Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 5 - Queefer Madness - full transcript

Tonight, the episode
your teens don't want you to see.

Hopped up on...

Look at me! I'm crazy!

It's the story of mad biker youth...

running wild in a town without pity...

with only Notch Johnson there
to make peace...

with a gang leader nobody really knows.

You don't know me, man.

You don't know me, man!

Juvenile delinquents with only one thing
on their mind: cool lingo and...

I'm cruisin' for a chickadee...

whose zip code
ain't in Squaresville, dig?


It'll make you think twice
before you trust your child again.

Decolorized to make it...

Tonight's episode:

What you're about to see
is a true story...

a story that can happen in any town.

I know, because it happened in mine.

They were a gang of young toughs...

who blew into town like a mud slide.

There was Johnny,
their quiet but silent leader...

and Loverboy, called that...

because he was quite a lover, boy.

And lastly, Krazy.

He was so insane
he spelled it with a "K."

They were a biker gang
known as Hell's Orphans...

and after they rode into town...

things were never the same.

God, these kids are amazing!

Another boring competition
in our boring little town.

I'm bored.

Are you cuckoo?

This is more fun
than the barrel of gypsies!

The mayor doesn't like it
'cause Notch wins every year.

Ha ha!

Hey, gang!

I wanna show you some rad new moves.


Wow, Notch!
Whenever you do that...

it's like you become someone else.

So, what are you gonna do with the
$5,000 prize money this year, Johnson?

Same thing I always do.

It's going to the Notch Johnson
Home for Orphans and Retards.

Oh... Wait... What...

Mein chief, we need order!

Chip, let's not
shoot off our gun prematurely.

I'll talk to them.

I take it you fellas are here...

to enter the XBM games.

Ride around some dumb playground
for one of these things?

That's cornball stuff, daddy-O.

Then what are you hooligans doing here?

Hey, hey! It's Colonel Klink!

Chip. Chip!

Let me handle this.

You must be the big cheese around here.

Yes, I'm the head cheese.
Notch Johnson.

Well, I'm Queefer.
Johnny Queefer.

Queefer, Queefer...
it's got a familiar sound.

It's like a breath of warm air.

Do the Queefers
come from the Nether Regions?

Nah, the Queefers come from Down Under.

Hey, look at me! I'm crazy!

Yeah, that's Krazy.

Don't worry, he won't hurt nobody.

He's just crazy, that's all.

This here's Loverboy.

Loverboy's lookin' for a doll...

that likes some shovin'
with her lovin'.

Hey, Johnny!

Now, that's Razor.

I can't ride a bike,
on the count of the fact...

I couldn't afford no lessons.

Kids, do your parents
know where you are?

She thinks we got parents.

Hey, Johnny.

Let's dig the local action
and blow this joint.

Boy, I'd like to blow his joint.

These kids are vermin.

They need to be put on a train
and sent east!

Chip! Come on, now.

In this country,
you're innocent until proven guilty.

Yo, dude.
That's a good one, dog.

You like it, Johnny?

I stole it for you.

I like it 'cause it's all shiny.

Let me get you an egg cream.


Look at me! I'm crazy!

Hello, Johnny.

Johnny, I think we could
have a lot of yuks.

Talk to me, Johnny.

Buy me a malt. Sing me a song.

I'll sing you a song, you old bag.

Not exactly the song I had in mind.

This is for you squares
with your button-down lives.

Say your prayers, eat your steaks.

Sister Suzy plays with her Easy-Bake.

Life's a drag, man.

Heavy pettin' at the drive-in flick.

Three-day-old fish
kinda makes me sick.

Life's a drag, man.

Don't ask, don't smell.

Now, play it with me here.

Objects may be larger than they appear.

I need some glue.

Life's a drag, man.

A real drag.

What about these chicks, huh?

Hey, Loverboy,
here comes that snake you dig.

Why don't you make your move?

Loverboy's gonna
bag her like groceries, dig?

Hey. Tomato.

How's about it?

You act real cool, but I'll bet...

when you're away from your buddies,
you're tender and mild...

just like the Baby Jesus.

Hello, Johnny.

Have a seat.

I know where you're at, sand pig.

You're wantin' us
headed to Splitsville.

