South Park (1997–…): Season 14, Episode 12 - Mysterion Rises - full transcript
Mysterion assumes control of South Park's superhero alliance after The Coon is kicked out. Meanwhile, The Coon plots his plan for revenge by conspiring with the enemy, and where is Captain Hindsight when the world needs him?
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna have myself a time #
# friendly faces everywhere #
# humble folks
without temptation #
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna leave my woes behind #
# ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor #
# headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind #
# come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine #
- I am mysterion.
Though only nine years old,
I dedicate my life
to helping people...
When I am not in school.
For months now, I have been
protecting my town from crime.
But now,
something has happened
which even I
cannot fight alone.
The BP oil company
has drilled
and caused a spill
in the Gulf like no other.
The president of BP
apologized.
- We're sorry.
- But they drilled again
and tore open a portal
into another dimension.
- We're sorry.
- Creatures from
that dimension
are now wreaking havoc
in the Gulf.
BP tried to solve the problem
by drilling on the moon,
but instead, they caused
the dark lord cthulhu to emerge.
- Sorry.
- I have joined forces
with other superheroes
in my neighborhood
to help save the Gulf.
But even the other heroes
do not know,
that unlike them,
I do have a power.
A power they will now
begin to understand.
And all will know
who and what I truly am.
- Just terrific
what you boys are doing.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- I'll take 20 lemon bars,
you little rascals!
- A terrific human interest
story here, tom.
As America wonders
what happened to
captain hindsight,
some Colorado kids are being
a little "super human"
themselves.
They call themselves
coon and friends,
and they've been baking
and selling lemon bars
to help aid those affected
in the Gulf crisis.
- We believe that
every little bit helps.
- Their little super club
consists of seven
young heroes.
- Toolshed!
- The human kite!
- Mysterion!
- Tupperware!
- Mosquito!
- Timmy!
- Mintberry crrrunch!
- The boys stated
that there used to also be
a hero named the coon
actually in the group,
but they let him go because
he was being, quote,
"a dick."
- Mysterion,
if Cartman's gone,
why are we still calling
ourselves coon and friends?
- Because it pisses
Cartman off beyond belief...
And I find that
extremely funny.
- Passengers waiting for
flight 73 to new Orleans,
we thank you
for your patience,
but the conditions in the Gulf
are still delaying
our departure.
Unfortunately,
we've just been informed
that the dark lord cthulhu
has shat on the runway
at the new Orleans airport,
and we'll be delayed
at least another hour.
Passengers: Awww!
- Come on, people!
Some of us need to
get to new Orleans now!
Yes, yes, I am the coon.
- The coon?
I've heard of that!
- You have?
- I saw on TV!
That superhero group that's
helping with the Gulf spill!
Coon and friends!
- Actually, I'm no longer
with coon and friends.
I work on my own now.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yes, of course.
- Do you know
mintberry crunch?
What's he like?
Unh! Aaaaah!
- The evil girl villain
fought with all her might,
but the coon was
too much for her.
As people looked on
and cheered for the coon,
he clawed and punched
the villain's stupid, fat face.
This fight would not be
the last, the coon thought.
Next stop, new Orleans.
- That's almost it,
superheroes!
We're about
out of lemon bars!
- Well then,
perhaps we should return
to our secret base
and bake some more!
- Timmy!
- I'll take 10 lemon bars!
- Ten. Yes, sir!
- That's definitely
the last of 'em!
- You'll never stop him,
you know.
- Stop who?
- The great one.
Cthulhu.
He has risen, and soon all
will be under his rule.
It has all been foretold
in the necronomicon.
Hail cthulhu!
The darkness of the mythos
is finally here!
Oh, man, these are
really good lemon bars.
- The necronomicon?
- What's the mythos?
- I don't know, but I think
we better find out.
- Alright, superheroes,
back to our secret base!
- Mintberry crunch!
- What the hell?
- I knew it!
Cartman tore our base up.
Zzzt!
- Not Cartman.
- What do you mean
"not Cartman," dude?
- Whoever did this to our base
was looking for something.
- Don't anybody move!
So you're the superheroes
trying to blackmail me!
