South Park (1997–…): Season 14, Episode 5 - 200 - full transcript
Tom Cruise gathers other celebrities mocked by South Park and threatens a class action lawsuit unless the town brings Mohammed to them, so that they can obtain his powers not to be ridiculed.
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna have myself a time #
# friendly faces everywhere #
# humble folks
without temptation #
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna leave my woes behind #
# ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor #
# headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind #
# come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine #
- Our factory works 24/7
to produce candy,
and we have over
500 employees.
Here you can see where
the cocoa is mixed
with the sugar and milk.
- Wow, cool!
Chocolate rules.
- You should know, fat ass.
- Ay! I'm not fat,
you sneaky Jew!
- Oh, God, you guys, really?
This again?
- And here is where
all the fudge is put into boxes
to be shipped
all over the world.
- Kinda like Cartman's dad
shipped out on him.
- I have a dad, butthole.
My mom is my dad.
- You guys, stop.
All you're doing is rehashing
a bunch of old stuff.
- Hey Stan,
isn't that tom cruise?
- Huh?
Oh, wow, it is.
Hey guys, check it out.
Tom cruise is a fudge packer.
- What did you call me?
- Hey, that is tom cruise.
- How come you're
packin' fudge, Mr. cruise?
- I'm not a fudge packer!
- Dude, you don't have
to be ashamed or anything.
- But I'm not a fudge packer!
- Then why are you
packing fudge?
- I'm not.
I'm a very busy actor!
I'm just here trying
to get away for a weekend
and do some fly-fishing!
- Dude, you are in a fudge
factory packing fudge.
- Oh, that does it.
I will sue you!
- For what?
- You can't just call somebody
a fudge packer
and get away with it.
- Hey, is that fudge packer
tom cruise?
- That's it!
I'm suing this entire
intolerant town!
- But dude--
- no buts!
You wanna accuse somebody
of being a fudge packer,
you're gonna pay
the consequences!
Guys, I wanna really
thank you all for coming.
Shockingly, I've just
been slandered once again
in the town of South Park,
something I know
you all can relate to.
- Sure can.
- That damn town.
- I can't believe it.
- That town just seems to be
a hotbed of hatred and lies.
- I'm fed up with it.
That town suggested
I was made of shit.
- Yeah, well, I was just over
there doing some fly-fishing,
and this little boy walks up
and calls me a fudge packer.
- Oh, man!
- That's crazy!
- Crazy!
- I know, right?
And then other kids
in the town
and their teacher
start joining in.
- South Park, Colorado
is the most insensitive,
racist, and bigoted place
in this country.
- That town thinks they can say
whatever they want about people
and get away with it.
- If anybody has a gripe against
that shithole, it's me.
- Yeah, well, I say enough.
All of us together can put
a stop to the slander
coming from that town
once and for all.
No longer will they make snide
remarks about whoever they want.
Aii: Yeah!
- Hey, tom,
I ate too much subway.
Where's your bathroom?
- Oh, just the door
down the hall there, Jared.
No, no, that's a closet.
Go down more.
No, that's a closet too.
No, Jared,
that one's a closet.
No.
That's a closet.
No, that's a closet.
- Stan marsh
to the principal's office.
Stan marsh, come to the
principal's office immediately.
- Dude, What'd you do?
- I have no idea.
- You just had to push it,
didn't you, Stan?
You just had to make fun
of tom cruise again!
- Did you call him
a fudge packer?
- Aw, he was packing fudge!
- Little boy, you don't
understand how serious this is.
Tom cruise has put together
a class action lawsuit
along with
200 other celebrities!
- They're going
to sue the bejesus
out of this entire
town, mm-kay?
- It wasn't just me.
Other kids called him
a fudge packer,
even Mr. Garrison.
- But you started it.
Mr. broflovski,
tell him what you told us.
- Stan, a class action lawsuit
means the end of this town.
We can't possibly go
up against their lawyers.
- Damn it, marsh,
why couldn't you have just
kept your stupid,
ugly kid in line?
- Hey, don't start blaming me
for his looks!
Mr. cruise,
my son is so, so sorry,
and he would do anything to
take back his hurtful comments.
- That's nice.
I'm still suing you all.
Nobody calls me a fudge packer.
- Yes, it was
a terrible mistake.
But maybe you could see how--
since you do take fudge
and pack it into a box...
- What?
- Well, I'm just saying that
you are employed currently
as a person who packages--
- I'm an actor!
I do not pack fudge.
- Right.
My son just got confused,
because you have
a little uniform
and a hat that says
"Fred's fudge and candies."
And you are--
look, it doesn't matter.
Just please withdraw
the class action lawsuit.
Nobody in our town will ever
call you a fudge packer again.
