South Park (1997–…): Season 12, Episode 9 - Breast Cancer Show Ever - full transcript

I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation

Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind

Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"

Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind

Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine

Okay, children, let's all take our seats.

Before we get started today,

Wendy Testaberger has asked
to share something with the class.

Wendy?

Thank you, Mr. Garrison.



Fellow students,
October is Awareness Month

for one of the leading causes
of death in women,

a terrible disease that takes the lives
of American women every day.

I'm talking, of course,
about breast cancer.

An estimated one in six women
will deal with cancer in their lifetime,

and breast cancer
is the most common...

- She said it again.
- Is there a problem?

Because breast cancer isn't funny.
Breast cancer is killing people!

Mr. Garrison, do we really need
all this potty talk in the classroom?

Eric, for the love of Jesus.

This is a serious issue, Eric.
What you're doing is very offensive.

Me? You're the one
talking about killer titties.

Watch out, guys.
Wendy says boobs can kill people.

Going to get you!
Going to get you, Wendy!



- I don't want to get killed by boobs.
- Will somebody do something?

Every week he gets worse
and nobody does anything.

Eric, stop being offensive.

I'm just trying to engage Wendy
in a constructive dialogue

about Breast Cancer Awareness,
Mr. Garrison.

- No, you aren't!
- Wendy, you need to calm down.

You're gonna get your boobs all angry

and they're going
to start killing everyone.

Dude, I'm on fire today!

Look out, everyone.
There's some killer titties on the loose.

Could have swore
I heard them coming through the roof.

Officer, we need to get an APB out
on those titties.

- They're armed and dangerous.
- What is your problem?

- Breast cancer isn't funny.
- Not at all.

Wendy, we're gonna get you, Wendy.
We're your boobs. We're gonna kill you.

You'd better shut up,
or I'll make you shut up.

Oh, really? What are you
gonna do about it, Wendy?

I'm gonna kick your ass,
that's what I'm gonna do.

- You're gonna kick my ass.
- That's right. I'm gonna kick your ass.

You want to throw down, dawg?
I'll throw down.

- You think you're tough?
- What's up? What's up?

- I'll smack the shit out of you!
- I'm standing right here. Let's go, bitch.

After school.
We fight after school, you got that?

- You're gonna fight me after school?
- That's right.

You're a chick, dude.

As soon as that bell rings,
we do it outside, you got that?

- And you better be there.
- It's on, bitch.

You're going to fucking die!

Wendy and Eric
are fighting after school!

Hey, everybody!

Wendy and Eric
are fighting after school!

- What?
- Wow.

Wendy and Cartman
are going to fight after school!

- Really?
- Wow.

Wendy and Cartman
are fighting after school.

- Yay!
- Yay!

Hey, Emo kids, Cartman and Wendy
are gonna fight after school.

Did she just call us Emos?

Jeez, I can't believe Wendy's
gonna fight you after school.

She is pissed off.

She's not gonna
show up to a fight, dawg.

I'm sure she's already trying
to figure a way to get out of it.

Hey, check it out.
She's totally staring you down.

She sure seems confident.

You should probably
go easy on her, dude.

You don't want to put her
in the hospital or anything.

Yeah, I'm just gonna teach her a lesson.
I'm not gonna totally kick her ass.

Can't go too easy on her, though.

God forbid she actually
gets in a good punch and beats you.

Yeah. If you got beat up by a girl,
everyone would think you were a faggot.

Wendy, could I talk to you for a second?

- What?
- Wendy, I want to apologise,

- And tell you that...
- What?

I want to apologise, and tell you
that I'm sorry for what I said, okay?

It was wrong of me, and I promise you
that it won't happen again.

I don't want to fight you after school,
all right?

So, I'm sorry.

If you're really sorry,
you can say it in front of everyone.

Actually, I was thinking,
let's just keep this between us.

I was wrong
to make fun of breast cancer,

and I'm very remorsefulness.

No. If you're really sorry
and you want to apologise to me,

then do it in front of everyone.

Apologise? That's not what I said,
you dumb bitch.

Yes, you did! You just stood there
and said you apologise

- And you don't want to fight!
- Wendy.

Such a desperate attempt
to get out of it.

These students
are a little too smart to see

you're just making excuses
not to fight me.

I don't want an excuse.

I'm going to beat
the fucking shit out of you!

That's funny.
You're going to die, you lezbo.

Wendy, seriously, though,
I do want to apologise.

I'm really sorry,
and I don't think we should fight.

Get away from me!

So, everyone's saying
there's gonna be a fight

between Eric Cartman
and your girlfriend.

I guess so.

And you're gonna just let that guy
beat up on your woman?

Doesn't that, like, go against
your jockey man code or something?

Yeah, I don't ever remember AC/DC
singing about letting dudes

- Beat up on their girlfriends.
- What am I supposed to do about it?

