South Park (1997–…): Season 14, Episode 9 - It's a Jersey Thing - full transcript
South Park tries to keep New Jersey from spreading to their town, and they are forced to turn to some of their enemies for help.
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna have myself a time #
# friendly faces everywhere #
# humble folks
without temptation #
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna leave my woes behind #
# ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor #
# headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind #
# come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine #
- Mom, dad,
what's muff cabbage?
- Muff cabbage?
- Where did you hear that?
- Muff cabbage.
- The new neighbors that
moved in next to Stan's house.
Me and ike saw the mom
get a parking ticket,
and she called the parking cop
muff cabbage.
- Muff cabbage!
- A new family moved in?
Where are they from?
- She said
they're from New Jersey.
- New Jersey?
A family from New Jersey
moved in next to the marshes?
- Yeah. Stan said they're having
them over for dinner tonight.
- Oh, God.
Poor Sharon.
Doesn't she know?
- Know what, ma?
- Muff cabbage!
- Never invite a New Jersey
housewife into your home.
- And so then I met
the school principal.
What's her name?
Principal Victoria!
What a stupid bitch!
I mean,
excuse my language,
but that bitch needs her
fucking head examined!
Yeah,
so my family and I moved
from Jersey to South Park
about a week ago.
So far, I can tell that everyone
here really likes me.
Oh, and I met, that
stotch woman, what's her name?
- Oh, Linda, uh-huh.
- Have you noticed how yellow
that bitch's teeth are?
You can tell that woman
is a piece of gahbage!
She's gahbage!
I went into the mall here
and I just about dropped dead.
The only panties
you can buy
makes you look like
you got a grandma muff!
- So, Randy, what gym's
are good around here?
Where do you work out?
- Oh,
I don't really work out.
- Well,
I gotta find somethin'.
My biceps are goin' flat!
- Where can you get
good clothes in this town?
Nowhere.
I mean,
that's why you're stuck
wearing gahbage
like that, right?
And the woman that works
the hair salon, Julia,
have you seen how big
that bitch's ears are?
- Oh, Julia's
a friend of mine, yeah.
- Ears out to here.
So I tell her,
"you got big ears, sweetie."
I'm not trying to be mean.
It's just a Jersey thing!
Why be offended?
I mean, you've got a big chin!
We've all got
imperfections!
- Right, just like your eyes
are kind of far apart.
- That was totally uncalled for,
for what she did.
My eyes are too far apart?
And like, who is she?
Is she God? No.
You don't ever, ever...
You whack job
prostitution whore!
You'd probably sell your muff
for $6.00!
You fucking psycho bitch!
Fuck you!
You're nothing but gahbage!
That's what you are.
You're gahbage!
You're sick, old woman
muff gahbage!
Muff gahbage!
Fuck this psycho bitch!
- Wow!
- Let's get the fuck
outta here!
She's a fucking pig!
She's fucking
pissing me off!
Okay, I love you.
- Take it easy.
- I love you. I thought
I was gonna deck her.
I was fine,
I was really fine.
I just wanted to get my point
across to her,
and then that's how I am.
Like I could be mad one minute,
and then I'll be fine.
Okay, all better.
Just had to get that out.
It's just...
It's a Jersey thing!
So who wants dessert?
Meeee!
- You guys
do not understand,
having neighbors from Jersey
is the worst.
All night long,
they keep me awake.
They're either
screaming at each other
or making some
disgusting sex sounds.
It seems like all people
from Jersey do
is hump
and punch each other.
- You know what you do when you
want a family to move away?
Every night, you go and take
a crap on their doorstep.
- Is that why there's crap
on my doorstep every morning?
- Oops!
Busted!
- They talk way too loud,
they flip out for no reason,
and every time they act like
selfish assholes,
they just go, "oh, it's a Jersey
thing, it's a Jersey thing."
- Hey!
You talkin' about Jersey?
Me and my friends
are from Jersey!
- Oh, crap.
There's more of them?
- Hey, come on!
There's people from Jersey
all over!
Who here is from Jersey?
- So I'm standing there,
and I'm like,
who's from Jersey?
And people are
all like, "yo! Whoo-hoo!"
Next thing you know?
Jersey party at sizzler.
- Yeah, let's get
this party started!
- Where the hell
are they coming from?
- Danielle is being
a stupid bitch!
- Shut up, Theresa.
You're pathetic.
- I'm pathetic?
You're muff gahbage!
Oh, Sharon!
Hi, sweetie!
You gotta meet
our new neighbors!
This is jacqueline.
She's from Jersey.
- And sicilian.
- That's Danielle.
She's from Jersey.