There is one thing
that your town could do
to maybe make me
forget about this lawsuit.
- Anything.
Anything you want, Mr. cruise.
- It's just that
there's somebody
I've always wanted to meet,
face-to-face.
If you could get him to
show up in your town--
- sure!
Who is it?
We can get anybody
for you.
- Muhammad,
the prophet of the Muslim faith.
- Oooh.
- That's tricky.
- Well, then,
you can just get sued!
- Mr. cruise,
if there's anybody else
we could try and bring to town,
we could--
- no! Just him!
You get Muhammad
to appear in South Park
or your little town
is done.
- Okay, people,
I know, I know.
But he will get
the other celebrities
to withdraw their lawsuit
if we just get Muhammad
to appear in South Park.
- Are you nuts?
If Muhammad appears in
South Park, we get bombed.
- Yeah!
- That's right!
- You tell 'em.
- We don't know that.
Maybe enough time has passed
that now it's okay
to show Muhammad.
- Dude, I can't believe
we are dealing with
this Muhammad thing again.
- But even if it were safe now
for Muhammad to come,
how would we ever find him?
- Yeah,
showing an image of him
is completely off-limits
and censored,
so nobody has ever seen
what Muhammad looks like.
- I saw him once.
- You did?
- Yeah, a while ago my friends
joined David Blaine's cult.
I had to go to the super best
friends to rescue them.
Muhammad was one of
the super best friends.
- Oh, and what, and
he was just out in the open
where everyone could see him,
and nobody got bombed?
- No, dude,
it was totally fine.
- Muhammad showed up and
there was no violence at all?
- Well, a giant John wilkes
booth shot Abraham Lincoln--
- all right, Stan,
that's enough.
Jesus, you can't learn
to shut up, can you?
Now, look, I believe
we can find Muhammad.
I've done a lot of research,
and I've completed a sketch
of what Muhammad
could look like today.
- No, don't!
Is that okay to show?
- I don't know.
I guess we'll see.
- Tom, what is up
with this Muhammad thing?
It doesn't make sense.
- Yeah, you said we were
just suing South Park.
- No, I said we were
going to use South Park
to make sure we
never got ripped on again.
Look, people, all of us
get ridiculed,
but who is the one person
on this earth
that is completely
free from slander?
- You want Muhammad
because he can't be ridiculed?
- Muhammad has a power
that makes him impervious
to being made fun of.
What if we could
harness that power?
Jimmy buffett.
How would you like it if nobody
could call your music
drunken
frat boy monkey garbage?
- I'd love it.
- By taking what Muhammad has,
we would all
be safe from ridicule.
Like Tim Burton here.
Imagine it, Tim,
nobody could rip on you
for all the rehashed movies
you've made lately.
There'd never be
a TV show that pointed out
you haven't had an original
thought since beetlejuice
and you put Johnny depp
and the same crappy music
in every film,
and if you're
that in love with Johnny depp
you should just
have sex with him already.
A TV show
could never say that!
- Gee, that'd be swell.
- Well, it can be a reality.
Once we have Muhammad,
we can take his power from him.
- Excuse me.
This is the home
of tom cruise, right?
- Hey, it's one of
the kids from South Park
that slandered me.
- I didn't come
for myself.
I'm just an escort
for another celebrity
who wants to get in
on your lawsuit.
- Who?
- Allo!
- Jennifer Lopez!
- Hey Jen!
- Oh, wow!
- Yes,
I am Jennifer Lopez,
and I like
tacos and burritos!
- In the great hall
of the super best friends,
there are assembled
the leaders of the world's
biggest religions.
Jesus!
Buddha!
Krishna!
Muhammad!
Lao tzu and Joseph Smith!
And the mighty semen!
- It's not semen.
It's sea man!
Their mission...
To right
that which is wrong
and to serve all mankind.
- Jesus, all we are
asking to do
is bring Muhammad to our
town for like an hour.
- My son, much has changed
since you were last here.
Muhammad cannot
make public appearances.
- We simply cannot risk any
violence from the Muslim people.
- Aw, not you guys too!
Jesus fucking Christ!
- Later at the hall
of the super best friends.
- Okay, will you let
Muhammad come to South Park
if we dress him up
like a pirate?
- No, muslims
would still be angry
if you showed his face.
- Okay.
What if we cover his face
with a paper bag?
- No, because you'd
still be showing him
walking around.
That could be the trouble.
- Okay.
A suit of armor.
We just have Muhammad
in a suit of armor
so you can't see anything.
- But it's still Muhammad
walking around
in human form.
- Aw, come on!
This is ridiculous!
- Boys,
you need to understand
that people get very offended
when Muhammad is mocked
because he is
a religious figure.
