South Park (1997–…): Season 11, Episode 8 - Le Petit Tourette - full transcript

"Le Petit Tourette"

I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,

Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,

I'm goin out to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,

Ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor,

I'm heading out to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,

I like girls with big fat titties,
I like girls with really big fat titties,

So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,

Big Ring Slammer.
Comes with posable neck-smash grip.

- That's pretty cool. Let's see...
- Cock!

The Black Jackal.



Karate Kick Panel Force
and bendable neck--

Asshole! Cock!

Asshole, shit,
shit, cock!

Ma'am, is that
your son over there?

Yes, I'm sorry. My son
has Tourette's Syndrome.

- Tourette's Syndrome?
- It's a neurological disorder.

- He can't control what he says.
- Oh...

Shit!
Dumb shit!

All right, Thomas.
Maybe we should go?

All right Mom.
Bitch! Ass, bitch!

Here, let's buy you
a nice toy to take home.

Dude, that mom
is cool.

Cockbutt!
Stupid shit!

- Are you talking to me?
- No. Cocknose!



- What's your problem, kid?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

My son Thomas
has Tourette's Syndrome.

What?

Mom, let's just go.
Shit!

People with Tourette's can't control
certain tics. It's--it's like a sneeze.

Asshole, asshole!

Wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa.

You're telling me there's an illness
that makes you blurt out obscenities?

Mom, can we just
go home, please?

It's okay, Thomas.
They understand.

I want to go!
Shitfag!

- Poor kid.
- Yeah.

All right, hold on
just a second here.

Are you telling me that if you have
this Tourette's Syndrome

you can say whatever you want,
all the time, and never get in trouble?

It's a neurological disorder.
He can't help it.

Yeah.

I've got a golden ticket...

I've got an golden twinkle
in my eye.

Hey, don't you wanna
buy that toy?

I don't need the toy.
I've found something better!

'Cause I've got
a golden ticket!

I've got a golden change
to make my way.

It started about
four days ago, Doctor,

and every day,
he seems to get worse.

Puh- pussy!
Pussy! Cock! Shit!

I was checking out
the Internet and...

It almost seems like his symptoms are
like those in something called Tour...

Tourette's Syndrome?

Tourette's Syndrome?
What is that, Mommy?

- Butthole! Titties! Balls!
- That doesn't seem likely.

Tourette's is a hereditary disease,
it doesn't just suddenly start.

Cocksucker!

On the other hand, Tourette's does
often develop later in a child's life...

getting progressively worse.

Oh, well that's it! Shithead!
Asshole! Mexican sticky balls!

Oh Doctor,
can you help him?

We don't know very much
about Tourette's, I'm afraid.

But we will give your son
all the help we can.

But what about school,
Doctor?

The teachers and the principal,

they won't understand that
I can't control what I say.

Don't worry, young man.

We'll make sure everyone
understands your disease...

and gives you the compassion
you deserve.

Oh, that's awesome.
Thank you. Faggot!

Shit! Butthole!

Hey, Wendy.
Dumb bitch! Uh, sorry.

Titties! Cock!

Ginger retard!
Asslicker dickface!

Dude, you'd better watch it.
The principal's right over there.

Oh, good morning,
Principal Victoria.

- Shitballs!
- Good morning, Eric.

Did Cartman just say "shitballs"
to the principal?

You didn't hear?

Well Cartman has some mental disease
called Tourette's Syndrome or something.

What?

He's the luckiest kid
in the world.

If I could say "shitballs"
to the principal,

I'd be so happy.

Excuse me, excuse me everyone, I guess
you might have noticed my awkward tics.

Asshole!
Pussy asshole!

I just want you to know that
I can't control it.

It's okay, Eric. We all understand
and we think you're very brave.

He's faking.

Excuse me, everyone.
I need to have a moment alone

with my good friend Kyle?
Asscheeks!

Kyle, apparently you missed
the school assembly yesterday,

but I've been diagnosed with
a very serious mental condition.

You do not have
Tourette's Syndrome, fatass.

Okay, you figured me out.
Bravo, Kyle, bravo.

Don't you see
how awesome this is?

It's like, a magic cloak that makes me
impervious to getting in trouble.

- Who cares about saying whatever you--
- Of course, if you want to be

Sergeant Buzzkill once again...

and spoil my fun because you're jealous
you didn't think of it first,

- well go right ahead, Kyle.
- Whatever.

Good morning, Mr. Mackey.
Asspussy!

