South Park (1997–…): Season 13, Episode 5 - Fishsticks - full transcript

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comedy central

* i'm going down
to south park *

* gonna have
myself a time *

* friendly faces
everywhere *

* humble folks
without temptation *

* going down
to south park *

* gonna leave my
woes behind *

* ample parking
day or night *

* people spouting
"howdy neighbor" *

* headed on up
to south park *

* gonna see if
i can't unwind *



* ( mumbling )

* come on down
to south park *

* and meet some
friends of mine *

hey jimmy, what
are you up to ?

oh, hey eric.

i was just trying to
write some new jokes

for my comedy
r-r-routine.

yeah well, you wanna
do something ?

i wanted to hang out
with stan and kyle

but they're all pissed off
at me for something

so i have to
hang out with you.

sorry, eric, but i really
need to work, very much.

i haven't written
a good joke in over a week.

alright, well maybe
i can help you.



you know, we can totally
write some stuff together.

oh well sure,

i've never really tried
working with a partner

but let's give it
a sh-sho-

sho-shotsgarrooski.

let's see...
i was working on this-

why does a squirrel
swim on its back ?

to keep his
n-nuts dry...

nah, that's
not that funny.

let's try
something else.

uh... a fireman
and a p-p-pollack

are eating
marshmallows, when-

no- no pollacks aren't
that funny, dude.

try something else.

so the pope says

"what are you,
a stinking evolutionist ?"

mehhh...

here's some fruit, boys.

better for you than
potato chips.

ooh, jimmy look out,
there's a black widow !

wow, thanks mom !

you might'a
saved my life !

dude, if i'm trying to be
creative i can't eat fruit -

doesn't your mom have something
more substantial to eat ?

you can check
the freezer.

there might be some frozen
fishsticks or something.

if you like
fishsticks...

yeah, i like fishsticks.

wait a minute...
fish sticks.

fish... dicks...

oh my god,
it's so obvious !

how did i never
think of it before ?

dude, you got
something ?

alright just run with me
on this, eric.

say eric, do you
like fishsticks ?

yeah.

you like putting
fish sticks in your mouth ?

yeah.

well what are
you, eric...

a gay fish ?

fish dicks !

oh dude that's
funny as shit !

i think we're really
onto something here !

let's try it out
on the guys !

( school bell ringing )

oh, there's clyde,
do it to clyde !

yeah, yeah, let's
do it to clyde !

okay, okay, shhh,
check it out.

uh hey there, clyde.

hey.

what's going on ?

eric and jimmy came up with
the funniest joke ever !

say clyde, do you
like fishsticks ?

yes.

you like to put fishsticks
in your mouth ?

yes.

what are you, clyde,
a gay fish ?

you said you like fish dicks
in your mouth

that makes you
a gay fish !

ha-ha !!
ha-ha !

token, token, got
a question for you.

token, do you
like fishsticks ?

fishsticks,
yeah, i guess so.

shh shh, butters !

you like putting
fishsticks in your mouth ?

yes.

a gay fish ?
what are you,
a gay fish ?

ha ha haaaa !

hey look there's
kevin stoley !

hey kevin do you
like fishsticks ?

( knock on door )

hey...
hey mackey.

do you like
fishsticks ?

fishsticks ?

yeah, i like
fishsticks, mkay.

oh hey, peterson,
buying fishsticks
i see...

yeah, i like
fishsticks.

what are you peterson,
a gay fish ?

and now here he is,
jimmy kimmel !

alright, hey how we all
feeling tonight...

so let me ask the guys
in the audience a question-

do you like fishsticks ?

yes !yes !
yes.

huh... what are you,
gay fish ?

and so uh,
hey paul...

do you like
fishsticks, paul ?

uh... sure.

what are you paul,
a gay fish ?

so apparently
more and more americans

are eating fishsticks-
have you see this ?

have you
read about this ?

loving fishsticks.

kind of makes me wonder,
you know ?