- Oh, dude,
it's captain hindsight.
- Captain hindsight!
The hero of the modern age!
Once a reporter
for the national news,
Jack brolin always had
a knack for hindsight.
Wanting to become
the best known reporter
in the country,
Jack tried an experiment
to boost his hindsight levels.
But then a freakish accident
occurred
when a retroactive spider
got into the equipment.
The reporter's hindsight was
blasted to superhuman levels.
For months he was able to use
his new powers for good,
fighting for peace
and the American way,
with his three
trusty companions,
shoulda, coulda, and woulda.
But now the hindsight
that has saved so many
threatens to consume
Jack's very soul.
It's captain hindsight!
I should've never mixed
vodka and Jack Daniels.
I should've just gone to bed
last night.
- Um, dude, are you okay?
- Where are the pictures?
Give every copy
of the pictures to me now!
- P-please, sir,
we don't know what you mean!
- You got pictures of me having
sex with Courtney love!
- Uhhh-ohhh.
- Chaos, why did you take
those pictures?
- But I... but the coon said
if I took the pictures,
he'd let me go home.
And I've missed like four days
of school now 'cause...
- All right, enough!
What's going on?
- Hindsight,
that isn't Courtney love.
Our former member,
the coon, tricked you.
- It's not Courtney love?
- Please, sir.
Put down the gun.
- No! What if I
put down the gun
and then realize
I shouldn't have?
- Look dude, we don't need to
play superhero anymore.
We can just go home.
- No!
Because I could realize
I should have killed you all!
- Then do it!
Pull the trigger, hindsight!
If you don't believe us,
then you don't have a choice!
Pull the trigger, you pussy!
- Dude, Kenny, chill out.
- You guys go!
I'll deal with this prick.
- Uh, okay, if you insist.
See ya, Kenny.
- My mom did tell me
I have to be home by 5:00.
- I said it's fine.
Just go!
- Uh, text me later, Kenny,
if you wanna, like,
play basketball or something.
- Cthulhu!
Cthulhu!
Dude, over here!
Hey, cthulhu.
What's up?
Yes, it is me, the coon!
But don't worry.
I'm actually not here
to fight you!
We are not so different,
cthulhu.
Though I am a superhero
and you are a dark God
from another dimension,
perhaps we can work together.
I know how it feels
to want to take over
and rule the earth
and have everyone else
be your slaves.
I do, bro.
But there's a group
of superhumans
who are going to
stop at nothing to stop you!
Good, I have your attention.
The superhumans I speak of
are right now working on plans
to destroy you.
They reside in Colorado,
and they are fucking assholes
and they all deserve to be
sent into a dark oblivion!
You can do that, right?
Send people
into a dark oblivion?
'Cause that's what
those buttholes deserve!
No, dude!
Dude, Colorado is that way!
Where are you going?
God damn it, why don't
dark lords fuckin' listen?
- It doesn't matter.
Even if the pictures
are fake,
I can't take it anymore!
Do you have any idea
what a curse it is
to have perfect
20/20 hindsight?
As soon
as something bad happens,
I immediately know how
it could have been avoided.
I can't take it anymore.
- People need you, hindsight.
Without you, they feel
helpless and stupid.
- Well, I don't want the power
anymore, all right?
- You think your power
is a curse?
Let me tell you something
about curses, buttlicker.
Because there are
some superpowers
that make yours
look like nothing.
Trust me, I know.
- What... what is your power?
- I can't die.
I've experienced death.
Countless times.
Sometimes I see
a bright light.
Sometimes I see heaven
or hell,
but eventually,
no matter what,
I wake up in my bed,
wearing my same old clothes.
And the worst part...
Nobody even
remembers me dying.
I go to school the next day,
and everyone is just like,
"oh, hey, Kenny."
Even if they had seen me
get decapitated
with their own eyes.
You wanna whine
about curses, hindsight?
You're talking to
the wrong fuckin' cowboy.
- And now,
a special announcement
from the president
of BP and dp.
- Hello.
I'm Tony hayward.
The tragic spill in the Gulf
is a disaster that should've
never happened.
