South Park (1997–…): Season 20, Episode 5 - Douche and a Danish - full transcript

_

♪ I'm goin' down to South
Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ I like fucking silly bitches
and I know my penis likes it. ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪

[Shouting]



- Hit her!
- Stupid girls!

- Get her, man!
- Girls suck!

- Kick his ass, Nelly!
- All boys should die!

Take him out!

I don't care if you're a
boy. I'm gonna kick your ass!

Anytime, anywhere, skank.

Together: Yeah!

Pull up your stupid pants first!

Why? You afraid to fight me like a man?

Kick her ass, Butters.
She called your stupid!

He is stupid! Look at him!

At least he's not a
z-z-zitty-faced girl.

Together: Yeah!

Hey, hey. Whoa, guys. Guys!



Come on. Hasn't this
gone on long enough?

Aren't we tired of being
so divided at school?

Get out of here, Cartman!
Nobody's buying it!

Yeah! Everyone knows you're the worst!

Heidi: Hey! Leave him alone!

Eric tries to help, and
you guys call him names?

Sorry, baby. I had to step in.

It's cool, baby.

Heidi?

Heidi has really been hurt
by all of this, you guys.

And I think for her sake,

it's time for us to all
try and come together.

As a school.

All right, sir. Don't be
nervous for your speech.

I know we're down a bit in the polls,

but there's still a great chance
we can win the swing states.

There's still a chance? Are you serious?

Just one thing, sir.

Be a little careful
what you say about women.

Uh, seems like that might
be losing us some votes.

Oh, you don't say.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our country is divided
like never before,

and we all know that only
one man has the guts to say

what we're all thinking.

Please, welcome the
man who, with your help,

will soon be the next
President of the United States!

[Cheering]

Audience: [Chanting] Douche,
Douche, Douche, Douche, Douche,

Douche, Douche, Douche,
Douche, Douche, Douche, Douche.

Whoo!

[Clears throat]

So I'm standing in line at the airport,

waiting in security 'cause
of all the freakin' Muslims...

[Cheers and applause]

Ow!

And the TSA security people all look
like black thugs from the inner city.

I'm like, "Oh, good,
you're gonna protect us?"

[Laughter]

Well, maybe it's good
they're all gang members.

At least they can tell the difference

between Muslims and Mexicans
'cause God knows I can't.

You know, I'm standing there
in line and you know what I do?

I stick my finger in
this chick's asshole.

[Scattered cheers and applause]

She turns to me and says,

"Hey, aren't you that guy
that's running for president?"

I say, "Yeah."

She says, "Why you got
your finger in my ass?"

I said, "I'm just
keeping it warm, honey,

'cause that chick next
to you is way hotter,

and I'm gonna stick it in her clam."

[Scattered laughter]

Yeah. Let's make American great again.

No dude wants his finger
in some ugly bitch's ass.

[Scattered laughter]

You got to be careful, though. It's
only about half-an-inch away, you know,

the asshole and that clam, so you
got to be careful. Right, dudes?

Oh! Oh, where you going?

You leaving?

I'm sorry. Did I offend you?

Where did I lose you, honey?

So you've been okay with the
[bleep] everyone to death,

all the Muslim and Mexican shit,

but fingers in the ass did it for you?

Cool. Just wanted to
see where your line was.

Oh, yeah, look, I guess
some more broads are leaving.

Oh, geez. You were so on board.

I can't believe I let that
little offensive mark slip!

Poor girls. Did you
get your feelings hurt

after cheering for "[bleep]
all the immigrants?"

Geez. I'm sorry. Geez.

[Danish music plays]

Hello.

Are you tired of hate speech?

Are you sick of sexism and the bigotry?

Then please help the
Danish put an end to trolls.

[Singing in Danish]

Right now, the people of Denmark

are working on a biometric
computer superstructure

which will allow people
all around the world

to identify the trolls
in their communities.

[Singing continues]

But to make this dream into a reality,

we still need your donations.

We are just a few million Kroners away,

so please donate via the
social media of your choice.

[Singing continues]

Just imagine it.

Knowing who said what on the Internet.

The whole world will
be peaceful and happy.

Like here in Denmark!

Help fund our project
on social media today!

Together: Together we will
rid the world of trolls!

[Singing continues]

Fellow trolls, we have gathered together

because our anonymity
is being threatened.

Individually, we are some of the
most notorious trolls in Colorado.

We must now find a way to unite.

Each one of us has the power to
make message boards go haywire,

the power to make
individuals buckle and fall.

Imagine if we use those
skills against a common enemy.

They have an entire
government at their disposal.

