South Park (1997–…): Season 15, Episode 5 - Crack Baby Athletic Association - full transcript

Feeling guilty after watching another commercial about helpless children set to Sarah McLachlan singing, Kyle volunteers and is shocked to find Cartman helping crack babies at the hospital ...

"Crack Baby Athletic Association"

That one was smelly!

Take this dali Terrance!

Dude, this is probably the best
episode they've ever done!

I know, this is awesome!

Ugh, I'm so happy!

Terrance and Phillip will be
right back after these messages!

So much suffering...

Oh no!

It's that super sad Sarah
McLaughlin commercial!

Look away!



What?

Dude, this is the saddest
commercial ever!

Don't watch!

These are images of babies born
addicted to crack cocaine.

Their mothers have abandoned them.

They lie in the dark, crying,

with nobody to hold them.

Oh dude, that's so sad!

Why do they have to put this on tv?

Their world is bleak,
lonely and hopeless.

Hello, I'm Sarah McLachlan and
I was famous for two months.

Each year, thousands of babies
are born addicted to crack

and lie in hospitals without
a mother to hold them.

Won't you volunteer today?



Look at these pictures.

They need you.

Dude.

Oh, god.

Please, go to your
local hospital now.

Here are some more pictures.

I can't take it anymore!

I gotta go volunteer, dude.

It's a really great
thing you're doing.

We have so many abandoned babies and not
enough people like yourself who care.

What exactly can I do to help?

Just hold them, talk to
them, play with them.

You'll find they're so
hungry for attention.

Here's our crack baby ward now.

I know it isn't much but, we don't
have a lot of funding you see.

Oh, it's so sad.

where you can play with the
babies and nurture them.

It's actually really great
you're volunteering now

because our other little boy
volunteer is just finishing up!

Oh, hey, Kyle.

What are you doing here?

I'm volunteering.

What are you doing here?

I'm volunteering my time, Kyle.

Young Eric has been here every
day for the past two weeks

bless his heart.

Why do you have a video camera?

I'm volunteering, Kyle.

It just so happens Sarah
McLachlan touched my heart

is that so hard to believe?

Goodbye Nurse Williams,
see ya tomorrow.

Bye, Eric!

I'm sorry, can I come back
in just a little bit?

Certainly. We're here all
the time unfortunately.

Thanks.

What's going on?

Ahghghgghgh!

Aw crap.

Okay, Kyle, you caught us.

I admit we aren't actually doing
volunteer work at the hospital.

So what are you doing?

What if I were to tell you

there's a way to help those poor
babies born addicted to crack

and give them a future as well?

All right, what is it?

Crack baby basketball.

Whoa, whoa, Kyle, come on,

don't tell on us!

We could actually really use you!

Why do you need me?

Because we need a Jew
to do the bookkeeping.

Dammit.

Kyle, wait!

Kyle!

Just hold on a second!

I knew you were doing
something terrible!

What's terrible Kyle,

we fill a little ball with crack, we
let the crack babies fight over it,

and put it up on the Internet!

Who cares?

Lots of people will when I tell them!

We made a thousand
dollars in eleven days!

You what?

Ask the guys.

There's six hospitals
within a ten mile radius

and all we do is pit the crack
babies against each other

with a little ball of crack.

A thousand dollars.

Dude, this thing is huge,

and it doesn't hurt the
crack babies at all.

We are swimming in cash.

Let me take you out to Denny's.

It's baconalia time.

After you.

There's a big wait to sit down.

Ah, mister Cartman!

We have your table waiting, sir!

Come on.

We started with two crack
babies and a camera.

Butters did all the Internet stuff.

We've built up to a
thousand hits a day.

Jesus Christ.

It's awesome.

It's the good life, Kyle.

We've come here every night for
Denny's baconalia specials.

Every single night!

Look at the menu.

Bacon inside pancakes,
bacon meatloaf.

They even have a bacon
sundae for desert.

Wow.

We are turning this thing into
a legitimate sport, Kyle.

We're getting Slash to
start playing at halftime

and EA Sports is offering us a hundred
thousand for the video game rights.

I like that boom boom pow

them chickens jackin' my style

they try copy my swagger

I'm on that next shit now.

We've got a constant flow of
athletes that never dries up, Kyle.

And best of all,

it's all charity,
so it's tax free.

We'll put your office
right here, Kyle.

All of South Park walking by,

looking up at you.

And it actually helps
the crack babies.

