South Park (1997–…): Season 17, Episode 7 - Black Friday - full transcript

¶

- ¶ I'm goin'
down to south park ¶

¶ gonna have myself a time

- ¶ friendly faces everywhere

¶ humble folks
without temptation ¶

- ¶ I'm goin'
down to south park ¶

¶ gonna leave my woes behind

- ¶ ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor ¶

- ¶ headin' on up to south park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ¶

- ¶ [muffled]

- ¶ come on down to south park
and meet some friends of mine ¶



- The holiday season is here.

And black Friday is upon us.

As you know,
black Friday is the day

Shoppers go berserk
for holiday deals.

Last year, 26 people died
and 461 were seriously injured.

This winter,
the mall is offering 60% off

To the first 20 people
in the store.

- It'll be a bloodbath!
- Are you crazy?

- For you new recruits,

Perhaps you took this job to see
just what the violence was like,

Or perhaps you
thought working black Friday

Wouldn't be a big deal.

- I'm just trying to earn
some extra holiday cash.

- Or maybe you're just
too stupid to realize



What you've gotten
yourselves into.

- That's enough!

Our only chance of surviving
this year's sale

Is by sticking together.

Those of you who signed up
are to be commended.

But I warn you,

Do not underestimate the battle
that's about to take place

Outside those doors.

Winter is coming.

- Good evening, sir.

I'm calling together
all the fighters of zaron.

I need to speak
with lady mckormick.

- She's not here
right now.

- Please tell her there's to be
a meeting in the great hall.

I have found a way
to get xbox ones

And the fair lady mckormick
will want to hear about it.

[overlapping chatter]

- [banging]

Thank you all for coming.

Prince token,
sir timmy of blacklake,

Lady mckormick.

- [giggles]

- Warriors, we have fought
many great battles together

At claude's house,
at scott malkinson's house.

But soon we will be fighting
the greatest battle

Of our young, hot lives.

Winter is coming.

And the next gen gaming devices
are hitting the shelves.

- Which nobody can afford.

- What if I were to tell you
that if we all work together

There's a way we can
get the new gaming systems?

- If you know of a way wizard,
then speak.

- I've learned of a dark magic
at work.

The day after thanksgiving,

The first 20 people
inside the mall

Get 60% of whatever they want.

They're calling it
"black Friday".

- Whoa! Spooky!

- Black Friday?
Come on, that can't be real.

- It is real, craig.
I saw it on the news, butthole.

- It is real.
They do it every year.

But everyone in town tries
to be the first inside the mall

On black Friday.

What chance do we have?
- On our own, none.

But if we plan, strategize,
and fight together,

We can be the first people
inside on black Friday

And use the 60% to get
the gaming systems

We need to survive.

- Well,
it's almost thanksgiving,

And we all know
what that means.

- That's right, black Friday
is just around the corner.

- Ouch.

- And people are already
gearing up.

- We usually start lining up
around 3:00 a.M.

We, uh, douse ourselves
in pig blood,

Because it does help us
slip through the crowd

When the doors open.

- We do it every year,
part of the family tradition.

Last year
we lost our youngest daughter.

Her head was stepped on
and crushed.

But in her memory,

We're going to find a young girl
and step on her head this year.

- If anyone thinks they're gonna
beat me inside that mall

And keep me from getting
my kids' christmas presents,

They can kiss my fat vagina,

'cause I'm bringing
the motherfucking pain.

- Tom, the south park mall
says they've beefed up security

In an effort to reduce

The number of fatalities
this year.

One thing's for sure,

People take black Friday
very seriously.

- Yes. Yes, very nice.
Good.

- Wizard cartman, I have news
from the internet, milord.

- They don't salute
in game of thrones, butters.

- Sorry,
I haven't watched it yet.

- Okay, well, you need
to start immediately, please.

[clears throat]
ah, very good!

The house of greyhawk
has agreed to join our fight.

- The house of greyhawk?

- Larry and brad stolsky.

- But, my friends,
we must still find others

Who will fight by our side.

Are there no other factions
we can call to our aid?

How about we ask those kids
who play star trek?

- Uh, no, screw those guys.

They're dorks
and I'm not playing with them.

- Hey, that's
what I'm talking about.

Got any extra of that?

Oh, thanks.

Gets a little boring
around here, you know?

- Enjoy the boredom
while you can.

- So you worked here
last winter?

You worked on black Friday?

- I did.

- Is it really as bad
as they say it is?

[dramatic music]

- The shoppers...

Started showing up
at midnight on Thursday.

