South Park (1997–…): Season 18, Episode 1 - Go Fund Yourself - full transcript

The boys use Kickstarter to fund themselves so they can sit on their butts and do absolutely nothing, but when Eric uses the name Washington Redskins, the owner of the Redskins is determined to stop him.

I'm goin' down to South Park

Gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces everywhere

Humble folks
without temptation

I'm goin' down to South Park

Gonna leave my woes behind

Ample parking day or night

People spouting
howdy neighbor

Headin' on up to South Park

Gonna see if I can't unwind

Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!



Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine

Boner balls.

Boner balls.
Boner... Boner forest.

Dense boner forest.

Pungent crotch sweat.

Pungent...
Milk... Milky crotch ooze.

Barking vaginal belch.

Protruding vaginal boner.

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Oh, I like that.

Rotten booby turds!

Nah.

- Bloody butt cough.
- Uh-huh.

Angry clit spasm.



Nope, sorry.

Whooping fart balls.

Nope.

Lubricated titty burgers.

That's taken too.

Indifferent rectal
semen splooge.

Sorry.

Indifferent Rectal
Semen Splooge is taken?

Come on!

How are we supposed to name
our start-up company

if every name is already taken?

I told you,
you just have to be

really original
with your company name.

There's a lot of
start-up companies these days.

Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly
on the Table, Inc.

That's available!

Congratulations.

It doesn't quite
roll of the tongue.

Dude, we're not gonna get
any attention with that name.

Man, this sucks!

Uh, Stan, aren't you
supposed to be in school?

No, Dad, we don't need
school anymore.

We're forming
a start-up company.

A start-up company?
A company that does what?

No, we don't want to
do anything.

Yeah, that's why we want
to have a start-up company.

Yeah, we're sick of school,

but all
the good, attention-getting

start-up company names
are taken!

Well, boys, there's more
to starting a company

than having a catchy name.

No, there isn't.

You guys!
You guys, it's awesome!

Holy shit, you guys!

You guys, I've got it!

What?

It's the greatest
start-up company name ever.

What? Tell us!

Washington Redskins.

Washington Redskins?

It's so sweet.

I'm pretty sure
that's taken, Cartman.

It's not, dude!

Some dumb court thingy happened,
and the trademark got pulled!

We can use it!
And the logo!

Washington Redskins.

- I like it.
- Mrph rm!

What?

Dude, there's already
brand-name awareness,

and it's
instantly recognizable.

Wait, guys, this...
this doesn't seem legal.

Kyle, you're not hearing me.

The trademark has been pulled.
We can do whatever we want.

- You all right, dude?
- Yeah. I just...

Well, I just thought
our company name would be

more, like, original.

It's a strong name, dude.

It's, like, aggressive
and masculine,

like Boner Forest,
but Boner Forest was taken.

Yeah, but maybe we need
a name that's more affirming,

like, shows what we stand for.

We don't stand for anything.
Remember our company plan, guys.

Start up, cash in,
sell out, bro down.

I'm just not sure
this is the name

people are gonna give money to.

- We already got a dollar!
- What?

- $1 pledged!
- Mrph rm!

I told you, guys!

"Washington Redskins" totally
gets peoples' attention!

- Another $2!
- No way!

Sitting on our asses,
here we come!

Another new start-up company

is gaining a lot of attention
on the Internet.

They're a company that does
absolutely nothing

and they're called
the Washington Redskins.

The Redskins started
as what appeared to be

some kind of adolescent prank,

but almost overnight
it has become

one of the most heavily funded
projects on Kickstarter.

Why did you give $5

to the Washington Redskins
Kickstarter?

I don't know, I just...

They don't do anything.
That's pretty sweet.

I don't know.
I thought it was funny.

By pledging just $1 or $2,
you are helping us

in our fervent quest
to not have to do stuff.

If you pledge $10 or more,
you will receive

this luxurious company
micro badge.

It's called crowdfunding...

using the Internet
to raise money

without having to
pay back your investors,

a tactic that some believe
is unfair and impersonal.

Washington Redskins,
go fuck yourself.

Sure! We'd be happy
to take your money.

Yep, just go
to our Kickstarter page.

Okay, nice, idiot.
Uh-huh, fuck you, bye-bye.

