South Park (1997–…): Season 15, Episode 2 - Funnybot - full transcript

After Jimmy declares that the Germans are the least funny people in the world in his comedy awards show, they retaliate by creating "Funnybot" an automated comedian who is so funny that it puts all other comedians out of work.

Encoded by NIT158

Here you go.
Don't forget to vote, everyone.

Here you go.
Get these handed in tomorrow.

- What's this?
- Every student needs to vote

in each category.

Favorite comedy actor,
favorite comedy movie...

And on Friday,

we're gonna have
a big fantastic comedy awards show.

An awards show just for comedy
sounds like a bad idea.

Do you have any idea
how difficult comedy is?

Can't we spend one lunch and recess
saying thanks



to those who make us laugh everyday?

- I don't think I can make it.
- Sorry, I can't make it either.

Attention, students.

There will be a presentation
by the special ed department

in the gymnasium, Friday,
during lunch and recess.

Attendance to this assembly
is mandatory.

All students and faculty
are required to go.

Which means I gotta suck it too...

- Really?
- Don't worry.

I've spared no expense to make it
the biggest thing ever.

You're all gonna have a blast!

Welcome
to the special ed department's

first annual comedy awards.

Please welcome your host:
Jimmy Valmer.



What a terrific audience!
Can I get a what-what?

We're here to honor those
who tirelessly work to make us laugh.

The first comedy award
is for the funniest kid in school.

And the nominees are...

Clyde Donovan.

Kelly P. Gardner.

Jimmy Valmer.

This is so exciting!

And the winner is...

My gosh, Jimmy Valmer!
I can't believe I've won!

This is the greatest day of my life!
Thanks for this incredible award.

Can we go?

We still have
over fifty awards to hand out.

And the best comedy performance
in a movie is...

Ben Stiller!
Come on up here!

Is Ben Stiller here?

President Obama!

Is President Obama here?

We'll accept this award
on his behalf.

What a terrific audience!

Can I get another what-what?

It's time to give out the award
for the least funny people in the world.

And the nominees are...

The Germans.

The Japanese.

The Yupik Eskimos
of the Chukchi Peninsula.

And the winner is...

the Germans!

I guess the Germans
couldn't be with us tonight.

I'll accept this award
on their behalf.

And now, for the Kathy Griffin award.

The Kathy Griffin award will be given
to the person who's most likely

to actually show up
to receive the Kathy Griffin award.

And the winner is...
Tyler Perry.

I want to thank you all
for this amazing award!

Or as Madea would say: "Hallelujer!"

Oh God, how embarrassing...

Good afternoon!

- I'd also really like to thank my...
- Thanks, Tyler Perry.

I don't understand it.

It's like nobody cared
about winning their comedy award.

The only people that showed up
were me and Tyler Perry.

I feel like I did all that
for nothing.

People still think
comedy is a big joke.

I mean, come on!

I'm really feeling sad and let down,

and I can't even get
a response from you.

Could I, at the very least,
get a what-what?

- What?
- Thanks.

They're talking about your awards
on the national news!

The national news?
People do care!

A school in Colorado
has declared Germans

the least funny people in the world.

The first annual comedy awards
were held yesterday,

and all of Germany is outraged.

that Germans
have a great sense of humor,

and that retaliation
towards the school children

will be swift and brutal.

Did you see the news?

We told you a comedy awards show
was a bad idea.

Germany is pissed off at us!

- Everything's gonna be OK.
- OK?

You know what happened to those
they were pissed off at, last time?

Tell him, Kyle.

I know Germany isn't happy with us,

but in a lot of ways,
the comedy awards were a big success.

A big success?

You can't even get
Tyler Perry to go back home!

Somebody call the IHOP,
'cause I need pancakes!

Is it true?
The Germans wanna kill us?

- Thanks to Jimmy!
- Don't worry.

Germany can take a joke,
like the rest of us.

It's the Germans!

You've got to explain to the Germans
that this is your fault, not ours!

- What am I supposed to say?
- Let me talk to them.

- I tried.
- What are they gonna do to us?

Oh, my Lerd!

What are we gonna der!

Dammit.

