South Park (1997–…): Season 20, Episode 1 - Member Berries - full transcript

Mr. Garrison is still on the campaign trail, and the National Anthem gets a reboot by an American Icon.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Hello, everyone,
and welcome back.

We are live at
South Park Elementary school,

where the local
girls volleyball team

is about to take on
the Jefferson Sabers.

And, Jim, it is a packed.

Sell-out crowd tonight --
the first time in team history.

Everyone turning out
to see what's gonna happen.

That's right, Mike.
All eyes tonight

are of course on 4th grader
Nichole Daniels.

Will she sit or stand
for the national anthem?



This week, with athletes
all over the country

sitting down for
the national anthem,

the question on
everyone's mind is,

what is this
little girl gonna do?

She's not gonna sit down.
Why would she?

Screw that. I got a hundred
bucks riding on this.

Come on, Nichole!
Sit it out!

MAN: Now please rise
for the national anthem.

This is it!

[ "The Star Spangled Banner"
plays ]

ANNOUNCER #1:
The national anthem starts.

Nichole Daniels seems
to be waiting.

So far, no sign of --

Oh, and Heidi Turner
is sitting down!



[ Crowd gasping ]

ANNOUNCER #2: Mike,
this is totally unexpected.

All eyes were on Nichole
when Heidi Turner

comes out of nowhere
and sits down for --

And there goes
Meagan Ridley!

The crowd is going wild.
What a turn of events.

Let's check in with Dave.

Ed and Mike, I've just looked
at the girls' Twitter accounts,

and it appears they are sitting
out the national anthem

to protest all
the harassment and trolling

they receive on the Internet!

Complete surprise, Dave.
Nobody saw this coming.

Three girls
now sitting down, and --

and finally
there goes Nichole.

-Wow!
-Yeah, 100 bucks!

And now as the anthem draws
to a close, this thing is over.

The final result --
four athletes sitting out

on the national anthem,
three of them not even black.

A shocker
here in South Park.

Thanks for joining us.

Oh, my God,
that was great!

Uh, play ball.

[ Whistle blows ]

All right, ladies,
first of all, I want to say

that I completely respect
your decision to protest

our national anthem.

I thought it was sweet.

I believe you shed some light
on some very important issues

regarding gender equality.

What are you doing
about Eric Cartman?

Ladies, I understand
you're upset about

the trolling you've
received on the Internet.

But there is no evidence that
Eric Cartman is skankhunt42.

It is him.
It's completely obvious,

and nobody's doing
anything about it.

Well, he claims that
he's been working

at changing himself
and the world around him.

[ Clicks ]
Send in Mr. Cartman.

You wanted to see me,
PC Principal?

Mr. Cartman, I'm gonna
ask you one more time.

Are you or are you not
the Internet troll skankhunt42?

It's skank-hunt42,
and no, I am not.

He's lying.
Make him show you his phone.

Unfortunately, that'd be
a breach of my civil rights.

But I can assure you,
nobody respected

you girls' poignant protests
more than I did.

Fellow Senators, our nation
is divided like never before.

While people everywhere fight
for their voices to be heard,

perhaps it is time
for us to consider

that our national anthem
needs to be changed.

Americans need an anthem
that inspires and excites,

an anthem that has
something for everyone,

while still paying tribute
to what it once was.

I believe there's only
one person capable

of achieving this --

J.J. Abrams.

MAN: Oh, J.J. Abrams!

[ All murmuring ]

He saved "Star Wars,"

and now we will ask him
to save our country.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Mr. Abrams?

Mr. Abrams, we need
to speak with you.

Look there.

Mr. Abrams, I speak on behalf
of Americans everywhere.

We've come to ask you
to reboot the national anthem.

Please, Mr. Abrams,

we know you've been
asked to reboot a lot.

[ Whispering ]
We know you're tired.

We know you're tired.

What do you say, sir?

We all want something new,

but that makes us remember
the things we loved.

We want to member.

We need
your memberberries!

One light means yes.

Two lights means no.

[ All cheering ]

Fellow students, as you know,
an Internet troll

by the name of skankhunt42 has
been harassing women and girls

by making degrading comments
on our school message board.

The girls are very upset,
and many male students believe

that it's just because girls
don't have a sense of humor.

