Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 2 - Saturday Night Queefer - full transcript
You can see by the way
I'm struttin' down
this Malibu Adjacent town
that womanizing is my game
and danger is my middle name
I got a cool suit
and hair that's awesome
but with this music
there's just one problem
I got trouble
stayin' awake, stayin' awake
I need some coffee
stay-ay-in' awake
you may think
my clothes are lame
but they work for me
'cause I got no shame
my pants are tight,
the crotch is worn
Put me down for $5
on those lucky drawers
in the window.
And save 'em for me.
I love to boogie
but it makes me sleepy
this disco music
I got trouble...
Stan, give me 10.
That's good.
I need some coffee
stayin' awake stayin' awake
I got a cool suit
and hair that's awesome
but with this music
there's just one...
Wow.
Aah!
Broadway.
It's always been my dream
to be the first heterosexual
dancer on Broadway.
And you can win it, Johnny,
'cause you're good.
Hey!
I could do a little dancin'
right now.
I been dancin' so hard
my colon's gettin' jarred
pinchin' the loaf
is a piece of cake
'cause this bumpin' and grindin'
always makes...
M-m-m-my...
...stool loose
Who's the double-knit nitwit?
He's no nitwit.
He's Johnny Queefer.
He's an orphan who became
a juvenile delinquent
until Notch rescued him
and took him under his wing.
So everybody shake a stool loose
I like to play it cool...
You got no rhythm.
What's the matter you?
If my back door's
shut too tight...
Hey, the teens seem
to be havin' themselves
a hullabaloo.
Yeah. Look at Johnny boy.
He's gettin' his funk on
to some rockin' oompah-pah.
Eatin' bran muffins
just ain't no use...
My Johnny Queefer dancing?
He disobeyed me.
I think somebody
needs a spanking.
I just took a doodie
the size of a moose
so everybody shake a stool loose
Freeze!
As head lifeguard,
I declare that from
this day forward
all dancing is banned
in Malibu Adjacent.
Oh!
Attenciòn...
No puedo bailajar
en Malibu Adjacent.
Prrr-eee-ha!
Tonight's episode...
Night Queefer, Night Queefer.
Yeah!
He's got the disco fever
Hey, Johnny,
your lunch is getting cold!
I'm comin'!
Quit bustin' my disco balls.
Ah...
He's got the disco fever
he moves like the wind
he's a hard-luck case
if you don't watch out...
Hope you weren't
dancin' in there.
Can't even dance
in the bathroom?
It's just dancin'!
Dancin's the only thing
that makes me feel like...
Dancin'!
Why can't you be
more like your brother?
The priest?
Now, I don't wanna hear
no more talk about dancin'.
I got you a good job!
A job with a future!
Delivering smoothies.
Smushin' a bunch of
fruit together in a cup?
That job's for losers.
You take that back!
Oh!
Ok, that's enough!
Can't we just enjoy
the meal this...
Anonymous old lady prepared?
Mangia, mangia!
Eat!
You want me to eat
while this guy gets his kicks...
Stompin' on my dreams!
Dream? What dream?
This dream!
To dance...
On the great white way.
The great white way?
That's my dream, too!
What do you think you're doin'?
I'm sorry, Johnny.
As your illegal guardian,
I forbid you to dance.
You don't know me, man!
You don't know me, man.
This conversation's over.
Chip!
Walk this way.
Johnny, I'm sorry!
I don't know what's
gotten into Notch.
Oh, miss Clark,
it just ain't fair.
On account of the fact
Notch bannin' dancin',
I can't do no dancin'!
Except in those
underground dancing clubs.
Whew! Now that's dancin'.
Ok, look. I'll talk to Notch.
He'll listen to me.
Thanks, miss Clark.
You really know me, ma'am.
You really know me, ma'am.
Foxy lady.
I'm sorry I made fun
of your dancin'.
How you doin'?
My name is Guido Garrisi.
My friends just call me greasy.
Jamaica St. Croix.
You were right.
I'm the only sistah in the hood
with no natural rhythm.
Think you got it rough?
I grew up at
the Notch Johnson home
for orphans and retards.
So you're a retard?