And that's Caroline.
- I'm having my face shaved.
It's a Jersey thing.
- I'm sorry, but I have other
clients in ten minutes.
Can you sit down?
- When the salon girl
told Theresa to sit down,
I thought Theresa
was gonna bust a tit.
- Don't you fucking
tell me what to do!
I'm a client here!
- Theresa!
Calm down!
- I don't have to take
your shit.
I'm from Jersey!
- Get her, Sharon!
- What?
- Sharon,
just stay out of it.
- Be the bigger person,
Sharon.
- You people are crazy.
- Who's crazy?
Are you talkin'
about my family?
Is my family crazy?
- Don't you pull
my friend's hair, you bitch!
- Let go of her,
you piece of trash.
- Who the fuck are you
to tell me what to do?
- All you trashy whores,
get the fuck out of here
and leave her alone!
- Psycho bitch!
- No,
you're a psycho bitch!
Psycho bitch!
Psycho bitch!
You wanna see
fucking crazy?
You better just step
the fuck away,
you wanna see fucking crazy!
- You're cabbage!
- Sheila?
- People of South Park,
we have all noticed
a steep rise
in everything Jersey lately.
As many of you already know,
everything east of the rockies
is now part of New Jersey.
The Jersey shore now includes
Jacksonville, Miami,
the Gulf of Jersey, Mexico,
and the Jersey islands.
- Jesus!
Why are they doing this?
- More people from Jersey
are showing up in our town.
If we don't do something,
South Park is going
to become west Jersey.
- Well, that does it!
Let's go tell
everyone from Jersey
we don't want them here!
All: Yeah!
- That won't work!
You can't just tell people
from Jersey you don't like them.
No matter
how obnoxious they are,
they will
convince themselves
that you all actually
think they're cool.
- How do you know that,
Mrs. broflovski?
- That's when I knew I had to
tell everyone the truth.
That originally,
I'm from Jersey.
Yes, born and raised.
I wasn't even called Sheila
back then.
In Jersey, I was known
as s-woww tittybang.
I drank heavily and punched
a lot of bitches in the face.
Living in South Park,
I'm able to control
the Jersey side of me,
which doesn't
really come out
unless I get around
other people from Jersey.
I'm just really hoping
that people here
don't judge me for it.
Or somehow, you know,
hold it against me.
- Sheila,
who are you talking to?
- You wouldn't understand.
It's a Jersey thing.
- You ain't gettin' by
that way, Kenny.
- Hey, dudes.
- Oh!
Well, well, well.
Look what the cat threw up
in the litter box.
Come on, guys, we don't want to
be seen hanging around him.
- What are you
talking about?
- Dude, we heard the news.
Your mom is from Jersey!
- So what?
- So what?
That makes you from Jersey!
- No, it doesn't!
- He's from Jersey,
you guys.
Let's just
get away from him.
- I'm not from Jersey.
I was born here!
- Don't try and deny it.
You're one of them, dude,
and by my accounts,
that's strike three!
- What's strike three?
- You're a ginger, a Jew,
and from Jersey.
Three strikes, Kyle!
You're out!
- Shut the fuck up!
What?
- Did you know your mom
was from Jersey?
- Why does it matter?
- No,
it just explains a lot.
- Oh, my God!
Kyle's even starting to look
like he's from Jersey!
His skin is turning orange!
- No, it isn't!
- Yes, it is!
It's getting oranger!
- Stop it, Cartman.
Just 'cause Kyle's mom
is a Jersey asshole
doesn't mean Kyle is.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You do what you want,
guys.
As for me?
Well, you're a heartless,
backstabbing Jersey boy, Kyle,
and I shant be
playing basketball
with the likes of you.
And I'm gonna start crappin'
on your doorstep a lot more.
- No, couldn't be.
Oh, my God.
- Kyle, you in there?
- Hold on!
Um, not right now!
- Kyle, open the door.
- Not now, mom, please!
- Kyle, this instant!
One, two...
- All right!
All right!
- I guess we need to talk.
I know this has to be
very upsetting for you, Kyle.
- What am I, mom?
- When I got pregnant with you,
Kyle, your father and I
were living with my parents
in Newark.
We knew we had to get out.
Neither one of us wanted
our child to be from Jersey.
So we moved as far away
as we could.
But now I realize, you can take
the fetus out of Jersey,
but you can't take Jersey
out of the fetus.
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying that
for the first two months
I carried you in my stomach,
I lived in Newark.
Technically,
you are from Jersey.
- No!
I don't want to
look like this!
- It isn't so bad, Kyle.
A lot of people think
the Jersey look is nice.
- Aaaaaaah!
