South Park (1997–…): Season 15, Episode 3 - Royal Pudding - full transcript

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Welcome, oh, welcome
to our little play.

It's our hope
that you all learn something today.

I am a tooth.

So white and so strong.

I am a toothbrush.

My bristles are long.

Together we work
to keep the bad guy away.

He's mean and he hurts,

and his name's tooth decay.

His name is tooth decay.



Where is tooth decay?

- Tooth decay, that's your cue!
- He's not here.

What do you mean?

He's at home,
watching the royal wedding.

- The what?
- He said he had to watch it.

Is this some kind of joke?

We are two weeks
into tech rehearsals!

Who the heck would sit at home,
watching the royal wedding?

It's a glorious morning, and thousands
have gathered for the royal wedding.

People are still filing
inside the abbey, to watch

the Prince and Princess of Canada
exchange their vows.

What a great day
for Canadians everywhere.

The Winnipeg drummers
playing the March of a Thousand Farts,

as is traditional
for the Canadian royal family.



The biggest Canadian celebrities
are on hand.

There are sirs Terrance and Phillip
with their wives, the Queef sisters.

I believe one of the sisters
queefed just now.

There are Canadian recording artists,
sir Bryan Adams and sir Corey Hart.

Everyone looking smashing.

And there he is,
the Prince of Canada.

What a wonderful day for him.
What a wonderful day for all of us.

Inside the abbey,
everyone waiting with anticipation.

There's the Queen of Canada
in attendance.

She just queefed.

The Prince makes his way,
led by the bishop of Newfoundland.

People gently tossing Cap'n Crunch
as the Prince passes by,

as of course is tradition.

He takes his place next to the vat
of butterscotch pudding.

Here she comes!
There she is!

The about to be Princess of Canada.

She's the living symbol of our country.
My God, she's beautiful.

Princess.

The Prince is dipping his arms
into the pudding, as is tradition.

The Princess scrapes it
off the Prince's arms,

symbolizing their union.

What a glorious day
for our country and the world.

And now, the...
Wait a minute.

What's this?
Something is going terribly wrong!

The abbey is shaking
as explosions abound.

The top of the abbey is collapsing.

They look on in horror.

This is not tradition at all.

A giant hole
blasted into the ceiling.

Debris falling down
and crushing several spectators,

which is also not the tradition
for a royal Canadian wedding.

A bright beam of light
shooting through the ceiling.

The Princess is in some kind
of isometric cube.

This is breaking with tradition.

Canadians cannot believe their eyes.
Widespread panic.

The Princess being hoisted away.

The mushroom people of Nova Scotia
screaming with horror.

The Prince is trying
to grab the cube.

The Duke and Duchess of Calgary
hiding behind the pews.

This is indeed a horrible day
for all of Canada and...

The pudding has been knocked over!
This is not tradition at all.

The pudding spilling all over the abbey
as the Princess is lifted up.

And she's gone.
The Princess has been taken.

This is indeed a horrible day
for Canada and the rest of the world.

I am a tooth.

So white and so strong.

I am a toothbrush.

My bristles are long.

Together we work
to keep the bad guy away.

He's mean and he hurts,

and his name's tooth decay.

His name's tooth decay!

It's tooth decay!

He's gonna get us!

Tooth decay.

Your character should be mean,
not crying.

He can't be sad until toothbrush
and dental floss have gotten rid of him.

You can't start already sad.
There's nowhere to go.

There's no arc.

For crying out loud!
All right, tooth decay.

You just go home
and sort yourself out.

The rest of us
will rehearse the finale again.

And you better come back tomorrow
with a different attitude.

The tornado was said
to be the deadliest in 56 years.

In other news, it's been 24 hours,

and the Princess of Canada
is still missing.

Canada is in mourning,

as nationwide suicides abound.

The Princess is gone!

The Princess is gone!

A massive candlelight vigil
was held last night,

led by the Canadian band Rush.

And it seems to me
you lived your life

like a flower breaking wind.

Never knowing who to turn towards.

The Prince has said that...

We have received breaking news

that the Canadian government
now knows who took the Princess.

The Canadian prime minister
is telling people of Canadian descent

to go home
and open their box of faith.

Box of faith?
What the fuck is that?

Hello there, my noble, strong,
fellow Canadian.

