South Park (1997–…): Season 13, Episode 3 - Margaritaville - full transcript

In a parody of the final weeks of Christ's life, South Park goes into hysterics over the failing economy, but Kyle begins preaching that there is no reason for fear. Meanwhile, Stan unsuccessfully tries to return his dad's margarita machine.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
COMEDY CENTRAL

♪ I'M GOING DOWN
TO SOUTH PARK ♪

♪ GONNA HAVE
MYSELF A TIME ♪

♪ FRIENDLY FACES
EVERYWHERE ♪

♪ HUMBLE FOLKS
WITHOUT TEMPTATION ♪

♪ GOING DOWN
TO SOUTH PARK ♪

♪ GONNA LEAVE MY
WOES BEHIND ♪

♪ AMPLE PARKING
DAY OR NIGHT ♪

♪ PEOPLE SPOUTING
"HOWDY NEIGHBOR" ♪

♪ HEADED ON UP
TO SOUTH PARK ♪

♪ GONNA SEE IF
I CAN'T UNWIND ♪



♪ ( MUMBLING )

♪ COME ON DOWN
TO SOUTH PARK ♪

♪ AND MEET SOME
FRIENDS OF MINE ♪

DO I REALLY HAVE TO
DO THIS, DAD ?

STAN, NOW MORE THAN EVER,

YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE
IMPORTANCE OF SAVING MONEY.

BUT GRANDMA SAID
I COULD USE THIS MONEY

TO BUY WHATEVER I WANT.

OKAY, NEXT PLEASE !

GO ON, STANLEY.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU,
YOUNG MAN ?

I GOT A $100 CHECK
FROM MY GRANDMA

AND MY DAD SAID
I NEED TO PUT IN THE BANK

SO IT CAN GROW OVER
THE YEARS.



WELL, THAT'S FANTASTIC.

A REALLY SMART DECISION,
YOUNG MAN.

WE CAN PUT THAT CHECK IN
A MONEY-MARKET MUTUAL FUND,

THEN WE'LL REINVEST
THE EARNINGS INTO

FOREIGN-CURRENCY ACCOUNTS

WITH COMPOUNDING INTEREST
AND IT'S GONE !

UH, WHAT ?

IT'S GONE,
IT'S ALL GONE.

WHAT'S ALL GONE ?

THE MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT,
IT DIDN'T DO TOO WELL.

IT'S GONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?
I HAVE $100.

NOT ANYMORE
YOU DON'T-- POOF.

WELL, WHAT CAN I DO
TO GET BACK MY--

I'M SORRY, SIR,
BUT THIS LINE IS FOR

BANK MEMBERS ONLY.

I JUST OPENED
AN ACCOUNT !

DO YOU HAVE ANY MONEY
INVESTED WITH THIS BANK ?

NO, YOU JUST LOST IT ALL.

THEN PLEASE STAND ASIDE

FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY
HAVE MONEY WITH US.

NEXT PLEASE !

HEY !

HELLO, MRS. FARNICKLE,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY ?

MAKING A DEPOSIT ARE WE ?

GREAT, WE CAN JUST PUT THAT
INTO YOUR RETIREMENT ACCOUNT

AND MAKE IT GO TO WORK
FOR YOU AND IT'S GONE.

WHAT ?

SORRY, YEAH, THAT'S GONE.

PLEASE STEP ASIDE FOR
PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY

HAVE MONEY
WITH THE BANK.

NEXT PLEASE.
DAD !

HEY, I'M TRYING TO TEACH MY SON
THE IMPORTANCE OF SAVINGS !

YOU ALREADY
LOST HIS MONEY ?

OH, MR. MARSH,

DON'T WORRY, WE CAN JUST
TRANSFER MONEY

FROM YOUR ACCOUNT INTO
A PORTFOLIO WITH YOUR SON'S--

AAAAND IT'S GONE !

THIS LINE IS FOR PEOPLE WHO
HAVE MONEY WITH THE BANK ONLY.

