South Park (1997–…): Season 17, Episode 5 - Taming Strange - full transcript

I'm goin'
down to South Park

Gonna have myself a time

- Friendly faces everywhere

Humble folks
without temptation

I'm goin'
down to South Park

Gonna leave my woes behind

- Ample parking day or night

People spouting,
"Howdy neighbor"

Headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind

Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine

Students, I would love
to introduce you all



to the future, mkay?

Starting today, our school

will be operating entirely
on Intellilink.

Now, whenever you need to see
the school nurse

or talk to me, your counselor,
you can simply sign up

using this simple
integrated portal.

Mkay.

You can use a computer
or any of the Intellilink panels

which are located
throughout the school.

Let's say you're
in the cafeteria, mkay?

And you start coughing up blood
and need to see the nurse.

You just click
on "school clinic."

Mkay?
"See nurse."

Mkay?
"Respiration problems."



- J"All night long

Okay, I must be
in the wrong menu, mkay?

You can see you can control
the sound system as well, mkay?

It's all integrated
and smartlinked,

and this is a great idea, mkay?

Let's look at the message board.
"Message board."

"Message board."

Here you can easily write
messages to each other

or to the faculty, mkay?
For instance, here we go.

Here's a message from Kyle's
little brother, Ike Broflovski.

Mkay, little Ike says,
"My brother is a homo."

Ike made a little drawing
of his brother too.

Drew a nice picture
with a nice bird

hanging off
Kyle's forehead, mkay?

That's nice.

- That's a nice crane,

nice whooping crane coming off
Kyle's head there.

That's not a crane.
It's a dick and balls.

- Mom, Ike did it again.

I don't know
what's going on with him,

but it's like he hates me.

Oh, Kyle, your little brother
is getting older.

He's not a baby anymore.

I know, but he posted
a message of me

with a schlong on my head.

- It's natural, bubie.

Part of getting older

is finding ways to assert
your independence, you know.

Why don't you go
and try to talk to him?

You can win him over again.

Hey, Ike.
How's it going?

Get out of my room, Kyle.
I'm on my computer.

- I just wanted to see

if maybe you want to do
finger paints with me?

Do I look like I want to do
fucking finger paints?

Look at the fucking zits
on my face.

Ike, I just want us to be
friends again.

- Then stop harassing me, bro.

You don't know what it's like to
be a baby going through puberty.

I don't know whether to watch
Yo Gabba Gabba!

or go out
and tame some strange!

Yeah, let's watch
Yo Gabba Gabba! like old times.

- Come on, let's dance

- Go, go, go, Toodee

Go, go, go, Toodee

- Come on, let's dance!

- Brobee, go, go

- Dancey dance is my favorite.

It always has been.
See? This is nice.

- Go, go, go, Foofa

Come on, Foofa

- Come on, let's dance

Who would you rather fuck,
Foofa or Toodee?

- What?
- I want to fuck Foofa.

- J' Come on J'
- J' Come on, let's dance

I wouldn't want
to fuck Toodee.

She's a dyke.
You can tell.

But Foofa, man-I bet
she's got some sweet strange.

Go, go, do the Plex,
go, go

I don't even know
what the fuck Muno is.

- Ike, is that chewing tobacco?

What, you gonna fucking narc
and tell Mom?

No, I just don't think
it's healthy.

That's 'cause you don't
understand shit!

I knew this was a bad idea!

I'm gonna go watch
Yo Gabba Gabba! in my roomsies.

Come in, mkay.

- Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you?

Mkay, have you set up
a counseling appointment

on Intellilink?
- No.

Okay, that's fine.
That's fine.

We can use Intellilink
to see what's available.

Let's see.
"Counseling request."

"Students."

"Make appointment."

Mkay.
Oh, whoops.

Okay, "students."
"Make..

Oh, here we go.
"Make appointment."

Mkay, here we go.

Mkay, what do you need
counseling with?

- It's my little brother.

He's really changing,
and I feel like-

Mkay, I'll click
on "family issues."

