Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 1 - Penetration Island - full transcript
Richard Hatch.
You called, sir?
I wanna shoot the kibitz
with you about...
Mr. Finklestein, I'm pretty
uncomfortable talking
with someone else in the room.
Oh, you're absolutely right.
Hey, honey...
You got the job. Mazel tov.
Whoo, doggie!
That little filly can suck
the stuffing out of a kishke.
Now, hatch, take a look
at all those monitors
and tell me what you see.
I'll tell you what you see.
223 channels.
Well, hatch,
I want people watching
only one channel... Mine!
What the Sam Hillstein
is going on here?
Remember, sir, all the schools
and post offices are closed.
It's Notch Johnson's birthday.
We wish you a happy birthday
we wish you a happy birthday
we wish you a happy birthday
and we wish you a happy birthday
Oh, thank you.
You know, my friends,
it's not every day
that Notch Johnson reaches
the ripe old age of...
30.
And what better way to celebrate
than here
with my special friends
from the Notch Johnson home
for orphans and retards.
I know you're excited,
yippie, but, um,
that's not the way to show it.
Heh heh heh!
Folks, recently the Notch Johnson
home for orphans and retards
burnt down due to a tragic
fart lighting accident.
And all that was left
was this statue.
To rebuild, we're gonna
need a million dollars.
And that's a lot of wetbacks.
So give, give! Till
you scream in pain...
To the Notch Johnson home...
For orphans and retards.
Hoo-hoo! That's it!
I want a show for that guy!
Tonight's episode...
Welcome, SPF-30,
to the beautiful central
American island of Bulimia,
a wholly owned subsidiary
of the UBM land development
corporation.
Excuse me, isn't this the island
that was sold and the new owners
kicked out all the natives?
No, no. No, that's Manhattan.
Seriously, where did
all the Bulimian natives go?
They all went to beautiful
homes on the mainland.
Not to worry.
Each and every native
of Bulimia,
or Bulimic, was compensated
with a year's supply
of Mike's hard lemonade.
Mike's hard lemonade,
because life's never hard
with Mike's.
Now, here's the whole idea
of the show Penetration Island.
We get together a group
of very close friends...
Yeah! Yes!
Destroy their friendship...
And send them home humiliated.
Well, no one's gonna
penetrate my unit.
And if we stay together,
we'll win $1 million.
And with all that scratch,
we're gonna rebuild
the Notch Johnson home
for orphans and retards.
Yeah!
Well, before we start the game,
why don't you take 20 minutes,
look around,
really get a taste of Bulimia.
My name's B.J. Cummings,
and I'm originally from
Clinton, Ar-Kansas.
I'm a lifeguard and a virgin.
That means I've never had
any meat in my skillet.
I'm Jamaica St. Croix.
I'm from the ghettos
of south central
Malibu Adjacent,
and if they think
they gonna bust up
the SPF-30... tsk!
They don't know
how tight my posse is.
Guten tag. My name
is Chip Rommel.
I'm an exchange lifeguard
from Germany.
My hobbies include
working out, exercising,
and going to the gym.
I'm Kimberlee Clark.
I'm from Doylestown,
Pennsylvania.
Um, I'm here for Notch.
It'll be nice to spend
some time with him.
Maybe this will give us a chance
to develop more
mature relationship.
I'm Notch Johnson.
I'm the world's
greatest lifeguard.
I'm here because
I'm determined to win
the $1 million.
Plus the humidity will be
really good for my backne.
Ok, SPF-30,
it's time to play
Penetration Island.
You guys had a long
trip over here,
and I imagine you're
pretty hungry, right?
Yeah!
Let me ask you a question...
Who likes fresh-picked greens?
Oh, I know I do.
Yeah! Hell, yeah!
Great, great, because
you're about to eat
fresh-picked boogers.
Huh?!
Ugh! Ugh!
Oh, my god!
And what if we refuse?
Then you go home with nothing.
I thought this was gonna be fun.
This is fun!
Look, Mr. Host,
you can't expect us
to eat boogers.
Unless we know
where they came from.
You are absolutely right.
So let me introduce you
to the proud donor.
I want you all to meet spank.
Spank the monkey?
You really want us to eat this?
Not only eat.
You have to swallow it.
I have no problem swallowing,
but there's only
one way I can do this.
Ugh!
Well, what do you think, Chip?
I don't mind the boogers.
What I'm really afraid of
are little monkeys.
Guess Jamaica
didn't care for it.
It's up to you, Kimberlee.
Ugh!
You're up, snots Johnson.
Notch, Notch!
Notch, you only have to eat one.
Are you crazy?
These monkey boogers
are better than my own.
Well, they've made it
through the booger challenge,
but let's see if they can
survive what's next
on Penetration Island.
So you still think you're
gonna win a million dollars?
Oh. Yeah. Please. Yeah
well, we have some folks who
might want to make sure you don't.
They're moles that
we call penetrators.
So let's meet our first
potential penetrator.
Tyreece.
My name is Tyreece.
I'm a 26-year old
Harvard graduate
and successful
investment banker.
I plan on retiring
at 30 with a big package.
I really want
to give it up to the right man.
I wouldn't mind
starting out with a brother.
But I don't know.
Do black men like blonde girls?
Ohh, whee!
That boy be fine!
He be one classy Oreo.
And you know what
I do with Oreos?
I take my tongue
and lick out all the cream.
Next up, meet Colin.
I'm Colin.
I'm a captain in the
United States air force.
My hobbies are bungee
jumping and bare-knuckle boxing.
But I also have a softer side.
I like guns.
Just kidding.
Believe it or not,
I like to bake.
Colin seems nice. Ha ha.
He's got Notch beat
in the looks department,
but I still like Notch.
Our next potential penetrator
comes all the way from Germany.
Meet Myna Kampf.
Hello.
My name is Myna Kampf,
and I'm a designer from Hamburg.
My special interests include
reading, knitting,
and self-mutilation.
I can't believe it!
Myna was my high-school
sweetheart back in Hamburg.
We're both hamburgers.
And our last,
but certainly not least,
potential penetrator,
Porcelain Bidet.
My name is Porcelain Bidet.
I'm an actress from New Orleans,
and I was voted 1998's
miss blackened swordfish.
I want to thank Mr. Tex
Finklestein from UBM
for making me a part of
his job-for-a-job program.
Shalom, Tex.
That Porcelain Bidet
is something else.
The first time
I saw her, I got a...
Well, to use a scientific term,
a big boner.
So these are
the possible penetrators.
They'll tempt you.
They'll seduce you.
They may even turn you
against each other.
But one of these people is here
to help you win
a million dollars.
Which one could it be?
Hey, sir, the instant
numbers are in.
We're doing a 32 rating.
Whoo-hoo!
I'll be hogtied and
schmaltzed like a herring.
It's a mitzvah.
Hatch,
them numbers aren't good enough.
