Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 14 - Bad News, Mr. Johnson - full transcript

Previously on a previous Son
of the Beach seen previously...

How can you accept this award
knowing you committed

such horrible atrocities
in Vietnam?


Never tell! Never tell!

The defendant is hereby
sentenced to 600 years.

I can't believe we did this.

You're Notch's brother!

I have 2 weeks
to leave the country?

Kimberlee, will you marry me?

The father of my baby

had a brown starfish ring.

I'm sorry, Chip,
but I can't marry you.

Ok, I'll marry the German!

In the case of
Pappasmearos Jr. vs. Bidet,

Mr. Pappasmearos will receive
his father's entire $100 million estate.

Miss Bidet will receive nothing.

I'll be homeless!

I'm taking over Malibu adjacent.

Well, I'm not worried.

My brother Harry's
now running spf-30.

Some brother. He works for me.

Say your prayers, Johnson.

And now passion
and friction combine

to bring on an explosive climax,

followed by a happy ending
on a very special

son of a beach.

Hello. I'm the female
Asian news reporter

with breaking news.

The world's most famous
lifeguard Notch Johnson,

convicted for atrocities when he
improperly disposed of tam pon,

has escaped from prison
and is now on the lam.

The police are now
hunting for Johnson,

but this will prove difficult,
because as we all know,

Notch Johnson is
a master of disguise.

Captioning made possible by
fx networks

Too expensive?

I'm losing money here!

Tell you what, schnorrer.

You can kiss my toches. Next!

I'm gonna get you!

So until next time,

we'll all be wondering...

Where in the world
is Notch Johnson?

Ok, we got it.

Tonight's episode..

Come on, everybody!

It's time to eat
aunt Jizzie out!

Of house and home!



Lordy, that's one hard worker.

But what's with those chains?

Those are old school.

Come on, son, and get
a taste of aunt Jizzie's

famous chicken fried fat!

It's little Notch,

the boy I wet nursed
until he was 15!


Chil', the police is
lookin' for you, chil'!

So what you doin' here,
brother Notch?

Are you kidding?

This is the only place
I can blend in.

I'm innocent, aunt Jizzie.
You gotta believe me.

I know you innocent, baby,

'cause I raised you,
and believe me,

our people know what it's
like to be falsely accused.

Yes'm. Mm-hmm!

We been falsely accused

in the heat of the night

Yes'm. Mm-hmm.

Well, I can prove
my innocence, too.

All I gotta do is
find colonel kooze,

the one-nippled man.

One nipple?!

That would cut my wet
nursin' business in half!

Yes'm. Mm-hmm!

You gotta help me.

I need a place
to hide, aunt Jizzie.

Notch, you can hide
behind my back porch.

It's plenty big.

Oh, oh, aunt Jizzie,
I'm so happy,

I could sing!

Twiddly-diddly-ya ya

we're goin' first class

'cause I've got a horseshoe

way up my ass

trouble don't know you

happiness do

life love Izzie

and Jizzie loves you

Jizzie's right behind me

Jizzie's on the case

Jizzie's in my corner

Jizzie's on my face

no matter where you go

no matter what you do

Jizzie's gonna be all over you

twiddly do

All these years,
growing up in the shadow

of the great Notch Johnson!

And you let him escape?!

Don't you ever
talk to me like that.

Now, calm down. I have a plan.

I want you to move up
your wedding date

with this precious Kimberlee.

Why is that?

When little brother finds out,

he'll have to be
at that wedding.

And once he's there...

That wedding will become...

His funeral.

Jamaica, the wedding planner
gave me this checklist.

Now, do you want tulips
or daisies?

Daisies, I guess.

Let's have tulips.

Do you want the ice sculpture

to be a swan or a panzer tank
rolling through Paris?

Ice sculptures, flowers?

Chip, why are you making
such a big deal?

But, Jamaica, my little
chocolate pussenfrau,

our marriage must look
kosher to the ins.

That's why my parents
are coming in from Germany.

You invited your parents?

Chip, you're German.

I'm from the ghetto?

You have something in common.

During the war, they moved
people out of the ghetto.


That sounds like them now.

Go! Go! What?

You must leave. Go, go, go.



Chappy, I don't know how
much more of this I can take.

I don't want to become
some kind of a bag lady.

Pity. You sure got
the bags for it.

Oh, my god!

It's Nick Pappasmearos Jr.

What's he doing here?

That old fart does
a lot of charity crap.

He even does work over
at the local leper colony.

Porcelain, dear, maybe Nick
Jr. can be an inspiration to you

and you can turn
your life around.

Don't listen to that bitch.

You deserve snuggles' cash.

I mean, you did boink the guy.