If I could say "asspussy"
to the counselor,

I would be so happy.

Okay, so what do we get when
we multiply a negative number--

Dicktits!

When we multiply a negative number
by another negative--

Shit! Asshole!

Excuse me.

If we apply what we've just learned,
we see that all negatives can--

Spooge balls
bloody vaginal belch.

You guys, don't laugh. It makes me
feel insecure about my illness.

All right kids, let's just try
to focus on learning, okay?

Now all you need to remember here
is that negative numbers--

- Tampon! Tampon dickshit!
- Will you knock it off already?

Kyle, don't you think
I wish I could?

I'd give anything
to be normal like you.

- Kike.
- Don't push me, asshole!

Kyle, watch your language!

If I could yell "tampon dickshit"
in the classroom, I'd be so happy.

Principal Victoria, it's just that Eric
has become such a distraction...

I don't think I can teach
my class anymore.

I understand it's been difficult,
Mrs. Garrison and so...

Mr. Donaldson has come from
the Tourette's Tolerance

and Understanding Foundation.

Hello, Mrs. Garrison--
Ass. Ass.

I want to help your class better
understand this illness. Piss!

- No! Up yours, fatboy!
- Kyle, please! I'm sorry!

Principal Victoria,
there's something you need to know.

Cartman's Tourette's isn't real.
He's faking!

Faking?

You think people
with Tourette's are faking?

No, I'm just saying
that I think--

Do you have any idea how horrible
that is to say? Ass! Ass!

We aren't faking, young man.

Trust me, nobody wants this
illness, ass. Piss! Piss!

That's right, Kyle.
Crap-filled vagina!

This is the kind of
intolerance you teach

at this school,
Principal Victoria?

No.

Then if you wouldn't mind,

I'd like to take this bully to see
that Tourette's is very real.

Piss.

Kids, today during therapy class,
we have a special visitor. Ass.

I wanted him to meet all of you so
he could try to understand Tourette's.

Tourette's is like
a cough or a sneeze.

It isn't contagious
like some people think.

A lot of people with Tourette's have
different tics. My tic...

is that I have to bend my neck
and snap my fingers.

But a lot of people
don't even notice it.

Aw, shit! Cock!

Sometimes it can be embarrassing
to have Tourette's, but I...

I've learned I shouldn't be
mad at myself.

You see? These kids can't
control their actions.

Ass!
Piss in the ass!

Look, I was just
suggesting that

maybe this one person could
control what he said,

but just didn't,
for fun.

Fun? This really isn't
all that fun.

Aw, shit!

Piss, coming from
my ass!

You wanna know
about fun?

Going to public places knowing
you're going to make a fool of yourself.

Embarrass your parents.
Aw, shit!

My dad finally
couldn't take it anymore.

He divorced my mom,
said he'd still be around,

but I only see him
at Christmas time now.

Shit! Shit!

The worst part is I know
how lonely my mom is.

A lot of times I know
she'd be better off if I was dead.

Dude...

Your mom would not be better off
if you were dead, Thomas.

Even if people like Kyle
here think so.

Aw, come on!

So then you apologize
for what you said before?

I was just trying to...

Just in one instance...

No. No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Well, Mr. and Ms. Broflovski,
I think your son has learned a lot

and he appears to be
honestly remorseful

for making fun of
people with disabilities.

Piss. Piss!

Our son is a good kid.

He just didn't understand
Tourette's was a real disease.

Well, I think the only thing
left now

is for your son to apologize
to his little classmate.

Well, Kyle?

I'm sorry.

Oh, what was that?
I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.

- I'm sorry.
- You're starry?

I don't get what you mean
by that, Kyle.

You're starry because I...

I said I'm sorry,
you piece of...

Oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle.
Now I understand.

I've learned to deal with intolerance.
Dumbshit douchebag!

And it means a lot that
you're standing here apologizing

with your dad
and lovely mother.

Fat Jew!
Jew bitch!

- Oh, thank you, Eric.
- Thank you. Big-nosed kike!

Well I thnk we can all
put this behind us now.

Piss out my ass!

Yeah. Piss out your ass right onto
Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face!

Oh goodness, excuse me.
Jeez, that was a bad one.

Well, gotta run, everybody.
Got some big things in the works.

Isn't having
Tourette's awesome?

Next week on Dateline NBC:
It's a Dateline special report.

I'm Chris Hansen.

You probably know me from
To Catch A Predator,

where we bust men
looking for sex with children.

Go ahead and take a seat.
Take a seat right over there.

