South Park (1997–…): Season 14, Episode 11 - Coon 2: Hindsight - full transcript
A new superhero named "Captain Hindsight" emerges to help with a new BP oil spill, and The Coon tries to make sure that he joins his union of superheroes.
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna have myself a time #
# friendly faces everywhere #
# humble folks
without temptation #
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna leave my woes behind #
# ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor #
# headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind #
# come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine #
- My fellow heroes,
tonight, I stopped
three murders from happening.
I don't know why, but we're
seeing a huge trend in crime.
We have to find out
the source of this evil.
Something big
is about to happen
and it is up to coon
and friends to stop it.
Yes, toolshed.
- Why do we have to
be called coon and friends?
- What?
- We all fight crime
together.
How come we're just
your friends?
- Yeah.
We want to be called
the extreme avenger league.
- Yeah!
Extreme avenger league.
- I told you, tupperware,
extreme avenger league
doesn't work.
- Why not?
- It's confusing.
The coon is a brand
people already know.
- Why can't it be mosquito
and friends?
- Nobody's fucking
heard of you, mosquito!
- Have so.
- Look, guys,
we need to find out
what is causing
the crime wave in this city.
Mysterion, you and the human
kite get on the computer
and dig up what you can.
Tupperware and mosquito,
scan the news.
Toolshed, you run a perimeter
check with iron maiden.
- Timmy!
- Let's work, people!
- Uh, mintberry crunch, could I
have a quick word with you
in the debriefing chamber?
Okay, um...
I really enjoy having you be
a part of coon and friends
and I certainly appreciate
your on-time paying
of dues and fees.
It's just... I don't...
I'm not getting your deal.
I mean, exactly what is
mintberry crunch
supposed to mean?
I get that you're
half-man and half-Berry
and that you're crunchy
with some mint,
but to be a part
of coon and friends,
you have to have
a clear and more superhero
kind of identity.
Mintberry crunch,
I'm just wondering
if maybe you need
to add something else
to the mintberry crunch part
of your costume.
- Like milk?
- No, not like milk.
You see, I really think
we're on different pages here,
mintberry crunch.
It's like you don't even...
- Coon and friends alert!
Coon and friends alert!
- Uh-oh!
What's the alert, mosquito?
- There's like a big fire
or something in town.
- What? A fire?
Coon volume up.
- There are thought to be
at least 20 people
trapped inside
the apartment building
and firefighters are having
no luck.
- My God! This is what
we've been waiting for.
Coon and friends,
let's head out!
- Let's do it, yeah!
- Let's go!
- Yeah, uh,
mintberry crunch,
why don't you stay here
and mind the base, okay?
Cool.
We've got to get downtown fast,
coon and friends.
Mom, you gotta
drive us downtown.
- Oh, it's
a little late, sweetie.
Why don't you boys just
keep playing downstairs?
- Mom, you're the coon's
faithful Butler.
I want to go downtown now.
- Well, all right.
I guess I can get
some groceries anyway.
- Into the coonmobile,
everyone.
Let's just hope
we get there in time.
- All right, you little
munchkins buckled up for safety?
- Mom, don't talk to us
like that.
We're fucking superheroes!
- Eric, what have we talked
about with that language?
One more time and
I'm not taking you anywhere.
- Oh. I'm sorry, mom.
Can we go, please?
Unbelievable!
- We tried getting in
through the back.
It was no good.
- Those people are gonna die
if we don't do something.
- Oh, my goodness!
It's a fire.
- Come on, coon friends.
- No, Eric,
stay in the car, sweetie.
- Can we try a helicopter?
- The winds are too high.
Chopper would burn
in minutes.
- All right,
what seems to be the problem?
- Get back, kids,
it isn't safe.
- Eric poopsie!
- Whatever is happening,
you need help from the coon.
- And friends!
- Keep those children back,
Thompson.
- Please, sir,
you must let us...
- Sweetie, let
the nice firemen do their job.
- Shut up, mom, God!
- Wait!
Look, up in the sky.
- It's him!
My God, it's really him!
- He's come to help us.
Captain hindsight!
- Who's captain hindsight?
- Captain hindsight,
the hero of the modern age.
Once known as Jack brolin,
a reporter
for the national news,
the hero was born
when a freak accident
gave him the amazing power
of extraordinary hindsight.
From toxic spills
to unjust wars,
there is no task too large
for... captain hindsight!
- Captain hindsight,
thank God you've come.
- What's the skinny?
- There's people trapped
in that burning building,
captain hindsight,
and the fire is so massive,
we can't get to them.
- Hmm. You see those windows
on the right side?
They should have built fire
escapes on those windows
for the higher floors,
then people could have
gotten down.
And then on the roof,
they should've built it with
a more reinforced structure
so a helicopter
could have landed on it.
