South Park (1997–…): Season 14, Episode 7 - Crippled Summer - full transcript
The boys stage an intervention for Towelie after he falls off the wagon while working at Timmy and Jimmy's summer camp. At the camp, a jealous camper resorts to dirty tricks to beat Jimmy in a series of competitions.
Encoded by NIT158
Hey, everybody!
How's it going?
I just can't seem to stop.
You goin' swimming?
Don't forget to bring a towel!
Get out of my face!
Get out of here!
My name is Towelie.
T-o-w-e-l...
y-e-y.
I'm great at cleaning up spills.
And I'm 100% machine washable.
I'm just an ordinary towel
in a lot of ways.
Except for one.
I'm addicted to marijuana.
And crystal meth.
And crack.
Anybody want their dick sucked?
Does anybody want
their dick sucked by a towel?
Towelie has become
a complete nightmare in our town.
He's broken into my house twice
and stolen my allowance.
I've got almost nothing left.
If we're playing outside,
he shows up completely wasted
and screaming
the government is after him.
I just don't want
to watch him kill himself!
I don't even know who he is anymore!
There's is no doubt in my mind
that if we don't get Towelie help,
our entire summer
is gonna be ruined.
Oh boy!
It's our favorite time of year!
We get to see
all our old friends again.
There's Francis!
Hey, Francis!
Look at Lenora, everyone.
Good job!
Come on.
Good job, Lenora!
All right, good.
Let's get Lenora a towel.
C'mon, where's the towel?
The towel isn't here.
I think it's off getting high again.
Where's that towel?
Just a sec!
We got Towelie a job,
so he could try and pays us back.
Stupid towel.
What's going on, towel?
Just had to take a piss.
Sorry.
We got wet campers down there.
Move your ass!
When Towelie is doing heroin,
he doesn't care about anything.
I don't care about anything.
Stupid handicap camp.
All right, blue team.
As team captain,
I need to make sure we're ready
for the big camp competition.
We're weady!
We can weawy stick it
to wed team this yew!
No way red team can beat us.
Red team won't know what hit them.
All right. Everyone together!
Are we gonna beat red team this year?
All right!
I can't stand him, Mimsy.
That Jimmy kid
makes my fucking skin crawl.
You've always hated him.
Ever since he whooped you
at soifin' last summer camp.
He really took it to ya good.
- Shut up, Mimsy.
- Sorry, boss.
Listen to me.
There is no way that blue team
will beat red team this year at camp.
You got that?
What we need to do,
is use a little brain power
to make sure
blue team can't compete.
Oh boy!
We'll ruin blue team's chances?
We'll break their legs?
Shut up!
Just do what I say
and we can make sure
Jimmy Valmer
gets what's comin' to him.
There ya go.
All better now?
Yes, thanks.
That's right, when you go swimmin',
don't forget to bring a...
Who hired that towel?
It can barely walk,
let alone dry somebody off.
You think you're better than me?
You think you're fucking hot shit?
When Towelie shoots heroin,
he just gets angry at everybody.
You can all suck it!
You're all a bunch of towels.
That's what you are!
The thing is,
Towelie was pretty happy before.
He had a girlfriend.
And she got pregnant
and had a little Washcloth.
But Towelie just kept
getting more and more high,
and he got kicked out of the house.
Fuck you!
Lemme talk to him.
Lemme talk to him, you bitch!
I'm not high!
I haven't been high since Wednesday.
It is Wednesday?
All right, campers!
Our first event
is the big canoe race.
Oh boy, the canoe race!
We gotta...
we gotta beat the red team!
I've got it.
I got a way to win the race
and get rid of Jimmy for good.
Oh boy!
What're we gonna do, boss?
Simple.
We're gonna put
a little surprise in the canoe.
What kind of a surprise?
It's a snake!
Not just any snake.
It's a black mamba.
Gee wiz, boss.
We'll kill all the blue team and Jimmy?
You boys excited for the canoe race?
Yes, counselor Steve.
I like duh fun canoe.
Canoes are fun, aren't they?
Take the black mamba
and put it in the canoe.
I'll go get our team ready.
All right, campers, are we ready?
Good luck, Jimmy.
You too, Nathan.
You're gonna need it,
you fucking asshole.
On your mark.
