South Park (1997–…): Season 12, Episode 8 - The China Probrem - full transcript

"The China Probrem"

Transcript: Arrow et mpm

Welcome to the televised broadcast

of the Olympic opening
ceremonies from Beijing!

Thousands of Chinese performers
play ancient Chinese drums.

The precision of their movements
made even more impressive

by their massive numbers.

No.

The Chinese, no!
Somebody has to stop them!

No, no.

Eric?



Sweetie, are you having nightmares
about the Chinese again?

They're gonna
take over the world!

Too many of them.

No!
Leave us alone!

Sweetiekins,
are you all right?

Mom, the Chinese
are gonna get me!

No, sweetie, the Chinese
aren't going to get you.

They are so!
There's 2 billion of them

and their economy is getting better
with their advances in technology,

they're going
to bring down America!

All right.
Guys, we need to talk.

You know,
we can all just pretend

that we didn't see
those opening ceremonies,

but the Chinese are very real.



We gotta do something.

Are we just going to pretend
America is going to be okay?

Are we just gonna wait
until they've taken over the world?

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I can't do this.
I'm not doing this.

Kyle, you're supposed to tell Cartman
he's being racist or something.

Yeah, he's an idiot,
but I'm sorry.

I just, I can't do this
anymore. Okay?

I can't do this anymore.

Kyle?

Kyle, you can't keep
doing this.

You know at some point,
you've got to let this go.

Maybe you can forget
what happened, but I can't.

Look, what happened,
happened.

We can't change it now.

- We all have to move on.
- Move on?

Our friend was raped, Stan.

He was raped and we all
stood there and did nothing.

There was nothing
we could do, Kyle.

There was nothing
we could do.

We had to get
out of there.

Did we?

Maybe we could have
stopped them.

How?

I dream about it
every night.

Every time I close my eyes,
I see us just running away.

Running while they rape him
over and over again.

And because we did nothing,
they got away.

You can't keep torturing yourself
like this, Kyle. Let it go.

I'm glad that you guys
can just keep living.

I don't think I can.

Goddammit.

I got some splish-splash.

Splish-splashy more.

- There you are, Butters!
- Eric?

- Butters, I need your help.
- Not now, Eric. I'm indecent!

The Chinese are going
to take us over, Butters!

And we are the only people
who seem to care.

The Chinese?

I handed out flyers,
called together meetings,

but it's like...

everyone's turning
a blind eye.

The Chinese are taking over the world
and nobody's doing anything.

It's up to
you and me, Butters.

We have to stop
the Chinese. Now!

I can't stop
the Chinese tonight, Eric.

I'm supposed to make
a model car with my dad.

You don't get it, Butters!
Our lives are about to change!

The Chinese outnumber us
a million to one.

And when their army gets here,
they're gonna kill your parents.

Why are they gonna
kill my parents?

Because the Chinese
hate Americans.

That's why I've started
the American Liberation Front.

A group dedicated to freeing
America from Chinese tyranny.

Will you join me?

I don't want
my parents to die.

So you'll join
the American Liberation Front?

- Well, sure!
- You and me,

we're going to be the brave little boys
who fought back, Butters.

We are not letting them
take over our country.

Fuck the Chinese.

Yeah, fuck 'em!

No. No.

No. No, we have
to stop them.

They're raping him.
Rape!

- Let's get out of here!
- We can't just leave!

- Come on!
- Oh, it's horrible!

- Oh, God!
- Somebody do something!

Why are they doing this?

They're just taking Indiana Jones
and they're, they're raping him!

I can't watch!
Let's get out of here, Kyle!

Why would Spielberg
and Lucas do this?

Come on.
Let's go!

- Why are they doing this?
- Just run!

Oh, God,
what have they done?

Why aliens? Aliens don't belong
in an Indiana Jones movie!

Come on, dude,
there's nothing we can do!

Why? Why?

- We can't help him now.
- I thought it was pretty good!

Let's just go!
Let's just go!

No!

No. No...

All right, Butters.
We're here.

- Are you ready?
- I'm scared.

But I know
my country needs me.

This is it, Butters.
We have to be strong.

We're taking down
those goddamn Chinese right now.

Things could get ugly
in there, Butters.

We've got to infiltrate and find out
the Chinese invasion plans.

But, Eric, why would the Chinese
tell us their invasion plans?

Because we're going to make them
think we're one of them.

Here, put these teeth in.

And just say "harro"
and "prease" a lot.

Oh, harro prease!
Bing bao ching chong!

Bing bing harro prease.

Welcome to P.F. Chang's.
I'll be right with you.

Eric, those people
aren't Chinese.

- Oh my God! Oh my God!
- What?

It's already started.

White people in here
working for the Chinese.

- Starving at their own country.
- Can I help you?

Oh, yes. Harro prease.
We are Chinese people.

Harro prease,
Bing bao ching ling.

