Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 10 - Empty the Dragon - full transcript

So, grandfather,
what story are you

going to read to me tonight?

Tonight, it's...

"Once upon a time, there was

"an old professor
named Taykakaka.

"Professor Taykakaka
hated people who ate meat.

"One day, a truck from
Nagasaki fried chicken,

"or N.F.C., was bringing
a shipment

of plump, delicious
chickens to slaughter."

Huh? "To save their lives,

"professor Taykakaka stood
in the middle of the road,

causing the driver
to slam on his brakes."

"The old man begged
to spare the chickens,

"but the truck driver
just laughed

and tossed a chicken at the
old man before speeding off."


Grandfather, reading:
"Meanwhile, in Malibu Adjacent,

"world famous lifeguard
Notch Johnson

was singing his heart out
in a karaoke contest."

Talkin' 'bout
the bad girls, yeah

choo choo, hey, beep beep

choo choo, hey, beep beep

Thank you. Thank you so much.

All right! Ladies and gentlemen,

the judges have
cast their votes.

One of you lucky
finalists will be

headed to Japan to compete

in the international
karaoke championships,

sponsored by Nagasaki
fried chicken, or n.F.C.!

And, the winner is...

Notch Johnson!

Ha ha! Thank you!

What happened next, grandfather?

Well, then, they roll
the opening credits.

Captioning made possible by
fx networks

Tonight's episode...

"So, Notch Johnson cashed in

"his first class
round-trip ticket to Tokyo

for 4 tickets in coach."

And, grandfather,
who did he bring?

I'll tell you, grandson,

but as I describe the
beautiful Porcelain Bidet,

I want to make sure both your
hands are above the sheets.

Well, I've only got 4 tickets,

so who wants to go to Japan?

Me! Oh, I do!

I shouldn't fly.
Plus, I'm so fat,

that I take up a whole row.

Well, that's true, B.J.

So, Notch, when do we leave?

But Jamaica, you
promised you would

take me to le maize class.


It'll be fun. After
class, they're serving

coffee and hemorrhoid doughnuts.

Well, looks like you
three are the lucky duo!

Oh! I can't wait!

I have always wanted
to see the far east.

Well, that's great, Kimberlee,

but we're not going to New York.

All of us big actors love Japan.

We can do commercials there
without hurting our American careers.

American career?
Oh, I didn't realize

picking up dollars
without your hands

was a career.

At least my crotch
has seen daylight

within the last
10 years. A-ha ha.

I'm so excited to meet
my very own geisha!

Oh, Chip. Those women
are nothing

but subservient slaves
to their men.

Yeah. Just the thought of it

makes my nipples tingle.

"By his daughter binaca,

a lovely girl
with fresh breath."

Hello, father, I have
some wonderful news.

I was hired by a
very large corporation.

Huh? Huh? Hmm.


I have good news, myself.

I have invented buckroll serum!

That makes fruits and
vegetables freakishly large.

Well, look at
the size of my banana!


Now there is no reason to eat

cute little animals.


Sure, these vegetables
give me gas,

but my stools are always
delightfully loose.

So tell me about your new job,

while I enjoy more
of this giant cabbage.

Father, I have taken a job

at Nagasaki fried
chicken, or n.F.C.

- Huh?
- My own daughter?

How could you
dishonor me like this?

What? Father, it is a good job.

I get to meet celebrities
like Notch Johnson.

Besides, I have
discovered I like

the taste of meat in my mouth.

You are no daughter of mine.

Now go!

Hmm. Sure. Right. I will
show her and everyone.

I will have the last laugh!

Huh? Hmm.

Was that you or me?

Ah! Notch Johnson!

Blondie! Blondie!
Take your picture!

Hey! What about me?!

I don't think you've
got a good look

at these Japanese lanterns.

Blondie! Blondie!

I'm binaca Taykakaka.
Glad to meet you.

On behalf of Nagasaki
fried chicken, or n.F.C.,

I welcome you to Tokyo.

I'll be escorting
you to your hotel.

Chief, she speaks some
cockamamie language

I don't understand.

Don't worry, Chip. I happen

to speak fluent
out-of-synch English.

It is a great privilege
to be in your country.

I can't wait to nibble on
your legs, breasts and thighs.

Do not cry. I meant
the chicken, not you.

I am sorry. I am crying

because my father feels
I have dishonored him

by working in
the chicken business.

He does not like to
see chicks get eaten?

