one more time,

give it another chance.

You're flying to Denmark

under the guise of being
a foreign ambassador.

The Danish think
you want to help them.

Here's your fake passport

and here are your nifty
camera glasses.

Wow.

Once inside the Troll Trace
building, you will plant this.

Looks like
an ordinary briefcase,

but at exactly
9:30 Danish Standard Time,

the case will open,
detonating an EMP device

that will take out
their entire facility.

It'll fry all their equipment,
servers, and backup computers.

After it detonates, we'll be
on the roof to pick you up.

And then everything
can go back to normal.

One last thing.

To pass yourself off
as the ambassador,

you'll have to pretend to be
from the Turkish Islands.

Are you any good
at changing your voice?

That depends.

Are you asking me,
or are you asking...

me, Andy, the drunk sheriff?

Hic!

Or me,
the ol' Irish dart player?

Or me, from "Family Guy"?

Or me from "Family Guy"?

Or me from "Family Guy?"

Hey, Ike.
It's daddy.

Everything okay there?

Listen, buddy,
you remember how we talked

about trolling
and just between us guys,

we agreed it was pretty funny?

Well, turns out that even the... Dad!
Where are you?!

Oh, hey, Kyle.

Dad, what's going on?
Mom's freaking out.

Tell your mom
everything's fine, okay?

I'm helping out the government.

It's top-secret stuff,

but everything's finally
gonna be okay.

No, Dad.
I need you back home.

Please.
I'm so confused right now.

Kyle, you got to lighten
the [bleep] up, buddy.

Every day with you,
it's "Dad, I'm feeling guilty"

about this," "Dad,
I'm so confused about that."

You're a kid!

You're supposed to just laugh
and make fun of shit.

Stop being such a pussy,
okay, pal?

Daddy called you a pussy.

All right, everyone.
Listen up.

I know that many of us
were shocked to the core

with last night's election,

but we cannot allow our school
to be any further divided.

It is time to try and start
the healing process.

And so, here to try and help us
heal is Bill Clinton.

Hi, kids.

I'm Bill Clinton,

and I was almost
the first gentleman in America.

Thank you.

Even though we might have lost
the election,

it doesn't mean that my work
to be a gentleman

is going to stop.

I'm gonna ask all you boys
to agree to join

Bill Clinton's Gentlemen's Club.

But I can't do it alone.

Sometimes, I wish
there were two of me.

Oh, wait.
There are.

Oh, Bill?

Man: Yes, Bill?

Come on out here.

Hello, boys and girls.

♪ I'm Bill

♪ And I'm Bill

♪ And together,
we're Bill and Bill ♪

♪ Two birds of a feather
comin' to your school ♪

♪ Gonna show you all
about what gentlemen do ♪

♪ When you're not quite sure
how you feel ♪

♪ Ask Bill and Bill

Say, Bill...

Yes, Bill?

Would you like to join
my Gentlemen's Club?

You know I would, Bill.

Heidi.
Heidi!

Hey, babe.
What's the matter?

Sorry.
I have to talk to you.

It's really important.

Okay.

Heidi, we...
have to get to Mars.

I know, babe.

You've talked
about how humankind

needs to get to Mars
for a few weeks now.

Now, Heidi.

We have to get to Mars,
like, now.

I've seen what's gonna happen
when Troll Trace goes online.

I think a lot of people
have said and done things online

that will make
a lot of other people angry,

and it's going to be very bad.

Humankind is going
to destroy itself,

and it's only hope
are the people who go to Mars,

where there's no Wi-Fi,
so nobody can see

what anybody said or did
on the Internet ever.

Babe, there's no way
to get to Mars right now.

Yes, Heidi.
I think there is.

But you have to totally
trust me and know

that I'm doing this to save us.

I trust you
with everything I have.

That's cool.

Your name, please?

Miller.
Von Miller.

I'm the Ambassador of Technology
from the Turkish Islands.

Oh, yes, of course,
Ambassador Miller.

You're here to support

our country's
Troll Trace program, yes?

That's right.

Your escort is right over there.

Nice little country
you have here.

Really clean.

Yes, Ambassador.

Denmark is ranked
the nicest place to live

in all the world
almost every year.

This is it, Ambassador.

All of Troll Trace
is housed in this building.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.
This is really impressive.

Thank you for coming.

Welcome to Troll Trace.

I cannot tell you
how much I've been

looking forward to your visit...

Ambassador Von Miller.

We have so much to talk about.

Won't you join me upstairs

for frikadellers
and leverpostarj?

I can't imagine
how you're feeling right now.

I know that the election
didn't go the way you'd hoped.

What I want to say is...
I'm sorry.

I know that girls
have gone through a lot lately,

and I just want you to know
that I'm here for you.

Okay, okay.
That's good.

But now make sure she knows
how you're gonna change.

I am gonna change.
I-I am.

Whether she takes you
back or not.

Yeah, well, but I...
but I want her to take me back.

Yeah, but if you're
just changing to get her back,

then you're being selfish again.

Okay, look, the bottom line is

you still have to have faith
in boys because...

because I miss you, Wendy.

Butters: Traitor!

[Bleep] you, Stan!

You're a traitor!

Go away, Butters!

Who is that?

How dare you be ashamed
of who you are?!

Oh, he's pressin' pickle.

Enjoying the frikadellers?

