South Park (1997–…): Season 16, Episode 8 - Sarcastaball - full transcript

I'm going down to South Park,

gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere,

humble folks without temptation.

Going down to South Park
gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night,

people shouting howdy neighbor!

Headin' up to South Park
gonna see if I can't unwind.

So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends o' mine!

Martonius Jackson catches the ball!

He's running down the
sideline and-- ooohhh!!!



Did you see that hit?

Jackson stopped at the forty
five and he is slow to get up.

That was a great hit, boys.

Remember that at practice tomorrow.

Yeah, Jackson took a real shot and

I'm not sure what he's doing now,

but it appears as though he's
looking for his keys, Dan.

Yeah, and that doesn't make a lot

of sense because ever since
his concussion in 06,

he doesn't even he have a license.

Coach Martin is coming
over to tell him that now,

but Jackson appears to
think he's in his car,

driving home.

Well, during this time out we're



happy to be joined by the
commissioner of the NFL,

Roger Goodell.

Commissioner,

a lot of hoopla about concussions
this year in the NFL,

how is the league handling all that?

Well, there certainly are interesting
statistics coming out, Dan.

And we are deeply concerned
and waiting to see if

there's really any direct correlation

between football and head trauma.

Oh and it looks like some

of the NFL alumni are taking the field now.

There's all pro safety Martin Gregors.

And fullback Jim Harris,

looks like his pants are
down around his ankles.

Somebody should let him know,

Yeah, not sure if that's meant
to be a cake or perhaps a,

a loaf of bread but he definitely
thinks he's baking something.

Boy, I just don't get football.

Guess that's why I suck at it.

You don't suck at football, Butters,

you suck at all sports.

That's true!

Ol Eric tells me I should work

at a Thai massage parlor
I'm so good at sucking!

That's right, Butters.

And with that,

the Browns are ready to kick
it off back to the Broncos.

All right, all right here you go boys.

Watch them on the kickoff. All right?

Special teams are the most important plays.

We don't do kickoffs any more.

The school said they're the most

dangerous plays so they don't
have us do them any more.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Whoa..

What the fuck!

Okay, before we get started with this

PTA meeting does anyone have
any outstanding issues?

Yeah, I'd like to talk about this genius

new rule in the football
program about no kickoffs.

Uh yes,

we've decided to go without kickoffs

because of the concerns
raised over concussions,

- mkay.
- Oh yeah,

we don't kids getting
hurt playing football.

But I think I have a way
to make it even better.

Why don't we have the
players just wear bras?

Bras?

Yeah. The players should
all wear bras and instead

of helmets they should wear little
tin foil hats because you know,

it's "the future"

and we shouldn't be so barbaric!

How would the bras and
tinfoil hats make it safer?

Oh you're all not getting it!

See, while we're at it,

we'll have a balloon instead of a ball.

And whoever catches the balloon

tries to run while all
the other players hug.

You think the students would like that?

Oh they'd love it!

A sport where safety is all that matters.

How about we call it -- sarcastaball!

Mkay.

Would you mind being the

coach of the South Park sarcastaball team?

Jesus Christ.

Yes, I would love to be the
coach of the sarcastaball team.

Dad, do we really have to wear bras?

Yeah, Stan, this is what people want.

Don't worry,

you look really cool.

I got the balloon Coach Marsh
what should I do with it?!

Oh you know,

try to get it into the endzone
but be really polite about it.

Okay!

Excuse me. Pardon me.

You guys look terrific.

Wow, this game is great!!!!

How's it going, Coach?

How's it going?

Awesome!

Nobody's getting hurt and the
kids are learning valuable

life lessons cuz hugging and safety
is what the world is all about!

So you're happy with these changes?

Happy?

I'm thrilled!

Look at how much better this is!

Okay.

Is football safe for your kids?

Concerned parent, Randy Marsh,

says no and has started a
movement to reform the sport,

gathering followers by the hundreds.

Oh this is good.

Nice for you all to turn out

in record numbers to show your
support for sarcastaball.

Yeah, yeah,

we're through with our kids

getting knocked on da
gwooound and tackwled.

Let's make sarcastaball the
official school sport nation wide!

Go on! Pat yourselves on the back!

Showing just how much one
concerned parent can do,

Marsh then found himself in front
of the leaders of Washington.

Yeah, yeah, let's do that.

We got an economy in the toilet,

a big election coming up,

but this country's number one priority
should be making football safer.

This is ridiculous!

Are we really going to go out there
and play North Park like this?

I can't even remember if we're

supposed to hug the
fullback or compliment him.

