South Park (1997–…): Season 18, Episode 6 - Freemium Isn't Free - full transcript

I'm goin' down to South Park

Gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces everywhere

Humble folks
without temptation

I'm goin' down to South Park

Gonna leave my woes behind

Ample parking day or night

People spouting
howdy neighbor

Headin' on up to South Park

Gonna see if I can't unwind

Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!



Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine

Oh, hey, Kyle.
Kyle, hang on a sec.

- Hey, Jimmy. What's up?
- Not much.

I just wanted to make sure
you've heard

the f-f-fantastic news.

There's a new Terrance
and Phillip mobile game,

and it's so amazing
and incredibly fun.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

And the most
unbelievable part...

It's totally free!

You should download it
to your phone right now.

I mean, come on.

If it's free,
why wouldn't you?

Cool. Thanks, Jimmy.
Well, I'll check it out.



You betcha, pal.

The "Terrance & Phillip"
mobile game!

In this game,
you are Terrance and Phillip.

Can you collect
all the Canadian coins?

That's one coin.
Can you collect more?

You've collected
10 Canadian coins!

Congratulations!

Hey, you're really good
at this, guy.

- What?
- Congratulations, Kyle.

With Canada coins,
you can buy stuff

and help Terrance and Phillip
rebuild Canada.

Run around and collect
more coins,

or better yet,
buy them in bulk.

How man Canadian coins
would you like to buy?

This is stupid.

Well, it's just 49 cents
for the cheapest one.

You bought 200 Canadian coins
for 49 cents!

You're amazing!

Now use that Canadough
to help rebuild Canada.

Click to build a hospital here.

- Yay!
- Yay!

It's still stupid,
and now I paid 49 cents for it.

What are
you two boners doing?

We're playing the "Terrance &
Phillip" freemium game.

I played that thing.
It's fucking dumb.

I ended paying
like five bucks.

Who makes this crap?

Oh, it's tewiffic!

That's 200,000 more American
dollars in just one day.

Where is the roof
on this thing?

What's the big idea
making a mobile game

without our approval?

Oh, Terrance and Phillip.

How are Canada's
two favorite buddies?

What gives you the right
to make

a stupid "Terrance & Phillip"
mobile game?

Who do you think you are?

Oh, I'm only
the prince of Canada.

And this happens to be
the minister of mobile gaming.

We thought
you would be pleased

with the quality
of the mobile game.

It's the dumbest game ever.

All you do is collect
and spend Canadough.

Hey, we know
the game's not great.

But who cares?
It's free!

But it's not free.

If you charge 40 cents here
and 50 cents there,

then it's not free.

They see through the charade.

Uh-oh.
You think so?

I think they see
through the charade, yes.

I'm pretty sure
they can hear us, too.

All right.
Fuck it.

You've seen
through the charade,

so you might as well
know everything.

Charade up!

Allow me to explain the science

behind micro-pay
freemium gaming.

For years, the concept
behind gaming was simple...

you pay for the game,
and you enjoy.

With mobile apps,
we now have the ability

to make games
that are boring and stupid,

but if you pay for incentives,
you're rewarded.

"Freemium"... the "mium"
is Latin for "not really."

It's a simple cycle,

a never-ending loop
based on RPGs.

Explore, collect,
spend, improve.

But whereas those just use
the concept of XP,

or experience points,

we've introduced the idea
of micro-paying with money.

Money, money, money,
money, money, money.

It's what everyone is doing.
Freemium games are what's now.

And it's all just
a lot of harmless fun.

You're in big trouble,
Stanley.

Can you explain to us
how you managed to spend $489

on a mobile app?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize
I spent that much.

You didn't realize?

What are "Canadian coins"?

You buy Canadian coins
so you have Canadough.

Stan, just because I make
a good living with my music

doesn't mean you can go
blow it all on Canadough.

- I'll pay you back for it, okay?
- How?!

I don't know!
I'll figure it out!

Jesus Christ.

