South Park (1997–…): Season 14, Episode 1 - Sexual Healing - full transcript
After Tiger Woods comes clean, America becomes obsessed with the "epidemic" of rich men having sex with lots of women. As a result, Kyle and Butters are labeled as sex addicts and are placed in treatment.
Encoded by NIT158
{pub}{pos(192,210)}Put it down, you bitch!
Put the golf club down,
you crazy bitch!
You motherfucker!
I never should have married you!
You're overreacting,
you stupid Swedish cow!
Then why the fuck
are you getting text messages
from some low-life hooker
on Thanksgiving?
God, shut up!
Shut up!
Where are my fucking pills?
Take more Vicodin, Tiger!
That'll help!
- Will you just listen to me?
- Listen to this!
You fucking whore!
Where the fuck
do you think you're going?
I'm getting the fuck away from you!
Open the door, you motherfucker!
Chase after me in the car, Kenny!
- What are you {*guys }doing?
- {*Dude, }Check it out.
It's EA Sports
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 for Xbox.
- Fuck you, cunt!
- Stop breaking through the window{*, Kenny}!
I'm gonna crash!
Look what you did, you crazy bitch!
Serves you right, you cheating turd!
- {*Dude, }Was that a combo move?
- Yeah, {*dude, }I fucked you up!
{*Dude, }Here come the cops!
We gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie!
I didn't know golf games
were this cool!
Yeah, {*dude, }EA Sports
outdid themselves this time.
{$CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL
AND PREVENTION}
I've gathered you together here
because you are the best minds
our country has to offer.
As you have all seen on the news,
our country is facing a major crisis.
And we need to find out
what's causing it. Why!
Why are rich successful men
suddenly going out
and trying to have sex
with lots of women.
Tiger Woods
was only the most prevalent,
but our data shows
that the numbers are growing.
David Letterman
and before that, Bill Clinton.
There is a pattern here{*, people}.
Why would a man who's famous
and makes tons of money
use that to try and have sex
with lots of different women?
And these rich celebrities
have perfectly good wives at home!
Why would they even think
of sex with others?
Dammit.
I want answers.
We believe that it may be
an outbreak of sex addiction, sir.
Sex a woo-hoo?
It's a new phenomena
we don't completely understand yet.
But it seems to make people...
different.
Of course, we {*all }know the normal {*healthy }male
thinks only of sex occasionally
and has no desire
for sex with multiple partners.
Of course.
- Definitely true.
- {*Yes, }We all know that, go on.
But in the sex addict,
their {*entire }lives are consumed with thoughts
of wanting more and more.
The mere sight of an attractive woman
can make him think about sex with her.
But what about love?
How could tons of fame and money
make you forget about love?
What could be causing
this outbreak of sexual addiction?
It could be caused
by something in the water supply.
- Perhaps even by global warming.
- Or cooling.
If so, then the disease
could start to affect our children.
That does it.
I want health screenings
at all our nation's schools.
We need to find out if {*any }young people
might be carrying this disease.
Good afternoon, students.
We are going to be doing
a health screening today.
It won't take long,
and will be relatively painless,
but we need to see
if any students are showing symptoms.
In a moment, I am going
to show you a suggestive picture,
and {*then }I am going to ask you a question
about the picture.
All right. Ready?
Here we go.
What?
Jesus, dude.
Holy Moly.
What's that, between the lady's legs?
It's all bushy!
Please just study the picture
the best you can, students.
I'll then ask a question
which you'll answer on the paper{* provided}.
I've never seen that part of a lady!
Do they all got a hedge like that?
Do they?
Okay, very good.
Now, what color...
was the handkerchief
in the nice lady's hand?
Write down your answer, please.
What color was the handkerchief
in the nice lady's hand.
Did you see the bush on that lady?
What the heck was that?
Very good.
Turn your answers over, please.
Gee wiz, it was like
almost up to her belly button.
All right, now.
Who answered
that the handkerchief was yellow?
Very good.
Very good indeed.
Now I'd like to see, who answered:
"What handkerchief?"
You three boys, please come with me.
I didn't see a handkerchief.
Did you see {*a handkerchief}it, Kenny?
Fuck no, I wasn't looking
at any handkerchief!