See, we haven't succeeded
until every one of them TV sets
is tuned to Penetration Island.
We drew the best
assignment, Myna.
I like getting wood.
Do you remember our
first date, my little schatzie?
I sure do,
my cuddly Klaus Barbie doll.
I took you to a book burning.
You were so beautiful
next to the fire.
Myna! What did I do?
I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
I just thought...
Maybe you might enjoy it.
Enjoy getting slapped?
Hmm?
Maybe I do.
I got to get to Tyreece.
But he ain't no homeboy.
So maybe I need to act white.
So, Tyreece,
you're a Harvard man?
I have a brother who's in pen.
Penn's terrific! What year?
His first, but he'll be out
in 2 for good behavior.
I can see Jamaica getting
her claws into Tyreece,
so I'm going to fight
water with water.
I'm going to outblack Jamaica.
Yo, yo, yo, Tyreece.
Boo-ya, dawg.
don't you just detest it
when trailer trash tries
to speak with an urban dialect?
Excuse me?
Don't diss me,
'cause I will O.J. Your ass.
Oh, is that right?
Let me just tell you
something, little Blondie...
You ain't black,
and your mama ugly.
Wait a second.
Where be Tyreece?
Don't you get it?
He could be a penetrator.
Yeah.
That mo-fo might be trying
to drive a wedgie between us.
Which is why
we have to stick together.
Word up, my sista.
Being with Colin feels great.
He's so easy to talk to.
He's macho, but sensitive.
Maybe this is the kind
of guy I should go for.
So you're a trained
marine biologist?
Yeah, yeah.
5 years, UC Santa Barbara.
But then I got into lifesaving
so I could, um...
You know, make a difference.
And so you could be near Notch?
What do you mean?
It's written all over your face.
You... you really like him.
I've taken quite
a shine to Porcelain.
She definitely gives me a, uh...
What's that other
scientific term?
Oh. A chubbie-wubbie.
Oh, Notch.
This Hawaiian tropic
suntan lotion feels so good.
Can you do it forever?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Uh...
Yeah, uh, that's a...
About all I've got right now,
but I could probably get
some more in about a half-hour.
I've always used men
as a means to an end.
See, I want to go
to L.A. and be a star,
and Notch Johnson
is going to be my ticket,
uh, you know, Porcelain,
since our chore is to
collect water for the campfire,
we should probably get started.
Oh, Notch, I hate chores,
but I love getting wet.
Let's skinny-dip.
Hey, wait for me!
Tomorrow, we take Bulimia back.
And I will leave the Mark of...
Tch, tch.
Dirty Sanchez.
Peas, peas, peas, peas
he's eating goober peas
goodness how delicious
eating goober peas
Ha ha ha.
Aw, thank you. Thank you.
There's nothing I love more
than a good public
domain campfire song.
Here's another.
Ok.
It's time for each of you
to go to your own tent.
But if you should get lonely,
feel free to go
to someone else's tent
and have
unprotected sex on camera.
Ahem!
Well...
Night. Good night.
Good night. See ya. Bye.
It's weird.
Porcelain was staring at me
right in front of Kimberlee.
I've such fond feelings
for Kimberlee,
but Porcelain gives me a...
What's that third
scientific term?
Oh. A Dr. Bloodmuscle.
Got any room in your bag for me?
Ooh.
Oh! Uhh!
So Porcelain thinks
she can get Notch.
Well, 2 can play at that game.
You know,
I don't usually
say thing like this,
but that Porcelain is a bitch.
Notch, I'd love to be
a Victoria's secret model.
Think I got a shot?
Uh, f-f-f-f-f-f...
F-F...
Notch, I could listen
to you talk all night,
but I want to make love.
Ok.
I just need about 20 seconds.
You putting on something sexy?
You might say that.
And now I'm ready
for you, my darling.
Hold on.
Shouldn't be a problem.
And now I'm yours, my darling.
You don't have a
tire-repair kit, do you?
No, I don't.
I don't understand.
All day long, it was
working on its own.
Wait. I've got an idea.
Knock, knock.
I thought you might
like some company.
Great. Uh...
I'm glad you're here.
Make yourself comfortable.
I wanted to... Talk to you...
About...
Colin, there's a time for talk
and a time for action.
Kimberlee, would you
care for some fudge?
I baked it myself.
Mmm.
Mmm. Tastes good.
But I know something
that would taste...
Even better.
Uh, uh...
Kimberlee, I... I... I...
Did you know this is the
first tent I ever pitched...
With a woman?
Kimberlee, I'm gay.
I knew the chewing
gum would work.
So much for making
Notch jealous. Ha ha.
I can see why you'd
go for a guy like Notch.
He's dreamy.
That plush head of hair,
his Adonis-like physique.
Oh, what I'd do for one
serving of that man-ass.
Wow.
You really are gay.
That Tyreece is the.
There's something about that
Oreo thing that's got me all crazy.
But Tyreece could be
a penetrator.
That would
destroy our whole unit.
Uhh.
It's not fair
I know that Tyreece
can stop the tingling
in my naughty no-fly zone.
But he might be out to hurt us.
Have you been bad?
Ja, I've been very bad.
What does mommy do
with a bad doggie?
She punishes him?
Ow! Uhh...
Now bark like
the doggie that you are.
Ow! Ruff! Ruff!
Grrrr! Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ja...
Eat it, Hans.
Eat it!
Eat it!
Ohh! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
Grrrr!
I hate being a virgin!
I can't take it anymore.
I know it's wrong,
but I gotta have Tyreece.
Ok, Tyreece.
I'm here to give you
my... vaginity.
Uh, B.J.? I don't think
this is a good time.
I'd say it isn't, B.J.
Jamaica? What are
you doing here?
Me? We had an agreement.
You said you were
gonna back off.
Now get started.
Oh, no, you don't!
Come on.
Stupid Blondie. All right,
Blondie. Let's take it outside.
I can't believe you did that!
What's wrong with you?
What the...
Hey, you two, knock it off!
Knock it off right now!
Don't stop the
fight, Notch. It's fun.
Why don't you
shut up, Porcelain?
Kimberly! You should
never dump on Porcelain!
It's ok, Notch. I'm used to it.
A lot of woman want to be me.
Be you?
You're not even all you.
Oh!
Look at you two now.
I don't even want to know.
Get back here, you two.
Kimberlee, what were
you thinking here?
What the heck's goin' on here?
Is this part of the show?
Not in my script, and it's
definitely not part of my deal.
Your deal?
What about my people's deal?
Your bosses at UBM
stole our island.
What you have done
to Bulimia is a crime.
You speak of crimes. Easy to
hit a man when you've got a gun!
No, it is easier to shoot a
man when you got a gun.
I am taking Bulimia back.
And if you interfere,
you will suffer his fate.
You listen to me,
Mr. Rebel leader,
I hate to use the "F" word,
but you are a fink.
Aah!
Aah!