- I can hide it!
Nobody ever has to know!
I can't ever
let anybody know!
- Live, from St. Louis,
New Jersey,
it's thejersey news,
with anchor men p-train
and tan jovi.
- What's up, New Jersey?
It's the evening news.
Our top story tonight...
Many Jersey people
are frickin' pissed
after a small town
in Colorado
got all aggro
on some decent Jersey folk.
For more on the story,
we go to Chicago.
- People here in Chicago,
New Jersey,
are riled up, p-train.
Apparently a town
called South Park,
which is at the border
of Denver, New Jersey,
is discriminating against
people from Jersey!
They won't sell houses
to people from Jersey,
and they're making all the ones
who moved in move out,
and they're taking down
all the Jersey-owned shops!
It's like these people
got a beef with Jersey.
What's up with that?
- What's up
with that?
- What's up with that?
- Well, we are comin'
after you, South Park!
We fight discrimination!
It's a Jersey thing!
- Please, governor,
you have to send your troops
to join us in this fight.
We're just a small town.
We can't stop New Jersey
on our own.
- We are very sorry,
but California cannot afford
helping you at this time.
- Can't you see that if
we fall to New Jersey,
California is next?
- No, because Utah is between
Colorado and California.
- Oh. Fine.
But when Utah gets taken over
by New Jersey, then who's next?
- Nevada.
- Oh, really? Well, okay,
Mr. "I'm awesome at geography."
- What the hell
are you guys doing?
- Trying to help. My dad says
to distribute all these guns.
- And we're just gonna let him
stand around here?
He's one of them,
he could easily be a spy!
- I told you, Cartman.
I'm not one of them.
I don't want to live in west
Jersey any more than you do!
- Overcompensating a little,
aren't we, Kyle?
- That's enough.
- Your blood is tainted
with the three js!
Jewish, Jersey,
and jinger! Admit it!
- Aaaaaaaah!
I'm not one of them!
Do you understand me?
You better get that
through your fat head!
I will never be one of them,
and if you say it again,
I swear to God, I'll smash
your fucking teeth in!
That hurt my throat because
he pushed it right here,
and then the back of my head
hit the tree.
It was... it was... there was bark
and it scratched it.
Did you see the scratch,
Kenny?
- Please,
emperor akishino,
we need Japan's help
to fight these people.
Fine, but you japs will all be
eating hoagies in a month!
That's it.
Nobody's gonna help us.
We're on our own.
- We can't take on
all of Jersey.
We have to find support!
- There is no support.
Every ally America had is...
Wait a minute.
Sometimes when a threat
is great enough,
you have to turn
to your enemies for help.
- What are you
talking about?
- We could ask Al-qaeda.
- Ask Al-qaeda for help?
After what they did to us?
- Maybe it's time we put
our differences aside
and forgive them.
- And what about the families
of the victims of 9/11?
Their feelings matter for
another ten months, damn it!
- Hey!
Hey, we got a problem!
You gotta get some people
down to the bar quick!
There's trouble!
- People from Jersey?
- I don't know
what the hell I saw.
- It tore a hole
in my meat locker.
Smashed the cigarette machine
in half.
- All right, come out now.
Make it easy on yourself.
- It's one of them!
That thing's
from Jersey too!
- What is it?
- It's called a snooki.
It's very famous.
- That thing is famous?
Why?
- I don't know!
- Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's kill it!
Snooki!
- Don't let it get away!
- Where is it?
- Who was that?
- Aah!
Get it off of me!
- Snooki smush!
- Shoot it!
- So then he grabs my throat,
right?
And he slams my head
into a tree,
and then he screams,
"I'll smash your teeth in."
My head is all, like,
gashed open!
- Kyle did that?
Gee whiz.
- I'm telling you, guys,
he's getting worse.
The Jersey in Kyle
is coming out.
I don't see
any other choice.
We have kidnap Kyle
and lock him in the meat freezer
at sizzler.
Hey, Kyle.
'Sup?
Kind of nice out tonight,
huh?
He has to be put away,
and he has to be put away now.
- Are you bein' serious?
- This is very serious,
butters!
- Yeah, but locking Kyle
in a meat freezer,
I mean, he could die.
- Well, if he does,
too bad.
Did you see that scratch
on my head?
Hey, Kyle.
Dude,
you smell raspberries?
I smell raspberries.
Huh.
We need to do this now.
At some point, he might start
suspecting something's up.
- Ustugh yur hamok umman.
- Hello, Mr. bin laden.
My name is Randy, and I'm
a geologist in America.
I know that America isn't your
favorite place in the world.
But gosh darn it,
we need your help.