I'm sorry{* boys}, but I'm afraid you three
have tested positive for sex addiction.
- What?
- Oh no!
Who fucking cares.
{*We are going to}We'll have to send you home,
I'm afraid.
Wait, we're sex addicts?
Are you sure?
Our nice lady with a handkerchief test
is {*extremely}very comprehensive and thorough.
{*I'm }Sorry, but you're simply too dangerous
to have around normal{*, well-adjusted} students.
It was just...
so big and bushy, sir!
- Why does it look like that?
- So what happens to us now?
A life of desperation and anguish,
I'm afraid.
Your addiction will start off slowly,
magazines, Internet sites.
But {*then }as you keep chasing your high,
your tastes will get more {*and more }dangerous.
{*Most likely, }You'll end up {*going the way of}like David Carradine
and Michael Hutchence.
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Autoerotic asphyxiation?
What's that?
I don't want to go
into too much detail, but...
you choke yourself with a belt{* around your neck},
while masturbating,
dressed up like Batman{* or something}.
Then you pass out{* from lack of air},
and apparently, it makes
your orgasm super awesome.
Really?
I don't wanna have
to buy a Batman costume!
Ladies and gentlemen,
for the past {*several }days
we have been screening {*our nation's }schools
for signs of sex addition.
The results of our tests
are troubling, to say the least.
Dr. Tonton?
In fourth graders, 5% of male students
were found to be sex addicts.
By sixth grade,
the number goes up to 30%.
At high schools,
nearly 91% of male students answered
"What handkerchief?"
We're facing a sex addiction epidemic
in our country.
Young people all over America
are infected
and at an extreme risk to themselves
and to the people around them.
They're leading lives of secret pain.
And so, these infected boys
will soon be secretly wishing
they could be having sex
all the time
with lots of different people?
It appears so.
The poor bastards.
But what about us,
normal healthy adults?
Are we at risk of exposure?
We don't believe so.
In adult males, for whatever reason,
{*sex addiction}it only seems to be problematic
amongst rich,
successful celebrities.
However,
we are still collecting data.
{*Why would}Why'd wealth or success cause a man
to {*go out and }have sex with everyone he could?
Whatever is causing this outbreak,
we guarantee we will find it.
Kenny, it's time for dinner!
Sunset and evening star,
and one clear call for me!
And may there be
no moaning of the bar,
- when I put out to sea.
- {*Oh }My God, it's true.
But such a tide
as moving seems asleep,
too full for sound and foam,
when that which drew
from out the boundless deep...
There!
It was like that!
It looked just like that!
Just like this but smaller!
{*And }Right {*in the place}where her underwear
should have been!
If I trim it down, it'll look right.
Butters, stop it!
But this is
what I keep seeing in my head!
{*Butters, }We are sick, don't you get it?
{*We're going to}We'll end up {*just }like Kenny!
If I can just see it again,
I'll be fine!
{*Butters, }Stop!
- Leave me alone!
- Stop it!{* Stop!}
Oh God!
Help us!
{pub}{pos(192,245)}Tiger lines up his drive.
{pos(192,245)}He'll be hoping for a birdie here.
{pos(192,245)}Concentration is key.
{pos(192,245)}You motherfucker!
I never should have married you!
{pos(192,245)}God dammit, stop it!
{pos(192,245)}How many women did you fuck?
How many?
- Dude, I clocked you!
- I told you this game was sweet{*, dude}.
{pos(192,245)}Hang on.
I'm switching to a seven iron.
Man, I lost another endorsement!
- How'd you do that?
- Hit A and X together.
{pos(192,245)}Round 2.
{pos(192,245)}Fight!
You're going down, Elin!
I don't think so{*, dude}.
I got the prenup power up.
{pos(192,245)}Prenup power up!
{pos(192,245)}Prenup, weak!
When did you get that power up?
All right, sex addicts!
What other destructive behaviors
did we engage in,
which lead to our ultimate downfall?
Anyone have another example?
Let's see.
How about... David!
Having sex with employees.
Sex with employees,
definitely a danger there.
What else?
Mr. Clinton?
Putting cigars in girls' vaginas.
Very good, Billy.