Who wants to be next? Because
if my demands are not met,
each one of you,
one by one, will also die.
This is UBM.
I'm your handsome
UBM anchorperson.
UBM is bringing you coverage
of a tragic story
out of the central American
island of Bulimia.
World's greatest lifeguard
Notch Johnson
has been killed
and his crew taken hostage.
All this before
an audience of millions
watching the UBM reality
show Penetration Island,
which is only seen here on UBM.
I'm getting some news here.
Apparently, rebel leader
dirty Sanchez
is about to make a statement.
Now listen to me, world.
The beautiful island of
Bulimia used to be our island
until UBM came
and stole it from us.
Well, now, you are going
to pay for that.
I want $10 million
and a guarantee that UBM
leave this island for good.
And if I don't get a call on my
Ericsson cell phone in 5 minutes,
still more blood
will be on your hands.
You bastard.
You killed Notch Johnson.
A man who only did
good and helped people!
How can you pick on a
poor defenseless woman?
You don't have the
cugels to do that to me.
My cugels!
I just can't get it through
my head that Notch is gone!
I mean, when I first met him,
I didn't quite understand him,
but then I got to know him,
and I still
didn't understand him,
but who cares?
I loved him.
I miss Notch. He was
like a father to me.
Without all the French-kissing.
Why are you doing this, Sanchez?
Yeah! What be's the 411, Holmes?
See, I enjoy
talking like a black.
Shut up!
Now, vomitos!
That's Bulimic for "move it!"
Move it!
My name is dirty Sanchez.
I have a pretty good job.
I am a rebel leader.
My hobbies are murder,
holding tourists for ransom,
and taking long walks
on the beach.
As you just saw,
Sanchez is talking tough.
Moments ago, I caught up with
UBM vice president Richard hatch,
who was on his way to the YMCA.
Sir, UBM is continuing to
broadcast the show live.
How do you respond to those
who say this is just
a ratings ploy?
Ah, to the contrary.
In fact, we feel
it's a public service.
We take no pleasure
in people's pain.
Yee-haw!
We've just gotten word
that one of
the original penetrators,
Porcelain Bidet,
escaped from dirty Sanchez
and has been stuck in the bush.
I can't believe I'm in
this godforsaken jungle.
You know, when I
signed up for this show,
I wasn't told people
were going to die.
If I'd known, I'd at
least gotten paid for it.
Aah!
Notch! You're alive?!
It's a miracle. I was falling,
and suddenly I was blown...
Over here.
God must have broken
his wind in my direction.
What are these
cameras doing here?
They're still filming
that TV show live.
Can we go home now?
That's great.
'Cause I got a message for
this stinking dirty Sanchez.
If he harms even
one hair on my unit,
then he is gonna pay
the ultimate price. Death.
Or, at the very least,
a good talking to.
Now let's go save some lives.
You heard it here first.
Notch Johnson is alive.
We're gonna
stick with this story
to provide
live, continuous coverage.
We go now to the rebel camp,
where dirty Sanchez and
his hostages are arriving.
Are we live?
Bueno.
Time has passed, and still my
Ericsson cell phone does not ring.
Que lástima. What a pity.
But since you people
out there in TV land
like these so-called
reality shows,
why don't we play one, huh?
I call this one,
who wants to stay alive?
How can you be such a meanie?
I learned everything I know
from this man!
I knew this trip was doomed.
On the plane coming here,
they served me a kosher meal.
Gracias, mis amigos.
And welcome to
who wants to stay alive?
Señor host, are you nervous?
Uh, yeah.
Well, why wouldn't you be?
You're life is in jeopardy.
Another good game show.
Uh, listen, I don't know
why you'd wanna kill me.
I do very well
with Latino busboys,
18 to 49.
Por favor.
Shut up!
Now let me explain
how this game works.
I will ask you a question.
If you answer
correctly, you live.
If you don't... Show
him what he'll get.
What do you say we play
Who Wants to Stay Alive?
Ok, for your life, which
actor played the dad
on the TV series Ocho is Enough?
Was it...
I'm not so good
on these test things.
Except for my
vaginacological exam.
I really crammed for that.
Can he at least call a lifeline?
Sí.
Press one on the speed dial.
Hola, this is your lifeline.
Um, who played the father
on eight is enough?
Hmm, let's see.
Sorry, don't know.
Your time is up. Take a guess.
You know, the problem is is I have
to choose between all these dicks.
Are those your last words?
You mean is that
your final answer?
I meant those were
your last words.
The correct answer was
"D", Ricardo Montalban.
Thank you for playing.
For those of you
just joining us,
the host of Penetration Island
was beheaded just moments ago.
We're sorry we had to
subject you at home
to that gruesome act,
but if you missed it,
here it is again in slow motion.
But all this killing hasn't stopped
comedians from making jokes.
Boy, and how about those rebels
on Penetration Island?
They killed 2 more people today.
Did you see that?
I tell ya, I think
I liked Bulimia better
when it was just
an eating disorder.
Apparently Notch Johnson
and Porcelain Bidet
are still looking
for the location
where their colleagues
are being held.
Let's go to them live in the
middle of the hot, Bulimian jungle.
As I walk through this jungle,
hungry, tired,
I'm thinking about
the thing I need most.
An agent.
This rebel camp
could be anywhere.
We're not lost, are we?
Excuse me, miss. We're
looking for the rebel camp.
Can you help us?
Help you?
If you were lying there,
dying of thirst, I wouldn't
even give you a drink of water.
I'd let the vultures come
and take you
and do whatever they may
with you, with no ill regrets.
Huh?
Have a nice day.
Thanks.
Notch, I'm hungry.
My survival skills will save us.
Being stuck in the bush
has never been a problem
for a guy like me.
This forest is full
of nature's bounty.
Look! A banana tree! Ha ha ha!
We can live off
the bark for weeks.
Here, try.
Pass.
Mmm. Tasty.
Notch, I hope we
make it out of here.
I still have so much left
to do with my life.
When I was a little girl,
I'd lie in my crib
and watch this TV show
called... Baywatch.
Is that the show that
makes fun of lifeguards?
Yes. But seeing
those wonderful actresses
made me want to do something
with my enormous gifts.
And if we ever
get out of here...
Excuse me, Porcelain. Uh...
I'm not feeling so well.
Uh, let's take this opportunity
to go to the rebel camp
where I understand that Sanchez
is playing more sadistic games.
You and you,
you are supposed to be the moles
on Penetration Island, no?
This is your challenge:
You must put your
hand on this tree.
The first one
to let go gets shot.
And the winner gets
a nice luxury item.
Ready? Go!
This game is so sadistic.
I'm not worried
about Colin, though,
because he's in the military.
He will tough it out.
Oh, look, isn't
that Bette Midler?
Where?
Of course, he's also gay.
I win!
She got you, moricone.
The group has spoken.
It is time for you to go.
No! No!
You goddamn psycho!
Kimberlee, watch your language!
