South Park (1997–…): Season 12, Episode 11 - Pandemic 2: The Startling - full transcript

Craig and the boys are stranded in the Andes Mountains while giant guinea pigs wreak havoc all over the planet. Craig is the only person who can end the terror, but he doesn't care and won't do anything about it.

I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation

Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind

Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"

Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind

Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine

- What's going on, Dad?
- Mr. Marsh, you have to move, it isn't...

Oh, God!

I'm so startled.

My name is Craig Tucker.

Last week was my birthday.



My grandma gave me a cheque
for $100. I was so happy.

But then, four kids from school came
to my house and said

I should use my $100 to invest
in becoming a Peruvian flute band.

They promised I would double
my money in one afternoon.

But the government arrested us,

along with all the other
Peruvian flute bands,

and took us to an internment camp
in Miami.

We begged to go home.

But instead, the government told us
they were sending us to Peru.

And so that is why I am now in Peru.

If I die, let it be known that it is
because four guys I don't even like

from school lied to me
and took my birthday money.

We didn't lie, Craig!
It was a sweet idea!

Yeah, how were we supposed to know
that pan flute bands would be outlawed?



I don't get it. They said the military
would meet us here.

This is where they told us to land!
Can you get through to Washington?

- I'm trying.
- This is Carter in Washington!

Hey, Carter, the place that Homeland
Security told us to start the operation,

there's nobody here to meet us.
It's like they sent us to no man's land.

- Jesus, they're everywhere!
- What are everywhere?

So furry! They're attacking every city!

People dying!

Guinea pigs all over!

- Guinea pigs?
- Can't stop them. Need to get out.

I just ate a peanut.
Peanut now stuck in throat.

Shouldn't eat peanuts when scared.

I've got the video camera.
Got it turned on again. Okay.

This is Randy Marsh.
I'm shooting this video of myself.

Twenty minutes ago,
some huge creatures attacked our town.

It's still chaos out the window.

I barely made it back to the house.

Sharon is here with me, and there's
Shelly. Wave to the camera, Shelly.

Randy, will you put down the camera?
We need to figure out what to do!

I don't know what to do. I'm so startled.

We have to see
what the news is saying!

This is a shot of New York City,

where the giant guinea pigs
have also attacked.

Guinea pigs?

Reports of attacks are coming in
from major cities all over the world.

Jesus, this thing is worldwide?

Look at that thing!

Randy, what are we going to do?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Go, Randy, run!
- We gotta get out!

Michaels? Harrison? Anybody?

Nothing.
LSAT is down, and no answer at RCU.

Whatever is going on out there,
it's huge.

All right, just let me get this straight.

The Head of Homeland Security
ordered you to fly us,

five kids, to Peru,

but had you land way up in
the Andes Mountains of Peru

so that other government people
could meet us

and then somehow
tell us how to go to the capital of Peru

way over in Lima and
take down their government?

Yes, that was the order.

And that makes sense to you?

- Nope, not at all.
- Actually, the whole rounding up

of the pan flute bands didn't
make sense to any of us, either.

None of what that Homeland Security
guy does makes sense!

So could you just fly us home, please?

You don't understand. The plan was
to have a refuelling truck meet us here.

We don't have enough gas
to fly anyplace.

That's awesome.

So we've got to find
another way out of here.

It's starting to look that way, yeah.

This is fun. Let's walk for miles
through a spooky jungle.

It just keeps getting better and better.

You know, we're getting pretty sick
of your attitude, Craig.

Nobody likes hanging out with people
who complain all the time.

Look at that. No lights on, nothing.

It's like humans have never been
to this part of Peru.

More guinea pigs seem to be
moving in from all directions.

We checked on Wikipedia

and found out that guinea pigs
are from the Andes Mountains here.

What about the pan flute bands?

Are they on their way
to Guantanamo Bay?

Sir, we believe we have bigger problems
right now than pan flute bands.

Have they been loaded onto the boats
or not?

No, sir. We diverted all the resources
away from the pan flute bands

- To deal with the guinea pigs.
- That was an order!

The flute bands were to be put on boats
to Guantanamo last night!

I am still in charge here!

I want those pan flute bands
on the boats to Guantanamo!

Yes, sir! I don't see why
you have to yell at people.

Okay, we're down in Main Street now.
Look at that!

Where do we go, Randy?

We've got to get out of town.
Go through that way.

My arm! My arm!

- Jesus!
- Randy, run!

Run!

Okay, we're running now.