Haven't you guys ever
seen a blonde before?

Boy, if you like me,
you'd love B.J.

Yeah! B.J.! B.J.!

Oh. No, no, uh...

Come on, B.J., you haven't
put on that much weight.

You're still as smokin' as ever!


You wouldn't lie to me?

Absolutely not.

Hey. Look who's
patrolling the beach!


And now, I will give
you my growth serum!

At last! We will teach them all

a lesson they will
never forget. Ha ha ha!

Grow, chicken, grow!

Now, the predator
shall become the prey!

Grandfather, please tell me

more about
the beautiful Porcelain.

"Well, the Japanese press
ignored poor Porcelain

"despite her perfect
olive skin, nubile breasts,

and unbelievable ass."

Oh my! Talk about the
land of the rising grandson.

Well, enough about Porcelain.

Let me tell you what
happened to the pregnant B.J.

I'm a method actor.
If I'm going to

hit on her, I need a motivation.

Zig, I've got your
motivation right here.

Mmm. Mmm.

Hey, Princess, no wedding ring?

Yeah. Who'd want a big ol'
preggy preg like me?

You're pregnant? Get out!

You mean you can't tell?

Let me answer you this way.

Welcome to the emperor's suite.

6 people are
supposed to stay here?

Wow! Must have been
a short emperor!

I think I'll go check
out the rest of the hotel.

Ooh! Ugh! Ow!

And I'm going to a geisha house.

I think I'm really going to
enjoy Japanese women!

Well, you have a lot in common.

Germany and Japan
were allies during the war.

There was no war!

That is a fairy tale made
up by the New York media!

Ugh! Oof! Oww!

Oh no! Look at this!

So much for sight-seeing.

Great! I'm trapped in this
shoe box the whole trip!


You smell minty...
But you look upset.

It is my father!

He called and threatened
to wreak havoc on Tokyo.

He must be talked out of it!

Say no more, binaca.
I'm coming with you,

and I'm coming quickly.

Uh, Kimberlee, uh, can
we step in the living room?

Kimberlee, she needs help.

Uh-huh. What?

Do you think I'm
attracted to this...

Young, pert piece of sashimi?

In her thigh-high mini skirt,

and most likely
laundry-fresh cotton panties?

No. I wasn't
thinking that at all...

Until now!

Well, maybe I am
slightly attracted to her.

But only in a way a dad might

be attracted to his
teenage step-daughter.

Ohh! Thanks. That
makes me feel much better.

Ok, Kimberlee, why
don't you join us?

You can be the third wheel!

Ugh. Notch, I can't go anywhere

with the press hounding me.

I'll just... I'll just
stay here and relax.

Good enough!

Looks like it's just
you and me, baby.


Jim, this is Nokia.

Hello, my little geisha.

Hmm. That's one
strange doorbell.

That is no doorbell.
That is my father.

Whoa! Is like the
fourth of July in there.

Huh? Binaca, I disowned you.

Why are you here?

Professor Taykakaka,
I am Notch Johnson.

I come from America.

A land your people
owned in the eighties.

I come because your
daughter is worried about you.

Huh? Worried about what?

I am but an old man.



Professor, you've got the
biggest cock I've ever seen.

You bet I do.

What are you planning to do?

I am releasing it on Tokyo,

to seek revenge on meat eaters.

You are free, range chicken.

Go, eat who you want.

Now, go. Go, I said.

Go, big bird.

Come on! Come on, chicken.

Stop being so intransigent.


Aah! Not me! I
am but an old man.


By god! That chicken just ate
your father like he was a cheese nip.

"The giant chicken was
headed for downtown Tokyo."


Aah! I am squashed,
I am squashed!

Grandfather, reading:
"Meanwhile, in another part of Tokyo

known as little New York..."

Feast your eyes, boys.




Darn! Now Kimberlee's gonna be on
the cover of every magazine in Japan.

Oh! I wish someone would eat me.

Oh, my god. That
bird's got Kimberlee.


I love this whole
subservience thing. Ha ha!

I can't wait until I get
made in Japan. Ha ha!

Hi, Jamaica.

Well, look at you, miss thing.

I know, I met this super guy.

He doesn't even care there's
someone growing inside my belly.

What's his name?

Zig. Isn't that a cool name?

Oh! It's giz spelled backwards.

So, what do you think?

Nice work! B.J.'s actually
feeling good about herself.

I know.