And we have Skankhunt42.

It's Gerald, all right?

I believe that he is the
key to stopping all this.

All right, everyone, listen up.

This school is falling
apart and it needs to stop.

Boys are harassing girls

and girls are
stereotyping all boys as...

Not now, Mr. Stotch! Put it away!

Okay.

Now, I've asked for some ideas,

and a couple of students
want to try and help.

Please welcome Heidi and Eric.

Hey, guys!

What's up?

Guys, we have a lot of
problems facing our school.

I don't know if many of you know Heidi,

but she is really
smart and really funny.

- [Scoffs] Stop, Eric.
- You are.

And she's come up with
a pretty cool idea.

- Tell 'em, baby.
- Thanks, babe.

I don't know if you guys
have heard, but right now,

Denmark is trying to make
trolling a thing of the past.

They're asking for help, and I
thought "Why not a school fundraiser?"

Yeah, but the way you said it was
actually way funnier, remember?

- What? How did I say it?
- Remember? You were like,

"Oh, what if we had a fundraiser in..."
What was it? Remember? It was like...

When was this? Were we at Denny's?

Yeah, we were having that
dessert thing. What was that?

[Giggling] Oh, right, and you
kept spilling it and everything.

Yeah, yeah. Remember there
was that guy that had the...

He had that weird haircut and you
kept saying that it looked like

- he had a dick on his head.
- Yeah, yeah. And you said that...

[Whispering]

[Giggling]

Oh, hey, guys. W-What's up?

Oh, right! A school fundraiser.

Tomorrow, we'll be going
to each individual class

with more information.

And after that...

Then we should all come together.

[As Cartman] As a school.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

[Vomits]

Sir, what were you thinking?

We said to be careful how
you talked about women!

Yeah, I don't know.

I guess I just kind of
screwed the pooch on that one.

We are way down in the polls!

I don't know how we recover from this!

Oh, really? Geez, that's too bad.

A lot of us have staked
our lives on backing you!

You can't just go bonkers like this!

Hey, sorry, I didn't
realize women were racists.

You have millions of supporters
who are looking to you to lead.

They're gonna want to know
what you're gonna do about this!

I mean, I don't know. Nothing. Whatever.

You want to tell them that?

They're outside.

[Shouting]

What's going on?

What are you doing?

Oh, hey, everybody.

Uh... yeah, looks like
we're tanking in the polls.

But you know what?

It's fixed.

I was never gonna win
in the first place.

I knew it from the beginning.

And on November 8th,

when I lose,

I'll be able to say "I told you so!"

This sum'ma bitch
pulled a fast one on us!

It's like he's not even trying!

Oh, no. I'm trying. I just...

Get him! [Shouting]

Shit!

[Shouting continues]

Oh, geez!

- Kill him!
- Tear his head off!

Don't let him get away!
[Chainsaw buzzing]

Yee-haw!

_

[Humming]

_

What do you want? Go away!

Hey! Just checking to see if you needed

any more refreshments
for the conference room.

We're fine. We don't need anything.

Man: Some more creamer!

Just some more creamer.

All right. Well, I just wanted
to say thanks for choosing...

Okay, we're clear again.

You were saying, Skankhunt?

All right, look. How
do you troll somebody?

Say really [bleep] up shit and
make them quit social media?

No, no, no. It's not about one person.

It's about pushing people's buttons

so that they'll react in a way

that pushes other people's buttons!

Look, you don't just

troll a woman with cancer
to get a reaction from her.

It's all about the group of people
that are gonna come to her defense!

They're gonna be so self-righteous

that another group of people will eventually
find those people totally annoying!

You're just setting
them against each other.

It's like the fission reaction

that sets off the fusion explosion!

The Internet does it all,

and you just sit back with
your glass of wine and laugh!

Wow. That seems kind of mean.

It's not mean if it's hilarious!

If we all worked with
you, Skank, could we do it?

Could we troll an entire country?

If we all work together?

Maybe.

Maybe.

[School bell rings]

Hey, guys!

Today we're gonna start
our school fundraiser.

It's an idea I came up with
called Danishes for Denmark.

It's awesome. You're doing awesome!

We need everyone to do their part,

so later on in the cafeteria,
we are all gonna need...

[Door slams open]

Okay, children. Let's take our seats.

Let's, uh, get back our
lessons on grammar, shall we?

Mr. Garrison?

Okay, does anybody, uh,
remember where we left off?

No? All right, who can tell
me what an adjective is?

Thanks. You can go now. I'm back.

Who can... Who can tell
me what an adjective is?

Uh, aren't you running for president?

Adjectives usually come before what?

