Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 6 - Light My Firebush - full transcript

Roger. Officer respondin'
to domestic violence. Over.

Help! Help!

It's my stepdaddy Raymond.

He's beating my mama!

That Raymond's a bad man.

Nobody loves Raymond.

It's been horrible
ever since he moved back in.

He has no respect for women.


I know you done
turned me in, B.J.

Get off.
If it's the last thing I do...

I'm gonna get you!

Get off. Aah!

Don't take him away!

He didn't hit me
that hard! Oh!

- Get on in there now.
- I love you, Ray.

- You're dead, B.J.!
- Here, sweetie.



What are you doing here...

all the way
from Clinton, Arkansas?

And why are you watching
that dumb tape again?

Is that the kind of welcome...

I get from my own girl...

who I birthed at the age of nine...

in a stall
at Ross's Dress For Less?

Sorry, Mama.

Where are my manners?

- Can I offer you a Mountain Dew?
- Yeah.

Let's see, do I have any?

You still take sugar in it, right?

And some cough syrup,
if you got it.

But first...

B.J., I have some
awful news for you.

Your stepdaddy Ray
is out on parole...

and he's comin' to get you.

You're dead, B.J.!



Tonight's episode:

Caution: Son of the Beach
may cause major swelling.

Burn it and burn it.

And burn it and burn it
and burn it.

And burn it and burn it
and burn it and burn it.

And burn it. All right!

All right!

Folks, that's Notch Aerobics.

30 seconds, once a month...

and you can have
a body like this.

- Ooh.
- Someday.

All right, let's all breathe in.

And... let it out.

Okay, see you in 30 days.

That sound
can only mean one thing...

It's my Indian
half-sister... Firebush.


- H-Hey.
- Oh, hi.

Hi, Firebush.

Hey, Firebush.
Get off your high horse.

Hello, Notch
"Little Worm" Johnson.

are you doing?

A drought has caused much misery
on the Cojone reservation.

- No!
- My people have all left to find work, mostly in liquor stores.

Now, I need a job.

Well, Notch, maybe she could
work here as a lifeguard...

until the drought ends.

that's a great idea.

Firebush, I'd love
to put you on my unit.

God, it'll be great.
Right on.

I will do my best
to make you all proud.

I'm hungry after that workout.

- Where are we going for lunch?
- Why go anywhere...

when the earth has provided us
with so much bounty?

Let's eat.

So, how are you
enjoying your seagull?

It's great.
Tastes a lot like pelican.

- Uh, Notch.
- Oh.

I'm still hungry.

Kimberlee, will you mind
if I grab your breast?

No time for that, Chip. You and Jamaica
have to go train Firebush.

Let's roll, kemo sabe.

- Kimberlee, more sauce for your thigh?
- What?

- Oh.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I want you
to meet my mama.

Ima Cummings.

I recognize you from the cop show
you were on with B.J.

Wow, Mama, seems like
everyone's seen our Fuzz.

And I know you folk
from the letters B.J. draws me.

- Oh.
- You're Notch Johnson...

the world-famous hero type.

And you're Kimberlee Clark,
the sensible, flat-chested one.

Well, yes.

I guess we can't
all be as gifted...

as your little B.J. here.

Yeah, well, I knew
she was something special...

ever since that day she won
the Little Miss Bumps Contest.

"Little Miss Bumps"?

It's a bikini contest
for overdeveloped six-year-old girls.

Wow. What would a bikini contest
for six-year-olds be like?

Hello, fellow Americans.
I'm Larry Flynt.

Freedom of speech is one
of our most precious rights...

but let's face it...

even the First Amendment
has its limits.

Smut like this has
no place on television.

So let's clean up
this show, boys.

No. What I meant was,
what would the contest be like...

when the girls are grown up?





Okay, Kimberlee, let's beat it.

Hey, Notch? I wanna hang out
with my mama today.

Can I get off early?

B.J., I can get you off
with one finger.

- Have a great day. Nice to meet you.
- Thank you. You too.

Excuse me, hon,
while I go freshen up.


I just love these double-wide
handicap stalls you got here.

Boy, those crippled folks
sure know how to live!

Hey, lifeguard.

How about giving your stepdaddy...

a little mouth-to-mouth?


Then the invaders came.

They conquered my people
and stole our land.

Wait. You're from Poland?

