South Park (1997–…): Season 11, Episode 7 - Night of the Living Homeless - full transcript

"Night of the Living Homeless"

I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,

Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,

I'm goin out to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind,

Ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor,

I'm heading out to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,

I like fucking silly bitches
and I know my penis likes it.

So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,

All right, this time, it's me and Kenny
versus you two assholes.

Fine.

Oh, dude, what's with
all the homeless people?



Sir, could you
move a little, please?

Spare some change?

Aw, dude, he smells like Kenny's house.
Get out of here!

You guys, that's not cool.
These people have nowhere to go.

They don't have food or shelter.
We have to do something.

Well dude, what are
we supposed to do?

Yeah, what are
we supposed to do?

No, Kyle's right, you guys.
We should do something.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I know what you're thinking, Kyle,
and I'm with you.

I know exactly
what we should do.

Gather around
and witness the glory

as Eric Cartman attempts
to jump his skateborad

over the homeless.



Thank you, thank you.
The ramp ready?

Yeah, it's all set.

He won't make it.

Excuse me, this isn't exactly
what I had in mind!

All right, here we go!
Jimmy?

Yes! I did it!

I jumped
over the homeless!

- Yes!
- Yes, yes!

- That was a sweet idea, Kyle.
- Goddamnit, that wasn't my idea!

All right, people, we need to come up
with answers.

There are homeless
sprouting up all over town.

What are we
supposed to do?

- Well, I short of had an idea.
- Please, Mr. Valmor.

We could give the homeless all
designer sleeping bags and makeovers.

At least that way,
they'd be pleasant to look at.

- Oh, that's a good one.
- Good idea. I like it.

Well, I was thinking:

We could turn
the homeless into tires

so that we'd still have homeless,
but we could use them, on our cars.

- Oh, that's a good one.
- Nice one, Randy.

- Like it.
- That's like recycling.

All right, enough!

I find this whole conversation
to be extremely offensive!

The homeless aren't monsters.
They are people, like you and me!

You mean they've adapted,
copied our DNA.

Excuse me.

I am the top researcher of
homeless studies for Park County.

I don't know why more homeless
people are showing up in town,

but I do know...

that we must
be extremely careful.

If we give them anything,
there could be more.

Hi.

I've been saving up for
a new X-Box game but...

but I think you could use the money
a lot more than I could.

Listen, I-I want you to take this.
It's twenty dollars.

Got any more?

No, that's--
I thought that was a lot.

Spare any change?

You're welcome.

Oh crap.

Dude, what are all
these homeless people

doing in front
of your house?

I don't know.

There's a bunch
outside my house too.

- Spare any change, sir?
- No! Fuck off!

I don't get it.

My dad said as long as nobody
gave them money, they'd move on.

- He did?
- Well, this is bullcrap!

Somebody
has to be responsible.

Well, I kind of gave a homeless guy
twenty dollars last night.

You what?

Oh come on, that can't be
why they're all here.

There has
to be another reason.

Kyle, what were you thinking?

Yeah! I can't possibly jump
these many homeless people.

I won't risk it!

I could jump
two homeless people...

maybe three,

but asking me to jump this many
is asking me to risk my life, Kyle!

I don't want you
to jump them, retard!

- Spare some change?
- No, sorry, I don't have any change.

- Got any change?
- No, sorry.

Can you
spare some change?

Change?

I don't have any change.

- Change?
- No!

Change?

Spare some change?

Leave me alone.
I don't have any change.

All right.
God bless you, sir.

Oh, now I feel bad. Here!

- Change?
- Change?

No, that was really
all the change I had.

- Spare some change?
- I just gave you change!

Change?

I don't have
any more change!

No! I don't have any change!
I don't have any change!

Okay, that'll be great.

Let's also make sure
we have enough chairs

in the community center
for everyone to attend.

Stay away!
Stay away!

Randy?
Randy, what happened?

I don't have any change!
I don't have any change!

This is a News 5 Special Bulletin,
with Chris Swollenballs.

South Park has become overrun
with the homeless.

Nearly every square inch
of public property

is now riddled
with homeless,

shutting down roadways and making
getting around impossible.

Many people are trapped
throughout the town.

Help! Help us!

Dude, it's our dads.

Oh my God.

In the meantime, South Park citizens
are being advised to stay indoors

and protect their change.

Spare some change?

What the--
You can't be in here.

- You got any change, sir?
- No, I don't have any change.

How did he get in here?

Change?

No, please.
I don't have any change.

Honest I don't.
I don't have any!

You see
what you did, Kyle?

Come on, we have to try
and help our stupid parents.

They're everywhere!

What are you boys doing?
Get in.

Spare any change, sir?

Come on, let's go!

What the hell
were you doing outside?

Our parents are stuck
on top of a building in town.

You aren't getting
into town.

It's completely overrun
with these things.