What time did you want
counseling?

- Right now.
- Mkay.

And what is your brother's
Intelligrated smart name?

- I don't know.

All right, I can do
a lookup for the name.

"Go back."

"Main menu."

Oh, damn it!

- Oh, oh, oh
- Okay, now back. "Set"-

- Oh, oh, oh
- No, "set appointment."

- Tell me can you feel it
- Okay. "Speakers off."

Mkay, uh...mkay, what is
your smart name, Kyle?

- Tell me can you feel it
- What?

Sorry, Kyle, we're gonna need
to maybe go somewhere else.

Let's find an Intellilink panel
somewhere.

Okay, let's see,
"lights," "mood,"

"start counseling timer."

Okay, there we go.

Okay, we got it.

Okay, now, Kyle,
you have some concerns

about your little brother?

- He's just changing a lot.

He walks around angry,
telling me I'm stupid,

and all he talks about is sex.

Well, it sounds like
he's hitting puberty.

- Yeah, he just seems so young.

Well, your brother
is Canadian.

Perhaps Canadian puberty
is a little different.

Why don't you educate yourself
about Canadian puberty,

and it can be something you
and your brother

can actually do together, mkay?

You know, this is the first time
I've been able to do counseling

and go to the bathroom
at the same time.

Intellilink is amazing.

- Hello, young people.

And welcome to the most
fascinating time of your life.

You have braved
the trials of childhood,

and now you are reaching
Canadian puberty.

By now, you've probably noticed
some changes in your body.

For instance, when you fart,
your dick gets hard.

Other physical changes are
happening to your body as well.

If you're a boy, you may notice
that your testicles ache.

Or if you're a girl,
you may notice

a tingling sensation
in your strange.

This is stupid, bro.
I already know all this.

Let's just give it
a chance, Ike.

Going through
Canadian puberty,

you may notice that your voice
is starting to change as well.

You're saying things like,
"Hey, buddy," and, "Hey, guy,"

because now that you're older,
you're discovering

that someone who was once
your buddy is now your guy.

And someone who
you used to call "guy"

is quickly becoming
your friend.

But now let's discuss how a man
and woman make love.

First, a man and a woman
fall in love.

Then the man farts
on the woman's strange...

filling the woman's strange
with air

so that the woman can queef
in the man's face,

and a baby is born.

The entire process can take up
to six months-

It's what?

That's not how babies are born?

What's semen?

Then why did my wife queef
in my face?

She said it was to-

Then why would sh-

I'm going to get
to the bottom of this.

Make me look like an idiot,
will you?

Hey, you told me you
queefed in my face

because that's how
babies are born.

- I was being sarcastic.
- Being sarcastic?

I just told a million Canadian
teenagers that's how it's done.

I was angry because
you never listen to me

because I wanted you to go with
me to therapy and you never go.

Fine! You want to go
with you to therapy? Fine!

Totally embarrassing
and degrading.

She queefed right in my face.

Well, maybe you should spend
less time at work

making public-health films
and more time at home.

- What the fuck is going on?

- You're fucking stupid, Kyle.

J"J"

I don't know
what else to do, dude!

No matter what I try,
me and Ike

just seem to drift
further apart!

He doesn't ever want
to play with you anymore?

He doesn't even want me
near him!

- Oh, oh, oh
- That sucks, dude!

- What?
- I said, "That sucks, dude!"

- Oh, thanks.
- We're gonna have a party

- All ni-

- Okay, there we go.

That's got the speakers off.

Now, what was it
you trying to do, Kyle?

I was trying to make
an appointment

to see the principal
about getting excused on Friday

so I can take my brother
to see Yo Gabba Gabba! Live!

Mr. Mackey, can he just
go talk to the principal?

- No, this is gonna work.

I called Intellilink,

and they said they were sending
over an engineer.

Is this classroom 7?

- Yes.
- My name's Cody.

I'm your smartnician.

You're having
some Intelliproblems

with your astute links?

Yeah, a student's trying
to make an appointment

to see the principal, mkay?

