South Park (1997–…): Season 16, Episode 3 - Faith Hilling - full transcript

The boys take part in a new, dangerous photographic meme.

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People will say

you should only practice it
this way or that way.

I believe in capitalism too.
I believe in capitalism for anybody.

What he said,
which I find mildly amazing,

was he thought I would have
a hard time debating Barack Obama.

We faced something

much, much greater
after World War II.

We had ten million
came home all at once.

What did we do?
Some of liberals back then said,

- "We need more work programs..."
- Tango, Tango in position.



Copy, Tango.
Clear vantage point?

- We won't get any closer.
- Butters, bring it in.

Equipment's flying in, ten seconds.

Copy that.
Ten seconds, Cartman.

I can hear.
Just tell me when to go.

- We might have a problem.
- What's that?

We got word somebody might try
to Faith Hill this event.

Lock down the whole perimeter.
Nobody's Faith Hilling on my watch.

They're onto us.
Let's do this.

I got it.

- Somebody's under the stage.
- Go, Cartman.

We got it!

That was sweet, you guys!

First, there was planking.



People taking pictures of themselves
in a planked position

and putting the photos
on the Internet.

Planking was soon replaced by owling.

And after the Super Bowl,
by Bradying.

But the newest meme
involves pulling the shirt out

to look like boobs.

It's called "Faith Hilling."

All around the world,
people are doing it.

Kids, adults,

even notable celebrities
are getting into the act.

But as Faith Hilling
becomes more and more popular,

the question on everyone's mind:

who will be the first
to die doing it?

I've been sent here,

because you children
are playing with fire!

Faith Hilling is nothing more
than an evolution of Bradying.

You all think what you're doing
is new, hip and cool,

but the truth is
memeing has been around a long time.

We're gonna watch a film strip
that's a little dated,

but I think it gets the point across.

taking pictures in silly poses
has become a dangerous pastime.

The latest meme
has also become the most deadly.

It's called "Tebowing."

This is Ryan and Barkley.

They're about to learn
how dangerous Tebowing can be.

Here's a good place.
I'll do it right here.

I don't know, Ryan.
You sure this is a good idea?

Stop being a scaredy cat.

It will just take a second.
How could I get hurt?

Hold still.

What's that?

A train!

Learn from me.

This sure is a nice car, Tommy.

Would you like to get
a picture of me Tebowing in it?

Sure.

What?

It's coming!

God, no!

- Tommy, did you get the picture?
- No, wait!

- Hold on.
- Hurry!

Be careful up there, Pete.

Just go on and take the picture.

These youths paid
with their lives for Tebowing.

When they posed for pictures,
they should have remembered

there are only three approved memes.

Peace signs, bunny ears, fake wiener.

Maybe you think
this doesn't apply to you.

Maybe you think your memes are safe.

Or maybe you're all watching this
sometime in the future,

and Tebowing has been replaced
by some other meme.

If you are watching this
in the future,

get off your flying
cell phone scooters and think.

Remember.

Use the approved poses
if you wanna be a memer

Peace sign, bunny ears,

fake wiener

That was boring.

What do you guys wanna do now?

There's that nice French caf?.
Let's get Faith Hilling pictures there.

That's a good idea.

You guys still plan on Faith Hilling
after what we just saw?

Faith Hilling defines our generation.

Count me out.

You're giving up just like that?
How could you?

I'm scared.

Did you see today's newspaper?

Why would we look
at a newspaper, retard?

- You made the front page.
- Really?

We are on the front page!

The Denver Post, please.

What's it say?

It says...

It says Faith Hilling is
now all like 2000 late.

Let me see.

How can that be?
Already?

"Public reaction was that the stunt
pulled off by five school students

"wasn't not only dangerous
and disruptive,

"but also completely pass?."

How can we be pass??
We're only in fourth grade.

"Faith Hilling is pretty stale,
said Republican Newt Gingrich.

"If they had crashed the debate
by Taylor Swifting,

"that would have been impressive."

Taylor Swifting?
What the fuck is that?

That's all it is?

You pull down your pants
and wipe your butt on the ground like.

But that's stupid.

How can that replace Faith Hilling?
It doesn't even make any sense!