We're on television.
First Notch, now Colin.
I mean, even though he was gay,
we were still gonna be friends.
When we got back to the states,
he was gonna give me
a... A makeover.
Colin's been eliminated,
and we understand Notch
is still eliminating.
What am I gonna do
for toilet paper?
Oh, wait. I know.
Hey,
it's spank the monkey!
Uh, no, thanks, spank.
I just had lunch,
but, uh, you don't have
an extra diaper, do ya?
Ok. Thought I'd ask.
Spank, do you have
any idea where Sanchez
might have taken my crew?
Ha ha. Ungawa.
Ungawa.
Apparently, Sanchez
is dirtier than we thought.
Myna had won that game
and was supposed to get
a luxury item.
Turns out that
luxury item was death.
I can't believe dirty Sanchez
lied to us.
Myna's gone.
When I'm naughty,
who will spank my bare bottom?
Now myna's in heaven
with our lord,
mayor McJesus.
We need to get off this island.
I mean, Notch Johnson
is missing his friends,
but I'm missing pilot season.
A few minutes ago,
we removed 2 nasty moles,
and now all that is left
is the famous...
SPF-30.
But since corporate America
has not called me
on my Ericsson cell phone,
one of you must die.
Look! My crew's alive!
Oh, thank god!
We are going to make
this game interesting...
Just like your reality shows.
You will get to vote to see
who will be killed first.
Listen, dirty Sanchez,
this voting against
each other is sick.
Yeah. What is this,
Sophie's Choice?
Shut up and vote!
I can't stand seeing my crew
have to vote against
each other like this.
Poor Chip. I'm
like his step-fuhrer.
Sweet, chocolaty Jamaica.
And B.J., she's so much like me.
If I had blonde
hair, big breasts,
and no overbite.
Look, guys,
I don't know about you,
but...
I don't wanna die.
I don't want to vote
for someone else to die.
Be quiet and play the game.
B.J., don't vote for me because
I hooked up with Tyreece.
If it means anything,
he was hung like a white guy.
How could I vote for you?
I don't know how
to spell your name.
I just want to say
to all of you...
If I've done anything
to offend you...
Or committed any atrocities...
I'm so sorry.
Guys, working on the SPF-30
has been the greatest
experience of my life.
Especially working with Notch.
Oh, Notch, I miss you.
Can you turn
that thing off, please?
The moment of truth has arrived.
Now cast your ballots,
and we'll see who lives...
And who dies.
And see who will be
the first to be killed.
I gotta come up with
a plan to save them.
There's only one problem.
This is where Kimberlee
usually helps me
think of something.
She really knows how
to use her head.
And the winner is...
Or in this case, the loser is...
I'd say the loser is you,
dirty Sanchez!
Notch Johnson!
How could you still be alive?!
That's for me to know
and for you to find out.
¡Huevos rancheros, mi amigos!
Aah!
Porcelain! Give me a hand.
Notch!
Kimberlee.
Go ahead and shoot her,
but your bullets will have
to go through me first.
You would waste your life
for this beach?
First of all, it's not "beach."
It's bitch,
and this bitch just happens
to be my solid number 2.
She may also be my gi...
My googer...
My girlyfriend.
Oh, Notch, you mean it?
Can I get back to you on that?
Then I will just have
to kill you, Mr. Notch Johnson.
No! No!
But this time,
I will finish the job.
Notch! No! Notch!
No!
No!
Oh, my god!
No!
Sanchez, what the
is going on here?
Don't look at me, babe.
I'm just an actor.
I guess it's time to let you in
on our little secret.
I thought you were dead.
Not now, Kimberlee.
I want to hear the secret.
No, I'm not dead.
Notch Johnson is also
quite alive.
I am?
As a matter of fact,
nobody died here.
The bullets, all fakes.
Ok, Mr. Host, if indeed
that is your real name,
I want to know
what's going on here.
Was this just a TV show
done in the name of ratings?
Not just a television show,
Mr. Johnson.
Who are you?
I'm Tex Finklestein.
And this was all my idea.
You see, my goy,
Penetration Island was
never just a television show.
Ha ha.
No, thanks to you, I reckon,
this is the biggest damn magilla
in the history of mass media.
Mr. Finklestein,
you make me sick.
Playing with people's lives
in front of the whole world?
When are you
TV executives gonna see
that you've taken this whole
reality programming thing too far?
Yeah, Kimberlee's right.
We need to get back to good
old-fashioned scripted shows.
With story arcs and good actors
like Stephen Urkel.
Yeah, Mr. Hebrew cowboy.
We want laugh tracks.
And theme songs that are
always on the tip of your throat.
Yeah! Show me a reality show
where somebody says, "shazam,"
or, "power to the moon,"
or, "I'm comin', 'Lizabeth!"
You want that, don't you?
Well, it's up to you!
You have to demand
scripted programming,
so right now, I want you
to get up off your couches,
I want you to go to your windows
and shout, "I want
scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!"
Come on, everybody, do it!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
You see, Mr. Frankenstein,
your reality programming is
nothing but a big ugly skid Mark
on the clean white TV landscape.
Now you hold your
horseradish, partner.
You seem to forget
you just won 1 million bucks
fair and square.
Now we can rebuild the
orphans and retards home.
Ha ha ha, yeah.
Tex, remember me?
No.
Show him the top
of your head, Porcelain.
Very funny, Kimberlee.
Oh, yeah.
Nice to see you again.
Uh, oh, Tex, I have this project
I want to talk to you about...
Uh, Kimberlee,
I have a confession to make.
Without you by my side,
I didn't know
what to do out there.
Oh, Notch.
I've learned to count
on you as my right hand,
and I always need my right
hand to make me feel good.
Ohh...
Oh, hey, just out of curiosity,
who did you guys
vote off the planet?
Ooh...
Ahh...
We're not just a unit.
We're a family.
Ohh...
Peas, peas, peas, peas
bean and goober peas
goodness how delicious
Eating goober peas
Ha ha!
Son of the Beach will
return after this.
Hi, teens. Notch Johnson here.
Ha ha. Hey, you caught me.
I was just playing with myself.
Actually, teens, this is
one of my new action figures
available from N2 Toys.
You see, tonight's show
was about product placement.
Now what is product placement?
Well, advertisers will pay
to have their products
seen or mentioned
on a television show.
For example,
every time I hold up
this delicious bag of Doritos...
I can make money.
Popeye's chicken...
Krispy kreme doughnuts.
Hey, is today Tuesday?
That means it's
Hormel chili day.
And after all that food,
I'm gonna want to wash it down
with an ice-cold Coca-Cola...
While wearing
silhouette sunglasses.
But not before I drive home
in my brand-new Chrysler
Sebring convertible!
So that's product placement,
but, teens, do you
think for a second
that your Notch Johnson's gonna
fall for such crass commercialism?
No way, José...
Cuervo.
So until next time,
You called, sir?