I'm so confused.

This game is stupid.

I have no idea how to go out on

a field and be as nice as
I can to the other team!

Yeah, you know what,

screw this!

Hey, whoa!

I can't believe what I'm hearing!

We been practicing and getting

ready for this game and you
fellas just wanna quit?

We don't even understand
how this game is played.

This great game isn't about plays,

it's about sportsmanship and compassion.

And when I look around this locker room,

I see some of the nicest,

most compassionate guys I've ever met.

Token,

you're nicer than anybody I know.

And Clyde,

you give better hugs than
anyone out on that field!

That's true.

Are we just gonna let North Park walk away

with a victory because we think
they know how to be nicer than us?

Being nice is about what's inside you!

When your enemy is nice to you
you just be nice right back!

If they give you two balloons
well you give 'em three!

Yeah. Yeah!

And when they try and thank you
for those balloons you say

'I don't need any thanks I did it
cuz it was the right thing to do'

and then you give 'em a smile!

And when that other team
tries to come at you,

that's when you gotta reach deep down,

right down to your creamy
center - that place,

that place, inside you
where all the gooey happy

loving goo sits and you gotta
use that to be the nicest,

most compassionate player you've ever been

and let the world know that we
will not go down so easy!!!!!

Let's do this.

Stan, hook up my bra.

As Commissioner of the NFL
I am so thrilled to see

our nations youth embrace sarcastaball
over traditional football.

Oh but why stop there?

Since football is so barbaric
we should change too!

So let's give a big welcome

to the new Coach of the Denver Broncos,

Randy Marsh!

Congratulations, Marsh.

Good job.

Oh thank you Commissioner,

I'm thrilled to be a part of this.

Thanks.

Nice going.

Yeah, no, no,

you nice going.

Hey, guys,

how about a nice fucking picture to
welcome in the future of sports.

Welcome to the inaugural game of
the National Sarcastaball League!

As we bring you today's match up

between the Denver Broncos
and the Oakland Raiders.

Yeah, lookin good guys
let's kick some butt.

Give 'em hell Coach!

Loving, not shoving!

Oh, yeah, good one!

And now here are your
Denver whoop dee fucking do girls!

Go Broncos go.

Whoop dee fucking do.

And now here to sing the sarcastaball
anthem recording artist,

Celo.

I love sarcastaball!

It's soooo much better than fooootball.

I'm soooo glad they got rid
of vi-o-lence in sports,

cuz sarcastaball is so super fun to watch.

Nice job, Celo,

good to see you on TV some more.

Yeah, I'm a big fan of all your hit songs!

Dude, what do you mean
we don't have a coach?!

Look, I'm sorry guys,

my dad said he's too busy with the Broncos,

he doesn't have time for us.

But our big game with Lakewood is Saturday!

I'm sorry!

My dad is taking professional
sarcastaball really seriously.

Well, we might as well call up
Lakewood and tell 'em we forfeit.

We can't!

We don't have a coach, Kyle!

Who needs a coach?

We have Butters.

Hey, yeah.

The guys are right.

From now on you're team Captain, Butters.

You lead us to victory.

Oh jeez, no, I don't know fellas.

Butters, you understand this
game better than anybody.

Yeah, but I-- but I can't be team Captain,

I suck at everything.

Not at this you don't.

What about that creamy
filling you talked about?

That gooey goodness inside you

that makes you the
butteriest Butters we know.

It's in there.

It's overflowing sometimes.

We need you, Butters.

You're the man.

But-ters! But-ters! But-ters!

But-ters Butters!!

I love you,

Butters!

Love you too, ladies.

Oh, Butters!

You now how I feel about the
Captain of sports teams!

Leave him alone, Wendy,

he's mine!

Wowoo -- what- what- oh.

Daaad!

It happened again!

More of my creamy goo came out.

Oh. Well, that's okay, Butters.

Remember what we talked about,

sometimes our happy creamy

feeling just gets so full
it comes out at night.

I was having happy dreams
about a girl and-!

All right, Butters,

it's happy feelings.

Let's just not talk about it.

Okay, Dad!

Save that for later!

The score is zero to zero

as the Steelers kick off to the Broncos.

Go Broncos go.

Manning has the ball.

He's saying some really great
things about the other team.

Manning met by Lamar Woodley- he's
giving the balloon to Woodley!

The referee comes in...

Oh, the referee is calling
that a touchdown!

Oh wait,

now another official is
signaling that's a safety.

Oh, yeah, nice going replacement refs!

They're gonna have to sort this
one out with the side judge.