Cigars in vaginas.
Not the best idea there.
Watching Internet porn
all day every day?
Spot on, Charlie Sheen.
Excessive Internet porn.
Now, the reason
we are making this list
is that we have new members today!
I want you all to welcome
Kyle and Bummers!
Would you care
to share your stories with us, boys?
{*Well, }I just found out I'm a sex addict.
I'm so scared.
I haven't even told my mom yet.
Does your mom have big tits?
Sorry.
Me, I just...
I just can't stop thinking
about bush.
I heard that.
{*I mean, }It's like... What is it?
What does it mean?
Why would there be a bush{* right there}?
Is it a live bush?
Are there berries?
Mr. Duchovny,
please stop jerking off.
Gee wiz.
To better understand
the sex addiction outbreak
we have been running tests
on chimpanzees.
{*You can see that }This entire community of specimens
are getting along normally,
some pairing off,
others on their own.
{*Now, }See this chimp here.
An average, normal adult male.
Blending in seamlessly with the others.
Now watch.
We are going to give it a lot of money.
Go ahead.
My God!
The subject is now isolated
and shunned.
Incredible.
And what is it doing now?
Making a public apology
on its talk show.
Alrighty!{* Now,}
We all know the destructive behavior
that got us
into this predicament, don't we?
What is the main thing
we've all learned to avoid?
{*Yes, }Tiger!
Avoid drugs and alcohol?
No, Tiger.
You still aren't getting it.
In order to make sure
we are no longer destroying our lives
with any of these behaviors,
we must avoid...
Anyone?
Avoid getting... Anyone?
Caught.
Yes, Michael Douglas, everyone?
Getting caught.
Very good!
You are all here in therapy
because you got...
caught!
{*So, }How to we avoid getting caught?
Ben Roethlisberger.
Don't screw girls
in the public bathrooms?
When they ask you
for money, pay them.
Good{*, yes}.
Hang on.
We shouldn't be learning
how to not get caught.
We have to take responsibility
for our actions.
What the fuck are you talking about?
We have to accept
that we have a problem
and put the blame
completely on ourselves.
{*I mean, }Maybe this isn't really
even a disease.
{*Yeah, }It's me.
We've got a turd in the punch bowl.
I repeat, we have a turd
in the punch bowl.
Mr. President, in every test
the results were the same.
The monkeys who were given cash
always acted out
their sexual addiction
to dangerous levels.
It appears that money
has a direct effect
on the viruses ability to develop.
So we must keep our nation's youth
away from money and success.
No good{* Mr. President}.
Because we've learned that sex addicts
will find ways to make money
and become successful
in order to feed their addiction.
{*You mean }Boys will start working
towards being rich and successful
just so they can one day
have sex with lots of women?
That's why we decided
to look at the cash itself for clues.
We tried to find something
in hundred dollar bills
that could explain
why this is happening now.
Then we looked at the backside
and found this.
Independence Hall,
the birthplace of our country.
We believe something is happening
at Independence Hall
that gives money its power over men.
Independence Hall,
Independence Day,
aliens.
Gentlemen,
I might know what's causing
the sex addiction outbreak.
This is highly classified,
but in 1947,
a flying saucer was discovered
in Roswell, New Mexico.
Two deceased alien {*bodies }were recovered
and hidden from public knowledge.
They carried a virus with them,
{*a virus }that{* apparently} was only barely stopped
from spreading all over the country.
And you think these aliens
could be back with a new virus,
{*one }originating from Independence Hall
causing rich successful men
to have sex with lots of women?
It's the only explanation
that makes any sense.
{pub}{pos(192,240)}I want to say that I am deeply sorry
{pos(192,240)}for my irresponsible
and selfish behavior.
{pos(192,240)}I know I have severely disappointed
all of you.
{pos(192,240)}Some have speculated
that my wife somehow hurt
{pos(192,240)}or attacked me
on Thanksgiving night.
{pos(192,240)}It angers me that people
would fabricate a story like that.
{pos(192,240)}She has shown nothing
but grace and poise.
{pos(192,240)}You motherfucker!
I should have never married you!
- Stop it!
- A porn star?
You screwed a porn star?
{*Oh dude, }You found another girl's phone number
on my cell phone?