I wanna shoot the kibitz
with you about...
Mr. Finklestein, I'm pretty
uncomfortable talking
with someone else in the room.
Oh, you're absolutely right.
Hey, honey...
You got the job. Mazel tov.
Whoo, doggie!
That little filly can suck
the stuffing out of a kishke.
Now, hatch, take a look
at all those monitors
and tell me what you see.
I'll tell you what you see.
223 channels.
Well, hatch,
I want people watching
only one channel... Mine!
What the Sam Hillstein
is going on here?
Remember, sir, all the schools
and post offices are closed.
It's Notch Johnson's birthday.
We wish you a happy birthday
we wish you a happy birthday
we wish you a happy birthday
and we wish you a happy birthday
Oh, thank you.
You know, my friends,
it's not every day
that Notch Johnson reaches
the ripe old age of...
30.
And what better way to celebrate
than here
with my special friends
from the Notch Johnson home
for orphans and retards.
I know you're excited,
yippie, but, um,
that's not the way to show it.
Heh heh heh!
Folks, recently the Notch Johnson
home for orphans and retards
burnt down due to a tragic
fart lighting accident.
And all that was left
was this statue.
To rebuild, we're gonna
need a million dollars.
And that's a lot of wetbacks.
So give, give! Till
you scream in pain...
To the Notch Johnson home...
For orphans and retards.
Hoo-hoo! That's it!
I want a show for that guy!
Tonight's episode...
Welcome, SPF-30,
to the beautiful central
American island of Bulimia,
a wholly owned subsidiary
of the UBM land development
corporation.
Excuse me, isn't this the island
that was sold and the new owners
kicked out all the natives?
No, no. No, that's Manhattan.
Seriously, where did
all the Bulimian natives go?
They all went to beautiful
homes on the mainland.
Not to worry.
Each and every native
of Bulimia,
or Bulimic, was compensated
with a year's supply
of Mike's hard lemonade.
Mike's hard lemonade,
because life's never hard
with Mike's.
Now, here's the whole idea
of the show Penetration Island.
We get together a group
of very close friends...
Yeah! Yes!
Destroy their friendship...
And send them home humiliated.
Well, no one's gonna
penetrate my unit.
And if we stay together,
we'll win $1 million.
And with all that scratch,
we're gonna rebuild
the Notch Johnson home
for orphans and retards.
Yeah!
Well, before we start the game,
why don't you take 20 minutes,
look around,
really get a taste of Bulimia.
My name's B.J. Cummings,
and I'm originally from
Clinton, Ar-Kansas.
I'm a lifeguard and a virgin.
That means I've never had
any meat in my skillet.
I'm Jamaica St. Croix.
I'm from the ghettos
of south central
Malibu Adjacent,
and if they think
they gonna bust up
the SPF-30... tsk!
They don't know
how tight my posse is.
Guten tag. My name
is Chip Rommel.
I'm an exchange lifeguard
from Germany.
My hobbies include
working out, exercising,
and going to the gym.
I'm Kimberlee Clark.
I'm from Doylestown,
Pennsylvania.
Um, I'm here for Notch.
It'll be nice to spend
some time with him.
Maybe this will give us a chance
to develop more
mature relationship.
I'm Notch Johnson.
I'm the world's
greatest lifeguard.
I'm here because
I'm determined to win
the $1 million.
Plus the humidity will be
really good for my backne.
Ok, SPF-30,
it's time to play
Penetration Island.
You guys had a long
trip over here,
and I imagine you're
pretty hungry, right?
Yeah!
Let me ask you a question...
Who likes fresh-picked greens?
Oh, I know I do.
Yeah! Hell, yeah!
Great, great, because
you're about to eat
fresh-picked boogers.
Huh?!
Ugh! Ugh!
Oh, my god!
And what if we refuse?
Then you go home with nothing.
I thought this was gonna be fun.
This is fun!
Look, Mr. Host,
you can't expect us
to eat boogers.
Unless we know
where they came from.
You are absolutely right.
So let me introduce you
to the proud donor.
I want you all to meet spank.
Spank the monkey?
You really want us to eat this?
Not only eat.
You have to swallow it.
I have no problem swallowing,
but there's only
one way I can do this.
Ugh!
Well, what do you think, Chip?
I don't mind the boogers.
What I'm really afraid of
are little monkeys.
Guess Jamaica
didn't care for it.
It's up to you, Kimberlee.
Ugh!
You're up, snots Johnson.
Notch, Notch!
Notch, you only have to eat one.
Are you crazy?
These monkey boogers
are better than my own.
Well, they've made it
through the booger challenge,
but let's see if they can
survive what's next
on Penetration Island.
So you still think you're
gonna win a million dollars?
Oh. Yeah. Please. Yeah
well, we have some folks who
might want to make sure you don't.
They're moles that
we call penetrators.
So let's meet our first
potential penetrator.
Tyreece.
My name is Tyreece.
I'm a 26-year old
Harvard graduate
and successful
investment banker.
I plan on retiring
at 30 with a big package.
I really want
to give it up to the right man.
I wouldn't mind
starting out with a brother.
But I don't know.
Do black men like blonde girls?
Ohh, whee!
That boy be fine!
He be one classy Oreo.
And you know what
I do with Oreos?
I take my tongue
and lick out all the cream.
Next up, meet Colin.
I'm Colin.
I'm a captain in the
United States air force.
My hobbies are bungee
jumping and bare-knuckle boxing.
But I also have a softer side.
I like guns.
Just kidding.
Believe it or not,
I like to bake.
Colin seems nice. Ha ha.
He's got Notch beat
in the looks department,
but I still like Notch.
Our next potential penetrator
comes all the way from Germany.
Meet Myna Kampf.
Hello.
My name is Myna Kampf,
and I'm a designer from Hamburg.
My special interests include
reading, knitting,
and self-mutilation.
I can't believe it!
Myna was my high-school
sweetheart back in Hamburg.
We're both hamburgers.
And our last,
but certainly not least,
potential penetrator,
Porcelain Bidet.
My name is Porcelain Bidet.
I'm an actress from New Orleans,
and I was voted 1998's
miss blackened swordfish.
I want to thank Mr. Tex
Finklestein from UBM
for making me a part of
his job-for-a-job program.
Shalom, Tex.
That Porcelain Bidet
is something else.
The first time
I saw her, I got a...
Well, to use a scientific term,
a big boner.
So these are
the possible penetrators.
They'll tempt you.
They'll seduce you.
They may even turn you
against each other.
But one of these people is here
to help you win
a million dollars.
Which one could it be?
Hey, sir, the instant
numbers are in.
We're doing a 32 rating.
Whoo-hoo!
I'll be hogtied and
schmaltzed like a herring.
It's a mitzvah.
Hatch,
them numbers aren't good enough.
See, we haven't succeeded
until every one of them TV sets
is tuned to Penetration Island.
We drew the best
assignment, Myna.