If you are watching this filmstrip,
no doubt Canada is in grave danger.

As you know, the very heart of Canada
is the royal family.

If you've been ordered
to open your box of faith,

one or more of the royal family
must be in peril.

Or you opened it and are watching this
without being told to,

in which case you are a dick.

If you've indeed been instructed
to open it,

this is a call to arms.

All Canadians in fighting condition
are to meet by the tree in Edmonton.

In your box of faith,
you will find all the items you need.

A location beacon,
a first aid kit and a sandwich.

You may eat the sandwich now.

Good luck, Canadian citizen,
and God help.

All of Canada is relying on you.

Where are you going?

Where are you going?

I gotta get to Canada

and join the army

and save the Princess.

Whereas salagadoola
mechicka boola equals X,

and bibbidy-bobbidy-boo is Y.

Put them together, and you get
bibbidy-bobbidy boo, X + Y = Y.

X = 0.
The song is badly written.

Second verse,
X + Y = bibbidy-bobbidy? + boo.

Do you mind telling me
where your brother is?

- I don't know.
- How am I supposed to do a play,

teaching about the importance
of dental hygiene without tooth decay?

We have two more days of tech,
and previews start on Monday.

What am I supposed to do?
You tell me!

Couldn't you get rid
of the part of tooth decay?

Getting rid of tooth decay
is what I'm trying to fucking do!

He's your brother.

How are you going to fix this?

Hey there.
You going to Canada too?

What am I saying?
You're Canadian, sure enough.

Opened your box of faith?
Me too.

They can't take our Princess!
Mind if I sit down?

There was no question
if I was gonna sign up.

Didn't care how far away I was,
I was gonna get to that rally point.

Didn't know other Canadians
living in the US.

I'm from Toronto, but people
were terrified by my disfigurement.

I have to wear this bag,
because I'm hideously ugly.

Had to move to the US.
Here people don't think I look ugly.

They just think I look Canadian.

The name's ugly Bob.

I am a tooth.

So white and so strong.

I am a toothbrush.

My bristles are long.

Together we work
to keep the bad guy away.

He's mean and he hurts,

and his name's tooth decay.

I am tooth decay.

Your teeth shall be mine.

- With candy and treats, I will...
- Hold it! Stop!

What the fuck was that?

Just doing the lines.

The audience is supposed
to feel scared of tooth decay.

If tooth decay has no believability,

toothbrush and dental floss
have nothing to play against.

I'm trying.
I really am.

You're trying?

You call rolling
your fat ass out on the stage

and lazily blurting out your lines
like a turtle taking a shit.

You call that trying?

This play is supposed
to change how people think.

Get it fucking right!

Just pick it up from there.

Brave Canadians,

you have answered the call,
and now we must face our greatest foe.

The Princess has been kidnapped,

and we believe this to be
the work of the giant!

- The giant!
- That's not good.

We are attempting to attract the giant,
with a bowl of kraft dinner.

When the giant arrives,
we will attack him with our guns,

our swords, our...

Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell kraft dinner.

- It's the giant!
- Scott!

Give us back the Princess!

You fart-loving tricksters!
I'll take care of you.

You're a dick.
You've always been a dick.

Then you got radiation poisoning
in Ottawa, and now you're a giant dick.

You all kept calling me a dick,
and so that turned me into a dick!

Then I got radiation poisoning,
and now I'm a giant dick.

Hand over the Princess of Canada!

Why would I take
the Princess of Canada?

Because you're a giant dick?

I'm also the biggest Canadian patriot
of all of you.

I would never harm the royal family!

Crap, we had some bad intel.
Return to your homes!

- Come on.
- Let's go.

We did all we could.

At least, we tried.
The Princess is gone for good.

What is wrong with you people?

It's perfectly obvious
who took the Princess!

I might be a giant,
but there's a bigger threat than me!

- Who?
- The native Canadians!

The native Canadians?

There, you see that?

Goddamn native Canadians.
Think they run the world.

Fart-loving Eskimos.
I'm sure they've taken the Princess.

Just look at them.
Loudmouth self-centered assholes.

Let's get them!
Let's fuck them up!

What?
You're looking at me like I'm a racist.

I'm not!
Think about it.

Before the noble white man arrived,
these monkeys populated Canada.

Who else would be pissed off enough
to kidnap our royalty?