- Buddha, don't do coke
in front of kids!
- A u-haul.
What if we bring Muhammad
to South Park
in the back of a u-haul,
and he just stays
in there out of sight?
- But he's talking
from the u-haul?
- Well, yeah,
he's gotta talk
or nobody
knows he's in there!
- Hearing his voice,
I dunno.
What do you think, Moses?
- Um...
Would there be windows
on the u-haul?
- There doesn't have to be.
- Um...I guess.
I guess that would be okay.
- Here it is, friends.
Once we have Muhammad,
this machine
will give us his power
to not be made fun of.
- Tom, tom,
you're talking crazy, mate.
Only Muhammad
has that ability.
How could we
ever get it from him?
- We take his goo.
It's as simple as that,
people.
- Rob reiner has been
telling me about the goo
which is inside
every person on earth.
- Any goo can be harvested
from a person's body
and easily
placed into another.
- Wait, you mean
we aren't gonna sue
and get a bunch of money?
- No, Jen,
we've all got enough money.
- Yes, who needs more money?
We need to get Muhammad's goo!
Yes, yes, arriba, arriba!
- Uh, excuse us for a second.
All right,
just what the hell
do you think you're doing?
- What am I doing?
Just having some fun, cholo.
- Cut the crap.
I thought we were here
for lawsuit money.
- Just keep your mouth shut
and do what I tell you.
- If we're staying here,
then I want to know
what's going on.
Don't forget,
I know who you really are.
Mitch Conner.
- If you know
what's good for you,
you'll keep
your mouth shut, kid.
- You're a no-good swindler
and a two-bit thief.
We were here for money,
not goo.
- Think about it.
Muhammad is
the only person in the world
that can't get ripped on.
Those celebrities
want his goo.
- Yeah, so what?
- You know what that goo
is worth on the open market?
Hell, I got
people in Hong Kong
would give me 50 mil
for that goo.
- So we let them
take it from Muhammad,
then we steal it
for ourselves.
- You catch on quick, kid.
- Mrs. Lopez?
- Someone's coming.
Get my wig back on.
- Hey, I was just
seeing if you needed some--
oh God, you found
my fudge packing uniform.
- Oh, your secret
is safe with me, Tommy.
- Boys, we are so sorry
for doubting you.
You really did
bring us Muhammad.
- Thank you so much
for coming, Muhammad.
- Welcome.
- Ooh, is that okay?
- I don't know.
- All right, now we just need to
figure out how to get Muhammad
from the back of the truck
into tom cruise's limo.
- What?
No, dad, we promised Muhammad
would stay in the truck.
- Cruise's lawyers
were very specific, boys.
He's sending a limo for Muhammad
to meet him outside of town.
- But Muhammad
can't be seen, dad.
- All right.
We'll put a sheet over him.
- No, you can't even
show his feet.
- How about
a Halloween costume
with one of
those plastic masks?
- No, you could
still see his eyes.
- Okay. How about, like,
a big mascot outfit?
One that covered him
completely head to toe,
not even showing his eyes.
- Muhammad,
would that be okay?
- Okay.
- Tom, rob!
We've just received word
from the lawyers.
South Park is saying
they have Muhammad for us.
- Rob, will
the machine be ready?
- Oh, it'll be ready.
- More tacos.
I want more tacos.
- No!
No more tacos, miss Lopez!
- More tacos.
- You just had seven tacos.
- I want more tacos.
- I'm sorry.
Why are you doing this?
- I am Jennifer Lopez.
I need tacos to live.
- You know goddamn well
you're not
really Jennifer Lopez.
Now, stop pissing me off.
- Miss Lopez,
I can go.
What do you want,
like three tacos?
- Oh, thank you,
'harlie sheen.
And maybe an enchirito too?
- Aw, Jesus, they don't
even make enchiritos anymore.
- Yes, they do.
- No, I tried
getting one last week.
- Not all tacos bells
have enchiritos,
but some still carry them.
- God, will somebody
shut her up?
- All right,
the limo's here.
Muhammad, thanks again
for doing this.
- You've done this town
a huge favor, Muhammad.
- Hold on a second!
Stop!
There are some
extremists threatening
that if we give Muhammad
to the celebrities,
they're gonna bomb us!
- What?
- Oh, it's
just a stupid threat.
Come on, we don't wanna
piss off tom cruise again.
- All right,
we got him, tom!
- Muhammad.
Are you okay?
- What the hell was that?
- Obviously the terrorists
are for real.
What does that paper say?
"We have placed bombs
all over your city.
"You will
give Muhammad to us.
"Celebrities want Muhammad
"for his power
not to be ridiculed.
We want that power.
Hazaa."
- They want his power?
- What kind of
extremists are these?