I beg to disagree.

Girls rule. Women are funny.
Get over it.

Just the other day
in the hallway,

I heard two male students saying
how the new "Ghostbusters"

sucked balls.

I was shocked and appalled.

It is time for us all
to realize and accept

that girls are cool
and women are funny.

Wendy? Wendy, could you
come up here, please?

Come on up, Wendy.
Wendy Testaburger, guys.

[ Applause ]

Wendy, go ahead.
Be funny.

Say something funny, Wendy.
We can't wait.

I'm not funny.

Hey, girls are funny Wendy,
okay? Get over it.

Just do women's comedy stuff --
you know, talk about

how fat you are and how
you want to have sex with guys

and then say
"my vagina!" a lot.

I don't feel like
being funny right now.

And that's just the kind
of sexist bull crap

that's gonna keep you
in the kitchen.

Sit your ass down.

This isn't a joke, you guys.
Girls are funny.

Bebe, why don't
you come up here.

Come on, Bebe.

No!

No?

Come on, talk about
having sex with guys

and say "vagina!"
and stuff like that.

Go ahead.

Girls rule. Women are funny.

Bebe, get over yourself,
seriously.

Get the mic
out of my face!

Huh. Oh, my God, that wasn't
really all that funny.

That's weird. Um...

Let's see. Red, you got
any zingers for the crowd?

No?
How about you, Nelly?

Yeah, I got one.
You're a fat [bleep]

[ Laughing ]

'Kay, that wasn't really funny.
It was just angry.

You see, what the problem is,
is that when a little troll

is allowed to say anything
he wants anonymously,

then he speaks
for all you boys.

'Kay, that's good.
Now, just try and say it

a little bit
funnier now.

Go ahead and get on
our school message board

and see what
he's saying about us.

Then see if you guys
think it's funny.

Okay, and then -- and then --
and then just go "my vagina!"

And as our country seems
to be more and more divided,

the only hope is that

J.J. Abrams' new
national anthem

will appeal to everyone
and bring back

those nostalgic memberberries
we know and love.

Oh, great.

Everything's getting
a reboot now.

[ Knock at door ]

Hello, sir.
I'm with the Gallup poll.

We're trying to get
a read on how people

will be voting in the upcoming
presidential election.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Great. And will you be
voting for the Giant Douche

or the Turd Sandwich?

Well, this is usually
a Giant Douche household,

but we are going firmly
with the Turd Sandwich.

Oh, the Turd Sandwich,
huh?

That's right.

You can put my wife and I both
down for Turd Sandwich.

Well,
good luck with that.

So far, Giant Douche
is leading in the polls.

[ Dramatic notes play ]

What?

What the hell
is wrong with people?

They really think that
a Giant Douche

should be president?

It's insane!

Why'd you say I'd be voting for
the Turd Sandwich, Randy?

You haven't even
talked to me about it.

You can't possibly be thinking
about voting for the douche.

[ Groans ]

What's wrong with you?

I just don't understand
why every four years,

you people freak out
over whether to vote for

a Giant Douche
or a Turd Sandwich.

Because we're Americans.

'Cause this is America.

Why are we
doing this again?

Why are we back to Giant Douche
and Turd Sandwich?

Cynical...

Cynical man!

You just think everything
and everyone is dumb, huh?

'Cause you're a kneel-ist
[nihilist]?

It's ni-hi-list.

See? You're such
a nihilist.

The newest Gallup poll
results are in,

and they show Giant Douche
to be leading Turd Sandwich

by nearly 10%.

Turd sandwich has said
there is no need to panic.

Polls are of course
a useful tool,

but they can often
be misleading.

Our campaign is holding strong.

-Mrs. Sandwich, over here!
-Uh, Mrs. Sandwich.

-Mrs. Sandwich!
-Question, Mrs. Sandwich!

Yes, Arthur.

Well, Mrs. Sandwich,
do you believe

that your opponent will gain
any momentum from this poll?

I'm sure that like me,
Giant Douche realizes

that polls are never
the final answer.

♪ Sell to me, baby

Yeah!

Suck that poll,
you dumb bitch!

Up 10%. Can you
believe that shit?

Oh, Caitlyn, I think we're
really gonna win this thing.

