South Park (1997–…): Season 20, Episode 3 - The Damned - full transcript
Skankhunt42 is thrilled with the media attention and continues to troll!
[ cheers and applause ]
we are back again with
the brave olympic gold medalist
from Denmark, Freja ollengaurd.
Freja, you've talked about
being trolled on the Internet
and its consequences.
- [ Danish accent ] yes, Heidi.
I believe trolling has a tragic
effect on innocent people.
You have been the victim of
horrific, degrading attacks
spearheaded by
a troll called skankhunt42.
Nice.
I've tried to just
ignore the trolls,
but that only seems to
make them attack me more.
It must be so awful for you to
create a website
for women like yourself
who are breast cancer survivors,
and these monsters get on
and somehow make light of it,
even going as far as
ridiculing mastectomies.
Yes, it's very disgusting,
but i still try very hard
to believe in
the goodness of humanity.
[ cheers and applause ]
well, i can tell you that the
support for you on our website
has been overwhelming.
We'd like to share some comments
we've received,
many from doctors who believe
your website is saving lives.
The first is a comment
from a physician in Spain.
"you go girl.
You're doing great things.
Don't let trolling stop you."
and that is from
Dr. juerdo titsgo in Spain.
[ laughing ]
he shoots, he scores!
And there's this one...
"believe in yourself
and don't listen to the haters.
You're an inspiration."
that's from Hungarian physician
Dr. courtsier boobsoff.
[ audience gasps ]
[ laughs ]
from the three-point line!
I'm sorry.
Am i missing something?
[ doorbell rings ]
oh! police!
Yes?
Hello, sir. we're conducting
an investigation.
Uh... regarding?
Uh, regarding what?
Do you happen to know
this child?
Oh. sure.
That's one of my son's friends.
Well, I'm afraid
he's quit Twitter.
Oh.
Another one, huh?
Yeah, but this one's different.
The events surrounding
his quitting Twitter
were very suspicious.
Most people that quit Twitter
leave at least three paragraphs
stating that
they're quitting Twitter
before they quit Twitter.
This child
just stopped using it.
Kyle!
We're simply trying to
gather information
on whether was a Twitter suicide
or Twitter homicide.
Kyle, have you seen
your friend Eric online?
No.
Uh, he quit.
Do you happen to know why, son?
He probably got fed up with
all the negativity
and decided to end it.
I don't know.
Without tweeting a goodbye?
People don't just
quit social media.
They post long, drawn-out
messages on social media
explaining why they're leaving
social media.
Look, officers,
why don't you just
go ask him why he quit Twitter?
At where, sir?
At where?
Okay, that was the cops.
The cops were here.
Cops? for what?
You know for what!
You know what we did to cartman!
- We did what we had to do.
- But we were wrong!
It's not the police
we have to worry about.
It's Eric.
He's gonna get us.
[ stammering ] fellas, we all
just have to stay cool, okay?
It doesn't matter.
He's coming.
He's gonna get us.
♪♪
Stan.
You can't just
stay in your room all day.
What happened, dad?
Everything's upside-down.
Everyone's taking sides
and splitting into groups.
Everything sucks.
Yeah, everything sucks.
Everyone's divided.
Nobody's getting along.
And there's people
like your mother
who are thinking about
voting for a douche
'cause she doesn't have a brain!
Sharon:
go to hell, Randy!
I don't know what's wrong
with people in this town.
More and more are agreeing
with your mother.
I tried getting on
community message boards
and swaying people's minds,
but it always ends up with some
asshole talking about vaginas
and photoshopping
a dick in my mouth.
That's where we're at today.
Everything sucks.
Here's everything to prepare you
for the debates, ma'am.
Just try and stay focused no
matter what your opponent says.
Don't let him rattle you.
He's gonna do whatever he can to
try and mess with your head.
Don't buy into it.
Whatever he says,
just respond with
"my opponent is a liar
and he cannot be trusted."
got it.