I can't believe people take the time
to do this garbage.

This has to be stopped.

Hold it there.

That's good, don't move.

How is this?

- That's great.
- These will be good uploads.

What are you doing?

Faith Hilling.
Get the fuck out of here.

Faith Hilling is so February 2012.

Saying something is so 2000
and anything is so 2009, asswipe.

It's not worth it.

We can do our Taylor Swifting
somewhere else.

- Knock it off!
- Why don't you make me?

Yesterday afternoon,
four kids went to the hospital

for injuries resulting
from memeing in front of a local caf?.

Faith Hilling, Taylor Swifting,
these things will get you killed!

That's a loaded .38.

How many of you think
it's a smart idea

to put a loaded .38
on a 9-year-old's desk?

If safely doesn't matter to you,
pick the gun up.

- That's OK...
- Pick the gun up!

You might as well.

Swifting and Hilling
is like playing with a loaded gun!

Do you all understand my point?

Yes, sir.

Good.
Now put the gun in your mouth.

You're following
plankers and Tebowers,

so put a loaded gun in your mouth!

Do it!

Everybody take a good look.

This is what you're doing every time
you play with Internet memes.

You are playing roulette
with your fucking lives!

Professor Lamont, we need to talk.

I'll be right back.

You're an expert on memes.

What is this about?

We need your expertise.

Have you ever heard
of another species,

memeing on the Internet?

What are you talking about?

We were hoping
you could help us understand this.

Cats have started to put pictures
of themselves on the Internet,

with bread around their heads.

"Cat breading," it's called.

It's just such an odd thing to do.
We thought you could explain it to us.

They're evolving.

Cats are evolving.

Sorry?

There are two ways a species evolves,

physically from genes
and culturally from memes.

Just like genes,
memes replicate, mutate and adapt.

We're having trouble following you.

Look.

In the '70s, there was Fonzing,
which replaced mustaching.

In the '60s, cultural ideas
were passed on by poodle fisting.

But even that evolved
from people ass wedging in the '40s.

Even before photographs,
humans memed for portraits,

all the way back to the Egyptians,

who had pictures
painted of themselves donkey dicking.

Cats are showing signs of evolution
with their cat breading meme?

If cats are putting slices of bread
on their heads and taking pictures,

they're proving to be almost
as intelligent as we are.

Mr. Kitty,
do you mind explaining this?

Why are you putting
pictures of yourself on the Internet?

That is a bad kitty.
Bad!

You're taking the idea of Faith Hilling
and making it stupid.

Bad kitty.

Bad Mr. Kitty!

Bad!

Bad kitty!
No more memeing.

Come on.

Bad Mr. Kitty!

I'm glad we took care of that.

What do you wanna do now?

Maybe doing some Faith Hilling
over that place they do AA meeting.

That's a cool idea.

Fuck this thing.

What's the matter?

I don't know.
Faith Hilling's kinda pointless.

What seems pointless?

It's running out of style.

Faith Hilling is not out of style.

We can't give in to this crap.

Don't give up on Faith Hilling.

Don't you give up on her.

Two Boulder children died today,

while Oh Long Johnsoning
in a batting cage.

Oh Long Johnsoning
is of course the latest Internet meme,

which involves putting oneself
in a risky situation

and seeing
how many times you can say

"Oh Long Johnson" on video
before getting out of the way.

You're ready?

I'm recording, go.

Oh Long Johnson.

Larry!

This latest Internet meme
is shocking.

But most shocking of all
is that the person who started it

isn't a person at all, but a cat,

who seems to have no regard
for people's safety.

The cat is now under arrest

and awaiting trial
for its part in the teenager's death.

Oh Long Johnson.

That's good.
Now, go back the other way.

Dude, what's going on?

Hey, guys.
How's it going?

You had to meet us at Cartman's.

What are you doing here
Taylor Swifting?

He's not Taylor Swifting,
that's old stuff.

Now you do it and see how many times
you can say "Oh Long Johnson."

I thought I'd just try it out.

Remember that one-testicled pollack
in the Revolutionary War?

- What was his name?
- Benedict Arnold.

You need to realize
that Faith Hilling is over.