- Yes, of course!
- And then you see
that building to the left?
- Yes.
- They shouldn't
have built that there,
because now you can't
park any fire trucks
where you really need to.
Well, looks like
my job here is done.
Good-bye, everyone!
- Thank you,
captain hindsight!
- Thank you!
- All right, everyone.
I guess that's it.
Let's pack it up.
- Oh, boy, did you hear about
that fire downtown, Sharon?
- Oh, my gosh, yes.
They said like 14 people died.
- It's just ridiculous to me
that they didn't build fire
escapes on those upper floors.
Ridiculous!
- Oh, I know.
And if you ask me,
they should have built a roof
with enough support to land
a helicopter.
- I mean, hello!
- Hey, you guys
are just repeating
what that hindsight guy said.
- Well, yes, Stan.
Captain hindsight is
our protector and guardian.
We're just thankful
he was there for that fire.
Now we can all eat in peace.
- Coon and friends alert!
Coon and friends alert!
- What the hell is that?
Who put that there?
- Alert. Seriously.
All coon friends to base.
Alert, you guys.
I'm seriously.
- Mom, dad,
I finished dinner.
Can I go up to my room?
- Well, sure, Stan.
How did that thing
get there, Randy?
- I don't know.
- Well, take it down.
It's noisy.
- I can't.
I don't know what happened to
all my tools.
- All right, toolshed is here.
We can start.
- Dude, who said
you could put a big siren
in my parents' house?
- Yeah. I almost
got in trouble for it.
- The coon must be able
to signal his friends
when a huge catastrophe
breaks out.
- So what's
the huge catastrophe?
- What's the huge...
Did you guys not see
that captain hindsight guy?
- Yeah, so?
- So there's
a big superhero out there
doing stuff on his own
and he's not part
of coon and friends.
- Oh, Jesus.
- I've looked into it,
and this captain hindsight
is everywhere.
He's like some freelance
butthole scab.
We need to make him join us!
- Hey, fellas?
Fellas, could you
let me out, please?
It's been like six days.
- You aren't going
anywhere, chaos.
- Yeah, but... but you only
gave me this bucket
to poop in and it's full now.
And I ain't got
nothing to eat.
- You got poop, don't you?
Now the question is,
how are we gonna get
captain hindsight
to join coon and friends?
- Who cares if a hero
doesn't want to be part
of coon and friends?
- I care!
- Look, all we need to do is
wait for the next disaster,
then try to beat hindsight
to the scene.
- There's not gonna be
any worse disaster.
What could possibly
be worse than a fire
that kills 14 people?
- All right, this looks like
a jolly good place.
- Yes. Let's let 'er rip!
- That's it, lads.
Collect that oil.
Uh-oh!
- Oh, dear!
- Oh, don't tell me
we did it again!
Both: Aah!
- Coon and friends alert!
- What? Jeez!
- All coon friends
report to base.
I'm so seriously.
Emergency.
Coon and friends alert!
- Good, you're all here.
Take a look at this.
Coon volume up!
- It's a scene of utter despair
and catastrophe.
Oil from the ocean is
spilling out, out of control,
and the rescue effort
seems futile.
- It's horrible.
We can't stop the oil
from contaminating everything.
- Our home is covered in sludge.
Where we supposed to go?
- Just
look at all my shrimp here.
My shrimp is the best shrimp
this side of Louisiana
and that darn oil got
all up in my shrimp.
And it ain't worth the slime
a new baby is sold on.
Just look at all the oil
on my shrimp!
- My God! Another oil spill
could mean absolute
devastation for the Gulf.
- We've got to help
those people.
- Yes. This is definitely
a job for coon and friends.
- Let's pack the Gulf
full of flavor.
- Wait a minute, look!
It's captain hindsight!
- Oh, no!
- What seems to be
the problem?
- It's that BP oil rig,
captain hindsight.
It drilled
into a marine sanctuary
and the environment
is being poisoned.
- If we can't stop it,
the spill could reach
new Orleans.
- Hmm. All right.
You see where that rig
is drilling?
- Yes.
- It's in too deep of water.
They shouldn't have drilled
in that deep of water
because now they can't
get machines deep enough
to fix the spill.
- Ah-ha!
- Yes, yes!
- Now if it's
a valve that ruptured,
then what
they should have done
is installed a backup valve
in case that broke.
- I believe they did install
a backup safety valve,
captain hindsight.
- Hmm. Right.
Then they should have had
a backup safety valve
to that backup safety valve!
- My God, he's right!
- My work is done!
I'm off to find others
in need.
- God bless you,
captain hindsight.
God bless you!
- God damn it!
We have got to get that guy
into coon and friends.
- Can I help you?
- I understand this is where
captain hindsight lives?
- Yes.