As you may know, we are trying
to stop our entire country
from becoming New Jersey.
I believe that
if we do not succeed,
Jersey will spread to Japan,
Russia, and eventually to you.
I know you have seen
countless horrors
in your lifetime,
Mr. bin laden,
and that you have witnessed
the very worst of mankind.
Well, now
I ask you to watch this.
- Dj pauly delvecchio.
- All right,
we've got a situation.
- I'm the sweetest bitch
you'll ever meet.
- Aaaah!
Snooki want smush smush.
- Go, vinny!
Go, vinny!
- Come on, you guys,
hurry!
- Cartman, what the hell
are we doing at sizzler?
- I told you, guys.
You're not gonna believe it.
It's a miracle!
- What kind of
fucking miracle?
- Jesus answered our prayers,
you guys!
It's so cool.
It's right there
in the meat locker.
Kyle, go check it out.
- Why?
- Dude, go see why!
It's a Jesus miracle!
- You just wanna
lock me in there
because you think
I'm one of them.
- Nuh-uh.
Seriously. Nuh-uh.
- I'm not going in any meat
locker so you can trap me!
- Trap you? No, no, Kyle,
it's actually... lights!
Ha ha!
It's a trap, Kyle!
Get him
to the meat locker!
- Dude, what are you doing?
- Back away, guys.
This is for the safety
of all of us!
I'm sorry, Kyle,
but you can't be trusted.
- All right.
Fine, Cartman!
You really want me to go
in there, I'll...
Dude, Cartman,
what is that behind you?
- Kyle, do we really have to
resort to that?
- No, I'm serious,
what is that behind you?
- You ginger Jersey Jew,
your tactics don't work on me.
- Snooki want smush smush!
- Dude, what the fuck
is that thing behind me?
- Garrison, I think the
Jersey people are advancing.
Where's Randy?
- He's still questioning
that new prisoner!
- All right, Mr. situation,
we'll try this again.
Why are you people
doing this?
- But I told ya!
It's just a Jersey thing!
- What does that mean?
- You just don't understand.
It's just a Jersey thing!
- Stop playing stupid!
- Maybe he really is stupid,
Randy.
- Nobody's this stupid!
What are you people
planning?
- It's just a Jersey thing!
You know, you just gotta be
from Jersey to get it.
- Here they come!
- Is it them, Randy?
- Yep. They're from Jersey,
all right.
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Let's go!
- Yeah!
- Let's go creepin'
in this town!
- Don't you talk
about my family!
Don't you talk about
my family!
- This is where
we make our stand!
South Park will never be
west Jersey!
- Yeah!
- Fuck New Jersey!
- Keep shooting!
We're sick of you, Jersey!
Fuck off!
- Aah! Aah! Get it
off of me!
- Snooki want smush smush!
Get it off of me!
- We got to find a way
past it!
- What does it want?
- Sounds like
it wants smush smush!
- Smush smush!
Snooki want smush smush!
- No!
You guys, it's raping me!
It's raping me!
- Jesus Christ!
What the hell do we do?
- Oh, God!
Get out of here!
- Why?
- Aah! Agghh!
No!
Aaaaahhh!
Aaah! Aaaah!
Aaaaaaah! Aaaaah!
Uhhhhhhhhh!
- Dude.
- Get outta here,
ya piece a gahbage!
You wanna smush,
go creepin' somewheres else!
- Snooki get the smush
in the...
- You're gahbage!
You know that?
You're cabbage!
- Bah bah bah
bah bah bah bah!
Snooki bah bah bah!
- You got cabbage
in ya muff!
- You got cabbage
in your fucking muff!
Thank you, Kyle.
- That's the last of it!
We're out of ammo!
- Then we've got to start
falling back to Utah!
- What's the point?
Can't you see it's over?
- Who is that?
- It's Al-qaeda!
- Give 'em hell,
Al-qaeda!
- On a cold October night,
a small town in Colorado
stood up to New Jersey
and finally said,
"go away."
Our fortitude was
the inspiration for others,
and now New Jersey
is slowly receding
back to the desolate land
from whence it came.
Our country
is getting back to normal.
And we owe it all
to osama bin laden.
- Well, Kyle, looks like
you're totally back to normal.
- Yeah, the more distance
between me
and the others from Jersey,
the better I feel.
- Yeah, but you still
have it in you.
You saved my life, Kyle.
Deep down inside,
you're a monster,
but you're
my little monster.
- I just have one question,
Kyle.
At sizzler, when you were
yelling, "muff cabbage."
What's muff cabbage?
- It's a...
It's a Jersey thing.
- On this day,
let us all remember
that no people on this earth
are really enemies...