Oh, God. Oh, no.

- What are you doin' here?
- I'm just bein' stupid, I guess.

But now we're switching our focus
from pedophiles to Tourette's syndrome.

It all started when I received
this touchng letter

from a brave little boy
in Colorado.

Dear Mr. Hansen,
I have Tourettes

and I want the world
to understand what it's like.

Won't you do
a special report on me...

so that the world can learn
to accept us instead of laugh?

Donkey boner!

This Saturday on Dateline,
I'll be bringing you Eric's story,

live and uncensored,
from his home in Colorado.

Livingn with Tourette's:
The Eric Cartman Story.

This Saturday
on Dateline NBC.

Finally, my wish of going public
with my illness can come true.

Goddamn Jews!
Suck my ass barf!

Hello, Kyle.
Dickhead!

What's this about you going
on live television on Saturday?

Yes. It's all finally come to fruition.
The final cog in my master plan.

This Saturday, I will go on
national television, live.

I will say horrible things
on the air.

Disspeakable things.
And people will call me brave.

Cartman, there are people in the world
who really have Tourette's Syndrome.

This isn't funny!

Not funny? I have free rein
to say anything I want

and you get into trouble if you try
and stop me. Care for a Scotch?

Scotch?

Kyle, I've won.
No matter how you look at it.

I've managed not only to get away with
saying whatever I want at school

on the bus,
at the dinner table.

But this Saturday, I will actually say
anything I want on national television.

I'm going
to blast the Jews, Kyle.

I'm going to call them
every name in the book

and people wlll call it
brilliant television.

They'll probably give me
an Emmy.

You are not going to go
on national television

and spew a bunch of hate speech
about Jewish people.

I won't let you do it,
Cartman.

Then the game is on, Kyle.

It's not a game, you derelict.
And this isn't Scotch! It's apple juice.

Do you have any idea
how liberating it is

to say whatever comes
to mind?

Big titties! Buttmumch!
There's no walls anymore. Shit!

Whatever enters my brain, I can
just say it without thinking about it.

I wet my bed last night.

- What did you say?
- Nothing...

You aren't gonna get away with this,
you stupid asshole!

That was weird.

We are here today to congratulate
a brave little boy.

Tonight, Eric Cartman
will go on television

and become the spokesman
for Tourette's Syndrome.

Piss out my ass!

The spokesman for Tourette's?

Oh no. Cock!

Thanks, everybody.
Suck my balls!

You've all been so understanding
and supportive of my illness.

Jews bomber, dick sneeze.
And it is because of you...

that I have the courage to go
on national television tonight.

Titty sprinkles.

If I could say "titty sprinkles"
on national television,

I would be so happy.

And I also just want to say
that I'm making this all up!

I'm making this all up to you,
for putting up with my mental disorder.

I cry at night because
I don't have a dad.

What the hell is going on?

It's okay, Eric.
We understand your illness, m'kay?

What I meant to say was
asslicker cumballs.

And I'm secretly in love
with Patty Nelson.

I fantasize about
kissing Patty Nelson!

Excuse me, I need a toilet!
Bathroom! Bathroom!

Hey, Eric!

Butters, do you think
it's possible

that you can lose your ability
to filter what you say?

I mean, if somebody got used
to saying whatever came to their mind.

Could they start saying things that
they would normally never say?

- Who are you talking about?
- My cousin.

My cousin one time, my cousin
and I touched wieners.

You... you and your cousin
touched wieners?

I didn't say that--
Yes I did, but why?

Oh! Stop it!

Excuse me! Excuse me,
I need to go! I gotta run!

Is there a problem, sweetie?

No, no problem.

I just need to-- My cousin
and I touched each other's...

I just want to thank
everyone for coming--

My cousin
and I touched wiener...

We--wiener, we--weenter!
Winter is a cold time of year.

Ah, I need
to be going now.

Well, all right, Eric.
Well good luck on Dateline tonight.

Dateline. Right.
I wet my ba--

I touched my cousin's wee...
This sure has been fun! Goodbye!

Tonight, an inside look
at Tourette's Syndrome.

I'm Chris Hansen.

I'm Chris Hansen.

Uh, Mr. Hansen? I'm afraid
I can't do the show.

- Why not?
- My grandma just died.

So I have to go to Memphis.
That's not true. My grandma's fine.

- Why don't you have a seat?
- No, I just need to get home.

- I'm not doin' the show.
- Go ahead and take a seat.