They didn't line up,

They just crammed themselves
near the main entrance.

I can see their faces smushed up
against the glass,

Licking their lips,
waiting to get in.

God, the sounds
that they made.

It was 5:00 a.M.
When they opened they doors.

There was screaming, blood,

People tearing each other's
faces off

While holiday music played
in the background.

I saw a woman pick up
her daughter by the ankle

And swing her
into some old guy's head.

Before I knew it, they were
all around me fighting, clawing.

Then a hand reached in
and pulled me out.

Old cap.
He saved us all that day.

When it was over,

The front of the mall
was covered in red,

Bodies, shopping bags.

And now winter comes again.

- Wizard cartman,

I've watched some more
game of thrones.

- Ah, yes, paladin butters.
Are you enjoying it?

- Well, it's pretty good,
I guess.

But have you ever noticed
that almost every time

They show a guy's wiener
that guy's character is gay?

- What do you mean?

- Well, it's just that they have
a lot of girls' boobs

And vaginas and stuff,

But most times
they show a man's wiener,

It's because that guy's in
a love scene with another guy.

You think it's because
gay wieners are less threatening

To women viewers?

- I believe you might be missing
the greater point of show,

Paladin butters.

- Yeah, I know.

Winter is coming,

And there's dragons and zombies
on the way.

I'm pretty excited
for that.

Just can do with a little less
gay wiener is all.

- We have word
from the kindergartners.

They've agreed to join us.

[all cheering]

- Those xbox ones
are as good as ours.

All: Yeah!
- Wait, wait.

What are you talking about,
xbox ones?

- That's what
this is all about, craig.

We're all trying to get
xbox ones on black Friday.

- I thought we were getting
playstation 4s.

- What?
- Uh, me too.

- No, guys,

When I said we're gonna get
the next gen gaming systems,

I was obviously talking
about xboxes.

- But I want a ps4,
not a crappy xbox.

- Look, guys.

We all have to agree
on one system.

- If some of us are on ps4s,
but the rest of us are on xboxes

Then we all
can't play together online.

See? This is all about
committing to one machine.

- Right.
Let's all get ps4s.

- No, the xboxes
are gonna be better.

- They're not better,
they're just more expensive.

- We are getting xbox ones,
guys, and that is final.

- That's exactly
how xbox people are.

- Yeah!
- Fine!

If you guys don't wanna
join us on black Friday

To get xboxes,
then that's fine!

- We're still going to fight
on black Friday,

Just not with you.

- Oh, it's going to be
like that, is it?

- Everyone who wants
to get ps4s, join with us.

- No, we can't divide
like this.

Stan, you're on our side,
right?

- I like the ps4's
controller better.

- Stan, the ps4 doesn't have
the seamless transition

Between games, movies, and tv
offered by xbox one.

- The ps4 controller
has a touchpad interface.

You never listen.

I told you I thought
the ps4 was better,

But you never wanted
to listen to me, kyle.

You just had your head so set
because...

Because that's
how xbox people are.

- Then I guess I'll see you
on black Friday.

- If I see you at the mall,
kyle,

I will have to try
to beat you inside.

- I know.

- Come on, kyle.

Let these sony fucks wallow

In their limited voice control
functionality.

- ¶ christmas is coming,
goose is getting fat ¶

Ooh.

¶ please do put a penny
in the old man's-- ¶

- What the hell
are you doing?

- Oh, hey, sharon.
You're up, huh?

I, uh--
all right, look.

I took a temp job at the mall.

I just wanted to make
some extra holiday cash.

- Bullshit.

- I did, sharon!

I saw they were hiring
extra security,

And I thought it'd be a good way
to make money.

- You're doing this to try
and get to the front of line

On black Friday, aren't you?

- Nobody else
has thought of it, sharon.

I won't even be out
in the crowd.

I'll be on the inside
when the doors open.

While everyone is trying
to run over each other,

I'll turn around
and run right into the stores.

I'll be the first to get
whatever I want.

- Isn't black Friday supposed

To be about buying things
for other people?

- Winter's coming, sharon,

And I'm a sneaky little bee.
Buzz, buzz.

- Thrusters are at 20%,
captain.

- Engage, ensign,
warp factor one.

- Captain, we have
an incoming facetime request

From eric cartman.

- On screen.

- Oh, hey, guys.
What's up?

- Nothing much.

That might have new sources
of tririllium.

- God, these guys
are such dorks.

- Just find out
who they're loyal to.

- Uh, yeah,
big dong and prosper.