- I need to speak
with him, please.
- The captain is very busy
dealing with
the Gulf oil crisis.
- I believe I have something
that can help him
deal with
that oil crisis, sir.
- Mr. hindsight, sir,
this young man would like
a word.
- Please, sit down.
What can I do for you?
- Mr. hindsight, I represent
some very high profile people.
I've been asked to give you
some really exciting news.
You have been preapproved
to become the newest member
of coon and friends.
- Of what?
- I know the coon personally,
and I can tell you
being a coon friends
is the very highest honor.
As you can see in those papers,
your first three months of dues
have actually been waived.
This must be
amazingly exciting for you.
- Captain hindsight!
Captain hindsight,
please come in!
- Go ahead.
- The oil keeps coming out.
We've got other rigs
now catching fire.
- Listen, they should've
hosed down the other rigs
as soon as the spill began.
Then that wouldn't
have happened.
- Right. Thank you!
- Captain hindsight!
The dolphins that those
volunteers cleaned of oil,
they're all dying.
- Get down to the volunteers
and tell them
they should've used
a non-bleaching cleanser.
Commissioner!
- Yes.
- Tell Brett favre
he should've never sent
actual pictures
of his schlong.
Oh! It's not a blessing,
it's a curse.
- So anyways, if you want to
just start filling out the form,
we'll get you enrolled in coon
and friends right away.
- Look, I'm sorry, kid,
but I work alone.
- Well, see the problem
with that
is there's a superhero union
called coon and friends.
And if you refuse to be a part
of that union, you are a scab.
- Get this kid out of here.
I have to think.
- Fine! You'll be hearing
from my LA...
The coon's lawyer, sir!
- The BP oil spill in the Gulf
continues to get worse
every day.
As public anger towards
the BP company grows,
their president released
this statement.
- Hello. I'm Tony hayward,
president and ceo of BP.
Our accidental drilling spill
again in the Gulf
is a tragedy that should've
never happened.
And to all those affected,
I want to say
we are deeply sorry.
We're sorry.
Sorry.
BP is taking
full responsibility
for cleaning up the spill
in the Gulf.
And in doing so,
we have changed our name
to beyond petroleum
to dependable petroleum.
Dp. We no longer
fuck the earth.
We dp it.
- Gentlemen, my attempts
to recruit captain hindsight
into coon and friends
have been unsuccessful,
but I believe I've come up
with a solution.
Coon vision on.
All we need to do is get
pictures of captain hindsight
naked with Courtney love.
Then we'll tell him
if he doesn't join us,
we'll put them
on the Internet.
- How do we get pictures of him
naked with Courtney love?
- Simple, toolshed.
Coon slide two.
We dress Professor chaos up
as Courtney love,
take pictures of him naked
with a homeless guy,
then Photoshop
hindsight's face onto it.
- Me?
Oh, come on, fellas,
don't make me be Courtney love.
- We gotta get
to work fast, people.
Coon and friends ho!
- You want us to take
naked pictures of butters
to use as blackmail?
That doesn't sound
very superhero-like.
- That's because you think
small, mosquito.
You have a tiny little
mosquito brain.
That's why you don't
come up with the plans.
- No, no, look.
What's going on
down in the Gulf
is much more important
than blackmailing another hero.
- Agreed.
- Oh, who cares about some
oil spill environment crap?
- Mosquito has a good plan,
Cartman. Hear him out.
- You don't know
that I'm Cartman
because my true identity
is secret!
- We all have a say
in this organization, coon.
Let mosquito talk.
- All right, mosquito,
how do you want to help people
suffering in the Gulf crisis?
- I think we should help raise
money for the relief aid
by having a bake sale.
- A bake sale?
- I have a recipe
for lemon bars from my mom.
We could wear our costumes
outside the grocery store
and sell lemon bars,
which would be a good deed
and help people.
- We're superheroes,
not the fucking girl scouts.
- Those people down there
need help.
Sometimes being a hero means
helping in smaller ways.
- Timmy!
- You think selling lemon bars
is helpful to mankind?
- More helpful than taking
naked pictures of butters.
- Shut up, mintberry crunch!
You aren't even anything!
- And that's
another thing.
No more picking
on mintberry crunch.
- Oh, what are you,
the boss now?
- No, but we're all equals.
From now on, we vote.
Who wants to go with my plan?
- Sounds awesome.
Let's do it.
- To the grocery store!
- As we walked along the road
to the grocery store,
my coon sense
started tingling.
Something was wrong.
Very wrong.
I've learned to trust
my coon sense.
It has always been my guide.
And so I knew I must act.
A coon must know
when to defend itself.
- Well, now we're
back to normal.
Just like before and all
forgotten, right, right?
- Right, right.
- Right.
- Cool! So what's next
for coon and friends?