And as head of the oil company
responsible,
I would like to say...
What should I do?
Should I admit
we've made mistakes?
Should I remind you
we've done this before?
What should I do?
Should I find newer and better
ways to say I'm sorry?
We're sorry.
- Should I really believe
I've ruined my legacy?
What should I do?
- What should I do?
- What should I do?
Should I forget
about the past
and not care
about my powers?
- Or should I tell you,
I am not a role model?
- Seriously,
what should I do?
- Should I accept my role
as the villain?
- Maybe I should just
disappear.
- Should I not have listened
to my technicians
who said a spill
wouldn't happen?
They're my technicians!
- Hindsight's a bitch,
isn't it?
- Should I just apologize
to my friends
and ask them to take me back?
Tell them that I was being
a selfish jerk?
What should I do?
- Should I get back
in the chair,
remove my powers
and just go back to
being a simple reporter?
- Should I admit I was wrong,
ask for everyone's
forgiveness,
and go back to
my original team?
Nah, screw that.
I'm just gonna keep being
a fucking dick.
- All right, superheroes!
We've got to find out more
about this
necronomicon thing!
- Right, toolshed!
Zzzt!
- Here we go!
The necronomicon contains
an account of the old ones,
their history, and the means
for summoning them.
- It is used by cults
around the world,
most notably,
the cult of cthulhu.
- Ah-ha!
That's the cult the creepy man
talked about, heroes!
Uh, you okay, mysterion?
- I'm fine.
- Ten arrested in South Park
for cultist activity.
This is from, like,
ten years ago.
- So these people
have been waiting
for cthulhu a long time.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Dude! Mysterion,
it's your parents!
- Uh, what?
What the fuck?
I mean, what the fuck?
- Clyde!
Clyde, I told you this morning
to take the garbage out.
Clyde, do you hear me?
- Okay, mom.
Just gimme two minutes.
Nag, nag, nag. Zzzt!
- Convincing a giant creature
from another dimension
to do what you want
is no easy task.
After days of killing
and conquering,
cthulhu is at rest.
Now is my chance to
make a move.
Perhaps last time
I was too forceful
with the dark God,
too demanding.
To get what it wants,
sometimes a coon must be
on the attack and vicious!
But sometimes, a coon must be
cuddly and cute.
Time for me to try
and manipulate
the most evil thing
in all the universe.
- Heh! Who's
a sleepy little man?
My name is the little coon!
What is your name?
- Kraaaaaa!
- You're a sleepy man, eh?
Cthulhu.
Who's a needs a tummy rub?
- You're hogging it all,
asshole.
- 'Cause I paid for it,
you stupid bitch.
- You paid for it
with the money I made
washin' dishes
at the olive garden!
- I told you to shut up!
- Give it to me, you prick!
Both:
- Aah!
Oh God, he's back!
It's that mystery kid again!
- What the hell
do you want this time?
Hey, look, we did
what you told us.
We treat our kids better
and we don't beat each
other up as much!
- And we gave our sons
allowances
and stopped getting high
every night.
- I'm not here about that.
- Oh? So, now what?
- Ten years ago,
you were arrested
for being in
some kind of cult.
- We were?
- We've been arrested
lots of times, mysterio.
- Mysterion.
What is the cult of cthulhu?
- Oh, that thing.
No, we weren't
in that stupid group.
They just used to offer
free beer at their meetings,
so we would go.
- What happened
at those meetings?
- Trust us, we don't remember.
I know it sounds
hard to believe,
but we were actually
really drunk the entire time.
- I don't find that
hard to believe at all.
- I swear
we haven't been back
to their meetings
ever since.
Even though we always
still get invited.
- These people still meet?
Where?
- Where they always did.
Jim mcelroy's house.
- They used to meet
every Friday night.
I think they still do.
Did that really
just happen?
- I don't think so.
- Breaking news
here in the Gulf, tom.
The dark ancient God cthulhu
has called for
a press conference.
The old one told reporters
in a statement
released this morning
that it has
extremely exciting news.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
today we are
pleased to announce
the successful merger
of cthulhu and the coon.
