Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 2 - Saturday Night Queefer - full transcript

You can see by the way
I'm struttin' down

this Malibu Adjacent town

that womanizing is my game

and danger is my middle name

I got a cool suit

and hair that's awesome

but with this music

there's just one problem

I got trouble

stayin' awake, stayin' awake

I need some coffee

stay-ay-in' awake

you may think
my clothes are lame

but they work for me
'cause I got no shame

my pants are tight,
the crotch is worn

Put me down for $5

on those lucky drawers
in the window.

And save 'em for me.

I love to boogie

but it makes me sleepy

this disco music

I got trouble...

Stan, give me 10.

That's good.

I need some coffee

stayin' awake stayin' awake

I got a cool suit

and hair that's awesome

but with this music

there's just one...




It's always been my dream

to be the first heterosexual
dancer on Broadway.

And you can win it, Johnny,

'cause you're good.


I could do a little dancin'
right now.

I been dancin' so hard

my colon's gettin' jarred

pinchin' the loaf
is a piece of cake

'cause this bumpin' and grindin'

always makes...


...stool loose

Who's the double-knit nitwit?

He's no nitwit.

He's Johnny Queefer.

He's an orphan who became
a juvenile delinquent

until Notch rescued him

and took him under his wing.

So everybody shake a stool loose

I like to play it cool...

You got no rhythm.
What's the matter you?

If my back door's
shut too tight...

Hey, the teens seem

to be havin' themselves
a hullabaloo.

Yeah. Look at Johnny boy.

He's gettin' his funk on

to some rockin' oompah-pah.

Eatin' bran muffins
just ain't no use...

My Johnny Queefer dancing?

He disobeyed me.

I think somebody
needs a spanking.

I just took a doodie

the size of a moose

so everybody shake a stool loose


As head lifeguard,

I declare that from
this day forward

all dancing is banned

in Malibu Adjacent.



No puedo bailajar
en Malibu Adjacent.


Tonight's episode...

Night Queefer, Night Queefer.


He's got the disco fever

Hey, Johnny,

your lunch is getting cold!

I'm comin'!

Quit bustin' my disco balls.


He's got the disco fever

he moves like the wind

he's a hard-luck case

if you don't watch out...

Hope you weren't
dancin' in there.

Can't even dance
in the bathroom?

It's just dancin'!

Dancin's the only thing
that makes me feel like...


Why can't you be
more like your brother?

The priest?

Now, I don't wanna hear
no more talk about dancin'.

I got you a good job!

A job with a future!

Delivering smoothies.

Smushin' a bunch of
fruit together in a cup?

That job's for losers.

You take that back!


Ok, that's enough!

Can't we just enjoy
the meal this...

Anonymous old lady prepared?

Mangia, mangia!


You want me to eat

while this guy gets his kicks...

Stompin' on my dreams!

Dream? What dream?

This dream!

To dance...

On the great white way.

The great white way?

That's my dream, too!

What do you think you're doin'?

I'm sorry, Johnny.

As your illegal guardian,

I forbid you to dance.

You don't know me, man!

You don't know me, man.

This conversation's over.


Walk this way.

Johnny, I'm sorry!

I don't know what's
gotten into Notch.

Oh, miss Clark,
it just ain't fair.

On account of the fact
Notch bannin' dancin',

I can't do no dancin'!

Except in those
underground dancing clubs.

Whew! Now that's dancin'.

Ok, look. I'll talk to Notch.

He'll listen to me.

Thanks, miss Clark.

You really know me, ma'am.

You really know me, ma'am.

Foxy lady.

I'm sorry I made fun
of your dancin'.

How you doin'?

My name is Guido Garrisi.

My friends just call me greasy.

Jamaica St. Croix.

You were right.

I'm the only sistah in the hood

with no natural rhythm.

Think you got it rough?

I grew up at
the Notch Johnson home

for orphans and retards.

So you're a retard?

Nah! I'm an orphan!

Hey, you wanna go out
with me or something?