- Another crisis
in the Gulf of Mexico
as the oil company dp has once
again made a huge error.
This time the oil company
has accidentally ripped a hole
into another dimension.
- The oil company stated
that it knew
a portal to another
dimension was there,
but didn't think drilling into
it would prove problematic.
Now hundreds of creatures
from another dimension
are spilling out into
our reality and wreaking havoc.
- Hello. I'm Tony hayward,
ceo of dp.
Tearing a hole
into another dimension
is a tragedy that should have
never happened.
And as ceo, I would
like to say we're sorry.
We're sorry.
Sorry.
- Captain hindsight. Sir!
Calls for help
are pouring in.
You've got to get
out to the Gulf.
- I can't help anyone
right now.
Something came up.
- What, sir?
You know you can tell me.
- Do you remember last week
when I got really,
really drunk?
- Yes, sir.
- Look at those photos
on the desk.
- My God is that you
and... Courtney love?
- Of course
it's Courtney love!
- But when did you ever...
- I don't remember!
That's just the point.
I get drunk.
I don't remember things.
I shouldn't
have drank that much.
And I shouldn't have
mixed alcohols.
Alcohol shouldn't be legal.
Oh, it's maddening!
- That doesn't
matter now, sir.
People are getting hurt
in the Gulf
and they need to know
what they could have done.
- I should have never kept
that bottle of macallan
in the pantry.
I should've never gotten
around Courtney love
and a camera.
- I should...
- Sir, sir!
- Creatures from
another dimension
continue to wreak havoc
in the Gulf,
and the question
where is captain hindsight?
- Where are you,
captain hindsight?
- With captain hindsight
missing,
what superheroes
can save the Gulf now?
- My fellow superheroes,
I've done it.
Hindsight is taken care of.
And now the country
can finally be made aware
of coon and friends.
- There's more important things
to discuss right now.
- Right, toolshed.
Now, how do we deal
with these creatures
from another dimension?
- He means we need to
discuss things with you.
- Okay, what?
- I don't want to tell him.
Tupperware, you tell him.
- I don't want to
tell him either.
- I'll tell him. Coon,
I'm sorry,
but we're kicking you
out of coon and friends.
- You're kicking me
out of coon and friends?
- We all voted
and it was unanimous.
- You can't kick me
out of coon and friends.
I'm the fucking coon!
- Look, we just believe
that you have your goals
and ways of doing things
and they conflict
with what
we want to accomplish.
- But we get the headquarters
and all the equipment.
- You don't keep anything!
This is my basement!
And I'll tell my mom
on you guys!
- We already discussed this
with her. Mrs. Cartman?
- Yes, mysterion?
- Please escort the coon out
of our secret base.
- Eric, I talked to you
about beating up
your friends, didn't I?
- Mom, what the fuck?
The fuck are you doing?
- Eric, you do not beat up
your friends,
and I told you I've had it
with your language.
Your punishment
is that your friends
will just play superheroes
without you.
Go to your room!
- You've gotta be
fucking kidding me!
- Oh, dear!
We have certainly pooped
our trousers this time.
- Yes, I'm afraid it's going
to take more than another
"I'm sorry" campaign to
please everyone this time.
- Oh, what a right pickle
we're in.
- There is no way
to cut the dimensional portal,
I'm afraid.
The ocean currents and swells
are simply too much
to get any machines in.
- Wait a tick!
Currents and swells,
that's it!
I think I know
how to fix this.
- How, by jove?
- We drill.
- Drill, of course!
- Good idea.
- Yes, of course!
- I believe that
if we drilled on the moon,
changing its gravitational pull
on the ocean swells,
we could cap
the dimensional spill.
- I don't quite get it.
- We got into this mess
by drilling here and here.
Now we need to drill here.
- That looks
extremely promising.
- Our environment
should stabilize
if it's getting drilled here,
here, and here
at the same time.
- The seismic forces
will be massive.
Do you think the moon
can take it?
- Oh, she'll take it.
- The dp oil company today
drilled into the moon
and appears to have caused
even greater problems.
- Uh-oh. I have a feeling
we better get into
our costumes again, guys.
- Tom, the dp oil company
has had another
drilling accident.
This time they appeared
to have unleashed
the dark and mighty cthulhu.
The rise of cthulhu
from another dimension
brings about 3,000 years
of darkness, tom,
where we will all
be driven to madness
and made to serve
as cthulhu's cult of slaves.
The president of dp oil released
this press statement.
- As president of dp oil,
I want to say... we're sorry.
I'm deeply sorry.
Sorry.
- Cthulhu r'lyeh
wgah'nagl fhtagn.
Praise the dark cthulhu.
Long may he reign.
- It's up to us, guys.
Let's get to the Gulf!
- Darkness has taken over
our town.