Get set.
Holy shit!
What the hell did you do?
You said ta put da black mamba
in the canoe!
Not in our canoe!
We crossed the finish line first!
We need a towel!
Just a sec!
Not just a sec.
We got a bunch of wet campers!
What's going on?
You owe me money, asshole!
That's it. We're done.
You are no longer employed here.
Please, sir.
We need a nice, clean towel
here at summer camp.
We don't need a towel that shoots
heroin and has sex for money!
Some people are so picky
about their towels.
Campers!
Next event
is the big scavenger hunt.
Blue team is gonna go first!
I finally got it.
I got a way we can kill Jimmy
and beat the blue team.
Oh boy!
What're we gonna do?
Simple. We're going to get Jimmy
killed by Native Americans.
Here take this.
It's a fake scavenger hunt map.
This map leads
to the scavenger hunt?
That map leads
to the Indian reservation.
We switch this with blue team's
scavenger hunting map,
and they'll end up right on
the Tardicaca Indian reservation.
Oh boy!
We'll get Jimmy killed by Indians?
Are you boys excited
for the neat scavenger hunt?
Yes, counselor Steve.
I like scavenger hunt.
All right.
Take this map to the reservation
and you switch it with blue team's.
You got that?
You switch the map. Switch the map.
I got it.
Switch the map! Switch the map!
How come we're scavenger huntin'?
Because, stupid,
now that we have blue team's map
we can get
their scavenger prize too.
Oh boy!
This doesn't make sense.
Why would they make us go this far?
We're handicapped.
Turn left at the...
Wait.
Wait a minute.
What the...
Fuck!
This is the map
to the Indian reservation!
Sure it is!
I told you to switch this
with the map for blue team!
You told me switch the map.
Switch the map.
So I switched it and I switched.
My name is Nathan.
I'm disabled.
Hey, everybody.
Let's all go
to the office supply store!
You must have one dusty computer.
Fuck you!
It's not illegal, bitch.
I feel like
I could conquer the world.
Towelie now inhales up to 2,000 cans
of computer duster a day.
It's like I'm walkin' on sunshine!
I really think this intervention
is Towelie's last chance.
Towelie!
Open the door!
Go away.
I'm walkin' on sunshine!
I gotta take you
somewhere really important.
Just let me walk
on the sunshine a little more.
All right.
In the surfing competition,
the red team
is up three points to two!
And now, it's Jimmy Valmer's turn!
Gee, I wish our team captain
was as awesome as Jimmy!
I finally got it.
I got a way we can get rid
of Jimmy once and for all.
Oh boy!
What'll we do to him?
Simple.
We'll get Jimmy eaten by a shark.
Here, take this.
It's a shark mating whistle.
Okay, a shark mating whistle!
- We'll hit him over the head wid it?
- No, you moron.
You go under the water
and blow that whistle.
You can attract sharks,
right as Jimmy starts to surf.
I got it!
I blow the whistle and make the shark
come and bite Jimmy's legs off!
Then he'll bleed ta deat!
He's gonna bleed ta deat!
Are you boys enjoying the fun beach?
Yes, counselor Steve.
The beach is warm.
Gee, dat was a close one, huh?
They almost hoid me sayin'
we was gonna kill Jimmy!
Shut up!
Just swim in the water where Jimmy is,
then blow that whistle.
Oh boy!
I dunno, Timmy.
Those waves are pretty big.
Don't worry,
Jimmy can handle himself!
Gonna catch a wave.
I got me a shark whistle!
Oh boy, here it comes!
Wait, look.
He's doing it!
Oh boy!
You didn't do what I told you!
Whatdya mean?
You said to swim and blow the whistle.
I swam in the water,
so now I gonna blow the whistle.
You fucking idiot!
You don't blow
a shark mating whistle on dry land!
You were supposed to blow it...
Get this thing off me!
Today is Towelie's intervention.
We have no idea how he's gonna react.
Come on, it's right over here.
What's going on?
You wanna have a seat
with your friends?
What is everybody doing here?
We've all just been talking.
What I'm hearing is a bunch of people
who just love the heck out of ya.
They'll say what they wanna say,
you'll say what you wanna say,
and we're done.
Towelie, over the past couple years,
I have seen drug addiction
affect you in the following ways...
