South Park (1997–…): Season 14, Episode 2 - The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs - full transcript
The boys try to write the most graphic, offensive book ever, and then blame Butters when Stan's mom finds it. But when the book is hailed as a work of literary genius, Butters becomes the "voice of a generation."
♪ I'M GOIN'
DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA HAVE MYSELF A TIME ♪
♪ FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ HUMBLE FOLKS
WITHOUT TEMPTATION ♪
♪ I'M GOIN'
DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA LEAVE MY WOES BEHIND ♪
♪ AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT,
PEOPLE SPOUTING HOWDY NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ HEADIN' ON UP TO SOUTH PARK,
GONNA SEE IF I CAN'T UNWIND ♪
♪ [muffled] ♪
♪ COME ON DOWN TO SOUTH PARK
AND MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE ♪
[schooI beII rings]
- OKAY, KIDS.
LET'S TAKE OUR SEATS.
THERE HAS BEEN
A CHANGE IN SCHOOL POLICY,
AND SO I AM ASSIGNING
YOU ALL A BOOK TO READ.
- AW, A BOOK?
GOD, I HATE THOSE.
- NOW, KIDS, THIS BOOK
IS VERY CONTROVERSIAL
AND HAS JUST BEEN TAKEN
OFF THE BANNED BOOKS LIST.
- OH, REALLY?
SWEET.
- IT'S CALLED
CATCHER IN THE RYE,
AND IT HAS SOME
VERY RISQUE PARTS...
- ALL RIGHT!
- AND STRONG,
VULGAR LANGUAGE.
- [muffIed]
- AND IN FACT, MANY SCHOOLS
ACROSS THE COUNTRY
STILL BAN THIS BOOK
BECAUSE IT'S THOUGHT TO BE
SO INAPPROPRIATE.
- OH, MAN, I CAN'T WAIT!
- TONIGHT I WANT YOU TO READ
CHAPTERS ONE THROUGH FIVE,
AND TOMORROW
WE WILL DISCUSS THE--
- NO, NO, COME ON,
LET'S READ IT NOW!
- MR. GARRISON, DIDN'T THE
GUY WHO SHOT JOHN LENNON
SAY IT WAS
BECAUSE OF THIS BOOK?
- YES, APPARENTLY
JOHN LENNON'S KILLER
SAID HE WAS INSPIRED
BY CATCHER IN THE RYE.
BUT HE WAS JUST A KOOK.
- WHOA, YOU'RE TELLING US
THIS BOOK IS FILTHY,
INAPPROPRIATE,
AND MADE A GUY
SHOOT THE KING OF HIPPIES?
CAN WE PLEASE READ THIS
RIGHT NOW?
- YOU WILL READ IT AT HOME,
aII: AWW!
- DID YOU GET
TO ANY DIRTY PARTS YET?
- NO. IT'S STILL JUST
SOME WHINY, ANNOYING TEENAGER
TALKING ABOUT HOW LAME HE IS.
- I DON'T GET IT, DUDE.
WHAT'S SO CONTROVERSIAL
ABOUT THIS?
ALL HE'S DONE IS SAID "SHIT"
AND "FUCK" A FEW TIMES.
- I KNOW. I'M ALMOST AT THE END,
AND THERE'S NOTHING.
- MOTHERFUCKER!
THE WHOLE THING--
I READ THE WHOLE
FUCKING THING!
I KEPT THINKING,
"ALL RIGHT,
I GUESS THE COOL,
OFFENSIVE STUFF MUST BE COMING."
AND THEN AFTER,
LIKE, A HUNDRED PAGES,
I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
I GUESS ALL THE DIRTY STUFF
IS AT THE END."
AND THEN I GOT
TO THE LAST PAGE,
AND I WAS ALL,
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"
I JUST READ A BOOK
FOR NOTHING!
- WHY THE HELL
WAS THIS BOOK BANNED?
- THEY FUCKING TRICKED US,
THAT'S WHAT THEY DID.
TRICKED US
INTO READING A BOOK
BY ENTICING US
WITH PROMISES OF VULGARITY.
- [muffIed]
- WE KNOW.
WE WERE JUST SAYING THAT.
- WHY WOULD ANYBODY THINK THIS
BOOK IS OBSCENE OR DANGEROUS?
- KILL JOHN LENNON.
KILL JOHN LENNON.
KILL JOHN LENNON!
HEY, DAD, WHERE DOES
JOHN LENNON LIVE?
- JOHN LENNON'S DEAD, BUTTERS.
- AW, DANG IT.
- DUDE, SOME PEOPLE REALLY DO
CONSIDER THIS OBSCENE.
- IT'S NOT OBSCENE, DUDE.
I'LL SHOW THEM
FUCKING OBSCENE.
- HEY, YEAH, WE SHOULD WRITE
OUR OWN BANNED BOOK.
- YEAH, WE COULD GET A BOOK
BANNED WAY MORE THAN THIS ONE.
- YEAH, SWEET.
- [muffIed]
-THE TALE OF...
-THE TALE
OF SCROTIE MCDICKENASS.
- [Iaughs]
[muffIed]
- OH, THAT--YEAH,
THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, "CHAPTER ONE"...
- "IT WAS A--
A WARM SPRING MORNING"...
[Iight acoustic guitar music]
-"THE TALE
OF SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS"?
"IT WAS A WARM SUMMER MORNING
WHEN SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
AWOKE TO FIND HIS"...
EW.
"HE TOOK A"...
WHAT?
OHH!
UGH!
OH, MY GOD!
"HE THEN GRABBED
HIS DOG'S"...
[gags]
OH!
[vomiting]
[coughs]
OH! OH, MY GOD!
"WALKING OUT OF HIS HOUSE,
HE SPOTTED A BLOODY
AND PUS COVERED"...
[gagging]
NO! NO!
[heaving]
NO! NO!
RANDY?
RANDY!
RANDY, YOU NEED TO READ THIS.
- READ WHAT?
- THIS BOOK!
OUR SON AND HIS FRIENDS
WROTE IT!
- SO?
- SO?
RANDY, IT'S--IT'S--
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
- HUH?
- I MEAN, IT'S DISGUSTING.
IT'S--IT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING
THING I'VE EVER READ,
BUT THE PLOT IS AMAZING,
AND THE CHARACTERS
ARE SO VIVID.
- "IT WAS
A WARM SUMMER MORNING
WHEN SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
AWOKE TO FIND HIS"--
EW! SHARON, GROSS!
- NO, NO, JUST KEEP READING!
- "HE TOOK A--AND THEN"...
OH, MA--OH!
THIS--
[vomiting]
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
RANDY, BUT TRUST ME.
YOU GOT TO PUSH THROUGH
TO THE END.
- NO, NO.
THAT'S JUST WRONG!
- RANDY, PLEASE!
YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME!
- "WALKING OUT OF THE HOUSE,
HE FOUND A BLOODY, PUS"--
WHAT?
"WHICH HE IMMEDIATELY STUCK UP
HIS INFECTED"--
[gags]
[groaning]
"THAT WAS ALL LONG AGO,
"IN SOME BRIEF, LOST SPRING
IN A PLACE THAT IS NO MORE.
"IN THAT HOUR,
THE VAJ FROGS BEGIN,
AND THE SCENT OFF SCROTIE'S
INFECTED ANUS COMES STRONGEST."
UGH!
OH, MAN.
- WELL?
- IT'S--IT'S AWESOME.