Nah! I'm an orphan!
Hey, you wanna go out
with me or something?
Notch, I need to talk
to you about Johnny.
One second, Kimberlee.
I'm almost done.
Chip, I'm gonna need you
to be my enforcer
to make sure
these teens don't dance.
What dances should
I be looking for?
Well, first off,
there's the twist.
Secondly, there's the skate.
And lastly, the most popular
of all the teen dances?
The bye bye birdie.
Wasn't that the funky chicken?
No, Chip!
You've got to know
the difference
between the funky chicken
and the bye bye birdie!
Notch!
These kids are just dancing.
Ja! it's not like
they're controlling
the world's monetary system.
Notch, is there something
you're not telling me?
Ain't no way you're
winning, Johnson.
One way or another,
you're goin' down!
Ha ha ha!
Kimberlee, mind
your own beeswax!
And, Chip,
I have given you a direct order.
Follow it.
I'm issuing you a citation.
Wow! I can't believe
we have so much in common.
We both love pizza, calzone,
and pasta fagioli!
You ever think you got
a little red sauce
mixed in with that brown sugar?
Me, part Italian?
Talkin' 'bout the sad girls
sad girl
talkin' 'bout
bad, bad girls, yeah
see them out
on the street at night
walkin'
pickin' up
all kinds of strangers...
Johnny.
Maybe I can be your partner
for the big contest,
since we both wanna
go to Broadway.
Ok.
Fly, Robin, fly!
Wow!
Did you make that up?
Yeah.
Well, I saw it in
a porno film first.
Then I made it up.
My breasts have exploded!
My breasts have exploded!
Hello, 9-1-1?
We've got a pair
of busted tittin' willows.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
You see what dancing does?
This woman almost
drowned in her own saline!
I'm putting you all on report.
And as for you, Queefer...
It's over, Johnny!
It's over!
No, Notch!
You can't take away my dream.
You see, I got a hole inside me,
and the only way to fill
that hole is through dancin'.
I can fill your hole
if you'd just open
up and let me in!
I don't need you!
I don't need anyone!
When you grow up in a home
for orphans and retards,
you learn to fill your own hole!
No, Chip.
He means sit down.
Well, the good news is
they found an implant donor
for Porcelain
after a stripper died
in a tragic
lap-dancing accident.
What's the bad news?
The bad news is...
This happened because you
two did not follow my orders.
I don't deserve to live.
I did not follow orders.
I am so sorry!
And don't anyone try
to come in after me!
Notch, what is wrong with you?!
You are acting like a lunatic!
Ha ha ha!
Fine!
Fine, Kimberlee, fine!
It's like you wrapped your lips
around my whole head
and sucked out the truth!
It all started when
I was a young boy.
My father wanted me
to be a boxer.
But I wanted to be
a beautiful ballerina.
Ballet led to a dance contest
where the winner got
to go to Broadway.
In the end, the competition
was between me
and a guy named Tony manure.
Ain't no way you're
winnin' this, Johnson.
One way or another,
you're goin' down.
Whoa!
Sorry, Johnson.
Somebody had to take the fall.
I was devastated.
But I still had this dream
of being a dancer.
The only job I was offered
was in a boy-on-boy revue called
Bob Flossey's all that jizz.
So that's why I can't
have Johnny dance!
Because he'll end up naked!
Just because you failed
doesn't mean Johnny has to!
If you won't change your mind,
then I'm quitting!
I'm not changing my mind!
Then I quit!
Kimberlee, come back here!
Tell me
how
how deep is your hole?
Hey, Johnny.
Shouldn't you be practicing
for the big dance contest?
Why bother?
I'm just gonna be delivering
these brown smoothies
for the rest of my life!
Mangia! Mangia!
But, Johnny, you've gotta dance,
no matter what Notch says.
No way.
My bottom's still sore
from Notch's last licking.
Look.
Sometimes you just
have to take a stand
like I did.
I quit the force
to protest this stupid
ban on dancing.
Well, miss Clark,
since you got
nothin' better to do,
maybe you can be my partner
in the big dance contest.
I do know how to cut a rug.
Yeah, I can tell that
from your bathing suit.