Oh, yes.
They're nice.

And the leverpostarj
is seasoned to your liking?

I wouldn't know.

You keep checking your watch,
Ambassador Von Miller.

Are you late for something?

No, no. I-I'm just anxious
to get a look at your servers.

They must be quite impressive.

Yes, well, a database
that can identify

everyone's Internet activity
is very complex.

I'm so pleased you want to help
us rid the world of trolls.

Do you happen to recognize...

this woman?

Uhh, no?

Her name was Freja Ollengaurd.

She was Denmark's
national treasure.

She had an amazing
breast cancer awareness website,

and some... troll

decided to Photoshop wieners
in her mouth.

Oh, wow.
That's terrible.

Her final straw was when she
was trolled on a live TV show.

When the troll posted comments
about the breast cancer

with fake doctors' names.

Would you like to know
what the doctors' names were?

The first one was
a Dr. Boobsoff...

Dr. Courtsier Boobsoff.

Then I believe there was
a Dr. Juerdo Titsgo.

But probably
most insensitive of all

was when the troll
said he was Dr. Ipples...

"Dr. Now-I'm-Only-N-Ipples."

Are you all right, Von Miller?!

I-I'm fine.

I-I think the frikadellers
gave me a little heartburn.

If you wouldn't mind,
could I see the servers now?

It would be my pleasure.

Hello.

I'm Bill Clinton,

and I was almost
the first gentleman in America.

Oh, my gosh!

Honey, it's the nearly
gentleman!

May I come
into your lovely home?

Well, of course.
That's very gentlemanly of you.

Oh, my goodness.

It's him!
Hello, sir.

Hello, ma'am.

I wasn't expecting
someone so stunning.

I'm so sorry for the intrusion,

but I was wondering
if I could speak with your son.

Oh, well, I'm afraid Butters
is grounded for pressing pickle

at the nail salon again.

Stephen, this is...
He's a gentleman.

But... But of course
we'll make an exception.

Butters has been grounded
quite a lot lately.

Don't know
what's gotten into him.

Well, maybe I can help.

That'd be great.

No matter how hard we ground
him, he remains defiant.

Butters, stop smushing snake.

The gentleman
is here to speak with you.

What?

Hello, young man.
Come on. Sit down.

Let's talk.

Well, I don't know
about you guys,

but I sure am excited.

America is going
to be great again.

Aren't you excited, gang?

No, I'm not excited.
It sucks, Dad!

This country's gonna suck
for four years!

Oh, come on, Shelley.

We've learned that women
can be anything,

except for president.

Randy, you just spent
the last month convincing me

that the only reason people
wanted to go back

was because of a childish
nostalgia they all had

for the new
"Star Wars."

Have you really watched it,
Sharon?

It has more to offer
than just nostalgia.

Let's all watch it
again tonight.

What? I don't want to watch
"Star Wars" anymore than I...

Blargh!

Blargh!

Dad! What the hell
is wrong with...

Blargh!

Please, Ambassador,

explore the servers
at your leisure.

Let us know
if you have any questions.

Thank you.

You can stop being an idiot now.

What the...

Dildo?!

Skankhunt.

What the [bleep]
are you doing here?

I was sent here
by the government

to do international espionage,
like James Bond.

No, no, no, no, no.
That's what I'm doing.

Hillary Clinton says
I was the only one capable of...

Being smart and funny enough
to pull it off.

Yeah, that's what
she told all of us.

All of us? Who?

Hey, Skankhunt.

What the hell is going on?

Don't you get it?

The government made some
kind of deal with the Danish.

They handed us over
so they wouldn't go forward

with the Troll Trace program.

They wanted the troll
who killed Freja Ollengaurd

and his associates.

We got sold out because of you!

No.

No, you got to let me
out of here!

I'm not one of them!

Hey, look.
It's 9:30.

The briefcases
are about to go off.

♪ Never gonna give you up,
never gonna let you down ♪

♪ Never gonna run around
and desert you ♪

♪ Never gonna make you... ♪

What do you think

you're going to achieve,
young man?

You really think
all this pickle-pressing

is gonna get you anywhere?

Well, I'm just angry,
Mr. Gentleman.

I'm tired of girls
saying boys need to change.

Somebody has to stand up
for our rights!

What happened, son?
Did a girl break your heart?

No.

I know.

I know how hard they can be.

But something's about to happen
that you aren't aware of.

You see, hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned.

And trust me,
my wife is a crazy bitch.

She and all the other women
in the world

are about to get payback,

and we are all
completely [bleep]

It's my fault, really.

I've done things my whole life
that gradually broke her spirit.

And now that she's
lost everything,

let me assure you,

she is piiiiiiissed.

Now our only chance
is to keep our heads low

and act like we're changed men.

Because we're very
close to the end.

The end? Of what?

Women are sick of our shit, son.

And soon, they're gonna know

everything we've said
and done online.

And unless we start
kissing their asses,

we're all gonna be put
in a big chamber underground

and milked for our semen.

Eric, we're so far from home.

We aren't gonna see
home again, babe.

We're gonna make it.
There's no turning back.

Do you really think
there's hope?

Yes.

I do.

Looks like America has voted
for a change of pace.

The world is
in a bit of a shock, uh...

Is this... W-We're sure
this is for real, right?

What have you done?!

You maniacs!