There's Sharon and Shelly running.
Wave to the camera, Shelly.

Dad!

In there! In there!

Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm so startled.
Are you startled, Sharon?

Randy, put down the...

It's gonna kill us!

Just stay down, Shelly!
It can't come in here!

Hold on, hold on,
I need to get a shot of it from outside.

Randy, where are you going?

Here we see a view
from outside the bus.

Randy!

What the hell are you doing?

I got a really good shot of it, Sharon.

I don't know, Lemsky. This entire area
of Peru isn't even charted on the maps.

This whole valley is strange.
Just look at the size of that fruit!

Ain't that a peach?

And how do you like them apples?

Take a look at this!

They look like beehive combs.

Oh, my God!

Dude, what is this place?

It's like an unknown valley that time
forgot where everything grows huge.

That's a shock.
I decided to follow you guys

and now I'm in
Land of the Giants/Lost World.

Craig, it isn't our fault!

You make it sound like we always
want to be in situations like this,

- But we don't have any choice!
- Yeah, stuff just happens.

- Stuff just happens?
- That's right!

You just wind up
being sent by the government

to take down the city of Lima,

only to wind up
in Land of the Giants/Lost World?

That's right.

You know what stuff happens
to most kids?

They fall off their bikes.
They get in fights with their parents.

They get swindled
out of their birthday money.

Look, wherever we are,
I think we better keep moving.

Stop it! Make it stop!

All right, all right. Here's Sharon
and Shelly on the roof of Best Buy.

We ran up here to get off the streets.

We found the Stotch family
hiding up here, also.

There's Chris and Linda,
and their son Butters.

Hello!

What is that? Chris, what is that?

That's a new sound.

- Oh, God, look!
- Those aren't guinea pigs!

Get off the roof!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Oh, God! Going down the stairs now.
Gotta get down the stairs.

And we are now getting word
of giant bees.

The giant bees have been seen
in the U S and Europe.

Get away! There's bees everywhere!

There's another one right there!

Oh, my God!

It stung me! It stung me!

That startled me!
That was really startling!

I think we're just heading deeper
into the mountains.

Yeah, maybe we should
start heading that way.

Hey, hey, look at this.

- What is it?
- I don't know. Looks old.

- Let's see what's in there.
- "Let's see what's in there."

That's why you guys
get into these situations.

Because when you come across
a spooky ancient ruin, you say,

"Let's see what's in there."

- It might be a way out, Craig!
- Yeah, Mr. Complainy Pants.

I don't think anybody's been in here
for centuries!

You guys, look at this!

It's a wall of ancient drawings.

Dude, it's a Peruvian flute band!

I know! And look!

Looks like the pan flute music is
driving away giant guinea pigs?

No way! Look!

The pan flute band's put in prison.
Just like what happened!

And then the guinea pigs killing people!
And then...

- Dude, it's Craig!
- What?

That is Craig!

- Dude, Craig, what's going on?
- I have no idea.

Well, do you mind telling us what you're
doing on an ancient Incan wall, Craig?

I don't know.

There is now word of huge beehives

forming in cities
across the US and Canada.

Europe and China are
reporting deaths by guinea pigs

in the tens of thousands.

And how are the efforts
to contain all this going?

It's bad, sir.
It seems we have no way of stopping it.

We've lost complete control.

- Sir?
- I'm sorry, I just thought of a funny joke.

All right, get the jets ready.
I need to get to Machu Picchu.

Machu Picchu, sir?

Yes, I need to be taken
to Machu Picchu.

Have you lost your hearing?

But, sir, what could possibly be
at Machu Picchu to help...

Am I in charge or not?

We're in the grocery store now.
Some other survivors here...

Can we get out through the highway?

The highway's unreachable.
There's guinea rats all over it.

- Guinea rats?
- So startled!

What do you mean, guinea rats?

Look, there are guinea pigs,

but there's also guinea bees,
guinea rats.

I've even seen some
guinea spiders out there.

Randy, will you stop doing that?

Look, I think we need to find a way out
under the city.

In the sewers?
It can't be safe down there.

Oh, God! What are we going to do?

Oh, my God!

Something's inside the store!

Guinea rabbits! They're inside!

They're everywhere!

Help me! Help me...

- Travis, no!
- We can't help him!

There's something over there!

It's a guinea bear!

No, it's a guinea mouse, stupid!

Kill me!

Randy, the storeroom!
We got to get to the storeroom!

Mom, I can't see!