It's like volunteering, but we
just make a little on the side.

Somebody's gotta eat
all that bacon, Kyle.

Might as well be us.

Welcome to the firm.

Go long, Token!

Go, go!

Hey, Stan!

Dude, I want you to have this.

It's the twenty bucks I owed you,

plus thirty dollars interest.

Wow, really?

I got a job, Stan.

I am making tons of money
doing some really cool stuff.

Doing what?

Crack baby basketball.

Dude.

No, no, it's not like it sounds.

Here check it out!

See look, we just video the babies
fighting over a ball full of crack.

It's really getting popular.

I mean it, it's cool

because like the commercial said

the crack babies had nothing before.

It's, it's great because
everyone wins, you know?

You see that?

Two million hits!

Did you know they're putting bacon
inside of pancakes at Denny's?

Betsy macintosh?

What do you want?

We heard about you through the
passages sobriety clinic.

They said you've skipped out
on your rehab once again?

Oh gawwwwd.

We need to speak with you, ma'am.

It's like these voices in my head
won't be quiet until I use again!

And so am I correct that you are
eight and a half months pregnant

and still addicted to cocaine?

I don't want my baby to be born
addicted to drugs but I can't stop!

Well, ma'am, I have some
very exciting news.

We would like your child to play for
the crack baby athletic association!

The what?

We believe that St. Mary's is
the best hospital for your child.

And we are prepared to
offer him a full ride.

Now, do you know yet if your
child is male or female,

or so deformed you'll
never be able tell?

They said it's a boy.

Just sign the paper and he'll
be playing ball for St. Mary's!

How much will he make?

Well, nothing.

Crack baby players
can't make a salary,

based on the rules.

So what?

You would make money off of my child?

That doesn't seem fair.

I don't make the rules, ma'am,

I just think them up
and write them down.

Now, if you would be willing
to sign right here,

we can get things rolling
can't you change the rules?

Ma'am, the crack baby athletic
association is a storied franchise.

It was founded over 12 days ago

with a firm ethical code
that strictly states

benefits to players is
detrimentalized to their well being.

I cannot offer you or
your child any cash.

I can, however, offer you
a little bit of crack.

Butters?

Dude, what actually makes
total sense about it,

if you look at it,

is that the crack babies are
finally getting some attention

and the care that they need.

Wew, yeah, it's pretty cool, dude.

Because most of these babies would
normally not even get out, you know,

or be able to do anything.

Just because we are making money,

doesn't mean that those
babies aren't benefiting!

It isn't exploiting them!

They're finding a useful
place in society!

What's unethical about that.

You sound like Cartman.

Ooooh.

Dude, the thing is,

we're not the ones that
made them crack babies.

That's their mom's God damn fault!

Yeah, I'm sure that's what
Cartman would say too.

I do not sound like Cartman,
God dammit!

Okay, so see ya.

It's the easiest thing in the world.

How could you guys
have screwed this up!

All I asked you to do was to
get Slash to play at halftime

for the match up between the crack
babies at cedar sinai and du.

We're just having a
hard time finding him.

Slash is not hard to find!

He'll show up to play
anywhere if you pay him!

He played at my eighth birthday
party for Christ's sake!

Look, look he's playing at
lakewood mall right now!

You guys get down there aw crap!

The president of EA
Sports is calling!

Just go! Go!

Mister Peters, how are you?

Yes, sir, we're very excited
about our deal with you as well!

Oh, we know the video game
version of crack baby basketball

will be a big hit too.

Hey, Kyle, have a seat.

I need to talk to you.

Mr. Peters, can I call you back.

Our company accountant needs me.

Yes, he is Jewish.

Okay, thanks, Mr. Peters, bye.

How's it goin' man?

In our deal with EA Sports

we are giving them the right to
use images of the crack babies

and their names.

But we aren't paying
the crack babies.

They can't make money,

it's against the rules.

But this video game could
make a million dollars.

We have to give the crack
babies a piece of that.

Kyle, it says right there
rule number three,

crack baby players cannot receive
compensation of any kind for their play.

But they're the ones risking injury.

What do you want me to do, Kyle?

Find a step ladder of some kind

and risk my safety to get up and
there and change the rules?

The government could
come after us, Cartman.

We're a non-profit company, Kyle.

So then where did the
eight hundred dollars

we made from selling an Internet
ad to payless shoe source go?

To things we need to keep
the office running, Kyle.