Johnny...
I'd love to be
your dance partner.
I've never kissed
a white guy before.
If we hook up,
you know what I'll do?
You will?
Oh, that's something a
brother would never do.
Hmm-hmm...
Oh!
Damn!
I'm never gonna
get that move right.
We'll get it. We'll get it.
If you wanna win the contest,
you have to win
the rehearsal first.
I'm sorry, Johnny.
Can you ever forgive me?
I just didn't wanna
see you wearing pasties
and a g-string full of cash.
Huh?
It's not important, Johnny.
But how would you
like to be taught
by the best ach
in the entire dancing industry?
Sure! Do you know him?
It's me, Johnny.
It's me.
Oh, Notch!
Mmm...
Hey, Johnson.
Your shoe's untied.
How ya doin', Notch?
It's your old dance rival.
Tony manure.
Manure, what are you doing here?
I'm coachin'
my teenage son Calvin.
He's here to win
the big Broadway competition.
Remember, Notch?
That's the contest that made
me a huge star on Broadway
and sent you to the boy bars.
I'm gonna blow you
away, Queefer.
Let's get outta here, pops.
Let's not worry about them.
Let's get back to work.
Yeah, it's 5:00,
and the dance contest
is at 9:00.
Just give me 45 minutes.
I need to change my outfit.
Oh, my god.
What have I done?
Hey! Welcome,
all you cats and chicks,
to the club foot,
reach for the stars,
Broadway competition!
Where's Johnny?
He just went to get
his lucky underwear.
He said he'd be brief.
Our next couple
Cal manure and,
fresh from
breast enhancement surgery,
Porcelain Bidet!
Get 'em, get 'em! Come on!
Aren't they a beautiful pair!
Jamaica
Jamaica, where did you go?
Why'd you leave?
What's eatin' at ya?
You, Guido.
You've been eating at me.
Yeah. That's something
a brother never would do.
Notch, Johnny and I are up next!
Wait! There he is!
Johnny, where you been?
Notch, I been
lookin' everywhere,
and I can't find
my lucky underwear!
Oh, no! Look!
There's your
lucky underwear, Queef!
Here's your lucky underwear!
Manure's doing to you
what he did to me!
And now he's doing it to you!
I'm gonna lose, Notch!
I'm gonna lose my dream
of dancin' on Broadway!
Not on my illuminated
dance floor.
Here.
Take my lucky underwear.
Notch, that's your underwear?
Thanks, Notch!
I can already smell victory.
Yeah!
And now,
our final couple of the evening,
Johnny Queefer
and Kimberlee Clark!
'Cause the ladies
call me Queefer
there's gotta be a dance
'cause I been on the dance floor
with his lucky underpants
he should be queefin'
it's the newest dance you know
he should be queefin'
just like Johnny's gettin' down
he should be queefin'
get on the floor and spin
he should be queefin', yeah
breakin' like the wind
forget about the books
Instruction is for squares
just shake your little derriere
into my lucky underwear
He should be queefin'
it's the newest dance you know
he should be queefin'
just like Johnny's gettin' down
he should be queefin'
get on the floor and spin
he should be queefin', yeah
breakin' like the wind
he should be queefin'
Keep it down,
all you cats and chicks.
The judges have come
to a final decision
on the couple that gets
their big break on Broadway.
That couple is...
Johnny Queefer
and his partner Kimberlee Clark!
I object!
I object! This thing is fixed!
There you go, Johnny!
Oh, I couldn't
have done it without...
Notch Johnson
and his...
Lucky banana hammock!
Smells like Queefer!
I know what youse did for me.
And, miss Clark,
Guess I'm off to Broadway.
By the time I come back,
you'll be a fully
developed young woman.
Yeah. So, uh, ahem,
Johnny, what time does
your flight leave?
Oh, we don't need no planes.
You takin' a bus?
Nah.
Well, how are you gettin' there?
I'm gettin' there.
Dancin'!
He should be queefin'
get on the floor and spin
You're such a special lady...
Ow!
Ok, that's enough!
Hee hee hee!
Ha ha ha!
Sorry!
Ha ha ha!