Jesus, man!
Towelie, you need to let him finish.
You're not the towel you used to be.
Where as you used to be
fluffy and absorbent,
you now are crusty
and unable to absorb
the smallest amount of water.
Will you get help today?
I don't get this.
Towelie, over the past few months,
I've watched you go from an ancillary
character with amusing catch phrases
to a dried-out spewge-rag covered
in the jiz of a thousand older men.
Can we just end this?
You have to let him finish.
If you refuse treatment, I won't
give you more money or be your friend.
I will not help you kill yourself.
All right, Eric.
Do you want to go next?
Kyle, I hate you so much.
You are a liar and a swindler
who will do anything for money...
We're here for Towelie, fat ass!
I'm supposed
to be allowed to finish, right?
The Jews have been persecuted
across the earth for good reason.
You are a race
of beady-eyed thieves, who...
- This is serious, you fucking asshole!
- I'm being serious!
We have to let people
finish during interventions.
But he's just using
his time on television to...
Please, it is not your turn.
You are a race
of beady-eyed thieves,
who throughout the millennia,
have worked your way
into the dark cubbyholes of society.
Where did the Jews
first get their power
and how are they able
to manipulate our minds today?
My God!
It's a snap at Tardicaca Camp
to learn to do the hula hula dance
I fell in love with a Tardicaca dove
while doin' that funny funny dance
And that poor little kid...
Get ready.
Blue team is about to go boom.
So I made up my mind
that I've just got to find
the Tardicaca girl I did adore
A little Tardicaca
She's a candy cane to wiggle
She's sure to make you giggle
With her naughty little wiggle
I know some day
I'm gonna try to make
that Tardicaca gally mine gally mine
'cause all the while
I'm dreamin' of her
My Tardicaca Hula Gal
Sorry. That's not right.
Hang on.
I don't tink he's playin' da right note.
The C4 ain't gonna go off!
Shut up!
If in fact the Jews
truly are shapeshifters,
and I believe I have presented
enough evidence to prove it,
we must unite
as a species to fight them
and stop their plan
of global domination
and the control of our freedom.
You want to go next?
Towelie, if you do not go to treatment,
we will all ignore you forever.
Will you go?
What treatment?
What are you all talking about?
If you say yes, we leave here,
pack your things, get on a plane,
go to a facility in Southern California
that's all set up.
Fuck, no!
I'm not getting on a fucking plane!
This is bullshit!
Don't give me fucking ultimatums!
I thought
you were my fucking friends!
Your friends don't want
to watch you kill yourself anymore.
Then fuck them!
You're telling me I have to do this...
I'm not left with any decisions!
Towelie!
We aren't the only ones
who've been hurt by you!
Who are you talking about?
Washcloth?
You brought Washcloth?
That's low!
Out on the beach
with my dear little peach
where the waves rolling in so high
Dammit!
Go demand the ukulele solo.
It's our only chance!
Okay!
If you get in a pinch
go through it's a cinch
We want the ukulele solo!
We want da ukulele solo!
Sorry, I just can't remember it.
We wants ya to play it, don't we?
All right, maybe you can
show me how it's done.
It's real easy.
You just play like dis!
You idiot!
What are you doing?
I was gonna show him
how ta play the solo.
That does it.
I'm sick and tired of your stupidity!
You are the biggest idiot
I have ever met.
And from now on,
if I wanna do something,
I'm gonna do it myself!
Not the shark again!
Washcloth!
I'm so sorry!
He needs you to get better, please!
You got so many people
that just love the heck out of ya.
All right!
I'll go!
You will?
I don't want to hurt
Washcloth anymore!
He's going, everybody!
Come on! Hugs!
Poor wed team.
Their Captain weawy got waped.
I never seen a kid
get screwed by a shark before.
I hope I never see it again.
Nathan, your team put up
an amazing fight.
Even though I was crowned
king of the camp,
I want you to know that you
were the real champ.
I hate you.
I fucking hate you
with everything in my entire being.
You sure got it
stuck it to ya this year!
Shut up...
- Hi, Towelie?
- Yeah, hi.
Towelie is definitely one of the most
addicted towels we've ever seen here.
He's the second most psychologically
damaged towel I've come across
since treating Kirstie Alley's towel,
which had seen...
some nasty stuff.