PLEASE STEP ASIDE !

( ANNOUNCER )
THIS IS A 9 NEWS SPECIAL REPORT.

AN ECONOMIC CRISIS
HAS HIT SOUTH PARK

AND THE NATION
LIKE NEVER BEFORE.

ANOTHER SOUTH PARK BANK
HAS CLOSED DOWN,

LEAVING THOUSANDS
OF PEOPLE IN DEBT.

IT'S JUST CRAZY,
YOU KNOW ?

EVERYONE'S AFFECTED BY IT.

IT'S LIKE ALL
THE MONEY JUST VANISHED.

IT'S REALLY TERRIFYING.

WE'VE GOT NO MONEY TO
PAY OUR MORTGAGE NOW.

WE COULD VERY EASILY
LOSE OUR HOUSE.

HI, GRANDMA !

FIRST THE MONEY
STARTED GOIN'

AND NOW EVERYONE'S
GETTIN' LAID OFF WORK !

THEY TOOK OUR JOBS !

THEY TOOK OUR JOBS !

DERK ER DERRRRRR !

DEEERKERRDRRR !
DEEERKERRRRRRDRRRR !

JUST HOW FAR WILL
THE ECONOMY FALL ?

WE ASKED ECONOMIC REPORTER
DAN BANKS FOR HIS ASSESSMENT.

WE'LL HAVE THE REST OF DAN'S
INTERVIEW TONIGHT AT 10.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE,
EAT UP.

OH, JESUS CHRIST.

SLICED HOT DOGS
AND TOMATO SLICES ?!

YOU SAID WE HAD TO BE
CAREFUL WITH OUR MONEY.

I'VE GOT NOTHING FOR
A FOOD BUDGET !

MOM, DAD, HOW COME
THERE'S SUDDENLY NO MONEY ?

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED, SON.

SEE, THERE'S A BUNCH
OF IDIOTS OUT THERE

WHO WEREN'T HAPPY
WITH WHAT THEY HAD.

THEY WANTED A BIGGER HOUSE
AND MATERIALISTIC THINGS

THAT THEY DIDN'T EVEN NEED--

PEOPLE WITH NO MONEY WHO GOT
LOANS TO BUY FRIVOLOUS THINGS

THEY HAD NO BUSINESS BUYING.

AND THESE ASSHOLES JUST
BLINDLY STARTED BUYING

ANY STUPID THING
THAT LOOKED APPEALING

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT MONEY
WAS ENDLESS.

IT GOES BACK TO WHEN THE
GOVERNMENT HAD THE IDEA

THAT EVERYONE IN AMERICA
DESERVES TO OWN A HOUSE...

( MARGARITAVILLE WHIRRING )

SO WE HAVE PEOPLE HAVING A HARD
TIME PAYING THEIR LOANS,

MEANING LESS MONEY COMING IN.

AND THE IDIOTS COULDN'T
SEE THAT BY DOING

ALL THIS FRIVOLOUS SPENDING
THEY WERE MOCKING THE ECONOMY.

AND THEY MADE THE ECONOMY
VERY ANGRY.

WE'RE ALL FEELING
THE ECONOMY'S VENGEANCE

BECAUSE OF MATERIALISTIC
HEATHENS

WHO DID STUPID
THINGS WITH THEIR MONEY.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND, SON ?

YEAH, I THINK I GET IT.

AND SO WHY IS OUR
ECONOMY FAILING US ?

BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT
KEPT INTEREST RATES

TOO LOW FOR TOO LONG !

THE GOVERNMENT TOOK
OUR ECONOMY FOR GRANTED

AND NOW WE ARE ALL HERE
PAYING THE PRICE !

HOW LONG WILL WE SIT
AND WATCH OUR ECONOMY FALL...

... AND SO I SAY TO YOU,

DO NOT LISTEN TO
THE WALL STREET BROKERS,

FOR TH ARE THE ONES WHO PUT US
IN THIS SITUATION !