You are Eric Cartman?

Yes, I know.

My name is Dan Snyder.

I'm the president and owner
of the Washington Redskins.

Oh, cool.
Please, take a seat.

Thank you, but I will stand.

Nice. I like that.

Young man, we ask that you
please stop using the name

Washington Redskins
for your organization.

Stop? But why?

Because we are
the Washington Redskins

and we are a football team.

You have no right to use
our name to get attention.

Uh, the trademark got pulled,

so I'm totally free
to use the name, actually.

Uh, Butters,
could you get that?

Washington Redskins,
go fuck yourself.

Look, don't you see that
when you call your organization

the Washington Redskins,
it's offensive to us?

How is it offensive?

How is it offensive?!
Jesus, what...

we are a proud team,
Mr. Cartman.

We have no wish
to be associated

with people
who actively do nothing.

Makes us feel like a joke!

Guys, guys.
We have total respect for you.

When we named our company
Washington Redskins,

it was out of deep appreciation
for your team and your people.

Uh, I know I can't legally
make you stop using our name,

but... but won't you just do it
out of decency?

N-N-N-No.

Because I don't want to,

and we can't just
change the name of our company

'cause it's, like, super hard.

But, hey, from one Redskin
to another, go fuck yourself.

All around the world,
people are saying

they are inspired
by the Washington Redskins.

The Internet start-up company
has raised so much money

on Kickstarter that now
more groups are doing the same.

More news on the
Washington Redskins tonight.

Their defiant "F you" attitude

has now caught the attention
of the terrorist group ISIS.

The terrorists said they admire
the Washington Redskins

and want to try and follow
their business model.

Well, let's not
forget, Marsha,

that there's a people here,
okay,

who are not happy
about the use of the name...

the football
Washington Redskins.

Well, yeah but does
anyone really care about them?

Dude, this is so cool!

We only have six days to go
before all the money

pledged to our company
becomes liquid.

Guys, we need to talk to you.

I really don't think
we want to be a company

that ISIS looks up to.

We should maybe
issue a statement saying

that we don't sanction them.

Oh, no.
No, you guys.

We started this company
to do nothing.

If we start doing stuff now,
it'll put it all at risk.

people aren't
going to support our company

if we dig in our heels and say
we don't care about anything.

digging in our heels
and pissing on public opinion

is what the Washington Redskins
are all about!

Now, come on, guys!

If you want to be
a successful business,

then you have to be honest
about what you are.

Once you take a stand
on something, you're pretending

like your company is about
more than money.

Then all of a sudden,
you're the NFL

and your players get caught
molesting little boys!

That's the Catholic church!

NFL, Catholic church...
same thing!

Okay, let's use
the Catholic church.

You take a moral stand
on issues,

you say you're about honor
and integrity,

and the next thing you know,
your clergymen are

getting caught beating up
their wives in an elevator.

- That's the NFL.
- It's the same thing, Kyle!

The point is,
if we as an organization

claim to be about high morality,
somebody is eventually

going to get raped or beaten
in an elevator,

and it's most likely
going to be Butters.

Oh, no!

AII right, I really didn't
want to have to do this, but...

I'm not happy with the direction
this company is taking.

Well, what are you gonna do?
Go back to school?

I'm not going back there, man.

Maybe I'll start
my own company.

Well, that's fine.

You can't call yourself
Washington Redskins!

I don't want to!
It's a stupid name!

Well, I guess everything's
out on the table now, huh, Kyle?

Yeah, I guess...
I guess everything is.

Stan, do you think
our name is stupid too?

I don't know.

But I don't know if my future
is with this company either.

Well, then, I wish you both well
in your new venture.

Goodbye.

Hang on. Is this the company
where I don't raped?

Yeah, h-here, right?
Okay, I-I'm staying here.

Is the league
just going to sit by

while my team and my players
are compared to ISIS?

You have to do something,
Commissioner Goodell!

What are you going to do
about this?

I will
get it right

and do whatever is necessary
to accomplish that.

What?

We will continue to identify
and add expertise to our team.

That's the most ridiculous,
nothing answer I've ever heard.

What are you gonna do now?

Everyone will participate
in education sessions

starting in the next month.