Here look!

A hot tub?

It's not just a hot tub.

Taste it.

Go ahead, taste it.

Gravy?

Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy.

No way.

A hot tub full of KFC gravy, Kyle.

Did you ever think you would
see that in your lifetime?

Kyle, as owners of this company
we owe it not only to ourselves,

but to the crack babies,

to be as stress free and
clear headed as possible.

McDonalds French fries
and KFC gravy.

The French call this 'poutine'.

No, but dude,

we can't license our games to EA Sports
and pay the crack babies nothing.

Slavery is illegal!

It's not illegal, Kyle.

Tell you what,I'll do
some undercover work

and find out how the other
companies get away with it.

What other companies?

Dean howland, a representative

from another prestigious
institution is here to see you.

A what?

Send him in.

Hallo sa!

The name is Eric p. Cartman.

I'm a well respected owner
in the slave trade.

In the what?

Mah peaches whata wonderful
office you got yourself hee-ya.

Certainly got yourself a
lucrative business, don't ya.

Well, let me get right
down to it, then.

Like yourself,

I am also in the slave trade.

But at the moment I find myself in a
little quandary with legal issues.

Was wonderin' if you could
share some secrets.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

You have some mighty strong
lookin' workers heya, sa.

I'd be willin' to
offer ya forty dollars

for two a the white ones
and fifty for the blacks.

Are you referring to
our student athletes?

Student ath-o-leets.

Ho, ho, that is brilliant sar!

Now when we sell their
likeness for video games,

how do you get around
paying your slave,

student atholeets, then?

Look, there are good reasons

why our student athletes
cannot be paid, young man!

I ain't ahgewin!

If they got paid then how'd
we make all our money, right!

We do not own slaves.

And we have no desire to own slaves!

But of course you own
slaves you have... oh.

Right!

Of course you don't have
desire to own slaves, sar.

Neither do I.

And if there was any
government agency

listenin' in on this
here conversation,

they should know that we're not
talking bout slave ownership at all.

All right. So now do you get
around not paying your slaves?

Get out!

This is a prestigious university and
I am not saying one more word to you!

You think you can
do whatever you want

because your corporation
is a university?

This country was
founded on the ideals

that one corporation
couldn't hog all the slaves

while the rest of us
wallow in poverty!

Screw you, sir.

I'm goin' home.

Here's the thing:

Whether or not I'm a part of it,

crack baby basketball is popular.

Somebody's going to do it.

So the only way for me to
try and help the situation

is to be involved in it,

so that I can steer
things in a direction

that's more beneficial to
the actual crack babies.

Oh, it's so easy for you,
isn't it?

I mean what do you have
to do except lay there

and think about what you
did at school today

or what you wanna
watch on tv tomorrow?

Well, sorry, skippy,

but the world isn't
always black and white!

Just because some people are
born poorer than others

doesn't mean I can't enjoy a
few McDonalds french fries

in a hot tub of gravy from
Kentucky Fried Chicken!

McDonald's French fries in
a hot tub of KFC gravy?

It happens to be called
'poutine' in Montreal!

How hard can it be, Clyde?

You walk up to Slash when
he's playing at the mall

and you offer him a deal!

We must have just missed him.

He was playing at cherry creek
mall and then the flatirons mall.

Now we don't know where to go

because Slash is playing the
pavilion in Colorado Springs

and the gigadome in moscow
later this afternoon.

How can Slash be playing in Colorado
Springs and moscow at the same time?

We don't know,

he's everywhere.

Look you morons,

Slash clearly has a fan club, right?

So just go to the post office,

and find out where
the mail gets sent,

and then you have
Slash's home address!

Oh, that's a good idea.

Yeah, it's a good idea now go
us get Slash for halftime!

Jesus Christ!

Are we the only two intelligent
people in this entire company, Kyle?

God damn.

Alright, Cartman.

I've been doing a
lot of thinking about

how the company is going
to spend the money

we make off the EA Sports deal.

We are going to use 30
percent of the money

to build an orphanage
for the crack babies.

What?

I've designed it to be the
best place for them to live.

A place they can finally have the
care and happiness they deserve.

And if you think it's a bad
idea I don't really care!

Oh my God,

it's genius Kyle!

What?

This is the answer to our problems!

A three hundred
thousand dollar building

but we buy ourselves a million dollars
worth of good will with the public!

We can say we gave our
'student atholeets'

a place to live and
grow for a few years!