Notch, I need to talk
to you about Johnny.

One second, Kimberlee.

I'm almost done.

Chip, I'm gonna need you
to be my enforcer

to make sure
these teens don't dance.

What dances should
I be looking for?

Well, first off,
there's the twist.

Secondly, there's the skate.

And lastly, the most popular
of all the teen dances?

The bye bye birdie.

Wasn't that the funky chicken?

No, Chip!

You've got to know
the difference

between the funky chicken
and the bye bye birdie!


These kids are just dancing.

Ja! it's not like
they're controlling

the world's monetary system.

Notch, is there something
you're not telling me?

Ain't no way you're
winning, Johnson.

One way or another,
you're goin' down!

Ha ha ha!

Kimberlee, mind
your own beeswax!

And, Chip,

I have given you a direct order.

Follow it.

I'm issuing you a citation.

Wow! I can't believe
we have so much in common.

We both love pizza, calzone,

and pasta fagioli!

You ever think you got
a little red sauce

mixed in with that brown sugar?

Me, part Italian?

Talkin' 'bout the sad girls

sad girl

talkin' 'bout
bad, bad girls, yeah

see them out
on the street at night


pickin' up
all kinds of strangers...


Maybe I can be your partner
for the big contest,

since we both wanna
go to Broadway.


Fly, Robin, fly!


Did you make that up?


Well, I saw it in
a porno film first.

Then I made it up.

My breasts have exploded!

My breasts have exploded!

Hello, 9-1-1?

We've got a pair
of busted tittin' willows.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

You see what dancing does?

This woman almost
drowned in her own saline!

I'm putting you all on report.

And as for you, Queefer...

It's over, Johnny!

It's over!

No, Notch!

You can't take away my dream.

You see, I got a hole inside me,

and the only way to fill
that hole is through dancin'.

I can fill your hole

if you'd just open
up and let me in!

I don't need you!

I don't need anyone!

When you grow up in a home

for orphans and retards,

you learn to fill your own hole!

No, Chip.

He means sit down.

Well, the good news is
they found an implant donor

for Porcelain
after a stripper died

in a tragic
lap-dancing accident.

What's the bad news?

The bad news is...

This happened because you
two did not follow my orders.

I don't deserve to live.

I did not follow orders.

I am so sorry!

And don't anyone try
to come in after me!

Notch, what is wrong with you?!

You are acting like a lunatic!

Ha ha ha!


Fine, Kimberlee, fine!

It's like you wrapped your lips

around my whole head

and sucked out the truth!

It all started when
I was a young boy.

My father wanted me
to be a boxer.

But I wanted to be
a beautiful ballerina.

Ballet led to a dance contest

where the winner got
to go to Broadway.

In the end, the competition
was between me

and a guy named Tony manure.

Ain't no way you're
winnin' this, Johnson.

One way or another,
you're goin' down.


Sorry, Johnson.

Somebody had to take the fall.

I was devastated.

But I still had this dream
of being a dancer.

The only job I was offered

was in a boy-on-boy revue called

Bob Flossey's all that jizz.

So that's why I can't
have Johnny dance!

Because he'll end up naked!

Just because you failed
doesn't mean Johnny has to!

If you won't change your mind,

then I'm quitting!

I'm not changing my mind!

Then I quit!

Kimberlee, come back here!

Tell me


how deep is your hole?

Hey, Johnny.

Shouldn't you be practicing

for the big dance contest?

Why bother?

I'm just gonna be delivering
these brown smoothies

for the rest of my life!

Mangia! Mangia!

But, Johnny, you've gotta dance,

no matter what Notch says.

No way.

My bottom's still sore
from Notch's last licking.


Sometimes you just
have to take a stand

like I did.

I quit the force

to protest this stupid
ban on dancing.

Well, miss Clark,

since you got
nothin' better to do,

maybe you can be my partner

in the big dance contest.

I do know how to cut a rug.

Yeah, I can tell that
from your bathing suit.


