South Park (1997–…): Season 12, Episode 3 - Major Boobage - full transcript

South Park declares cats illegal after kids start getting high on cat urine. Cartman starts hiding neighborhood cats in his attic to protect them, and Kenny becomes an addict and starts having Heavy Metal (1981) hallucinations.

# I'm going down to South Park #

# Gonna have myself a time #

# Friendly faces everywhere #

# Humble folks without temptation #

# Going down to South Park #

# Gonna leave my woes behind #

# Ample parking day or night #

# People spouting "howdy neighbor" #

# Headed on up to South Park #

# Gonna see if I can't unwind #

# Come on down to South Park #



# And meet some friends of mine #

M'kay, kids, we have
something very serious

we need to discuss today, m'kay?

It appears that some kids in
school are getting high

by choking themselves.

Some kids call it
the "choking game," m'kay?

But choking
yourself is bad, m'kay?

Don't-don't do that, m'kay?

You can get high
from choking yourself?

Hrgggggg!

School children are
often experimenting with

dangerous ways to get high, m'kay,

like sniffing glue,

guzzling cough medicine,
huffing paint, m'kay?



But they're all bad, m'kay?

My cousins in Florida

said kids in their school
get high off of cat pee.

- Cat pee?
- That's not true.

You can't get high off of cat urine--
can you?

Well, it's not actually cat urine.

But male cats,
when they're marking their territory,

spray a concentrated urine

to fend off other male cats and...

And that can get you really high, m'kay?

Really, really high, m'kay?

Probably shouldn't have
told you that just now, m'kay.

That was probably bad.

Alright, this should
keep my cat in place

while he sprays the urine.

Meow.

Yes, poor Mr. Kitty,

are you just so upset right now?

Mrrrrrrrrr...

You guys are wasting your time.

Yeah, it's not gonna work.

Meow.

- Okay, you ready, Kenny?
- All set!

All right, bring out the other male cat.

Meow.

Ugh!

Whoa!

Do you feel anything?

Well, Kenny, are you buzzed?

# Drive it on up #

# Let's cruise awhile #

# Leave your troubles far behind #

# You can hedge your bet #

# On a clean Corvette #

# To get you there right on time #

# Now if you're ready to dive #

# Into overdrive #

# Baby the green lights are on #

# It's like you're running away #

# On some high octane #

# Every time she reaches for the goal #

# Won't you take that #

# Ride ride ride ride #

# On heavy metal #

# It's the only way
that you can travel... #

Wow, cool!
Check it out!

I see that you are enticed

by my daughter's awesome, rocking tits.

Yeah.

Then bathe with my daughter
in the Fountain of Varnoth.

Appease the gods by lathering
her boobs with soapy suds.

Okay!

Woo! Woo-hoo!

Kenny, Kenny, wake up!

Wake up, Kenny!
You all right?!

- Kenny!
- Wait!

Where'd she go?!

Dude, that cat urine
really fucked you up.

You were seriously tripping balls.

You fucking asshole!

Agh, Kenny, knock it off!
What's wrong with you?

- Why couldn't you leave me alone?!
- Agh, Kenny!

Dude, dude, Kenny, calm down!

Oh, I was so close!

You should have seen her titties!

What titties?

The titties on the girl--

they were incredible!

Kenny, all you did after
the cat peed in your face

was start running
around in circles, cheering.

Yeah, and then you
ran through town, screaming,

and started tearing off
all your clothes.

I almost...touched them.

Dude, I don't think we
should be messing around

with that crap anymore.

Next on Fox News--

it's the newest drug craze

and it's killing your kids!

Killing our kids?

All over America, kids are
getting high on cat urine.

Huffing cat urine apparently
causes a euphoric state

and is also referred to as "cheesing."

Why cheesing?

Because it's "fon to due."

This sixth-grade girl says
she's been snorting cat piss

for several months.

We sometimes sneak out during recess

and our friend named
goes and gets her cats

and we'll just cheese all day long.

Oh, my God!

Sheila, come look at this!

So how can you tell if your
child is cheesing?

You might also notice by certain phrases

your child says
to school friends, such as,

Kids are doing this?

Kids do it because it's legal.

What can you do before it's too late?

Meow.

We have to protect our
children from this, Sheila.

20% of American students
aged six to twelve

say they have tried
cheesing at least once.

Kids also refer to
it as "the cheese game"

or "vitamin cheese"

or "Mary Jane piss-in-your-face fun time."

Cheesing is spreading fast.

All right, we're all
sufficiently scared, Gerald,

but what can we do?

I have written up a bill

that would make having a cat illegal

in the city of South Park.

Gerald's right.

We all have to face it.

Cats are deadly animals.