Cthulhu's track record
for complete dominance
and interdimensionary rule
is without question,
and now,
coupled with the legitimacy
and instantly recognizable
brand name of the coon,
we intend to bring change
and fight injustice,
as the all-new
coon and friends.
And anybody else using
that name for their benefit
is breaking the law.
Oh, what's that?
There is another group
using our trademarked name?
Well, I guess
we have the right
to banish them to
a dark oblivion, don't we?
All: Ph'nglui
mglw'nafh cthulhu
r'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
- The old one has awakened!
A lot of us have waited
a long time for this day!
Well, for all our South Park
cthulhu cult members,
old and new,
it is time to par-tay!
- There must be clubs like this
all over the world.
- We know
some of these people.
There's Mr. adler
from shop class.
And those two geeky
computer guys.
- Oh, my God. Look.
Back row.
Aren't those the goth kids?
- I'm so freaking stoked
that cthulhu is gonna squash
all the happy-go-lucky
conformists.
- Yeah. I just hope
he puts an end
to the fucking
Disney channel.
- Dude, why would the goth kids
worship cthulhu?
- Makes sense.
Unrelenting despair and
a thousand years of darkness
sounds pretty goth.
- Now let us read
from the necronomicon!
"That is not dead
which can eternal lie."
"And with strange aeons..."
- Even death may die!
- In strange aeons
even death may die?
What does that mean,
human kite?
- I'm not sure, toolshed.
Could it be a riddle,
mysterion?
M-mysterion?
- Mysterion is so...
Mysterious.
- A horrific scene
of destruction,
despair, and terror
here in new Orleans.
And still, there is no sign
of captain hindsight.
Rumor has it,
he got sick of it all,
went back to his chair,
and removed all his powers.
- Where are you,
captain hindsight?
Aggh!
- Perhaps he shouldn't have
gotten back in that chair.
- Do you think
the dark lord cthulhu
is gonna make us
go to school?
- No, ass-munch.
Cthulhu just wants chaos,
bedlam, and madness.
- Good. 'Cause if I had to go
to p.E. Class again,
I was gonna kill myself.
Who the effing "h" is that?
- What does it mean?
"That is not dead
which can eternal lie?"
- "And with strange aeons
even death may die."
- What does it mean?
- It means cthulhu is gonna
get rid of all the posers
and make everything cool
and black and stuff.
It's gonna be like
a nine inch nails concert
that goes on forever.
- Yeah, so go home
and put your underwear
back inside
your pants, poser.
- You're going to tell me
everything you know.
- Nobody is stopping
cthulhu now!
All will be sadness!
Life will become death
and I will watch the crimson
blood leak from your neck.
- Dude, that little kid
is hardcore goth.
- Hardcore goth.
- The child is right,
you know.
Cthulhu sees all.
Hears all.
The dark lord wants us to
dispense of this one, kids.
Give us a hand.
- What?
Dude, I don't wanna
kill anybody.
- We're dark lord minions
now, wuss.
What did you think
we'd be doing?
- Ugh. Whatevs.
- Too-too-loo cthulhu
cthulhu cthulhu
- yeah!
- The evil
hate-filled cthulhu
from a dimension far away
flying through
gates of madness
and into your heart
- yeah! Fuck all you!
- Turning dreams
into nightmares
- lick my balls!
- Destroying all he sees
- now begins a new adventure
for meeeeee
- you and the dark one
cthulhu
sharing adventures
and smiles
it's a magical bond
two pals can share
soon the whole world
will be made aware
of you
and the death lord cthulhu
making the world
a better place
together you will have
so much fun
- sending all my stupid
friends to oblivion
- you and the dark one
cthulhu
- suck it, bitches!
- Just hold still
and it will be over quickly!
- Zzzzzzt!
Let him go!
Coon and friends, ho!
Mosquito!
- Toolshed!
- Tupperware!
- Timmy!
- Human kite!
- Mintberry crunch!
- Let him go, dude,
or else we'll totally tell
our parents on you.
- Sorry, kids.
It's a little late for that.
- Unh!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
They... they killed Kenny!
- You bastards!
- Dude, Kenny,
What'd you run away for?