FAT CATS WITH CORPORATE GREED.

THEY ARE THE ONES WHO KNOWINGLY
DROVE US DOWN THIS PATHWAY...

( CARTMAN )
WHERE HAS ALL THE MONEY GONE ?

IT MUST HAVE
GONE SOMEWHERE.

THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS,
MY FRIENDS.

IT IS THE JEWS--

COVETOUS JEWS,
WHO HAVE TAKEN ALL OUR MONEY

AND HOARDED IT FOR
THEMSELVES,

HIDDEN ALL THE CASH
IN SOME... SECRET JEW CAVE

THAT THEY BUILT PROBABLY
BACK IN THE EARLY '60S.

IT IS THE JEWS, MY FRIENDS...

( RANDY )
NOW WE HEAR ALL DIFFERENT PEOPLE

CASTING ALL DIFFERENT
KINDS OF BLAME

FROM PERSON TO PERSON.

BUT THE FAULT LIES
IN ALL OF YOU.

YOU, WHO BOUGHT
THAT $300,000 HOUSE

WHEN YOU ONLY HAD 20,000
TO PUT DOWN.

YOU, WHO BOUGHT THAT THIRD CAR

EVEN THOUGH ONLY TWO PEOPLE
IN YOUR HOME DRIVE.

IT IS TIME TO
STOP POINTING FINGERS !

FINGER-POINTING GETS US
NOWHERE !

STEVE !

WE HAVE MOCKED OUR ECONOMY,

AND NOW THE ECONOMY HAS CAST
ITS VENGEANCE UPON US ALL.

HE'S RIGHT.

THIS IS THE FIRST GUY TO
ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE.

YEA, IT IS AN ANGRY
AND UNFORGIVING ECONOMY.

TO REPENT, WE MUST STOP
FRIVOLOUS SPENDING.

INSTEAD OF PAYING FOR
CABLE, LET US WATCH CLOUDS !

INSTEAD OF BUYING CLOTHES, WEAR
BUT SHEETS FROM THINE BEDS !

CUT SPENDING TO ONLY
THE BARE ESSENTIALS:

WATER AND BREAD
AND MARGARITAS, YEA.

HELLO, YOUNG MAN,
WELCOME TO SUR LA TABLE.

CAN I HELP YOU ?

YEAH, I WANNA RETURN THIS
MARGARITAVILLE

MY STUPID DAD BOUGHT.

OH, THAT'S ALL
WE GET ANYMORE, RETURNS.

COULD YOU PLEASE JUST PUT
THE RECEIPT HERE

ON THIS TABLE ?

SORRY, OUR COMPUTERS ARE
A LITTLE SLOW TODAY.

WE NEED A NEW
ETHERNET CABLE.

OH, I'M SORRY, SIR, I'D LIKE
TO GIVE YOU A REFUND

BUT I'M AFRAID
IT'S NOT DOABLE.

WHAT ?

I SAID I'M NOT ABLE, SIR.

YOU SEE, THIS MARGARITAVILLE
WAS PURCHASED

WITH A PAYMENT PLAN.
SO ?

WELL, AN OUTSIDE
FINANCING COMPANY

HANDLES THOSE PAYMENT PLANS.

CUSTOMERS JUST PAY
FOR SOME OF THE MACHINE

AND THE FINANCE COMPANY
PAYS FOR THE REST.

WELL, CAN'T I JUST RETURN IT
AND GET THE MONEY

MY DAD PUT IN BACK ?

HMM... THAT'S IMPROBABLE
BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

I'M NOT REALLY
SURE HOW IT WORKS.

YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK WITH
THE PEOPLE AT THE TOP.

I CAN GIVE YOU
THE FINANCE COMPANY'S ADDRESS

IF THAT'S AGREEABLE
WITH YOU.

WE HAVE BECOME LOVERS
OF PLEASURE

RATHER THAN
LOVERS OF THE ECONOMY.

THERE ARE THOSE WHO WILL
SAY THAT THE ECONOMY

HAS FORSAKEN US.