Cut!
I'm... I'm sorry!
I'm struttin' down
this Malibu Adjacent town
that womanizing is my game
and danger is my middle name
I got a cool suit
and hair that's awesome
but with this music
there's just one problem
I got trouble
stayin' awake, stayin' awake
I need some coffee
stay-ay-in' awake
you may think
my clothes are lame
but they work for me
'cause I got no shame
my pants are tight,
the crotch is worn
Put me down for $5
on those lucky drawers
in the window.
And save 'em for me.
I love to boogie
but it makes me sleepy
this disco music
I got trouble...
Stan, give me 10.
That's good.
I need some coffee
stayin' awake stayin' awake
I got a cool suit
and hair that's awesome
but with this music
there's just one...
Wow.
Aah!
Broadway.
It's always been my dream
to be the first heterosexual
dancer on Broadway.
And you can win it, Johnny,
'cause you're good.
Hey!
I could do a little dancin'
right now.
I been dancin' so hard
my colon's gettin' jarred
pinchin' the loaf
is a piece of cake
'cause this bumpin' and grindin'
always makes...
M-m-m-my...
...stool loose
Who's the double-knit nitwit?
He's no nitwit.
He's Johnny Queefer.
He's an orphan who became
a juvenile delinquent
until Notch rescued him
and took him under his wing.
So everybody shake a stool loose
I like to play it cool...
You got no rhythm.
What's the matter you?
If my back door's
shut too tight...
Hey, the teens seem
to be havin' themselves
a hullabaloo.
Yeah. Look at Johnny boy.
He's gettin' his funk on
to some rockin' oompah-pah.
Eatin' bran muffins
just ain't no use...
My Johnny Queefer dancing?
He disobeyed me.
I think somebody
needs a spanking.
I just took a doodie
the size of a moose
so everybody shake a stool loose
Freeze!
As head lifeguard,
I declare that from
this day forward
all dancing is banned
in Malibu Adjacent.
Oh!
Attenciòn...
No puedo bailajar
en Malibu Adjacent.
Prrr-eee-ha!
Tonight's episode...
Night Queefer, Night Queefer.
Yeah!
He's got the disco fever
Hey, Johnny,
your lunch is getting cold!
I'm comin'!
Quit bustin' my disco balls.
Ah...
He's got the disco fever
he moves like the wind
he's a hard-luck case
if you don't watch out...
Hope you weren't
dancin' in there.
Can't even dance
in the bathroom?
It's just dancin'!
Dancin's the only thing
that makes me feel like...
Dancin'!
Why can't you be
more like your brother?
The priest?
Now, I don't wanna hear
no more talk about dancin'.
I got you a good job!
A job with a future!
Delivering smoothies.
Smushin' a bunch of
fruit together in a cup?
That job's for losers.
You take that back!
Oh!
Ok, that's enough!
Can't we just enjoy
the meal this...
Anonymous old lady prepared?
Mangia, mangia!
Eat!
You want me to eat
while this guy gets his kicks...
Stompin' on my dreams!
Dream? What dream?
This dream!
To dance...
On the great white way.
The great white way?
That's my dream, too!
What do you think you're doin'?
I'm sorry, Johnny.
As your illegal guardian,
I forbid you to dance.
You don't know me, man!
You don't know me, man.
This conversation's over.
Chip!
Walk this way.
Johnny, I'm sorry!
I don't know what's
gotten into Notch.
Oh, miss Clark,
it just ain't fair.
On account of the fact
Notch bannin' dancin',
I can't do no dancin'!
Except in those
underground dancing clubs.
Whew! Now that's dancin'.
Ok, look. I'll talk to Notch.
He'll listen to me.
Thanks, miss Clark.
You really know me, ma'am.
You really know me, ma'am.
Foxy lady.
I'm sorry I made fun
of your dancin'.
How you doin'?
My name is Guido Garrisi.
My friends just call me greasy.
Jamaica St. Croix.
You were right.
I'm the only sistah in the hood
with no natural rhythm.
Think you got it rough?
I grew up at
the Notch Johnson home
for orphans and retards.
So you're a retard?
Nah! I'm an orphan!