Don't worry, Stan. I don't think the fight's
even going to happen.

Cartman said that Wendy's
already begging him to call it off.

I'll bet she is.

I hope not. I want to see Eric
kick the crap out of her.

- Wendy. Wendy.
- What?

Real... Real quick. Just real quick.

Wendy, you're not gonna believe this.

I just found out
my mom has breast cancer.

Man, I sure got what was coming to me.

I was a real jerk and now they're gonna
cut off my mom's boobs.

You really think
that's going to work on me?

Wendy, I have here $27 in cash.
If you just call off the fight, then I...

You can't bribe your way out of this.

- Wendy, I have muscular dystrophy.
- No, you don't.

My mom has muscular dystrophy.
In her boobs.

You don't get it, asshole.

There is nothing you can do
to stop this fight.

I am going to wipe the playground
with you right in front of everyone.

I am going to shove your ass
down your throat

and make you eat your underwear.

- Eat my underwear?
- That's right.

Okay. Okay, Wendy.
I will eat my underwear.

Right here, right now.

Jesus Christ,
do you have no sense of self-respect?

No! Unless you want me to.

You want me to have self-respect,
then I will.

- You fucking suck so hard.
- I'll eat my underwear, Wendy,

and then you'll be satisfied.
We can put this whole thing behind us.

- What are you doing?
- I am committed to peace, Wendy.

I want you to see
just how humbled I am... How much...

Wendy... Look at me, Wendy.

- There. There.
- Oh, my God!

So, are we cool?

No!

I ate my underwear!
What the hell do you want from me?

You are so pathetic.

Wendy, it isn't fair!
I ate my underwear for you! No!

Yo, what's up, dawg?

- Stan, Stan! Dude, we need to talk.
- What?

You know, Wendy and I are supposed
to fight in, like, three hours.

- Yeah.
- Dude, aren't you worried?

Wendy's a girl. She could end up
getting really hurt, Stan.

You're my bro and she's your bitch.
I don't want to hurt my bro's bitch.

I can't do anything.
She really wants to fight you.

No, she doesn't.
She told me she doesn't want to fight.

She's just stuck, Stan,

because she knows
I'm going to kick her ass,

but she feels like if she doesn't fight me,
all the kids are gonna call her chicken.

- Really?
- You know what she did?

She apologised
and begged me not to fight her.

I said, "Well, Wendy, if you're so sorry,
then say it in front of everyone."

But she wouldn't.
That's how desperate she is.

Now you have to do something, Stan.
You have to be a fucking man

and forbid her from fighting
so she has a way...

That's where I put those.

Anyway, Stan,
you've got to put a stop to this fight.

- Wendy's stuck and she needs you.
- Dude, there's nothing I can do about it.

God, you are such a pussy, Stan!
You're such a pussy!

When I hurt Wendy,
it's going to be on your fucking head!

And so you see, at this point,

Euripides knew
he could not win the battle.

I am going to wipe the playground
with you right in front of everyone.

If you got beat up by a girl,
everyone would think you were a faggot.

All right, kids,
for your homework tonight,

I want you all to read chapter seven.

Kick the shit out of him, Wendy.

Soon as the bell rings,
we got to get out there

and find a good place to watch the fight.

There's no way out. She's gonna
kick my ass in front of everyone.

Almost time.

And be ready for a quiz
tomorrow morning.

I totally can't see the fight, dude.
I've got detention after school.

Detention. That's it!

I got to get detention, fast!

Eric, did you just take a crap
on my desk?

What's up? What's up?
I crapped on your desk, dawg.

What's up with that?

Welcome to detention, m'kay.

You are here until your parents come
and pick you up.

Use your time to study.

Sweet.

Eric. Hey, Eric.

Eric, what's going on?

Everyone's starting to say
you got detention on purpose

- To get out of fighting Wendy.
- What? That's ridiculous.

But some people think
you crapped on teacher's desk

- To get out of the fight.
- That's not why I did it.

Then why'd you crap
on Garrison's desk?

Because I'm hardcore. You know?
I'm anti-establishment.

That's how I roll, dawgs.
I do hardcore stuff like that.

That's what I said!
I told everyone outside,

"Cartman ain't scared of fighting Wendy.
He'd do it if he could."

Damn straight. I just got all punk rock
and got detention, you know?

- I'm just a bad dude.
- Okay, that's good,

because we moved the fight
to first thing in the morning tomorrow.

Before school starts.
Everyone's going to get there early.

That way it won't matter
if you get detention.

Eric, get your buns
back over here, m'kay.

Wendy said she'd be here
an hour before school starts.

See you in the morning, champ.

Tomorrow morning!
You fucking die tomorrow morning!

- Wendy!
- Yeah.

We need to talk to you. Right now.

Wendy, have you been
bullying kids at school?

What? No.

Well, do you want to explain
why this little boy's mother

had to come talk to us?