Uh-huh, well,
here's the problem.

Your smart names
aren't Intelligrated.

- Oh, I see.
- If you want to have

those Intelligrated
with Easylink,

you might want to upgrade your
system to the silver package.

I needed the silver package?
Mkay, mkay.

Can we do that?

Let me call my supervisor
on the Intelliphone.

Hey, Ike.

Get out of my room, Kyle.
I'm playing trucks!

Ike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't
get us out of school Friday.

I can't take you
to Yo Gabba Gabba! Live!

- You promised.

I couldn't get in
to see the principal, Ike.

What am I supposed to do,
go see it myself?

I'm a little baby. Who's gonna
hold my fucking hand?

You don't give a shit
about how I feel.

- Ike, I do. I just-
- You love pushing me around.

Is that what you want to do,
Kyle, kick the baby?

I'm ready, bro.
Come on, Kyle, kick the baby.

Come on, bro,
kick the fucking baby.

Let's see you try it, wuss!

- Don't bite people

Don't ever bite people

Hey, Muno,
what should we do now?

- Let's play a cool, cool trick.

- All right!

Who out in the audience has
a cool, cool trick to show us?

What's your name, little boy?

- My name is Ryan.

And what is
your cool, cool trick, Ryan?

My cool, cool trick is
that I can jump in the air.

- Yay!
- Oh!

- All right, Ryan.

Let's see you jump in the air.

Way to go, Ryan! All right!

And what's your name,
little boy'?

- Ike Broflovski.

- Do you have a cool trick?

Yeah, for my cool, cool trick,
I'm gonna tame Foofa's strange.

- Tame a what?

I can tame
Foofa's strange, bro.

- Uh...all right.

Let's see our friend Ike
tame Foofa's strange!

- Ike, no, stop!

Oh, I see,
you're actually-

Wait! Oh, my God!
What are you doing?

No, no, no!
What are you doing to Foofa? No!

Now you listen here, little boy.

It is never okay to take off
your clothes

and grind on another person.

- No, that's wrong!
- Don't do it!

We're so sorry. Please forgive
my little brother.

He's going through puberty.

A little young for that,
isn't he?

- That's what I thought.
- This is stupid, bro.

Foofa shouldn't be limiting
herself to little kids.

She's fucking fine, dude.

What you did
was very traumatic for Foofa.

Isn't that right, Foofa?

Foofa?
- He's right, Plex.

We're getting older.

I don't want to do
the little-kid thing

the rest of my life.

- Foofa, what you talking about?

It's time for us to start
playing to older people.

Maybe we need to be edgier,
have a little sex appeal.

- Foofa, no!
- I'm an artist.

And if all I ever do is play
to kids, then I'll be a joke.

I have to move on.

Oh, God, what has this
little boy done?

I try not to think
about it, Rick.

I try to just forget about it
and then move on, but I can't.

I mean, she queefed
right in my face.

Have you and your wife seen
a therapist together?

Yes, we went, but I just can't
erase the memory

of my helpless face
being queefed on like that.

Who's to say
she won't do it again?

Don't you think this has
something to do

with your new job?

- What do you mean?
- There's more to this, Terry.

A lady never queefs
in her lord's face

without some major cause.

You started as
the Canadian Minister of Health,

and three months later,
your wife queefed in your face.

There's a connection.

I took the job to try
and make

Canada's
health care system better.

What could that have to do
with your wife?

Terry, I'm your friend,
and I'm not just your friend.

I'm also your buddy.
- Thanks, guy.

And I'm telling you there's
more to this than you think,

and if you want to save
your marriage and your face,

you need to figure it out quick.

Mr. Mackey, so far,
the school has spent

$22,000
on the Intellilink system,

and so far, it's been
an unmitigated disaster.

Yeah, but, see,
the problem is

not everyone
is signed on to it yet.

They can't sign on to it,
because every time they try,

they make the sprinklers go off.

I know that Intellilink
has had some hiccups, okay?