The coon friends
have given in to evil.
It's up to the coon
to stop them.
Assholes!
down to South Park #
# gonna have myself a time #
# friendly faces everywhere #
# humble folks
without temptation #
# I'm goin'
down to South Park #
# gonna leave my woes behind #
# ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor #
# headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind #
# come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine #
- My fellow heroes,
tonight, I stopped
three murders from happening.
I don't know why, but we're
seeing a huge trend in crime.
We have to find out
the source of this evil.
Something big
is about to happen
and it is up to coon
and friends to stop it.
Yes, toolshed.
- Why do we have to
be called coon and friends?
- What?
- We all fight crime
together.
How come we're just
your friends?
- Yeah.
We want to be called
the extreme avenger league.
- Yeah!
Extreme avenger league.
- I told you, tupperware,
extreme avenger league
doesn't work.
- Why not?
- It's confusing.
The coon is a brand
people already know.
- Why can't it be mosquito
and friends?
- Nobody's fucking
heard of you, mosquito!
- Have so.
- Look, guys,
we need to find out
what is causing
the crime wave in this city.
Mysterion, you and the human
kite get on the computer
and dig up what you can.
Tupperware and mosquito,
scan the news.
Toolshed, you run a perimeter
check with iron maiden.
- Timmy!
- Let's work, people!
- Uh, mintberry crunch, could I
have a quick word with you
in the debriefing chamber?
Okay, um...
I really enjoy having you be
a part of coon and friends
and I certainly appreciate
your on-time paying
of dues and fees.
It's just... I don't...
I'm not getting your deal.
I mean, exactly what is
mintberry crunch
supposed to mean?
I get that you're
half-man and half-Berry
and that you're crunchy
with some mint,
but to be a part
of coon and friends,
you have to have
a clear and more superhero
kind of identity.
Mintberry crunch,
I'm just wondering
if maybe you need
to add something else
to the mintberry crunch part
of your costume.
- Like milk?
- No, not like milk.
You see, I really think
we're on different pages here,
mintberry crunch.
It's like you don't even...
- Coon and friends alert!
Coon and friends alert!
- Uh-oh!
What's the alert, mosquito?
- There's like a big fire
or something in town.
- What? A fire?
Coon volume up.
- There are thought to be
at least 20 people
trapped inside
the apartment building
and firefighters are having
no luck.
- My God! This is what
we've been waiting for.
Coon and friends,
let's head out!
- Let's do it, yeah!
- Let's go!
- Yeah, uh,
mintberry crunch,
why don't you stay here
and mind the base, okay?
Cool.
We've got to get downtown fast,
coon and friends.
Mom, you gotta
drive us downtown.
- Oh, it's
a little late, sweetie.
Why don't you boys just
keep playing downstairs?
- Mom, you're the coon's
faithful Butler.
I want to go downtown now.
- Well, all right.
I guess I can get
some groceries anyway.
- Into the coonmobile,
everyone.
Let's just hope
we get there in time.
- All right, you little
munchkins buckled up for safety?
- Mom, don't talk to us
like that.
We're fucking superheroes!
- Eric, what have we talked
about with that language?
One more time and
I'm not taking you anywhere.
- Oh. I'm sorry, mom.
Can we go, please?
Unbelievable!
- We tried getting in
through the back.
It was no good.
- Those people are gonna die
if we don't do something.
- Oh, my goodness!
It's a fire.
- Come on, coon friends.
- No, Eric,
stay in the car, sweetie.
- Can we try a helicopter?
- The winds are too high.
Chopper would burn
in minutes.
- All right,
what seems to be the problem?
- Get back, kids,
it isn't safe.
- Eric poopsie!
- Whatever is happening,
you need help from the coon.
- And friends!
- Keep those children back,
Thompson.
- Please, sir,
you must let us...
- Sweetie, let
the nice firemen do their job.
- Shut up, mom, God!
- Wait!
Look, up in the sky.
- It's him!
My God, it's really him!
- He's come to help us.
Captain hindsight!
- Who's captain hindsight?
- Captain hindsight,
the hero of the modern age.
Once known as Jack brolin,
a reporter
for the national news,
the hero was born
when a freak accident
gave him the amazing power
of extraordinary hindsight.
From toxic spills
to unjust wars,
there is no task too large
for... captain hindsight!
- Captain hindsight,
thank God you've come.
- What's the skinny?
- There's people trapped
in that burning building,
captain hindsight,
and the fire is so massive,
we can't get to them.
- Hmm. You see those windows
on the right side?
They should have built fire
escapes on those windows
for the higher floors,
then people could have
gotten down.
And then on the roof,
they should've built it with
a more reinforced structure
so a helicopter
could have landed on it.
- Yes, of course!
- And then you see
that building to the left?
- Yes.