- You won't believe it.
- Our time is near!
Soon gingers will never
be made fun of again!
Aii: Hazaaaaaa!
- Where the hell
do you think you're going?
- I'm through with your
stupid plans, Conner.
I've got better things
to do with my time.
- You're gonna walk away
from 50 mil?
- Let me by.
- You walk away now,
and you'll regret it
the rest of your life.
- Screw this, Conner.
Find yourself another partner.
- Then I guess I won't
tell you about your father.
- My father?
- Thought that might
get your attention.
You know nothing
about your dad, right?
- I know enough.
My mother is a hermaphrodite.
So she is actually my father.
- You really still
believe that garbage?
The people in your town
sold you that line.
Come on, you've had to
have doubted it all along.
- How would you know anything
about who my family is?
I know all about
the swindles and schemes
in this dead end town.
You got lied to, kid,
by the people
who were closest to you.
I can prove it, too.
But I'm gonna want
something in return.
- If you're making this up
to keep me around, Conner,
then you better--
- you just take me
where I tell you.
And when you learn the truth,
you'll learn to trust me.
And nobody else.
- Okay, people, try to
evacuate in an orderly fashion.
Jeez.
- Mayor, we do not
have the resources
to deal
with this situation.
A full evacuation
is impossible.
- Jesus Christ,
what are we supposed to do?
- We have to
give in to their demands.
- I'm sorry, Muhammad,
but we're going to have
to give you over
to the gingers.
- We can't hand him
over to the gingers.
- Yeah, we said
we'd take care of him.
- But our homes and lives
are at stake.
- We made a promise
to Jesus.
- Stan, Jesus doesn't matter
when Muhammad is involved.
- That'll be tom cruise.
- Hello?
- Yeah,
so what's going on?
- I'm afraid we can't
give Muhammad to you.
- What do ya mean,
you're not giving him to us?
- There are these
ginger fundamentalists
saying if we don't
give Muhammad to them
they're gonna bomb us.
- Gingers?
- Gingers.
Aw, hell no.
- Please understand
that we have
no choice here, Mr. cruise.
- You're gonna give Muhammad
to gingers instead of us
just because they are
threatening you with violence?
- Well, yeah.
- Oh, we can play
that game too.
You wanna see violence?
You got it.
Goddamn stupid assholes.
They wanna play rough?
Okay. Spielberg, go and get
some automatic rifles.
We'll go in there
and we're gonna
take Muhammad by force,
and we're gonna show 'em--
- tom. Tom.
We can't be
seen getting violent.
- Yeah, that would
kill all our careers.
- But the only way
we're gonna get Muhammad now
is by getting
just as violent
with South Park
as the gingers.
- Fine.
Then let's have her do it.
- Her who?
- You know, her.
- Oh, right, her.
- There she is, tom...
Barbra Streisand.
- My God, she's even more
terrifying than I remembered.
- Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't
been active for a long time.
Are we sure we wanna do this?
- Mrs. Streisand
was blown apart
in the town of South Park.
She's probably more angry
at that town than any of us.
- Power her up.
Release the kiken.
- Bar-boora.
Barrr-boora.
Ichiban kirai na hito.
Bar-boora, bar-boora.
Hana ga ookii.
- Hey, Barbra.
It's me, rob reiner.
- Listen, babs.
We're taking on
the town of South Park,
and we really
need your help.
- We figured you're pissed off
at South Park too,
right, Mrs. Streisand?
- Oh, she's pissed,
all right.
- Eric?
What are you doing here?
- Did you all lie to me?
All of you,
in that room?
When you told me
my mother was my father.
- What?
No, Eric.
Are you still worried about
that ol' issue, I mean--
- I don't trust you.
I want to talk to Mr. hat.
- Eric, I haven't used
Mr. hat in a long time, and--
- I said get Mr. hat.
Put it on.
Do the voice.
- Hello, kids.
It's me, Mr. hat.
- Good to see you, hat.
Hell of a night, isn't it?
- I--
I don't believe I know you.
- The name's Mitch Conner.
Flew the same division
as you back in Saigon.
- Eric, this is silly.
Why don't we just stop--
- keep your hand up.
- All right, gingers.
We have Muhammad for you.
Now, hand over
the detonators.
- Nuh-uh.
First you gotta prove
that's still Muhammad in there.
Have him step
out of the bear costume.
Aii: Ooh.
- Dude,
we can't do that.
- Show us it's Muhammad,
or South Park is finished.
- Damn it, Mitch.
You're asking questions
that shouldn't be answered.
- So you admit it.
There was a cover-up.
- No, Mr. hat,
don't say any more.
- Yeah.
Tell him what you know.
- All right, Eric.