Than James brolin
on his honeymoon.

So if you want me to keep up

this academy
award-winning performance,

it's gonna cost you.


What's the plan,
general toumalou?

Call me skip.

Ok, skip toumalou.

Notch, as commander of
Japanese air defense force,

I'm afraid we have no choice
but to drop nuclear bomb.

Oh, no!

Is that necessary?

Don't worry. No one get hurt,

except for chicken and
of course, Kimber-ree.

Kimber-ree? But I ruv her!

Don't drop the bomb!

Please, please, skip toumalou.

Skip toumalou, my darling!

Okey, dokey, yankee dog.

I give you 30 minutes

to come up with better plan.

30 minutes?

Rots a ruck!

Notch, what are you going to do?

I don't know.

Here, chickee, chickee, chickee!

Here, chickee, chickee, chickee!

Come eat Porcelain.

Porcelain, are you out
of your plucking mind?

Can you blame me?
No matter what I do,

nobody gives me any press.

They treat me like chicken crap.

Chicken crap?


That's it ladies, keep
applying the laxative.

Once that chicken
swallows this Johnson,

he'll be running for his life.

Notch, that's harikari.

You can't fool me.
That's general toumalou.

Notch, what's the big deal?

All they want to do is drop
an atomic bomb on Kimberlee.

You know what that
would mean for my career?

Porcelain, I have
to do my business.

When you gotta go, you gotta go!

This time let me pleasure you.

I'll invade your
southern region.

Ok, fuhrer. Have a ball.

Hurry up, I'm on the clock.

So, you hired an
actor to be nice to me.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Don't play dumb. That's my job.

Zig cancelled our date because

he got a better acting job.

Look, B.J., I was
just trying to help.

I don't need your help.

I can feel fat and
ugly all by myself.

Hey there, hot stuff.

You're kind of cute!

Aren't you fabio?

Yes, I am.


Will you be interested

in going out with me sometime?

Ugh! Uhh!


I'll take that as a no.


Wasn't that fabio?

Nice try, Jamaica.

But I didn't hire him!


I made a mistake.

My baby needs a father.

Come back!


You think you're big!

Get a load of me,
mother clucker!

Notch! No!

No, Notch!

Go! Go! Don't worry, Kimberlee.

I know what I'm doing.

Notch, save yourself.
Just leave me.

Come on, you big chicken.

Eat me! Eat me!

What are you, chicken?

Make a break for it, Kimberlee.

Now! Run!

Hey! Watch the teeth.

Aah! Aah!



Aah! Daddy! Aah!

Run, professor. A
bomb's about to go off.

Bye, bye, birdie!

Come on! Run!


Father, I am so
happy to see you.

And I am happy to see you.

I guess my plan to
create a giant chicken

was a failure. You
might say I laid an egg.


Oh, Notch, how can
I ever repay you?

How about a hug?

Oh! Ugh! Mind if I
take a rain chick?

So, grandfather,
did everyone live

happily ever after?

Well, "Kimberlee finally got

"the privacy she wanted.

And, action!

Grandfather, reading:
"Porcelain found the fame

"she so desperately sought.

And, of course, Notch
Johnson went on to win the..."

Taykakaka had a farm

ee-i, ee-i, oh

and on this farm
there was a chick

the biggest chick I know

With a cluck, cluck here

and a cluck, cluck there

♪ jimmy crack corn
and I don't care

ee-i, ee-i, oh

That was really quite good.

Gracias, mi amigos!

And grandson, that's
tonight's story.

Well, sayonara.

So, grandfather, is there really

such a thing as a giant chicken?

Of course not!

It's just an old,
subservient-Japanese- wives' tale.

Good night.

Oh, hi teens!

Notch Johnson, here.

Tonight's show was our
salute to Asian people.

Now, how many of you teens

know your wang from yourwu wu?

Not many.

That's why the folks at
Notch Johnson productions

have come up with this
marvelous new game show called...

That's right, who is hu?

The show where you,
the audience,

try to guess the home country

of a spicy hot Asian gal.

Ok, here's your first hint.

And no looking at
my card, that'speking.

Ok, Asian hottie
number one, Amber,

comes from a land
that represses its people

but makes a great shrimp
with lobster sauce.

Well, if you guessed
Thailand, you'd be wong...


No, the answer is China.
You see, Amber is a ho.

Well, as you can see,
this show can't miss.

So until next time, this is your
host Notch Johnson saying...