I like getting wood.
Do you remember our
first date, my little schatzie?
I sure do,
my cuddly Klaus Barbie doll.
I took you to a book burning.
You were so beautiful
next to the fire.
Myna! What did I do?
I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
I just thought...
Maybe you might enjoy it.
Enjoy getting slapped?
Hmm?
Maybe I do.
I got to get to Tyreece.
But he ain't no homeboy.
So maybe I need to act white.
So, Tyreece,
you're a Harvard man?
I have a brother who's in pen.
Penn's terrific! What year?
His first, but he'll be out
in 2 for good behavior.
I can see Jamaica getting
her claws into Tyreece,
so I'm going to fight
water with water.
I'm going to outblack Jamaica.
Yo, yo, yo, Tyreece.
Boo-ya, dawg.
don't you just detest it
when trailer trash tries
to speak with an urban dialect?
Excuse me?
Don't diss me,
'cause I will O.J. Your ass.
Oh, is that right?
Let me just tell you
something, little Blondie...
You ain't black,
and your mama ugly.
Wait a second.
Where be Tyreece?
Don't you get it?
He could be a penetrator.
Yeah.
That mo-fo might be trying
to drive a wedgie between us.
Which is why
we have to stick together.
Word up, my sista.
Being with Colin feels great.
He's so easy to talk to.
He's macho, but sensitive.
Maybe this is the kind
of guy I should go for.
So you're a trained
marine biologist?
Yeah, yeah.
5 years, UC Santa Barbara.
But then I got into lifesaving
so I could, um...
You know, make a difference.
And so you could be near Notch?
What do you mean?
It's written all over your face.
You... you really like him.
I've taken quite
a shine to Porcelain.
She definitely gives me a, uh...
What's that other
scientific term?
Oh. A chubbie-wubbie.
Oh, Notch.
This Hawaiian tropic
suntan lotion feels so good.
Can you do it forever?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Uh...
Yeah, uh, that's a...
About all I've got right now,
but I could probably get
some more in about a half-hour.
I've always used men
as a means to an end.
See, I want to go
to L.A. and be a star,
and Notch Johnson
is going to be my ticket,
uh, you know, Porcelain,
since our chore is to
collect water for the campfire,
we should probably get started.
Oh, Notch, I hate chores,
but I love getting wet.
Let's skinny-dip.
Hey, wait for me!
Tomorrow, we take Bulimia back.
And I will leave the Mark of...
Tch, tch.
Dirty Sanchez.
Peas, peas, peas, peas
he's eating goober peas
goodness how delicious
eating goober peas
Ha ha ha.
Aw, thank you. Thank you.
There's nothing I love more
than a good public
domain campfire song.
Here's another.
Ok.
It's time for each of you
to go to your own tent.
But if you should get lonely,
feel free to go
to someone else's tent
and have
unprotected sex on camera.
Ahem!
Well...
Night. Good night.
Good night. See ya. Bye.
It's weird.
Porcelain was staring at me
right in front of Kimberlee.
I've such fond feelings
for Kimberlee,
but Porcelain gives me a...
What's that third
scientific term?
Oh. A Dr. Bloodmuscle.
Got any room in your bag for me?
Ooh.
Oh! Uhh!
So Porcelain thinks
she can get Notch.
Well, 2 can play at that game.
You know,
I don't usually
say thing like this,
but that Porcelain is a bitch.
Notch, I'd love to be
a Victoria's secret model.
Think I got a shot?
Uh, f-f-f-f-f-f...
F-F...
Notch, I could listen
to you talk all night,
but I want to make love.
Ok.
I just need about 20 seconds.
You putting on something sexy?
You might say that.
And now I'm ready
for you, my darling.
Hold on.
Shouldn't be a problem.
And now I'm yours, my darling.
You don't have a
tire-repair kit, do you?
No, I don't.
I don't understand.
All day long, it was
working on its own.
Wait. I've got an idea.
Knock, knock.
I thought you might
like some company.
Great. Uh...
I'm glad you're here.
Make yourself comfortable.
I wanted to... Talk to you...
About...
Colin, there's a time for talk
and a time for action.
Kimberlee, would you
care for some fudge?
I baked it myself.
Mmm.
Mmm. Tastes good.
But I know something
that would taste...
Even better.
Uh, uh...
Kimberlee, I... I... I...
Did you know this is the
first tent I ever pitched...
With a woman?
Kimberlee, I'm gay.
I knew the chewing
gum would work.
So much for making
Notch jealous. Ha ha.
I can see why you'd
go for a guy like Notch.
He's dreamy.
That plush head of hair,
his Adonis-like physique.
Oh, what I'd do for one
serving of that man-ass.
Wow.
You really are gay.
That Tyreece is the.
There's something about that
Oreo thing that's got me all crazy.
But Tyreece could be
a penetrator.
That would
destroy our whole unit.
Uhh.
It's not fair
I know that Tyreece
can stop the tingling
in my naughty no-fly zone.
But he might be out to hurt us.
Have you been bad?
Ja, I've been very bad.
What does mommy do
with a bad doggie?
She punishes him?
Ow! Uhh...
Now bark like
the doggie that you are.
Ow! Ruff! Ruff!
Grrrr! Ruff! Ruff!
Ruff! Ja...
Eat it, Hans.
Eat it!
Eat it!
Ohh! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!
Grrrr!
I hate being a virgin!
I can't take it anymore.
I know it's wrong,
but I gotta have Tyreece.
Ok, Tyreece.
I'm here to give you
my... vaginity.
Uh, B.J.? I don't think
this is a good time.
I'd say it isn't, B.J.
Jamaica? What are
you doing here?
Me? We had an agreement.
You said you were
gonna back off.
Now get started.
Oh, no, you don't!
Come on.
Stupid Blondie. All right,
Blondie. Let's take it outside.
I can't believe you did that!
What's wrong with you?
What the...
Hey, you two, knock it off!
Knock it off right now!
Don't stop the
fight, Notch. It's fun.
Why don't you
shut up, Porcelain?
Kimberly! You should
never dump on Porcelain!
It's ok, Notch. I'm used to it.
A lot of woman want to be me.
Be you?
You're not even all you.
Oh!
Look at you two now.
I don't even want to know.
Get back here, you two.
Kimberlee, what were
you thinking here?
What the heck's goin' on here?
Is this part of the show?
Not in my script, and it's
definitely not part of my deal.
Your deal?
What about my people's deal?
Your bosses at UBM
stole our island.
What you have done
to Bulimia is a crime.
You speak of crimes. Easy to
hit a man when you've got a gun!
No, it is easier to shoot a
man when you got a gun.
I am taking Bulimia back.
And if you interfere,
you will suffer his fate.
You listen to me,
Mr. Rebel leader,
I hate to use the "F" word,
but you are a fink.
Aah!
Aah!
Who wants to be next? Because
if my demands are not met,
each one of you,
one by one, will also die.