Decision 2016...
The first presidential debate
with moderator Lester holt.
Okay, let's get right into it.
Our first question is for you,
sir.
How will you deal with
ground troops in Syria?
Everyone, i need to just
speak from the heart here.
Uh, i don't know what
the [bleep] I'm doing.
I've got to come clean.
I-i had no idea
i would get this far,
but the fact of the matter is,
i should not be president.
Okay? i will [bleep] this
country up beyond repair.
I am a sick, angry little man.
Please, if you care at all
about the future of our country,
vote for her, okay?
She's the one who at least
has some experience.
She's... she's not
as bad as you think.
I promise.
And unlike me, she's actually
capable of running this country.
My opponent is a liar
and he cannot be trusted.
- No!
- Oh, my god.
She is such a turd sandwich.
What he is saying
is simply not true.
Do not believe it.
I am giving you this, lady!
I am giving you this!
What the [bleep] are you doing?
Okay, look. look.
Just vote for her.
She... she knows politics.
She really wants to
put this country first.
- My opponent is a liar...
- Would you just please shut up?
- And he cannot be...
- Get out of your own way!
Cannot be trusted.
[ sighs ]
okay, okay.
Look.
She doesn't mean
what she's saying.
She just doesn't know
how to take this
because it's very weird
and her advisors probably...
My opponent is a liar
and cannot be trusted.
[bleep]
oh, [bleep]
why the [bleep]
did it have to be her?
I am so [bleep]
all right, boys. I've had just
about enough of playing games.
The four of you were
good friends with Eric cartman,
and yet none of you seem to know
why he left social media.
Nobody's got anything to say?
Well, i have a theory.
I think that Eric cartman
was somehow forced to leave
social media as a retaliation
for Heidi Turner
quitting social media!
Now, because of the actions
of one sexist, bigoted,
racist troll...
aah!
We have a gender war
on our hands.
Make no mistake, gentlemen.
Our community is under attack.
And if we don't
get to the bottom of it,
there's gonna be more students
like Eric cartman
wandering the hallways
with no connection
to the rest of the world.
♪♪
Heidi:
[ whispering ] Eric.
Heidi?
Heidi Turner?
Come with me.
Where?
Join us. here.
The park?
I know how you feel, Eric.
I know how hard it is
when school gets out.
With no phone.
No human contact.
I m-miss my stuff!
[ cries ]
come on.
There are others like us here.
Look at them, Martha.
Do you see them?
What are they?
Lost souls who have
quit Twitter.
Damned to just wander the earth
and hang out and stuff.
They seem so lonely.
[ indistinct talking ]
okay.
What the [bleep] is wrong
with you people?!
I just saw a new poll that says
more and more of you
are thinking about
voting for that douche!
Some of us are.
A lot of people like
what he has to say, all right?
You're telling me
that after that debate,
you still want to
vote for that guy?
More than ever.
Yep.
Did you see
the same debates i saw?
Don't you get it, Randy?
There's people in this country
who are sick and tired.
Tired of hearing
all the rhetoric.
Tired of Washington failing us
while they pat their own backs.
Finally, someone comes along
who says what he feels.
That's why people like him.
Because, say what you want,
at least he doesn't sound like
another politician.
[ cheers and applause ]
America, please listen to me.
I have no idea
how to be president.
I am a complete jackass
and i have
made a giant mistake here.
[ cheering continues ]
no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Why are you clapping?
I am not a good person
for the white house.
I am not a good person period!
Finally, someone who doesn't
talk like a politician!
I am peeing my pants
at the thought of
being president, okay?
[ cheers and applause ]
no, shut up!
Listen to me!
You don't want a guy like me
in the white house!
You don't even want to know
the shit I've done.
Whoo-hoo!
I have scissored with another
woman when i had a sex change!
[ cheers and applause ]
- he's so honest!
No, no!
I'm not the guy you want
going to Russia
to negotiate with putin!