Your father was in the room
the day of your DNA test.
But the results
were tampered with.
- By who?
God damn it, Garrison.
Who is my father?
down to South Park #
# gonna have myself a time #
# friendly faces everywhere #
# humble folks
without temptation #
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna leave my woes behind #
# ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor #
# headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind #
# come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine #
- Our factory works 24/7
to produce candy,
and we have over
500 employees.
Here you can see where
the cocoa is mixed
with the sugar and milk.
- Wow, cool!
Chocolate rules.
- You should know, fat ass.
- Ay! I'm not fat,
you sneaky Jew!
- Oh, God, you guys, really?
This again?
- And here is where
all the fudge is put into boxes
to be shipped
all over the world.
- Kinda like Cartman's dad
shipped out on him.
- I have a dad, butthole.
My mom is my dad.
- You guys, stop.
All you're doing is rehashing
a bunch of old stuff.
- Hey Stan,
isn't that tom cruise?
- Huh?
Oh, wow, it is.
Hey guys, check it out.
Tom cruise is a fudge packer.
- What did you call me?
- Hey, that is tom cruise.
- How come you're
packin' fudge, Mr. cruise?
- I'm not a fudge packer!
- Dude, you don't have
to be ashamed or anything.
- But I'm not a fudge packer!
- Then why are you
packing fudge?
- I'm not.
I'm a very busy actor!
I'm just here trying
to get away for a weekend
and do some fly-fishing!
- Dude, you are in a fudge
factory packing fudge.
- Oh, that does it.
I will sue you!
- For what?
- You can't just call somebody
a fudge packer
and get away with it.
- Hey, is that fudge packer
tom cruise?
- That's it!
I'm suing this entire
intolerant town!
- But dude--
- no buts!
You wanna accuse somebody
of being a fudge packer,
you're gonna pay
the consequences!
Guys, I wanna really
thank you all for coming.
Shockingly, I've just
been slandered once again
in the town of South Park,
something I know
you all can relate to.
- Sure can.
- That damn town.
- I can't believe it.
- That town just seems to be
a hotbed of hatred and lies.
- I'm fed up with it.
That town suggested
I was made of shit.
- Yeah, well, I was just over
there doing some fly-fishing,
and this little boy walks up
and calls me a fudge packer.
- Oh, man!
- That's crazy!
- Crazy!
- I know, right?
And then other kids
in the town
and their teacher
start joining in.
- South Park, Colorado
is the most insensitive,
racist, and bigoted place
in this country.
- That town thinks they can say
whatever they want about people
and get away with it.
- If anybody has a gripe against
that shithole, it's me.
- Yeah, well, I say enough.
All of us together can put
a stop to the slander
coming from that town
once and for all.
No longer will they make snide
remarks about whoever they want.
Aii: Yeah!
- Hey, tom,
I ate too much subway.
Where's your bathroom?
- Oh, just the door
down the hall there, Jared.
No, no, that's a closet.
Go down more.
No, that's a closet too.
No, Jared,
that one's a closet.
No.
That's a closet.
No, that's a closet.
- Stan marsh
to the principal's office.
Stan marsh, come to the
principal's office immediately.
- Dude, What'd you do?
- I have no idea.
- You just had to push it,
didn't you, Stan?
You just had to make fun
of tom cruise again!
- Did you call him
a fudge packer?
- Aw, he was packing fudge!
- Little boy, you don't
understand how serious this is.
Tom cruise has put together
a class action lawsuit
along with
200 other celebrities!
- They're going
to sue the bejesus
out of this entire
town, mm-kay?
- It wasn't just me.
Other kids called him
a fudge packer,
even Mr. Garrison.
- But you started it.
Mr. broflovski,
tell him what you told us.
- Stan, a class action lawsuit
means the end of this town.
We can't possibly go
up against their lawyers.
- Damn it, marsh,
why couldn't you have just
kept your stupid,
ugly kid in line?
- Hey, don't start blaming me
for his looks!
Mr. cruise,
my son is so, so sorry,
and he would do anything to
take back his hurtful comments.
- That's nice.
I'm still suing you all.
Nobody calls me a fudge packer.
- Yes, it was
a terrible mistake.
But maybe you could see how--
since you do take fudge
and pack it into a box...
- What?
- Well, I'm just saying that
you are employed currently
as a person who packages--
- I'm an actor!
I do not pack fudge.
- Right.
My son just got confused,
because you have
a little uniform
and a hat that says
"Fred's fudge and candies."
And you are--
look, it doesn't matter.
Just please withdraw
the class action lawsuit.
Nobody in our town will ever
call you a fudge packer again.
There is one thing
that your town could do
to maybe make me
forget about this lawsuit.
- Anything.