They come before nouns. That's right.

[Clears throat] Mr. Garrison.

You can't just act
like nothing happened.

You're spiraling out of control

and you have to answer to the people!

I don't know what you're
talking about. I am a teacher.

Okay, adjectives describe nouns,

- and there are several types of them...
- Mr. Garrison.

What are some examples of
adjectives you can give me

for this sentence? Anybody?

You sold people a line, Mr. Garrison,

and you have to make good on it!

The yellow ball! That's a good one.

Or we can say "the
slippery ball," can't we?

- Come on.
- What else about the ball?

No, please. What else can we
say about the ball, children?

No, please! Leave me alone!

- The bouncy ball!
- No!

[Chalk squeaking] No,
I'm not going back! Please!

They're gonna kill me! Children!

Help me, children! Help me!

Okay, come on. Office is upstairs.

Oh! Hi, honey.

Gerald, you're back
from your convention?

Yeah. It went really well.

This is, uh, my I.T. guy.

Gonna help me get my
office computer set back up.

Well, can I make you
guys something to eat?

Don't worry about us,
hon. Lots of work to do.

Love you so much!

Ike, no Internet tonight.

We need all the bandwidth we can get.

Say hi to Dildo Shwaggins.

Hello.

I got to hand it to you, Gerald.

You have a really nice
home. A nice family.

Yeah, well, now you see I have a lot
to lose if they find out who I am.

And who is that?

What?

I've studied your work.

You're so good at
lashing out at the system,

bringing people down
off their high horses.

Why do you do it?

I told you. It's just funny to me.

I do it for the lolz.

I don't believe that.

I think there's more to Skankhunt.

When I was in school,

kids teased me,

called me a midget even though I'm not.

My mother was a little person,

but she actually married a
guy who had gigantism syndrome.

She thought if she was a little person

and had a baby with a giant,

I would come out normal.

[Stifled laughing]

We can't let these Danish pricks

take away our online lives, Skank.

For some of us, it's all we have.

##

Cartman and Heidi: # Let's
come together as a school #

Cartman: # We can work
together hand in hand #

♪ To make the whole
world understand that ♪

♪ We came together as a school ♪

♪ Put our differences aside ♪

♪ Feeling hope now, feeling pride ♪

♪ No more fighting, it's
time for something new ♪

♪ Let's come together as a school ♪

I really feel like this is
the start of something new.

We're gonna help Denmark,

and Denmark is gonna
put an end to trolls.

And then maybe everyone can
finally be as happy as we are.

♪ Let's come together as a school ♪

♪ And terraform Mars ♪

##

Aah!

Huh? Aah!

Advisor: He went this way!

Get back here! You're
acting like an idiot!

- Get him!
- String him up!

Man: We put our faith in you, asshole!

##

Test, test, one, two.

This is Dildo Shwaggins.

We are ready to commence
the trashing of Denmark.

All trolls report in.

PurpleHeadedQueeflicker standing by.

Che Gamorrah standing by.

MLKKK, and I'm ready.

Anonymous821 signed in to
multiple accounts and standing by.

YRFATANDDUM standing by.

SupersexyLISA18 standing by.

YOURMOMSTITS standing by.

Skankhunt42 standing by.

Slapperman: Okay, everyone
follow Skankhunt's lead.

Don't get distracted. We
are only trolling Denmark.

All right, engaging Twitter now.

Prepare for overreaction on my mark.

Three, two, mark.

[Wind howling]

[Thunder crashes]

Hey, Mr. Garrison.

Come on in, bud.

Have a seat. You're not alone.

[Shivering]

You're... you're not gonna
try and lynch me, too?

No lynchings here, little cowboy.

Take a seat.

You want to share with us
what you're going through?

It's all my fault. I just...

I just wanted to get rid of
all the immigrants, you know?

[Blows nose]

I just... I thought we could
[bleep] them all to death,

and everyone started listening to me.

Next thing I know,

I actually get the nomination
from the Republicans.

It's not your fault, little guy.

It is my fault!

I told people I could make
the country great again,

but I didn't have a plan!

Not your fault.

I got caught up in
people cheering for me,

being in the media every day.

I led this entire
election down the shitter.

You've got to stop blaming yourself.

Well, then whose fault is it?!

Here, catch.

Member Lando Calrissian?

Member Tauntauns? Member?

Member feeling safe?

What the [bleep] is this?

That is why millions of Americans

want you to be president.

But there's more.

[Knock on door]

It's started.

Did they pick it up on Yahoo!?

Don't know, but Google has
it as the number-one story.

Oh [bleep] Go to... go to Huffington.