SHARON, IT'S--IT'S
THE BEST BOOK I'VE EVER READ.
- RIGHT?
IT'S NOT JUST ME!
- NO, IT'S--I MEAN, THE WHOLE
PART ABOUT AMSTERDAM, WOW.
- WHAT DO WE DO, RANDY?
WE CAN'T SUPPORT OUR SON TALKING
LIKE THIS, BUT I-I MEAN...
- NO, I-I KNOW.
PEOPLE NEED TO READ
THIS BOOK, SHARON.
THIS IS--THIS IS
PULITZER PRIZE STUFF.
- OH, HO!
YOU'RE DEAD, KENNY!
- VENGEANCE!
- GUYS, GUYS!
WE ARE TOTALLY FUCKED!
THE BOOK IS GONE
FROM MY DRESSER DRAWER!
MY PARENTS MUST HAVE FOUND IT!
- WHAT?
- SO WHY ARE WE ALL FUCKED?
THEY'LL THINK YOU WROTE IT ALL.
- HEY, HEY, I'M NOT TAKING
THE HEAT FOR THIS ALONE.
WE ALL WROTE IT.
IF I'M GOING DOWN, SOMEBODY
HAS TO GO DOWN WITH ME.
- WELL, IF I'M GOING DOWN,
CARTMAN'S GOING DOWN.
- AND IF I'M GOING DOWN,
BOTH KYLE AND KENNY
ARE DEFINITELY GOING DOWN.
- WELL, DUDE,
SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO GO DOWN!
- BUTTERS, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
- OH, HEY, FELLAS!
I'M JUST WATCHING
THE KARDASHIANS.
- TODAY MY SISTERS AND I ARE
GONNA HAVE TO WASH SOMETHING.
IT'S GONNA BLOW!
- KIM KARDASHIAN IS SO SEXY.
HER BUTT IS LIKE
A BIG MOUNTAIN OF PUDDING.
- BUTTERS, LISTEN,
YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
- I AM?
- YEAH, YOU REMEMBER
THAT BOOK YOU WROTE.
STAN'S MOM FOUND IT.
- OH, NO.
WHICH BOOK WAS THAT?
- DUDE, THE BOOK
YOU LEFT WITH US
WHEN YOU WERE
SLEEPWALKING LAST NIGHT.
- I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THAT.
[gasps]
BUT IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
EVER SINCE I READ
CATCHER IN THE RYE,
I'VE BEEN HAVING
THESE BLACKOUTS--
CRAZY THOUGHTS OF WANTING
TO KILL THE PHONIES.
I MUST HAVE CHANNELED
ALL MY ANGST
INTO DARK WRITINGS
IN MY SLEEP.
- ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE NEED
TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.
WE'VE ALL READ THE BOOK NOW,
AND IT IS VERY SHOCKING,
TO SAY THE LEAST.
- OKAY, WELL, ACTUALLY,
IT WAS ALL WRITTEN BY BUTTERS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- BUTTERS?
IS THAT TRUE?
- YEAH, I BARELY EVEN
REMEMBER IT, BUT I KNOW I DID--
- WELL, BUTTERS, WE THINK
THAT THIS IS ONE OF THE OF
THE BEST BOOKS WE'VE EVER READ.
- HUH?
- WHAT?
- YEAH, REALLY AMAZING.
- OH, THANKS.
- WE WERE ACTUALLY SO MOVED
BY YOUR BOOK, BUTTERS,
THAT WE BROUGHT
MR. NEEDLEBAUM
FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING
TO READ IT.
- MR. BUTTERS, WE WOULD LIKE
TO OFFER YOU A DEAL
FOR FIRST PUBLISHING RIGHTS
TO YOUR BRILLIANT NOVEL.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S OURS!
- YEAH, WE WROTE THAT!
- OKAY, BOYS,
YOU ALREADY TOLD THE TRUTH.
- NO, NO,
WE--WE REALLY DID WRITE IT.
TELL THEM, BUTTERS.
- I WROTE THAT.
[parents chattering excitedIy]
- WHAT? HEY!
- IT IS BEING CALLED
THE MOST DISGUSTING,
FOUL, SICKENING BOOK
EVER WRITTEN,
AND IT IS ALSO BEING CALLED
LITERARY GENIUS.
THE TALE OF
SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
HIT THE SHELVES
THIS WEEKEND,
AND SO FAR, NO ONE
HAS BEEN ABLE TO GET
THROUGH THE FIRST PARAGRAPH
WITHOUT VOMITING.
THE BOOK HAS ALREADY SOLD
MILLIONS OF COPIES WORLDWIDE
AND HAS BEEN TRANSLATED
INTO 26 LANGUAGES.
- [reading in native Ianguage]
SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS...
[aII vomiting]
- [continues reading
in native Ianguage]
[aII vomiting]
- [grunts]
[continues reading
in native Ianguage]
SARAH JESSICA PARKER...
[aII vomiting]
- THE BOOK IS CHANGING
THE LITERARY WORLD,
AND IT IS ALL THANKS
TO LEOPOLD "BUTTERS" STOTCH.
[schooI beII rings]
[chiIdren chattering]
- HEY, HERE HE COMES.
- AMAZING BOOK, BUTTERS.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU CHANGED MY LIFE,
YOUNG MAN.
- THAT'S NICE.
- BUTTERS, WHAT THE FUCK
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
- JUST ENJOYING MYSELF.
WHY, ERIC?
- BUTTERS, YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL
YOU DIDN'T WRITE THAT BOOK.
- BUT YOU TOLD ME I DID.
- YEAH, BUT THAT'S
WHEN WE THOUGHT
WE WERE GONNA GET
IN TROUBLE, ASSHOLE!
- HEY, HEY, YOU GUYS LEAVE
BUTTERS ALONE.
HE'S A VERY FRAGILE ARTIST.
- HE'S SO BROODING
AND FULL OF ANGST.
- YEAH, I'M BROODING.
- BUTTERS DOESN'T DESERVE
ANY CREDIT
FOR SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS.
WE DESERVE ALL THE CREDIT.
- OH, GOD,
YOU GUYS ARE PATHETIC.
- YEAH, GET A LIFE
AND STOP MOOCHING OFF
OTHERS' SUCCESS FOR ONCE.
- GOD DAMN IT!
- BUTTERS,
DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'S FAIR
TO LIE LIKE THIS?
LET ME TELL YOU,
IF YOU DON'T--
- NO, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, FELLAS!
YOU ALWAYS
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME,
AND AFTER READING
CATCHER IN THE RYE,
I'VE LEARNED
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT PHONIES.
I'M NOT LETTING YOU
TRICK ME THIS TIME.
SO THE FOUR OF YOU
CAN JUST SUCK ON MY WIENER!
- THAT INCONSIDERATE JERK.
- TODAY ON TODAY...
WE MEET THE AUTHOR OF THE BOOK
THAT HAS SWEPT THE NATION
AND HAS NOW SPAWNED
TV'S MOST POPULAR GAME SHOW!
[timer beeping]
THE BOOK IS FULL
OF DISGUSTING WORDS AND ACTS,
INCLUDING
SARAH JESSICA PARKER,
WHO IS MENTIONED 465 TIMES.
MATTHEW BRODERICK,
ARE YOU UPSET
YOUR WIFE IS MADE FUN OF
SO MUCH IN THE BOOK?
- WELL, OBVIOUSLY,
I JUST THINK IT'S WRONG
TO MAKE FUN OF ANYBODY'S
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.