NAY, YOU HATH FORSAKEN
THE ECONOMY !

AND NOW YOU KNOW
THE ECONOMY'S WRATH.

OH, THOUST CAN SHOP IN
A SPORTING-GOODS STORE

BUT KNOWEST THOU THAT
THE ECONOMY WILL TAKE AWAY

THY BRONCOS CAP FROM
THINE HEAD.

YOU MOCKED
THE ECONOMY WITHOUT FEAR.

THINE OWN STOCK BROKERS

NOW LIE DEAD
BY THEIR OWN HAND.

AND THOU KNOWEST THAT
THY STOCK BROKER

DID NOT FEAR THE ECONOMY !

WELL, HERE WE
ARE, MY FRIENDS.

YOU HAVE BROUGHT THE ECONOMY'S
VENGEANCE UPON YOURSELVES.

WHAT CAN WE DO, RANDY ?

YES, TELL US !
TELL US, WHAT TO DO ?

TELL US, RANDY,
WHAT WE SHOULD DO !
WHAT DO WE DO, RANDY ?!

WE MUST ALL WEAR SHEETS
INSTEAD OF BUYING CLOTHES

THAT NEED DETERGENT.

INSTEAD OF CARS THAT
TAKE GASOLINE,

WE CAN GET AROUND ON
LLAMAS FROM DRAKE'S FARM !

INSTEAD OF VIDEO GAMES THAT
TAKE BATTERIES AND SOFTWARE

OUR KIDS WILL PLAY
WITH SQUIRRELS !

WE MUST LET THE ECONOMY KNOW

THAT WE ARE CAPABLE OF
RESPECTING IT !

NO MORE NEEDLESS SPENDING !

( CHEERING )

THE ECONOMY
IS OUR SHEPHERD.

WE SHALL NOT WANT.

( CHEERING )

MORNIN', TED.

MORNIN', AL.

WELL, THIS SUCKS.

SURE WAS BETTER WHEN OUR
PARENTS WERE BUYING US STUFF.

HEGHGH !

OF ALL THE TIMES FOR
PEOPLE TO DECIDE

TO STOP BUYING THINGS,

IT HAD TO BE
THE WEEK THAT

GRAND THEFT AUTO 4 COMES OUT
FOR NINTENDO DS !

HEGHGH !

YOU WANT SOMETHING NEW
EVERY WEEK, FAT ASS.

DON'T YOU FRATERNIZE ME !

THIS IS ALL YOUR
FAULT, YOU KNOW !

MY FAULT ?!

THE JEWS TOOK ALL
THE MONEY AWAY AND THEY--

DON'T EVEN START !
DON'T EVEN START, CARTMAN !

WELL, WHY ARE WE WEARING
BED SHEETS

AND PLAYING WITH
SQUIRRELS, KYLE ?

NOT BECAUSE OF
THE JEWS, BUTTERS !

WHO TOLD YOU THAT ?!

WELL, ERIC DID.

JUST TELL US WHERE
THE CAVE IS, KYLE.

NOW, LOOK... THE REASON WE'RE
IN THIS SITUATION

IS BECAUSE PEOPLE
ARE BEING STUPID !

THE ECONOMY ISN'T SOME
VENGEFUL BEING

THAT TAKES
THINGS AWAY FROM US !

THE ECONOMY IS JUST
MADE UP OF PEOPLE.

AND PEOPLE HAVE JUST
LOST THEIR FAITH IN IT !

WHAT PEOPLE REALLY SHOULD BE
DOING IS SPENDING MORE.

SPENDING IS FINE !

WE BEST SPEAK WITH
THE COUNCIL.

TELL THEM A YOUNG JEW

IS SPEAKING HERESY
TOWARDS THE ECONOMY.

CAN I HELP YOU ?

I WANNA RETURN THIS
MARGARITAVILLE.

OKAY, LET ME
SEND YOU INTO JOSH.