We gotta fight these guys!
- Yeah come on!
Get your costume on, lazy ass!
- Let's go!
- Mintberry crunch!
down to South Park #
# gonna have myself a time #
# friendly faces everywhere #
# humble folks
without temptation #
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna leave my woes behind #
# ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor #
# headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind #
# come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine #
- I am mysterion.
Though only nine years old,
I dedicate my life
to helping people...
When I am not in school.
For months now, I have been
protecting my town from crime.
But now,
something has happened
which even I
cannot fight alone.
The BP oil company
has drilled
and caused a spill
in the Gulf like no other.
The president of BP
apologized.
- We're sorry.
- But they drilled again
and tore open a portal
into another dimension.
- We're sorry.
- Creatures from
that dimension
are now wreaking havoc
in the Gulf.
BP tried to solve the problem
by drilling on the moon,
but instead, they caused
the dark lord cthulhu to emerge.
- Sorry.
- I have joined forces
with other superheroes
in my neighborhood
to help save the Gulf.
But even the other heroes
do not know,
that unlike them,
I do have a power.
A power they will now
begin to understand.
And all will know
who and what I truly am.
- Just terrific
what you boys are doing.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- I'll take 20 lemon bars,
you little rascals!
- A terrific human interest
story here, tom.
As America wonders
what happened to
captain hindsight,
some Colorado kids are being
a little "super human"
themselves.
They call themselves
coon and friends,
and they've been baking
and selling lemon bars
to help aid those affected
in the Gulf crisis.
- We believe that
every little bit helps.
- Their little super club
consists of seven
young heroes.
- Toolshed!
- The human kite!
- Mysterion!
- Tupperware!
- Mosquito!
- Timmy!
- Mintberry crrrunch!
- The boys stated
that there used to also be
a hero named the coon
actually in the group,
but they let him go because
he was being, quote,
"a dick."
- Mysterion,
if Cartman's gone,
why are we still calling
ourselves coon and friends?
- Because it pisses
Cartman off beyond belief...
And I find that
extremely funny.
- Passengers waiting for
flight 73 to new Orleans,
we thank you
for your patience,
but the conditions in the Gulf
are still delaying
our departure.
Unfortunately,
we've just been informed
that the dark lord cthulhu
has shat on the runway
at the new Orleans airport,
and we'll be delayed
at least another hour.
Passengers: Awww!
- Come on, people!
Some of us need to
get to new Orleans now!
Yes, yes, I am the coon.
- The coon?
I've heard of that!
- You have?
- I saw on TV!
That superhero group that's
helping with the Gulf spill!
Coon and friends!
- Actually, I'm no longer
with coon and friends.
I work on my own now.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yes, of course.
- Do you know
mintberry crunch?
What's he like?
Unh! Aaaaah!
- The evil girl villain
fought with all her might,
but the coon was
too much for her.
As people looked on
and cheered for the coon,
he clawed and punched
the villain's stupid, fat face.
This fight would not be
the last, the coon thought.
Next stop, new Orleans.
- That's almost it,
superheroes!
We're about
out of lemon bars!
- Well then,
perhaps we should return
to our secret base
and bake some more!
- Timmy!
- I'll take 10 lemon bars!
- Ten. Yes, sir!
- That's definitely
the last of 'em!
- You'll never stop him,
you know.
- Stop who?
- The great one.
Cthulhu.
He has risen, and soon all
will be under his rule.
It has all been foretold
in the necronomicon.
Hail cthulhu!
The darkness of the mythos
is finally here!
Oh, man, these are
really good lemon bars.
- The necronomicon?
- What's the mythos?
- I don't know, but I think
we better find out.
- Alright, superheroes,
back to our secret base!
- Mintberry crunch!
- What the hell?
- I knew it!
Cartman tore our base up.
Zzzt!
- Not Cartman.
- What do you mean
"not Cartman," dude?
- Whoever did this to our base
was looking for something.
- Don't anybody move!
So you're the superheroes
trying to blackmail me!
- Oh, dude,
it's captain hindsight.
- Captain hindsight!
The hero of the modern age!