But I've hired
a new faculty member

whose sole responsibility

will be to oversee
the Intellilink system

and make sure it runs smoothly.

I want you all to meet
Pat Conners.

- Hello, everyone.
- Don't hello us, Pat!

This system that you're
responsible for now

isn't working out.

So what the hell
are you gonna do about it?

Oh, well, I'm just sort of
getting acclimated

to the situation, and-
- Getting acclimated?

Do you know how much money
we wasted on this thing?

How about you take
some damn responsibility?

Get the hell out of here, Pat!
You're fired! Get out!

Well, how the hell are we gonna
clean up Pat's mess?

I guess-I don't know.
I guess we got no choice, mkay?

We're just gonna need to upgrade
to the Intellilink gold package.

- Oh, no.
- It's a $10,000 upgrade,

but it should clean up
all of Pat's mistakes.

Mr. Mackey, let's be clear.
Intellilink was your idea.

You should just admit
it was a bad one

and stop being so defensive.

Well, it's good to be
a little defensive

around you, Miles, mkay?

Let's not forget your wife
died of an "accident"

while you were "drinking"
on a "hike."

"Mkay"?

- Hey, now listen here-
- No, now you listen to me!

Intellilink is a great idea,

and we just need
the Goddamn gold package!

We are doubling down!

You're watching
E! Entertainment News.

God knows why.

She's all grown up,
and she wants you to know it.

From kid-show star
to sex symbol,

Yo Gabba Gabba's! Foofa
is ready to rock.

She's been seen out partying,
photographed smoking pot,

and now Foofa has announced
a raunchy performance

on the MTV Video Music Awards.

Foofa's new manager claims
the MTV performance

will be one
for the record books.

Foofa's got
that nice shaved strange

that you just want to get in
and tame the second you see it.

The Video Awards
are at 8:00 p.m. tomorrow.

- Oh, this is so exciting.

- Told you it'd go over well.

Excuse me,
but Ike has homework

he's supposed to be doing.

Shut up, Kyle!
Just ignore my little brother.

I'm your big brother, Ike!

- Answer the door, twerp!

- Can I talk to you?

- I'm sorry, but right now-

- Foofa!

- There she is!
- Hey!

- Foofa, what is this

about you going
on the MTV Video Awards?

- I'm done being a kiddie star.

Foofa, you don't have to show
your strange

to get attention.

You just don't get it
'cause you're a robot, Plex.

All right,
you won't listen to us,

but maybe you'll listen
to our special guest,

Sinead O'Connor!

- Yay.
- Rah rah!

Don't do it, Foofa.

Don't sell out your strange
to those corporate bastards.

Ah, screw off,
Sinead O'Connor.

No one gives a crap about you.

Don't show your strange
on TV

- Don't show your strange

Your strange
is for your husband

Not for all the world to see

Don't show your strange
on TV

I'm looking
for a boyfriend

Looking for a boyfriend

Will you get
out of my living room, please?

Hello.

Have you ever had someone
you love queef in your face?

- What?
- I'm sorry.

I'm calling everyone in
the Canadian health care system

to find out if they're pleased
with their health care.

Is this Ike Broflovski?
- No, this is his brother.

Your brother receives
his medication from us,

and we just want to be sure
he's satisfied with the service.

Satisfied with-
Wait a minute. What medication?

- Before this meeting continues,

I should have you be aware
that my face has tested positive

for queefy sauce.

I'm sorry,
but I don't really care.

I just want to know
what medication

my little brother has been
getting from you and why.

People all over the world get
their medication from Canada.

Yeah, but something is wrong
with my brother,

and it might be your fault.

- That's impossible.

The Canadian health care
system is completely integrated

and streamlined
with Intellilink.

You use Intellilink'?
Oh, my God!

Will you check
his records, please?

- Sure, no problem.

Now, what is your brother's
Canadian Medicare smart name?

- I don't know.

Try Strange Tamer.

Strange...Tamer.

Ah, yep, there it is.

Ah, yes, here we go.