what is everybody,
a gay fish ?

it is quite possibly the
funniest joke ever conceived,

and its origin is unknown.

the fishdicks joke
crosses all borders

all races all ages
and ethnic groups

and is slowly uniting
our country.

in fact, the only person who
appears to not get the joke

is rapper kanye west

who becomes furious when people
use the joke on him.

yo' that is messed up, yo.

i am not gay.

and i sure as hell
ain't no fish, alright ?

you...
really don't get it ?

hey man,
i'm a genius, alright.

i'm the most talented musician
in the world.

if i was a homosexual
or a fish, i would know !

you're a rapper.

yes !

an entrepreneur.

yes.

and you like
fish dicks.

yes.

you're a gay fish.

no i'm not
no gay fish.

just gay ?

i'm not gay and
i'm not a fish.

man !

you are male.

damn right i'm male !

a male that
likes fish dicks.

yeah, i like fishsticks.

you like to put fish dicks
in your mouth.

yeah.

you're a gay fish.

alright that does it !

i'm gonna kick your
motherfucking ass !

and then it was on leno
and jimmy kimmel show !

dude, that's our joke on
national television !

we know, cartman.

* nya-nya nya-nya
nyaaa nya *

* we are comedy writers

* and you
guys aren't *

* ha-ha ha-ha
haaaa-ha *

jimmy, i've
been thinking.

we've got to patent
the fishsticks joke.

patent ?
yeah, dude.

there's lots of people
out there using our joke

on their shows.

we should be
getting compensated.

well eric, that's really
not how jokes work.

i mean, you know

we should just be happy
that the joke is so popular

and made a lot
of people laugh.

dude, fuck that !

maybe you were writing jokes
for people's amusement

but i don't work for free.

i'm gonna
talk to a lawyer

so we get what's
coming to us.

jimmy, exactly what part
of the fishdicks joke

did cartman write ?

well... he didn't actually
write any of it...

he just uh...

let me guess-
you wrote the joke

and cartman just laid on
the couch eating twizzlers.

actually it
was potato chips.

i knew it !

don't let that fat turd
walk all over you, jimmy !

stand up for yourself !

well i mean,
he was in the room.

then just
give him half.

what ?

i like you, jimmy.

but you're not
gonna win this.

consider yourself lucky
he's only asking for half.

craig, if cartman
didn't do anything

then he doesn't deserve
any of the credit.

yup.

and and if i had wheels,
i'd be a wagon.

no dude, screw that !

jimmy, if cartman didn't
write the joke

then definitely don't sign
any patent papers with him !

just say 'cartman,

'you didn't have anything
to do with this joke,

and you know it !'

just give him half.

there are a lot
of people out there

making up rumors about me

that are
malicious and untrue !

but i am going to prove
once and for all

i am not a fish.

because i am a genius

i have ascertained
that fish have gills.

doctor, do i have gills ?

he does not
have gills.

you hear that,
no gills.

so i can't be a fish.

and i'm a genius voice of a
generation, so i'm not gay.

so that is that,
alright, it's over.

now are there
any questions ?

do you like
fishsticks ?

love 'em !

you're a gay fish.

no, i'm not,
ahghghgh !!

alright, recently...

recently we've all come to know
the fishsticks joke

as probably the funniest,
most awesome joke ever.

but who originally
came up with it ?

well, here's your answer-

joining us tonight,
the brains behind

the incredible
fishsticks joke --

the one and only,
carlos mencia !

yeah,
viva la mexico !

so carlos, you've got
a show on comedy central

a stand up tour,
where did you have time

to come up with
this classic joke ?

well, you know, i was just
kickin' it with my homies

and my brain -
you know my brain

is always so full of ideas
'cuz i'm so funny and stuff...

so i was all like -

"hey pepeeto,
you like fishsticks ?"

and my homeboy says,

'yeah carlos y'know
you're so funny'.

and then it just
occurred to me,

'oh man, you must be
a gay fish, holmes !'

