South Park (1997–…): Season 18, Episode 4 - Handicar - full transcript
Timmy starts a new transportation service to raise money.
I'm goin' down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks
without temptation
I'm goin' down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night
People spouting
howdy neighbor
Headin' on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine
Well, that was a lot of fun.
Thanks for inviting us, guys.
- Sure. You bet.
- Are you guys parked over here?
Oh, no, no, no.
We... We took a Handicar.
It was easier that way.
A Handicar?
What's that?
You don't use Handicar?
No, see, you just get
the Handicar app.
It uses GPS
to locate where you are,
and a Handicar comes
and picks you up.
Wow.
Yeah, and it's cheaper
than a taxi.
I'm telling you, it's the future
of transportation.
Oh, here it comes.
Honey, our Handicar's here.
Timmy!
Have fun driving home.
I'll be relaxing on my iPad.
- Lucky.
- Timmy!
Download the app!
It works great!
Uh, excuse me.
I think someone puked back here.
You don't like puke?
Could you turn
the radio down
and the air-conditioning up,
please?
No air-conditioning.
Too expensive.
Aah!
Not enough people taking cab.
Don't know what's wrong.
Timmy!
What the fuck?
We got a big sales event
going on, folks!
Hey, guys!
Can I get you
in a 2014 Hummer?
Rocktober sales event, guys!
No, thanks.
Only a few more
guitar licks left
in Rocktober, guys!
We're good!
Shut up!
Oh, here's our Handicar.
Timmy!
What the fuck?
All right, kids, you know
what time of year it is?
That's right.
It's autumn.
And that means
our fund-raising
for next year's summer camp
is in full gear.
Is everyone psyched
for next year's summer camp?
So far,
Jimmy has raised $16!
Francis has raised $29.32.
And Timmy has raised $2,063!
Timmy!
All righty,
if you guys keep this up,
we'll raise the money
for summer camp in no time!
I won't do it, Mimsy.
I won't spend another summer
at that stupid camp.
Derr, we don't like camp,
boss?
We hate camp, Mimsy.
The singing,
the competitions,
Jimmy Valmer
getting all the chicks.
Oh, yeah, and don't forget
last year at summer camp,
you got raped by a shark.
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!
Shut up, Mimsy!
I'm not gonna spend
my summer trapped at camp
with these
punch-happy assholes.
We got to find a way
to put Handicar
out of business and fast.
Oh, boy, we're gonna wreck
Timmy's business, huh, boss?
Shh, shh!
Hey, boys. Are you excited
for camp next year?
Yes, Counselor Steve.
We like the tug of war.
AII right, well, just keep
working on those donations.
Come on, Mimsy.
We got to figure out
how we're gonna make Handicar
a thing of the past.
Oh, boy!
We are united as brothers
because just as Handicar's
taken away jobs
from honest, hardworking
cab drivers,
it's also taking food
from the mouths
of the children
of car salesmen!
I don't have any children.
Who does this handicapped boy
think he is?
He's not even in union.
He's taking
all our business
because people find it
more convenient!
And because he's handicapped,
he can use special access points
and parking spaces.
That kid was born
with an unfair advantage!
Who is this rat?
His name is Timmy Burch.
And if you don't
do something quick,
you're all gonna be
out of work for good.
Who are you?
Just someone
who doesn't like to see
hard workers like yourselves
lose their jobs, that's all.
Nobody takes jobs
away from us!
We need to speak to mayor
and tell her to shut down
this illegitimate business.
Or maybe we could have
the police shut him down.
Hey, I got an idea!
Why don't you guys
just make your cars
cleaner and nicer
and try to be
better to your customers
so that you can compete
with Handicar's popularity
in the marketplace?
Just ignore my friend.
He's mentally disabled.
Oh, yeah.
Don't mind me.
Now, listen, everybody.
If you're a sheep herder
and there's a snake
taking away your sheep,
what do you do
to the snake?
Offer it last year's
Christmas in Rocksummer prices?
No, you fucking moron.
You kill the snake.
Timmy, Timmy.
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.
Hey, wake up, you little scab.
T-T-Timmy?
We got a message for ya
from the union.
Just imagine it, Mimsy...
a whole summer to ourselves
to do what we want.
It's going to be awesome.
Well, well.
Hello, gentlemen.
I understand you've taken care
of our little problem?
Yeah, we sure did.
Let's just say
he'll be laid up awhile.
Yeah, we snuck in his room
last night,
and we broke his legs.