No! No, I don't need
my windshield cleaned.

Stop it. Stop it!

Look, our only hope is to talk
to the homeless researcher

out on Travis Street.

He understands what's going on
better than anybody.

Just stick with me, kids.

- Holy shit, dude!
- Over here!

Jump down! Go!

Aw God, it really smells
like Kenny's house down here.

Dude, shut the fuck up
about my house!

Whoa, Kenny, relax dude.
We need to work together.

Come on, we gotta get
to that scientist's house.

No sign of anybody else.

That's it. I'm gonna
make a break for it.

Don't be crazy, Gerald. You'll never
get through all those homeless people.

And even if you did, what then?
You can't drive anywhere.

If I can make it
through them,

maybe I can catch the bus
to Fairplay. I have to try.

You won't make it
through, Gerald!

- Change? Change sir?
- You got some change?

- Don't have any change.
- Change!

Don't have any change.

Damnit! All right,
you want change? Here.

There! There's some change.
All right, a little bit.

There you go.
Take the change.

Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have
any change left for the bus.

Hold on. Can I just get back some
of that change, please?

Change, sir?

Can I have just a little change for
the bus, please?

I need a little...
Anybody have some change?

Change?
Got any change?

What happened?

He's become one of them.

- Change?
- Change?

- I got one.
- You got any change?

- Go away, I don't have any change.
- Are you the head of Homeless Studies?

Yes. Who are you?

We think this may be
our friend's fault.

He gave one of the homeless
twenty dollars yesterday--

Oh my God.
Get in here!

Tell me what's going on?

There's a bunch of people
trapped in the middle of town

surrounded by homeless people.

We can't get to them.

All right, all right, look!
I didn't wanna risk it, but...

I think I know
what to do.

I'll try to jump all those homeless
and get to the people on that roof.

- Jump them?
- I jump the homeless professionally.

If you can get me
a skateboard,

I'll try to jump that homeless crowd
and save those people.

Oh, shut up, Cartman. All you did
was jump over one homeless guy.

I easily could have cleared another
thirty or forty.

You barely made it
over one, fatass!

Kyle, enough!

Cartman jumping more homeless people
isn't gonna solve anything right now!

God-damnit! I don't want him
to jump over more--

Boys! Boys! I don't think you quite
understand how the homeless function.

Perhaps you should come downstairs.
To my laboratory.

We don't have any change!
Go away!

- Anything, Steven?
- No.

All the phone lines
are completely down.

Hello? It's Steve Garrett
from the library.

Please let us in.

Find another place
to hide, Steve!

I have others with me.

We have nowhere else to go.
One woman here is pregnant.

We can't just leave them
out there.

Let us in! For God's sake,
they're coming!

No! No, I'm sorry,
we don't have any change.

You have
to let them in, Randy.

There isn't enough food
for more people up here!

Oh God. One of them
is a war veteran.

We're gonna have
to give him some change.

- This isn't happening!
- All right, all right, fine!

Could you spare
some change, sir?

I've dissected several homeless
to see what makes them tick.

Their anotomy is shockingly
similar to ours.

See? Everything is there:
Heart, lungs, kidneys.

They're almost identical
to us in every way.

Except for one.

The homeless can survive
solely on change.

Change?

They feed
on our change.

They need it in order
to keep them moving.

Is that--
Is that some spare change?

Somehow they're able
to take our change

and turn it into
nourishment, sustenance.

- Spare some of that change, sir?
- But now watch.

Spare some change?

It has already completely forgotten
that I've given it change.

It just wants...
more change.

Look over here.

This one I've kept deprived of change
for over three days.

Change?

- What's it doing?
- It's dying.

Cool.

I've learned that
the nearby city of Evergreen

had a homeless problem
just before we did.

And they were able
to stop it.

Excuse me, the front door was open.
Can I borrow some change?

Change?

Oh my God,
they're coming in!

Quick, kids. Get out of here.
You can fit.

What about you?

Get to Evergreen and find out
how they got rid of the homeless!

I'll be all right!

Eh!
Stop pushing, Kenny.

Hello? I'm sorry, I just really
need some change for the bus?

- Change?
- Spare some change?

Stop it!
I really do need change!

- Me too. Change?
- Change?

Hello?
Do you have any change?

Sorry to take
the easy way out.

Ow! Oh, fuck!

Ah! God!

No. No, damnit!

That's it. That's it, everyone.
We're out of Pop-Tarts.

- No. We can't be.
- Face it, we're gonnna starve!

No, no, wait.
There's still a box over here.

Those are cherry!

Wait, I got a signal!
I got a signal.

- What? You do?
- How? Call the fire department.

I'm calling my wife.

Mary. Mary baby,
are you all right?

- Oh, maybe we're gonna be okay.
- Ask her what's happening.

Mary, what's going on out there?
Nobody's coming for us.