{*Yeah, }Back in that water level.
Is Kyle still
at sex addiction therapy?
That must be really intense.
{*Okay, so }What exactly are we doing now?
We are on our way to help take care
of your diseases once and for all!
Good,
'cause I really can't take it anymore.
Don't worry. As soon as it's dead,
everything will make sense.
As soon as what's dead?
- Jesus!
- He just doesn't get it!
The infected alien
that they just discovered is hiding out
at Independence Hall!
Entrance is clear, Mr. President!
Mr. President, you aren't safe here,
let us handle this.
Right side clear!
We must be careful.
The alien could have cast
some kind of spell of invisibility.
Which would mean
that the alien is also a wizard.
{*Yes!}It explains everything!
A wizard alien would be able
to cast a spell on our species.
Causing all the men
to become sex addicts.
Enough!
We've to find the wizard alien
and break his spell!
Okay, okay.
All right, hang on guys.
{*I mean }Come on,
this is getting a little ridiculous.
Wizard alien?
We all know
what's going on here, don't we?
Whenever a story breaks
about some rich {*famous }guy going around
and having sex with tons of girls,
we all {*want to }act like we don't understand it.
But we do.
We're guys, you know?
Our brains are wired
to strive to be the alpha male,
{*and }get all the women that we can.
{*I mean, }Look where we are!
Even Benjamin Franklin
screwed everything that moved,
because he could.
We don't have to condone
what these rich famous people do,
but we can at least admit
that given the same temptations
and opportunities
that somebody like Tiger Woods has,
a lot of guys
might do something similar.
We have a turd in the punch bowl.
Turd in the punch bowl.
What are you doing?
{*Come on!}Where are you taking me?
Ten city blocks have been shut down
because an alien is believed
to have taken refuge here,
in Independence Hall.
By all accounts
the alien is also a wizard,
who could very easily be
the cause of the outbreak
of sex addiction in our country!
{*Mr. President!}Here they are!
This is the boy I told you about.
- And his friend, Bummers.
- Son,
we were told that you think
sex addition can be controlled,
that it just takes restraint.
Is that true?
I just think I'd rather control it
instead of blame it on anything.
Amazing!
{*Then }The wizard alien's spell
might not have any power over him!
- He could draw the bastard out!
- Quick! Give that boy a gun!
- What?
- You better take one too!
{*All right.}Everyone to the stairwell!
- The bastard has gotta be upstairs!
- What bastard?
The alien wizard hiding out here!
Come on, we've got to...
What the hell was that?
I got a bad feeling about this.
- {*Oh }My God, there it is!
- It's the alien wizard!
It's gonna get you boys!
Shoot it!
- Shoot it, boys!
- You have to shoot it!
{*Shoot it }Again!
It's still alive!
You gotta reload!
Keep firing, boys!
Shoot it in the heart!
- Keep shooting it!
- Shoot him in his blabber mouth!
My God, they've done it!
{*Look!}The sex addiction!
It's leaving my body!
I can feel it!
I'm free!
We are healed!
We watched
as sex addiction
ran rampant through our country.
It devastated families.
But once again,
our great country has risen up as one.
The wizard alien is dead.
Sex addiction is no more.
And if a rich celebrity
is caught again
trying to screw lots of women,
we'll now know it isn't
because men are just like that,
it's because a wizard alien
has cast his mighty spell.
I'm so glad it's over, Sharon,
aren't you?
We are now with the young boys
who helped stop the alien.
{*Boys, }How does it feel
to be free of your illness?
I guess it feels great.
Thanks.
Yeah, it feels great!
I never wanna see bush again!
I finally paid a lady
to show me hers.
You wanna know
what's under that bush?
Nothin' but a pair
of sick joker lips!
{pos(192,240)}I am so happy that I am cured,
{pos(192,240)}and no longer have any desire
to have sex with anyone,
{pos(192,240)}but my beautiful wife.
{pos(192,240)}Now I can be faithful,
{pos(192,240)}and my wife won't feel
any need to get revenge
{pos(192,240)}by sleeping with a bunch of guys.
{pos(192,240)}So I officially announce
my return to golf!
What the hell?
This game's all boring now.