Oh, boy, that's gr...
Wait, you what?
Timmy!
I am Lorde
Lordy, Lordy, Lorde
But we broke his legs.
Both of them!
Let me give you guys
a hot news flash.
If you want to hurt
a crippled kid,
you don't break
his fucking legs!
How can people be
so ineffectual, Mimsy?
Derr, I don't know, boss.
These are supposed
to be men
who care about
their occupation.
Maybe if they're
that incompetent,
we shouldn't be trying
to save their jobs.
Maybe Handicar's a kind of
economic natural selection,
where the more diligent workers
are weeding out
the useless ones.
Derr!
Shut up, Mimsy!
Right here is good.
Thank you.
I can just use the app
to tip you, right?
Timmy!
Oh, this is so handy.
Thank you.
Timmy.
- Timmy, Timmy.
- Hey, Timmy.
It's your friend from camp,
Nathan.
Timmy!
Listen,
you can't possibly handle
all this business
you're getting.
Admit it.
You've got more customers
than you can handle.
Timmy.
I've got an amazing idea.
Why don't you let other people
drive Handicars, too?
Think of all the money
you could raise for camp
if you expand your business.
Hmm. Timmy.
I'm sure you could find
a lot of interested drivers.
Timmy.
That's great.
Summer camp, here we come.
Now kiss your business goodbye,
asshole.
Derr, I don't get it, boss.
I thought you hated Handicar.
How's come now
you want to work for him?
It's very simple, Mimsy.
I'm gonna take down Handicar
by being an employee
who sexually harasses
the passengers.
- Derr, sexual harassment, boss?
- It's simple.
If you're a sheep herder
and a snake
is killing your sheep,
you just need
to have the snake
get sued
for sexual misconduct.
Now, you find me a female
passenger on that app
and leave the rest to me.
Derr, oh, boy!
Timmy.
Hello, ma'am.
Handicar at your service.
Climb on in.
So, let me
ask you a question.
Would you like
to see my dick?
Sure.
Would you like to see mine?
Uh-oh!
Mimsy!
Aah! Aah! Mimsy!
And I thought
a shark was bad.
Come on, honey.
It says our Handicar
is just pulling up.
Timmy.
Oh, hi, Gerald, Sheila.
Steven?
What are you doing?
You didn't know? Anyone can be
a Handicar driver now.
AII you have to do
is get your own wheelchair,
and you can earn a Handicap.
I've had my Handicap
for about three days now.
Get on in.
I'm telling you, Gerald,
having a Handicap
is a great way to make
some money on the side.
Timmy!
- Timmy!
- Timmy!
The world of transportation
is really changing, Gerald.
Derr, gee, your idea
to have Handicar expand
really worked, boss.
Excuse me.
Out of my way, please.
I have a Handicap.
I had a handicap
way before you got paid
to have one!
Ha! You sound like that
Matthew McConaughey guy.
Derr, "I drove a Lincoln
way before I got paid
to drive one."
Derr!
Shut up, Mimsy!
For the past eight years,
Tesla has been
the leading innovator
in the world
of automotive transport.
And now the president and CEO
of Tesla Motorcars, Elon Musk.
Today I am proud to announce
the Tesla D,
the most innovative
and efficient,
world-friendly mode
of transportation ever created.
Any questions?
Yes, uh, what about Handicar?
What about it?
Well, all over the country,
people are realizing
that using an app to ride-share
is even more convenient
and eco-friendly
than electric cars.
How do you intend to compete
with this boy genius
in Colorado?
I am so sick of hearing
about app-based ride-sharing!
The future of transportation
is the electric car,
not wheelchairs!
Don't worry, Elon.
Handicar is just
a small company.
Oh, sure, operating
in a few small towns.
But when they start absorbing
the taxi markets,
bringing taxi service
to any part of the world,
driving your kids
to and from school,
delivering both
people and things?
We can't compete with Handicar.
It's just so damn handy!
If there is a way
to reduce Handicar's
positive publicity,
then we need to do it now.
And you... You say
it's theoretically possible?
Of course.
It's very simple.
If you're a sheep herder
and a snake is killing
all your sheep,
how do you
get rid of the snake?
Who's the sheep herder?
You are.
Who's the snake?
Handicar.
Derr, it's an analogy!
Shut up, Mimsy!
If you're a sheep herder
and a snake
is killing your sheep,
all you have to do
is prove to the sheep
that the snake
is a completely
inferior entity.
- Timmy!