MY WIFE IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,
AND I KNOW THAT MOST PEOPLE
AGREE WITH ME.
- UH-HUH. AND, MATTHEW, HOW COME
A TRANSVESTITE DONKEY WITCH
IS STANDING NEXT TO YOU,
AND WHY IS IT WEARING A DRESS?
- JOINING US NOW IS THE AUTHOR
OF THE BOOK, LEOPOLD STOTCH,
ALONG WITH HIS PARENTS.
- HELLO, MATT.
- HI, EVERYONE.
- YOU MUST BE PRETTY PROUD
OF YOUR SON.
- OH, WE CERTAINLY ARE.
WE'RE THRILLED TO LEARN
HE IS SO VERY TALENTED.
- AND WE ALSO UNDERSTAND
THAT YOUR SON IS GROUNDED.
IS THAT CORRECT?
- YES, WE DID
HAVE TO GROUND HIM
FOR THE LANGUAGE
IN THE NOVEL, OF COURSE.
- I HAVE TO COME
RIGHT TO MY ROOM AFTER SCHOOL.
- BUT WE ARE VERY,
VERY PROUD NONETHELESS.
- YOUNG MAN, NOW THAT
YOU'RE A RESPECTED AUTHOR,
HAVE YOU MET
ANY FAMOUS PEOPLE?
- NOT YET, BUT AS SOON
AS I'M NOT GROUNDED ANYMORE,
I'M HOPING TO MEET
KIM KARDASHIAN.
I WANT TO JUMP ON HER BELLY.
- ALL RIGHT, UH, BUTTERS,
MY FAVORITE PART OF YOUR NOVEL
WAS WHEN
SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
SLID HIS HEAD
UP INTO THE HORSE'S--
[vomiting vioIentIy]
[beIches]
[spitting]
[heaves, spits]
SORRY.
WAS THAT CHAPTER
A SLAM ON HEALTH CARE REFORM
AS PEOPLE HAVE SUGGESTED?
- UH, YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.
I-I THINK--THINK SO.
- IS THAT WHY
THE DOCTOR CHARACTER
PULLS OUT ALL THE STRING--
[vomiting vioIentIy]
[spitting]
- LITTLE BOY,
ARE YOU EVER WORRIED
SOMEBODY MIGHT TAKE YOUR BOOK
WRONG AND TRY TO KILL SOMEONE
LIKE WHEN THAT GUY
TRIED TO SHOOT RONALD REAGAN
AFTER READING
CATCHER IN THE RYE?
- OH, IS THAT WHO THE BOOK
WAS TELLING ME TO KILL?
OH.
KILL RONALD REAGAN.
KILL RONALD REAGAN!
- RONALD REAGAN
IS DEAD NOW, BUTTERS.
- OH, REALLY?
AH, GOSH DANG IT.
- MORE AND MORE OF US ARE
AGAINST THIS BOOK EVERY DAY.
THE AUTHOR IS CRUEL
AND OFFENSIVE.
AND FOR THESE REASONS,
WE DEMAND THIS BOOK BE BANNED
FROM ALL SCHOOLS,
STORES, AND LIBRARIES.
THIS BOOK IS NOTHING
BUT SMUT AND VULGARITY
PURELY FOR THE SAKE
OF SMUT AND VULGARITY.
- THAT'S JUST BECAUSE
YOU'RE TOO YOUNG
TO UNDERSTAND
THE UNDERLYING THEMES.
- THERE ARE
NO UNDERLYING THEMES!
WE KNOW THAT FOR A FACT!
- YOU JUST FAILED TO UNDERSTAND
WHAT THE AUTHOR MEANT.
- THE AUTHOR MEANT TO BE
AS GROSS AS POSSIBLE
BECAUSE IT WAS FUNNY.
- NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S SUCH
A SIMPLISTIC VIEW.
- GOD DAMN IT, THERE IS
NO DEEPER MEANING IN THIS BOOK.
READ IT AGAIN!
- OH, SO YOU'RE SUGGESTING
THAT THE AUTHOR
JUST ARBITRARILY MADE FUN
OF SARAH JESSICA PARKER
FOR NO REASON.
- YES!
- BUT WHAT WOULD BE
THE POINT?
- THERE'S IS NO POINT!
IT'S JUST BECAUSE
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
IS FUCKING UGLY!
- NO WRITER
WOULD TAKE THE TIME
TO MAKE FUN OF
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
JUST BECAUSE THEY THINK
SHE'S UGLY.
boys: YES, THEY WOULD!
- IT IS BECAUSE
MS. JESSICA PARKER
IS A METAPHOR IN THE BOOK
FOR OPPRESSION
FELT BY THE LOWER CLASS.
- WHAT?
DUDE, THAT IS NOT
IN THE BOOK AT ALL!
- BOYS, THIS BOOK
IS AN IMPORTANT LOOK
AT HOW LIBERALS ARE HURTING
THIS COUNTRY, AND WE--
- WHAT?
SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
IS THE MOST CONSERVATIVE-HATING
LIBERAL IN LITERATURE!
- WHAT BOOK DID YOU READ?
- THERE'S NOTHING
ABOUT LIBERALS OR CONSERVATIVES!
- OH, YEAH, THEN WHY DOES
SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S
BUTT CHEESE
END UP
IN SCROTIE'S MILKSHAKE?
- [vomiting]
- BREAKING NEWS FROM ACCLAIMED
AUTHOR LEOPOLD STOTCH.
THE ARTIST HAS ANNOUNCED
THAT HE IS WORKING
ON A SECOND NOVEL,
AS A FOLLOW-UP TO HIS
WILDLY SUCCESSFUL BEST SELLER.
WE GOT A STATEMENT
FROM THE WRITER,
WHO IS STILL GROUNDED
IN HIS ROOM.
CAN YOU GIVE THE PUBLIC ANY IDEA
WHAT THE NEW BOOK IS ABOUT?
- WELL, IT'S KIND OF ABOUT
LOVE AND BETRAYAL,
THE INNER WORKINGS
OF THE HUMAN MIND!
- WILL IT BE AS SICK AND
DISGUSTING AS YOUR FIRST BOOK?
- OH, IT'S RAUNCHY, ALL RIGHT!
I KNOW WHAT MY READERS WANT,
AND I'M GOING TO DELIVER!
- BUTTERS,
AWAY FROM THE WINDOW!
YOU ARE BEING GROUNDED!
- SORRY, DAD, I WAS JUST BEING
THE VOICE OF A GENERATION.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY WON'T BAN OUR BOOK.
- I KNOW.
IT'S SO MUCH WORSE THAN
"CATCHER IN THE RETARDED RYE"!
- [muffIed]
- ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS,
I KNOW WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.
WE'VE GOT TO KILL
SARAH JESSICA PARKER.
- WHAT?
- THINK ABOUT IT, GUYS.
IF SOMEBODY KILLS
SARAH JESSICA PARKER,
THEN THEY'LL ASSUME
THAT SOMEBODY DID IT
BECAUSE OF WHAT WAS
IN THE BOOK.
THEN THE BOOK WILL GET BANNED.
- DUDE, WE'RE NOT KILLING
SARAH JESSICA PARKER!
- SHH.
BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
WE DON'T HAVE TO KILL HER.
WE CAN JUST HELP HER
GET KILLED.
- SHUT UP, CARTMAN.
JUST FACE IT.
WE LOST THIS ONE.