I'll probably end up
getting drunk
and trying to suck his dick!
[ cheers and applause ]
oh, geez!
Ike, got a minute?
Let's talk, buddy.
You know, the school
really wants us to
keep talking to our kids about
trolling on the Internet
and how serious it is.
I guess the troll from
the school message boards
is now harassing a famous
olympic athlete from Denmark.
Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this?
Yeah, well, she kind of
called him out
and said he could never
get her to quit social media,
and you know, you might say
she's asking for it.
But, uh, now this troll
is being copied by other trolls
who are all dog-piling to see if
they can get her to quit,
and, well, god only knows
what they're gonna do tonight.
Well, see ya, pal.
You be sure to let your mom know
we talked more about
the horrific consequences
of trolling.
I want to tell you
that I'm sorry.
For what?
When women first started
getting trolled
on the school message boards,
i was sure it was you.
I was wrong.
You weren't the only one.
I guess i didn't deserve
a second chance.
I really tried to make changes.
I really tried
to become a better person.
To show that
i was trying to listen.
So, when you held the assembly
that women were
just as funny as men,
you... you weren't
being sarcastic?
Women are funny, Heidi.
Get over it.
Every time Amy schumer talks
about her vagina,
i lose my [bleep] mind.
Do you miss your friends?
I don't have any friends.
I don't know if i ever did.
You do now.
Cool.
Hello, Florida.
Please put your hands together
and welcome the next president
of the United States!
[ rock music plays ]
[ cheers and applause ]
i hate all of you so much.
Man: yeah!
I seriously hold
so much contempt
for each and every one of you
pieces of shit.
[ cheers and applause ]
if you vote me in as president,
I'll seriously throw up and have
lost all faith in humanity.
[ cheers and applause ]
i agree!
I don't want to be here.
Please just let me go.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know anything.
I'm scared.
I'm completely clueless
how to proceed.
I just... spew bullshit
and cry myself to sleep
at night.
Stop thinking that
I'm anything more
than a douche in over his head.
For [bleep] sake, please.
Shit, I'm starting to
really like this guy.
Reporter:
and after stating that he was
not fit to be president,
secretary Clinton responded with
"my opponent is a liar
and cannot be trusted."
i am so confused.
In other news tonight,
Danish gold medalist
Freja ollengaurd
is the apparent victim of
extreme trolling once again.
Oh, hey.
Could you turn that up?
The athlete from Denmark
has been the target
of relentless online attacks
that began with
the troll skankhunt42.
Last night, the trolling
took a vicious turn
when Freja ollengaurd finally
succumbed to the pressure
and committed suicide.
Paul, Danish women's volleyball
champion Freja ollengaurd
has been pronounced dead
outside her apartment
in Copenhagen.
The four-time gold medal winner
took her own life
after jumping 17 floors from
the balcony of her building.
[screams]
Freja ollengaurd,
dead at the age of 38.
Oh, my god.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
Oh, my god!
Oh, god!
Oh, noooo!
[ doorbell rings ]
i was wrong, Stephen.
I'm voting for your guy.
What?
It's just...
I see what you mean.
He talks like
an ordinary person.
And he has a lot of the same
emotions i do, you know?
He's got my vote.
Are you out of
your [bleep] mind?
What?!
You want to vote for
that douche?!
He'll ruin this country.
You were just voting for him
yesterday!
Yeah, but not anymore.
What happened?
I don't know.
What the hell is wrong
with people?!
You don't just flip
back and forth like that!
You just did.
I did.
What's going on, Stephen?
Why does everything suck
this hard?
I don't know.
Nobody knows what to think
anymore.
But how did we get here...
Completely confused
and with shit for choices?
It's like... it's like there
are other forces at work.
I'm just tired of
thinking about it.
Come on. let's relax
and have some memberberry pie.
Memberberry pie?
Okay. i love memberberries.
- Member Tatooine?
- Member the torture droid?
- I member!
- Ay, member "goonies"?