Ignore her, Porcelain dear.

Oh, shut up!

What did you ever do for me?

Wow! You only been
homeless a few days,

already you're
talkin' to yourself.

Kimberlee, I've been thinking
about our wedding.

What about it?

Let's do it tomorrow.


We can married
with Chip in Jamaica.

Come on, Kimberlee.

You always said you wanted
to do something adventurous.

Oh, well, Harry, I don't know.

I m...


Well, when you put it that way,

how can I say no?


Aunt Jizzie! Aunt Jizzie!

What is it, Notch?

It's Harry!

I can see that.

No, it's my brother Harry!

He's marrying Kimberlee!


I can't let her marry him.

Well, if you really
love that woman,

then you better go
stop that weddin'!

Well, good-bye, aunt
Jizzie. Good-bye, Nate.

Good-bye, everyone.


And thank you.


Baby, let us
cut those chains off.

Yes'm. Mm-hmm!


Huh! Notch.

I thought I heard
someone in the next room.

Chappy, Kimberlee and Harry
are getting married.

I know. It's in all the papers.

Look, I've got
to stop the wedding

and I need you to round up
Ellen and professor Milosevic.

You're a convicted felon.
Why should I help you?

Chappy, there's a half-eaten
taco in my left pocket

with your name on it.

Look, you got to believe
I'm innocent.

After all we've
been through together...

Shut up. Shut up! You
had me on half-eaten taco.

That's how it's done,
you little feigelweiss.

Now, where is this
future wife of yours?

Mutti, poopi, there'ssomething
you should knowabout Jamaica.

Guess who's coming to dinner?

Ha ha ha!

What's up, dawg?

I think they like you.

I would like to introduce
the newest volunteer

to our leper colony...

Porcelain Bidet.

Thank you, sister fister.

Lepers and gentleman,

I am dedicating the rest
of my life to you.

Well, come on, everyone,
give her a hand.



Nick Jr.!

What are you doing here?

I was gonna ask you
the same question.

The Porcelain Bidet I know
is only out for herself...

And my father's fortune.

That's the
oldPorcelain, Nick Jr.

I decided to turn
my life around.

I want to help lepers.

I like the new Porcelain Bidet.

Clearly you're getting off
on the right foot.

I gotta get some
evidence on Harry.

Strange place to store flour.

If I could only
find that cocaine.

Wait! A mysterious
black suitcase.

Aha! Gotcha!

I'll hide in the powder room.

Oh, my god.


Mr. Mcbaby's coming down
my slip 'n' slide!

I heard that.

It's ok, B.J.

I can deliver your baby.

I just washed my hands.

Stay away from me.

You're a convicted feline.


B.J., I am ordering you.

Get on the floor
and spread your legs.



Now, has your water broken yet?




B.J., shut it off!

There must be a knob!

What happened?

Oh, I had a horrible dream.

I dreamt our chippy
was marrying a...

A schwarzenfrau!

Chip, this is
just not gonna work.

Jamaica, wait!
Let me handle this.

Now you two will
shut up and listen.


Jamaica's nice enough
to marry me

so I can stay in America.

She's a wonderful person.
I have much respect for her.

And while I'm at it, last week,
I saved a drowning rabbi.

Oh! Oh!

You are so romantic

and so sexy, Nick Jr.

I bet you're constantly
fighting off women.

But, alas, the old
Porcelain is no more.

The new Porcelain is saving
herself for her second husband.

Hey, I know this sounds crazy, but
maybe I could be your second husband.

I mean, uh, maybe you'd
like to see Nick at night?

Ha ha!

I'd love to.

Oh, speaking of weddings,

I have to go to one today.

Maybe we could
tie the knot there!


Ha ha ha!

Come on, B.J.,
you gotta push harder.

Come on. You can do it!
You can do it!

Now push!

Ha ha!

Oh, my god! My baby!

Is it a boy or a girl?

B.J., I'm not a doctor.

Look, Notch, I'm hot again!

You've always been hot to me.


Hey, you're the greasy guy
who saved me from kooze

when I was let out of prison.

What are you doing here?

Notch, I'm an ex-agent

who was inside
the brown starfish.

Oh, and I'm also the
father of B.J.'s baby.

But you don't look familiar.

Maybe this'll help.

Remember now, baby?

Look at you! You're so handsome!

Tell me something I don't know.

But, B.J.'s lover, how did you
happen to plant your man-seed

in B.J.'s fertile
pleasure garden?

I... what?

You know... got me pregnant?

Well, you see, brown
starfish wanted me to kill B.J.

So he could frame
ngressman bucocky.

But I fell in love with her.

Naturally, she fell
head-over-heels for me,

so instead of killing her,

I protected her
by wiping out her memory

with a drug called f-itall.

