South Park (1997–…): Season 16, Episode 2 - Cash for Gold - full transcript

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Dad, it was really great seeing you.

We'd love to stay for dinner,
but the food gives Sharon diarrhea.

What!

Just trying to leave
without being rude.

Hold on just a second.

I got a present for my grandson.

Come here, Billy.

You've grown up.

It's time for you to have
something expensive and flashy

to impress all the ladies.



Go ahead and open it.

Look at that, a bolo tie!

Isn't that beautiful?

That's 14-carat gold,

with turquoise and real diamonds.

How much did you spend on that?

$6,000.

$6,000?

It's worth $50,000.

The J&G Shopping Network said so.

You shouldn't spend
your retirement money

on frivolous things.

You should save it for when you die.
That's our money.

It's gorgeous.
Thank you.



Tomorrow's picture day at school.
Stan can wear it for his photos.

That's wonderful!
That will make me feel really good.

Who's Stan?

Nice bolo tie.

Bolo ties are really in, right now.
It's cool you have one.

It was a gift from my grandpa.
It cost a lot of money.

No, dude, it's badass.

It happens to be worth $6,000.

- That was six grand?
- Yeah, dude.

It's a recreation of the bolo tie
worn by King Henry V.

It's fucking gay as fuck.

I know.

I really wish my grandpa
would just give me the money.

Take it to one of those pawn places.

Every two blocks, you see a sign
saying "cash for gold and jewelry."

A lot of people are doing it.

It's worth so much
I feel bad accepting it.

So, I want the cash.

It's 14-carat gold,
diamond and turquoise...

I'll give you $15.

That cost my grandpa $6,000.

Those are real diamonds.

I can't make anything
on the diamonds.

I have to send it to a smelter,
have it all smelter down for the gold.

Could make a $10 profit.

Fifteen bucks?

He's trying to rook us.
Let's go elsewhere.

I'm not getting taken advantage of.

You may suck
our collective balls, sir.

Don't worry, there's gotta be
another Cash for Gold place here.

Here's one.

These are real diamonds, right?

You can test them.

$8.

This is the same bolo tie
worn by King Henry V!

$9.

Welcome to Taco Bell.

Would you like to try
our Doritos Locos Tacos?

How much you give me for this gold,
turquoise and diamond bolo?

14-carat gold.

$14 a gram on the open market,
got about...

four grams here.

It's not really worth my time.

I guess I can give you
a 6-Layer Burrito for it.

A 6-Layer Burrito?

You guys don't even make
a 6-Layer Burrito!

All right, a 7-Layer Burrito,
but that's as high as I'm going!

My grandpa paid $6,000
for something barely worth anything.

How does something like this happen?

OK, folks, we are...

halfway complete
with today's broadcast.

You wanna get in on these deals,
call now.

Next item is...

this is item number 45-78111.

Look at these stunning earrings.

These are genuine
faux sapphire earrings.

14-carat gold,
86-carat faux sapphire.

Faux is French.

It's got an X in it,
but you don't pronounce it.

How do you like that
for prestigious?

These earrings normally go
for $6 million.

We're selling these today for...

$320.

That's a steal.
The phones are lighting up.

I believe we have a sale.
Do we?

Let's get her on the line.
Who am I speaking with?

My name is Vivian.

Vivian, you got a heck of a deal.
What's your last name, sweetheart?

I can't remember.

Can you remember
your credit card number?

3715...

Hold on,
we'll get you on with a rep.

Thanks for shopping with us.

Congratulations on the 14-carat
faux sapphire earrings.

At that price,
you practically stole them from us.

Dude, that's terrible!

I told you,
I've been watching all day.

But how do they get away with that?

This is a new time, a new era of science
only the smartest can comprehend.

What?

For centuries, alchemists have tried
to come up with the formula

to make gold.

Whoever could do it
would of course become rich, and now,

the chemical equation
is right before our eyes.

That's the chemical equation
for gold?

Right.

Guys with Cash for Gold signs
get you people's unwanted jewelry,

added to a cable-based
shopping network

divided by demented old people

equals gold.

Kenny, tell Cartman to shut up.

Shut the fuck up, fucking asshole.

I'm an asshole for doing math?

Oh, my gosh!
Can you believe this?

Somebody's about to get
this $20,000 topaz and copper ring

for just 4,000 bucks.

We've got our buyer on the line.
You're buying this as a gift, sir?