- I loved "goonies"!
- Member chunk?
- Member?
- Member the trash compactor?
Oh, the trash compactor!
Wait a minute.
Troll hunter: [ Danish accent ]
citizens of Denmark,
we are under attack.
As our ancestors did
in days long ago,
we must rise
to defend our families.
A troll has come
into our village
and taken from us
a beloved Princess.
He then returned to
his secret hiding place,
crawled back to his little cave,
thinking the danes would simply
cry and run.
No.
What this troll doesn't realize
is that we have been planning
our own attack.
I am announcing here
and to the world
that a plan to destroy the troll
is underway.
For in Denmark,
there is one thing we have known
for centuries...
To get a troll
to come out of hiding,
you must say its name.
Hey.
Hey.
I was thinking again...
about how women are
just as funny as men.
And then i realized that
the only way to really be sure
is to see if African-Americans
think they're funny.
Why is that?
Because black laughs matter.
Is that a joke?
Yes, it is.
I don't get it.
Yes, you do.
Heidi,
does it ever get any easier,
living in this world?
The hardest part
is not having any followers.
I used to go places
just to show them where i was.
You want to go somewhere?
I'll follow you.
[ brakes squeak ]
mornin'.
How can i help ya?
Yeah, i had some questions
about, uh, memberberries.
Yeah. everyone wants
memberberries these days.
Right over here.
Don't know what makes them
so popular.
I've had to get rid of all my
pumpkins, my onions, my peppers
just to make room
for more memberberries.
[ indistinct talking ]
oh, my god.
There's this many?
[ talking continues ]
oh, god! oh, god! oh, god!
Oh, god! oh, god!
Protocol zero.
No evidence.
Clear history, e-mails,
delete, delete, delete, delete.
Erase, erase, trash, trash.
[ engine starts ]
[ engine revs ]
[ tires squeal ]
[ computer beeps ]
[ tires squeal ]
[ car trunk closes ]
[ grunts ]
i saw Nancy Morris today.
She has a different hair color.
Again.
I swear she doesn't think
anyone even notices.
Her natural hair color
must be clear.
Our computer's broke.
What?
It broke,
and i had to throw it away.
I thought
if a computer isn't working,
you try and get it fixed.
No, now you just throw it away.
You had all my recipes
on that filemaker program
on your computer.
I'll get us a new computer
tomorrow.
Then i can see if we can
pull your recipes up
from ike's computer,
and that way they...
Ike's computer!
Shit!
Move, move, move!
My computer is off the network,
and... and this computer
didn't mirror that computer.
But they did have
the same time machine schedule,
so then would any of my files
be accessible?
No, because they didn't know
each other's ip addresses.
What if you can
access my e-mail account
from this computer
through icloud?
If i go to icloud, my e-mails
are deleted. good.
Except there's a new e-mail.
That shouldn't have come in.
Why would an e-mail to me have
come in if i deleted everything?
[ beeps ]
"i know who you are."
you?
Do you know who i am?
Do you know who i am, ike?!
No.
But i want to, dad.
Not like that, smartass!
Delete. delete the account,
not the e-mails.
[ beeps ]
"meet me under
the freemont bridge,
9:00 A.M. tomorrow."
oh, god.
You dip your French fries
in a sweet-and-sour sauce?
Yeah, it's the best, dude.
Try it.
Wow.
That's really good.
I'm starting to feel like
life isn't gonna be so bad.
Yeah.
I think i am, too.
Heidi, can i ask you something?
Yeah, of course.
Do girls...
not have balls?
Girls do not have balls.
No.
So, when a girl goes to
scratch her balls,
how does that work?
I just don't understand what's
at the bottom of a vagina.
Do you want me to show you?
Holy shit.
Okay, okay, look.
She doesn't mean
what she's saying.
She just doesn't know
how to take this
because it's very weird
and her advisors probably...
My opponent is a liar
and cannot be trusted.