- But I'm not gonna do the--
- Take a seat, right over there.

What are you doing here?

I'm telling you that
I'm not doing the show?

But you are doing
the show.

You don't understand. All of a sudden,
I can't control what I say.

Well of course you can't control
what you say. You have Tourette's.

No! My Tourette's
has gotten worse!

Before I just blurted out cool stuff
about Jews being lame and stuff.

But now it's gotten
really bad.

So I'm sorry, but I'm not
doing the show and that's it.

Goodbye.

- Why don't you take a seat?
- No, I don't wanna take a seat.

- Have a seat.
- No, I'm just gonna go--

Take a seat,
right over there.

How does he do that?

You know, one time, I was doing
a show called 'To Catch A Predator.'

We almost caught
this pedophile,

but then he ran from us because
he didn't wanna be on Dateline.

Se we tracked him down to his house.
And you know what he did?

He shot himself.

It'd be a shame if you didn't
wanna go on Dateline.

Be a shame if we had to track you down
and you "shot yourself."

I just peed my pants.

Live, from our satellite
studio in Colorado.

This is Dateline.

Tonight, an inside look at
Tourette's Syndrome.

I'm Chris Hansen.

In a few minutes,
you will meet little Eric Cartman.

Who wants the world
to understand his affliction.

Five minutes, kid.

Jesus Christ. How did
I get myself into this?

God? Please,
I know I screwed up.

I should have never pretended
to have Tourette's Syndrome,

but see, I get it now.

You can't just walk around saying
whatever you want.

You gave us a filter because,
people don't wanna hear things like...

I touched penises
with my cousin!

And I learned,
you especially can't say

whatever you want on
national televison...

because there could be
kids watching.

Please, God, don't make me embarrass
myself on national television.

You must see how this is all
somewhat your fault, right?

Please,
I need a miracle.

Tango, this is Foxtrot.
Are you in position?

Copy Foxtrot.
Tango in position. Aw, shit!

You sure you don't
wanna back out?

No, you were right.
The fat kid is faking it!

If he goes on TV,
more people will think

that having Tourette's is fun.
Asshole shit!

All right, then we go with the plan.
Just like 'To Catch A Predator.'

The first guy is here.
This is probably HotForBoys219.

Hi, are you CuteBilly182?

Yeah. I was chatting
with you online. Shit!

Oh God, I'm so turned on right now.
This is your house?

Your, your parents
aren't home, are they?

No, it's cool. Go on inside.
I made brownies. Shit!

I'm just gonna slip into something
more comfortable. Cock!

Okay. Cock!
Don't take too long.

So now let's meet a child
who has Tourette's Syndrome,

and who must fi--

- Wait a minute. This ain't no house.
- What are you doing?

Chris Hansen?
Oh no, it's a setup. I knew it!

Sir, why don't you take a seat,
right over there?

Now everyone's gonna know
I'm a perv!

Aw, not again.

- Kyle?
- Surprise, fatass!

- Kyle, what are you doing?
- I went online posing as a boy

who would have sex
with older men

and told them to meet me here.
My plan worked perfectly.

Hey, I brought you
some Wendy's.

Yeah, go on in. There's
a hot tub inside.

- Stupid shit!
- Score!

Oh no,
it's Chris Hansen!

- Who is that? What's going on?
- What the hell is going on?

Wait a minute.
Oh God, it's Chris Hansen!

- Chris Hansen!
- Dateline?

- I knew it!
- There aren't really brownies!

Hey! Do you have something to do
with this? Answer me!

Stupid shit! Cock!

What? Nobody talks to me like that!
Why don't you take a seat?

- Take a seat, right over there.
- Suck it! Asshole licker dickfart!

I'll-- I'll tell on you!

Wow, you're the coolest kid
in the world.

If I could call Chris Hansen an
asshole-licking dickfart to his face,

I would be so happy.

- You would?
- Could I just like...

hang out with you sometime?
Like, do your laundry maybe?

Take a look, fatass!
I beat you!

You aren't going on Dateline.
What do you have to say now?

Oh, thank you!
Thank you, Kyle!

What?

I asked God to send
someone to help me.

And you came, Kyle!
I love you, man!

- No, I beat you!
- You totally saved my ass, Kyle.

You must really care about me.
See you, Kyle!

I gotta get to a psychiatrist
and learn to control what I say!

I got a golden ticket!
Thanks to Kyle!

I got a golden twinkle
in my eye!

- Aw, shit.
- Aw, shit!