Hey, you wanna go out
with me or something?
Notch, I need to talk
to you about Johnny.
One second, Kimberlee.
I'm almost done.
Chip, I'm gonna need you
to be my enforcer
to make sure
these teens don't dance.
What dances should
I be looking for?
Well, first off,
there's the twist.
Secondly, there's the skate.
And lastly, the most popular
of all the teen dances?
The bye bye birdie.
Wasn't that the funky chicken?
No, Chip!
You've got to know
the difference
between the funky chicken
and the bye bye birdie!
Notch!
These kids are just dancing.
Ja! it's not like
they're controlling
the world's monetary system.
Notch, is there something
you're not telling me?
Ain't no way you're
winning, Johnson.
One way or another,
you're goin' down!
Ha ha ha!
Kimberlee, mind
your own beeswax!
And, Chip,
I have given you a direct order.
Follow it.
I'm issuing you a citation.
Wow! I can't believe
we have so much in common.
We both love pizza, calzone,
and pasta fagioli!
You ever think you got
a little red sauce
mixed in with that brown sugar?
Me, part Italian?
Talkin' 'bout the sad girls
sad girl
talkin' 'bout
bad, bad girls, yeah
see them out
on the street at night
walkin'
pickin' up
all kinds of strangers...
Johnny.
Maybe I can be your partner
for the big contest,
since we both wanna
go to Broadway.
Ok.
Fly, Robin, fly!
Wow!
Did you make that up?
Yeah.
Well, I saw it in
a porno film first.
Then I made it up.
My breasts have exploded!
My breasts have exploded!
Hello, 9-1-1?
We've got a pair
of busted tittin' willows.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
You see what dancing does?
This woman almost
drowned in her own saline!
I'm putting you all on report.
And as for you, Queefer...
It's over, Johnny!
It's over!
No, Notch!
You can't take away my dream.
You see, I got a hole inside me,
and the only way to fill
that hole is through dancin'.
I can fill your hole
if you'd just open
up and let me in!
I don't need you!
I don't need anyone!
When you grow up in a home
for orphans and retards,
you learn to fill your own hole!
No, Chip.
He means sit down.
Well, the good news is
they found an implant donor
for Porcelain
after a stripper died
in a tragic
lap-dancing accident.
What's the bad news?
The bad news is...
This happened because you
two did not follow my orders.
I don't deserve to live.
I did not follow orders.
I am so sorry!
And don't anyone try
to come in after me!
Notch, what is wrong with you?!
You are acting like a lunatic!
Ha ha ha!
Fine!
Fine, Kimberlee, fine!
It's like you wrapped your lips
around my whole head
and sucked out the truth!
It all started when
I was a young boy.
My father wanted me
to be a boxer.
But I wanted to be
a beautiful ballerina.
Ballet led to a dance contest
where the winner got
to go to Broadway.
In the end, the competition
was between me
and a guy named Tony manure.
Ain't no way you're
winnin' this, Johnson.
One way or another,
you're goin' down.
Whoa!
Sorry, Johnson.
Somebody had to take the fall.
I was devastated.
But I still had this dream
of being a dancer.
The only job I was offered
was in a boy-on-boy revue called
Bob Flossey's all that jizz.
So that's why I can't
have Johnny dance!
Because he'll end up naked!
Just because you failed
doesn't mean Johnny has to!
If you won't change your mind,
then I'm quitting!
I'm not changing my mind!
Then I quit!
Kimberlee, come back here!
Tell me
how
how deep is your hole?
Hey, Johnny.
Shouldn't you be practicing
for the big dance contest?
Why bother?
I'm just gonna be delivering
these brown smoothies
for the rest of my life!
Mangia! Mangia!
But, Johnny, you've gotta dance,
no matter what Notch says.
No way.
My bottom's still sore
from Notch's last licking.
Look.
Sometimes you just
have to take a stand
like I did.
I quit the force
to protest this stupid
ban on dancing.
Well, miss Clark,
since you got
nothin' better to do,
maybe you can be my partner
in the big dance contest.
I do know how to cut a rug.
Yeah, I can tell that
from your bathing suit.
Johnny...