Yeah. Why don't
I seat you over here?

Your waitress will be
right with you.

Ping po ching cho.

What the hell
is going on here?

We've got to sneak our way
into the back, Butters.

There they are!

Chinese people. There's
Chinese people right over there.

- You see them?
- Yeah.

Oh my God. The Chinese are here.

Okay, okay,
I'm freaked out.

- I'm freaking out.
- Stay calm, Eric.

They're right over there

and they're gonna screaming and
banging on those drums and they're--

Thank you, Butters.
All right.

We need to go
over there

and find out what we can
from those Commie rats.

- Harro prease. Harro.
- Harro, prease.

So nice to see
other Chinese peaparu.

As you can see,
we are Chinese peoparu ourselves.

- Bing bong bing bong.
- Ching cho fing fong.

Yes! Beaun bing ching.
Bing fong bing chong.

So what are the plans
to take over America again?

I forgot.

Jimmy...

I don't know
what to do about Kyle.

You know, I don't think
he's ever going to be the same.

And what about you, Stan?

We were all in
the theater that day.

We all saw it happen.

Well, I just try
not to think about it.

I thought I could
go on like before.

But after seeing
Indiana get raped...

After seeing Indiana get raped,
I know I'll never be the same.

Do you remember that scene
with Indiana in the refrigerator?

It didn't make any sense, Stan.

I don't need this now.

I just want things
to be the way they were!

You can't run
from it forever, Stan!

Sooner or later,

we all have
to face what we saw.

Indiana Jones, all right!

Hey there, Stan!
All set to see my new adventure?

You bet, Indiana!

Look out, Indy!

It's Steven Spielberg
and George Lucas!

Well, well,
hello there, Indiana.

You're looking good.

No. What are you doing
to do to him?

Indy!

Yeah, get his pants down.
Get his pants down.

Hold him, Lucas.
Come on.

He ain't going nowhere!

No, stop! Rape!

All right, Butters. I think we almost
got the Chinese to trust us.

Now as soon as they tell us
their invasion plan,

make a run
for that door, okay?

Okay, okay.

That's a good one,
pig ling.

So where were we?
Oh, yes, the invasion pwan!

Invasion pwan!

What day is American invasion again?
I forget!

Excuse me, miss?

Yes, sir?

These people
won't leave us alone.

No, no! It's okay.
We are Chinese perparu.

You aren't Chinese.

- Oh, my God!
- We're busted! What do we do?

- Okay, why don't we go...
- Stay back!

Nobody moves, you got that?
Don't touch us!

We know what
the Chinese are up to.

We saw the Olympic
opening ceremonies!

The gig is up!

Everyone just step over
to that wall. I mean it!

- Butters, hold this gun on them.
- A gun?

- Hold the gun on them, Butters!
- I don't want a gun, Eric!

They're taking over
our country, Butters!

This is life or death now!
Help me!

Oh, geez!

Everyone get up and get over
to that wall! Do it! Move!

We are
the American Liberation Front!

And you are all
going to pay

for betraying your country
to the Chinese.

This is stupid.
I'm leaving.

Nobody's going anywhere
until the police arrive!

Screw you.

- Shoot him, Butters!
- No!

You have
to shoot him, Butters!

He's gonna warn
all the Chinese

and they're gonna kill
your parents! Do it!

Do it!

Oh, dude, you shot him
in the dick.

That's not cool, Butters.
You don't shoot a guy in the dick.

Well, I was just trying
to stop him and you said--

It doesn't matter.

You never shoot
a guy in the dick.

Everyone knows that.

Shooting a guy in the dick?

That's just...
That's just weak.

I can't believe you,
Butters.

My name is Kyle Broflovski.

My friend was raped
last Memorial Day weekend.

And I...

I want to help prosecute
the men responsible.

You want to bring Steven Spielberg
and George Lucas

to trial for raping
Indiana Jones?

I know that
I'll have to testify.

That I'll have to relive
what I saw that day.

But I can't let Spielberg
and Lucas get away with it.

Not this time.

Even if I have
to do it alone.

You aren't alone.

Stan?

We'll all testify.

We can't let them
ever do this again.

- I love you.
- I love you too, Stan.

Kids, kids. I'm sorry,
but this is ridiculous.

- Why?
- You don't have a case here.

You can't really say
that Spielberg and Lucas

raped Indiana Jones
in the new film.

- Did you see it?
- Yes, I saw it, but I...

But I just try
not to think about it.

Then you saw what Lucas
and Spielberg did to him!

I don't know
what I saw!

All right, I mean,
it was dark in the theater.

I mean, maybe things got
a little out of hand with the plot,

- but the third act clipped along--
- Indy deserved more than that!

Get out!

Just get the hell
out of here!

Well, well, Indiana Jones.
You're looking nice.

There you go, Lucas.
Stick 'em.

He's gonna do it
right there.