Think about it.

In a couple of months,

I will be president
of the United States.

[ Music stops ]

Caitlyn, can I
ask you something?

Uh, when we actually
get into the White House,

like, um, what are we gonna do?

What do you mean?

Well I mean, like,
you know, once we're

president and vice president,
like, what do we do then?

How the [bleep]
should I know?

Cait, you -- you heard
about the poll, right?

We're probably gonna win.

Don't tell me
you don't have a plan!

What plan?
I thought you had a plan!

I don't have
any [bleep] plan!

That's why I have you!

I'm gonna be the president,
and you're gonna be in charge

of all foreign
and domestic policies!

I thought you were
gonna do that part.

Are you telling me that we're
about to be voted into office,

and we have no idea what
the [bleep] we're gonna do?!

[ Dramatic notes play ]

Oh, geez!

I think they called it

"German collective guilt,"
right?

Where even the Germans
who just did nothing

while Hitler rose to power
were -- were maybe somehow

also responsible?

Mm-hmm. M'kay. M'kay.

But I can't control
what Cartman does,

so why should I feel shame
for what Cartman does?

Well, J.J. Abrams is rebooting
the national anthem, Kyle,

so everything's gonna
be fine, m'kay?

I don't think the answer
to all this is memberberries.

You don't like
mem-- memberberries?

[ Groans ] Never mind.
I'm just gonna stay out of it.

'Member Chewbacca?

Yeah, a-a-and 'member AT-ATs?

'Member?

Hey, hey!

'Member "Ghostbusters"?

Oh, I 'member.

'Member Slimer?

-Oh, I loved Slimer.
-'Member?!

How could someone think
these things are bad?

[ All talking ]

-'Member Storm Troopers?
-'Member?

MAN:
The Commander In Chief Forum,

with a Giant Douche
and a Turd Sandwich.

[ Applause ]

Back now with
the Commander In Chief Forum.

I am joined by the Republican
nominee -- a Giant Douche.

Thanks, Matt.

Mr. Douche, some say
you don't actually have

a viable plan in place if you
were to be elected president.

[ Laughs ] Oh, well,
well, who said that?

The Turd Sandwich?

In your campaign,
you said that you will

deal with our country's
immigrants and enemies

by personally
"[Bleep]ing them all to death."

How do you plan
to actually achieve that?

Well, Matt, I don't think
I said I would

[bleep] them all to death.

Okay, well, let's
roll the tape on that.

Oh, sure, okay.

Well, there's only
one immigration policy

that I believe in, and that's
[bleep] them all to death!

[Bleep] them all to death.

Let's make this
country great again.

ALL:
[Bleep] them all to death!

And then I'm gonna take all
the drug pushers in our country,

and I'm gonna [bleep] them!

And you know those
people in Syria?

I'm gonna [bleep] them.

That's why I will make sure
that every terrorist on Earth

is [bleep] dead!

The leaders of North Korea,
I'll [bleep] them all!

Yeah! Yeah!

Criminals in our jails --
[bleep]ing dead!

A day after...

Yeah! Those ads that
are trying to kill us?

I'll [bleep] anyone in
the advertising business,

and they'll all die, too!

So, by our estimates,
it's roughly 7.6 million people

you have promised
to [bleep] to death

in your first year
of office.

Uh-huh. Okay.

And -- And you think
that's achievable?

I do. I do, Matt.
Uh, I mean...

I'm not gonna just
get elected, you know,

and -- and look
like a jackass.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Oh, geez...

All right, kids.

Today, we have
a very special treat.

One of the older students
has written

an original children's story
and is gonna read it to you.

Come on over, Eric.

Hi, guys!

Are you all ready
to hear a story?

-Yeah.
-Yeah!

This was a book I created
all with my imagination.

It's called
"Little Red Riding Kyle:

the Story of a Little Gay Boy
and His Adventure

with Four Hilarious Women."

"One day, Little Red Riding Kyle
was walking through the forest,

thinking about guys.

He was on his way
to visit his grandma,

who was a little
black boy named Token.

Get over it.

But, then, a big, bad wolf,
who was a hilarious woman

named Janet, walked
into the house and said,

'I have a large vagina!'

and traded place--

[ Door slams ]

What the hell
are you doing?!