Only folks with differences.
- Tango is down.
Tango is down.
- We got him!
down to South Park #
# gonna have myself a time #
# friendly faces everywhere #
# humble folks
without temptation #
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna leave my woes behind #
# ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor #
# headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind #
# come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine #
- Mom, dad,
what's muff cabbage?
- Muff cabbage?
- Where did you hear that?
- Muff cabbage.
- The new neighbors that
moved in next to Stan's house.
Me and ike saw the mom
get a parking ticket,
and she called the parking cop
muff cabbage.
- Muff cabbage!
- A new family moved in?
Where are they from?
- She said
they're from New Jersey.
- New Jersey?
A family from New Jersey
moved in next to the marshes?
- Yeah. Stan said they're having
them over for dinner tonight.
- Oh, God.
Poor Sharon.
Doesn't she know?
- Know what, ma?
- Muff cabbage!
- Never invite a New Jersey
housewife into your home.
- And so then I met
the school principal.
What's her name?
Principal Victoria!
What a stupid bitch!
I mean,
excuse my language,
but that bitch needs her
fucking head examined!
Yeah,
so my family and I moved
from Jersey to South Park
about a week ago.
So far, I can tell that everyone
here really likes me.
Oh, and I met, that
stotch woman, what's her name?
- Oh, Linda, uh-huh.
- Have you noticed how yellow
that bitch's teeth are?
You can tell that woman
is a piece of gahbage!
She's gahbage!
I went into the mall here
and I just about dropped dead.
The only panties
you can buy
makes you look like
you got a grandma muff!
- So, Randy, what gym's
are good around here?
Where do you work out?
- Oh,
I don't really work out.
- Well,
I gotta find somethin'.
My biceps are goin' flat!
- Where can you get
good clothes in this town?
Nowhere.
I mean,
that's why you're stuck
wearing gahbage
like that, right?
And the woman that works
the hair salon, Julia,
have you seen how big
that bitch's ears are?
- Oh, Julia's
a friend of mine, yeah.
- Ears out to here.
So I tell her,
"you got big ears, sweetie."
I'm not trying to be mean.
It's just a Jersey thing!
Why be offended?
I mean, you've got a big chin!
We've all got
imperfections!
- Right, just like your eyes
are kind of far apart.
- That was totally uncalled for,
for what she did.
My eyes are too far apart?
And like, who is she?
Is she God? No.
You don't ever, ever...
You whack job
prostitution whore!
You'd probably sell your muff
for $6.00!
You fucking psycho bitch!
Fuck you!
You're nothing but gahbage!
That's what you are.
You're gahbage!
You're sick, old woman
muff gahbage!
Muff gahbage!
Fuck this psycho bitch!
- Wow!
- Let's get the fuck
outta here!
She's a fucking pig!
She's fucking
pissing me off!
Okay, I love you.
- Take it easy.
- I love you. I thought
I was gonna deck her.
I was fine,
I was really fine.
I just wanted to get my point
across to her,
and then that's how I am.
Like I could be mad one minute,
and then I'll be fine.
Okay, all better.
Just had to get that out.
It's just...
It's a Jersey thing!
So who wants dessert?
Meeee!
- You guys
do not understand,
having neighbors from Jersey
is the worst.
All night long,
they keep me awake.
They're either
screaming at each other
or making some
disgusting sex sounds.
It seems like all people
from Jersey do
is hump
and punch each other.
- You know what you do when you
want a family to move away?
Every night, you go and take
a crap on their doorstep.
- Is that why there's crap
on my doorstep every morning?
- Oops!
Busted!
- They talk way too loud,
they flip out for no reason,
and every time they act like
selfish assholes,
they just go, "oh, it's a Jersey
thing, it's a Jersey thing."
- Hey!
You talkin' about Jersey?
Me and my friends
are from Jersey!
- Oh, crap.
There's more of them?
- Hey, come on!
There's people from Jersey
all over!
Who here is from Jersey?
- So I'm standing there,
and I'm like,
who's from Jersey?
And people are
all like, "yo! Whoo-hoo!"
Next thing you know?
Jersey party at sizzler.
- Yeah, let's get
this party started!
- Where the hell
are they coming from?
- Danielle is being
a stupid bitch!
- Shut up, Theresa.
You're pathetic.
- I'm pathetic?
You're muff gahbage!
Oh, Sharon!
Hi, sweetie!
You gotta meet
our new neighbors!
This is jacqueline.
She's from Jersey.
- And sicilian.
- That's Danielle.
She's from Jersey.
And that's Caroline.
- I'm having my face shaved.
It's a Jersey thing.