I'd love to be
your dance partner.
I've never kissed
a white guy before.
If we hook up,
you know what I'll do?
You will?
Oh, that's something a
brother would never do.
Hmm-hmm...
Oh!
Damn!
I'm never gonna
get that move right.
We'll get it. We'll get it.
If you wanna win the contest,
you have to win
the rehearsal first.
I'm sorry, Johnny.
Can you ever forgive me?
I just didn't wanna
see you wearing pasties
and a g-string full of cash.
Huh?
It's not important, Johnny.
But how would you
like to be taught
by the best ach
in the entire dancing industry?
Sure! Do you know him?
It's me, Johnny.
It's me.
Oh, Notch!
Mmm...
Hey, Johnson.
Your shoe's untied.
How ya doin', Notch?
It's your old dance rival.
Tony manure.
Manure, what are you doing here?
I'm coachin'
my teenage son Calvin.
He's here to win
the big Broadway competition.
Remember, Notch?
That's the contest that made
me a huge star on Broadway
and sent you to the boy bars.
I'm gonna blow you
away, Queefer.
Let's get outta here, pops.
Let's not worry about them.
Let's get back to work.
Yeah, it's 5:00,
and the dance contest
is at 9:00.
Just give me 45 minutes.
I need to change my outfit.
Oh, my god.
What have I done?
Hey! Welcome,
all you cats and chicks,
to the club foot,
reach for the stars,
Broadway competition!
Where's Johnny?
He just went to get
his lucky underwear.
He said he'd be brief.
Our next couple
Cal manure and,
fresh from
breast enhancement surgery,
Porcelain Bidet!
Get 'em, get 'em! Come on!
Aren't they a beautiful pair!
Jamaica
Jamaica, where did you go?
Why'd you leave?
What's eatin' at ya?
You, Guido.
You've been eating at me.
Yeah. That's something
a brother never would do.
Notch, Johnny and I are up next!
Wait! There he is!
Johnny, where you been?
Notch, I been
lookin' everywhere,
and I can't find
my lucky underwear!
Oh, no! Look!
There's your
lucky underwear, Queef!
Here's your lucky underwear!
Manure's doing to you
what he did to me!
And now he's doing it to you!
I'm gonna lose, Notch!
I'm gonna lose my dream
of dancin' on Broadway!
Not on my illuminated
dance floor.
Here.
Take my lucky underwear.
Notch, that's your underwear?
Thanks, Notch!
I can already smell victory.
Yeah!
And now,
our final couple of the evening,
Johnny Queefer
and Kimberlee Clark!
'Cause the ladies
call me Queefer
there's gotta be a dance
'cause I been on the dance floor
with his lucky underpants
he should be queefin'
it's the newest dance you know
he should be queefin'
just like Johnny's gettin' down
he should be queefin'
get on the floor and spin
he should be queefin', yeah
breakin' like the wind
forget about the books
Instruction is for squares
just shake your little derriere
into my lucky underwear
He should be queefin'
it's the newest dance you know
he should be queefin'
just like Johnny's gettin' down
he should be queefin'
get on the floor and spin
he should be queefin', yeah
breakin' like the wind
he should be queefin'
Keep it down,
all you cats and chicks.
The judges have come
to a final decision
on the couple that gets
their big break on Broadway.
That couple is...
Johnny Queefer
and his partner Kimberlee Clark!
I object!
I object! This thing is fixed!
There you go, Johnny!
Oh, I couldn't
have done it without...
Notch Johnson
and his...
Lucky banana hammock!
Smells like Queefer!
I know what youse did for me.
And, miss Clark,
Guess I'm off to Broadway.
By the time I come back,
you'll be a fully
developed young woman.
Yeah. So, uh, ahem,
Johnny, what time does
your flight leave?
Oh, we don't need no planes.
You takin' a bus?
Nah.
Well, how are you gettin' there?
I'm gettin' there.
Dancin'!
He should be queefin'
get on the floor and spin
You're such a special lady...
Ow!
Ok, that's enough!
Hee hee hee!
Ha ha ha!
Sorry!
Ha ha ha!
Cut!
I'm... I'm sorry!