[bleep]
oh, [bleep]
why the [bleep] did it
have to be her?
I am so [bleep]
we are back again with
the brave olympic gold medalist
from Denmark, Freja ollengaurd.
Freja, you've talked about
being trolled on the Internet
and its consequences.
- [ Danish accent ] yes, Heidi.
I believe trolling has a tragic
effect on innocent people.
You have been the victim of
horrific, degrading attacks
spearheaded by
a troll called skankhunt42.
Nice.
I've tried to just
ignore the trolls,
but that only seems to
make them attack me more.
It must be so awful for you to
create a website
for women like yourself
who are breast cancer survivors,
and these monsters get on
and somehow make light of it,
even going as far as
ridiculing mastectomies.
Yes, it's very disgusting,
but i still try very hard
to believe in
the goodness of humanity.
[ cheers and applause ]
well, i can tell you that the
support for you on our website
has been overwhelming.
We'd like to share some comments
we've received,
many from doctors who believe
your website is saving lives.
The first is a comment
from a physician in Spain.
"you go girl.
You're doing great things.
Don't let trolling stop you."
and that is from
Dr. juerdo titsgo in Spain.
[ laughing ]
he shoots, he scores!
And there's this one...
"believe in yourself
and don't listen to the haters.
You're an inspiration."
that's from Hungarian physician
Dr. courtsier boobsoff.
[ audience gasps ]
[ laughs ]
from the three-point line!
I'm sorry.
Am i missing something?
[ doorbell rings ]
oh! police!
Yes?
Hello, sir. we're conducting
an investigation.
Uh... regarding?
Uh, regarding what?
Do you happen to know
this child?
Oh. sure.
That's one of my son's friends.
Well, I'm afraid
he's quit Twitter.
Oh.
Another one, huh?
Yeah, but this one's different.
The events surrounding
his quitting Twitter
were very suspicious.
Most people that quit Twitter
leave at least three paragraphs
stating that
they're quitting Twitter
before they quit Twitter.
This child
just stopped using it.
Kyle!
We're simply trying to
gather information
on whether was a Twitter suicide
or Twitter homicide.
Kyle, have you seen
your friend Eric online?
No.
Uh, he quit.
Do you happen to know why, son?
He probably got fed up with
all the negativity
and decided to end it.
I don't know.
Without tweeting a goodbye?
People don't just
quit social media.
They post long, drawn-out
messages on social media
explaining why they're leaving
social media.
Look, officers,
why don't you just
go ask him why he quit Twitter?
At where, sir?
At where?
Okay, that was the cops.
The cops were here.
Cops? for what?
You know for what!
You know what we did to cartman!
- We did what we had to do.
- But we were wrong!
It's not the police
we have to worry about.
It's Eric.
He's gonna get us.
[ stammering ] fellas, we all
just have to stay cool, okay?
It doesn't matter.
He's coming.
He's gonna get us.
♪♪
Stan.
You can't just
stay in your room all day.
What happened, dad?
Everything's upside-down.
Everyone's taking sides
and splitting into groups.
Everything sucks.
Yeah, everything sucks.
Everyone's divided.
Nobody's getting along.
And there's people
like your mother
who are thinking about
voting for a douche
'cause she doesn't have a brain!
Sharon:
go to hell, Randy!
I don't know what's wrong
with people in this town.
More and more are agreeing
with your mother.
I tried getting on
community message boards
and swaying people's minds,
but it always ends up with some
asshole talking about vaginas
and photoshopping
a dick in my mouth.
That's where we're at today.
Everything sucks.
Here's everything to prepare you
for the debates, ma'am.
Just try and stay focused no
matter what your opponent says.
Don't let him rattle you.
He's gonna do whatever he can to
try and mess with your head.
Don't buy into it.
Whatever he says,
just respond with
"my opponent is a liar
and he cannot be trusted."
got it.
Decision 2016...
The first presidential debate
with moderator Lester holt.