Can you believe him?

He knew how much
he was spending.

He knew he'd get in trouble,
but it didn't matter.

I hate to say it,

but this is a lot like
his Grampa.

What do you mean?

Dad's always had
a gambling problem.

He's got total
addiction tendencies.

Could he have somehow passed
those demons down to Stan?

Well, and you certainly have
some of those problems, too,

with drinking.

I had a problem,
but I was able to stop.

Now I only drink
gluten-free beer and wine.

But with Stan, I think there's
some darkness inside him

that doesn't allow him
to stop.

And so, in conclusion,

the successful freemium game
is based on five principles...

entice the player
with a simple game loop,

use lots of flashing
"cha-chings" and compliments

to make the player feel good
about themselves,

train the players to spend
your fake currency,

offer the players a way
to spend real currency

for your fake currency...

So they'll forget
they're spending money.

...and make the game
about waiting,

but let the player pay
not to wait.

It's a surefire way
to make lots of money.

We understand micro-paying,

but can't the game
hidden inside the charade

just at least be fun?

No, no!
It has to be just barely fun.

If the game was too fun,

then there would be no reason
to micro-pay

in order to make it more fun.

What's this?

Your checks, of course,

for 10 million American dollars,
each.

So this is...
Everyone is doing this?

Everyone is doing it!

It's just the way things
are going.

It's the way
things are going!

Well, I guess if everyone's
just paying 40 cents at a time,

it can't be that bad.

Hey, Phillip!

Oh, hey, guys.

You missed school today?

Yeah, I just
wasn't feeling the best.

Did you play the "Terrance &
Phillip" freemium game all day?

Well, yeah, I was sick in bed.
What else was I gonna do?

How much money
did you micro-pay today, Stan?

Nothing.

Dude, I bought like $10 worth
of Canadough.

But check it out.
I unlocked a stadium in Toronto.

You spent $10 and eight hours
to unlock a stadium?

You guys, is it that much dumber
than video games you play?

Yes.

It's just, like,
something to kill some time.

Like Jimmy said,
it's a cool way to zone out.

Wait, wait, wait.
Jimmy told you about this game?

Jimmy told me
about this game.

Kenny, who told you
about this game?

Mrph rm.

- Dude, what...
- the...

Fmph?

Psst. Hey, kid.
Come over here.

Yeah, come on over.
C-Check this out.

You looking to have
some fun?

What do you mean?

The "Terrance & Phillip"
mobile game.

All the cool kids
are using it.

- Aw, I don't know.
- Come on. Just try it out.

You can be Terrance,
or Phillip, or both.

You can walk around and collect
Canada cash to build new stuff.

It's the perfect thing
if you're bored.

And honestly, the best part
about it is it's free.

I mean, come on.

Why wouldn't you download it
and just try it out?

- Hey, uh, Jimmy, can we talk?
- Well, sure, fellas.

Anyway, be sure
to check it out, kid.

Dude, what are you doing?

Just hanging out.
What are you up to?

You need to stop recommending
that app to people.

Mrph!

Everyone we know says they heard
about it from you.

I just think it's
a fabulous app. That's all.

It's not a fabulous app.
It's fucking stupid.

Let me ask you something,
Jimmy.

What happens on level two after
you get the Ontario nugget?

All right, all right.
I never played it.

I stay away from the stuff.

You just push it
on other people?

- They pay me to!
- Who, Jimmy?!

Who pays you?!

You've both done
an amazing job.

New hospitals,
new neighborhoods,

all funded
by one freemium game.

Uh, listen, uh, we've been
talking it over,

and we really aren't comfortable
with this freemium thing.

Oh, what is the matter?

It seems dishonest,
and we have a brand to protect.

But just look at all the things
we're getting to build.

Soon Canada will be as advanced
and developed as Michigan.

We're just worried that some
people will abuse the game

and start spending more money
than they can afford.

Oh, no!

Well, we certainly
wouldn't want that.