Once a reporter
for the national news,
Jack brolin always had
a knack for hindsight.
Wanting to become
the best known reporter
in the country,
Jack tried an experiment
to boost his hindsight levels.
But then a freakish accident
occurred
when a retroactive spider
got into the equipment.
The reporter's hindsight was
blasted to superhuman levels.
For months he was able to use
his new powers for good,
fighting for peace
and the American way,
with his three
trusty companions,
shoulda, coulda, and woulda.
But now the hindsight
that has saved so many
threatens to consume
Jack's very soul.
It's captain hindsight!
I should've never mixed
vodka and Jack Daniels.
I should've just gone to bed
last night.
- Um, dude, are you okay?
- Where are the pictures?
Give every copy
of the pictures to me now!
- P-please, sir,
we don't know what you mean!
- You got pictures of me having
sex with Courtney love!
- Uhhh-ohhh.
- Chaos, why did you take
those pictures?
- But I... but the coon said
if I took the pictures,
he'd let me go home.
And I've missed like four days
of school now 'cause...
- All right, enough!
What's going on?
- Hindsight,
that isn't Courtney love.
Our former member,
the coon, tricked you.
- It's not Courtney love?
- Please, sir.
Put down the gun.
- No! What if I
put down the gun
and then realize
I shouldn't have?
- Look dude, we don't need to
play superhero anymore.
We can just go home.
- No!
Because I could realize
I should have killed you all!
- Then do it!
Pull the trigger, hindsight!
If you don't believe us,
then you don't have a choice!
Pull the trigger, you pussy!
- Dude, Kenny, chill out.
- You guys go!
I'll deal with this prick.
- Uh, okay, if you insist.
See ya, Kenny.
- My mom did tell me
I have to be home by 5:00.
- I said it's fine.
Just go!
- Uh, text me later, Kenny,
if you wanna, like,
play basketball or something.
- Cthulhu!
Cthulhu!
Dude, over here!
Hey, cthulhu.
What's up?
Yes, it is me, the coon!
But don't worry.
I'm actually not here
to fight you!
We are not so different,
cthulhu.
Though I am a superhero
and you are a dark God
from another dimension,
perhaps we can work together.
I know how it feels
to want to take over
and rule the earth
and have everyone else
be your slaves.
I do, bro.
But there's a group
of superhumans
who are going to
stop at nothing to stop you!
Good, I have your attention.
The superhumans I speak of
are right now working on plans
to destroy you.
They reside in Colorado,
and they are fucking assholes
and they all deserve to be
sent into a dark oblivion!
You can do that, right?
Send people
into a dark oblivion?
'Cause that's what
those buttholes deserve!
No, dude!
Dude, Colorado is that way!
Where are you going?
God damn it, why don't
dark lords fuckin' listen?
- It doesn't matter.
Even if the pictures
are fake,
I can't take it anymore!
Do you have any idea
what a curse it is
to have perfect
20/20 hindsight?
As soon
as something bad happens,
I immediately know how
it could have been avoided.
I can't take it anymore.
- People need you, hindsight.
Without you, they feel
helpless and stupid.
- Well, I don't want the power
anymore, all right?
- You think your power
is a curse?
Let me tell you something
about curses, buttlicker.
Because there are
some superpowers
that make yours
look like nothing.
Trust me, I know.
- What... what is your power?
- I can't die.
I've experienced death.
Countless times.
Sometimes I see
a bright light.
Sometimes I see heaven
or hell,
but eventually,
no matter what,
I wake up in my bed,
wearing my same old clothes.
And the worst part...
Nobody even
remembers me dying.
I go to school the next day,
and everyone is just like,
"oh, hey, Kenny."
Even if they had seen me
get decapitated
with their own eyes.
You wanna whine
about curses, hindsight?
You're talking to
the wrong fuckin' cowboy.
- And now,
a special announcement
from the president
of BP and dp.
- Hello.
I'm Tony hayward.
The tragic spill in the Gulf
is a disaster that should've
never happened.
And as head of the oil company
responsible,
I would like to say...
What should I do?
Should I admit
we've made mistakes?
Should I remind you
we've done this before?