HEY, WELCOME TO
BIG ORANGE FINANCE COMPANY !

YEAH, HAVE A SEAT.

YOU WANT SOME
CARMEX ?

NO THANKS.

I WANNA RETURN THIS
MARGARITAVILLE

AND THE GUY AT
SUR LA TABLE SAID

THAT YOU'RE THE COMPANY
THAT FINANCED IT.

OOH, YEAH,
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT,

NO... YEAH...

WHAT ?

YEAH, WE CAN'T GIVE YOU YOUR
MONEY BACK FOR THAT,

YEAH, NO.

YOU'D HAVE TO TALK TO THE
PEOPLE ON WALL STREET, YEAH.

WALL STREET ?

YEAH, NO, SEE,
WHAT I DO IS FIND AMERICANS

WHO WANT A FROZEN-BEVERAGE
MACHINE

BUT CAN'T AFFORD ONE

AND I HOOK THEM UP WITH
INVESTORS WHO WANT TO

GET INTO THE MARGARITAVILLE
PAYMENT-PLAN BUSINESS, YEAH.

SO ?

YEAH, SO THE PROBLEM IS YOUR
MARGARITAVILLE PAYMENT PLAN

HAS BEEN COMBINED
WITH THOUSANDS OF OTHERS

INTO ONE BIG MARGARITAVILLE
SECURITY, YEAH, NO.

YEAH, NO... YEAH.

( SIGHING )

THE ENTIRE TOWN HAS GIVEN OVER
TO YOUR WAYS, MR. CHAIRMAN.

EVERYONE HAS EVEN
STOPPED USING ELECTRICITY

SO AS TO STOP PAYING
ELECTRICAL BILLS.

YOU'VE REALLY DONE AN
AMAZING THING, MR. MARSH.

PEOPLE HAVE LEARNED TO
HOLD ON TO THEIR MONEY

SO AS NOT TO
FEEL THE STING

OF THE ECONOMY'S
MIGHTY SWORD.

I AM PRETTY SMART, YEA.

BUT I HAVE ASSEMBLED THIS
ECONOMIC COMMITTEE

TO MAKE SURE THAT
EVERYONE STICKS TO MY NEW PLAN.

WE'VE GOT GUARDS POSTED
AT THE MALLS

TO MAKE SURE NOBODY GETS
TEMPTED TO BUY DUMB STUFF.

AND PAT SALTZMAN IS DOING
HOUSE CHECKS TO MAKE SURE

NOBODY'S ORDERING ANYTHING
STUPID ON-LINE.

THEN PERHAPS SOON OUR
ECONOMY WILL RETURN TO US.

COUNCIL, I BRING NEWS
OF DISCORD !

A YOUNG JEW WAS
IN THE TOWN SQUARE

SPEAKING BLASPHEMY
ABOUT THE ECONOMY.

WHAT ?

HE WAS SAYING THAT
YOUR IDEAS ARE FALSE

AND THE ECONOMY IS NOT
VENGEFUL !

HE WAS RALLYING
PEOPLE TO SPEND MORE !

SPEND MORE ?

WHAT MOCKERY IS THIS ?

RELAX, FATHER MAXI.

WHAT HARM CAN ONE JEW
DO AGAINST OUR

ECONOMIC RECOVERY MOVEMENT ?

I HAD A DREAM
LAST NIGHT.

I WAS IN A FIELD,

AND I HAD GRAND THEFT AUTO:
CHINATOWN WARS

RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

BUT THEN
THE SKY WENT BLACK

AND GRAND THEFT AUTO:
CHINATOWN WARS

JUST MELTED IN MY HANDS.

( SOBBING )

WHAT'S THAT ?

EXCUSE ME, WE NEED TO
BORROW YOUR SQUIRRELS !

WHAT ?

( MR. GARRISON )
NO, PLEASE, PLEASE !

YOU HAVE SINNED !

OH, JESUS,
I'M SORRY, PLEASE !

WHAT'S GOING ON ?