Rebooting fairy tales
to try and ease the friction

caused by Internet trolls.

You really think
you're fooling anyone

with this fake persona?

Everyone knows you're
acting this way by day

so you can be horrible to people
on the Internet at night!

Why would I do that,
Kyle?

I don't really care!
Just don't drag me into it!

[ Book slams ]

What is wrong
with people, huh?

How can they vote against
a Turd Sandwich

more than a Giant Douche?!

It's senseless!

Randy,
you got to calm down.

How can anyone be calm
in a time like this?!

People actually think a turd
is worse than a douche!

Look, maybe you need
some supplements

to help calm your nerves.

Have you heard
of memberberries?

Memberberries?

It's a new super fruit that
helps you mellow out and relax.

'Member "The Fugitive"?

-'Member "Akira"?
-'Member "Alien Nation"?

[ All talking ]

The guys at work
told me about them.

Been taking them
about six months now.

I'm telling you, they
really take the edge off.

-'Member explorers?
-The little kids in a spaceship?

-'Member Stormtroopers?
-'Member?

Oh, they're adorable.

'Member the Millennium Falcon?

Come on, people, I need answers!

Real solutions!

You're my advisers,
for Christ's sake!

How do we do this?!

Maybe if you swam
in a pool in Florida,

you could contract
the Zika virus.

Then, you [bleep]
all the people you can

and hope
they eventually die.

That would take
way too long!

And there's no guarantee
every pool in Florida has Zika!

Could you use nuclear weapons,

then [bleep] all the bodies
after the fact?

[ Groans ] What
the hell do I do?

If I win, I won't be able
to do what I promised.

But every day,
I keep going up in the polls.

Why did the Democrats have
to elect such a Turd Sandwich?

Maybe you should just quit.

If I quit, I look
like a total jackass.

If I win the election...

I look like a total jackass.

I have to keep running,

but I have to make sure
she wins.

[ Dramatic notes play ]

[ Laughs ] You guys see

what skankhunt42 did
on the school server now?

[ Chuckles ] He Photoshopped
a picture of Heidi Turner's mom

with a dick in her mouth!

I want to see.

Look! There's Wendy's mom with
a dick in her mouth, too?!

[ Chuckling ]

God damn it!

Do you guys even care
how this makes the girls feel?

We didn't do it.

We all know who did.

And if we don't do something,

then the girls will eventually
retaliate against us.

Help! Help me!

[ Sobbing ]

Eric,
what happened?!

A bunch of the girls --
they cornered me in the gym!

They said all boys
needed to pay!

They kicked me,
and they hit me,

and then they held me down
and drew this vagina on my face!

They said it was
to send a message!

That's a vagina?

Yeah, see?
Here's the top of the vagina,

and there's the balls.

It's starting, you guys!
None of us are safe anymore!

I didn't know
vaginas had balls.

Yeah, no, they do.

Vaginas totally
have balls, right?

You're just trying
to start a war, aren't you?

What do you mean?

If vaginas don't have balls,
what do they have?

It's not gonna
work, Cartman!

I'm not gonna let you
divide boys and girls

in this school anymore!

When this whole thing
comes to a head,

you're gonna be
all on your own.

[ Dialing ]

Hello, sir.
How are you today?

I'm calling from
the campaign for president,

just seeing if, uh,
I can get your support

for Hillary Clinton today?

Yes, I know she's a Turd
Sandwich, but, you know,

if -- if you look past that,
you know, she --

she really has a lot to offer.

Well, I hear you, but, you know,
sometimes in life,

you just got to
suck a turd, you know?

Hello?

Damn it!

This is impossible!

Are you having
any success, Caitlyn?

I've tried to get
people on board,

but she's just such
a Turd Sandwich.

You're just gonna have to
do something awful

to throw the election.

Every time
I do something awful,

people just get
more stoked on me!

It's impossible to
piss people off anymore!

MAN: This is breaking news!

The moment has arrived.

It is here.

J.J. Abrams says he has finished
the new national anthem.

Turn it up.

The anthem is sure
to be fresh and exciting,

while recapturing the moments
we all knew and loved.