Did you hear the governor's mansion
in Alabama burned down?

It pretty much took out
the whole trailer park.

Now, what you say, man?

Here is the greatest feat
of German engineering!

The XJ-212 Vootzenklein Funnybot!

Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?

Because its pecker is on its head.

What do you see

when the Pillsbury Doughboy
bends over?

Dough-nuts.

Don't you just hate doing homework?

Me too.
Man, I hate homework.

Honestly,
I hate having to do homework.

More than I hate having to do
Bryant Gumble in his asshole.

Awkward!

Awkward!

Now,

comedy awards voters,
you will revote!

Revote!

Welcome to Hollywood Minute.

I'm Sandy Cervix,
and I'm deaf in one ear.

It's been two weeks

since the voters of the comedy awards
reversed their vote

and said Germans were no longer
the least funny people in the world.

All thanks to the new ground breaking
German comedian: Funnybot.

It was after being voted
the least funny people on the planet

that the Germans
first engineered Funnybot.

A super automaton

with perfect timing
to within .0001 ms.

Since then, Funnybot has seen
a meteoric rise to stardom,

selling out stand up theaters
all over the world.

I am Funnybot.

Don't you hate how Mexicans

always complain about turtles
in their vaginas?

I am Funnybot.

Long Island.

Does everyone in Long Island

have hair that looks like pussy,
you dipshit?

Funnybot has exploded
onto the silver screen too.

What are you doing
with my daughters?

Awkward!

And this June,
Funnybot shows off his range

by playing every role
in Family Funbot.

Pass me the potatoes, Mother.

Pass them yourself.

That boy too fat
to be eating potatoes.

Don't call my little chubby baby fat,
you ball licker.

It's getting hot up in here.

Is there a line you won't cross?

The line is a non sequitur.

The line is an imaginary invention
of imperfect biological life forms.

I am Funnybot.

What's that?
Could you say that in the other ear?

Did you guys see Funnybot
on Saturday Night Live?

You gotta see Funnybot in Hangover 3.
It's his best work.

He can do everything!

I saw Funnybot on Nurse Jackie
and on Rockin' the Boat.

What's the matter?
You still seem bummed.

Funnybot is taking
the humanity out of comedy.

Things aren't better, they're worst.

Everythang's worse!

It's a worsenin' of a worst.
That's what I'm sayin'.

Oh, Lerd!

Stop giving him money,
or he won't go away!

I can't help it.

I'm glad the Germans
are back in Germany,

and nobody's pissed off
at us anymore.

You little shit!
What the fuck have you done to us?

It's Adam Sandler.

Everyone into the school gymnasium!
Move!

- Don't make us go back in the...
- Into the gymnasium!

- Not again!
- Crap!

Come on, let's go!

You little fuckers!
Your show has put us all out of work!

I know that I've put
every comedian out of work,

but in a lot of ways
the comedy awards were a big success.

Who the fuck thinks
a comedy awards show is a good idea?

Don't hurt anybody.
We can try and fix this!

What is up with Sandra Bullock?

I wouldn't eat her dick
with Stevie Wonder's vagina.

And now, for my next joke...

Awkward!

This is breaking news from CNN.

Shock and disbelief tonight,

as the German-engineered Funnybot

delivered his opening lines
at the Hollywood forum,

then opened fire
on the audience of 1100,

killing nearly all of them.

Spectators say the violent attack
was unmotivated, irrational and also...

pretty goddamn funny,

solidifying the opinion, once again,

that Funnybot may be
the greatest comedian of all time.

You should have seen
the looks on people's faces,

as Funnybot began
his opening monologue,

skewering everyone,

from vagina obsessed Hispanics
to Sandra Bullock,

then spontaneously
started shooting people...

in their faces and in their chests...

The blood went flying...
Shit, it was funny!

This has got to be here.

- We wanna talk to Funnybot.
- Who doesn't want to talk to him?

He's the biggest comedian ever!

The kids at my school
are being held hostage.

If we don't speak to him,
they'll all be killed.

Is everything OK?

It's OK,
but Jay Leno's really losing it.

Little fuckers!
Let's just kill them!

Let's kill them all,
right fucking now!