This is UBM.
I'm your handsome
UBM anchorperson.
UBM is bringing you coverage
of a tragic story
out of the central American
island of Bulimia.
World's greatest lifeguard
Notch Johnson
has been killed
and his crew taken hostage.
All this before
an audience of millions
watching the UBM reality
show Penetration Island,
which is only seen here on UBM.
I'm getting some news here.
Apparently, rebel leader
dirty Sanchez
is about to make a statement.
Now listen to me, world.
The beautiful island of
Bulimia used to be our island
until UBM came
and stole it from us.
Well, now, you are going
to pay for that.
I want $10 million
and a guarantee that UBM
leave this island for good.
And if I don't get a call on my
Ericsson cell phone in 5 minutes,
still more blood
will be on your hands.
You bastard.
You killed Notch Johnson.
A man who only did
good and helped people!
How can you pick on a
poor defenseless woman?
You don't have the
cugels to do that to me.
My cugels!
I just can't get it through
my head that Notch is gone!
I mean, when I first met him,
I didn't quite understand him,
but then I got to know him,
and I still
didn't understand him,
but who cares?
I loved him.
I miss Notch. He was
like a father to me.
Without all the French-kissing.
Why are you doing this, Sanchez?
Yeah! What be's the 411, Holmes?
See, I enjoy
talking like a black.
Shut up!
Now, vomitos!
That's Bulimic for "move it!"
Move it!
My name is dirty Sanchez.
I have a pretty good job.
I am a rebel leader.
My hobbies are murder,
holding tourists for ransom,
and taking long walks
on the beach.
As you just saw,
Sanchez is talking tough.
Moments ago, I caught up with
UBM vice president Richard hatch,
who was on his way to the YMCA.
Sir, UBM is continuing to
broadcast the show live.
How do you respond to those
who say this is just
a ratings ploy?
Ah, to the contrary.
In fact, we feel
it's a public service.
We take no pleasure
in people's pain.
Yee-haw!
We've just gotten word
that one of
the original penetrators,
Porcelain Bidet,
escaped from dirty Sanchez
and has been stuck in the bush.
I can't believe I'm in
this godforsaken jungle.
You know, when I
signed up for this show,
I wasn't told people
were going to die.
If I'd known, I'd at
least gotten paid for it.
Aah!
Notch! You're alive?!
It's a miracle. I was falling,
and suddenly I was blown...
Over here.
God must have broken
his wind in my direction.
What are these
cameras doing here?
They're still filming
that TV show live.
Can we go home now?
That's great.
'Cause I got a message for
this stinking dirty Sanchez.
If he harms even
one hair on my unit,
then he is gonna pay
the ultimate price. Death.
Or, at the very least,
a good talking to.
Now let's go save some lives.
You heard it here first.
Notch Johnson is alive.
We're gonna
stick with this story
to provide
live, continuous coverage.
We go now to the rebel camp,
where dirty Sanchez and
his hostages are arriving.
Are we live?
Bueno.
Time has passed, and still my
Ericsson cell phone does not ring.
Que lástima. What a pity.
But since you people
out there in TV land
like these so-called
reality shows,
why don't we play one, huh?
I call this one,
who wants to stay alive?
How can you be such a meanie?
I learned everything I know
from this man!
I knew this trip was doomed.
On the plane coming here,
they served me a kosher meal.
Gracias, mis amigos.
And welcome to
who wants to stay alive?
Señor host, are you nervous?
Uh, yeah.
Well, why wouldn't you be?
You're life is in jeopardy.
Another good game show.
Uh, listen, I don't know
why you'd wanna kill me.
I do very well
with Latino busboys,
18 to 49.
Por favor.
Shut up!
Now let me explain
how this game works.
I will ask you a question.
If you answer
correctly, you live.
If you don't... Show
him what he'll get.
What do you say we play
Who Wants to Stay Alive?
Ok, for your life, which
actor played the dad
on the TV series Ocho is Enough?
Was it...
I'm not so good
on these test things.
Except for my
vaginacological exam.
I really crammed for that.
Can he at least call a lifeline?
Sí.
Press one on the speed dial.
Hola, this is your lifeline.
Um, who played the father
on eight is enough?
Hmm, let's see.
Sorry, don't know.
Your time is up. Take a guess.
You know, the problem is is I have
to choose between all these dicks.
Are those your last words?
You mean is that
your final answer?
I meant those were
your last words.
The correct answer was
"D", Ricardo Montalban.
Thank you for playing.
For those of you
just joining us,
the host of Penetration Island
was beheaded just moments ago.
We're sorry we had to
subject you at home
to that gruesome act,
but if you missed it,
here it is again in slow motion.
But all this killing hasn't stopped
comedians from making jokes.
Boy, and how about those rebels
on Penetration Island?
They killed 2 more people today.
Did you see that?
I tell ya, I think
I liked Bulimia better
when it was just
an eating disorder.
Apparently Notch Johnson
and Porcelain Bidet
are still looking
for the location
where their colleagues
are being held.
Let's go to them live in the
middle of the hot, Bulimian jungle.
As I walk through this jungle,
hungry, tired,
I'm thinking about
the thing I need most.
An agent.
This rebel camp
could be anywhere.
We're not lost, are we?
Excuse me, miss. We're
looking for the rebel camp.
Can you help us?
Help you?
If you were lying there,
dying of thirst, I wouldn't
even give you a drink of water.
I'd let the vultures come
and take you
and do whatever they may
with you, with no ill regrets.
Huh?
Have a nice day.
Thanks.
Notch, I'm hungry.
My survival skills will save us.
Being stuck in the bush
has never been a problem
for a guy like me.
This forest is full
of nature's bounty.
Look! A banana tree! Ha ha ha!
We can live off
the bark for weeks.
Here, try.
Pass.
Mmm. Tasty.
Notch, I hope we
make it out of here.
I still have so much left
to do with my life.
When I was a little girl,
I'd lie in my crib
and watch this TV show
called... Baywatch.
Is that the show that
makes fun of lifeguards?
Yes. But seeing
those wonderful actresses
made me want to do something
with my enormous gifts.
And if we ever
get out of here...
Excuse me, Porcelain. Uh...
I'm not feeling so well.
Uh, let's take this opportunity
to go to the rebel camp
where I understand that Sanchez
is playing more sadistic games.
You and you,
you are supposed to be the moles
on Penetration Island, no?
This is your challenge:
You must put your
hand on this tree.
The first one
to let go gets shot.
And the winner gets
a nice luxury item.
Ready? Go!
This game is so sadistic.
I'm not worried
about Colin, though,
because he's in the military.
He will tough it out.
Oh, look, isn't
that Bette Midler?
Where?
Of course, he's also gay.
I win!
She got you, moricone.
The group has spoken.
It is time for you to go.
No! No!
You goddamn psycho!
Kimberlee, watch your language!
We're on television.
First Notch, now Colin.