Democratic nominee
Turd Sandwich says

she will be in attendance
to show her support

for the rebooted anthem.

Oh, geez.

Let's all hope
that this new anthem

puts our differences aside

and unites this nation
once again.

That's it, Cait.

That's what I have to do.

I'm gonna sit out
the national anthem

on live television.

Then everyone will have to vote
for that Turd Sandwich.

'Member Spock?

Yeah! 'Member tricorders?

-I 'member!
-'Member that?!

-Yeah!
-'Member?!

Oh, and 'member Bionic Man?

Oh I 'member.

I loved Bionic Man.

-Mmm.
-'Member?

[ All talking ]

'Member Chewbacca again?

Oh, I love to 'member Chewbacca!

'Member?

'Member that?!

Hey, 'member when there
weren't so many Mexicans?

Oh! I 'member.

Wait, what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

'Member when marriage was just
between a man and a woman.

-I 'member!
-Ooh, I 'member!

-Oh, yeah!
-Yeah, I 'member that.

-Wait.
-'Member feeling safe?

'Member no ISIS?

'Member Reagan?

Ooh! I 'member!

-Ooh, 'member?!
-Ooh, 'member?!

[ Spits ] What the [bleep] going
on with these memberberries?

[ Knock at door ]

Yeah?

Hey, Broship.
Got a minute?

What are you
doing here?

You were right,
Kyle, okay?

I drew the vagina
on my face.

I tried to fool people,
but you keenly noticed

my one tiny error
in that girls don't have balls.

I'm going
to the bathroom.

Kyle, you have to try
and appreciate what I'm doing.

I know that a war is coming
between us and the girls.

I knew it the moment they
sat out the national anthem.

They sat it out because
you were harassing them online!

Suppose for one second
that I'm not skankhunt42

and that I really have
been doing what I've been doing

to try and stop
the damage he has done.

Why would you care?

Because I'm scared, Kyle.

Don't know if you've noticed,
but race wars are back,

and now if we get
gender wars, too?

If we could just prove
who the troll was,

then the girls wouldn't be
wanting a war, would they?

Yeah, but you can't track down
an Internet troll.

It's too bad.

Just know this, Cartman --
I'm going to prove

who skankhunk42 is,
whatever it takes.

Everyone is going to know,

and skankhunt is gonna pay
for everything he's ever said.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hello, everyone.

We are live
at tonight's game

between the 49ers
and the Panthers.

But of course what
everyone is really here for --

the unveiling of
the new national anthem,

rebooted by J.J. Abrams.

And, Mike, this new anthem
is said to have everything

the old one had, but some new
surprises, as well.

You'd have to be
an absolute asshole

not to stand
and support it.

This is such a big night
for America

that both the presidential
candidates are here.

There you can see
the Turd Sandwich

waving to all four people
excited by her,

and there is the Giant Douche
doing the same.

When I sit down
to not support this thing,

I'm sure to lose this election.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen...

Here it is!

And the anthem begins.
Let's hope this fixes America.

For our national anthem,
we now ask you all

in solidarity to please rise,

or sit,

or take a knee

in order to honor America.

Wait. Uh, wait, what? Wait?!
♪ O say can you...

Oh! And J.J. Abrams
has absolutely shattered

expectations, Mike!

Now, whether people are
standing, sitting, or kneeling,

they are all
honoring America.

J.J. Abrams is a wizard, Tom --
a wizard!

More people sitting now as
Abrams has made it irrelevant.

Who saw this coming?

And there's the rest
of the anthem,

all the parts
we remembered and loved.

J.J. Abrams
has fixed America.

No! This was supposed to -- oh!

Oh, geez!

[ "The Star Spangled Banner"
plays ]

[ Clicks ]

Hey, Kyle.
You okay, son?

Yeah, dad.
Just thinking.

Well, I'll be in my office
if you want to talk.

[ Clicks ]

[ Keys clacking ]

I'm not funny.

Hey, girls are funny Wendy,
okay? Get over it.

Just do women's comedy stuff --
you know, talk about

how fat you are
and how you want

to have sex with guys
and then say "my vagina!" a lot.

I don't feel like
being funny right now.

And that's just
the kind of sexist bull crap

that's gonna keep you
in the kitchen.

Sit your ass down.