No, I'm buying it as a gift,

for my grandson, Billy.

Grandpa?

How about that, folks?
That is Brazilian emerald.

Finest emerald available.

We're letting this go

for $1,495, EZ Pay.

We call it that
to save you time.

EZ is an a abbreviation
of easy.

$1,495 EZ Pay.

What?

I got word we're dropping

the Z from EZ Pay.

It's now just E Pay.

Instead of taking
all that time to say EZ Pay,

we're saving you
a second of time.

And those add up.
Go ahead and try it.

Say E Pay 5,000 times.

That's 5,000 seconds,
9 hours

we just saved you
on J&G Shopping Network.

Not wasting your time here.
You can't afford not to buy this one.

You don't have a lot of time left,
literally.

Pass this to your kids and grandkids.
Show them your life had meaning.

Grandpa?

Did you see that?

An emerald on 14-carat gold.

Don't you think
your sister would like that?

She doesn't like jewelry.

She will one day.
She will appreciate it.

She's just a baby after all.

She's not a baby.
She's 13.

Shelley's 13?

Right.

Right, boy.

Did I ever tell you I used
to have a border collie named Patches?

Yes, grandpa.

I loved that dog.

She always made me so happy.

When she died,

I didn't let myself get too sad
'cause I thought,

I thought I'd always have the memory
of her slobbering happy face.

I can't remember
what she looked like.

Don't worry,
I'm gonna take care of this.

Craig, what's going on?

Token, I bet your mom has old jewelry
she wouldn't notice missing.

Bebe, you have rhinestones.
How about walking cash?

I could probably...

- What the fuck?
- Sorry, my arm's hurt.

"My arm's hurt."
Pick the sign, this is a business!

How much will you give me for this?

Three bucks.

We got crappy jewelry.

Now, all we need are some old people.

We've just sold this bracelet
to Ms. Marsha Tubbs.

Marsha, thank you for your call.

You just got yourself
a heck of a deal on this one.

You there?

I'm lost.

I'm lost walking on the freeway.

All right,
you're lost walking on a freeway.

Enjoy the Tiger's Eye
Aquamarine Bracelet.

What should we do next?

Here's a good 'un.

Let me set stage for you here.

You're going
to that senior's cocktail party.

It's Bingo night.
You're looking for something to wear.

How about
a 13-carat panzotopanzanite ring?

We got a caller already
on this one.

You must be
a fan of panzotopanzanite.

You should kill yourself.

- What's that?
- I said you should kill yourself.

What you do is unjustifiable.

And you know it's unjustifiable.

And you don't care.

You're the definition of evil.

Kill yourself.

We're gonna sell this ring
for just $3,795.

How's that?

I read that shopping networks
make most of their money

on the day seniors
pick up social security checks.

Kill yourself.

You shouldn't say
things like that.

A host of a jewelry channel may do it.
You'd feel really bad.

- No, I wouldn't.
- Yes, you would.

No, I really want you
to kill yourself.

How about this.

If a jewelry network host
goes home tonight

and blows his brains out,
you might be liable.

That's a lawsuit worth...

$2.7 million.
How does that sound?

I don't care what happens to me.
I care about my grandfather.

You morally empty
corrupted maggot.

I'll bring the lawsuit down
to $2,939...

It doesn't matter
what price you put on anything.

Your only chance
to right the wrongs you've done

and repay all the elderly people
whose lives you've destroyed

is to kill yourself.

You think it's funny...

Telling someone to kill themselves.
That's not a joke.

I'm not joking.

Do it.

Next item.

Next item
we're gonna do is 55-2167755.

This is...
Look at this, you guys.

This is 200-carat Brazilian emerald
and plasticine ring.

I'll start the biding
for this ring at...

$8 billion.

$8 billion, opening bid.
We've got to sell this ring today.

I'll take it down a little.
We'll drop that price to...

$75.95.

At this price...
We got a call already, Butters?

Did we sell it?

$75.95, that's what the ring sold for.
Do we have the buyer on the line?

You bought this lovely 200-carat ring.
How do you feel, Mrs.?

This is Mrs. Applebee
on 24 Palmark Lane.

Can I ask you something?
Do you like fucking little boys?

I'm sorry?

Do you fuck kids all the time?
That's what you did with this deal.

You got an $8-billion ring
for $79.95.

You fucked me good.
Congratulations.

You saw me selling this ring
and thought, "I'd like to fuck him"?