- I'm sorry, but I have other
clients in ten minutes.
Can you sit down?
- When the salon girl
told Theresa to sit down,
I thought Theresa
was gonna bust a tit.
- Don't you fucking
tell me what to do!
I'm a client here!
- Theresa!
Calm down!
- I don't have to take
your shit.
I'm from Jersey!
- Get her, Sharon!
- What?
- Sharon,
just stay out of it.
- Be the bigger person,
Sharon.
- You people are crazy.
- Who's crazy?
Are you talkin'
about my family?
Is my family crazy?
- Don't you pull
my friend's hair, you bitch!
- Let go of her,
you piece of trash.
- Who the fuck are you
to tell me what to do?
- All you trashy whores,
get the fuck out of here
and leave her alone!
- Psycho bitch!
- No,
you're a psycho bitch!
Psycho bitch!
Psycho bitch!
You wanna see
fucking crazy?
You better just step
the fuck away,
you wanna see fucking crazy!
- You're cabbage!
- Sheila?
- People of South Park,
we have all noticed
a steep rise
in everything Jersey lately.
As many of you already know,
everything east of the rockies
is now part of New Jersey.
The Jersey shore now includes
Jacksonville, Miami,
the Gulf of Jersey, Mexico,
and the Jersey islands.
- Jesus!
Why are they doing this?
- More people from Jersey
are showing up in our town.
If we don't do something,
South Park is going
to become west Jersey.
- Well, that does it!
Let's go tell
everyone from Jersey
we don't want them here!
All: Yeah!
- That won't work!
You can't just tell people
from Jersey you don't like them.
No matter
how obnoxious they are,
they will
convince themselves
that you all actually
think they're cool.
- How do you know that,
Mrs. broflovski?
- That's when I knew I had to
tell everyone the truth.
That originally,
I'm from Jersey.
Yes, born and raised.
I wasn't even called Sheila
back then.
In Jersey, I was known
as s-woww tittybang.
I drank heavily and punched
a lot of bitches in the face.
Living in South Park,
I'm able to control
the Jersey side of me,
which doesn't
really come out
unless I get around
other people from Jersey.
I'm just really hoping
that people here
don't judge me for it.
Or somehow, you know,
hold it against me.
- Sheila,
who are you talking to?
- You wouldn't understand.
It's a Jersey thing.
- You ain't gettin' by
that way, Kenny.
- Hey, dudes.
- Oh!
Well, well, well.
Look what the cat threw up
in the litter box.
Come on, guys, we don't want to
be seen hanging around him.
- What are you
talking about?
- Dude, we heard the news.
Your mom is from Jersey!
- So what?
- So what?
That makes you from Jersey!
- No, it doesn't!
- He's from Jersey,
you guys.
Let's just
get away from him.
- I'm not from Jersey.
I was born here!
- Don't try and deny it.
You're one of them, dude,
and by my accounts,
that's strike three!
- What's strike three?
- You're a ginger, a Jew,
and from Jersey.
Three strikes, Kyle!
You're out!
- Shut the fuck up!
What?
- Did you know your mom
was from Jersey?
- Why does it matter?
- No,
it just explains a lot.
- Oh, my God!
Kyle's even starting to look
like he's from Jersey!
His skin is turning orange!
- No, it isn't!
- Yes, it is!
It's getting oranger!
- Stop it, Cartman.
Just 'cause Kyle's mom
is a Jersey asshole
doesn't mean Kyle is.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You do what you want,
guys.
As for me?
Well, you're a heartless,
backstabbing Jersey boy, Kyle,
and I shant be
playing basketball
with the likes of you.
And I'm gonna start crappin'
on your doorstep a lot more.
- No, couldn't be.
Oh, my God.
- Kyle, you in there?
- Hold on!
Um, not right now!
- Kyle, open the door.
- Not now, mom, please!
- Kyle, this instant!
One, two...
- All right!
All right!
- I guess we need to talk.
I know this has to be
very upsetting for you, Kyle.
- What am I, mom?
- When I got pregnant with you,
Kyle, your father and I
were living with my parents
in Newark.
We knew we had to get out.
Neither one of us wanted
our child to be from Jersey.
So we moved as far away
as we could.
But now I realize, you can take
the fetus out of Jersey,
but you can't take Jersey
out of the fetus.
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying that
for the first two months
I carried you in my stomach,
I lived in Newark.
Technically,
you are from Jersey.
- No!
I don't want to
look like this!
- It isn't so bad, Kyle.
A lot of people think
the Jersey look is nice.
- Aaaaaaah!
- I can hide it!
Nobody ever has to know!
I can't ever
let anybody know!