If you stick your nose up their crotch

and snort their piss, they can kill you.

With my super lawyer powers,

we can rid our town of cats,

so that our kids
can never get high again.

Let's hear it for Gerald!

Hooray for Gerald!

Egh-egh...

Meow.

No, no!

Oh, waa-waa!

Get over it, druggie--
jeez.

Goodbye, Scrambles!

We'll miss you!

Got two here.

Hey, what the fuck are you doing?!

Sorry, these are illegal.

What?!

No, what are you doing?!

Hey, fuck you!

Look, I told you, I had a cat

but I had it put to sleep
because it pissed me off.

Shh.

Mr. Kitty, you have to
live in the attic for now.

Here... write a diary.

Guys, have you seen Kenny?

No, I think Kenny's out sick today.

Yeah, and he was
out sick yesterday too.

Guys...

I think Kenny isn't here

because he's at home, cheesing.

Aw, come on.

Kenny knows
how dangerous cheesing is.

Yeah, and where's he gonna
find cats anyway?

They've been outlawed.

Yeah, who has cats these days?

Ha-ha ha-ha
ha-ha-ha-ha.

Pot's illegal too,

but people still manage to find it.

Ever since that
first time Kenny cheesed,

he hasn't been the same.

You've all noticed the change in him.

I'll bet Kenny is home,
cheesing right now.

# It's your one-way ticket to midnight #

# Call it #

# Heavy metal #

# Higher than high feelin' just right #

# Call it #

# Heavy metal... #

Woooooo!

Woooooo!

- Haahah!
- Arhghgh!

Argh!

#... she's riding on a razor's edge #

# She holds her own against the boys #

# Cuts through the
crowd just like a wedge... #

Aghha!

# It's your one-way ticket to midnight #

# Call it #

# Heavy metal #

# Higher than high feelin' just right... #

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Kenny?

Kenny, you home?

Wahghggh!

Woo!

Erg-- wooooo-hooo!
Woo-hoo!

Meow!

Kenny?!

Woopidie-dooo!

Wahhhh!

Oh, boy, he's cheesed
out of his mind!

Woo-woo... ew...

- Kenny!
- Kenny!

There you go.

Try some coffee, Ken.

Ughgh... ughggh...

Kenny, we need to have a serious talk.

Ugh, no, we don't, guys.

Yes, we do.

We're your friends, dude.

We're not gonna
let you ruin your life.

I'm not ruining my life.

Will you guys just back the fuck off?

Look at yourself!

You've got to lay off the cheese!

Yeah, that's it, little buddy,

just let it out.

Kenny, I know we're super cool
and everything,

but if we ever catch you
cheesing again,

we're gonna tell on you.

Ugh, okay, okay,
I just want to sleep now.

Yeah, he needs some
sleepy night-night,

doesn't the buddy?

Meow.

We've gotta keep
this away from him.

Mr. Kitty!
Shh!

Damn it!

Shh-- Mr. Kitty, you have to be quiet

or else they're gonna find you.

Meow.

What?

Meow.

The neighbor cat--
he hasn't been caught yet.

Meow!

No, no, Mr. Kitty, I know you like Rufus

but he has to fend for himself.

Meow.

I can't hide any more cats, Mr. Kitty.

I'm in trouble enough as it is.

Meow, meow!

All right, all right, fine!

All right, come on, Rufus.

Quietly.

Meow.

Oh, Jesus, no.

No, I can't hide you all.

Meow?

I'm sorry, you'll just have to find
somewhere else to...

Well, I suppose I'll get
in just as much trouble

for four cats as for two.

Come on.

Huh?

Oh, my God!

Kyle?

Kyle, can we talk
to you for a minute, please?

Yeah?

Kyle, have you been getting high?

No.

Then why did your mother find this

in your dresser drawer?!

Meow.

All right, look, that isn't mine.

I'm just holding it for a friend.

Don't lie to us, Kyle!

How long have you
been on the cheese?!

Meow.

I'm not cheesing!

I've never cheesed once in my life!

Get up to your room right now

until your Mother and I

figure out how to deal with this!

Dad, will you just listen to
me for a second--

Now, Kyle!

God!

Gerald, what are we gonna do?

Our son is a cat-pee addict!

First thing is we've
gotta dispose of this.

What are you gonna do?

I better just take it down to the
basement for now--

Make sure Kyle can't find it.

No, no, what am I thinking?

I shouldn't do this.

I've been clean for ten years.

I haven't even been near a cat.

But then that report said our kids
were doing it too

and I knew Kyle would have
the same sickness as I use to have.

Now a cat is in our home

and it's too tempting!

Meow.