- Timmy!
Hey, Timmy.
How is the fund-raising
for camp going?
- Timmy!
- That's great.
I can't wait
for camp this year.
We are doing
some fund-raising, too.
Have you heard of my friend,
Elon Musk, from Tesla?
Good day to you.
Timmy!
Hey, how would you
like to have
a friendly little race?
It would be great publicity
for your fund-raising
and for ours.
Derr, we're gonna get Timmy
killed in the race, huh, boss?
Shut up, Mimsy!
What do you say, Timmy?
A friendly race this Saturday?
We'll see you
at 9:00 a.m. sharp.
Hey, everyone!
You need to see this!
What started
as a simple contest
is quickly escalating
into an international crisis.
As electronic cars challenge
the oil industry
and transportation alternatives
fight for dominance,
the unavoidable outcome
may be a conflict
the likes the world
has not seen since the '70s.
It appears that the world
is once again on the brink
of Wacky Races.
Wacky Races?
Holy shit!
The prime minister of Japan
has insisted
that any race would break
the Treaty of Salzburg,
which called for a cease-fire
to the Wacky Races
for their senseless brutality.
They also claim that
if a race does take place,
they would have no choice
but to enter their completely
self-driven prototype Lexus
into the conflict.
The Canadians and Chinese
are also saying
they would be forced to race,
and no one yet has heard
from Dick Dastardly or Muttley.
Unless a miracle happens,
this Saturday morning
the world will witness
the first Wacky Races
in nearly 50 years.
Wacky Races are on!
Wacky Races are back on!
Oh, my God,
Wacky Races are back on!
Randy, they're bringing back
Wacky Races Saturday morning!
I know! Are we watching
at your house?
That's it, everyone!
We're out of cereal!
- No! I didn't get any!
- That guy has two!
I'm sorry, there's none left,
don't you understand?!
Don't you see
what they're doing?
This is just another example
of corporations
trying to keep down people
with Handicaps.
Don't do the race.
You don't have to
prove anything.
He has to do it.
Don't you see?
He has people
that are depending on him
to raise as much money
as possible.
There are hundreds of people
with Handicaps now.
Timmy.
But isn't that the problem?
I mean, let's face it.
It's not like he's able
to keep the driver quality up.
Anyone can have
a Handicap now.
I mean,
even Matthew McConaughey's
a Handicar driver,
for Christ's sake.
McCONAUGHEY: Hey...
I was driving a Handicar
way before I got paid
to drive one.
I just like how it feels.
Look, the point is
that this is your opportunity
to make Handicar... Oop, sorry.
Hold on. Sorry.
I went too far.
This is your opportunity
to make Handicar
the transportation
of the future.
Think what you could do
with all that money.
And here they are,
the most daredevil group
of shared-ride drivers
to ever whirl their wheels,
in the Wacky Races,
competing for the title of
the future of transportation.
Cars are approaching
the starting line.
First off is the Lyft car,
a ride-sharing company
out of San Francisco.
Next up is the Zipcar,
a pay-by-the-hour concept
based on Chinese bicycles.
Maneuvering for position
is a standard taxicab
driven by an angry Russian.
Right behind
is a Hummer salesman
in his 2014 Hummer No Class.
And there's ingenious inventor
Elon Musk in his new Tesla D.
Oh, and here's the lovely
Canadian actress Neve Campbell
in the Canadian concept vehicle
the Queef,
powered completely
on female natural gas.
Next we have the Handicar
with Timmy Burch,
and there's the completely
automated self-driving car
from Japan.
Limping along last
are those
double-dealing do-badders,
Dick Dastardly
and his sidekick, Muttley.
And away they go
on the way-out Wacky Races.
And this live coverage
of the event
will be broadcast all morning,
of course, on CNN.
Jesus. It's begun.
God help them all.
All I know is,
if Dastardly and Muttley
are up to their old tricks,
there's gonna be
a lot of violence today.
You are watching BBC World.
The violent conflict
over transport is under way,
and it is even more senseless
and vile than many remember.
We return you now
to our live coverage
of the Wacky Races.
As the Wacky Racers
roll down the roadway,
we see that the taxicab
is in the lead,
with Handicar
pulling up the rear.
Timmy!
AII the cars
must follow the same route.
First they'll leave
the town of South Park,
then navigate
through Giggling Gulch
on the final stretch
to pick up the passenger,
a Miss Dotty Applegate.
Once the passenger
is picked up,
the vehicle must
successfully deliver her
to the destination point
at her daughter's house
in Morrison.