Oh, I have an idea.

How about we take some of

the billions of dollars
we are making

and we start a campaign
to teach everyone

to play the game
in moderation?

Ohh!

Do you really think
that would help?

Of course!

The alcohol industry
does it all the time.

You. Friends.

Fun. Drink.

Hot girls.
You're hot.

Drink more.
Expensive cars.

Ass. Drink. Ass.

Money. You in a tuxedo.
Threesomes.

Vodka. Pussy.
Drink, drink, drink!

You! Drink!
Vegas! Fun! Pussy!

You in a tuxedo
fucking this girl!

Vodka!
Drink, drink, drink!

Drink it all,
you fucking pussy!

More tuxedos!
More cars!

More pussy!
More vodka!

Drink, drink, drink!

Please drink responsibly.

Come on.
This way, Stan.

I want you to see this.

There you go.
That's your Grampa.

He sits at that slot machine
and mindlessly drains money away

a little bit at a time.

Sound familiar?

All the little sounds and lights
are calculated

to keep him sitting
at that stupid machine.

Come on, Dad.
We're going home.

Ah, go away.

Do you know what you've done
to your grandson?

You've infected him
with your bullshit!

What are you talking about?

I just don't understand
what is wrong with you two.

What is the joy that this stuff
possibly brings you?

- It's just...
- It's fun.

Yeah, it's fun.

It's not fun!

You two have demons
you're trying to compensate for.

Well, what about you?
You're having a glass of wine.

I'm not having
a glass of wine.

I'm having six.

It's called a tasting,
and it's classy.

Dad, I'm not addicted.
I can stop.

I just like playing it,
but I don't have to.

I'll prove it.

Yeah, and if he stops,
I'll stop.

All right.

And if you two stop, then we
won't have a problem anymore.

Hmm.

Earthy, bold,
hint of cherry after-tones.

Is it my responsibility
what people decide to do

with their f-f-free time?

I was just the middleman.

People were going to learn
about the game somewhere

if not from me.

I'm not the one
who made it.

But you accepted money
from the Canadian government

to push a freemium game on us.

Why would they do that?

How do you get people
addicted to crack?

You give it away for free.

You give away a little taste,
and then...

and then some people
can't stop themselves.

And now Stan is so consumed
by the shit you've been pushing

that he can't even
see through it!

How could you sell out
your friends?!

I needed the money,
all right?!

I downloaded
Yum Yum Sparkly Gem Forest

because it was free.

I loved
the sparkling little gems,

the sounds they made
when I got new ones.

Then I made my first
in-app purchase.

Before I knew it,
I had spent my allowance,

then my birthday money.

I lost my crutches!

You have your crutches.

It's a figure of speech
with crippled people.

We'd say we lost
an arm and a leg,

but they ain't worth much.

That makes sense.

You're saying these games
do this on purpose?

Why do you think
freemium games

send you those
text notifications

when you haven't played
in a while?

It's called a trigger...

a quick image to trigger
the addict's brain.

They know exactly
what they're doing.

Hey, buddy!
Come on, guy!

Come back, friend.
You've got new buddies, guy.

We've just given you
5,000 Canadian coins.

Enjoy your Canadough.

Free?

What is wrong with you,
Stan?

You said you stopped
buying Canadough.

I didn't think
I spent that much.

I-I clicked on a few micro-pays
and it just kind of added up.

$26,000?

Do you know how many songs
I have to write

to make back that much money?

One.

Oh, it's just nothing to you,
isn't it?

No.
No, it's not.

You need to realize that you
have something in your brain

that you somehow inherited
from your Grampa

that makes you act
this way, okay?

I don't know
how you can say that

when you're standing here
chugging beer.

I am not chugging beer.

I'm sampling a flight
of gluten-free German lagers

with a French wine pairing.

It's called a schmorgeswein,
and it's elegantly cultural.

Okay, I need help.

There is something different
about me, you guys.

I know the game is stupid,

and it actually
isn't even fun anymore.