F-itall? Isn't that the drug
that's so popular

at fraternity parties?

Oh, Notch, look at me.

You think I need mind-altering
drugs to get women?

Well, to tell you the truth...

Moving on!

Say, B.J., what do you say
you and I run off together

and become one happy family?

Ok, you two kids run off.

I've got a wedding to break up.

Notch, that wedding is a trap!

Well, aren't all weddings traps?

Yeah, but this wedding is a trap

set up by colonel kooze
to lure you out of hiding.

He and his flat-foots
will be there to arrest you.

Don't you worry. I've
got a plan to fool kooze.

You just said the magic
word... "fool" is my middle name.

Do you, Nick Jr.,
take this wee bit of blarney

to be your...


Oh! Oh, right.

To be your wife?

To have and to hold,

till death do you part?

I do.

Then you may kiss the boy.

I... i mean, bride.


Did I say "boy"?



Our next couple to be wed

is Kimberlee Clark
and Harry Johnson.

If anyone objects
to this holy bond,

let them speak now

or forever hold my piece.

I mean, their peace.

Their peace.

Did I say "my piece"?

Their peace!





I object to this wedding!

Police, that's Notch
Johnson! Arrest him!

Stay away, coppers,

or else I'll be forced
to breathe on you!

What the hell's goin' on here?

I object, too!

Damn it, I want him arrested!

Back off, cops!

Except for you.

I'll show you how to
really use this nightstick.

Over here!

Come and get me,
you dirty screw!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Where is he?

The real Notch Johnson has
to be around here somewhere.

This plan's supposed to work!


Harry, what are you
talking about?

I'll tell you
what he's talkin' about,

and I think you'll find
it's magically delicious.

That's right.
It's Notch Johnson,

and my brother Harry works
for a crime organization

called brown starfish.

The group that tried
to kill B.J.?


They're led by a man
I used to worship,

a man I thought was dead...

Colonel Seymour kooze.

You see, kooze faked
his death at tam pon

and now is framing me for crimes
I never committed.

Harry, is this true?

Are you in any way
involved with this colonel?

Of course not!

Can't you see
my brother's a psycho?

I hate his friggin' guts!

Oh, I'm a puh-sycho?

Then check out... This!


Oh, nuts!

You've ruined everything!

I've always lived
in your shadow,

and now, once again,
Notch Johnson,

the world's greatest lifeguard,

has gone and destroyed
my life again!

And, you! You promised
to kill him!

Harry, anyone ever tell you
you talk too much?

Why don't you just shut up?!


Ha ha ha ha!

Kooze is getting away!

And by the way,
Kimberlee Clark...

I love you.

Hey, Nick Jr., didn't you say
something about a wedding gift?

Porcelain, I've decided
to take my entire fortune

and turn it over to...

Yes? Yes?

The Malibu Adjacent
leper colony.

Thank you!


You freaking idiot!

This marriage is over!




Ha ha!

Kooze, get back here!

Get back here!
Where are you going?!


Spank! Spank the monkey!

Come on, spank,
get off the pipe!

Let's get kooze!

Come on, spank! Hit that gas!

Take this, Johnson!


Ha ha ha ha!

Come on, spank!
We're gonna get this guy!

All right, closer.


That's it.

That's it! Here I go! Uhh!



Oh! Ah!

You call yourself
the Son of the Beach?

Well, my friend, I'm gonna
give you a burial at sea!

Good-bye, private Johnson!

Spank, now!

What the...

Hasta spumanti, baby!

Oh, jeez!

Thanks, little buddy!
You saved my life!

Ha ha ha! You're right, spank!

Now there's kooze
all over the place!

Ha ha ha ha!

Yes, Mr. President.

Thank you for granting Chip
Rommel honorary citizenship.


And, please, say hello
to your family,

especially your father Barbara.

Well, you gotta love bush!

I know I do.

Jamaica, I have
some very bad news.

Now I don't need to marry you.

I'll try and get over it.

So, gorgeous, I couldn't
help but notice

you own your own...


Oh, Notch, I'm so glad
you're ok.

And by the way, the only
reason I was marrying Harry

is because I thought
I lost you forever.

Aw, don't worry, Kimberlee.

I'm like herpes.

I'll never go away.

Thanks, Notch.

I've missed hearing
your sweet little nothings.

And now, Kimberlee, I'd like to do
something I once saw in a movie.

Spank, can I borrow your cap?

Thank you.

Kimberlee, I'm gonna finally
lift you up where you belong.

Ohhh! Ahhh!

Chip, could you give me a hand?

It's not over, Johnny.

It's not over.

Ha ha ha ha!