{*Yeah, }Where's all the fighting?
{*Dude, }Screw this. Who wants to hit
a dumb little ball around?
Golf is stupid again.
{pub}{pos(192,210)}Put it down, you bitch!
Put the golf club down,
you crazy bitch!
You motherfucker!
I never should have married you!
You're overreacting,
you stupid Swedish cow!
Then why the fuck
are you getting text messages
from some low-life hooker
on Thanksgiving?
God, shut up!
Shut up!
Where are my fucking pills?
Take more Vicodin, Tiger!
That'll help!
- Will you just listen to me?
- Listen to this!
You fucking whore!
Where the fuck
do you think you're going?
I'm getting the fuck away from you!
Open the door, you motherfucker!
Chase after me in the car, Kenny!
- What are you {*guys }doing?
- {*Dude, }Check it out.
It's EA Sports
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11 for Xbox.
- Fuck you, cunt!
- Stop breaking through the window{*, Kenny}!
I'm gonna crash!
Look what you did, you crazy bitch!
Serves you right, you cheating turd!
- {*Dude, }Was that a combo move?
- Yeah, {*dude, }I fucked you up!
{*Dude, }Here come the cops!
We gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie!
I didn't know golf games
were this cool!
Yeah, {*dude, }EA Sports
outdid themselves this time.
{$CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL
AND PREVENTION}
I've gathered you together here
because you are the best minds
our country has to offer.
As you have all seen on the news,
our country is facing a major crisis.
And we need to find out
what's causing it. Why!
Why are rich successful men
suddenly going out
and trying to have sex
with lots of women.
Tiger Woods
was only the most prevalent,
but our data shows
that the numbers are growing.
David Letterman
and before that, Bill Clinton.
There is a pattern here{*, people}.
Why would a man who's famous
and makes tons of money
use that to try and have sex
with lots of different women?
And these rich celebrities
have perfectly good wives at home!
Why would they even think
of sex with others?
Dammit.
I want answers.
We believe that it may be
an outbreak of sex addiction, sir.
Sex a woo-hoo?
It's a new phenomena
we don't completely understand yet.
But it seems to make people...
different.
Of course, we {*all }know the normal {*healthy }male
thinks only of sex occasionally
and has no desire
for sex with multiple partners.
Of course.
- Definitely true.
- {*Yes, }We all know that, go on.
But in the sex addict,
their {*entire }lives are consumed with thoughts
of wanting more and more.
The mere sight of an attractive woman
can make him think about sex with her.
But what about love?
How could tons of fame and money
make you forget about love?
What could be causing
this outbreak of sexual addiction?
It could be caused
by something in the water supply.
- Perhaps even by global warming.
- Or cooling.
If so, then the disease
could start to affect our children.
That does it.
I want health screenings
at all our nation's schools.
We need to find out if {*any }young people
might be carrying this disease.
Good afternoon, students.
We are going to be doing
a health screening today.
It won't take long,
and will be relatively painless,
but we need to see
if any students are showing symptoms.
In a moment, I am going
to show you a suggestive picture,
and {*then }I am going to ask you a question
about the picture.
All right. Ready?
Here we go.
What?
Jesus, dude.
Holy Moly.
What's that, between the lady's legs?
It's all bushy!
Please just study the picture
the best you can, students.
I'll then ask a question
which you'll answer on the paper{* provided}.
I've never seen that part of a lady!
Do they all got a hedge like that?
Do they?
Okay, very good.
Now, what color...
was the handkerchief
in the nice lady's hand?
Write down your answer, please.
What color was the handkerchief
in the nice lady's hand.
Did you see the bush on that lady?
What the heck was that?
Very good.
Turn your answers over, please.
Gee wiz, it was like
almost up to her belly button.
All right, now.
Who answered
that the handkerchief was yellow?
Very good.
Very good indeed.
Now I'd like to see, who answered:
"What handkerchief?"
You three boys, please come with me.
I didn't see a handkerchief.
Did you see {*a handkerchief}it, Kenny?
Fuck no, I wasn't looking
at any handkerchief!
I'm sorry{* boys}, but I'm afraid you three
have tested positive for sex addiction.
- What?
- Oh no!