I don't understand.

Fellas, could I have a minute
with Stan, please?

Sure.
Come on, guys.

This is my fault, Stan.

I should have never told you the
game was f-f-f-fan... fantastic.

It's not your fault.

It's something to do
with my family.

It's like a curse.

I know this stuff
is hard to understand.

Trust me, I know.

I'm an addict, too.
But I got help.

How?

What all the addiction programs
say is true...

You've got to reach out
to a higher power, Stan.

You've got to get down
on your knees

and you've got to say,
"I have a problem."

And you've got to ask
that higher power for help.

We have to find a way
to get the word out.

People need to know
pushers are being hired

to take advantage of people
with addiction problems.

There has to be a way
we can get to the news company

and sneak in and somehow borrow
their TV signal.

If we could disguise ourselves
as something ridiculous...

Okay, it's done.

- What's done?
- The word is out.

"Terrance and Phillip
hire pushers

to make money off addicts."

I tweeted it.
It's trending.

You son of a bitch!

You paid pushers

to get addicts hooked
on our freemium game?

You what?

Now, hold on,
Terrance and Phillip.

There's nothing wrong
with promoting a mobile game.

But there's something
very wrong

with knowingly make it appeal
to human weaknesses!

You didn't build a mobile game.
You built an addiction machine!

Minister of Mobile Gaming,
what's this all aboot?

AII right, all right. You've
seen through the charade again.

Let me explain
how freemium games really work.

The truth is a very small
percentage of people

who download freemium games
ever pay anything for them.

It's all aboot finding
the heaviest users

and extracting the most amount
of cash from them.

That's how you get addicts
to pay 200 bucks

for a game
that's not even worth 40 cents.

But then all our profits
come from people with problems.

Don't think aboot that.
Think about all the money.

Here, have a bump of coke.

Okay, but we still
won't stand for this!

I don't know
if you're listening,

but I guess I have something
inside me that I can't control,

something kind of dark.

Please, help show me the way.

You have summoned the prince
of temptation for what purpose?

Oh, shit.

Uh, I have addiction demons,
and I don't understand them.

Then allow me to explain
the darkness of the human soul.

So you've got dopamine, right?

That's the chemical
that gets released in your brain

whenever you do something
pleasurable like eating, sex.

And that's just nature, right?

Like,
rabbits and fish and shit,

they need dopamine so that they
want to consume and reproduce.

Okay.

But because humans
have progressed

and now have access
to all the shit they want

whenever they want it,

it's easy for them to overdo
and have dopamine problems.

You know, it's not fucking
rocket science, this stuff.

So there's nothing
spiritually wrong with me?

Fuck no.

It's like...
okay, it's like being diabetic.

You know, it's like you can
eat wrong and eat wrong,

and chemicals get released
from your liver in a weird way.

You know, you've been
eating gluten and shit.

And then eventually
you've got a chemical imbalance

from your liver.

And something clicked and now
you're diabetic forever, right?

So, like, if you keep doing
something too much,

eventually there's, um,
a dopamine fuck-up, right,

and you're kind of
screwed up for life.

So, what does that mean?

I can get addicted to everything
so I can't enjoy anything?

Yeah, that's pretty much
what it means.

The addict people said something
about me filling a hole.

Well, who's not filling
a fucking hole, right?

You know? I mean,
what kind of bullshit is that?

So, let's talk
about genetics now.

- You still have time?
- Yeah, no, this is great.

Okay, let me get
some visual aids.

Give me just a sec.

Here is a fact...

80% of alcohol sales
are paid for by alcoholics.

Using slot-machine tactics,

freemiums games
are able to make millions

off of an even smaller
percentage of mobile gamers.

Oh, God,
he just doesn't stop!

Who is this guy?!

We're building a new Canada with
micro-payments from addicts.

Who cares?!

You think the fucking
alcohol industry cares?

They don't care
that 10% are gonna get addicted.

They're counting on it!
It's the same with us.