Did you see that?
He defiled the earth.

- Damn litterbug.
- What can you do?

I think she's
Indian wrestling him.

Ooh, now she's giving him
an Indian burn.

You stay away from her, Ray.

You gonna stop me, Ima?

You know you could
never stand up to me.

I do love you, Ray.

But that restraining order
is still in effect.

- You can't come within six inches of me.
- Yeah.

I could violate you...

and still respect that
restraining order...

if you catch my drift.

You leave her alone, you bastard!

Call me.

Oh, B.J., not only
is this hard on you...

- it's hard on me.
- Well, I just talked to the police.

As long as Ray honors the restraining
order, there's nothing they can do.

So there's no way
to force Ray to leave town?

The only thing we can do is go
to the mayor and get an ordinance.

I've got an idea.

Let's go to the mayor
and get an ordinance.

B.J., we're gonna wash that Ray
right out of your hair.

- Just a minute. I'm coming.
- Must be in a meeting.


This better
be good, Johnson.

No, Mayor, it's bad.

B.J.'s evil stepdaddy
is stalking her.

We need you
to sign an ordinance...

to ban this guy Ray
from Malibu Adjacent.

Yeah, I want a Ray ban.

Isn't that a coincidence?

My new boyfriend's name is Ray.

Couldn't help but overhear...

everybody talking about me.

You listen to me, Ray.
You leave B.J. alone.

Can't you see she doesn't have
an evil bone in her body?

Not yet she don't.

Oh, please. Ray's harmless.
He's just my little country bumpkin.

Can't you see
he's just using you?

Yes, and if you're finished,
I'd like to get back to that.

You might be interested to know
that Ima is still married to Ray.

- The man's a two-timer.
- Oh, I don't mind.

So long as he's not three-timing me.
Well, I have my pride.

Don't you want Ray to leave?

Well, he cheats on me,
but I still love him.

I'm torn.

B.J., do you know
what it's like to be torn?

No, Mama.
I'm a virgin.

Well, now that's settled.
Thank you all for coming.

Y'all come back now, hear?

Beat it, sister.

All right, come on.

Squeal, piggy.!

"Squeal, piggy"?

- That's what he used to say to me.
- Come on, Mama.

Three across.
Ancient Jewish king. Five letters.

Yo, Chip, can we give it a rest?

Nein! We must solve
the Jewish question!


Oh, no!
The little ones are warring.

Little ones, please.
We are of the same clay.

There is no need to fight.

She's maintaining order.

Now, to settle this...

we must inhale from
the pipe of peace.

- Is that a pipe I'm peeping?
- When you're ready, Jimmy...

remove your hand
from the sacred carb.

Firebush, that is
strictly verboten.!

- But that's a peace pipe.
- Native American, please.

That may fly in South Central,
but, girlfriend...

you in Malibu Adjacent.

Just keep going.


Come on.

I can't take it
anymore, Mama.

- How could you even fall for Ray in the first place?
- I'm sorry, baby.

It's just that he was so handsome,
and I was so drunk.

You know how those
family reunions are.

- Listen to me.
- What?

Either you get Ray
away from me...

or I will never talk
or draw you letters again.

Okay, sweet face.

I will go and talk to Ray.

Uhh. Maybe the leopard outfit.

We just ain't really sure that
Firebush is lifeguard material.

What makes you say that?

Yeah. You guys need
to be more tolerant.

Look, no one is more tolerant
than the German people.

You know, there's even a museum
dedicated to our tolerance.

Okay, I'll talk to her.
I'll take care of it.

A' right.

I have great news.

Ray and my mom are
headed back to Arkansas.

Look at me.
I'm so excited.

- Oh, that's wonderful news.
- Looks like Kimberlee's excited too.

I have terrible news.

Ray and your mama are
heading back to Arkansas.

At least I had one night
with that country stud.

And what a night it was.

Oh, my God. There's no excuse
for a man hitting a woman.

Oh, no, it was my fault.

I took way too long to fetch
that beer from the fridge.

Anybody for lunch?

Uh, Firebush,
we need to talk.

Let's sit, Indian-style.

Firebush, do you remember when
I left the world of the white man...

and had to learn
the ways of the Cojone?

You mean like
wiping with leaves?

You obviously recall
the whole poison ivy incident.