Okay, let's get right into it.
Our first question is for you,
sir.
How will you deal with
ground troops in Syria?
Everyone, i need to just
speak from the heart here.
Uh, i don't know what
the [bleep] I'm doing.
I've got to come clean.
I-i had no idea
i would get this far,
but the fact of the matter is,
i should not be president.
Okay? i will [bleep] this
country up beyond repair.
I am a sick, angry little man.
Please, if you care at all
about the future of our country,
vote for her, okay?
She's the one who at least
has some experience.
She's... she's not
as bad as you think.
I promise.
And unlike me, she's actually
capable of running this country.
My opponent is a liar
and he cannot be trusted.
- No!
- Oh, my god.
She is such a turd sandwich.
What he is saying
is simply not true.
Do not believe it.
I am giving you this, lady!
I am giving you this!
What the [bleep] are you doing?
Okay, look. look.
Just vote for her.
She... she knows politics.
She really wants to
put this country first.
- My opponent is a liar...
- Would you just please shut up?
- And he cannot be...
- Get out of your own way!
Cannot be trusted.
[ sighs ]
okay, okay.
Look.
She doesn't mean
what she's saying.
She just doesn't know
how to take this
because it's very weird
and her advisors probably...
My opponent is a liar
and cannot be trusted.
[bleep]
oh, [bleep]
why the [bleep]
did it have to be her?
I am so [bleep]
all right, boys. I've had just
about enough of playing games.
The four of you were
good friends with Eric cartman,
and yet none of you seem to know
why he left social media.
Nobody's got anything to say?
Well, i have a theory.
I think that Eric cartman
was somehow forced to leave
social media as a retaliation
for Heidi Turner
quitting social media!
Now, because of the actions
of one sexist, bigoted,
racist troll...
aah!
We have a gender war
on our hands.
Make no mistake, gentlemen.
Our community is under attack.
And if we don't
get to the bottom of it,
there's gonna be more students
like Eric cartman
wandering the hallways
with no connection
to the rest of the world.
♪♪
Heidi:
[ whispering ] Eric.
Heidi?
Heidi Turner?
Come with me.
Where?
Join us. here.
The park?
I know how you feel, Eric.
I know how hard it is
when school gets out.
With no phone.
No human contact.
I m-miss my stuff!
[ cries ]
come on.
There are others like us here.
Look at them, Martha.
Do you see them?
What are they?
Lost souls who have
quit Twitter.
Damned to just wander the earth
and hang out and stuff.
They seem so lonely.
[ indistinct talking ]
okay.
What the [bleep] is wrong
with you people?!
I just saw a new poll that says
more and more of you
are thinking about
voting for that douche!
Some of us are.
A lot of people like
what he has to say, all right?
You're telling me
that after that debate,
you still want to
vote for that guy?
More than ever.
Yep.
Did you see
the same debates i saw?
Don't you get it, Randy?
There's people in this country
who are sick and tired.
Tired of hearing
all the rhetoric.
Tired of Washington failing us
while they pat their own backs.
Finally, someone comes along
who says what he feels.
That's why people like him.
Because, say what you want,
at least he doesn't sound like
another politician.
[ cheers and applause ]
America, please listen to me.
I have no idea
how to be president.
I am a complete jackass
and i have
made a giant mistake here.
[ cheering continues ]
no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Why are you clapping?
I am not a good person
for the white house.
I am not a good person period!
Finally, someone who doesn't
talk like a politician!
I am peeing my pants
at the thought of
being president, okay?
[ cheers and applause ]
no, shut up!
Listen to me!
You don't want a guy like me
in the white house!
You don't even want to know
the shit I've done.
Whoo-hoo!
I have scissored with another
woman when i had a sex change!
[ cheers and applause ]
- he's so honest!
No, no!
I'm not the guy you want
going to Russia
to negotiate with putin!
I'll probably end up
getting drunk
and trying to suck his dick!
[ cheers and applause ]
oh, geez!