It looks like the Zipcar
is trying to vie for position
past the Hummer vehicle.
It's neck and neck
as the Wacky Racers
all push to be first
to pick up the passenger.
Miss Applegate
is waiting patiently.
And Elon Musk's Tesla
appears to take the lead.
Slow down!
I need Timmy to pick up
the passenger before we do.
But I thought we wanted Handicar
to lose the race!
He can't just lose the race.
He has to get sued
and lose the whole business.
That's why,
when he gets the passenger,
I've got a little surprise
waiting for him.
Hey, boss, it seems like every
time you come up with a plan,
it kind of backfires on you.
If you really don't want
to go to summer camp so bad,
why don't you just tell
your parents how you feel?
You know, tell them
you don't want to go,
and just see how they react.
Wait, wait.
I got it.
Shut up, Mimsy!
- Hey, Mimsy.
- Yeah?
Shut up!
The Canadian car
overtakes the self-driving car.
And now here comes the Zipcar,
which is being driven
by Matthew McConaughey.
I was driving a Zipcar
way before I got paid
to drive one.
And look at this...
the Lyft car is
the first to arrive
and pick up the passenger.
Now the Lyft car
must take the passenger
to her destination,
but look at this.
The Hummer salesman is running
the Lyft car off the road.
And the Hummer salesman is
taking the passenger to the car,
and he is going to
let her drive herself.
You've got
a fully automated sound system,
and your sunroof
is operated right here.
What do you think, huh?
Can you see yourself
in one of these puppies?
Elon Musk is using
one of his kooky inventions
to put the Hummer
out of commission for good.
- Oh, God!
- Jesus! Did you see that? Oh!
The passenger is
being taken to the Tesla D now.
No, wait.
She just got snatched
by the pissed-off Russian
in his taxi.
Miss Applegate is now
in the back of the taxi,
and she's being forced
to watch Jimmy Fallon.
Uh-oh.
The Canadian car's
completely run out of queefs.
With the race nearly over,
it's the taxi out in front,
followed by self-driving car,
and then pulling up in third
is Handicar.
Timmy!
It's gonna be a close one.
Not too close, Boopsie.
Oh, no... Dick Dastardly
is up to no-do-goodery again.
Oh! Oh! Dude!
- Oh!
- Oh, dude!
- Boom!
- Boom!
And there's Handicar
to pick Mrs. Applegate up!
That's it.
Handicar has the passenger.
We're almost in range.
Another 100 feet.
Wait a minute.
What the hell
are all those cars?
Holy shit!
Timmy!
Aah!
Liv-a-la!
Timmy!
We're near the finish line.
The race is almost over.
Handicar is in the lead,
still way out in front
of the Zipcar
driven by Matthew McConaughey.
Sometimes you got to go forward
by going backward.
Are we driving cars,
or are cars driving us?
The Dastardly car
is racing past both.
This could be an upset, folks.
Timmy!
Good night,
you son of a bitch.
Mimsy, I told you
to put the explosives
under Timmy's seat!
Derr, you told me
to put the explosives
under the seat of that fake,
soft-spoken douche bag
that everyone loves!
Not that fake,
soft-spoken douche bag
that everyone loves!
Oh, my.
It appears that an explosion
has opened up a wormhole
with Matthew McConaughey inside.
Mimsy...
And there's the finish.
It looks like Handicar
has done it.
Timmy!
A big congratulations
to our fund-raising champion.
After selling the Handicar
rights to Elon Musk,
Timmy has raised $2.3 billion
for summer camp.
Great job to all of you.
This is sure to be
the best summer camp ever!
All set for bed, honey?
Yeah, I like to sleep
at nighttime!
All right.
Good night.
Wait.
Wait. Mom?
Can we talk?
Um, yes.
O-Of course.
This is very difficult, Mom.
But, um...
You know how every year
I go to summer camp?
Well, I hate it.
I hate it, and I don't want
to go anymore.
I'm sorry.
I can't understand you, honey.
You're handicapped.
What's to understand?
I'm telling you
I don't want to go
to that stupid camp anymore!
You want water?
Is that what you want?
No!
I don't want to go to camp!
Oh, yes. Okay, honey.
I'll turn off the lamp.
No!
That's not
what I fucking said!
Goddamn it!
Now I can't even see!
Ow!
What's he saying?
That he doesn't want to go
to summer camp this year,
but I'll be damned if he's
gonna ruin our Italy trip.