that's just how i came
up with it, mi amigos !

motherfucker !

jimmy, dude,
did you see ?

carlos mencia is taking
credit for our joke !

really ?

yeah dude, i told you
this would happen.

now look, i got a lawyer to
draw up some patent papers.

we've got to sign these
so that people know

that the joke belongs
to you and me !

uh... i don't know, eric.

i really don't think i want to
sign that, very much.

but jimmy, some fat turd
is taking credit

for something
he didn't do !

well, to be perfectly
f-f-frank, eric,

i think i came up with
a little bit more of the joke

than you did.

what ?

well, you know, i mean,
i basically wrote the thing

and you just kind of...
ate chips.

jimmy, that's messed up.

we decided that day
to write together.

don't you remember ?

hey jimmy,
you wanna hang out ?

sorry, eric, but i gotta
write some jokes.

unless you wanna
team up or something ?

team up ?

okay, let's write
some jokes together.

here's some fishdicks guys,
hope you like fishdicks.

"do we like
fishsticks ?"

what does she think
we are, gay fish ?

ha-ha !
ha-ha !

ooh, look out jimmy,
it's a black widow !

wow, thanks eric !

is that... is that
how it happened ?

look, exactly who came up
with which part of the joke

isn't even relevant.

we had an
agreement, jimmy

and if you wanna
go back on that now...

well then, you're
no better than a jew.

i'm... i'm sorry ?

it's cool man.

it's cool.

here he is, ya'll !

give it up for
kanye west !

yo' uh, yo'.

yo' woa,
what the hell ?

gay fish !
gay fish !
gay fish !

gay fish !
gay fish !gay fish !

yo' fuck
this noise yo' !

it just doesn't
make any sense, yo' !

why's everyone calling me
a gay fish ?

kanye, look, we all think
it would be better

if you would
just drop it.

you know, i mean,
if you don't get it

you don't get it.

what you mean
i don't get it, house ?

i'm a genius !

i'll understand it,

i just need to
break it down, is all.

now let's see...
something about fishsticks-

interacting with me,
makes me gay fish...

kanye, really--

shut up !

alright what do we know
about fishsticks...

they're breaded...
they're fried, they're frozen.

then under me
we have rapper... genius...

gay fish
are homosexual...

they swim...

is it because breaded has
something to do with genius ?

which swims ?

no, because you said you
like fish dicks, kanye.

don't you get it ?

you see fish dicks
is a play on words.

i don't need anyone
telling me play on words

i'm a motherfucking
lyrical wordsmith

motherfucking genius !

hey kyle, can i talk to you
for a second ?

dude, get outta here,
i'm peeing.

it's just...

i don't know what
to do about jimmy.

i'm starting to think he
might try and jew me out of

my half of the
fishsticks joke.

i just need you
to teach me some

jew defensive moves, kyle.

because we really both
did come up with it.

you know what, cartman ?

i believe you.

you do ?
yes.

i believe that
you believe

you helped
write that joke.

that's how people
like you work.

your ego is
so out of whack

that it will do whatever
it can to protect itself.

and people with
a messed up ego

can do these
mental gymnastics

to convince themselves
they're awesome

when really they're
just douchebags.

but... i'm sure i helped
come up with the joke...

didn't i ?

hey jimmy,
what's up, dawg ?

oh hey eric !

just working on
some jokes.

that's cool, you wanna
write some together ?

hey, that'd be great !

i've always wanted
to work with you.

you're really funny and
you're totally not fat.

cool, thanks,
let's get to work.

now let's see...

something that's
a play on words.

i dunno... fishsticks.

you know, 'cuz dicks.

hey, you're really
onto something there !

hello eric,
i have some chips

because you're totally
not fat at all.

oh thank you,
mrs. valmer.

now let's see...

the setup could be
"do you like fishsticks ?"

right, and then
i say 'yeah'

so then i can say
'what are you a gay fish ?'

oh wow this is
incredible !