Who fucking cares.
{*We are going to}We'll have to send you home,
I'm afraid.
Wait, we're sex addicts?
Are you sure?
Our nice lady with a handkerchief test
is {*extremely}very comprehensive and thorough.
{*I'm }Sorry, but you're simply too dangerous
to have around normal{*, well-adjusted} students.
It was just...
so big and bushy, sir!
- Why does it look like that?
- So what happens to us now?
A life of desperation and anguish,
I'm afraid.
Your addiction will start off slowly,
magazines, Internet sites.
But {*then }as you keep chasing your high,
your tastes will get more {*and more }dangerous.
{*Most likely, }You'll end up {*going the way of}like David Carradine
and Michael Hutchence.
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Autoerotic asphyxiation?
What's that?
I don't want to go
into too much detail, but...
you choke yourself with a belt{* around your neck},
while masturbating,
dressed up like Batman{* or something}.
Then you pass out{* from lack of air},
and apparently, it makes
your orgasm super awesome.
Really?
I don't wanna have
to buy a Batman costume!
Ladies and gentlemen,
for the past {*several }days
we have been screening {*our nation's }schools
for signs of sex addition.
The results of our tests
are troubling, to say the least.
Dr. Tonton?
In fourth graders, 5% of male students
were found to be sex addicts.
By sixth grade,
the number goes up to 30%.
At high schools,
nearly 91% of male students answered
"What handkerchief?"
We're facing a sex addiction epidemic
in our country.
Young people all over America
are infected
and at an extreme risk to themselves
and to the people around them.
They're leading lives of secret pain.
And so, these infected boys
will soon be secretly wishing
they could be having sex
all the time
with lots of different people?
It appears so.
The poor bastards.
But what about us,
normal healthy adults?
Are we at risk of exposure?
We don't believe so.
In adult males, for whatever reason,
{*sex addiction}it only seems to be problematic
amongst rich,
successful celebrities.
However,
we are still collecting data.
{*Why would}Why'd wealth or success cause a man
to {*go out and }have sex with everyone he could?
Whatever is causing this outbreak,
we guarantee we will find it.
Kenny, it's time for dinner!
Sunset and evening star,
and one clear call for me!
And may there be
no moaning of the bar,
- when I put out to sea.
- {*Oh }My God, it's true.
But such a tide
as moving seems asleep,
too full for sound and foam,
when that which drew
from out the boundless deep...
There!
It was like that!
It looked just like that!
Just like this but smaller!
{*And }Right {*in the place}where her underwear
should have been!
If I trim it down, it'll look right.
Butters, stop it!
But this is
what I keep seeing in my head!
{*Butters, }We are sick, don't you get it?
{*We're going to}We'll end up {*just }like Kenny!
If I can just see it again,
I'll be fine!
{*Butters, }Stop!
- Leave me alone!
- Stop it!{* Stop!}
Oh God!
Help us!
{pub}{pos(192,245)}Tiger lines up his drive.
{pos(192,245)}He'll be hoping for a birdie here.
{pos(192,245)}Concentration is key.
{pos(192,245)}You motherfucker!
I never should have married you!
{pos(192,245)}God dammit, stop it!
{pos(192,245)}How many women did you fuck?
How many?
- Dude, I clocked you!
- I told you this game was sweet{*, dude}.
{pos(192,245)}Hang on.
I'm switching to a seven iron.
Man, I lost another endorsement!
- How'd you do that?
- Hit A and X together.
{pos(192,245)}Round 2.
{pos(192,245)}Fight!
You're going down, Elin!
I don't think so{*, dude}.
I got the prenup power up.
{pos(192,245)}Prenup power up!
{pos(192,245)}Prenup, weak!
When did you get that power up?
All right, sex addicts!
What other destructive behaviors
did we engage in,
which lead to our ultimate downfall?
Anyone have another example?
Let's see.
How about... David!
Having sex with employees.
Sex with employees,
definitely a danger there.
What else?
Mr. Clinton?
Putting cigars in girls' vaginas.
Very good, Billy.
Cigars in vaginas.
Not the best idea there.
Watching Internet porn
all day every day?
Spot on, Charlie Sheen.
Excessive Internet porn.