I... I'll just do it one more time,

one last time,

then I'll call the police,
have them pick up the cat...

Meow.

... and then I'll never do it again,

after this one...last...time.

# Drive it on up #

# Let's cruise awhile #

# Leave your troubles far behind #

# You can hedge your bet #

# On a clean Corvette... #

I couldn't stay away.

Curse your rockin' tits.

Who is it?

Please, open the door.

They say you're hiding cats.

Hiding cats?

That would be illegal.

You don't understand.

My little Nishka,
she has nowhere else to go.

Oh, no, no.

I cannot possibly take in another.

But they will find her.

I've already taken in the Andersons' cats

and the Wolitskys'.

There's simply nothing else I can...

Then again,

perhaps I could find space

for just this one more.

Oh, you show such
kindness in such darkest of times.

Oh... ohhh...

Agh, awahghgghhg...

What the hell?!

Wowoghghgh!

Kenny, get outta here!

Woo!
Woo-hooooooo!

Oh, crap!
Kenny!

Bad kitties.

Dad, somebody's at the front door!

Well, am I grounded or not?!

Fine!
I'll get it!

Dude, we've got a big problem.

Cartman says Kenny is
really messed up.

He's cheesing his
fucking balls off, dude.

What?

He apparently got to all the cats

Cartman's been hiding in his attic.

What are you doing with cats in
your attic, fat ass?!

They're innocent victims in this, Kyle!

They have to hide
or they'll be put to death--

something you just can't understand.

Come on, we gotta find
Kenny before he hurts himself.

I can't, my Dad grounded me!

Wait a minute, where is my Dad?

Hey, everybody!

Good to see ya again!

Hold!

You cannot yet caress my
daughter's awesome boobage.

How-how come?

There is another suitor.

What?

Get outta here, kid!

Dude, fuck you!
That's my girl!

You're too young for this stuff!

This must be decided at the Breastriary

in Nipopolis!

Now fight for the Locknar Trophy!

Yaaaahhhh!

Hoooooooo!

- Hoooooo!
- Yaaahhh!

- Agh!
- Agh!

- Hi-ya!
- Argh!

Argh!

- Argh!
- Ahh!

Dad?!

Dad, what the hell are you doing?

They been going at it
for a good 30 minutes.

She's mine, you little asshole!

Get the fuck off of me!

Gerald?!

The key proponent of the cat ban

has been charged with
cheesing in a public park.

Gerald Broflovski is prepared to
give a public statement.

I would like to address a personal matter.

I have let myself down

and I would first like to
apologize to my lovely wife...

Don't touch me.

... and to the people of South Park.

I was wrong,

and I can't let cats take the fall anymore.

It's our fault.

The people who use cats for
their sweet urine,

we have to learn that cheesing
just isn't worth it.

Sure you get to fight in the Breastriary

and swim in the Fountains of Varnoth

with the Itty-Titty Fairies of
Mammary Mountain...

What the hell is he talking about?

I have no idea.

... and then you fight the Boobgoblin

in the Gazangas Cave.

And then the girl may thank you for it.

But she isn't real.

And you never really get a good look

at her naked boobs anyway.

Problem is the more
you go into that world,

the more you need to go.

Until you start blowing off

all the real people who care about you.

Yeah, I guess so.

Cats aren't the problem.

We made cats illegal,

and then I cheesed for the first
time in ten years.

And kids are always gonna find

a new way to get high,

like sniffing glue or licking toads

or fermenting feces
or huffing paint.

You can also look at--

Okay, that's probably good, Gerald.

The point is, I was wrong.

It's time to legalize cats!

Yeah!

Hooray for Gerald!

Let's hear it for Gerald!

Scrambles, so good to have you back!

You ain't sore at us, are ya?

Agh, agh, agh!

Agh, get him off!

I'm sure glad that's over with.

Me too.

But, y'know, we've all
learned something, you guys.

We can never persecute living beings

and force them into hiding--
it's wrong.

And you don't see any
parallel between that

and anything else in history?

Mmm... nope.

I have no idea what you're
talking about, Kyle.

You guys, check it out!

It's Kenny.

Isn't that great?

He's just getting high on life.

Yeah.

Woo!

Hoo!

He's getting
really high on life.

Woo!

Woo, woo-hoo!

Dude, he's getting super wasted on life.

Kenny!

Wagh!
Hoo-hoo, woo!

What the hell kind of
flowers are those?!

Kenny, Kenny?!

# It's your one-way ticket to midnight #

# Call it #

# Heavy metal #

# Higher than high feelin' just right #

# Call it #

# Heavy metal... #

Woo-hoo-hoo!

#... call it #

# Heavy metal #

# Call it #

# Heavy metal #