- Live, from St. Louis,
New Jersey,
it's thejersey news,
with anchor men p-train
and tan jovi.
- What's up, New Jersey?
It's the evening news.
Our top story tonight...
Many Jersey people
are frickin' pissed
after a small town
in Colorado
got all aggro
on some decent Jersey folk.
For more on the story,
we go to Chicago.
- People here in Chicago,
New Jersey,
are riled up, p-train.
Apparently a town
called South Park,
which is at the border
of Denver, New Jersey,
is discriminating against
people from Jersey!
They won't sell houses
to people from Jersey,
and they're making all the ones
who moved in move out,
and they're taking down
all the Jersey-owned shops!
It's like these people
got a beef with Jersey.
What's up with that?
- What's up
with that?
- What's up with that?
- Well, we are comin'
after you, South Park!
We fight discrimination!
It's a Jersey thing!
- Please, governor,
you have to send your troops
to join us in this fight.
We're just a small town.
We can't stop New Jersey
on our own.
- We are very sorry,
but California cannot afford
helping you at this time.
- Can't you see that if
we fall to New Jersey,
California is next?
- No, because Utah is between
Colorado and California.
- Oh. Fine.
But when Utah gets taken over
by New Jersey, then who's next?
- Nevada.
- Oh, really? Well, okay,
Mr. "I'm awesome at geography."
- What the hell
are you guys doing?
- Trying to help. My dad says
to distribute all these guns.
- And we're just gonna let him
stand around here?
He's one of them,
he could easily be a spy!
- I told you, Cartman.
I'm not one of them.
I don't want to live in west
Jersey any more than you do!
- Overcompensating a little,
aren't we, Kyle?
- That's enough.
- Your blood is tainted
with the three js!
Jewish, Jersey,
and jinger! Admit it!
- Aaaaaaaah!
I'm not one of them!
Do you understand me?
You better get that
through your fat head!
I will never be one of them,
and if you say it again,
I swear to God, I'll smash
your fucking teeth in!
That hurt my throat because
he pushed it right here,
and then the back of my head
hit the tree.
It was... it was... there was bark
and it scratched it.
Did you see the scratch,
Kenny?
- Please,
emperor akishino,
we need Japan's help
to fight these people.
Fine, but you japs will all be
eating hoagies in a month!
That's it.
Nobody's gonna help us.
We're on our own.
- We can't take on
all of Jersey.
We have to find support!
- There is no support.
Every ally America had is...
Wait a minute.
Sometimes when a threat
is great enough,
you have to turn
to your enemies for help.
- What are you
talking about?
- We could ask Al-qaeda.
- Ask Al-qaeda for help?
After what they did to us?
- Maybe it's time we put
our differences aside
and forgive them.
- And what about the families
of the victims of 9/11?
Their feelings matter for
another ten months, damn it!
- Hey!
Hey, we got a problem!
You gotta get some people
down to the bar quick!
There's trouble!
- People from Jersey?
- I don't know
what the hell I saw.
- It tore a hole
in my meat locker.
Smashed the cigarette machine
in half.
- All right, come out now.
Make it easy on yourself.
- It's one of them!
That thing's
from Jersey too!
- What is it?
- It's called a snooki.
It's very famous.
- That thing is famous?
Why?
- I don't know!
- Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's kill it!
Snooki!
- Don't let it get away!
- Where is it?
- Who was that?
- Aah!
Get it off of me!
- Snooki smush!
- Shoot it!
- So then he grabs my throat,
right?
And he slams my head
into a tree,
and then he screams,
"I'll smash your teeth in."
My head is all, like,
gashed open!
- Kyle did that?
Gee whiz.
- I'm telling you, guys,
he's getting worse.
The Jersey in Kyle
is coming out.
I don't see
any other choice.
We have kidnap Kyle
and lock him in the meat freezer
at sizzler.
Hey, Kyle.
'Sup?
Kind of nice out tonight,
huh?
He has to be put away,
and he has to be put away now.
- Are you bein' serious?
- This is very serious,
butters!
- Yeah, but locking Kyle
in a meat freezer,
I mean, he could die.
- Well, if he does,
too bad.
Did you see that scratch
on my head?
Hey, Kyle.
Dude,
you smell raspberries?
I smell raspberries.
Huh.
We need to do this now.
At some point, he might start
suspecting something's up.
- Ustugh yur hamok umman.
- Hello, Mr. bin laden.
My name is Randy, and I'm
a geologist in America.
I know that America isn't your
favorite place in the world.
But gosh darn it,
we need your help.
As you may know, we are trying
to stop our entire country
from becoming New Jersey.