- They shouldn't
have built that there,
because now you can't
park any fire trucks
where you really need to.
Well, looks like
my job here is done.
Good-bye, everyone!
- Thank you,
captain hindsight!
- Thank you!
- All right, everyone.
I guess that's it.
Let's pack it up.
- Oh, boy, did you hear about
that fire downtown, Sharon?
- Oh, my gosh, yes.
They said like 14 people died.
- It's just ridiculous to me
that they didn't build fire
escapes on those upper floors.
Ridiculous!
- Oh, I know.
And if you ask me,
they should have built a roof
with enough support to land
a helicopter.
- I mean, hello!
- Hey, you guys
are just repeating
what that hindsight guy said.
- Well, yes, Stan.
Captain hindsight is
our protector and guardian.
We're just thankful
he was there for that fire.
Now we can all eat in peace.
- Coon and friends alert!
Coon and friends alert!
- What the hell is that?
Who put that there?
- Alert. Seriously.
All coon friends to base.
Alert, you guys.
I'm seriously.
- Mom, dad,
I finished dinner.
Can I go up to my room?
- Well, sure, Stan.
How did that thing
get there, Randy?
- I don't know.
- Well, take it down.
It's noisy.
- I can't.
I don't know what happened to
all my tools.
- All right, toolshed is here.
We can start.
- Dude, who said
you could put a big siren
in my parents' house?
- Yeah. I almost
got in trouble for it.
- The coon must be able
to signal his friends
when a huge catastrophe
breaks out.
- So what's
the huge catastrophe?
- What's the huge...
Did you guys not see
that captain hindsight guy?
- Yeah, so?
- So there's
a big superhero out there
doing stuff on his own
and he's not part
of coon and friends.
- Oh, Jesus.
- I've looked into it,
and this captain hindsight
is everywhere.
He's like some freelance
butthole scab.
We need to make him join us!
- Hey, fellas?
Fellas, could you
let me out, please?
It's been like six days.
- You aren't going
anywhere, chaos.
- Yeah, but... but you only
gave me this bucket
to poop in and it's full now.
And I ain't got
nothing to eat.
- You got poop, don't you?
Now the question is,
how are we gonna get
captain hindsight
to join coon and friends?
- Who cares if a hero
doesn't want to be part
of coon and friends?
- I care!
- Look, all we need to do is
wait for the next disaster,
then try to beat hindsight
to the scene.
- There's not gonna be
any worse disaster.
What could possibly
be worse than a fire
that kills 14 people?
- All right, this looks like
a jolly good place.
- Yes. Let's let 'er rip!
- That's it, lads.
Collect that oil.
Uh-oh!
- Oh, dear!
- Oh, don't tell me
we did it again!
Both: Aah!
- Coon and friends alert!
- What? Jeez!
- All coon friends
report to base.
I'm so seriously.
Emergency.
Coon and friends alert!
- Good, you're all here.
Take a look at this.
Coon volume up!
- It's a scene of utter despair
and catastrophe.
Oil from the ocean is
spilling out, out of control,
and the rescue effort
seems futile.
- It's horrible.
We can't stop the oil
from contaminating everything.
- Our home is covered in sludge.
Where we supposed to go?
- Just
look at all my shrimp here.
My shrimp is the best shrimp
this side of Louisiana
and that darn oil got
all up in my shrimp.
And it ain't worth the slime
a new baby is sold on.
Just look at all the oil
on my shrimp!
- My God! Another oil spill
could mean absolute
devastation for the Gulf.
- We've got to help
those people.
- Yes. This is definitely
a job for coon and friends.
- Let's pack the Gulf
full of flavor.
- Wait a minute, look!
It's captain hindsight!
- Oh, no!
- What seems to be
the problem?
- It's that BP oil rig,
captain hindsight.
It drilled
into a marine sanctuary
and the environment
is being poisoned.
- If we can't stop it,
the spill could reach
new Orleans.
- Hmm. All right.
You see where that rig
is drilling?
- Yes.
- It's in too deep of water.
They shouldn't have drilled
in that deep of water
because now they can't
get machines deep enough
to fix the spill.
- Ah-ha!
- Yes, yes!
- Now if it's
a valve that ruptured,
then what
they should have done
is installed a backup valve
in case that broke.
- I believe they did install
a backup safety valve,
captain hindsight.
- Hmm. Right.
Then they should have had
a backup safety valve
to that backup safety valve!
- My God, he's right!
- My work is done!
I'm off to find others
in need.
- God bless you,
captain hindsight.
God bless you!
- God damn it!
We have got to get that guy
into coon and friends.
- Can I help you?
- I understand this is where
captain hindsight lives?
- Yes.
- I need to speak
with him, please.
- The captain is very busy
dealing with
the Gulf oil crisis.