Fuck it.
It's a fucking field goal.

Yeah!!!!

Yeahh!!!! Wooo!!!!

Coach three to nothing
victory over the Steelers.

You must feel like a real winner.

Yeah, well, the other team was just

so awesome on offense I was really scared.

Coach Belichick says no way
we can beat the Broncos.

They've had the same
coach for almost a day.

Oh, yeah, I'm just the guy
who invented sarcastaball.

There's no way I know how to coach it.

Guess we'll find out on Sunday.

Yeah.

All right, guys listen up- forget about

the day off we need to practice tomorrow!

Practice on Monday after a victory?

Great.

That's good Peyton,

but we need to get better.

Practice on Monday?!

That's just what I wanna do.

That's it!

Hey, Butters, you got a minute?

Sure, Eric!

I don't know what to do.

Kids are starting to make

fun of me because I'm no
good at sarcastaball.

I suck at being nice and polite.

I'm so good at sucking I should
work at a Thai massage parlor.

Oh no, Eric,

you're, you're a great player.

No, I just don't have the
mojo you have, Butters.

Oh, well, Eric, I told you,

everyone has a creamy filling inside

them where all the feelings of
compassion and joy come from.

Didn't your dad ever tell you that?

I don't have a dad.

Oh right, I'm sorry.

Well, everyone has a creamy filling, Eric.

And some people have so much

of that feeling that it
comes out sometimes.

A lot of times,

when I go to sleep and especially

if I'm having wonderful dreams
that make me feel really good.

Sometimes I wake up.

And when I wake up,

I realize some of my goo has come out.

Oh, jeez, there's a lot this time!

But I always make sure I keep it,

just in case I ever run out of
all my happy sunshine feelings.

You save it all?

My goo doesn't come out every night,

but I sure do seem to have a surplus of it.

Butters,

do you think your goo might
work on someone else?

I don't know.

I never really thought of it that way.

It's kind of a grape-y, bleach-y flavor.

Do you feel warm and compassionate?

Holy shit, I think I do.

Welcome back to Rome,

we're gonna talk some sarcastaball.

I can't wait.

I can't wait to talk sarcastaball
because it's really compelling.

Joining me now is the coach

of the Denver Broncos and the
inventor of sarcastaball,

Randy Marsh.

Thanks for callin in, Randy.

Really happy to have you on the show.

Yeah, it's awesome to be on your show.

Randy, first off,

thanks for taking a sport that we all love,

and turning it into a sarcastic nightmare.

Way to go.

Thanks, Jim.

Cuz it's totally what I intended.

You know, when I came up with

the idea I was sure it was
gonna end up like this.

Well, it certainly makes
for an exciting game.

How about last night's nail
biter that ended 0 to 0.

That's a game I wanna watch twice.

That's a game I wanna watch four times.

Check that.

I'll watch that game five times.

Good luck on Sunday.

I'm sure that'll be another game
that I could watch twelve times.

Check that,

thirteen times.

Thanks, Jim.

Randy, aren't you going to come
join your family for dinner?

Oh, yeah, I've totally got
time to do that, Sharon.

In fact, how about I go downstairs

and make a four course meal for all of you.

Check that.

A seven-course meal.

Randy,
something's happened.

Are you unable to stop being sarcastic?

Oh, right, I can't stop
being sarcastic now.

I'm telling you, Randy,

I think this sport is doing
something to your brain.

Right, it's doing something to my brain

and now I can't stop being sarcastic.

Do you mean that?

Yes! I totally mean it!

Help me, Sharon.

Helllp me.

All right, first string
cover those wideouts.

Tell 'em how much you like their outfits!

Clyde! Token!

Hug those two players and give
their quarterback a kiss!

Cartman, you idiot!

Stay positive, Stan!

All right, guys cuddle up!

Cuddle up!

Now, what is going on out there?!

That kid is provoking us!

He's saying mean things
to try to piss us off.

Yeah. We need more of your mojo, Butters.

Oh all right,

all right here ya go.

I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh,

but there appears to be permanent damage.

Oh boy,

this is great.

My week just keeps getting better.

How do we fix this, doctor?

You don't.

I'm sorry.

There just isn't enough

research in how sarcasm effects the brain.

So that's it.

I should just go home and

forget about what this
sport has done to me.

Let thousands of people play
sarcastaball and get hurt too.

Oh, really,

you think there's a correlation
between sarcasm and sarcastaball?

Really?

That's fascinating.

Please go on.

No, sarcastaball has nothing to do with it,

I just -- I just really enjoy

being sarcastic and so I
must be finding an excuse.