( mrs. v. )
what is that ?

it's a dragon
of some kind !

don't worry
i can save you all !

hughgh !!

hey look, eric
killed a dragon !

he's the most awesome
kid in school !

and he's not
fat at all !

thanks you guys !

nope...

no, i definitely
helped write the joke.

all i can hope is jimmy
doesn't try to jew me over.

is it perhaps...

that i'm fashionable and
fishsticks are crunchy ?

yo' kanye, kanye,
we found 'em, money !

found who ?

you told us
to track down

whoever started the
whole fishstick thang.

we found out who, dawg.

come on, man,
what is this man ?

what the fuck
is going on man ?

oh fuck, man,
kanye west -

oh no, oh shit, man...
okay look it wasn't me -

i didn't really start the
fishstick thing, alright ?

you just sayin' that now
'cuz you're scared !

no man, it's
true, i stole it, man !

i took credit for it 'cuz
i'm not actually funny !

come on man, do you know
what that's like ?

being a comedian but
not being funny ?

come on, kanye,
i just take jokes

and re-package them with
a mexican accent man.

you think you can
make fun of me ?

i'm a genius !

i'm the voice
of a generation !

what are you !?

nothing !

look at me man...

i'm not funny, i steal jokes,
my dick don't work, man...

i got to piss in a plastic bag,
man, i got no dick !

i'm not gonna
hurt you.

i pay people
to do that for me.

oh shit, oh no man,
come on i got no dick man-

ahhh ahh !

( sobbing )

now, explain
it to me.

why do people think
i'm a gay fish ?

'cuz... 'cuz you like
fishsticks, man.

come on, man...
don't you get it ?

please...
just get it man...

why- look at me
look at me !

i love fishsticks...

i love putting
fishsticks in my mouth.

you're, you're
a gay fish, man.

thank you,
thank you very much !

well, about a week ago

our country was blessed
with the fishsticks joke.

and ever since then,
us comedians

have been kicking ourselves
for not thinking of it !

but today, we have with us
the true creators

of the fishsticks joke-

please welcome the comedy team
of cartman and valmer !

hey guys !

hi ellen !

you guys like
fishsticks ?

thank you, thank you
no really, thank you.

so guys i gotta ask,

how did you come up
with this incredible joke ?

it was just-

ellen, comedy is like a game
of racquetball, you know ?

you serve, and the other
person hits it back.

it bounces off the wall-
you backhand it.

and it goes back and forth
and back and forth !

then hopefully, you've
got a good joke.

thank you.

but guys, this joke
is so... perfect.

can you explain how nobody
thought of it before ?

well ellen, the t-t-t-

truth of the matter is

that there's never really
been a team like us before.

i mean, let's be
perfectly honest

a lot of people wouldn't
work with someone

who was disabled,
but i see past that.

i look beyond jimmy's
disabilities and find a bond-

which can unite us
in comedy.

working with crippled people
is really important.

that's so great...
and are you crying jimmy ?

yes ma'am.

oh don't cry pal, you're
gonna get me started.

anyway, what was important
for us, as a team, ellen

was to make sure that
everyone knew that

we came up with the joke,

and not
carlos-butthole-mencia.

i see, and did you know
that carlos mencia

was found dead in
his house this morning

with fishsticks stuffed
down his open neck hole ?

uhhh... excuse me ?

get my jet ready !

looks like we got
another inning to play.

alright so check it out,

we've got offers from
van de camps

and gorton's fishermen,
to do commercials !

it's always been my dream
to go on a national tv show

and talk about
the craft of comedy.

yeah, that was
cool, huh ?

eric, there's something
i really need to know.

what's that ?

how do you live
with yourself ?

you know you had nothing to do
with the fishsticks joke -

but you just
keep pretending.

how do you look at yourself
in the fucking mirror ?

that's what
i want to know !

so...
here it is.

how do you take credit for
something you didn't do ?