They what? No!
That's impossible.

But how can that be?
We didn't even--

Hello? Mary.
Mary!

What happened, Glen?

There's no help coming!
She said...

Because of all the homeless...

Because of all the homeless
in South Park,

property values
have plummeted.

I had two liens against my house
and so the bank is foreclosing!

I don't have
a home anymore.

Randy, what are you doing?

He's homeless now.
We aren't safe.

- I'm not like them.
- Not yet. It's only a matter of time.

And what are you gonna do, huh?
Just blow his head off?

If we have to!
Sit down, Glen.

- Randy, you can't just--
- Sit down!

This is crazy.

How can they just
take away my house?

Where am I supposed
to put all my things?

I don't have a place for all my stuff.
Where am I supposed to put all my stuff?

I'll need to pay
for storage.

Can I borrow some money
to put my stuff in storage?

Come on, guys.
If you all just help me out a little bit.

Each one of you just
put in a little change?

Change?

What the hell
happened here?

That's far enough!

Just march your butts
right back out of our town!

We just came
to ask a question.

You homeless
or homeowners?

We're nine.

Yeah? Well that makes you homeless,
so get out of here before you die!

Look, we just need help with
our own homeless problem.

Yeah. This Jew here made them
take over our town.

Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman?

Eric Cartman?

The kid who jumped
thirty homeless people

on a skateboard?

- You heard about that?
- Heard about it?

They said you could have easily cleared
fifty homeless with that jump.

Thirty was hard enough.

Oh God! It wasn't thirty,
it was one!

He jumped over one homeless person
with his stupid skateboard

and he barely made it
over that guy!

Kyle, knock it off!

We're here to find out
how to get rid of the homeless,

not how many homeless
Cartman can jump!

Please, we just want you
to tell us

how you got rid of
the homeless in your town.

Well, that was easy.

The homeless first started arriving
in Evergreen about three months ago.

At first, there were only
a few of them,

asking for change,
sleeping in the parks.

But then more showed up

and we realized there was
something different about them.

They fed off of our change
to the point

that they could actually
start renting apartments.

We knew it wouldn't
be long before

the homeless actually
started buying homes.

And then we'd have no idea
who was homeless and who wasn't!

The people living in the house right
next door to you could be homeless

and you wouldn't even know!

Nobody could trust anybody.
Fights broke out. War!

That's when I started suspecting
that my own wife...

who I'd been living
with for twenty years,

was actually homeless.

So I had to burn her.
In her bed while she slept.

After she died, I vowed I wouldn't let
the homeless destroy our town!

So we came up with a plan to get
rid of them, once and for all.

You son of a bitch.
You didn't solve your homeless problem.

You just sent all your homeless
to South Park.

That's right, yes.

- What?
- I knew it!

It wasn't because I gave
that guy twenty dollars.

The homeless
all came from here!

And it was Texas
who sent them to us!

People in San Antonio
got rid of their homeless

by telling them what a great place
Evergreen was!

But then you didn't solve the problem,
you just moved it.

Right.
But we survived.

Dennis!

Christine!

You son of a bitch!
You tried to kill me!

I had to, Christine.
You were homeless.

No, I wasn't homeless,
you stupid asshole!

Christine,
I can't understand you.

Yeah! Because
you burned my lips off!

I nurned your rip sauce?

No!
You burned my lips off!

I have no idea
what you're saying!

Dude, our parents are just as stupid
as these people.

Our town is gonna end up
just like this.

No it isn't.
Come on, I have an idea.

No, no, no, we're not having Cartman
jump any more homeless people, Kyle.

That isn't my idea!

I saw a bus in a garage a couple of
blocks back. We need to modify it!

What are we gonna do?

We're gonna save our parents
before they all kill each other.

A bus!
A bus is coming!

It's the boys! They've modified
a bus to get us out of here.

I knew
they'd come back for us.

- All right!
- Yeah.

Look, Glen.
We're saved.

All right,
I'm turning around.

- Why are they turning?
- What are they doing?

Don't leave us!

- All right, hit it.
- Let's hope to Christ this works.

California Love

California,

Is nice to the homeless,

California-nia,
Supercool to the homeless,

In the city,

City of Santa Monica,

Lots of rich people
giving change to the homeless,

Change?

In the city,

City of Brentwood,

They take really good care,
of all their homeless,

They're listening.
Let's go!

In the city,

Marina del Rey,

They're so nice
to the homeless,

Built a port about it,

- They're leading them away!
- We're gonna be all right!

Oh Glen!
We made it!

California,

Supercool
to the homeless,

Change?

California-nia,
Idn't on the tona,

In the city,

City of Venice,

Right by Matt's house,
You can chill if you're homeless,

Yes!
That's three homeless!

Suck on that!
Fuck, yeah!

Honestly, I don't know
what you see in this, Kyle.