I don't know
what tomorrow's gonna bring.
But I'm learning to love what I am.
I'm a towel.
384
00:21:32,716 --> 00:21:36,845
Hey, everybody!
How's it going?
I just can't seem to stop.
You goin' swimming?
Don't forget to bring a towel!
Get out of my face!
Get out of here!
My name is Towelie.
T-o-w-e-l...
y-e-y.
I'm great at cleaning up spills.
And I'm 100% machine washable.
I'm just an ordinary towel
in a lot of ways.
Except for one.
I'm addicted to marijuana.
And crystal meth.
And crack.
Anybody want their dick sucked?
Does anybody want
their dick sucked by a towel?
Towelie has become
a complete nightmare in our town.
He's broken into my house twice
and stolen my allowance.
I've got almost nothing left.
If we're playing outside,
he shows up completely wasted
and screaming
the government is after him.
I just don't want
to watch him kill himself!
I don't even know who he is anymore!
There's is no doubt in my mind
that if we don't get Towelie help,
our entire summer
is gonna be ruined.
Oh boy!
It's our favorite time of year!
We get to see
all our old friends again.
There's Francis!
Hey, Francis!
Look at Lenora, everyone.
Good job!
Come on.
Good job, Lenora!
All right, good.
Let's get Lenora a towel.
C'mon, where's the towel?
The towel isn't here.
I think it's off getting high again.
Where's that towel?
Just a sec!
We got Towelie a job,
so he could try and pays us back.
Stupid towel.
What's going on, towel?
Just had to take a piss.
Sorry.
We got wet campers down there.
Move your ass!
When Towelie is doing heroin,
he doesn't care about anything.
I don't care about anything.
Stupid handicap camp.
All right, blue team.
As team captain,
I need to make sure we're ready
for the big camp competition.
We're weady!
We can weawy stick it
to wed team this yew!
No way red team can beat us.
Red team won't know what hit them.
All right. Everyone together!
Are we gonna beat red team this year?
All right!
I can't stand him, Mimsy.
That Jimmy kid
makes my fucking skin crawl.
You've always hated him.
Ever since he whooped you
at soifin' last summer camp.
He really took it to ya good.
- Shut up, Mimsy.
- Sorry, boss.
Listen to me.
There is no way that blue team
will beat red team this year at camp.
You got that?
What we need to do,
is use a little brain power
to make sure
blue team can't compete.
Oh boy!
We'll ruin blue team's chances?
We'll break their legs?
Shut up!
Just do what I say
and we can make sure
Jimmy Valmer
gets what's comin' to him.
There ya go.
All better now?
Yes, thanks.
That's right, when you go swimmin',
don't forget to bring a...
Who hired that towel?
It can barely walk,
let alone dry somebody off.
You think you're better than me?
You think you're fucking hot shit?
When Towelie shoots heroin,
he just gets angry at everybody.
You can all suck it!
You're all a bunch of towels.
That's what you are!
The thing is,
Towelie was pretty happy before.
He had a girlfriend.
And she got pregnant
and had a little Washcloth.
But Towelie just kept
getting more and more high,
and he got kicked out of the house.
Fuck you!
Lemme talk to him.
Lemme talk to him, you bitch!
I'm not high!
I haven't been high since Wednesday.
It is Wednesday?
All right, campers!
Our first event
is the big canoe race.
Oh boy, the canoe race!
We gotta...
we gotta beat the red team!
I've got it.
I got a way to win the race
and get rid of Jimmy for good.
Oh boy!
What're we gonna do, boss?
Simple.
We're gonna put
a little surprise in the canoe.
What kind of a surprise?
It's a snake!
Not just any snake.
It's a black mamba.
Gee wiz, boss.
We'll kill all the blue team and Jimmy?
You boys excited for the canoe race?
Yes, counselor Steve.
I like duh fun canoe.
Canoes are fun, aren't they?
Take the black mamba
and put it in the canoe.
I'll go get our team ready.
All right, campers, are we ready?
Good luck, Jimmy.
You too, Nathan.
You're gonna need it,
you fucking asshole.
On your mark.
Get set.
Holy shit!
What the hell did you do?
You said ta put da black mamba
in the canoe!
Not in our canoe!