Pretend all you want,
but it's not coming back.

I'm sorry.

Faith Hilling is just
not that great, you know.

If you wanna keep Faith Hilling,
they still do it at the old folks home.

You'll like this.
Pull down your pants.

- You guys are sellouts.
- Come on.

- You freaking sellouts!
- It's OK, come on.

What the hell
do you think you're doing?

Do you have any idea
that you're playing with fire?

Very funny.

People are dying out there.
Is that what you want?

Do you cats want a war?
Because that's what you're gonna get!

Long ago, there was Tebowing,

which evolved into Faith Hilling.

But the latest memeing craze,
Swift Johnsoning,

may now also have its rival.

A brand new meme,

where people video themselves
wearing trench coats

and talking
about the dangers of memeing.

They call it "reporting."

And safety officials say
it's a potentially fatal...

Oh Long Johnson.

That's cool!
Bring the left titty out some more.

Freeze there.

What are those boys doing?

I think they're Faith Hilling.

- It's a little before your time.
- How droll.

Get a couple facing the other way.

Good idea.

You kids Faith Hilling
in front of my clinic?

I got a couple of patients
that could use a good time machine.

Get it?

Go back to the '90s.

Faggots!

We got to face it.

I know.

I know, Kyle.

I really thought it was gonna last.

I guess the only thing
that doesn't change in life,

is that things change.

The sun hearts my eyes.

It wasn't like Faith Hilling
was that great.

- It was kind of stupid.
- It's good it became something else.

And we'll have a blast
doing the new stuff.

Household cats have evolved

into a species
as intelligent as humans.

Will this mean war
between our two life forms?

In an attempt to try and communicate
with the leader of cats,

experts have sent in
the ambassador of people.

Long Johnson.

Oh Long Johnson.

Oh Don Piano.

I'm not sure, but I think it said
war between our species is inevitable.

Evolution cannot be stopped
and the cats will rise.

It said we cannot coexist.

And then it said, "Oh Don Piano."

And then something about seeing
the streets of human cities

run red with the blood
of their children.

That's good, a little higher.

I'm gonna go left to right.

- Awesome.
- Whenever you're ready.

All right...

No, Kitty, keep quiet.

No, Kitty!
That's a bad kitty!

- What's this?
- You've been living under a rock?

This is the new meme,
cat breaded Taylor Swift reporting.

Go.

Taylor Swifting is dangerous.

Taylor Swifting is dangerous!

Cool.

- It's awesome.
- Super awesome.

We got it down.
We're ready for the big time.

Shut up, Kitty!

With the inevitable
species war looming,

our country's brightest leaders
have come together

to debate and reason
with the ambassador of cats.

It's called "putty whistling."

And everyone's wondering:

who will be the first person
to die from it?

I ran for president four years ago.
This is the position I described...

If you want to be an American...

To answer the question,

how big of a scale of change
do we want in Washington?

I started working
with Governor Reagan in 1974.

I have five sons, five daughters-in-law,
sixteen grandchildren...

It's not the most attractive thing
to go out and say

it took me ten or twelve years
to figure out I was wrong...

Foxtrot standing by
at position alpha.

Copy, Foxtrot.
Let's fly in the goods, Tango.

This is Tango.
I have the goods.

Standing by in three seconds.

Two, one... go, Cartman.

Let's do this.

Go.

Dude, hurry.

I won't do it.

I won't do it, you hear me!

I'm better than this.

To hell with you, Mr. Kitty.
You're a bad kitty!

Bad kitty!

It's time somebody stood up
and did the right thing.

Do it.

All right, football night

What do you do?

Get out your camera
and a boobie or two

Have you ever seen
Faith Hilling that good?

Come on, everybody
It's Faith Hilling time

Dancing, rapping, titties flapping
Where are you?

This is the only memeing I'll ever do

Oh Long Johnson.

... is a meme I will fight

'Cause I'm Faith Hilling
till the day I die

And so in the face of war,

a little boy reminds us all
what being human really means.

The message is unclear.

It doesn't matter as long as you give
the audience a song, celebrity bashing

and Republican hopefuls
dancing around with boobies.

It's called "pandering,"
and all over the country people are...

Oh Long Johnson...