Anything you want, Mr. cruise.
- It's just that
there's somebody
I've always wanted to meet,
face-to-face.
If you could get him to
show up in your town--
- sure!
Who is it?
We can get anybody
for you.
- Muhammad,
the prophet of the Muslim faith.
- Oooh.
- That's tricky.
- Well, then,
you can just get sued!
- Mr. cruise,
if there's anybody else
we could try and bring to town,
we could--
- no! Just him!
You get Muhammad
to appear in South Park
or your little town
is done.
- Okay, people,
I know, I know.
But he will get
the other celebrities
to withdraw their lawsuit
if we just get Muhammad
to appear in South Park.
- Are you nuts?
If Muhammad appears in
South Park, we get bombed.
- Yeah!
- That's right!
- You tell 'em.
- We don't know that.
Maybe enough time has passed
that now it's okay
to show Muhammad.
- Dude, I can't believe
we are dealing with
this Muhammad thing again.
- But even if it were safe now
for Muhammad to come,
how would we ever find him?
- Yeah,
showing an image of him
is completely off-limits
and censored,
so nobody has ever seen
what Muhammad looks like.
- I saw him once.
- You did?
- Yeah, a while ago my friends
joined David Blaine's cult.
I had to go to the super best
friends to rescue them.
Muhammad was one of
the super best friends.
- Oh, and what, and
he was just out in the open
where everyone could see him,
and nobody got bombed?
- No, dude,
it was totally fine.
- Muhammad showed up and
there was no violence at all?
- Well, a giant John wilkes
booth shot Abraham Lincoln--
- all right, Stan,
that's enough.
Jesus, you can't learn
to shut up, can you?
Now, look, I believe
we can find Muhammad.
I've done a lot of research,
and I've completed a sketch
of what Muhammad
could look like today.
- No, don't!
Is that okay to show?
- I don't know.
I guess we'll see.
- Tom, what is up
with this Muhammad thing?
It doesn't make sense.
- Yeah, you said we were
just suing South Park.
- No, I said we were
going to use South Park
to make sure we
never got ripped on again.
Look, people, all of us
get ridiculed,
but who is the one person
on this earth
that is completely
free from slander?
- You want Muhammad
because he can't be ridiculed?
- Muhammad has a power
that makes him impervious
to being made fun of.
What if we could
harness that power?
Jimmy buffett.
How would you like it if nobody
could call your music
drunken
frat boy monkey garbage?
- I'd love it.
- By taking what Muhammad has,
we would all
be safe from ridicule.
Like Tim Burton here.
Imagine it, Tim,
nobody could rip on you
for all the rehashed movies
you've made lately.
There'd never be
a TV show that pointed out
you haven't had an original
thought since beetlejuice
and you put Johnny depp
and the same crappy music
in every film,
and if you're
that in love with Johnny depp
you should just
have sex with him already.
A TV show
could never say that!
- Gee, that'd be swell.
- Well, it can be a reality.
Once we have Muhammad,
we can take his power from him.
- Excuse me.
This is the home
of tom cruise, right?
- Hey, it's one of
the kids from South Park
that slandered me.
- I didn't come
for myself.
I'm just an escort
for another celebrity
who wants to get in
on your lawsuit.
- Who?
- Allo!
- Jennifer Lopez!
- Hey Jen!
- Oh, wow!
- Yes,
I am Jennifer Lopez,
and I like
tacos and burritos!
- In the great hall
of the super best friends,
there are assembled
the leaders of the world's
biggest religions.
Jesus!
Buddha!
Krishna!
Muhammad!
Lao tzu and Joseph Smith!
And the mighty semen!
- It's not semen.
It's sea man!
Their mission...
To right
that which is wrong
and to serve all mankind.
- Jesus, all we are
asking to do
is bring Muhammad to our
town for like an hour.
- My son, much has changed
since you were last here.
Muhammad cannot
make public appearances.
- We simply cannot risk any
violence from the Muslim people.
- Aw, not you guys too!
Jesus fucking Christ!
- Later at the hall
of the super best friends.
- Okay, will you let
Muhammad come to South Park
if we dress him up
like a pirate?
- No, muslims
would still be angry
if you showed his face.
- Okay.
What if we cover his face
with a paper bag?
- No, because you'd
still be showing him
walking around.
That could be the trouble.
- Okay.
A suit of armor.
We just have Muhammad
in a suit of armor
so you can't see anything.
- But it's still Muhammad
walking around
in human form.
- Aw, come on!
This is ridiculous!
- Boys,
you need to understand
that people get very offended
when Muhammad is mocked
because he is
a religious figure.
- Buddha, don't do coke
in front of kids!
- A u-haul.