GARRISON, YOU HAVE BROUGHT
YOUR FILTH TO THIS TOWN

FOR THE LAST TIME !

WHAT DID HE DO ?

YOUR TEACHER WAS CAUGHT BUYING
A KITCHENAID STAND MIXER

AT BED BATH & BEYOND.

TAKE THY PUNISHMENT,
HEATHEN !

AHGHGHGGHGH !

HEY, HEY,
STOP IT, STOP !

MOVE ASIDE, KID, HE MUST
PAY FOR HIS STAND MIXER !

COME ON, THIS IS
RIDICULOUS !

WHAT'S RIDICULOUS
ABOUT HUCKING SQUIRRELS

AT A MAN WHO HAS ANGERED
THE ECONOMY ?

JUST HAVE A LITTLE
COMPASSION, HUH ?!

I MEAN, EVERYONE'S GONE OUT
AND BOUGHT SOMETHING STUPID.

IT'S NOT SO BAD.

WHICHEVER OF YOU GUYS
HAS NEVER

BOUGHT ANYTHING FRIVOLOUS

GO AHEAD AND HUCK
THE NEXT SQUIRREL.

UGH !

( BELL DINGING )

EXCUSE ME ?

EXCUSE ME ?!

I'D LIKE TO RETURN THIS
MARGARITAVILLE PLEASE.

MARGARITAVILLE ?

MY DAD BOUGHT IT
ON A PAYMENT PLAN

THAT WAS SET UP BY
A FINANCE COMPANY

WHICH GOT THEIR PRINCIPAL
INVESTORS FROM SOMEBODY HERE.

OH, THAT MAKES SENSE.

IT DOES ?

YOU SEE, SON, WE LUMPED
THOUSANDS OF THESE

MARGARITAVILLE
INSTALLMENT PLANS TOGETHER

INTO MARGARITAVILLE-BASED
SECURITIES,

THEN CHOPPED THOSE
SECURITIES UP IN A WAY

THAT WE COULD SELL
THEM TO BANKS.

SO I CAN RETURN IT
TO A BANK ?

NOPE.

BECAUSE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
LIKE YOU ARE DEFAULTING

ON THEIR MARGARITAVILLES
SO THE GOVERNMENT HAD TO BUY

THE MARGARITAVILLE ASSETS
FROM THE BANKS.

WHAT ?!

JUST TALK TO THE TREASURY
DEPARTMENT IN DC.

THEY'RE THE ONES WHO REALLY
UNDERSTAND HOW ALL THIS WORKS.

OH, SELL, SELL, SELL, SELL,
SELL, SELL, SELL !

AGH !

LISTEN, THIS IS
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.

THE ECONOMY IS NOT
A SUPERNATURAL,

ALL-KNOWING ENTITY.

THE ECONOMY IS JUST AN IDEA
MADE UP BY PEOPLE

THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO.

THE ECONOMY
IS NOT REAL

AND YET IT IS REAL.

NOWADAYS THEY'LL
GIVE CREDIT CARDS

TO PRACTICALLY ANYONE WHO
APPLIES FOR THEM.

I APPLIED FOR THIS
YESTERDAY TO PROVE A POINT.

IT IS AN AMERICAN EXPRESS
PLATINUM CARD.

IT HAS NO SPENDING LIMIT.

( GASPING )

DO NOT BE AFRAID.

THIS IS ONLY PLASTIC.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING
MADE UP BY PEOPLE.

TRULY MEANINGLESS UNTIL
WE PUT OUR FAITH IN IT.

FAITH IS WHAT MAKES
AN ECONOMY EXIST.

WITHOUT FAITH...

IT IS ONLY PLASTIC CARDS
AND PAPER MONEY.

BY ALL REPORTS...

THE YOUNG JEW
IS NOT LETTING UP.

HE IS STILL GOING AROUND
CONVINCING PEOPLE

TO HAVE FAITH IN
THE ECONOMY BY SHOPPING.