But we've got our eyes
on every addict's screen.

Every button they click,

we get feedback
on how to shove this shit

right down their throats.

Why does he suddenly sound
like Al Pacino

in "Devil's Advocate"?!

Oh, I'm much worse
than the devil.

I'm the Canadian devil!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, dear God!
It's the Canadian devil!

Beelzaboot!

You discovered my plan,
but too late!

Now the souls of all Canadians
belong to me!

Oh, no!
Oh, what have I done?!

Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha!

So, basically, the genes
you got from your dad

make you more likely
to have trouble

with, um,
dopamine regulation,

and that's why you need to
kind of watch out

for addictive stuff.

Okay, so we kind of
understand now, champ?

I guess so.

But why do companies
have to put

so many addictive things
out there?

You know, they all do it,
and it's kind of my deal.

I've got to put temptation
out there, too,

so people have free will
and all that shit.

But, you know, everyone has
their justification

and thinks what they're doing
is okay.

Hey, buddy, where'd you go?
Don't you want more Canadough?

What's this?

That's what
I've been addicted to.

It's a freemium game
sending me push notifications.

What, you just collect coins?

How much money
can you buy today?

No, see, if something's
addictive because it's fun,

that's one thing.

But this is just blatant
Skinner box manipulation.

Wait a minute.
Who put this out?

Uh, Canada.

Oh, that son of a bitch.
He's always doing this shit!

I tell him
temptation has to be nuanced,

but he goes and does
this crap again.

I'm gonna need to borrow
your soul real quick, kid.

Is that all right?

Okay.

Aaaaah!

Oh, pass interference!
Interference!

Stan?
Where are you going?

I shall return.
Do not attempt to stop me.

Told ya.
Kid's got demons.

I don't do that.

Horror and sadness
all over Canada tonight.

When the prince
signed the agreement

to make a freemium game,

he apparently made a deal
with the Canadian devil.

Hey, guy!
I'm the Canadian devil!

The Canadian devil
now has complete control

of the souls
of every Canadian.

This is a sad day for Canada
and, therefore, the world.

I stab you!

Oh!

Beelzaboot!

Once again,
you lack any sense of nuance.

Who the fuck is that?

Well, well.
My overachieving doppelganger.

You're no match
for Canadian Satan!

Return from whence you came!

Aah!
Watch it, guy!

Certainly a shocking
turn of events here

as the actual devil
has now appeared

and seems to be fighting
the Canadian devil.

This is certainly a conundrum
for Canadians everywhere

as we try to figure out
who to root for.

For that, let's ask the minister
of sport in Edmonton.

Well, of course,
the patriotic thing to do

would be to root
for the Canadian devil.

But then again,
he is the one

who has promised us pain and
servitude for a million years.

Screw that!
Go, Canada!

Enough, Beelzaboot.

Thy end has come!

- Hey, dude.
- Hey.

You all right?

Yeah.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna be okay.

Cool.

My fellow Canadians,
what we do now as a country

will hopefully be a model
for others.

We have all learned
a tragic lesson together

that though many sins
are out there,

when you get involved
with freemium gaming,

you are making a deal
with the Canadian devil.

We will no longer make
freemium games,

and we will no longer make
improvements to our country

with money taken from addicts.

Canada is back to being

an ethical, respected,
shitty tundra.

I'm gonna move here and here,

and then I'm gonna roll
to kill this zombie.

Okay, good idea.

What are you gaywads doing?

We're playing board games

so that Grampa avoids
the casino

and I avoid freemium apps.

Well, all right!
Good for you guys.

Tell you what,
I'll join you.

Board games go good
with a glass of wine.

That's not a glass,
that's a trophy,

that you won for drinking.

It's not "drinking."

It's called a wine zinfandel
sipping sprint,

and it's competitive.

Get off
your high fucking horse.

Your turn, Grampa.

If you roll a five or six,
you can kill these zombies.

You guys want to put
some money on it?