What if we bring Muhammad
to South Park
in the back of a u-haul,
and he just stays
in there out of sight?
- But he's talking
from the u-haul?
- Well, yeah,
he's gotta talk
or nobody
knows he's in there!
- Hearing his voice,
I dunno.
What do you think, Moses?
- Um...
Would there be windows
on the u-haul?
- There doesn't have to be.
- Um...I guess.
I guess that would be okay.
- Here it is, friends.
Once we have Muhammad,
this machine
will give us his power
to not be made fun of.
- Tom, tom,
you're talking crazy, mate.
Only Muhammad
has that ability.
How could we
ever get it from him?
- We take his goo.
It's as simple as that,
people.
- Rob reiner has been
telling me about the goo
which is inside
every person on earth.
- Any goo can be harvested
from a person's body
and easily
placed into another.
- Wait, you mean
we aren't gonna sue
and get a bunch of money?
- No, Jen,
we've all got enough money.
- Yes, who needs more money?
We need to get Muhammad's goo!
Yes, yes, arriba, arriba!
- Uh, excuse us for a second.
All right,
just what the hell
do you think you're doing?
- What am I doing?
Just having some fun, cholo.
- Cut the crap.
I thought we were here
for lawsuit money.
- Just keep your mouth shut
and do what I tell you.
- If we're staying here,
then I want to know
what's going on.
Don't forget,
I know who you really are.
Mitch Conner.
- If you know
what's good for you,
you'll keep
your mouth shut, kid.
- You're a no-good swindler
and a two-bit thief.
We were here for money,
not goo.
- Think about it.
Muhammad is
the only person in the world
that can't get ripped on.
Those celebrities
want his goo.
- Yeah, so what?
- You know what that goo
is worth on the open market?
Hell, I got
people in Hong Kong
would give me 50 mil
for that goo.
- So we let them
take it from Muhammad,
then we steal it
for ourselves.
- You catch on quick, kid.
- Mrs. Lopez?
- Someone's coming.
Get my wig back on.
- Hey, I was just
seeing if you needed some--
oh God, you found
my fudge packing uniform.
- Oh, your secret
is safe with me, Tommy.
- Boys, we are so sorry
for doubting you.
You really did
bring us Muhammad.
- Thank you so much
for coming, Muhammad.
- Welcome.
- Ooh, is that okay?
- I don't know.
- All right, now we just need to
figure out how to get Muhammad
from the back of the truck
into tom cruise's limo.
- What?
No, dad, we promised Muhammad
would stay in the truck.
- Cruise's lawyers
were very specific, boys.
He's sending a limo for Muhammad
to meet him outside of town.
- But Muhammad
can't be seen, dad.
- All right.
We'll put a sheet over him.
- No, you can't even
show his feet.
- How about
a Halloween costume
with one of
those plastic masks?
- No, you could
still see his eyes.
- Okay. How about, like,
a big mascot outfit?
One that covered him
completely head to toe,
not even showing his eyes.
- Muhammad,
would that be okay?
- Okay.
- Tom, rob!
We've just received word
from the lawyers.
South Park is saying
they have Muhammad for us.
- Rob, will
the machine be ready?
- Oh, it'll be ready.
- More tacos.
I want more tacos.
- No!
No more tacos, miss Lopez!
- More tacos.
- You just had seven tacos.
- I want more tacos.
- I'm sorry.
Why are you doing this?
- I am Jennifer Lopez.
I need tacos to live.
- You know goddamn well
you're not
really Jennifer Lopez.
Now, stop pissing me off.
- Miss Lopez,
I can go.
What do you want,
like three tacos?
- Oh, thank you,
'harlie sheen.
And maybe an enchirito too?
- Aw, Jesus, they don't
even make enchiritos anymore.
- Yes, they do.
- No, I tried
getting one last week.
- Not all tacos bells
have enchiritos,
but some still carry them.
- God, will somebody
shut her up?
- All right,
the limo's here.
Muhammad, thanks again
for doing this.
- You've done this town
a huge favor, Muhammad.
- Hold on a second!
Stop!
There are some
extremists threatening
that if we give Muhammad
to the celebrities,
they're gonna bomb us!
- What?
- Oh, it's
just a stupid threat.
Come on, we don't wanna
piss off tom cruise again.
- All right,
we got him, tom!
- Muhammad.
Are you okay?
- What the hell was that?
- Obviously the terrorists
are for real.
What does that paper say?
"We have placed bombs
all over your city.
"You will
give Muhammad to us.
"Celebrities want Muhammad
"for his power
not to be ridiculed.
We want that power.
Hazaa."
- They want his power?
- What kind of
extremists are these?
- You won't believe it.
- Our time is near!
Soon gingers will never
be made fun of again!