I'd love to be
your dance partner.

I've never kissed
a white guy before.

If we hook up,

you know what I'll do?

You will?

Oh, that's something a
brother would never do.




I'm never gonna
get that move right.

We'll get it. We'll get it.

If you wanna win the contest,

you have to win
the rehearsal first.

I'm sorry, Johnny.

Can you ever forgive me?

I just didn't wanna
see you wearing pasties

and a g-string full of cash.


It's not important, Johnny.

But how would you
like to be taught

by the best ach

in the entire dancing industry?

Sure! Do you know him?

It's me, Johnny.

It's me.

Oh, Notch!


Hey, Johnson.

Your shoe's untied.

How ya doin', Notch?

It's your old dance rival.
Tony manure.

Manure, what are you doing here?

I'm coachin'
my teenage son Calvin.

He's here to win
the big Broadway competition.

Remember, Notch?

That's the contest that made
me a huge star on Broadway

and sent you to the boy bars.

I'm gonna blow you
away, Queefer.

Let's get outta here, pops.

Let's not worry about them.

Let's get back to work.

Yeah, it's 5:00,

and the dance contest
is at 9:00.

Just give me 45 minutes.

I need to change my outfit.

Oh, my god.

What have I done?

Hey! Welcome,
all you cats and chicks,

to the club foot,

reach for the stars,

Broadway competition!

Where's Johnny?

He just went to get
his lucky underwear.

He said he'd be brief.

Our next couple

Cal manure and,

fresh from
breast enhancement surgery,

Porcelain Bidet!

Get 'em, get 'em! Come on!

Aren't they a beautiful pair!


Jamaica, where did you go?

Why'd you leave?

What's eatin' at ya?

You, Guido.

You've been eating at me.

Yeah. That's something
a brother never would do.

Notch, Johnny and I are up next!

Wait! There he is!

Johnny, where you been?

Notch, I been
lookin' everywhere,

and I can't find
my lucky underwear!

Oh, no! Look!

There's your
lucky underwear, Queef!

Here's your lucky underwear!

Manure's doing to you
what he did to me!

And now he's doing it to you!

I'm gonna lose, Notch!

I'm gonna lose my dream
of dancin' on Broadway!

Not on my illuminated
dance floor.


Take my lucky underwear.

Notch, that's your underwear?

Thanks, Notch!

I can already smell victory.


And now,

our final couple of the evening,

Johnny Queefer

and Kimberlee Clark!

'Cause the ladies
call me Queefer

there's gotta be a dance

'cause I been on the dance floor

with his lucky underpants

he should be queefin'

it's the newest dance you know

he should be queefin'

just like Johnny's gettin' down

he should be queefin'

get on the floor and spin

he should be queefin', yeah

breakin' like the wind

forget about the books

Instruction is for squares

just shake your little derriere

into my lucky underwear

He should be queefin'

it's the newest dance you know

he should be queefin'

just like Johnny's gettin' down

he should be queefin'

get on the floor and spin

he should be queefin', yeah

breakin' like the wind

he should be queefin'

Keep it down,
all you cats and chicks.

The judges have come
to a final decision

on the couple that gets
their big break on Broadway.

That couple is...

Johnny Queefer

and his partner Kimberlee Clark!

I object!

I object! This thing is fixed!

There you go, Johnny!

Oh, I couldn't
have done it without...

Notch Johnson

and his...

Lucky banana hammock!

Smells like Queefer!

I know what youse did for me.

And, miss Clark,

Guess I'm off to Broadway.

By the time I come back,

you'll be a fully
developed young woman.

Yeah. So, uh, ahem,

Johnny, what time does
your flight leave?

Oh, we don't need no planes.

You takin' a bus?


Well, how are you gettin' there?

I'm gettin' there.


He should be queefin'

get on the floor and spin

You're such a special lady...


Ok, that's enough!

Hee hee hee!

Ha ha ha!


Ha ha ha!


I'm... I'm sorry!