WE'VE DONE EVERYTHING WE CAN

AND YET THE ECONOMY
HAS NOT IMPROVED.

WORSE, IT HAS DECLINED.

POOR BART HERE JUST
LOST HIS JOB

AT LITTLE CAESARS PIZZA.

OUR TIRELESS WORK IS OBVIOUSLY
BEING UNDERMINED

BY THIS ONE JEW.

WHY DOES HE GO AROUND
PRETENDING TO KNOW

THE TRUE WILL
OF THE ECONOMY ?

PERHAPS, HE IS THE ECONOMY'S
ONLY SON, SENT TO SAVE US.

ARE YOU RETARDED,
STOTCH ?!

THE ECONOMY IS OMNIPOTENT,

WHICH MEANS IT
CAN DO ANYTHING.

SO SAYING IT WOULD BE
LIMITED TO ONE SON

IS FUCKING STUPID !

THAT IS STUPID, YEA.

AND GOING AROUND TELLING PEOPLE
TO SHOP IS DANGEROUS.

WELL, THEN THERE'S
ONLY ONE OPTION.

WE HAVE TO
KILL THE JEW.

YEP, I THINK WE GOTTA
KILL THE JEW.

I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S GOT A LOT
OF SUPPORT.

IT MIGHT BE HARD TO
EVEN CATCH THIS JEW.

( HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING )

DID SOMEBODY SAY
CATCH A JEW ?

THE PERSON YOU'RE
AFTER MIGHT BE HARD GET

BUT I CAN BRING HIM
TO YOU.

AND ALL I WANT IN RETURN

IS GRAND THEFT AUTO:
CHINATOWN WARS

FOR HAND-HELD NINTENDO DS.

UH, HOW CAN WE HELP YOU,
YOUNG MAN ?

I WANT TO RETURN
THIS MARGARITAVILLE !

MY DAD BOUGHT IT ON
A PAYMENT PLAN

SET UP BY A FINANCE COMPANY
THAT GOT INVESTORS FROM
WALL STREET

WHO COMBINED IT INTO
SECURITIES SOLD TO BANKS

WHO TRANSFERRED
IT TO YOU !

OH, THAT MAKES SENSE.

AHGHGH !

NO PROBLEM.

WE JUST NEED TO CONSULT
THE CHART.

WE CAN DETERMINE
YOUR PROPERTY'S VALUE

AND WE'LL BE DONE.

REALLY ?

THANK YOU.

BE RIGHT BACK.

( SCREECH & THUMP )

EXCELLENT NEWS, SIR.

WE'VE DETERMINED
THE INVESTMENT VALUE

OF YOUR MARGARITAVILLE
TO BE $90 TRILLION.

WHAT ?!

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER,
KYLE ?

YOU SEEM B-B-BUMMED OUT.

I JUST HAVE A FEELING
THIS MIGHT BE THE LAST TIME

WE GET TO DO THIS.

WELL, DON'T WORRY, KYLE.

WE'RE NOT GONNA LET
PEOPLE KILL YOU.

WE'LL KEEP YOU
HIDDEN FOREVER !

I CAN'T JUST HIDE
MY WHOLE LIFE, BUTTERS.

AND BESIDES, I HAVE THIS
STRANGE FEELING

THAT ONE OF YOU IS
GONNA TOTALLY BETRAY ME.

( ALL GASPING )

ALL RIGHT, WHOEVER IS THINKING
OF BETRAYING KYLE,

THAT IS NOT COOL.

THAT'S FREAKIN'
LAME, DUDE.

KYLE'S TRYING TO GET
THE ECONOMY GOING AGAIN.

IF SOMEBODY'S THINKING OF
STABBING HIM IN THE BACK,

YOU'RE BEING A DICK.

( CLEARING THROAT )

GO AHEAD, KYLE.

WHOEVER IT MIGHT
HAPPEN TO BE...

I'M NOT GIVING
HIM THE OPPORTUNITY.

TOMORROW I'M GOING TO
DO SOMETHING.