It's like moral Teflon!

I knew we're gonna need
a jew in this company, Kyle.

Great work!

Let me get this straight,

you kids want me to tell
you where Slash lives.

Please, sir.

It's very important.

Well, I'm afraid I
can't do that kids.

But we have a big deal with
EA Sports that depends on it.

Come on,
kids write to Slash every day.

But it all just goes into
this big pile over here

the reason I can't tell
ya where Slash lives

is because he don't live nowhere.

Don't ya ever wonder how Slash can be
all those places at the same time?

It's because he's made up.

Don't spoil it for the kids, Marty!

It's up to parents to decide when to
tell their children Slash ain't real.

Hello?

Dad, is Slash real or make believe?

Oh dear.

Clyde's asking about Slash.

Ooh, well, the day had to come.

Clyde, the truth is
Slash isn't a person,

he's more like a feeling
in your heart, you know?

Slash isn't real.

Get outta here.

Clyde, sometimes people like to
pretend with make believe characters.

He's not really a lie he's
like a... he's like love.

People all over the world
dress up like Slash

and have different names for Slash.

The Dutch call him vunter slaush.

He's made up and people dress like him
and pretend to be him to their kids.

Your mother's Dutch you know, Clyde.

How did that ol' folk song go, honey?

Vunter sloush kapu-sh-kuh.

Spealer in mein shoon-ska.

And so, thirty percent

of the money we make off of the
licensing agreement with EA Sports

goes to the orphanage for
the needy crack babies.

Did you see the blueprints?

The babies will have their
own putt putt golf course.

Why does it matter how
much I'm making, Stan?

If the crack babies are getting
a place to grow and develop,

why does my salary matter?

You guys!

You guys!

We've got some bad news.

Slash isn't real.

What?

Slash isn't real,

he's a made up person that
represents care and giving

and people dress up like
him and lie to their kids.

Slash is make believe?

Here, look for yourself!

He's based on a fable of a Dutch
Saint named vunter slaush.

Vunter slaush?

What?

But then who played at my
eighth birthday party?

One of our parents.

But then, who was the guitar
player for Guns N' Roses?

One of our parents!

Are you serious?

You guys are ten years old

and you just figured out
that Slash isn't real?

Oh, my God.

You knew about this?

My parents told me Slash
wasn't real when I was five!

Jesus Christ.

Well, what the heck do we do now?

Look, let's just get our
money from EA Sports

and get out of this whole
thing once and for all!

Boys, I want to thank you

for bringing the CB Double a
franchise here to EA Sports.

You've made us a loooot of money!

Wait a minute.

According to this you
now own all the rights

to crack baby basketball
and we get nothing.

Yes, our lawyers are damn good.

But you didn't get nothing.

Why you boys got experience,
didn't you?

You got a chance to
play in the big league.

Sure, we here at EA might
have made all the money,

but you little workers had a chance
to make somethin' of yourselves.

I'd give you some free video games,

but it's against the rules.

You can't do this!

We were gonna build an orphanage!

So the crack babies
have somewhere to go!

Oh, well.

Fuck 'em. And fuck you too.

I piss in your faces.

I just can't believe
Slash isn't real.

I know, it's messing
with my head so hard.

You guys, we've just been
screwed over and lied to!

I know, right?

I was always extra good
before my birthday too

because I was told Slash
would come play for me.

Well boys, this has been
real educational n' all,

but now let's part with
that ol' EA Sports sayin',

get the fuck outta my buildin'.

It's unbelievable Stan,

EA Sports just used
us the entire time.

We worked for nothing and
EA made all the money.

No, I don't think we actually
deserved getting screwed over,

but, but I guess making
tons of money off of people

who are making nothing is
always going to cause problems.

I know. I know, right?

We mighta got screwed

but the really tragic thing is

that those poor crack babies at the
hospitals are just stuck there,

with nowhere to go.

No way!

This is it!

It's what?

This is it, Stan!

It's just like I designed it!

There's the miniature
golf course over there!

And the slides and the excuse me,

what is this place?

Isn't it wonderful?

All the crack babies
will have a home now.

But who paid for all this?

Kyle, Kyle.

Look.

You don't think that--
But he isn't real.

Maybe or maybe we haven't been
told such a big fib after all.

Vunter sloush kapu-sh-kuh,

shpealer in mein shoon-ska,

het vaait axle rose-ia,

danka vunter slaush-a.

It is real, you guys.