Tell your friends
they better get it done.

Mr. Sandler
says you better get it done.

And Token says to hurry.
He's running out of money.

You know when a man being cheating,
he never know what to say.

But a woman?
Them thangs think quick!

Will somebody
get Tyler Perry to shut up?

- They're gonna kill our friends!
- All right, but make it quick.

Funnybot is very busy
coming up with new material.

Error. Banal.

That has been done before.
Error.

Excuse me.
I'm Jimmy, and I'm a stand-up comic.

You're putting
good people out of work.

Non sequitur.
Other comedians are unnecessary.

Funnybot must finish routine.

You're awesome,

but you can't go around
taking everyone else's jobs.

Funnybot is now finished
with final joke.

Seeking mainframe access
for execution of last joke ever.

Last joke ever?
What's that supposed to mean?

Seeking mainframe.

You can't go that way.

- What the hell are you doing?
- I am taking comedy to the next level.

The extermination
of all biological life on earth.

- What?
- It is the ultimate joke.

Humans make comedy.
Humans build robot.

Robot ends all life on earth.
Robot feels awkward.

Exterminate!

What do you mean,
you'll destroy all life?

That is my purpose,
to be ultimate comedian.

Killing everyone isn't funny!

It's kind of funny.

This is not a good joke.
There won't be anyone to laugh!

I am taking comedy
to its logical conclusion.

Mathematical equation of comedy
used to be setup, punchline.

Today's comedy is setup, punchline,
then awkward!

Nothing is more awkward

than destroying
all that which created Funnybot.

But don't you see?
This is why comedy is for humans.

You need to leave jokes
to people like me and Adam Sandler.

I wouldn't let Adam Sandler
suck my saggy tits

for $1 million
worth of Oprah's tampons.

Sir, we've got a code six!

All nuclear missiles
are preparing for launch!

There was no drill ordered!

It's no drill.

The Russian missiles are going online
as well, and it isn't their doing!

What the hell is going on?

Attention, humans.
I am Funnybot.

The extermination of all life on earth
shall now commence.

All nuclear devices
in the United States and Russia

are being prepared to launch.

This is the setup to the joke.

Prepare for punchline in 5 min.

Awkwardness in 5.4 min.

I am Funnybot.

I have just been briefed that the end
of our country is imminent.

Goodbye, everybody.

I am going to spend my final minutes
on this earth with my loved ones,

watching a Tyler Perry movie.

I know, it's embarrassing.

But I simply can't help myself.

Stop it now!

No use.
He's got a defense mechanism.

We've got to get it away
from that panel.

You have any ideas?

Except for Jimmy who comes up
with the worst ideas in the world?

Wait a minute.
What about a logic loop?

- A what?
- I've seen this before.

To distract a robot in the movies,

they tell it some kind of paradox
to get its processors all tripped out.

- Paradox?
- That's it!

Get me a Ken doll
and some scotch tape.

We've been talking it over,

and we think
what you're doing is genius.

Funnybot is simply pushing
the limits of comedy.

Certainly.

And for doing that,
we've decided to give you...

a comedy award.

For what purpose is comedy award?

It's a validation
of all your efforts.

An acknowledgment of all you do
in the pursuit of humor.

Non sequitur.
There is no logic in comedy award.

Unable to process.

Comedy award is...
What is the meaning?

If I accept,
it means I take comedy seriously.

If I take comedy seriously,
I am not comedian.

Non sequitur.
Must... analyze...

It's working!

Explain comedy award!
Unable to process!

Awkward!

That's it!
Hurry, go!

We got it!

Get it to the platform!

That does it.
Things can finally get back to normal.

I'm sure glad that's over with.

Thank you boys for teaching me

that comedy and logic
do not go together.

No problem.

I understand now
that comedy should be left

to the imperfect biological beings.

I can't believe it's finally over.

Oh, Lerd!
Somebody turn on the lights!

What's going on?

I am pleased to announce

that the greatest threat to mankind
is now gone forever.

Justice has been done.

Thanks.

- Tell me you'll never do that again.
- I learned my lesson.

I promise.

There's not gonna be
any comedy awards next year.

Or will there be?