I mean, even though he was gay,
we were still gonna be friends.
When we got back to the states,
he was gonna give me
a... A makeover.
Colin's been eliminated,
and we understand Notch
is still eliminating.
What am I gonna do
for toilet paper?
Oh, wait. I know.
Hey,
it's spank the monkey!
Uh, no, thanks, spank.
I just had lunch,
but, uh, you don't have
an extra diaper, do ya?
Ok. Thought I'd ask.
Spank, do you have
any idea where Sanchez
might have taken my crew?
Ha ha. Ungawa.
Ungawa.
Apparently, Sanchez
is dirtier than we thought.
Myna had won that game
and was supposed to get
a luxury item.
Turns out that
luxury item was death.
I can't believe dirty Sanchez
lied to us.
Myna's gone.
When I'm naughty,
who will spank my bare bottom?
Now myna's in heaven
with our lord,
mayor McJesus.
We need to get off this island.
I mean, Notch Johnson
is missing his friends,
but I'm missing pilot season.
A few minutes ago,
we removed 2 nasty moles,
and now all that is left
is the famous...
SPF-30.
But since corporate America
has not called me
on my Ericsson cell phone,
one of you must die.
Look! My crew's alive!
Oh, thank god!
We are going to make
this game interesting...
Just like your reality shows.
You will get to vote to see
who will be killed first.
Listen, dirty Sanchez,
this voting against
each other is sick.
Yeah. What is this,
Sophie's Choice?
Shut up and vote!
I can't stand seeing my crew
have to vote against
each other like this.
Poor Chip. I'm
like his step-fuhrer.
Sweet, chocolaty Jamaica.
And B.J., she's so much like me.
If I had blonde
hair, big breasts,
and no overbite.
Look, guys,
I don't know about you,
but...
I don't wanna die.
I don't want to vote
for someone else to die.
Be quiet and play the game.
B.J., don't vote for me because
I hooked up with Tyreece.
If it means anything,
he was hung like a white guy.
How could I vote for you?
I don't know how
to spell your name.
I just want to say
to all of you...
If I've done anything
to offend you...
Or committed any atrocities...
I'm so sorry.
Guys, working on the SPF-30
has been the greatest
experience of my life.
Especially working with Notch.
Oh, Notch, I miss you.
Can you turn
that thing off, please?
The moment of truth has arrived.
Now cast your ballots,
and we'll see who lives...
And who dies.
And see who will be
the first to be killed.
I gotta come up with
a plan to save them.
There's only one problem.
This is where Kimberlee
usually helps me
think of something.
She really knows how
to use her head.
And the winner is...
Or in this case, the loser is...
I'd say the loser is you,
dirty Sanchez!
Notch Johnson!
How could you still be alive?!
That's for me to know
and for you to find out.
¡Huevos rancheros, mi amigos!
Aah!
Porcelain! Give me a hand.
Notch!
Kimberlee.
Go ahead and shoot her,
but your bullets will have
to go through me first.
You would waste your life
for this beach?
First of all, it's not "beach."
It's bitch,
and this bitch just happens
to be my solid number 2.
She may also be my gi...
My googer...
My girlyfriend.
Oh, Notch, you mean it?
Can I get back to you on that?
Then I will just have
to kill you, Mr. Notch Johnson.
No! No!
But this time,
I will finish the job.
Notch! No! Notch!
No!
No!
Oh, my god!
No!
Sanchez, what the
is going on here?
Don't look at me, babe.
I'm just an actor.
I guess it's time to let you in
on our little secret.
I thought you were dead.
Not now, Kimberlee.
I want to hear the secret.
No, I'm not dead.
Notch Johnson is also
quite alive.
I am?
As a matter of fact,
nobody died here.
The bullets, all fakes.
Ok, Mr. Host, if indeed
that is your real name,
I want to know
what's going on here.
Was this just a TV show
done in the name of ratings?
Not just a television show,
Mr. Johnson.
Who are you?
I'm Tex Finklestein.
And this was all my idea.
You see, my goy,
Penetration Island was
never just a television show.
Ha ha.
No, thanks to you, I reckon,
this is the biggest damn magilla
in the history of mass media.
Mr. Finklestein,
you make me sick.
Playing with people's lives
in front of the whole world?
When are you
TV executives gonna see
that you've taken this whole
reality programming thing too far?
Yeah, Kimberlee's right.
We need to get back to good
old-fashioned scripted shows.
With story arcs and good actors
like Stephen Urkel.
Yeah, Mr. Hebrew cowboy.
We want laugh tracks.
And theme songs that are
always on the tip of your throat.
Yeah! Show me a reality show
where somebody says, "shazam,"
or, "power to the moon,"
or, "I'm comin', 'Lizabeth!"
You want that, don't you?
Well, it's up to you!
You have to demand
scripted programming,
so right now, I want you
to get up off your couches,
I want you to go to your windows
and shout, "I want
scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!"
Come on, everybody, do it!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
I want scripted programming,
and I'm not gonna
take it anymore!
You see, Mr. Frankenstein,
your reality programming is
nothing but a big ugly skid Mark
on the clean white TV landscape.
Now you hold your
horseradish, partner.
You seem to forget
you just won 1 million bucks
fair and square.
Now we can rebuild the
orphans and retards home.
Ha ha ha, yeah.
Tex, remember me?
No.
Show him the top
of your head, Porcelain.
Very funny, Kimberlee.
Oh, yeah.
Nice to see you again.
Uh, oh, Tex, I have this project
I want to talk to you about...
Uh, Kimberlee,
I have a confession to make.
Without you by my side,
I didn't know
what to do out there.
Oh, Notch.
I've learned to count
on you as my right hand,
and I always need my right
hand to make me feel good.
Ohh...
Oh, hey, just out of curiosity,
who did you guys
vote off the planet?
Ooh...
Ahh...
We're not just a unit.
We're a family.
Ohh...
Peas, peas, peas, peas
bean and goober peas
goodness how delicious
Eating goober peas
Ha ha!
Son of the Beach will
return after this.
Hi, teens. Notch Johnson here.
Ha ha. Hey, you caught me.
I was just playing with myself.
Actually, teens, this is
one of my new action figures
available from N2 Toys.
You see, tonight's show
was about product placement.
Now what is product placement?
Well, advertisers will pay
to have their products
seen or mentioned
on a television show.
For example,
every time I hold up
this delicious bag of Doritos...
I can make money.
Popeye's chicken...
Krispy kreme doughnuts.
Hey, is today Tuesday?
That means it's
Hormel chili day.
And after all that food,
I'm gonna want to wash it down
with an ice-cold Coca-Cola...
While wearing
silhouette sunglasses.
But not before I drive home
in my brand-new Chrysler
Sebring convertible!
So that's product placement,
but, teens, do you
think for a second
that your Notch Johnson's gonna
fall for such crass commercialism?
No way, José...
Cuervo.
So until next time,