Um, listen, guys.
You're xbox people, right?

- Given the xbox's
faster frame rate,

We have no choice
but to declare it

The most technologically fit
for starfleet.

- Oh, my god,
they're so gay.

Um, cool.

What if I were to tell you

That we have a way
for you to join us

In getting xbox ones
super cheap?

- Cheap xbox ones?
For reals?

- The federation has agreed
to fight with us.

With them
and the kindergartners,

Our army has
just doubled in size.

You still think
you can convince stan

To come back to our side,
don't you, sir kyle?

- I don't know.

- You can't change his mind,
sir kyle.

Sony people don't think
with logic.

He betrayed us and now we must
out-game-of-thrones him

By making
powerful alliances.

- Oh, don't even
get me started!

I keep watching that show
and I'm still waiting

For the darn dragons to show up
and kick everyone's butts.

But all I get is wiener,
wiener, wiener.

It's not all gay wiener,

But when they do show
a straight guy's wiener,

It's all soft and floppy,

Even though he just got done
humping a pretty girl.

Why is that?

Because a soft wiener
isn't threatening,

Just like a gay wiener.

- Butters, you seem to be
somewhat obsessed with wieners.

- I'm obsessed with wieners?
What about hbo?

- This isn't helping us,
butters.

- The sony people might not be
our biggest problem.

- [muffled]

- Twitter says they're
introducing a new elmo doll

This christmas.

- What new elmo doll?

- [giggles]
who, me?

- Just in time
for the holidays,

It's "stop touching me elmo".

When you press his back,

Elmo puts his hand on your knee
and says fun things.

- Have you ever been tickled
on the inside?

I'm lonely.
Are you lonely?

Can I watch you go potty?

You wanna kiss the guy
who does elmo's voice?

- Stop touching me, elmo!

- Elmo also helps kids
brush their teeth

With his toothpaste dispenser.

- More, more, more, ohhh!

- Don't miss out on this holiday
season's biggest gift.

Stop touching me elmo.

Available at south park mall,
starting black Friday.

- Good morning,
joe, marcus.

- Morning, randy.
- What madness is this?

- What is it, sir?

- A new elmo doll.

They're releasing
a new elmo doll

Just in time
for black Friday.

- Oh, christ, no.

- You've murdered us,
you soulless monsters.

You've killed us all.

[banging on doors]

- Oh, god,
they're already lining up.

- Elmoooo.

- No, they can't line up
this soon.

This is crazy.
- I'll deal with these demons.

If you're here
for black Friday,

The line starts on that side
of the rope.

- This rope right here?

- That's the line
for black Friday

So other people can do
normal shopping today.

- Oh, okay, thanks.

- Elmoooo.

- Give me elmo.

- We come seeking your help.

Do you side
with those wanting xboxes,

Or will you join us
on black Friday

And fight for ps4s?

- Are you for real?

- You know that the ps4
is a better choice.

I mean, come on.

- Of course we're going to go
with the ps4.

They're blacker.
- Then join us.

We need people to help us
be the first 20 inside the mall.

- Uh, we're just gonna wait

Until the ps4s become cheaper
and more available.

- No, you can't do that.
- You can't do that.

- Don't you see?

This is about more
than black Friday.

Battle lines are being drawn.

If you wait it out

But everyone else has already
decided to go with xbox,

Then that will
become the standard.

The ps4 would be like
what betamax was to vhs.

- What's betamax?

- Exactly.

- What's vhs?

- Look, we're just asking people
who want to play on ps4s

To fight
for what they believe in.

- Sorry, I guess
we just don't care enough.

- Come on, sir stan.

There must be kids somewhere
who will join us.

- Lady mckormick, I was hoping
I could talk to you about kyle.

- [muffled]

- I'm not sure if his heart
is in the right place.

If he were
to ever switch sides,

It could make stan's army
problematic for us.

- [muffled]

- True,
but we can't let kyle

Come in the way
of what's rightfully ours.

Let's face it,
lady mckormick,

This is really about you and me
getting xbox ones.

The others are simply there

To help us get
inside those doors.

- [muffled]

- You have a strong influence
over the rest of the men,

Lady mckormick.

All I'm saying is that
when the time comes,

I might need you
to use that influence

To have kyle taken care of.

Do we understand each other?

- [muffled]

- Hey, you damn kids!
Get the hell out of my yard.

- Fuck you, dude.
This is the garden of andros.

- No, it's my damn garden,

And I'm sick of you kids
dressing up

And having talks of betrayal
in it.