Right.
Oh! Aah! Mimsy!
Gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks
without temptation
I'm goin' down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night
People spouting
howdy neighbor
Headin' on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine
Well, that was a lot of fun.
Thanks for inviting us, guys.
- Sure. You bet.
- Are you guys parked over here?
Oh, no, no, no.
We... We took a Handicar.
It was easier that way.
A Handicar?
What's that?
You don't use Handicar?
No, see, you just get
the Handicar app.
It uses GPS
to locate where you are,
and a Handicar comes
and picks you up.
Wow.
Yeah, and it's cheaper
than a taxi.
I'm telling you, it's the future
of transportation.
Oh, here it comes.
Honey, our Handicar's here.
Timmy!
Have fun driving home.
I'll be relaxing on my iPad.
- Lucky.
- Timmy!
Download the app!
It works great!
Uh, excuse me.
I think someone puked back here.
You don't like puke?
Could you turn
the radio down
and the air-conditioning up,
please?
No air-conditioning.
Too expensive.
Aah!
Not enough people taking cab.
Don't know what's wrong.
Timmy!
What the fuck?
We got a big sales event
going on, folks!
Hey, guys!
Can I get you
in a 2014 Hummer?
Rocktober sales event, guys!
No, thanks.
Only a few more
guitar licks left
in Rocktober, guys!
We're good!
Shut up!
Oh, here's our Handicar.
Timmy!
What the fuck?
All right, kids, you know
what time of year it is?
That's right.
It's autumn.
And that means
our fund-raising
for next year's summer camp
is in full gear.
Is everyone psyched
for next year's summer camp?
So far,
Jimmy has raised $16!
Francis has raised $29.32.
And Timmy has raised $2,063!
Timmy!
All righty,
if you guys keep this up,
we'll raise the money
for summer camp in no time!
I won't do it, Mimsy.
I won't spend another summer
at that stupid camp.
Derr, we don't like camp,
boss?
We hate camp, Mimsy.
The singing,
the competitions,
Jimmy Valmer
getting all the chicks.
Oh, yeah, and don't forget
last year at summer camp,
you got raped by a shark.
Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!
Shut up, Mimsy!
I'm not gonna spend
my summer trapped at camp
with these
punch-happy assholes.
We got to find a way
to put Handicar
out of business and fast.
Oh, boy, we're gonna wreck
Timmy's business, huh, boss?
Shh, shh!
Hey, boys. Are you excited
for camp next year?
Yes, Counselor Steve.
We like the tug of war.
AII right, well, just keep
working on those donations.
Come on, Mimsy.
We got to figure out
how we're gonna make Handicar
a thing of the past.
Oh, boy!
We are united as brothers
because just as Handicar's
taken away jobs
from honest, hardworking
cab drivers,
it's also taking food
from the mouths
of the children
of car salesmen!
I don't have any children.
Who does this handicapped boy
think he is?
He's not even in union.
He's taking
all our business
because people find it
more convenient!
And because he's handicapped,
he can use special access points
and parking spaces.
That kid was born
with an unfair advantage!
Who is this rat?
His name is Timmy Burch.
And if you don't
do something quick,
you're all gonna be
out of work for good.
Who are you?
Just someone
who doesn't like to see
hard workers like yourselves
lose their jobs, that's all.
Nobody takes jobs
away from us!
We need to speak to mayor
and tell her to shut down
this illegitimate business.
Or maybe we could have
the police shut him down.
Hey, I got an idea!
Why don't you guys
just make your cars
cleaner and nicer
and try to be
better to your customers
so that you can compete
with Handicar's popularity
in the marketplace?
Just ignore my friend.
He's mentally disabled.
Oh, yeah.
Don't mind me.
Now, listen, everybody.
If you're a sheep herder
and there's a snake
taking away your sheep,
what do you do
to the snake?
Offer it last year's
Christmas in Rocksummer prices?
No, you fucking moron.
You kill the snake.
Timmy, Timmy.
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.
Hey, wake up, you little scab.
T-T-Timmy?
We got a message for ya
from the union.
Just imagine it, Mimsy...
a whole summer to ourselves
to do what we want.
It's going to be awesome.
Well, well.
Hello, gentlemen.
I understand you've taken care
of our little problem?
Yeah, we sure did.
Let's just say
he'll be laid up awhile.
Yeah, we snuck in his room
last night,
and we broke his legs.
Oh, boy, that's gr...
Wait, you what?