Millions of people took
to the Internet last night

after shocking claims were made
about the Danish company LEGO

and their ties to ISIS.

Oh, yes!

This is CNN front page right now.

It now appears the country of Denmark

was the victim of a massive troll.

The country is still reeling
from the LEGO hoax story.

Tom, by the time the hoax was revealed,

the damage had already been done.

Millions of people got on
the anti-Denmark bandwagon,

and when millions more
came in to support Denmark,

hundreds of millions more got
on the anti-Denmark bandwagon.

We did it! We did it!

Oh, Kyle. Uh, hey.

Didn't think you'd be leaving yet.

I have a fundraiser at school.

Well, did you see what's
all over the Internet?

Everyone's ripping on LEGOs.

What?

Yeah, now the whole world is
blowing up with Danish jokes.

It's hilarious.

The Guardian has a bunch of stories
up about how the Denmark government

isn't responding to
even interview requests.

Wow! [Bleep] Denmark, huh, Kyle?

That's got to be what just
about everyone is thinking now.

[Bleep] Denmark.

##

Sir, public opinion of
Denmark is very, very shit.

All our social-media
pages are filled with

millions and millions
of horrible comments.

And our crowd-funding
sites are taken over, too.

Everyone is making fun of
us like we're goofballs.

How could this happen?

Because that's what trolls do!

I should have known that once
they got wind of our little plan,

they would start trolling us.

So, then Denmark isn't funding ISIS?

Of course not!

But how do we prove that
to the rest of the world?

We can't respond. It will
only make the trolls stronger.

Our only choice is to go offline.

You mean we have to quit Twitter?

Everything, you ignoramus!

The only way to stop the bleeding is
for Denmark to get off social media.

Pokar du troollldt!

Hello.

Buy a Danish to help stop trolling?

How come nobody's stopping?

Maybe this was a terrible idea.

It was a great idea.

Hey! Hey, buy a Danish for Denmark!

[Laughs] [Bleep] Denmark!

Butters: That's it!

I am through with your stupid crap!

Every house I've been to just rips
on me and says Denmark is stupid.

- What?
- It's true.

Denmark got trolled last
night. They left social media.

Then all of this was for nothing.

I told you, fellas!

This is what you get for working
with a bunch of stupid girls!

How is this our fault? At
least we actually did the work!

Oh, yeah? You guys [bleep]
up all the frosting.

You assholes overcooked them!

[All shouting]

Oh, no. This was a terrible idea.

Heidi!

I'm so stupid.

Don't say that.

Why did I even think I could bring
the boys and girls together again?

Because you're smart
and funny, that's why.

It was a great idea, Heidi.

I think that somehow trolling
is playing a bigger part in this

than anyone even realizes.

Randy: Every great
empire reaches a point

where going backward can seem
more appealing than forward.

When the world is changing so fast,

it makes us yearn for the old ways

when life seemed simpler.

But it doesn't mean those
old ideas are good for us now.

We have to face one hard
reality as a country.

The new "Star Wars" was not as
good as everyone thought it was.

It may seem fun to go back
and recycle the past we loved.

But we end up with no sustenance.

I thought you were gonna explain

why people want a guy
like me to be president.

Well, that's important, too, I guess,

but it's just a symptom
of the same thing.

See, when a civilization
has become so big,

it starts to get lazy,

and that's when you get Memberberries.

They're nothing new.

They date back all the
way to the Roman Empire.

Once too many Romans
ate the Memberberries,

there was no more growth.

They rested on their laurels,

just eating and 'membering
all the good stuff.

I think those are just grapes.

Thought so, too, till I zoomed in.

Member?

You see, we all want to go
back to when we were kids.

Simple ideas like a big man
to protect us, keep us safe.

Instead of a fresh, new
"Star Wars," we want the old,

just recycled and
plopped in our tummies.

You almost make it sound like

J.J. Abrams is responsible
for this entire election.

Does this look familiar?

_

Oh, geez.

Sir! We've got a message from overseas.

You really should see it.

A message how?

We're completely offline.

This was sent on a VHS.

Whoever sent it is
completely offline, too.

Put it on the screen.

People of Denmark,

we know that you've been
the victim of trolling.

So have we.

Maybe we can help.

I'm not sure if you know
my girlfriend, Heidi,

but she's really smart and really funny.

Stop it. No, I'm not.

You are, babe. Stop it.

Who the hell are these people?

Just listen.

Go on, babe, just tell them. Tell them.

I have an idea.

I might be able to figure out the
source of who trolled you last night.

Get everyone back inside.

If this girl really is
that smart and funny,

we might have another shot here.