You know,

I have a fifty year old Alzheimer's patient

out in the waiting room who
can't even remember his family,

but let's forget about him and focus

on how sarcastaball might be
damaging people's brains.

My son is out there playing that game.

It's heart warming to see

you have such high regard for his safety!

Okay. Well, I've got a better idea,

let's get all the funding

for cancer research and genetic diseases,

let's take all that money

and make commercials that say 'hey America,

sarcasm might not be such a
great thing for your brain.

Thank you, Doctor.

Thank you so much!

Jim Rome here.

Hey, I love sarcastaball just
as much as the next guy.

But sometimes it's so thrilling

I need an extra burst of energy
to get me through a game.

That's when I reach for a bottle of this.

Butters Creamy Goo.

You play hard.

You need a sports drink that
gives you that extra boost.

Sports these days are all about being nice.

So take your game to the next
level with Butters Creamy Goo.

You'll be filled with feelings

of good tidings and be nicer
than a ray of sunshine.

Like me!

Get with it,

and get the goo.

Butters Creamy Goo is chock-full of all
the essentials an athlete needs.

Cumitment!

Cumpassion!

And cumrodery!

And now it's available in quart size.

When I get hot and tired only one
thing can boost my compassion.

Now I'm back in the game!

Go and chug a bottle of Butters Creamy Goo.

Best served just above room temperature.

42!

Red 13!

Sunshine and happy thoughts!

Sunshine and happy thoughts.

Oh no! That kid's gonna intercept it!

Good job, kid!

Staaan?!

Staaaan!

Dad?

Get in the car, Stan.

We're going home.

What?

We're sorry, Stanley,

we don't want you playing
this sport any more.

Hey, get off the field,

mkay!

Everyone, everyone listen.

There's something you need
to know about sarcastaball.

It turns out it's totally safe.

Yeah, it's super safe.

It's like so safe that we
should have every kid play it.

Sorry, sorry hang on.

Gotta not be so sarcastic.

Let me try that again.

Listen everyone,

if you let your kids play sarcastaball,

you're a fucking genius.

Cut, sorry.

Try this again.

Look, what I'm trying to say is,

we should have like ten sarcastaball

leagues because then
everyone -- God dammit!

Stanley,

just get your things and come on.

We're going home.

You can't tell me what to do!

Yeah, we're your parents,

we can't tell you what to do.

Don't you see what this sport
has done to your father?

Do you want to end up like him?!

Oh, right, like he doesn't
exaggerate every disease he gets.

Oh, Randy! It's happening!

Mr. Marsh, listen,

I know you care about your son,

but he's a heck of a player.

He's good at tickling,

laughing, and gettin' along.

Look the point has been made ok?

I'm warning you being this
sarcastic is dangerous.

We're not being sarcastic, Dad!

Is it so hard to believe that

we really enjoy a sport
that has no violence?

Is it so hard for you to believe that

when Butters says competitiveness
can be compassionate,

he's being completely sincere?

I don't see how anyone could play
this game with any sincerity.

That's because you're too grumpy
and negative to believe it.

What you need,

is a sports drink that can

boost your levels of caring and goodness.

Yeah, Dad,

you need some of this.

This is cum.

And you can just sit here

in your room and think
about what you've done!

Just because people try and make

football a little safer by
changing a kick off rule,

doesn't mean you need take it to

'oh why don't we just drink each other's "cum".

Sarcasm like that is homophobic,

chauvinistic and completely
lacking in maturity!

Any questions?!

What's sarcasm and what's cum?

We'll talk about that when you're older.

Come on, everybody,

let's work on that kick off change
and get back to some football.

Welcome back to Rome.

Some of you might of seen
me on TV last night.

Turns out the drink I endorsed was semen.

Turns out a little kid was
just being sarcastic.

That kid's probably grounded for a month.

Check that I'm sure he's
grounded for two months.

And a week.

Football needs to be made safer

so why don't we have players
in bras drinking semen.

Yeah, that's a fast ball right there.

That's a real stroke of philosophic genius.

War little kids drinking semen to
finally bring back real football

and I don't know what else to
say but so long sarcastaball,

it was nice knowing you.

Let's just hope nothing like
this ever happens again.

Probably won't.

Not for another year.

Check that,

a couple days.

Daaaaaaaaddd!!!!

Hey Dad!

What?

My wiener's all stiff and pointy.

Oh, well, Butters.

That's just a friendly compass.

See, whenever you have friends
in the area

your little compass there
tells you where they are.

It's pointing up

because Jesus is your friend.

Thanks Dad.