- KENNY, WE ONLY HAVE
TO HELP HER GET KILLED,
AND THEN WE TOTALLY GET BACK
AT BUTTERS.
- [muffIed] OKAY.
- MS. JESSICA PARKER,
OVER HERE.
- WELL, THE DAY
HAS FINALLY ARRIVED.
THE EAGERLY AWAITED
SECOND NOVEL
FROM THE AUTHOR
OF SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
HIT THE SHELVES
THIS MORNING,
AND APPARENTLY
BOOKSTORES ARE JAMMED.
- AL, HOW IS IT OUT THERE?
- I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU CAN SEE THIS, GUYS,
BUT THE--THE LINE STRETCHES
ALL THE WAY AROUND THE BLOCK--
PEOPLE WAITING FOR THEIR TURN
TO GET INSIDE THE BOOKSTORE
AND READ THE NOVEL.
AND THEY'VE BROUGHT TRASH BAGS
AND BUCKETS TO THROW UP IN--
JUST A FESTIVE ATMOSPHERE HERE,
MATT AND MEREDITH.
- WELL, WE'VE GOT
OUR VOMIT BUCKETS READY TOO,
BECAUSE COMING UP,
A VERY SPECIAL IN-STUDIO TREAT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A READING
OF THE FIRST FIVE CHAPTERS
OF THE BOOK
HERE LIVE IN OUR STUDIO.
NOW, WE MUST WARN YOU
THAT THIS IS
FROM THE SAME AUTHOR
WHO WROTE THE MOST GRAPHIC,
OBSCENE NOVEL OF ALL TIME,
SO BRACE YOURSELVES
FOR SOME VERY HARSH LANGUAGE.
TAKE IT AWAY, MORGAN FREEMAN.
-"THE POOP THAT TOOK A PEE.
"CHAPTER ONE.
"DOUGLAS HAD TO POOP.
"HIS BUTT WAS ALL STINKY
"BECAUSE HE HAD TO POOP
SO BADLY.
"THERE WAS A GROSS WOMAN
NAMED REBECCA
"WHO WAS SUNBATHING
ALL NAKED,
"AND SHE WAS FAT.
"DOUGLAS WALKED UP TO HER
AND SAID, 'I NEED TO POOP.'
"'OKAY,' REBECCA REPLIED.
"'I LIKE POOP.'
"DOUGLAS SQUATTED DOWN...
"OVER THE FAT, SUNBATHING LADY
"AND WENT POOP.
"THE POOP SAT THERE
ON REBECCA'S BOOBS,
"LOOKING LIKE A WIENER.
CHAPTER TWO"...
- [imitating moose caII]
- SEE ANY HUNTERS YET?
- [muffIed]
- DOING GOOD,
MS. JESSICA PARKER.
JUST HANG OUT RIGHT THERE.
- GUYS! STOP! STOP!
WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS!
- [muffIed] HUH?
- BUTTERS WROTE
A SECOND BOOK!
- SO WHAT?
- SO, DUDE, IF BUTTERS
WROTE A SECOND BOOK,
THEN EVERYONE'S GONNA KNOW
HE COULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN
THE FIRST ONE.
- WE CAN GET PEOPLE
TO BELIEVE US NOW!
- OH, DUDE, SWEET!
- "'WHY ARE WE HERE?'
DOUGLAS CRIED,
"AS POOP CAME OUT
HIS WIENER
"IN A LONG, THIN STRIP.
"IT WAS WIENER POOP,
WHICH IS
THE GROSSEST POOP OF ALL."
- "THE PEE-PEE GOT
ON THE WOMAN'S LEG,
AND SHE SCREAMED,
POOPING OUT HER BOOBS."
- "AND SO WHEN THE PEE
GOT MIXED WITH THE POOP,
IT SMELLED LIKE A BUTT."
- OH, DUDE, THIS IS EVEN LAMER
THAN WE THOUGHT.
- PEOPLE ARE GONNA WANT
BUTTERS' HEAD ON A PLATTER!
- ARE YOU READING THIS, MARCIA?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- SO FAR, I THINK IT--
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
I-IT MIGHT BE BETTER
THAN HIS FIRST BOOK.
- I AGREE.
IT WASN'T AS EDGY,
BUT IT'S LIKE HE'S GONE
BACK TO HIS ROOTS.
- WHAT?
- YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
YOU PEOPLE LIKE THIS?
- SOME OF THE IMAGERY
IS UNBELIEVABLE.
- A WOMAN POOPING OUT HER BOOBS
IS NOT GOOD IMAGERY!
- SAYS YOU.
YOU MUST BE
A PRO-LIFE NUT, HUH?
DIDN'T LIKE WHAT THE BOOK
HAD TO SAY?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS BOOK
IS AS PRO-LIFE AS IT GETS!
- OH, COME ON!
- GOD DAMN IT!
WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP READING
INTO STUFF THAT ISN'T THERE?
- "AND THE POOP AND THE PEE
LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
THE END."
KILL THE PHONIES.
- TODAY MY SISTERS AND I
ARE GOING TO SHOP FOR UNDERWEAR!
aII: YAY!
- CAN I GO WITH YOU, GIRLS?
[screaming]
- OUR NATION IS STILL REELING
FROM THE TRAGIC DEATHS
OF THE KARDASHIANS.
THE SHOOTER CLAIMS HE WAS DRIVEN
TO COMMIT THE SLAUGHTER
IMMEDIATELY AFTER READING
THE POOP THAT TOOK A PEE
BY LEOPOLD "BUTTERS" STOTCH.
IT'S ALL OVER...
THE KARDASHIANS--WIPED OUT...
IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE...
ALL BECAUSE ONE LITTLE PRICK...
HAD TO GO AND WRITE A BOOK.
LEOPOLD STOTCH...
I HOPE THEY BURY YOU...
YOU EVIL FUCK!
- DUDE, PEOPLE ARE PISSED OFF
AT YOU, BUTTERS.
- [muffIed]
I KNOW.
- THEY'RE SAYING THEY'RE GONNA
BAN BOTH YOUR BOOKS NOW,
COMPLETELY!
YOU'RE NOT MAKING
ANY MORE MONEY.
- [crying]
YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT?
MY WRITING
GOT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
IN THE WORLD KILLED!
[sobbing]
I LOVED HER!
AND NOW SHE'S GONE,
AND IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!
- UH, OH, BUTTERS,
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, WE'VE ALL LEARNED
THAT PEOPLE LOOK
FOR MEANING IN BOOKS.
AND SOMETIMES,
EVEN IF IT ISN'T THERE,
THEY'LL TRY AND INVENT
THEIR OWN MEANING.
- YEAH, DUDE.
THAT'S WHY WE ALL NEED
TO AVOID BOOKS
AND STICK TO TELEVISION.
- THA--THANKS, FELLAS.
I'LL DEFINITELY
NEVER WRITE AGAIN.
I THINK I CAN GET OVER THIS.
- THAT'S GOOD, BUTTERS, BECAUSE
WE NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
- WHAT?
- [sighs]
YOU WERE SLEEPWALKING AGAIN
AND DRESSED SARAH JESSICA
PARKER UP IN A MOOSE SUIT.
YOU LEFT HER IN THE FOREST,
AND SHE GOT SHOT BY A HUNTER.
- WHAT? OH, NO!
- YEP, SORRY.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO COME DOWN
AND ADMIT IT WAS YOU.