It's okay, Shelly!
Daddy's going to turn on night vision.

There, there. Okay.

- What? What? What? What?
- Nothing, sorry. I just startled myself.

Let's head over this way, guys.

- You hear that? It sounds like water.
- Yeah, it's coming from up there.

Wow.

- Dude, that's awesome.
- All right, let's go.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I'm not following you guys any more.

- Dude, we have to go check this out.
- Why?

Because that's just the way it is.

Every time bad things happen,

you guys end up putting yourselves
deeper into the middle of it,

because "that's just the way it is."

Hey, we aren't the ones on an ancient
temple prophecy wall, butt-wipe!

I don't care. I've decided that I'm done.

I am choosing not to be
a part of this any more.

- How do you do that?
- It's easy. Watch.

Craig, dude, wait up.

- Dude, Craig, we should go back now.
- No.

- Hey, look! There's something here!
- Nope.

Dude, this is boring.
This is just a bunch of walking around.

Yeah. Nice and boring.
Just the way I like it.

It's been three days now
since the guinea pigs

and the guinea bees attacked.

Guinea rabbits are still everywhere,
along with a few guinea panthers.

We've taken shelter
at the Outback Steakhouse.

There's Sharon and Shelly.
Say, "hey," guys.

What is that? What is that?

I'm going to take a look outside!

- What is it?
- It's a guineasaurus rex!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, no! I'm way too startled!

Look!

Jesus, they can't kill it.

What do you think about
the guineasaurus rex, Shelly?

That's good! There's Shelly with the
guineasaurus rex in the background!

Give a little peace sign, Shelly. I know!

Hold out your palm so it looks like
you're holding the guineasaurus rex!

- Shelly?
- Randy! I have had it!

You are putting
down that goddamn camera!

Sharon, you're going be really glad

we have all this footage
of the family someday.

Wait here a minute.

Behold!
I am standing on your precious land!

Behold!
I am standing on your precious land!

I've waited a long time for this!

What's he doing?

What of your prophecy now?
Nothing can stop me!

Craig!

No! How did you get here?

Hey, it's that asshole who sent us
to the jungle with nobody to pick us up!

Sir, is everything all right?

- Shoot them!
- Shoot them?

They're a Peruvian band that escaped!
We must keep them contained!

No, listen to me.

The Peruvian flute bands were keeping
the guinea creatures away!

Whatever's happening to the world
is happening

because you guys got rid
of all the flute bands!

- I said shoot them!
- Go look!

It's all an ancient Incan prophecy!

Maybe we should look at it, sir.

Damn you, Craig!
You just don't ever stop, do you?

- I didn't say anything.
- You see, for thousands of years,

horrid creatures have lived
in the Guinea Valley of Peru.

The Incas learned
how to keep the creatures at bay

by playing pan flute music.

Guinea creatures hate it
even more than humans do.

But the prophecy foretold that one day
the creatures would be unleashed

and I have made that happen!

The Incas predicted
the world would be saved by Craig.

But that part of the prophecy
will not come true!

For you will all die on this mountain!

You're some kind of monster!

I'm much more than that.

Guinea bees, guinea rabbits,
guineasaurus rexes,

I am something much more evil.

Guinea pirate!

Jesus Christ!

Sir, I promise you,
I'm not going to ruin your plans.

I'll just walk away. See?

No!

Okay, now there's sparks
shooting out of my eyes.

Curse ye, Craig!

Stop!

My name is Craig Tucker.

Last week, I stopped a guinea pirate
from taking over the earth.

All the Peruvian flute bands
were released.

And drove the guinea creatures
back to the Andes Mountains.

Many people had died,
but mankind had prevailed.

All over the world,
survivors were found,

living witnesses to the terror
that had been seen.

Here, here, look, look! What the...
I didn't have a tape in it.

The guinea pirate lived, but was taken
to prison to live out the rest of his days.

And people all over the world

learned to support
their local Peruvian flute bands.

And buy their CDs, for they
protect us from the guinea creatures.

As for me, I was returned home
by Homeland Security.

My parents were so happy.

I realised that we don't always
have control over what happens to us.

We are but players on the stage of life.

And I also learned to never listen

when people come
asking you for money.

- That guy's an asshole.
- Yeah, what a dick.

Sir, sir, we have a problem.

What now?

The former director
of Homeland Security

that turned out to be a guinea pig,

it attacked the guards,
got out of its holding cell.

- My God, are you telling me...
- Yes, sir, it broke out of prison.