We crossed the finish line first!
We need a towel!
Just a sec!
Not just a sec.
We got a bunch of wet campers!
What's going on?
You owe me money, asshole!
That's it. We're done.
You are no longer employed here.
Please, sir.
We need a nice, clean towel
here at summer camp.
We don't need a towel that shoots
heroin and has sex for money!
Some people are so picky
about their towels.
Campers!
Next event
is the big scavenger hunt.
Blue team is gonna go first!
I finally got it.
I got a way we can kill Jimmy
and beat the blue team.
Oh boy!
What're we gonna do?
Simple. We're going to get Jimmy
killed by Native Americans.
Here take this.
It's a fake scavenger hunt map.
This map leads
to the scavenger hunt?
That map leads
to the Indian reservation.
We switch this with blue team's
scavenger hunting map,
and they'll end up right on
the Tardicaca Indian reservation.
Oh boy!
We'll get Jimmy killed by Indians?
Are you boys excited
for the neat scavenger hunt?
Yes, counselor Steve.
I like scavenger hunt.
All right.
Take this map to the reservation
and you switch it with blue team's.
You got that?
You switch the map. Switch the map.
I got it.
Switch the map! Switch the map!
How come we're scavenger huntin'?
Because, stupid,
now that we have blue team's map
we can get
their scavenger prize too.
Oh boy!
This doesn't make sense.
Why would they make us go this far?
We're handicapped.
Turn left at the...
Wait.
Wait a minute.
What the...
Fuck!
This is the map
to the Indian reservation!
Sure it is!
I told you to switch this
with the map for blue team!
You told me switch the map.
Switch the map.
So I switched it and I switched.
My name is Nathan.
I'm disabled.
Hey, everybody.
Let's all go
to the office supply store!
You must have one dusty computer.
Fuck you!
It's not illegal, bitch.
I feel like
I could conquer the world.
Towelie now inhales up to 2,000 cans
of computer duster a day.
It's like I'm walkin' on sunshine!
I really think this intervention
is Towelie's last chance.
Towelie!
Open the door!
Go away.
I'm walkin' on sunshine!
I gotta take you
somewhere really important.
Just let me walk
on the sunshine a little more.
All right.
In the surfing competition,
the red team
is up three points to two!
And now, it's Jimmy Valmer's turn!
Gee, I wish our team captain
was as awesome as Jimmy!
I finally got it.
I got a way we can get rid
of Jimmy once and for all.
Oh boy!
What'll we do to him?
Simple.
We'll get Jimmy eaten by a shark.
Here, take this.
It's a shark mating whistle.
Okay, a shark mating whistle!
- We'll hit him over the head wid it?
- No, you moron.
You go under the water
and blow that whistle.
You can attract sharks,
right as Jimmy starts to surf.
I got it!
I blow the whistle and make the shark
come and bite Jimmy's legs off!
Then he'll bleed ta deat!
He's gonna bleed ta deat!
Are you boys enjoying the fun beach?
Yes, counselor Steve.
The beach is warm.
Gee, dat was a close one, huh?
They almost hoid me sayin'
we was gonna kill Jimmy!
Shut up!
Just swim in the water where Jimmy is,
then blow that whistle.
Oh boy!
I dunno, Timmy.
Those waves are pretty big.
Don't worry,
Jimmy can handle himself!
Gonna catch a wave.
I got me a shark whistle!
Oh boy, here it comes!
Wait, look.
He's doing it!
Oh boy!
You didn't do what I told you!
Whatdya mean?
You said to swim and blow the whistle.
I swam in the water,
so now I gonna blow the whistle.
You fucking idiot!
You don't blow
a shark mating whistle on dry land!
You were supposed to blow it...
Get this thing off me!
Today is Towelie's intervention.
We have no idea how he's gonna react.
Come on, it's right over here.
What's going on?
You wanna have a seat
with your friends?
What is everybody doing here?
We've all just been talking.
What I'm hearing is a bunch of people
who just love the heck out of ya.
They'll say what they wanna say,
you'll say what you wanna say,
and we're done.
Towelie, over the past couple years,
I have seen drug addiction
affect you in the following ways...
Jesus, man!
Towelie, you need to let him finish.
You're not the towel you used to be.