- AW, I GOT HER KILLED TOO?
OH, WELL,
AT LEAST SHE WAS UGLY.
DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA HAVE MYSELF A TIME ♪
♪ FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ HUMBLE FOLKS
WITHOUT TEMPTATION ♪
♪ I'M GOIN'
DOWN TO SOUTH PARK ♪
♪ GONNA LEAVE MY WOES BEHIND ♪
♪ AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT,
PEOPLE SPOUTING HOWDY NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ HEADIN' ON UP TO SOUTH PARK,
GONNA SEE IF I CAN'T UNWIND ♪
♪ [muffled] ♪
♪ COME ON DOWN TO SOUTH PARK
AND MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE ♪
[schooI beII rings]
- OKAY, KIDS.
LET'S TAKE OUR SEATS.
THERE HAS BEEN
A CHANGE IN SCHOOL POLICY,
AND SO I AM ASSIGNING
YOU ALL A BOOK TO READ.
- AW, A BOOK?
GOD, I HATE THOSE.
- NOW, KIDS, THIS BOOK
IS VERY CONTROVERSIAL
AND HAS JUST BEEN TAKEN
OFF THE BANNED BOOKS LIST.
- OH, REALLY?
SWEET.
- IT'S CALLED
CATCHER IN THE RYE,
AND IT HAS SOME
VERY RISQUE PARTS...
- ALL RIGHT!
- AND STRONG,
VULGAR LANGUAGE.
- [muffIed]
- AND IN FACT, MANY SCHOOLS
ACROSS THE COUNTRY
STILL BAN THIS BOOK
BECAUSE IT'S THOUGHT TO BE
SO INAPPROPRIATE.
- OH, MAN, I CAN'T WAIT!
- TONIGHT I WANT YOU TO READ
CHAPTERS ONE THROUGH FIVE,
AND TOMORROW
WE WILL DISCUSS THE--
- NO, NO, COME ON,
LET'S READ IT NOW!
- MR. GARRISON, DIDN'T THE
GUY WHO SHOT JOHN LENNON
SAY IT WAS
BECAUSE OF THIS BOOK?
- YES, APPARENTLY
JOHN LENNON'S KILLER
SAID HE WAS INSPIRED
BY CATCHER IN THE RYE.
BUT HE WAS JUST A KOOK.
- WHOA, YOU'RE TELLING US
THIS BOOK IS FILTHY,
INAPPROPRIATE,
AND MADE A GUY
SHOOT THE KING OF HIPPIES?
CAN WE PLEASE READ THIS
RIGHT NOW?
- YOU WILL READ IT AT HOME,
aII: AWW!
- DID YOU GET
TO ANY DIRTY PARTS YET?
- NO. IT'S STILL JUST
SOME WHINY, ANNOYING TEENAGER
TALKING ABOUT HOW LAME HE IS.
- I DON'T GET IT, DUDE.
WHAT'S SO CONTROVERSIAL
ABOUT THIS?
ALL HE'S DONE IS SAID "SHIT"
AND "FUCK" A FEW TIMES.
- I KNOW. I'M ALMOST AT THE END,
AND THERE'S NOTHING.
- MOTHERFUCKER!
THE WHOLE THING--
I READ THE WHOLE
FUCKING THING!
I KEPT THINKING,
"ALL RIGHT,
I GUESS THE COOL,
OFFENSIVE STUFF MUST BE COMING."
AND THEN AFTER,
LIKE, A HUNDRED PAGES,
I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
I GUESS ALL THE DIRTY STUFF
IS AT THE END."
AND THEN I GOT
TO THE LAST PAGE,
AND I WAS ALL,
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"
I JUST READ A BOOK
FOR NOTHING!
- WHY THE HELL
WAS THIS BOOK BANNED?
- THEY FUCKING TRICKED US,
THAT'S WHAT THEY DID.
TRICKED US
INTO READING A BOOK
BY ENTICING US
WITH PROMISES OF VULGARITY.
- [muffIed]
- WE KNOW.
WE WERE JUST SAYING THAT.
- WHY WOULD ANYBODY THINK THIS
BOOK IS OBSCENE OR DANGEROUS?
- KILL JOHN LENNON.
KILL JOHN LENNON.
KILL JOHN LENNON!
HEY, DAD, WHERE DOES
JOHN LENNON LIVE?
- JOHN LENNON'S DEAD, BUTTERS.
- AW, DANG IT.
- DUDE, SOME PEOPLE REALLY DO
CONSIDER THIS OBSCENE.
- IT'S NOT OBSCENE, DUDE.
I'LL SHOW THEM
FUCKING OBSCENE.
- HEY, YEAH, WE SHOULD WRITE
OUR OWN BANNED BOOK.
- YEAH, WE COULD GET A BOOK
BANNED WAY MORE THAN THIS ONE.
- YEAH, SWEET.
- [muffIed]
-THE TALE OF...
-THE TALE
OF SCROTIE MCDICKENASS.
- [Iaughs]
[muffIed]
- OH, THAT--YEAH,
THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, "CHAPTER ONE"...
- "IT WAS A--
A WARM SPRING MORNING"...
[Iight acoustic guitar music]
-"THE TALE
OF SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS"?
"IT WAS A WARM SUMMER MORNING
WHEN SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
AWOKE TO FIND HIS"...
EW.
"HE TOOK A"...
WHAT?
OHH!
UGH!
OH, MY GOD!
"HE THEN GRABBED
HIS DOG'S"...
[gags]
OH!
[vomiting]
[coughs]
OH! OH, MY GOD!
"WALKING OUT OF HIS HOUSE,
HE SPOTTED A BLOODY
AND PUS COVERED"...
[gagging]
NO! NO!
[heaving]
NO! NO!
RANDY?
RANDY!
RANDY, YOU NEED TO READ THIS.
- READ WHAT?
- THIS BOOK!
OUR SON AND HIS FRIENDS
WROTE IT!
- SO?
- SO?
RANDY, IT'S--IT'S--
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
- HUH?
- I MEAN, IT'S DISGUSTING.
IT'S--IT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING
THING I'VE EVER READ,
BUT THE PLOT IS AMAZING,
AND THE CHARACTERS
ARE SO VIVID.
- "IT WAS
A WARM SUMMER MORNING
WHEN SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
AWOKE TO FIND HIS"--
EW! SHARON, GROSS!
- NO, NO, JUST KEEP READING!
- "HE TOOK A--AND THEN"...
OH, MA--OH!
THIS--
[vomiting]
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
RANDY, BUT TRUST ME.
YOU GOT TO PUSH THROUGH
TO THE END.
- NO, NO.
THAT'S JUST WRONG!
- RANDY, PLEASE!
YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME!
- "WALKING OUT OF THE HOUSE,
HE FOUND A BLOODY, PUS"--
WHAT?
"WHICH HE IMMEDIATELY STUCK UP
HIS INFECTED"--
[gags]
[groaning]
"THAT WAS ALL LONG AGO,
"IN SOME BRIEF, LOST SPRING
IN A PLACE THAT IS NO MORE.
"IN THAT HOUR,
THE VAJ FROGS BEGIN,
AND THE SCENT OFF SCROTIE'S
INFECTED ANUS COMES STRONGEST."
UGH!
OH, MAN.
- WELL?
- IT'S--IT'S AWESOME.
SHARON, IT'S--IT'S
THE BEST BOOK I'VE EVER READ.
- RIGHT?
IT'S NOT JUST ME!