Well, now it's time for you
to forget the ways of the Cojone...

and adjust to our world.

I understand.
I will make the change.

Ha ha. Good girl.

Aargh, it's that darn
graffiti guy again.

Please. Let the new Firebush
take care of this.

Oh. Oh, God.!

Man down.
B.J., quick. Call 911.

411? What's the number
to 911? Thanks.

Daddy's home.
Time for payback.

Ohh. Aah!

Get in the truck.
Get in the truck! Get up!

Drive, bitch. Drive!

But I can't drive an automatic.

Where are those paramedics?

I'll go check and see
what's taking B.J. so long.

Little Worm, I believe
I can heal this man.

Do you know where
I might find a water buffalo?

Firebush, you're my sister.

When you first joined us,
I was exhilarated.

You made my unit
swell with pride.

But now I'm afraid
I have to let you go.

I understand.

I have brought shame
to this beach.

Good-bye, Little Worm.

Notch, look what I found.

Ooh, it's Notch's cell phone
and a gold tooth!

Wow. A gold tooth!

Just like the ones
my Uncle Franz used to collect.

Can I hold it?

The tooth?
You can't handle the tooth.

No. Don't you get it?
The tooth belongs to Ray...

and B.J. had the cell phone.

I'll bet the two of them had
a struggle, and now he's kidnapped her.

This tooth reeks of evil spirits.

The evil went thataway...

Over the mountains
and through the woods.

All right, gang...

I want choppers,
amphibious vehicles...

and some of those little
key chain flashlights.

Hey, where's
Firebush going?

I know where she's going...

to save B.J.

Come on.

Let's go, you bitches.
Go.! Come on.

- All right. All right.
- Go. Go.

Go. Get your asses in that
old abandoned mine shaft.

We have to hurry.
I can't see hide nor hair of Firebush.

Come on, git. Get up. Go.

This bridge looks
dangerous and rickety.

Be brave, darlin'.
Mama loves you.

Daddy loves you too.
At least I'm fixin' to. Go on. Git.

I'm scared. I don't know
if I can do this.

I saw Firebush head in here.
And there's Ray's truck.

Poor B.J.
She must be freaking.

- It's pitch black in that mine shaft.
- It's okay, Jamaica.

If anybody can handle
a big, black shaft, it's B.J.

Come on.

Oh. Aah!

Unhand the woman,
or face my wrath.

How you gonna
get us now, Injun?

Don't just leave us here.

She don't care about you.

Only your daddy cares about you.

Oh, come on now, Ray.

- Get outta my way.
- No.

Hi, B.J.

There they are.

- Oh, no. We're too late.
- No, no. It's okay, gang.

I think I know what to do.

Now stop it, Ray.
Just stop it.

What happened to Firebush?

Looks like she
let us down again.

No, she didn't. Look.

- Mom!
- Yeah.


- Hyah!
- Oh, my God, Ray.

- Ima, help me, Ima.
- I don't know why I'm helping you.

Oh, you know I love you,
possum pie.

You know when I hit you,
it ain't nothing personal.

I know that, honeybunch.

So I hope you don't
take this personal.


Oh, I love you, Mama.

I love you, sweet face.

There go one brother
who really got the shaft.

Firebush, in honor
of your heroic actions...

we present you
the SPF-30 patch.

You've earned it.

But that looks too big to fit.

Girlfriend, you gonna have to
shave down your patch.

Mine's trimmed perfectly.
I'll show you how.

You know, as much
as I enjoyed tonight's episode...

I couldn't help but feel
something was missing.

Let's try that ending
one more time.

Girlfriend, you gonna have to
shave down your patch.

Mine's trimmed perfectly.
I'll show you how.

But first, I wanna thank you
for saving my life.

Much better. Good night, folks.

Oh, hi, teens.

Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was about
a battered woman from the South.

But so many battered things
come from the South.

You've got battered chicken...

battered shrimp...

battered catfish...

and, of course, batteries.

So what's the problem
with battering? High cholesterol.

Now, teens, people our age
don't have to worry about that...

but others do.

So if you should meet
a known batterer...

I'd like to recommend
my new product...

Notch Johnson's
I Can't Believe It's Not Batter.

And you'll say...


I can't believe
it's not batter. Mmm.

Until next time,
this is Notch Johnson saying...

"Ride the big one."