What should I do?
Should I find newer and better
ways to say I'm sorry?
We're sorry.
- Should I really believe
I've ruined my legacy?
What should I do?
- What should I do?
- What should I do?
Should I forget
about the past
and not care
about my powers?
- Or should I tell you,
I am not a role model?
- Seriously,
what should I do?
- Should I accept my role
as the villain?
- Maybe I should just
disappear.
- Should I not have listened
to my technicians
who said a spill
wouldn't happen?
They're my technicians!
- Hindsight's a bitch,
isn't it?
- Should I just apologize
to my friends
and ask them to take me back?
Tell them that I was being
a selfish jerk?
What should I do?
- Should I get back
in the chair,
remove my powers
and just go back to
being a simple reporter?
- Should I admit I was wrong,
ask for everyone's
forgiveness,
and go back to
my original team?
Nah, screw that.
I'm just gonna keep being
a fucking dick.
- All right, superheroes!
We've got to find out more
about this
necronomicon thing!
- Right, toolshed!
Zzzt!
- Here we go!
The necronomicon contains
an account of the old ones,
their history, and the means
for summoning them.
- It is used by cults
around the world,
most notably,
the cult of cthulhu.
- Ah-ha!
That's the cult the creepy man
talked about, heroes!
Uh, you okay, mysterion?
- I'm fine.
- Ten arrested in South Park
for cultist activity.
This is from, like,
ten years ago.
- So these people
have been waiting
for cthulhu a long time.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Dude! Mysterion,
it's your parents!
- Uh, what?
What the fuck?
I mean, what the fuck?
- Clyde!
Clyde, I told you this morning
to take the garbage out.
Clyde, do you hear me?
- Okay, mom.
Just gimme two minutes.
Nag, nag, nag. Zzzt!
- Convincing a giant creature
from another dimension
to do what you want
is no easy task.
After days of killing
and conquering,
cthulhu is at rest.
Now is my chance to
make a move.
Perhaps last time
I was too forceful
with the dark God,
too demanding.
To get what it wants,
sometimes a coon must be
on the attack and vicious!
But sometimes, a coon must be
cuddly and cute.
Time for me to try
and manipulate
the most evil thing
in all the universe.
- Heh! Who's
a sleepy little man?
My name is the little coon!
What is your name?
- Kraaaaaa!
- You're a sleepy man, eh?
Cthulhu.
Who's a needs a tummy rub?
- You're hogging it all,
asshole.
- 'Cause I paid for it,
you stupid bitch.
- You paid for it
with the money I made
washin' dishes
at the olive garden!
- I told you to shut up!
- Give it to me, you prick!
Both:
- Aah!
Oh God, he's back!
It's that mystery kid again!
- What the hell
do you want this time?
Hey, look, we did
what you told us.
We treat our kids better
and we don't beat each
other up as much!
- And we gave our sons
allowances
and stopped getting high
every night.
- I'm not here about that.
- Oh? So, now what?
- Ten years ago,
you were arrested
for being in
some kind of cult.
- We were?
- We've been arrested
lots of times, mysterio.
- Mysterion.
What is the cult of cthulhu?
- Oh, that thing.
No, we weren't
in that stupid group.
They just used to offer
free beer at their meetings,
so we would go.
- What happened
at those meetings?
- Trust us, we don't remember.
I know it sounds
hard to believe,
but we were actually
really drunk the entire time.
- I don't find that
hard to believe at all.
- I swear
we haven't been back
to their meetings
ever since.
Even though we always
still get invited.
- These people still meet?
Where?
- Where they always did.
Jim mcelroy's house.
- They used to meet
every Friday night.
I think they still do.
Did that really
just happen?
- I don't think so.
- Breaking news
here in the Gulf, tom.
The dark ancient God cthulhu
has called for
a press conference.
The old one told reporters
in a statement
released this morning
that it has
extremely exciting news.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
today we are
pleased to announce
the successful merger
of cthulhu and the coon.
Cthulhu's track record
for complete dominance
and interdimensionary rule
is without question,
and now,
coupled with the legitimacy
and instantly recognizable
brand name of the coon,
we intend to bring change
and fight injustice,
as the all-new
coon and friends.