- NO, IT'S--I MEAN, THE WHOLE
PART ABOUT AMSTERDAM, WOW.
- WHAT DO WE DO, RANDY?
WE CAN'T SUPPORT OUR SON TALKING
LIKE THIS, BUT I-I MEAN...
- NO, I-I KNOW.
PEOPLE NEED TO READ
THIS BOOK, SHARON.
THIS IS--THIS IS
PULITZER PRIZE STUFF.
- OH, HO!
YOU'RE DEAD, KENNY!
- VENGEANCE!
- GUYS, GUYS!
WE ARE TOTALLY FUCKED!
THE BOOK IS GONE
FROM MY DRESSER DRAWER!
MY PARENTS MUST HAVE FOUND IT!
- WHAT?
- SO WHY ARE WE ALL FUCKED?
THEY'LL THINK YOU WROTE IT ALL.
- HEY, HEY, I'M NOT TAKING
THE HEAT FOR THIS ALONE.
WE ALL WROTE IT.
IF I'M GOING DOWN, SOMEBODY
HAS TO GO DOWN WITH ME.
- WELL, IF I'M GOING DOWN,
CARTMAN'S GOING DOWN.
- AND IF I'M GOING DOWN,
BOTH KYLE AND KENNY
ARE DEFINITELY GOING DOWN.
- WELL, DUDE,
SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO GO DOWN!
- BUTTERS, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
- OH, HEY, FELLAS!
I'M JUST WATCHING
THE KARDASHIANS.
- TODAY MY SISTERS AND I ARE
GONNA HAVE TO WASH SOMETHING.
IT'S GONNA BLOW!
- KIM KARDASHIAN IS SO SEXY.
HER BUTT IS LIKE
A BIG MOUNTAIN OF PUDDING.
- BUTTERS, LISTEN,
YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
- I AM?
- YEAH, YOU REMEMBER
THAT BOOK YOU WROTE.
STAN'S MOM FOUND IT.
- OH, NO.
WHICH BOOK WAS THAT?
- DUDE, THE BOOK
YOU LEFT WITH US
WHEN YOU WERE
SLEEPWALKING LAST NIGHT.
- I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THAT.
[gasps]
BUT IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
EVER SINCE I READ
CATCHER IN THE RYE,
I'VE BEEN HAVING
THESE BLACKOUTS--
CRAZY THOUGHTS OF WANTING
TO KILL THE PHONIES.
I MUST HAVE CHANNELED
ALL MY ANGST
INTO DARK WRITINGS
IN MY SLEEP.
- ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WE NEED
TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.
WE'VE ALL READ THE BOOK NOW,
AND IT IS VERY SHOCKING,
TO SAY THE LEAST.
- OKAY, WELL, ACTUALLY,
IT WAS ALL WRITTEN BY BUTTERS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- BUTTERS?
IS THAT TRUE?
- YEAH, I BARELY EVEN
REMEMBER IT, BUT I KNOW I DID--
- WELL, BUTTERS, WE THINK
THAT THIS IS ONE OF THE OF
THE BEST BOOKS WE'VE EVER READ.
- HUH?
- WHAT?
- YEAH, REALLY AMAZING.
- OH, THANKS.
- WE WERE ACTUALLY SO MOVED
BY YOUR BOOK, BUTTERS,
THAT WE BROUGHT
MR. NEEDLEBAUM
FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING
TO READ IT.
- MR. BUTTERS, WE WOULD LIKE
TO OFFER YOU A DEAL
FOR FIRST PUBLISHING RIGHTS
TO YOUR BRILLIANT NOVEL.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT'S OURS!
- YEAH, WE WROTE THAT!
- OKAY, BOYS,
YOU ALREADY TOLD THE TRUTH.
- NO, NO,
WE--WE REALLY DID WRITE IT.
TELL THEM, BUTTERS.
- I WROTE THAT.
[parents chattering excitedIy]
- WHAT? HEY!
- IT IS BEING CALLED
THE MOST DISGUSTING,
FOUL, SICKENING BOOK
EVER WRITTEN,
AND IT IS ALSO BEING CALLED
LITERARY GENIUS.
THE TALE OF
SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
HIT THE SHELVES
THIS WEEKEND,
AND SO FAR, NO ONE
HAS BEEN ABLE TO GET
THROUGH THE FIRST PARAGRAPH
WITHOUT VOMITING.
THE BOOK HAS ALREADY SOLD
MILLIONS OF COPIES WORLDWIDE
AND HAS BEEN TRANSLATED
INTO 26 LANGUAGES.
- [reading in native Ianguage]
SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS...
[aII vomiting]
- [continues reading
in native Ianguage]
[aII vomiting]
- [grunts]
[continues reading
in native Ianguage]
SARAH JESSICA PARKER...
[aII vomiting]
- THE BOOK IS CHANGING
THE LITERARY WORLD,
AND IT IS ALL THANKS
TO LEOPOLD "BUTTERS" STOTCH.
[schooI beII rings]
[chiIdren chattering]
- HEY, HERE HE COMES.
- AMAZING BOOK, BUTTERS.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU CHANGED MY LIFE,
YOUNG MAN.
- THAT'S NICE.
- BUTTERS, WHAT THE FUCK
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
- JUST ENJOYING MYSELF.
WHY, ERIC?
- BUTTERS, YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL
YOU DIDN'T WRITE THAT BOOK.
- BUT YOU TOLD ME I DID.
- YEAH, BUT THAT'S
WHEN WE THOUGHT
WE WERE GONNA GET
IN TROUBLE, ASSHOLE!
- HEY, HEY, YOU GUYS LEAVE
BUTTERS ALONE.
HE'S A VERY FRAGILE ARTIST.
- HE'S SO BROODING
AND FULL OF ANGST.
- YEAH, I'M BROODING.
- BUTTERS DOESN'T DESERVE
ANY CREDIT
FOR SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS.
WE DESERVE ALL THE CREDIT.
- OH, GOD,
YOU GUYS ARE PATHETIC.
- YEAH, GET A LIFE
AND STOP MOOCHING OFF
OTHERS' SUCCESS FOR ONCE.
- GOD DAMN IT!
- BUTTERS,
DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'S FAIR
TO LIE LIKE THIS?
LET ME TELL YOU,
IF YOU DON'T--
- NO, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, FELLAS!
YOU ALWAYS
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME,
AND AFTER READING
CATCHER IN THE RYE,
I'VE LEARNED
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT PHONIES.
I'M NOT LETTING YOU
TRICK ME THIS TIME.
SO THE FOUR OF YOU
CAN JUST SUCK ON MY WIENER!
- THAT INCONSIDERATE JERK.
- TODAY ON TODAY...
WE MEET THE AUTHOR OF THE BOOK
THAT HAS SWEPT THE NATION
AND HAS NOW SPAWNED
TV'S MOST POPULAR GAME SHOW!
[timer beeping]
THE BOOK IS FULL
OF DISGUSTING WORDS AND ACTS,
INCLUDING
SARAH JESSICA PARKER,
WHO IS MENTIONED 465 TIMES.
MATTHEW BRODERICK,
ARE YOU UPSET
YOUR WIFE IS MADE FUN OF
SO MUCH IN THE BOOK?
- WELL, OBVIOUSLY,
I JUST THINK IT'S WRONG
TO MAKE FUN OF ANYBODY'S
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.
MY WIFE IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,
AND I KNOW THAT MOST PEOPLE
AGREE WITH ME.