Did you tell this little boy
you were going to beat him up?

You don't understand.
He said horrible things!

The thing is, I totally said I was sorry,
but she still wants to beat me up.

Wendy, no matter what a person says,
you don't respond with violence.

Haven't we taught you that?

The thing is, Wendy,
I really think you're awesome,

and I know I'm just
a nerdy little weakling to you,

but I want to be your friend

because I don't have
that many friends at school.

Wendy, you tell this little boy
you aren't going to hurt him.

- Mom, you don't...
- Now, young lady!

I'm not going to hurt you.

If there is any word
of you fighting at school,

it is over for you, missy.
Do you understand?

- Yes, sir.
- We're so sorry about this, Ms. Cartman.

- No, thank you so much for your time.
- It really won't happen again.

You're very sweet. Thank you again.
Come on, muffin.

Okay, mommy. Momma, momma.

Man, it's almost time for school to start
and Wendy still isn't here.

Yeah, I don't know what's going on.
I mean, I showed up.

Where is she? How come Wendy's
not showing up for the fight?

Here she comes!

What's up, Wendy?
I thought we were meeting early to fight.

- You know I can't fight you.
- Why not? You chicken?

I can't fight you because you came
crying to my house last night

with your mom!

That's a doozy, Wendy. You come up
with that one on your own?

Yeah, did you come up
with that one on your own?

I ain't fronting, dawg. Let's do this.
Let's do it right now.

- Come on, Wendy, kick his ass.
- I can't!

- God damn it!
- She chickened out!

Told you guys.

I'm glad that's over with.

Yeah, guess you
dodged a bullet, Galahad.

I always knew deep down
that Wendy didn't have any balls.

And so we must all recycle. Every day.

Recycling is important
and it will save our planet Earth.

The end.

Very nice, Clyde. Okay, we have time
for one more report before recess.

Who'd like to go?

Okay, Eric.

Thank you. My report today
is on Breast Cancer Awareness.

I do not believe enough is being done.
And like the victims of breast cancer,

there's something
I'd like to get off my chest.

We all must fight,
and hopefully one day,

titty cancer will be a distant mammary.

You unbelievable bastard.
You beat me, but you won't stop.

What did the breast cancer
say to the Polish monkey?

Okay, Eric, that's enough, you smart-ass.

Why? Why are you doing this to me?
Why won't you just stop?

Wendy. Wendy!

Wendy Testaberger
to the principal's office, please.

Wendy Testaberger
to the principal's office.

God!

Wendy, I've been hearing rumours
about a fight

between you and Eric Cartman.

No, ma'am,
there isn't going to be a fight.

- No? Are you sure?
- Yes, ma'am.

I see.

I noticed all the things you've done
for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Did you know
I'm a breast cancer survivor?

- Ma'am?
- I was diagnosed seven years ago.

Cancer is pure evil. It is a fat little lump
that needs to be destroyed.

When there is a cancer,
you have to fight it.

You can't reason with cancer.
You can't wish it away.

Cancer doesn't play by the rules,
so neither can you.

My parents said that if I fight...

And you can't listen
to what anybody else tells you.

You have to be willing
to give up everything,

because the cancer will take everything.

Do you understand?

- Yes, ma'am.
- When you have cancer, you fight,

- Yes, ma'am.
- When you have cancer, you fight,

because it doesn't matter
if you beat it or not.

You refuse to let that fat little lump
make you feel powerless.

She's gonna fight!
Wendy's gonna fight Cartman right now!

What?

Go deep, Craig. Not that deep, retard!

She's coming. She's coming!

- Butters, get out of here.
- But Wendy's coming to fight you.

Boy, here we go.

It's about freaking time.

All right. Let's do it!

What's up? What's up?

Wendy, don't forget,
I'll tell my mom on you.

I don't care.

Recess is almost over,
I don't know if there's really time.

Shut up and fight.

All right, fine, Wendy!
I'll fight you, you big bully.

Fuck him up, Wendy!

Wendy?

I'm finished.

Hey, somebody call the principal!

You don't have to say anything.
I know how it is.

I'm no longer the cool kid.
Now you all think I'm a fag.

My school life is over 'cause now
all the guys don't think I'm cool.

Dude, we never thought you were cool.

That's not true. You're just saying that.

No, really.
We've always thought you suck.

Yeah, nothing's changed.

Our opinion of you
can't possibly go any lower.

You're all just saying that
to make me feel better.

- No, it's true. We've always hated you.
- Yeah.

Don't try and make me feel better,
you guys...

Wait. Wait a minute.

Why would you guys be saying stuff
to make me feel better?

Unless... Unless you do think I'm cool.

What?

If you're all trying
to make me feel better,

then you must still like me!

Here I've been so worried about
what you guys were going to think of me

getting beat up by a girl, and it turns out
you think I'm cool no matter what!

God, what a relief!

Yay!