Now, the reason
we are making this list
is that we have new members today!
I want you all to welcome
Kyle and Bummers!
Would you care
to share your stories with us, boys?
{*Well, }I just found out I'm a sex addict.
I'm so scared.
I haven't even told my mom yet.
Does your mom have big tits?
Sorry.
Me, I just...
I just can't stop thinking
about bush.
I heard that.
{*I mean, }It's like... What is it?
What does it mean?
Why would there be a bush{* right there}?
Is it a live bush?
Are there berries?
Mr. Duchovny,
please stop jerking off.
Gee wiz.
To better understand
the sex addiction outbreak
we have been running tests
on chimpanzees.
{*You can see that }This entire community of specimens
are getting along normally,
some pairing off,
others on their own.
{*Now, }See this chimp here.
An average, normal adult male.
Blending in seamlessly with the others.
Now watch.
We are going to give it a lot of money.
Go ahead.
My God!
The subject is now isolated
and shunned.
Incredible.
And what is it doing now?
Making a public apology
on its talk show.
Alrighty!{* Now,}
We all know the destructive behavior
that got us
into this predicament, don't we?
What is the main thing
we've all learned to avoid?
{*Yes, }Tiger!
Avoid drugs and alcohol?
No, Tiger.
You still aren't getting it.
In order to make sure
we are no longer destroying our lives
with any of these behaviors,
we must avoid...
Anyone?
Avoid getting... Anyone?
Caught.
Yes, Michael Douglas, everyone?
Getting caught.
Very good!
You are all here in therapy
because you got...
caught!
{*So, }How to we avoid getting caught?
Ben Roethlisberger.
Don't screw girls
in the public bathrooms?
When they ask you
for money, pay them.
Good{*, yes}.
Hang on.
We shouldn't be learning
how to not get caught.
We have to take responsibility
for our actions.
What the fuck are you talking about?
We have to accept
that we have a problem
and put the blame
completely on ourselves.
{*I mean, }Maybe this isn't really
even a disease.
{*Yeah, }It's me.
We've got a turd in the punch bowl.
I repeat, we have a turd
in the punch bowl.
Mr. President, in every test
the results were the same.
The monkeys who were given cash
always acted out
their sexual addiction
to dangerous levels.
It appears that money
has a direct effect
on the viruses ability to develop.
So we must keep our nation's youth
away from money and success.
No good{* Mr. President}.
Because we've learned that sex addicts
will find ways to make money
and become successful
in order to feed their addiction.
{*You mean }Boys will start working
towards being rich and successful
just so they can one day
have sex with lots of women?
That's why we decided
to look at the cash itself for clues.
We tried to find something
in hundred dollar bills
that could explain
why this is happening now.
Then we looked at the backside
and found this.
Independence Hall,
the birthplace of our country.
We believe something is happening
at Independence Hall
that gives money its power over men.
Independence Hall,
Independence Day,
aliens.
Gentlemen,
I might know what's causing
the sex addiction outbreak.
This is highly classified,
but in 1947,
a flying saucer was discovered
in Roswell, New Mexico.
Two deceased alien {*bodies }were recovered
and hidden from public knowledge.
They carried a virus with them,
{*a virus }that{* apparently} was only barely stopped
from spreading all over the country.
And you think these aliens
could be back with a new virus,
{*one }originating from Independence Hall
causing rich successful men
to have sex with lots of women?
It's the only explanation
that makes any sense.
{pub}{pos(192,240)}I want to say that I am deeply sorry
{pos(192,240)}for my irresponsible
and selfish behavior.
{pos(192,240)}I know I have severely disappointed
all of you.
{pos(192,240)}Some have speculated
that my wife somehow hurt
{pos(192,240)}or attacked me
on Thanksgiving night.
{pos(192,240)}It angers me that people
would fabricate a story like that.
{pos(192,240)}She has shown nothing
but grace and poise.
{pos(192,240)}You motherfucker!
I should have never married you!
- Stop it!
- A porn star?
You screwed a porn star?
{*Oh dude, }You found another girl's phone number
on my cell phone?
{*Yeah, }Back in that water level.
Is Kyle still
at sex addiction therapy?
That must be really intense.