Ugh!
This thing is broken!

We can add... And we will
do more... do more...

do more...
do more...

Get all the NFL owners
on Skype!

This... This thing
is broken again!

And so I call upon the help
of all owners...

You cannot let my people
be belittled like this.

Dan, you don't want to be
dealing with this stuff,

let the Goodell-bot do it.

The stupid thing
isn't working!

I will
get it right.

Man, that thing hasn't worked
right since we bought it.

Look, my team is starting
to lose hope.

You have to use your influence

to make these people
change their name.

Did you tell them we're
about honor and integrity?

If the Goodell-bot is broken,

we must stay out of it
more than even usual.

And so I'm alone?

What if they ridicule
the 49ers' team next?

Or make fun of Jerry Jones

because his eyes
are too far apart?

My eyes aren't too far apart.

If we get them
to change their logo,

will it make you happy?

I-I guess
we can live with that.

Then it is decided.

We will make them
change their logo.

Begin mass-behind-the-scenes,

under-the-table
enforcement of our wishes now!

Go!

Thank God.

Fuck you, fuck you!

Fuck you up there.
Fuck you.

"Fuck you."

Those words mean
a great deal to us.

They help us express
just how we as a company

see things differently.

There are a lot of start-up
companies on Kickstarter,

but after today
I think you'll agree

that Washington Redskins
is the most exciting.

As you know,
the Redskins have been

on the forefront of Kickstarter
as a company

that is always finding
new and exciting ways

to tell people
to go fuck themselves.

And now our company is
thrilled to show you

all the latest innovations
we've come up with.

To begin with,
we have moved the couch

from the left side of the office
to the right side.

But we didn't stop there.

We also added a new rug

that goes better
with our office drapes.

And probably
most exciting of all,

we have actually updated
the company from the inside out.

We received a lot of pressure
from certain communities

to change our Redskins logo.

As a company we want to be firm,
but we also want to be flexible,

and so we thought
if we have to change our logo,

it should be more
in step with today's times

but still define us as
the leading Kickstarter company.

What we came up with
is the new company logo

that I think you'll all agree
is very exciting.

Now when people hear
the name "Redskins,"

they will immediately think
"titties" and "balls."

It's just a bold new way
that we can say,

"We don't fucking care."

Go, Redskins!

It's so awesome, dude.

Our company already has
a hundred backers,

and we still have
14 days to go!

Yeah.

You okay, bro?

I just never saw myself
owning a company called

Furry Balls Plopped
Menacingly on the Table.

Give it time.
It'll grow on you.

Why don't we just call it
Untitled Start-up Company?

Because that sounds like
we don't have anything.

We've been through this
already, Stan.

Yeah, I know that.

But a good company should never
have seven words in its title.

What do you mean?

I just feel that
somewhere out there,

there's a perfect
start-up company name,

and I need to be free
to go find it.

Oh.

Well, I certainly
don't want you to feel

that Furry Balls Plopped
Menacingly on the Table

is holding you back.

Good luck
with your company, dude.

Yeah.
Good luck with yours.

It's just incredible, Harry.

Everyone is using Kickstarter
for everything!

And for every project funded,
we get 5%.

it's like we don't even
have to do anything

and we just make money.

Sitting on our asses,
here we come.

Caw-caw. Caw-caw

Hoo-hoo.
Hoo-hoo-hoo.

Huh?

Aah!

Aah!

Go-o-od morning, guys!

- Happy deadline day!
- We made it, guys.

We can finally stop doing stuff

and see just how much
our company made

in four, three, two, one...

That's the deadline!

Oh, boy, this is
like Christmas morning!

What the hell?
"Can't find the server"?

Kickstarter.
Where is Kickstarter?

Get it up on your phone,
Butters.

Come on, I want to know
how much our company is worth!

it's not coming up
on my phone either. I...

Holy Mother Mary!

Mrph?

Somebody raided Kickstarter

and they burned the building
to the ground!

- What?!
- Somebody killed Kickstarter!

Who the hell would burn
Kickstarter to the ground?

Oh, my God!

That weird, little Jewy guy!

Kyle!

What the hell is wrong?

"Can't find the server"?
Kickstarter.

- You son of a bitch!
- What?