I believe that
if we do not succeed,
Jersey will spread to Japan,
Russia, and eventually to you.
I know you have seen
countless horrors
in your lifetime,
Mr. bin laden,
and that you have witnessed
the very worst of mankind.
Well, now
I ask you to watch this.
- Dj pauly delvecchio.
- All right,
we've got a situation.
- I'm the sweetest bitch
you'll ever meet.
- Aaaah!
Snooki want smush smush.
- Go, vinny!
Go, vinny!
- Come on, you guys,
hurry!
- Cartman, what the hell
are we doing at sizzler?
- I told you, guys.
You're not gonna believe it.
It's a miracle!
- What kind of
fucking miracle?
- Jesus answered our prayers,
you guys!
It's so cool.
It's right there
in the meat locker.
Kyle, go check it out.
- Why?
- Dude, go see why!
It's a Jesus miracle!
- You just wanna
lock me in there
because you think
I'm one of them.
- Nuh-uh.
Seriously. Nuh-uh.
- I'm not going in any meat
locker so you can trap me!
- Trap you? No, no, Kyle,
it's actually... lights!
Ha ha!
It's a trap, Kyle!
Get him
to the meat locker!
- Dude, what are you doing?
- Back away, guys.
This is for the safety
of all of us!
I'm sorry, Kyle,
but you can't be trusted.
- All right.
Fine, Cartman!
You really want me to go
in there, I'll...
Dude, Cartman,
what is that behind you?
- Kyle, do we really have to
resort to that?
- No, I'm serious,
what is that behind you?
- You ginger Jersey Jew,
your tactics don't work on me.
- Snooki want smush smush!
- Dude, what the fuck
is that thing behind me?
- Garrison, I think the
Jersey people are advancing.
Where's Randy?
- He's still questioning
that new prisoner!
- All right, Mr. situation,
we'll try this again.
Why are you people
doing this?
- But I told ya!
It's just a Jersey thing!
- What does that mean?
- You just don't understand.
It's just a Jersey thing!
- Stop playing stupid!
- Maybe he really is stupid,
Randy.
- Nobody's this stupid!
What are you people
planning?
- It's just a Jersey thing!
You know, you just gotta be
from Jersey to get it.
- Here they come!
- Is it them, Randy?
- Yep. They're from Jersey,
all right.
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Let's go!
- Yeah!
- Let's go creepin'
in this town!
- Don't you talk
about my family!
Don't you talk about
my family!
- This is where
we make our stand!
South Park will never be
west Jersey!
- Yeah!
- Fuck New Jersey!
- Keep shooting!
We're sick of you, Jersey!
Fuck off!
- Aah! Aah! Get it
off of me!
- Snooki want smush smush!
Get it off of me!
- We got to find a way
past it!
- What does it want?
- Sounds like
it wants smush smush!
- Smush smush!
Snooki want smush smush!
- No!
You guys, it's raping me!
It's raping me!
- Jesus Christ!
What the hell do we do?
- Oh, God!
Get out of here!
- Why?
- Aah! Agghh!
No!
Aaaaahhh!
Aaah! Aaaah!
Aaaaaaah! Aaaaah!
Uhhhhhhhhh!
- Dude.
- Get outta here,
ya piece a gahbage!
You wanna smush,
go creepin' somewheres else!
- Snooki get the smush
in the...
- You're gahbage!
You know that?
You're cabbage!
- Bah bah bah
bah bah bah bah!
Snooki bah bah bah!
- You got cabbage
in ya muff!
- You got cabbage
in your fucking muff!
Thank you, Kyle.
- That's the last of it!
We're out of ammo!
- Then we've got to start
falling back to Utah!
- What's the point?
Can't you see it's over?
- Who is that?
- It's Al-qaeda!
- Give 'em hell,
Al-qaeda!
- On a cold October night,
a small town in Colorado
stood up to New Jersey
and finally said,
"go away."
Our fortitude was
the inspiration for others,
and now New Jersey
is slowly receding
back to the desolate land
from whence it came.
Our country
is getting back to normal.
And we owe it all
to osama bin laden.
- Well, Kyle, looks like
you're totally back to normal.
- Yeah, the more distance
between me
and the others from Jersey,
the better I feel.
- Yeah, but you still
have it in you.
You saved my life, Kyle.
Deep down inside,
you're a monster,
but you're
my little monster.
- I just have one question,
Kyle.
At sizzler, when you were
yelling, "muff cabbage."
What's muff cabbage?
- It's a...
It's a Jersey thing.
- On this day,
let us all remember
that no people on this earth
are really enemies...
Only folks with differences.
- Tango is down.
Tango is down.
- We got him!