Ike, got a minute?
Let's talk, buddy.
You know, the school
really wants us to
keep talking to our kids about
trolling on the Internet
and how serious it is.
I guess the troll from
the school message boards
is now harassing a famous
olympic athlete from Denmark.
Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this?
Yeah, well, she kind of
called him out
and said he could never
get her to quit social media,
and you know, you might say
she's asking for it.
But, uh, now this troll
is being copied by other trolls
who are all dog-piling to see if
they can get her to quit,
and, well, god only knows
what they're gonna do tonight.
Well, see ya, pal.
You be sure to let your mom know
we talked more about
the horrific consequences
of trolling.
I want to tell you
that I'm sorry.
For what?
When women first started
getting trolled
on the school message boards,
i was sure it was you.
I was wrong.
You weren't the only one.
I guess i didn't deserve
a second chance.
I really tried to make changes.
I really tried
to become a better person.
To show that
i was trying to listen.
So, when you held the assembly
that women were
just as funny as men,
you... you weren't
being sarcastic?
Women are funny, Heidi.
Get over it.
Every time Amy schumer talks
about her vagina,
i lose my [bleep] mind.
Do you miss your friends?
I don't have any friends.
I don't know if i ever did.
You do now.
Cool.
Hello, Florida.
Please put your hands together
and welcome the next president
of the United States!
[ rock music plays ]
[ cheers and applause ]
i hate all of you so much.
Man: yeah!
I seriously hold
so much contempt
for each and every one of you
pieces of shit.
[ cheers and applause ]
if you vote me in as president,
I'll seriously throw up and have
lost all faith in humanity.
[ cheers and applause ]
i agree!
I don't want to be here.
Please just let me go.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know anything.
I'm scared.
I'm completely clueless
how to proceed.
I just... spew bullshit
and cry myself to sleep
at night.
Stop thinking that
I'm anything more
than a douche in over his head.
For [bleep] sake, please.
Shit, I'm starting to
really like this guy.
Reporter:
and after stating that he was
not fit to be president,
secretary Clinton responded with
"my opponent is a liar
and cannot be trusted."
i am so confused.
In other news tonight,
Danish gold medalist
Freja ollengaurd
is the apparent victim of
extreme trolling once again.
Oh, hey.
Could you turn that up?
The athlete from Denmark
has been the target
of relentless online attacks
that began with
the troll skankhunt42.
Last night, the trolling
took a vicious turn
when Freja ollengaurd finally
succumbed to the pressure
and committed suicide.
Paul, Danish women's volleyball
champion Freja ollengaurd
has been pronounced dead
outside her apartment
in Copenhagen.
The four-time gold medal winner
took her own life
after jumping 17 floors from
the balcony of her building.
[screams]
Freja ollengaurd,
dead at the age of 38.
Oh, my god.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
Oh, my god!
Oh, god!
Oh, noooo!
[ doorbell rings ]
i was wrong, Stephen.
I'm voting for your guy.
What?
It's just...
I see what you mean.
He talks like
an ordinary person.
And he has a lot of the same
emotions i do, you know?
He's got my vote.
Are you out of
your [bleep] mind?
What?!
You want to vote for
that douche?!
He'll ruin this country.
You were just voting for him
yesterday!
Yeah, but not anymore.
What happened?
I don't know.
What the hell is wrong
with people?!
You don't just flip
back and forth like that!
You just did.
I did.
What's going on, Stephen?
Why does everything suck
this hard?
I don't know.
Nobody knows what to think
anymore.
But how did we get here...
Completely confused
and with shit for choices?
It's like... it's like there
are other forces at work.
I'm just tired of
thinking about it.
Come on. let's relax
and have some memberberry pie.
Memberberry pie?
Okay. i love memberberries.
- Member Tatooine?
- Member the torture droid?
- I member!
- Ay, member "goonies"?
- I loved "goonies"!
- Member chunk?
- Member?
- Member the trash compactor?