- UH-HUH. AND, MATTHEW, HOW COME
A TRANSVESTITE DONKEY WITCH
IS STANDING NEXT TO YOU,
AND WHY IS IT WEARING A DRESS?
- JOINING US NOW IS THE AUTHOR
OF THE BOOK, LEOPOLD STOTCH,
ALONG WITH HIS PARENTS.
- HELLO, MATT.
- HI, EVERYONE.
- YOU MUST BE PRETTY PROUD
OF YOUR SON.
- OH, WE CERTAINLY ARE.
WE'RE THRILLED TO LEARN
HE IS SO VERY TALENTED.
- AND WE ALSO UNDERSTAND
THAT YOUR SON IS GROUNDED.
IS THAT CORRECT?
- YES, WE DID
HAVE TO GROUND HIM
FOR THE LANGUAGE
IN THE NOVEL, OF COURSE.
- I HAVE TO COME
RIGHT TO MY ROOM AFTER SCHOOL.
- BUT WE ARE VERY,
VERY PROUD NONETHELESS.
- YOUNG MAN, NOW THAT
YOU'RE A RESPECTED AUTHOR,
HAVE YOU MET
ANY FAMOUS PEOPLE?
- NOT YET, BUT AS SOON
AS I'M NOT GROUNDED ANYMORE,
I'M HOPING TO MEET
KIM KARDASHIAN.
I WANT TO JUMP ON HER BELLY.
- ALL RIGHT, UH, BUTTERS,
MY FAVORITE PART OF YOUR NOVEL
WAS WHEN
SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
SLID HIS HEAD
UP INTO THE HORSE'S--
[vomiting vioIentIy]
[beIches]
[spitting]
[heaves, spits]
SORRY.
WAS THAT CHAPTER
A SLAM ON HEALTH CARE REFORM
AS PEOPLE HAVE SUGGESTED?
- UH, YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.
I-I THINK--THINK SO.
- IS THAT WHY
THE DOCTOR CHARACTER
PULLS OUT ALL THE STRING--
[vomiting vioIentIy]
[spitting]
- LITTLE BOY,
ARE YOU EVER WORRIED
SOMEBODY MIGHT TAKE YOUR BOOK
WRONG AND TRY TO KILL SOMEONE
LIKE WHEN THAT GUY
TRIED TO SHOOT RONALD REAGAN
AFTER READING
CATCHER IN THE RYE?
- OH, IS THAT WHO THE BOOK
WAS TELLING ME TO KILL?
OH.
KILL RONALD REAGAN.
KILL RONALD REAGAN!
- RONALD REAGAN
IS DEAD NOW, BUTTERS.
- OH, REALLY?
AH, GOSH DANG IT.
- MORE AND MORE OF US ARE
AGAINST THIS BOOK EVERY DAY.
THE AUTHOR IS CRUEL
AND OFFENSIVE.
AND FOR THESE REASONS,
WE DEMAND THIS BOOK BE BANNED
FROM ALL SCHOOLS,
STORES, AND LIBRARIES.
THIS BOOK IS NOTHING
BUT SMUT AND VULGARITY
PURELY FOR THE SAKE
OF SMUT AND VULGARITY.
- THAT'S JUST BECAUSE
YOU'RE TOO YOUNG
TO UNDERSTAND
THE UNDERLYING THEMES.
- THERE ARE
NO UNDERLYING THEMES!
WE KNOW THAT FOR A FACT!
- YOU JUST FAILED TO UNDERSTAND
WHAT THE AUTHOR MEANT.
- THE AUTHOR MEANT TO BE
AS GROSS AS POSSIBLE
BECAUSE IT WAS FUNNY.
- NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S SUCH
A SIMPLISTIC VIEW.
- GOD DAMN IT, THERE IS
NO DEEPER MEANING IN THIS BOOK.
READ IT AGAIN!
- OH, SO YOU'RE SUGGESTING
THAT THE AUTHOR
JUST ARBITRARILY MADE FUN
OF SARAH JESSICA PARKER
FOR NO REASON.
- YES!
- BUT WHAT WOULD BE
THE POINT?
- THERE'S IS NO POINT!
IT'S JUST BECAUSE
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
IS FUCKING UGLY!
- NO WRITER
WOULD TAKE THE TIME
TO MAKE FUN OF
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
JUST BECAUSE THEY THINK
SHE'S UGLY.
boys: YES, THEY WOULD!
- IT IS BECAUSE
MS. JESSICA PARKER
IS A METAPHOR IN THE BOOK
FOR OPPRESSION
FELT BY THE LOWER CLASS.
- WHAT?
DUDE, THAT IS NOT
IN THE BOOK AT ALL!
- BOYS, THIS BOOK
IS AN IMPORTANT LOOK
AT HOW LIBERALS ARE HURTING
THIS COUNTRY, AND WE--
- WHAT?
SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
IS THE MOST CONSERVATIVE-HATING
LIBERAL IN LITERATURE!
- WHAT BOOK DID YOU READ?
- THERE'S NOTHING
ABOUT LIBERALS OR CONSERVATIVES!
- OH, YEAH, THEN WHY DOES
SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S
BUTT CHEESE
END UP
IN SCROTIE'S MILKSHAKE?
- [vomiting]
- BREAKING NEWS FROM ACCLAIMED
AUTHOR LEOPOLD STOTCH.
THE ARTIST HAS ANNOUNCED
THAT HE IS WORKING
ON A SECOND NOVEL,
AS A FOLLOW-UP TO HIS
WILDLY SUCCESSFUL BEST SELLER.
WE GOT A STATEMENT
FROM THE WRITER,
WHO IS STILL GROUNDED
IN HIS ROOM.
CAN YOU GIVE THE PUBLIC ANY IDEA
WHAT THE NEW BOOK IS ABOUT?
- WELL, IT'S KIND OF ABOUT
LOVE AND BETRAYAL,
THE INNER WORKINGS
OF THE HUMAN MIND!
- WILL IT BE AS SICK AND
DISGUSTING AS YOUR FIRST BOOK?
- OH, IT'S RAUNCHY, ALL RIGHT!
I KNOW WHAT MY READERS WANT,
AND I'M GOING TO DELIVER!
- BUTTERS,
AWAY FROM THE WINDOW!
YOU ARE BEING GROUNDED!
- SORRY, DAD, I WAS JUST BEING
THE VOICE OF A GENERATION.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY WON'T BAN OUR BOOK.
- I KNOW.
IT'S SO MUCH WORSE THAN
"CATCHER IN THE RETARDED RYE"!
- [muffIed]
- ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS,
I KNOW WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.
WE'VE GOT TO KILL
SARAH JESSICA PARKER.
- WHAT?
- THINK ABOUT IT, GUYS.
IF SOMEBODY KILLS
SARAH JESSICA PARKER,
THEN THEY'LL ASSUME
THAT SOMEBODY DID IT
BECAUSE OF WHAT WAS
IN THE BOOK.
THEN THE BOOK WILL GET BANNED.
- DUDE, WE'RE NOT KILLING
SARAH JESSICA PARKER!
- SHH.
BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
WE DON'T HAVE TO KILL HER.
WE CAN JUST HELP HER
GET KILLED.
- SHUT UP, CARTMAN.
JUST FACE IT.
WE LOST THIS ONE.
- KENNY, WE ONLY HAVE
TO HELP HER GET KILLED,
AND THEN WE TOTALLY GET BACK
AT BUTTERS.