that is bullcrap jimmy
and you know it !

i had just as much to do
with the fishsticks joke

as you did !

dude, it's puff daddy !

tie up these
motherfuckers !

now, i'm gonna ask you
motherfuckers one more time.

why did you start
these rumors about me ?

please, i wasn't starting
rumors about you.

i don't even know
who you are !

oh right, everyone
knows who i am !

i want to know
how this got started.

well, we were just talking
about ideas for jokes and-

oh so now it's we,
huh, jimmy ?

a minute ago you said
you did it all yourself !

well, i just a bu- i bu-

uh bubbu bubbu
a-bubbu !

we both came up
with it together.

you wanna know
how it happened ?

hello, jim.

oh boy, it's my
best pal eric !

what you up to ?

i'm trying
to write jokes

but i'm not as funny
as you, so it's tough.

well, maybe
i can help you.

we can team up !

really ?

wow, you would help me
even though i'm crippled.

you are caring
and not fat.

now let's see,
how about a joke

that has something
to do with fishsticks.

you know,
'cuz fishsticks

sounds like
fish dicks, jimmy.

eric cartman,
you are handsome

and not even
remotely fat.

thanks- so what
i'm thinking is,

do you like fishsticks
in your mouth ?

what was that ?

eric, eric you
have to save us !

an entire army of
jew robots !

( screaming )

oh my god, what are
jew bots doing here ?

flame on !

flame off !

you saved everyone from
the jewbots, cartman !

c'mon jimmy, we gotta go back
and finish that joke !

"...like fishsticks
in your mouth ?"

"what are you
a gay fish ?" -there !

wow eric, incredible !

too bad i'm a dick and
i'm gonna take all the credit.

s-s-suck it, bitch.

aw, dammit.

i guess it really was
all me who came up with it.

what ? !

you gotta let jimmy go,
it's all my fault.

jesus eric...

he's gonna kill you.

you won't even admit
it was just me

knowing you're
gonna die ?

jimmy, you really believe
that you came up with it

all on your own ?

oh my god, wait...
i totally get it now !

what, i still don't
get anything !

all this time i've been
mad at you jimmy

for trying to take
all the credit.

but now i realize it's
just that your ego

has made you believe things
happened differently.

that's what kyle was
trying to tell me.

that you have
such a huge ego

you do these
mental gymnastics

to make yourself
a part of things.

r-really ?

i thought you were
just trying to

jew me out of
my part of the credit

but now i realize
that some people

just have egos that
are so out of whack-

that no matter what
people tell them,

they can't accept the
truth of who they are.

jimmy, i owe you
an apology.

i realize now you
can't help believing

you created
the entire joke,

because your ego won't
let you think otherwise.

i just have to
accept that.

thanks, eric,

for being so
understanding.

he's right...

for so long i've
considered myself

god's gift to the world

that i couldn't take it
when people made fun of me.

but they weren't
making fun of me...

they were trying
to help me.

boys, i understand
what you did now.

untie them guys...
i know what i have to do.

yo' kanye,
you sure about this ?

it's time for me
to stop running.

i need to believe
what people tell me.

let all my fans know
i love 'em

but a gay fish
just can't live

in the outside world forever.

don't be sad
for me, guys--

i'm going home !

uh - c'mon !

* i been so lonely, girl
i've been so sad and down *

* i couldn't understand
why haters joked around *

* i wanted to be free
with other creatures like me *

* and now i got my wish

* 'cause i know that
i'm a gay fish *

gay fish, yo'

i'm a fish, yo'

* it's alright, girl

* makin' love to other
gay fish *

* all those lonely nights
at the grocery store *

* in the frozen fish aisle
feelin' like a whore *

* 'cause i wasn't bein' true
y'know everyone said *

* that i have to
make a switch *

* now i know
that i'm a gay fish *

gay fish, yo'

i'm a fish, yo'

* now i'm where
i belong, girl *

* makin' love
to other gay fish *