You broke Kickstarter!

N-No, I just can't get it
to load.

Nobody can!
It's gone!

You just couldn't take it
that our company

was more successful
than yours would ever be!

my company was
on Kickstarter too!

- Why would I get rid of it?
- Well, somebody did!

It doesn't matter, you guys.

There's something
a lot more important here.

Do you guys remember
when we first decided

to start a company together?

We all had a common goal,

and we weren't gonna let
anything stop us

from getting to the bro down.

But somewhere between
starting up and selling out,

we... we lost our way.

We can't do this on our own.
We need each other.

He's right.
We should do a merger.

A merger?

It's too late for that,
you guys!

Kickstarter is gone!

We don't have a company!
We don't have anything!

Yes, we do.

We have a sweet name.

I was wrong, Cartman.

Washington Redskins
is the perfect name.

I think maybe I was just jealous
that I didn't come up with it.

It is really sweet.

And we always said that
all we needed was a sweet name

and the rest
would figure itself out.

Yeah, we can do it, fellas!
It'll be like old times!

What do you say, Cartman?

Fuck you!

Fuck you, everyone!

Yes, fuck you all.
Thanks!

How do you stay relevant
in a volatile marketplace?

As you know,
our goal at Washington Redskins

is to not do anything
and make money not doing it.

When Kickstarter went down,

many saw
their start-up projects die,

but here at Washington Redskins
we saw opportunity.

People still need a way
to raise money

for their stupid
start-up projects,

and with the Redskins
you can now go fund yourself.

And the idea is simple.

You, the people, go out
and raise all your own money,

and give
the Washington Redskins 5%.

You will literally
be giving us money

for doing absolutely nothing.

It is the biggest fuck you
we have ever come up with.

But we didn't stop there,

because a new company direction
also means, of course,

a new and improved logo.

Go, Redskins!

A beautiful night
in Arlington, Texas,

as the Dallas Cowboys get set to
take on the Washington Redskins.

That is, of course,
Washington Redskins

the football team,
not Washington Redskins

the audacious
crowdfunding company.

Yeah, and if you ask me,
the Redskins are a scam.

You're talking about the
crowdfunding company Redskins.

That's right.

A-And now you've got
terrorist groups like ISIS

using the Redskins
to raise their money.

I don't like
what the Redskins are doing.

- Those Redskins.
- Yeah, whatever.

It's over.

Our name has been reduced
to a stereotype and a joke.

Yeah, let's just go home.

No.
No, we cannot give up!

We have been through
too much together!

We have fought Eagle and Bear!

The Eagles only beat us
by 3 points!

Yeah, but I just feel stupid
wearing this now.

- Yeah.
- Come on, guys.

Where will we go?
What will we do?

Don't let them break you!
Don't let them win!

And the Cowboys
are still set to kick off,

but there doesn't seem anyone
to kick off to.

Yeah,
and Jerry Jones must be happy.

This means a forfeit
and another win for the Cowboys.

Wait a minute...
It appears a lone Redskin

is making his way
out of the locker room.

The Cowboys kick it off.

Hut!

Hut hut hut!

Aah! Aah!

Hut hut hut.
Hut hut hut hut!

Ah! Aah!

Aah!

Hut!
Hut hut hut.

Hut hut!

Aah! Aah!

Oh!

Just stay down,
for the love of God!

Hut hut.
Hut.

Aah! Aah!

- Stop! Make it stop!
- Just stay down!

Please,
just make him stay down!

- Go, Redskins!
- Go, Redskins!

Boy, this is the life,
huh, guys?

We finally did it!

I might just sit here until
my ass fuses into the couch.

What the hell is that?

Whoa, whoa!
What?

Change your name!

It doesn't belong
in today's society!

Change our name?

But you all thought
our name was sweet.

There's nothing sweet about
a people who were decimated,

a once proud nation
that finally lost hope

and left their leader
to be massacred by Cowboys

in a defiant last stand.

When was this?

Last night.

Until you change your name,
we are asking

all your subscribers
to boycott you!

That's right.

ISIS will no longer use
your insensitive company

for its fund-raising.

- Yeah!
- All right!

Good for you, ISIS!

What the hell do we do?

I guess we got to go
back to school.