Where as you used to be
fluffy and absorbent,
you now are crusty
and unable to absorb
the smallest amount of water.
Will you get help today?
I don't get this.
Towelie, over the past few months,
I've watched you go from an ancillary
character with amusing catch phrases
to a dried-out spewge-rag covered
in the jiz of a thousand older men.
Can we just end this?
You have to let him finish.
If you refuse treatment, I won't
give you more money or be your friend.
I will not help you kill yourself.
All right, Eric.
Do you want to go next?
Kyle, I hate you so much.
You are a liar and a swindler
who will do anything for money...
We're here for Towelie, fat ass!
I'm supposed
to be allowed to finish, right?
The Jews have been persecuted
across the earth for good reason.
You are a race
of beady-eyed thieves, who...
- This is serious, you fucking asshole!
- I'm being serious!
We have to let people
finish during interventions.
But he's just using
his time on television to...
Please, it is not your turn.
You are a race
of beady-eyed thieves,
who throughout the millennia,
have worked your way
into the dark cubbyholes of society.
Where did the Jews
first get their power
and how are they able
to manipulate our minds today?
My God!
It's a snap at Tardicaca Camp
to learn to do the hula hula dance
I fell in love with a Tardicaca dove
while doin' that funny funny dance
And that poor little kid...
Get ready.
Blue team is about to go boom.
So I made up my mind
that I've just got to find
the Tardicaca girl I did adore
A little Tardicaca
She's a candy cane to wiggle
She's sure to make you giggle
With her naughty little wiggle
I know some day
I'm gonna try to make
that Tardicaca gally mine gally mine
'cause all the while
I'm dreamin' of her
My Tardicaca Hula Gal
Sorry. That's not right.
Hang on.
I don't tink he's playin' da right note.
The C4 ain't gonna go off!
Shut up!
If in fact the Jews
truly are shapeshifters,
and I believe I have presented
enough evidence to prove it,
we must unite
as a species to fight them
and stop their plan
of global domination
and the control of our freedom.
You want to go next?
Towelie, if you do not go to treatment,
we will all ignore you forever.
Will you go?
What treatment?
What are you all talking about?
If you say yes, we leave here,
pack your things, get on a plane,
go to a facility in Southern California
that's all set up.
Fuck, no!
I'm not getting on a fucking plane!
This is bullshit!
Don't give me fucking ultimatums!
I thought
you were my fucking friends!
Your friends don't want
to watch you kill yourself anymore.
Then fuck them!
You're telling me I have to do this...
I'm not left with any decisions!
Towelie!
We aren't the only ones
who've been hurt by you!
Who are you talking about?
Washcloth?
You brought Washcloth?
That's low!
Out on the beach
with my dear little peach
where the waves rolling in so high
Dammit!
Go demand the ukulele solo.
It's our only chance!
Okay!
If you get in a pinch
go through it's a cinch
We want the ukulele solo!
We want da ukulele solo!
Sorry, I just can't remember it.
We wants ya to play it, don't we?
All right, maybe you can
show me how it's done.
It's real easy.
You just play like dis!
You idiot!
What are you doing?
I was gonna show him
how ta play the solo.
That does it.
I'm sick and tired of your stupidity!
You are the biggest idiot
I have ever met.
And from now on,
if I wanna do something,
I'm gonna do it myself!
Not the shark again!
Washcloth!
I'm so sorry!
He needs you to get better, please!
You got so many people
that just love the heck out of ya.
All right!
I'll go!
You will?
I don't want to hurt
Washcloth anymore!
He's going, everybody!
Come on! Hugs!
Poor wed team.
Their Captain weawy got waped.
I never seen a kid
get screwed by a shark before.
I hope I never see it again.
Nathan, your team put up
an amazing fight.
Even though I was crowned
king of the camp,
I want you to know that you
were the real champ.
I hate you.
I fucking hate you
with everything in my entire being.
You sure got it
stuck it to ya this year!
Shut up...
- Hi, Towelie?
- Yeah, hi.
Towelie is definitely one of the most
addicted towels we've ever seen here.
He's the second most psychologically
damaged towel I've come across
since treating Kirstie Alley's towel,
which had seen...
some nasty stuff.
I don't know
what tomorrow's gonna bring.
But I'm learning to love what I am.
I'm a towel.
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