Timmy!
I am Lorde
Lordy, Lordy, Lorde
But we broke his legs.
Both of them!
Let me give you guys
a hot news flash.
If you want to hurt
a crippled kid,
you don't break
his fucking legs!
How can people be
so ineffectual, Mimsy?
Derr, I don't know, boss.
These are supposed
to be men
who care about
their occupation.
Maybe if they're
that incompetent,
we shouldn't be trying
to save their jobs.
Maybe Handicar's a kind of
economic natural selection,
where the more diligent workers
are weeding out
the useless ones.
Derr!
Shut up, Mimsy!
Right here is good.
Thank you.
I can just use the app
to tip you, right?
Timmy!
Oh, this is so handy.
Thank you.
Timmy.
- Timmy, Timmy.
- Hey, Timmy.
It's your friend from camp,
Nathan.
Timmy!
Listen,
you can't possibly handle
all this business
you're getting.
Admit it.
You've got more customers
than you can handle.
Timmy.
I've got an amazing idea.
Why don't you let other people
drive Handicars, too?
Think of all the money
you could raise for camp
if you expand your business.
Hmm. Timmy.
I'm sure you could find
a lot of interested drivers.
Timmy.
That's great.
Summer camp, here we come.
Now kiss your business goodbye,
asshole.
Derr, I don't get it, boss.
I thought you hated Handicar.
How's come now
you want to work for him?
It's very simple, Mimsy.
I'm gonna take down Handicar
by being an employee
who sexually harasses
the passengers.
- Derr, sexual harassment, boss?
- It's simple.
If you're a sheep herder
and a snake
is killing your sheep,
you just need
to have the snake
get sued
for sexual misconduct.
Now, you find me a female
passenger on that app
and leave the rest to me.
Derr, oh, boy!
Timmy.
Hello, ma'am.
Handicar at your service.
Climb on in.
So, let me
ask you a question.
Would you like
to see my dick?
Sure.
Would you like to see mine?
Uh-oh!
Mimsy!
Aah! Aah! Mimsy!
And I thought
a shark was bad.
Come on, honey.
It says our Handicar
is just pulling up.
Timmy.
Oh, hi, Gerald, Sheila.
Steven?
What are you doing?
You didn't know? Anyone can be
a Handicar driver now.
AII you have to do
is get your own wheelchair,
and you can earn a Handicap.
I've had my Handicap
for about three days now.
Get on in.
I'm telling you, Gerald,
having a Handicap
is a great way to make
some money on the side.
Timmy!
- Timmy!
- Timmy!
The world of transportation
is really changing, Gerald.
Derr, gee, your idea
to have Handicar expand
really worked, boss.
Excuse me.
Out of my way, please.
I have a Handicap.
I had a handicap
way before you got paid
to have one!
Ha! You sound like that
Matthew McConaughey guy.
Derr, "I drove a Lincoln
way before I got paid
to drive one."
Derr!
Shut up, Mimsy!
For the past eight years,
Tesla has been
the leading innovator
in the world
of automotive transport.
And now the president and CEO
of Tesla Motorcars, Elon Musk.
Today I am proud to announce
the Tesla D,
the most innovative
and efficient,
world-friendly mode
of transportation ever created.
Any questions?
Yes, uh, what about Handicar?
What about it?
Well, all over the country,
people are realizing
that using an app to ride-share
is even more convenient
and eco-friendly
than electric cars.
How do you intend to compete
with this boy genius
in Colorado?
I am so sick of hearing
about app-based ride-sharing!
The future of transportation
is the electric car,
not wheelchairs!
Don't worry, Elon.
Handicar is just
a small company.
Oh, sure, operating
in a few small towns.
But when they start absorbing
the taxi markets,
bringing taxi service
to any part of the world,
driving your kids
to and from school,
delivering both
people and things?
We can't compete with Handicar.
It's just so damn handy!
If there is a way
to reduce Handicar's
positive publicity,
then we need to do it now.
And you... You say
it's theoretically possible?
Of course.
It's very simple.
If you're a sheep herder
and a snake is killing
all your sheep,
how do you
get rid of the snake?
Who's the sheep herder?
You are.
Who's the snake?
Handicar.
Derr, it's an analogy!
Shut up, Mimsy!
If you're a sheep herder
and a snake
is killing your sheep,
all you have to do
is prove to the sheep
that the snake
is a completely
inferior entity.
- Timmy!
- Timmy!
Hey, Timmy.
How is the fund-raising
for camp going?