- [muffIed] OKAY.
- MS. JESSICA PARKER,
OVER HERE.
- WELL, THE DAY
HAS FINALLY ARRIVED.
THE EAGERLY AWAITED
SECOND NOVEL
FROM THE AUTHOR
OF SCROTIE MCBOOGERBALLS
HIT THE SHELVES
THIS MORNING,
AND APPARENTLY
BOOKSTORES ARE JAMMED.
- AL, HOW IS IT OUT THERE?
- I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU CAN SEE THIS, GUYS,
BUT THE--THE LINE STRETCHES
ALL THE WAY AROUND THE BLOCK--
PEOPLE WAITING FOR THEIR TURN
TO GET INSIDE THE BOOKSTORE
AND READ THE NOVEL.
AND THEY'VE BROUGHT TRASH BAGS
AND BUCKETS TO THROW UP IN--
JUST A FESTIVE ATMOSPHERE HERE,
MATT AND MEREDITH.
- WELL, WE'VE GOT
OUR VOMIT BUCKETS READY TOO,
BECAUSE COMING UP,
A VERY SPECIAL IN-STUDIO TREAT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A READING
OF THE FIRST FIVE CHAPTERS
OF THE BOOK
HERE LIVE IN OUR STUDIO.
NOW, WE MUST WARN YOU
THAT THIS IS
FROM THE SAME AUTHOR
WHO WROTE THE MOST GRAPHIC,
OBSCENE NOVEL OF ALL TIME,
SO BRACE YOURSELVES
FOR SOME VERY HARSH LANGUAGE.
TAKE IT AWAY, MORGAN FREEMAN.
-"THE POOP THAT TOOK A PEE.
"CHAPTER ONE.
"DOUGLAS HAD TO POOP.
"HIS BUTT WAS ALL STINKY
"BECAUSE HE HAD TO POOP
SO BADLY.
"THERE WAS A GROSS WOMAN
NAMED REBECCA
"WHO WAS SUNBATHING
ALL NAKED,
"AND SHE WAS FAT.
"DOUGLAS WALKED UP TO HER
AND SAID, 'I NEED TO POOP.'
"'OKAY,' REBECCA REPLIED.
"'I LIKE POOP.'
"DOUGLAS SQUATTED DOWN...
"OVER THE FAT, SUNBATHING LADY
"AND WENT POOP.
"THE POOP SAT THERE
ON REBECCA'S BOOBS,
"LOOKING LIKE A WIENER.
CHAPTER TWO"...
- [imitating moose caII]
- SEE ANY HUNTERS YET?
- [muffIed]
- DOING GOOD,
MS. JESSICA PARKER.
JUST HANG OUT RIGHT THERE.
- GUYS! STOP! STOP!
WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS!
- [muffIed] HUH?
- BUTTERS WROTE
A SECOND BOOK!
- SO WHAT?
- SO, DUDE, IF BUTTERS
WROTE A SECOND BOOK,
THEN EVERYONE'S GONNA KNOW
HE COULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN
THE FIRST ONE.
- WE CAN GET PEOPLE
TO BELIEVE US NOW!
- OH, DUDE, SWEET!
- "'WHY ARE WE HERE?'
DOUGLAS CRIED,
"AS POOP CAME OUT
HIS WIENER
"IN A LONG, THIN STRIP.
"IT WAS WIENER POOP,
WHICH IS
THE GROSSEST POOP OF ALL."
- "THE PEE-PEE GOT
ON THE WOMAN'S LEG,
AND SHE SCREAMED,
POOPING OUT HER BOOBS."
- "AND SO WHEN THE PEE
GOT MIXED WITH THE POOP,
IT SMELLED LIKE A BUTT."
- OH, DUDE, THIS IS EVEN LAMER
THAN WE THOUGHT.
- PEOPLE ARE GONNA WANT
BUTTERS' HEAD ON A PLATTER!
- ARE YOU READING THIS, MARCIA?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- SO FAR, I THINK IT--
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
I-IT MIGHT BE BETTER
THAN HIS FIRST BOOK.
- I AGREE.
IT WASN'T AS EDGY,
BUT IT'S LIKE HE'S GONE
BACK TO HIS ROOTS.
- WHAT?
- YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
YOU PEOPLE LIKE THIS?
- SOME OF THE IMAGERY
IS UNBELIEVABLE.
- A WOMAN POOPING OUT HER BOOBS
IS NOT GOOD IMAGERY!
- SAYS YOU.
YOU MUST BE
A PRO-LIFE NUT, HUH?
DIDN'T LIKE WHAT THE BOOK
HAD TO SAY?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS BOOK
IS AS PRO-LIFE AS IT GETS!
- OH, COME ON!
- GOD DAMN IT!
WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP READING
INTO STUFF THAT ISN'T THERE?
- "AND THE POOP AND THE PEE
LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
THE END."
KILL THE PHONIES.
- TODAY MY SISTERS AND I
ARE GOING TO SHOP FOR UNDERWEAR!
aII: YAY!
- CAN I GO WITH YOU, GIRLS?
[screaming]
- OUR NATION IS STILL REELING
FROM THE TRAGIC DEATHS
OF THE KARDASHIANS.
THE SHOOTER CLAIMS HE WAS DRIVEN
TO COMMIT THE SLAUGHTER
IMMEDIATELY AFTER READING
THE POOP THAT TOOK A PEE
BY LEOPOLD "BUTTERS" STOTCH.
IT'S ALL OVER...
THE KARDASHIANS--WIPED OUT...
IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE...
ALL BECAUSE ONE LITTLE PRICK...
HAD TO GO AND WRITE A BOOK.
LEOPOLD STOTCH...
I HOPE THEY BURY YOU...
YOU EVIL FUCK!
- DUDE, PEOPLE ARE PISSED OFF
AT YOU, BUTTERS.
- [muffIed]
I KNOW.
- THEY'RE SAYING THEY'RE GONNA
BAN BOTH YOUR BOOKS NOW,
COMPLETELY!
YOU'RE NOT MAKING
ANY MORE MONEY.
- [crying]
YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT?
MY WRITING
GOT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
IN THE WORLD KILLED!
[sobbing]
I LOVED HER!
AND NOW SHE'S GONE,
AND IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!
- UH, OH, BUTTERS,
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, WE'VE ALL LEARNED
THAT PEOPLE LOOK
FOR MEANING IN BOOKS.
AND SOMETIMES,
EVEN IF IT ISN'T THERE,
THEY'LL TRY AND INVENT
THEIR OWN MEANING.
- YEAH, DUDE.
THAT'S WHY WE ALL NEED
TO AVOID BOOKS
AND STICK TO TELEVISION.
- THA--THANKS, FELLAS.
I'LL DEFINITELY
NEVER WRITE AGAIN.
I THINK I CAN GET OVER THIS.
- THAT'S GOOD, BUTTERS, BECAUSE
WE NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
- WHAT?
- [sighs]
YOU WERE SLEEPWALKING AGAIN
AND DRESSED SARAH JESSICA
PARKER UP IN A MOOSE SUIT.
YOU LEFT HER IN THE FOREST,
AND SHE GOT SHOT BY A HUNTER.
- WHAT? OH, NO!
- YEP, SORRY.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO COME DOWN
AND ADMIT IT WAS YOU.
- AW, I GOT HER KILLED TOO?
OH, WELL,
AT LEAST SHE WAS UGLY.