- I believe I have something
that can help him
deal with
that oil crisis, sir.
- Mr. hindsight, sir,
this young man would like
a word.
- Please, sit down.
What can I do for you?
- Mr. hindsight, I represent
some very high profile people.
I've been asked to give you
some really exciting news.
You have been preapproved
to become the newest member
of coon and friends.
- Of what?
- I know the coon personally,
and I can tell you
being a coon friends
is the very highest honor.
As you can see in those papers,
your first three months of dues
have actually been waived.
This must be
amazingly exciting for you.
- Captain hindsight!
Captain hindsight,
please come in!
- Go ahead.
- The oil keeps coming out.
We've got other rigs
now catching fire.
- Listen, they should've
hosed down the other rigs
as soon as the spill began.
Then that wouldn't
have happened.
- Right. Thank you!
- Captain hindsight!
The dolphins that those
volunteers cleaned of oil,
they're all dying.
- Get down to the volunteers
and tell them
they should've used
a non-bleaching cleanser.
Commissioner!
- Yes.
- Tell Brett favre
he should've never sent
actual pictures
of his schlong.
Oh! It's not a blessing,
it's a curse.
- So anyways, if you want to
just start filling out the form,
we'll get you enrolled in coon
and friends right away.
- Look, I'm sorry, kid,
but I work alone.
- Well, see the problem
with that
is there's a superhero union
called coon and friends.
And if you refuse to be a part
of that union, you are a scab.
- Get this kid out of here.
I have to think.
- Fine! You'll be hearing
from my LA...
The coon's lawyer, sir!
- The BP oil spill in the Gulf
continues to get worse
every day.
As public anger towards
the BP company grows,
their president released
this statement.
- Hello. I'm Tony hayward,
president and ceo of BP.
Our accidental drilling spill
again in the Gulf
is a tragedy that should've
never happened.
And to all those affected,
I want to say
we are deeply sorry.
We're sorry.
Sorry.
BP is taking
full responsibility
for cleaning up the spill
in the Gulf.
And in doing so,
we have changed our name
to beyond petroleum
to dependable petroleum.
Dp. We no longer
fuck the earth.
We dp it.
- Gentlemen, my attempts
to recruit captain hindsight
into coon and friends
have been unsuccessful,
but I believe I've come up
with a solution.
Coon vision on.
All we need to do is get
pictures of captain hindsight
naked with Courtney love.
Then we'll tell him
if he doesn't join us,
we'll put them
on the Internet.
- How do we get pictures of him
naked with Courtney love?
- Simple, toolshed.
Coon slide two.
We dress Professor chaos up
as Courtney love,
take pictures of him naked
with a homeless guy,
then Photoshop
hindsight's face onto it.
- Me?
Oh, come on, fellas,
don't make me be Courtney love.
- We gotta get
to work fast, people.
Coon and friends ho!
- You want us to take
naked pictures of butters
to use as blackmail?
That doesn't sound
very superhero-like.
- That's because you think
small, mosquito.
You have a tiny little
mosquito brain.
That's why you don't
come up with the plans.
- No, no, look.
What's going on
down in the Gulf
is much more important
than blackmailing another hero.
- Agreed.
- Oh, who cares about some
oil spill environment crap?
- Mosquito has a good plan,
Cartman. Hear him out.
- You don't know
that I'm Cartman
because my true identity
is secret!
- We all have a say
in this organization, coon.
Let mosquito talk.
- All right, mosquito,
how do you want to help people
suffering in the Gulf crisis?
- I think we should help raise
money for the relief aid
by having a bake sale.
- A bake sale?
- I have a recipe
for lemon bars from my mom.
We could wear our costumes
outside the grocery store
and sell lemon bars,
which would be a good deed
and help people.
- We're superheroes,
not the fucking girl scouts.
- Those people down there
need help.
Sometimes being a hero means
helping in smaller ways.
- Timmy!
- You think selling lemon bars
is helpful to mankind?
- More helpful than taking
naked pictures of butters.
- Shut up, mintberry crunch!
You aren't even anything!
- And that's
another thing.
No more picking
on mintberry crunch.
- Oh, what are you,
the boss now?
- No, but we're all equals.
From now on, we vote.
Who wants to go with my plan?
- Sounds awesome.
Let's do it.
- To the grocery store!
- As we walked along the road
to the grocery store,
my coon sense
started tingling.
Something was wrong.
Very wrong.
I've learned to trust
my coon sense.
It has always been my guide.
And so I knew I must act.
A coon must know
when to defend itself.
- Well, now we're
back to normal.
Just like before and all
forgotten, right, right?
- Right, right.
- Right.
- Cool! So what's next
for coon and friends?
- Another crisis
in the Gulf of Mexico
as the oil company dp has once
again made a huge error.