- Timmy!
- That's great.
I can't wait
for camp this year.
We are doing
some fund-raising, too.
Have you heard of my friend,
Elon Musk, from Tesla?
Good day to you.
Timmy!
Hey, how would you
like to have
a friendly little race?
It would be great publicity
for your fund-raising
and for ours.
Derr, we're gonna get Timmy
killed in the race, huh, boss?
Shut up, Mimsy!
What do you say, Timmy?
A friendly race this Saturday?
We'll see you
at 9:00 a.m. sharp.
Hey, everyone!
You need to see this!
What started
as a simple contest
is quickly escalating
into an international crisis.
As electronic cars challenge
the oil industry
and transportation alternatives
fight for dominance,
the unavoidable outcome
may be a conflict
the likes the world
has not seen since the '70s.
It appears that the world
is once again on the brink
of Wacky Races.
Wacky Races?
Holy shit!
The prime minister of Japan
has insisted
that any race would break
the Treaty of Salzburg,
which called for a cease-fire
to the Wacky Races
for their senseless brutality.
They also claim that
if a race does take place,
they would have no choice
but to enter their completely
self-driven prototype Lexus
into the conflict.
The Canadians and Chinese
are also saying
they would be forced to race,
and no one yet has heard
from Dick Dastardly or Muttley.
Unless a miracle happens,
this Saturday morning
the world will witness
the first Wacky Races
in nearly 50 years.
Wacky Races are on!
Wacky Races are back on!
Oh, my God,
Wacky Races are back on!
Randy, they're bringing back
Wacky Races Saturday morning!
I know! Are we watching
at your house?
That's it, everyone!
We're out of cereal!
- No! I didn't get any!
- That guy has two!
I'm sorry, there's none left,
don't you understand?!
Don't you see
what they're doing?
This is just another example
of corporations
trying to keep down people
with Handicaps.
Don't do the race.
You don't have to
prove anything.
He has to do it.
Don't you see?
He has people
that are depending on him
to raise as much money
as possible.
There are hundreds of people
with Handicaps now.
Timmy.
But isn't that the problem?
I mean, let's face it.
It's not like he's able
to keep the driver quality up.
Anyone can have
a Handicap now.
I mean,
even Matthew McConaughey's
a Handicar driver,
for Christ's sake.
McCONAUGHEY: Hey...
I was driving a Handicar
way before I got paid
to drive one.
I just like how it feels.
Look, the point is
that this is your opportunity
to make Handicar... Oop, sorry.
Hold on. Sorry.
I went too far.
This is your opportunity
to make Handicar
the transportation
of the future.
Think what you could do
with all that money.
And here they are,
the most daredevil group
of shared-ride drivers
to ever whirl their wheels,
in the Wacky Races,
competing for the title of
the future of transportation.
Cars are approaching
the starting line.
First off is the Lyft car,
a ride-sharing company
out of San Francisco.
Next up is the Zipcar,
a pay-by-the-hour concept
based on Chinese bicycles.
Maneuvering for position
is a standard taxicab
driven by an angry Russian.
Right behind
is a Hummer salesman
in his 2014 Hummer No Class.
And there's ingenious inventor
Elon Musk in his new Tesla D.
Oh, and here's the lovely
Canadian actress Neve Campbell
in the Canadian concept vehicle
the Queef,
powered completely
on female natural gas.
Next we have the Handicar
with Timmy Burch,
and there's the completely
automated self-driving car
from Japan.
Limping along last
are those
double-dealing do-badders,
Dick Dastardly
and his sidekick, Muttley.
And away they go
on the way-out Wacky Races.
And this live coverage
of the event
will be broadcast all morning,
of course, on CNN.
Jesus. It's begun.
God help them all.
All I know is,
if Dastardly and Muttley
are up to their old tricks,
there's gonna be
a lot of violence today.
You are watching BBC World.
The violent conflict
over transport is under way,
and it is even more senseless
and vile than many remember.
We return you now
to our live coverage
of the Wacky Races.
As the Wacky Racers
roll down the roadway,
we see that the taxicab
is in the lead,
with Handicar
pulling up the rear.
Timmy!
AII the cars
must follow the same route.
First they'll leave
the town of South Park,
then navigate
through Giggling Gulch
on the final stretch
to pick up the passenger,
a Miss Dotty Applegate.
Once the passenger
is picked up,
the vehicle must
successfully deliver her
to the destination point
at her daughter's house
in Morrison.