I thought it'd be a lovely gift
for my granddaughter, Jessica.

She's captain of the debate team
at Jefferson high school.

Thanks, I got to go get the taste
of old-lady dick out of my mouth.

Goodbye.

That's good acting.
I should get an award.

Do you have any idea what it'd feel like
to start losing your memories?

You don't have someone in your life
suffering from Alzheimer's. I do!

If you've got a beef with the system,
you're talking to the wrong people.

All we do is smelter down what we get
from the Cash for Gold places.

There's a old Hindu saying,

"Whoever smelt it dealt it."

We aren't the ones who denied you
what your jewelry was really worth.

The Hindu saying is actually...

- What does that mean?
- "Whoever denied it supplied it."

You are the scums of the earth.

Old people are victimized
by shopping networks,

and you kickback
in your mansions making billions.

We aren't making that much.

- You're not?
- Yell at who melt the gold down.

The old Hindu saying is
"whoever smelt it dealt it."

It's "whoever denied it supplied it."

You got it all wrong.

The jewelry that those networks sell
don't even come from us.

It's all made in India,
where those Hindu rhymes come from.

What are you saying, Gustov?
Do you mean...

That's right.

Whoever made the rhyme
did the crime.

Suck my balls

Welcome.
Welcome to discount jewelry store.

I'm running a resale business,

but I can't get enough crappy jewelry,
so I'd like to buy some of yours.

You do so good business.
You so clever.

I get by.

I'm gonna need some necklaces,
bracelets and earrings.

What you like?

I guess I'll take that ring, there.

You make so good choice.

It's beautiful.
Look, it's beautiful.

And maybe I'll take that one
for $300.

That's best one.
You so clever.

You take advantage my low prices.

How about
that tanzanite bracelet for $995?

You got good eye.
You so clever.

I getting taken advantage.
You like fuck Asian lady?

- What you say?
- I know.

You walk by my store, and you say,

"There's nice Asian lady.
I think I go in and I fuck her."

You Asian-lady fucker you.

Wait a minute.
How much do you pay for this stuff?

I pay thousands.
And you come here and fuck me.

Quit the act.
I'm not fucking you.

- You fuck me.
- You fuck me!

Fuck you!

My balls

Suck 'em dry

Sorry.

I'm looking to cut out
the middle man.

I want to buy my jewelry
direct from you...

Motherfuckers!

You should be ashamed
of the Americans that you're exploiting.

How dare you take advantage
of those less fortunate?

You dirty double-crossing assholes!

You try to cut me out?

You guys stole my formula,
then try to fuck me.

Sorry.

Then try to fuck me
out of your business.

We're not fucking you,
they're fucking Stan's grandpa.

They're getting fucked
by Asians ladies.

Somebody is at the head of all this,
and somebody needs to pay.

All I want is a goddamn retribution
for my goddamn grandpa.

Not a diamond and gold necklace!

What's he doing?

Actually, this might kind of work.

So, we went to India,
which is pretty cool, I guess.

Never been there.

We learned that whoever smelt it,
denied it and rhymed it

actually dealt it.

- Sounds like you had a fun weekend.
- I guess so.

Anyway,
I wanted to give you something.

For me?

My God.

There she is.

Ol' Patches.

There's that slobbering happy face.

Thank you.

That means a lot.

That bolo tie you're wearing?

I don't know where you got that,
but it's fucking gay as fuck.

Cool, I won't wear it anymore.

That's a good idea.

Folks, these are not
average peridot craponite earrings.

These are 18-carat gold.

And we got...
Do we have a buyer?

What are you waiting for?
Kill yourself.

All right, goddamn it.
We got another comedian.

Ever since that kid called up,

everybody wants to call
and tell me I should kill myself.

He was right.
Do it.

Folks, this an 800 number.

Every time you call
and tell me to kill myself,

it's costing us

two dollars
and thirty-six cents.

So now, how about a caller
who wants to buy jewelry?

Hello, sir?

You're too scared to do it,
aren't you?

You don't have the balls.

Goddamn it,
I'm not scared to do it.

You're scared.

You got lady balls.

Hello.

I'm calling
about the peridot earrings.

Yes, ma'am.

They'd look good
on your dead body.

Why don't you kill yourself?

All right, that's that.

That third's...

the straw
that broke the camel's back.

I got a gun right here.
What do you think about that?

Put it against your temple
and pull the trigger.