- ¶ buzz, buzz, buzz

¶ buzz, buzz, buzz

70-inch television.

That would be good.

Ooh, but 60% off a computer.

Maybe I'll be able
to snag both.

- Doing all right there, rookie?
- Oh! Yes, sir.

- Sorry,
didn't mean to scare you.

- No, I was just looking
at all these great things

I can't afford.

- Listen, I know why you took
this part-time job.

- You--you do?

- I see it in you.
You care about people.

Same reason
I do it every year.

You remind me of my son.

He died on black Friday
in '89.

Guess I'm still trying
to save him.

Look, I just want to say I--

I really appreciate
what you're doing.

I promised my wife this would be
the last black Friday I worked.

When I see folks like you,

It makes me hopeful
that people will still be okay.

- Yeah, awesome.

- Aw, damn it, no lining up
behind the velvet rope.

They just don't listen.

- [sighs]

Buzz, buzz.

- Cartman's army is getting
bigger every day.

In addition to the federation
and the kindergartners,

The xbox army now also
has the kids

Who play harry potter,
the jocks,

The swim team,
and the glee club.

- Word is that the sixth graders
all prefer xbox too

And will team up
with cartman as well.

- And who do we have
on our side?

- Besides us, it's the book club
and janice pinkerton.

- Did you ask the vamp kids?
- They're still undecided.

- There has to be a way
to get people on the fence

To join our side.

- Playstation.

- Look, sir stan, it's probably
time to give this up.

- We're just
a dying breed, stan.

Xbox is going to win
this whole thing.

- So we're just going
to let other kids decide

Which game system
we all play on?

What would they do
on game of thrones?

What would they do
when things look their darkest?

- [moaning]

- [clears throat]

- Huh?

[speaking japanese]

- Sorry, to disturb you, sir,

But we thought
you should see this.

- [speaking japanese]

"winter is coming.

Choose side."

[speaking japanese]

- Just a small town
in middle america,

But apparently
a war's escalating.

- Sir, if this were to become
a news story,

And if the first people
inside that mall all got xboxes,

It clearly looks bad
for our image.

- [speaking japanese]

- What's going to be
the big item

Everyone goes for
this black Friday?

It just might be
the playstation 4.

Sony has just announced

They're offering
a special black Friday bundle

Called
the "brack Friday bunduru",

Which will include
four controllers,

A map of japan, $100 rebate,

And allow you
to automatically preorder

For metal gear solid 5.

No doubt sony
has just raised the stakes.

- Yes.
Good, federation kids.

You're learning to fight
with your hands.

Keep pushing,
kindergartners.

Sir kyle,
I know that sony's offering

A special
black Friday bunduru.

You know the xbox
is still better, right?

- Yeah, but why can't xbox

Automatically let you
preorder metal gear solid 5?

- Sir kyle, preorder doesn't
mean shit, okay?

When you preorder a game,

You're just committing
to paying for something

That some assholes
in california

Haven't even finished
working on yet.

You know what you get
for preordering a game?

A big dick in your mouth.

[all shouting]

- All right, listen up.

The mall's no longer
allowing people

To line up for black Friday
until thanksgiving night.

[all protesting]

It's okay.

To hold places in line,
we're handing out wristbands.

[all shouting]

Ahh! Oh, god!
Oh, my god!

- Wristbands!

- Back! Back all of you!

If that's how you are,
there'll be no wristbands.

- Now go!
- Ow!

- Back away.

- I'm getting my son
that elmo doll, you fuck!

- [groaning]

- No!

- You did good.
The watch is yours now.

- No, you can't die.
Everybody really likes you.

- This is what
we signed up for,

Right, my friend?

- No, I was lying to you.

I took this job to be
at the front of the line

On black Friday.

- Ha. Now you know
how serious this is.

Whatever your intentions before,
protect this town.

You are in charge now.

Take this.

Don't let black Friday
be the end.

- Get back inside.
We have work to do.

- When we started this fight,

It was because we were tired
of xbox people

Telling us
playstation sucked.

Now we're an army of our own.

[all shouting]

I can't guarantee
you will live,

But I can guarantee
that before this is over

The winner of the console wars
will be decided.

[all shouting]

Our new leader has joined us

To help make sure that system
is the ps4.

All hail the princess!

All: The princess.

- [screeching]

To line up for black Friday
until thanksgiving night.

[all protesting]

It's okay.

To hold places in line,
we're handing out wristbands.

[all shouting]

Ahh! Oh, god!
Oh, my god!