It looks like the Zipcar
is trying to vie for position
past the Hummer vehicle.
It's neck and neck
as the Wacky Racers
all push to be first
to pick up the passenger.
Miss Applegate
is waiting patiently.
And Elon Musk's Tesla
appears to take the lead.
Slow down!
I need Timmy to pick up
the passenger before we do.
But I thought we wanted Handicar
to lose the race!
He can't just lose the race.
He has to get sued
and lose the whole business.
That's why,
when he gets the passenger,
I've got a little surprise
waiting for him.
Hey, boss, it seems like every
time you come up with a plan,
it kind of backfires on you.
If you really don't want
to go to summer camp so bad,
why don't you just tell
your parents how you feel?
You know, tell them
you don't want to go,
and just see how they react.
Wait, wait.
I got it.
Shut up, Mimsy!
- Hey, Mimsy.
- Yeah?
Shut up!
The Canadian car
overtakes the self-driving car.
And now here comes the Zipcar,
which is being driven
by Matthew McConaughey.
I was driving a Zipcar
way before I got paid
to drive one.
And look at this...
the Lyft car is
the first to arrive
and pick up the passenger.
Now the Lyft car
must take the passenger
to her destination,
but look at this.
The Hummer salesman is running
the Lyft car off the road.
And the Hummer salesman is
taking the passenger to the car,
and he is going to
let her drive herself.
You've got
a fully automated sound system,
and your sunroof
is operated right here.
What do you think, huh?
Can you see yourself
in one of these puppies?
Elon Musk is using
one of his kooky inventions
to put the Hummer
out of commission for good.
- Oh, God!
- Jesus! Did you see that? Oh!
The passenger is
being taken to the Tesla D now.
No, wait.
She just got snatched
by the pissed-off Russian
in his taxi.
Miss Applegate is now
in the back of the taxi,
and she's being forced
to watch Jimmy Fallon.
Uh-oh.
The Canadian car's
completely run out of queefs.
With the race nearly over,
it's the taxi out in front,
followed by self-driving car,
and then pulling up in third
is Handicar.
Timmy!
It's gonna be a close one.
Not too close, Boopsie.
Oh, no... Dick Dastardly
is up to no-do-goodery again.
Oh! Oh! Dude!
- Oh!
- Oh, dude!
- Boom!
- Boom!
And there's Handicar
to pick Mrs. Applegate up!
That's it.
Handicar has the passenger.
We're almost in range.
Another 100 feet.
Wait a minute.
What the hell
are all those cars?
Holy shit!
Timmy!
Aah!
Liv-a-la!
Timmy!
We're near the finish line.
The race is almost over.
Handicar is in the lead,
still way out in front
of the Zipcar
driven by Matthew McConaughey.
Sometimes you got to go forward
by going backward.
Are we driving cars,
or are cars driving us?
The Dastardly car
is racing past both.
This could be an upset, folks.
Timmy!
Good night,
you son of a bitch.
Mimsy, I told you
to put the explosives
under Timmy's seat!
Derr, you told me
to put the explosives
under the seat of that fake,
soft-spoken douche bag
that everyone loves!
Not that fake,
soft-spoken douche bag
that everyone loves!
Oh, my.
It appears that an explosion
has opened up a wormhole
with Matthew McConaughey inside.
Mimsy...
And there's the finish.
It looks like Handicar
has done it.
Timmy!
A big congratulations
to our fund-raising champion.
After selling the Handicar
rights to Elon Musk,
Timmy has raised $2.3 billion
for summer camp.
Great job to all of you.
This is sure to be
the best summer camp ever!
All set for bed, honey?
Yeah, I like to sleep
at nighttime!
All right.
Good night.
Wait.
Wait. Mom?
Can we talk?
Um, yes.
O-Of course.
This is very difficult, Mom.
But, um...
You know how every year
I go to summer camp?
Well, I hate it.
I hate it, and I don't want
to go anymore.
I'm sorry.
I can't understand you, honey.
You're handicapped.
What's to understand?
I'm telling you
I don't want to go
to that stupid camp anymore!
You want water?
Is that what you want?
No!
I don't want to go to camp!
Oh, yes. Okay, honey.
I'll turn off the lamp.
No!
That's not
what I fucking said!
Goddamn it!
Now I can't even see!
Ow!
What's he saying?
That he doesn't want to go
to summer camp this year,
but I'll be damned if he's
gonna ruin our Italy trip.
Right.
Oh! Aah! Mimsy!