I see your little brother
has a constipation problem

and has been taking
a daily laxative since last May.

Ah, yes, I'm afraid Intellilink
mixed that up,

and your brother
has been receiving

large doses of hormones
that were supposed to go

to an athlete in the Northeast.

Are you saying that Ike
has been given regular doses

of hormones because
of an Intellilink screwup?

- Yes, that's right.
- That system

is totally screwed up and does
nothing but wreak havoc!

It's fine! It works fine!
Just give it some time!

God, you sound like my wife.

My-my wife.

That must be it.
Don't you see, Terry?

That health care
integration system

has made you defensive
and hostile,

and your wife's been
putting up with it.

And that's why she queefed
in my face.

Excuse me!
If my little brother

has been getting
some athlete's hormones,

then who has been getting
Ike's medication?

Tom Brady
looking sluggish again today.

Not sure what his problem
has been lately.

Yeah, definitely not looking
as strong and virile

as he has in the past.

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut hut...

Aah! Hike!

- Brady steps back to pass.

He's got an open man
at the 40-yard line.

And whatever is wrong
with Tom Brady

just seems to be getting worse.

Go, Broncos.

Oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh

Caught up in the action,
I've been looking out for you

Oh-

- Okay, there we go.

Your students can buy
school lunches now,

but they won't be able
to get grades.

No! They have to be able
to get grades.

Well, what you
probably want to do

is upgrade
to Intellilink platinum.

No!
There's no more upgrading, mkay?

I just want this to work.

What exactly
do you mean by "work"?

I just want students to be
able to make appointments

to see the counselor,

be able to see the school nurse

in the easiest,
most streamlined fashion!

Oh, you want
the centurion package.

That's where we take all
the Intellilink panels

and we rip them off the walls
and we burn them.

Then we wipe all the computers
of Intellilink software,

and you never deal
with us again.

All right, upgrade me
to the centurion package

- Right away.

All right, sir,
here's a clipboard you can use

for students to sign up
for counseling,

and I want to thank you
for choosing Intellilink.

The MTV Video Music Awards
will be back

with a performance
from Yo Gabba Gabba's! Foofa,

singing Pound My Sweet Strange.

- Two minutes, Foofa.

Thanks.
Oh, my, here we go.

- Ike, wait!

- Get out of here, dude!

Ike, there's been a mistake.
You don't understand.

No, you
don't understand, wuss.

Why can't you
just let me grow up?

Why do you keep harassing me?

Because you're my little
brother, God damn it,

and even when I'm 50
and you're 45,

you're still gonna be
my little brother.

All right, y'all, here comes
our next big act.

Ike, I don't care
if you want to grow up.

I just want to be
by your side while you do it.

Give it up
for the sexiest bitch on Earth.

It's Foofa!

Come on, Ike.
Ike?

- He's right, Foof.

Part of growing up
is rebelling,

but I'm gonna get older
whether I like it or not.

So why push it?

I think I'm just gonna let it
happen naturally.

- Yay!
- Yay!

- Foofa?

- Come on, come on

Pound my strange

Pound it like this,
pound it like that

- It was a mistake.

- What?

Trying to reform
Canada's health care system

and being too stubborn to admit
that it wasn't working.

Even when my wife said
the system was too complicated,

I wouldn't listen.

Oh, Terry, I was just trying
to get your attention.

I'm sorry I queefed
in your face.

- I deserved it.

Anyone who thinks streamlining
health care

into an integrated computer
system would go smoothly

deserves a giant queef
in their face.

Thank you, my lady.

So Intellilink is gone,
my lord?

Yes, I've upgraded
to the gold package.

Within no time,
Canadians everywhere

will be getting
their correct medications

and going back to normal.

Kyle!

It's Dora the Explorer!

Come on,
let's climb the mountain.

- It sure is!

You want me
to watch it with you, Ike?

- Yay!

We made it
all the way to the top.

Oh, man,
I wouldn't mind hitting that.

I bet she's got that hot
Puerto Rican strange.

- Yeah, I bet she does.

- Yay!