Oh, the trash compactor!
Wait a minute.
Troll hunter: [ Danish accent ]
citizens of Denmark,
we are under attack.
As our ancestors did
in days long ago,
we must rise
to defend our families.
A troll has come
into our village
and taken from us
a beloved Princess.
He then returned to
his secret hiding place,
crawled back to his little cave,
thinking the danes would simply
cry and run.
No.
What this troll doesn't realize
is that we have been planning
our own attack.
I am announcing here
and to the world
that a plan to destroy the troll
is underway.
For in Denmark,
there is one thing we have known
for centuries...
To get a troll
to come out of hiding,
you must say its name.
Hey.
Hey.
I was thinking again...
about how women are
just as funny as men.
And then i realized that
the only way to really be sure
is to see if African-Americans
think they're funny.
Why is that?
Because black laughs matter.
Is that a joke?
Yes, it is.
I don't get it.
Yes, you do.
Heidi,
does it ever get any easier,
living in this world?
The hardest part
is not having any followers.
I used to go places
just to show them where i was.
You want to go somewhere?
I'll follow you.
[ brakes squeak ]
mornin'.
How can i help ya?
Yeah, i had some questions
about, uh, memberberries.
Yeah. everyone wants
memberberries these days.
Right over here.
Don't know what makes them
so popular.
I've had to get rid of all my
pumpkins, my onions, my peppers
just to make room
for more memberberries.
[ indistinct talking ]
oh, my god.
There's this many?
[ talking continues ]
oh, god! oh, god! oh, god!
Oh, god! oh, god!
Protocol zero.
No evidence.
Clear history, e-mails,
delete, delete, delete, delete.
Erase, erase, trash, trash.
[ engine starts ]
[ engine revs ]
[ tires squeal ]
[ computer beeps ]
[ tires squeal ]
[ car trunk closes ]
[ grunts ]
i saw Nancy Morris today.
She has a different hair color.
Again.
I swear she doesn't think
anyone even notices.
Her natural hair color
must be clear.
Our computer's broke.
What?
It broke,
and i had to throw it away.
I thought
if a computer isn't working,
you try and get it fixed.
No, now you just throw it away.
You had all my recipes
on that filemaker program
on your computer.
I'll get us a new computer
tomorrow.
Then i can see if we can
pull your recipes up
from ike's computer,
and that way they...
Ike's computer!
Shit!
Move, move, move!
My computer is off the network,
and... and this computer
didn't mirror that computer.
But they did have
the same time machine schedule,
so then would any of my files
be accessible?
No, because they didn't know
each other's ip addresses.
What if you can
access my e-mail account
from this computer
through icloud?
If i go to icloud, my e-mails
are deleted. good.
Except there's a new e-mail.
That shouldn't have come in.
Why would an e-mail to me have
come in if i deleted everything?
[ beeps ]
"i know who you are."
you?
Do you know who i am?
Do you know who i am, ike?!
No.
But i want to, dad.
Not like that, smartass!
Delete. delete the account,
not the e-mails.
[ beeps ]
"meet me under
the freemont bridge,
9:00 A.M. tomorrow."
oh, god.
You dip your French fries
in a sweet-and-sour sauce?
Yeah, it's the best, dude.
Try it.
Wow.
That's really good.
I'm starting to feel like
life isn't gonna be so bad.
Yeah.
I think i am, too.
Heidi, can i ask you something?
Yeah, of course.
Do girls...
not have balls?
Girls do not have balls.
No.
So, when a girl goes to
scratch her balls,
how does that work?
I just don't understand what's
at the bottom of a vagina.
Do you want me to show you?
Holy shit.
Okay, okay, look.
She doesn't mean
what she's saying.
She just doesn't know
how to take this
because it's very weird
and her advisors probably...
My opponent is a liar
and cannot be trusted.
[bleep]
oh, [bleep]
why the [bleep] did it
have to be her?
I am so [bleep]