This time the oil company
has accidentally ripped a hole
into another dimension.
- The oil company stated
that it knew
a portal to another
dimension was there,
but didn't think drilling into
it would prove problematic.
Now hundreds of creatures
from another dimension
are spilling out into
our reality and wreaking havoc.
- Hello. I'm Tony hayward,
ceo of dp.
Tearing a hole
into another dimension
is a tragedy that should have
never happened.
And as ceo, I would
like to say we're sorry.
We're sorry.
Sorry.
- Captain hindsight. Sir!
Calls for help
are pouring in.
You've got to get
out to the Gulf.
- I can't help anyone
right now.
Something came up.
- What, sir?
You know you can tell me.
- Do you remember last week
when I got really,
really drunk?
- Yes, sir.
- Look at those photos
on the desk.
- My God is that you
and... Courtney love?
- Of course
it's Courtney love!
- But when did you ever...
- I don't remember!
That's just the point.
I get drunk.
I don't remember things.
I shouldn't
have drank that much.
And I shouldn't have
mixed alcohols.
Alcohol shouldn't be legal.
Oh, it's maddening!
- That doesn't
matter now, sir.
People are getting hurt
in the Gulf
and they need to know
what they could have done.
- I should have never kept
that bottle of macallan
in the pantry.
I should've never gotten
around Courtney love
and a camera.
- I should...
- Sir, sir!
- Creatures from
another dimension
continue to wreak havoc
in the Gulf,
and the question
where is captain hindsight?
- Where are you,
captain hindsight?
- With captain hindsight
missing,
what superheroes
can save the Gulf now?
- My fellow superheroes,
I've done it.
Hindsight is taken care of.
And now the country
can finally be made aware
of coon and friends.
- There's more important things
to discuss right now.
- Right, toolshed.
Now, how do we deal
with these creatures
from another dimension?
- He means we need to
discuss things with you.
- Okay, what?
- I don't want to tell him.
Tupperware, you tell him.
- I don't want to
tell him either.
- I'll tell him. Coon,
I'm sorry,
but we're kicking you
out of coon and friends.
- You're kicking me
out of coon and friends?
- We all voted
and it was unanimous.
- You can't kick me
out of coon and friends.
I'm the fucking coon!
- Look, we just believe
that you have your goals
and ways of doing things
and they conflict
with what
we want to accomplish.
- But we get the headquarters
and all the equipment.
- You don't keep anything!
This is my basement!
And I'll tell my mom
on you guys!
- We already discussed this
with her. Mrs. Cartman?
- Yes, mysterion?
- Please escort the coon out
of our secret base.
- Eric, I talked to you
about beating up
your friends, didn't I?
- Mom, what the fuck?
The fuck are you doing?
- Eric, you do not beat up
your friends,
and I told you I've had it
with your language.
Your punishment
is that your friends
will just play superheroes
without you.
Go to your room!
- You've gotta be
fucking kidding me!
- Oh, dear!
We have certainly pooped
our trousers this time.
- Yes, I'm afraid it's going
to take more than another
"I'm sorry" campaign to
please everyone this time.
- Oh, what a right pickle
we're in.
- There is no way
to cut the dimensional portal,
I'm afraid.
The ocean currents and swells
are simply too much
to get any machines in.
- Wait a tick!
Currents and swells,
that's it!
I think I know
how to fix this.
- How, by jove?
- We drill.
- Drill, of course!
- Good idea.
- Yes, of course!
- I believe that
if we drilled on the moon,
changing its gravitational pull
on the ocean swells,
we could cap
the dimensional spill.
- I don't quite get it.
- We got into this mess
by drilling here and here.
Now we need to drill here.
- That looks
extremely promising.
- Our environment
should stabilize
if it's getting drilled here,
here, and here
at the same time.
- The seismic forces
will be massive.
Do you think the moon
can take it?
- Oh, she'll take it.
- The dp oil company today
drilled into the moon
and appears to have caused
even greater problems.
- Uh-oh. I have a feeling
we better get into
our costumes again, guys.
- Tom, the dp oil company
has had another
drilling accident.
This time they appeared
to have unleashed
the dark and mighty cthulhu.
The rise of cthulhu
from another dimension
brings about 3,000 years
of darkness, tom,
where we will all
be driven to madness
and made to serve
as cthulhu's cult of slaves.
The president of dp oil released
this press statement.
- As president of dp oil,
I want to say... we're sorry.
I'm deeply sorry.
Sorry.
- Cthulhu r'lyeh
wgah'nagl fhtagn.
Praise the dark cthulhu.
Long may he reign.
- It's up to us, guys.
Let's get to the Gulf!
- Darkness has taken over
our town.
The coon friends
have given in to evil.
It's up to the coon
to stop them.
Assholes!