All right.
All right, Georgie!

Grab his hands.

Hey, leave him alone!

Come on, big guy.

No, no.

Wait.

Wait, I--

I want to help!

Look, we don't know
what you're talking about.

There is no Chinese plan
to take over America.

Shut up!

These American traitors might have
bought your propaganda, but not us!

Oh, thank God.
The police are here! We're safe!

You with the gun, step out
or we will fire upon you.

No, you got it wrong.
We aren't the Chinese.

We're the good guys...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

- What?
- One of the cops is Chinese!

Son of a bitch,
how high up does this thing go?

We can't trust
anybody here, Butters!

Don't come any closer!
We have information

that we will only trust
with the President of the United States!

- The President?
- Come on men, we're going in!

Goddammit, we're serious.
We'll only talk to the President. Stop!

Fire, warning shot, Butters.

Dude, what the fuck
are you doing?

What?
What happened?

Goddammit Butters, what did I say
about shooting guys in the dick?

- Aw, I did it again?
- What the hell is wrong with you?

That is not cool, Butters.
That is not cool.

You don't fuckin'
do that.

- You don't shoot a guy in the dick.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

It's not okay.

Defeating the Chinese
won't mean anything

if we do it by going around
shooting people in the dick.

God... dammit.

It's all right there in front of you,
Detective.

Five sworn statements
from these...

brave boys.
It's now up to you.

Are you nuts?

I'm not going out and arresting
Steven Spielberg and George Lucas!

- But they raped Indiana Jones!
- I know it's hard to think about.

But you have to be strong.

Remember how
that movie made you feel.

I didn't see it!

You didn't see the new
Indiana Jones movie?

No!

I didn't think anybody here saw it!
Did you, Mitch?

Mitch?

Mitch?

Well, well,
Indiana Jones.

What you doing
in our neck of the woods?

Now let's you just
drop them pants.

- Drop?
- Just take 'em right off.

- What do you guys want?
- Don't say anything. Just do it.

Pull off that little ol' bitty...
shirt there, too.

Them panties,
take 'em off.

There boy.

I bet you can squeal.

I bet you can squeal
like a pig.

Go ahead, squeal.
Squeal now.

Squeal.

Squeal.

Squeal louder!

Louder! Louder!

Louder.
Get down there, boy.

Get them britches down.
Yes, sir. Come on, squeal.

It's okay.

You don't have
to feel alone anymore.

No, no,
you listen to me!

I have Chinese attackers here
and Chinese supporters.

If I go outside, there are more Chinese
ready to take me down.

Defending America is all
that matters, Mr. President.

And I will stop at nothing.

Do you understand
that I--

- What happened?
- They...

tried to come in through the roof.
They were gonna take the gun!

Good. Did you kill 'em?

Not exactly.

Oh, it stings.

It's not where I aimed,
honest!

Dude.

I seriously didn't mean it!

Dude!

You know what, Butters?
You know what?

Forget it.

Where you going, Eric?

You can deal with the Chinese
invasion yourself

if that's how
you're gonna do it, Butters.

I'm out, man.

By, by myself?

I didn't sign up for this.

You take your American Liberation Front
and you shove it up your ass!

That's it. Kill me.
Do whatever.

I can no longer
conscionably be

a part of
the American Liberation Front.

Go inside. Move!

George Lucas and Steven Spielberg,
we have a warrant for your arrest.

Break it in.

My God!

What the hell
are you doing here?

You got nothing on us!

$700 million box office!

This is bullshit!

- Boys, we got 'em.
- What?

Spielberg and Lucas.

They were raping a stormtrooper
when the police broke in.

And they found the dead raped bodies
of Yoda and Short Round in their closet.

They'll never be free
to do this again.

So what now?

Do you think things can ever
go back to normal after all this?

What do we do?

We live.

That's what Indy
would have wanted.

We just try to live.

Everyone just stay where you are
until we can sort this all out.

There's nothing to sort out!
These kids need to be put in jail!

We're going
to search everyone

- and get statements and then--
- Sir! Sir, it's over!

- They got 'em.
- Got who?

Spielberg and Lucas, they...

finally got 'em for what they did
to Indiana Jones, sir.

They got 'em.

- They got 'em. It's over.
- It's over.

That means they'll never
be free to rape again!

It's over!

Justice!

- They got 'em!
- It's over!

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

So wait. That's it?

What about
the Chinese invasion?

I really don't care
anymore, Butters.

You see,
I've learned something today.

As Americans, our fear of seeing
another country become powerful

can turn us into monsters.

Watching how crazy you went,
watching you just...

shoot people
in the dick like that.

It made me realize that I want
America to be safe,

but not at the cost
of losing its dignity.

I'd rather us be Chinese, than a nation
of unethical dick-shooters.

You think about it.

Can't believe
they put 'em in jail.

I thought that movie
was pretty good!