And anybody else using
that name for their benefit
is breaking the law.
Oh, what's that?
There is another group
using our trademarked name?
Well, I guess
we have the right
to banish them to
a dark oblivion, don't we?
All: Ph'nglui
mglw'nafh cthulhu
r'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
- The old one has awakened!
A lot of us have waited
a long time for this day!
Well, for all our South Park
cthulhu cult members,
old and new,
it is time to par-tay!
- There must be clubs like this
all over the world.
- We know
some of these people.
There's Mr. adler
from shop class.
And those two geeky
computer guys.
- Oh, my God. Look.
Back row.
Aren't those the goth kids?
- I'm so freaking stoked
that cthulhu is gonna squash
all the happy-go-lucky
conformists.
- Yeah. I just hope
he puts an end
to the fucking
Disney channel.
- Dude, why would the goth kids
worship cthulhu?
- Makes sense.
Unrelenting despair and
a thousand years of darkness
sounds pretty goth.
- Now let us read
from the necronomicon!
"That is not dead
which can eternal lie."
"And with strange aeons..."
- Even death may die!
- In strange aeons
even death may die?
What does that mean,
human kite?
- I'm not sure, toolshed.
Could it be a riddle,
mysterion?
M-mysterion?
- Mysterion is so...
Mysterious.
- A horrific scene
of destruction,
despair, and terror
here in new Orleans.
And still, there is no sign
of captain hindsight.
Rumor has it,
he got sick of it all,
went back to his chair,
and removed all his powers.
- Where are you,
captain hindsight?
Aggh!
- Perhaps he shouldn't have
gotten back in that chair.
- Do you think
the dark lord cthulhu
is gonna make us
go to school?
- No, ass-munch.
Cthulhu just wants chaos,
bedlam, and madness.
- Good. 'Cause if I had to go
to p.E. Class again,
I was gonna kill myself.
Who the effing "h" is that?
- What does it mean?
"That is not dead
which can eternal lie?"
- "And with strange aeons
even death may die."
- What does it mean?
- It means cthulhu is gonna
get rid of all the posers
and make everything cool
and black and stuff.
It's gonna be like
a nine inch nails concert
that goes on forever.
- Yeah, so go home
and put your underwear
back inside
your pants, poser.
- You're going to tell me
everything you know.
- Nobody is stopping
cthulhu now!
All will be sadness!
Life will become death
and I will watch the crimson
blood leak from your neck.
- Dude, that little kid
is hardcore goth.
- Hardcore goth.
- The child is right,
you know.
Cthulhu sees all.
Hears all.
The dark lord wants us to
dispense of this one, kids.
Give us a hand.
- What?
Dude, I don't wanna
kill anybody.
- We're dark lord minions
now, wuss.
What did you think
we'd be doing?
- Ugh. Whatevs.
- Too-too-loo cthulhu
cthulhu cthulhu
- yeah!
- The evil
hate-filled cthulhu
from a dimension far away
flying through
gates of madness
and into your heart
- yeah! Fuck all you!
- Turning dreams
into nightmares
- lick my balls!
- Destroying all he sees
- now begins a new adventure
for meeeeee
- you and the dark one
cthulhu
sharing adventures
and smiles
it's a magical bond
two pals can share
soon the whole world
will be made aware
of you
and the death lord cthulhu
making the world
a better place
together you will have
so much fun
- sending all my stupid
friends to oblivion
- you and the dark one
cthulhu
- suck it, bitches!
- Just hold still
and it will be over quickly!
- Zzzzzzt!
Let him go!
Coon and friends, ho!
Mosquito!
- Toolshed!
- Tupperware!
- Timmy!
- Human kite!
- Mintberry crunch!
- Let him go, dude,
or else we'll totally tell
our parents on you.
- Sorry, kids.
It's a little late for that.
- Unh!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
They... they killed Kenny!
- You bastards!
- Dude, Kenny,
What'd you run away for?
We gotta fight these guys!
- Yeah come on!
Get your costume on, lazy ass!
- Let's go!
- Mintberry crunch!