Aii: Hazaaaaaa!
- Where the hell
do you think you're going?
- I'm through with your
stupid plans, Conner.
I've got better things
to do with my time.
- You're gonna walk away
from 50 mil?
- Let me by.
- You walk away now,
and you'll regret it
the rest of your life.
- Screw this, Conner.
Find yourself another partner.
- Then I guess I won't
tell you about your father.
- My father?
- Thought that might
get your attention.
You know nothing
about your dad, right?
- I know enough.
My mother is a hermaphrodite.
So she is actually my father.
- You really still
believe that garbage?
The people in your town
sold you that line.
Come on, you've had to
have doubted it all along.
- How would you know anything
about who my family is?
I know all about
the swindles and schemes
in this dead end town.
You got lied to, kid,
by the people
who were closest to you.
I can prove it, too.
But I'm gonna want
something in return.
- If you're making this up
to keep me around, Conner,
then you better--
- you just take me
where I tell you.
And when you learn the truth,
you'll learn to trust me.
And nobody else.
- Okay, people, try to
evacuate in an orderly fashion.
Jeez.
- Mayor, we do not
have the resources
to deal
with this situation.
A full evacuation
is impossible.
- Jesus Christ,
what are we supposed to do?
- We have to
give in to their demands.
- I'm sorry, Muhammad,
but we're going to have
to give you over
to the gingers.
- We can't hand him
over to the gingers.
- Yeah, we said
we'd take care of him.
- But our homes and lives
are at stake.
- We made a promise
to Jesus.
- Stan, Jesus doesn't matter
when Muhammad is involved.
- That'll be tom cruise.
- Hello?
- Yeah,
so what's going on?
- I'm afraid we can't
give Muhammad to you.
- What do ya mean,
you're not giving him to us?
- There are these
ginger fundamentalists
saying if we don't
give Muhammad to them
they're gonna bomb us.
- Gingers?
- Gingers.
Aw, hell no.
- Please understand
that we have
no choice here, Mr. cruise.
- You're gonna give Muhammad
to gingers instead of us
just because they are
threatening you with violence?
- Well, yeah.
- Oh, we can play
that game too.
You wanna see violence?
You got it.
Goddamn stupid assholes.
They wanna play rough?
Okay. Spielberg, go and get
some automatic rifles.
We'll go in there
and we're gonna
take Muhammad by force,
and we're gonna show 'em--
- tom. Tom.
We can't be
seen getting violent.
- Yeah, that would
kill all our careers.
- But the only way
we're gonna get Muhammad now
is by getting
just as violent
with South Park
as the gingers.
- Fine.
Then let's have her do it.
- Her who?
- You know, her.
- Oh, right, her.
- There she is, tom...
Barbra Streisand.
- My God, she's even more
terrifying than I remembered.
- Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't
been active for a long time.
Are we sure we wanna do this?
- Mrs. Streisand
was blown apart
in the town of South Park.
She's probably more angry
at that town than any of us.
- Power her up.
Release the kiken.
- Bar-boora.
Barrr-boora.
Ichiban kirai na hito.
Bar-boora, bar-boora.
Hana ga ookii.
- Hey, Barbra.
It's me, rob reiner.
- Listen, babs.
We're taking on
the town of South Park,
and we really
need your help.
- We figured you're pissed off
at South Park too,
right, Mrs. Streisand?
- Oh, she's pissed,
all right.
- Eric?
What are you doing here?
- Did you all lie to me?
All of you,
in that room?
When you told me
my mother was my father.
- What?
No, Eric.
Are you still worried about
that ol' issue, I mean--
- I don't trust you.
I want to talk to Mr. hat.
- Eric, I haven't used
Mr. hat in a long time, and--
- I said get Mr. hat.
Put it on.
Do the voice.
- Hello, kids.
It's me, Mr. hat.
- Good to see you, hat.
Hell of a night, isn't it?
- I--
I don't believe I know you.
- The name's Mitch Conner.
Flew the same division
as you back in Saigon.
- Eric, this is silly.
Why don't we just stop--
- keep your hand up.
- All right, gingers.
We have Muhammad for you.
Now, hand over
the detonators.
- Nuh-uh.
First you gotta prove
that's still Muhammad in there.
Have him step
out of the bear costume.
Aii: Ooh.
- Dude,
we can't do that.
- Show us it's Muhammad,
or South Park is finished.
- Damn it, Mitch.
You're asking questions
that shouldn't be answered.
- So you admit it.
There was a cover-up.
- No, Mr. hat,
don't say any more.
- Yeah.
Tell him what you know.
- All right, Eric.
Your father was in the room
the day of your DNA test.
But the results
were tampered with.
- By who?
God damn it, Garrison.
Who is my father?