{*Okay, so }What exactly are we doing now?
We are on our way to help take care
of your diseases once and for all!
Good,
'cause I really can't take it anymore.
Don't worry. As soon as it's dead,
everything will make sense.
As soon as what's dead?
- Jesus!
- He just doesn't get it!
The infected alien
that they just discovered is hiding out
at Independence Hall!
Entrance is clear, Mr. President!
Mr. President, you aren't safe here,
let us handle this.
Right side clear!
We must be careful.
The alien could have cast
some kind of spell of invisibility.
Which would mean
that the alien is also a wizard.
{*Yes!}It explains everything!
A wizard alien would be able
to cast a spell on our species.
Causing all the men
to become sex addicts.
Enough!
We've to find the wizard alien
and break his spell!
Okay, okay.
All right, hang on guys.
{*I mean }Come on,
this is getting a little ridiculous.
Wizard alien?
We all know
what's going on here, don't we?
Whenever a story breaks
about some rich {*famous }guy going around
and having sex with tons of girls,
we all {*want to }act like we don't understand it.
But we do.
We're guys, you know?
Our brains are wired
to strive to be the alpha male,
{*and }get all the women that we can.
{*I mean, }Look where we are!
Even Benjamin Franklin
screwed everything that moved,
because he could.
We don't have to condone
what these rich famous people do,
but we can at least admit
that given the same temptations
and opportunities
that somebody like Tiger Woods has,
a lot of guys
might do something similar.
We have a turd in the punch bowl.
Turd in the punch bowl.
What are you doing?
{*Come on!}Where are you taking me?
Ten city blocks have been shut down
because an alien is believed
to have taken refuge here,
in Independence Hall.
By all accounts
the alien is also a wizard,
who could very easily be
the cause of the outbreak
of sex addiction in our country!
{*Mr. President!}Here they are!
This is the boy I told you about.
- And his friend, Bummers.
- Son,
we were told that you think
sex addition can be controlled,
that it just takes restraint.
Is that true?
I just think I'd rather control it
instead of blame it on anything.
Amazing!
{*Then }The wizard alien's spell
might not have any power over him!
- He could draw the bastard out!
- Quick! Give that boy a gun!
- What?
- You better take one too!
{*All right.}Everyone to the stairwell!
- The bastard has gotta be upstairs!
- What bastard?
The alien wizard hiding out here!
Come on, we've got to...
What the hell was that?
I got a bad feeling about this.
- {*Oh }My God, there it is!
- It's the alien wizard!
It's gonna get you boys!
Shoot it!
- Shoot it, boys!
- You have to shoot it!
{*Shoot it }Again!
It's still alive!
You gotta reload!
Keep firing, boys!
Shoot it in the heart!
- Keep shooting it!
- Shoot him in his blabber mouth!
My God, they've done it!
{*Look!}The sex addiction!
It's leaving my body!
I can feel it!
I'm free!
We are healed!
We watched
as sex addiction
ran rampant through our country.
It devastated families.
But once again,
our great country has risen up as one.
The wizard alien is dead.
Sex addiction is no more.
And if a rich celebrity
is caught again
trying to screw lots of women,
we'll now know it isn't
because men are just like that,
it's because a wizard alien
has cast his mighty spell.
I'm so glad it's over, Sharon,
aren't you?
We are now with the young boys
who helped stop the alien.
{*Boys, }How does it feel
to be free of your illness?
I guess it feels great.
Thanks.
Yeah, it feels great!
I never wanna see bush again!
I finally paid a lady
to show me hers.
You wanna know
what's under that bush?
Nothin' but a pair
of sick joker lips!
{pos(192,240)}I am so happy that I am cured,
{pos(192,240)}and no longer have any desire
to have sex with anyone,
{pos(192,240)}but my beautiful wife.
{pos(192,240)}Now I can be faithful,
{pos(192,240)}and my wife won't feel
any need to get revenge
{pos(192,240)}by sleeping with a bunch of guys.
{pos(192,240)}So I officially announce
my return to golf!
What the hell?
This game's all boring now.
{*Yeah, }Where's all the fighting?
{*Dude, }Screw this. Who wants to hit
a dumb little ball around?
Golf is stupid again.