Shit!

In fifteen fucking minutes,
you won't care about this anymore,

so I'll just say what I need to say.

That was the worst rehearsal
we have ever had.

We are two days away from opening,
and you're all fucking around!

That's because tooth decay sucks.

- That's right.
- It's all his fault.

Don't put this all on tooth decay!

Lemme tell you something,
dental floss.

You're not as good
as you fucking think you are!

You're already acting like a star,
and we haven't even opened yet!

Open your fucking eyes!
You're about to blow your shot!

He says the taking
of the Princess was foretold.

He says Eskimos
do hate us Canadians,

but there's an even bigger threat
to Canada who has the Princess.

He said the evil that took her
wasn't Canadian at all, but a beast,

who preys upon people
of all nationalities.

They can lead us to the beast,
but we will have to destroy it.

I don't know
what the goddamn problem is.

Maybe you all don't know
how serious tooth decay is,

maybe you all just don't give a fuck.

You all probably think
you can live your lives cavity-free,

never giving a shit about the plaque
building on your teeth.

You have single-handedly destroyed
all that which I worked on

for the past six years.

And so, I want you to know,

once and for all,

why this whole dental hygiene thing
is so important to me.

Two years ago,

I lost my father to tooth decay.

He was an intelligent,
hard working man,

and my whole family
watched as tooth decay

took him in the blink of an eye!

You've been told
to brush and to floss,

but do you really know
the importance behind it?

Do you?

This is stupid!
You're making a mistake, kid.

Leave him alone.

Why are we following this ice beaner?

We've been walking for hours.

If there's one thing Eskimos
are good at, it's finding things.

They're good for nothing.
I paid one to give me a blow job once.

She just rub her nose against my penis
and asked me to pay.

- Goddamn polar gooks.
- Stop being a dick.

So now, I'm a dick!

Wait a minute.
Look!

It's the Princess!

Princess!

Your teeth are your friends.

They're friends in your mouth.

Take care of your friends,

or they'll rot and fall out.

Visit your dentist.

He is your friend too.

And dental floss also
is here to help you.

Oh, no, dental floss!

What will I do?

Flat!
You're flat!

- There!
- Please, save me!

You have to hurry.
It wants to kill me!

Who took you?

I should have listened!
I didn't believe it was real!

It's behind you!

Of course, the evil Atok Atok!

The dark lord
that takes from all nationalities.

It's tooth decay!

I am tooth decay.

Your teeth shall be mine!

I should have always brushed
and flossed and avoided sweets.

Fart-loving tooth decay!
I'll fix you!

Save me!

It's coming for me!
Help!

Help!

Princess, look away!

What the...

You did it!

Thank you!

I want you all to take
a serious fucking look at yourselves.

Act 1 was pure fucking dog shit!

If tooth decay is singing flat,

the whole fucking thing sounds flat!

We are putting a stop to this play.
It's over.

What?
Why?

Act 2 will be better.
These kids just aren't listening to me.

It's over.

They got him.

Tooth decay.
They got the son of a bitch.

What?

Up in the Yukon.
All bureaus are confirming it.

You can let it go.
Tooth decay is gone.

Oh, God!

Go on home, kids.

It's over!

What?

The Princess now giving
the medal of courage to ugly Bob.

And also to Scott
who is of course a giant dick.

And Katook-took of the Yukon.

The medal made of white chocolate,
as is tradition.

A glorious day
for Canada and the world.

The Duke of Calgary
putting on a fake beard.

A tradition
since the birth of Canada.

The Princess now knighting
sir Ike Broflovski.

Giving him three kisses
and a pair of socks, as is tradition.

That's pretty cool, right?

My little brother is a knight
in Canada.

My sister is a den leader
in girl scouts.

My uncle's the second in line
to be manager at Gart Brothers.

Now, the scraping off of the pudding.

Scraping off the pudding
with the grace of a butterfly.

She rubs it on her face.

The Prince attempting
to remove one of the Princess' arms,

as is the tradition.

The Princess screaming.
Everyone watching with anticipation.

And the arm is off!

Things are back to normal in Canada.
The traditions are once again...

The Prince is sticking
the Princess' arm up his ass.

There it goes.
He's really making a good go of it.

What a wonderful day for Canada
and therefore, of course, the world.