SOMETHING I'VE
KNOWN I WOULD HAVE TO DO

TO RESTORE PEOPLE'S FAITH.

KYLE, PLEASE,
FOR F-F-F-FUCK'S SAKE,

DON'T DO ANYTHING DRASTIC.

THERE'S NO CHOICE
ANY MORE, GUYS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'VE BEEN PREPARING FOR
THIS FOR A WHILE NOW.

NO, NO, NO, NO,
EXCUSE ME !

I DON'T UNDERSTAND !

HOW CAN THIS STUPID THING
BE WORTH $90 TRILLION ?!

WHAT, YOU THINK
IT'S WORTH MORE ?

NO, DUDE, THAT DOESN'T
MAKE SENSE !

WELL, YOU DON'T GET
$90 TRILLION

BUT THE CHART SAYS
THAT'S WHAT IT'S WORTH.

UH-OH, PROBLEM !
PROBLEM AGAIN !

WHAT IS IT NOW ?

ANOTHER INSURANCE COMPANY
IS ABOUT TO GO UNDER.

IF THEY DO, PEOPLE
COULD LOSE MILLIONS.

OKAY, NO PROBLEM, WE BETTER
CONSULT THE CHART !

SIRS, ANOTHER INSURANCE
COMPANY IS GOING UNDER !

NOW DETERMINING MOST PRUDENT
MOVE FOR INSURANCE COMPANY !

( CLUCKING )

( KAZOO PLAYING )

( DINGING )

BAILOUT !

THE MOST PRUDENT MOVE
IS A BAILOUT !

BAILOUT THE INSURANCE
COMPANY !

IT'S A MIRACLE.

WHY WOULD SOMEONE
DO THIS ?

WHAT IS THIS ?
WHAT IS GOING ON ?

THERE, LOOK.

IT'S THE JEW.

SOMEHOW HE GOT A PLATINUM
AMEX WITH NO SPENDING LIMIT.

WHAT'S HE DOING ?

HE'S PAYING FOR
EVERYONE'S DEBTS.

HEY, THANKS, KID, THIS IS
REALLY NICE OF YOU.

BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

WHY WOULD HE
DO THIS ?

SO THAT PEOPLE
HAVE MONEY TO SPEND.

KYLE-- KYLE, YOU HAVE TO
STOP THIS !

IT'S OKAY, MA.

NO, KYLE, YOU'LL BE IN DEBT
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE !

PLEASE, SOMEBODY,
GET HIM TO STOP !

( GROANING )

UH, THERE'S ABOUT
$17,000 WORTH HERE.

( GROANING )

HE PAID FOR OUR DEBTS SO
WE COULD SPEND ONCE MORE.

HE'S DEAD.

NO, HE'S JUST PASSED OUT.

WE SHOULD GET HIM
TO BED.

( SOBBING )

FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN ALMOST A YEAR

THE ECONOMY IN SOUTH PARK
HAS TAKEN A SMALL

BUT NOTICEABLE UPTURN.

STORES AND SHOPPING MALLS
ARE OPEN AGAIN

AS NEWLY DEBT-FREE PEOPLE
FEEL SAFE TO MAKE PURCHASES.

WOW, THE NEW
MARGARITAVILLE !

WITH SALSA DISPENSER !

JUST POUR YOUR FAVORITE
SALSA IN THE TOP

AND IT COMES OUT
THE DISPENSER AT THE BOTTOM !

OH, WE NEED THIS !

ARE WE OUT OF
THE WOODS YET ?

ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

BUT WE MUST NOT FORGET
THE SACRIFICE ONE PERSON MADE

TO RESTORE OUR FAITH

AND MAKE US BELIEVE IN
THE ECONOMY ONCE AGAIN.

THE PERSON WE MUST THANK
EVERY DAY

FOR HIS AMAZING SACRIFICE--

BARACK OBAMA.

AW, COME ON !

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
COMEDY CENTRAL

CAPTIONED BY
SOUNDWRITERS*