See, I already dig
what you're layin' down.

What are you rebelling against, Johnny?

What do you got?

Oh, that's heavy.

Johnny, I think the reason
you like that trophy so much...

is because you've never known
what it's like to be a winner.

Well, you don't know
what it's like to be an orphan!

You're an orphan?

You think you know me,
but you don't know me, man.

I'm sick of squares
sayin' they know me...

sayin' they'll care for me...

sayin' they'll be there for me...

and never showing up!

Look at the damage he's done.

Ain't that enough to force out Queefer
and his stinkin' posse?

Let's not be hasty.

Chief, have you gone soft?

Gone soft?

I'll show you a soft Johnson!

That kid was an orphan...

and if there's one thing
that I cannot take...

it's when parents let their kids...

grow up to be orphans!

Oh, Notch, it's OK.

Notch, we did some checking on Queefer.

Queefer, Queefer...

Where do I know that name?

not only was Johnny an orphan...

but he spent most of his life
in reform school.


And worse, he did time
at Michael Jackson's ranch.


What is it about Johnny
that's gettin' to you, Notch?

It's all the little Johnnies, Kimberlee.

I have to help them.

I can't tell you how important it is...

for me to touch young men.

Hello, Johnny.

Out of my face, you old crow.

Rally tonight at the old warehouse!

Rally tonight at the old warehouse.

We have to drive these undesirables
from our land.

Rally tonight.

Hey, pigeon, wanna take a train ride?

Come on, baby.
Take a ride with us.

All right, baby. Come on.

Hey, baby.

I don't like your circle, jerk.

Well, we dig you.

Hop on.
I'll get you out of here.

You're not gonna hurt me, are you?

Well, Loverboy has been known
to love 'em and leave 'em.

You know what I think?

I think you talk a big game...

but deep down inside
you're as gentle as a child's laxative.

Loverboy never shows
anybody his real side.

How'd you see it?

Because I'm a virgin.

You mean you've never had
a baseball card between your spokes?

I've never had any chicken
in my sizzling pot pie.

B.J., I don't know
how to tell you this, but...

I'm a virgin, too.

What a coinkidink!

Hey, I know we just met...

but would you like to come inside
my little pink trailer?

Oh, wild.

Comrades, I love Malibu Adjacent...

almost as much as I love Germany.

It's my step-fatherland.

We were a quiet village...

before these chain-stuffed hoodlums...

infested our town like cockroaches!

And cockroaches must be exterminated!

Ihr muss'um jeden preis versuchen...

Malibu von der schmutz zu befreien!

Let's kick some orphan ass!


Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yo, Krazy!

Probably want me to stop,
but I can't 'cause I'm crazy. Ha ha!

Yeah, you crazy, all right.

Some of them sounds is kind of dope.

You really could be the bomb
if you could just sit still.

I am sitting still!


Hey, I got an idea
that could really help you out.

There he is, Notch.

I think you should be careful.

He's got a real Chip on his shoulder.

Then why don't I go see
what makes him hard?

Well, here's Johnny.

Heh heh heh.

Johnny, uh, I know about the orphanage.

I was an orphan.
You can trust me.

I trusted a lifeguard once.

I ain't makin' no deals with no guard.

Then don't think of me as a guard.

Think of me as a friend.

You'll be my friend.

Well, OK. Then I'll try, man.

The reason I'm so hard is...

There they are!

Now you're gonna see
a real sour kraut in action.

The reason I'm so hard is...

you didn't save me when I was a kid!

What are you talking about?

I was at the Notch Johnson Home
for Orphans and Retards.

I had no idea.

In that case, I'll speak "retard."

I don't remember. I didn't...

No! No.

I was an orphan, man, not a retard.

Oh, sorry.

Anyway, one day I get...
I get busted by the cops, see?

They wanna take me to juvenile hall.

The only way I can stay
in the orphanage...

is if Notch Johnson speaks up for me.

But Notch Johnson never shows.

Now I remember.

Johnny, I couldn't make it that day...

because I had to save the Hernandezes...

a Latino family who always drowns...

because they swim with their clothes on.

Well, you may have saved them,
but I spent my life in a reform school!

Why, Notch?
Why'd you do it to me?

Johnny, you clutch that trophy
like you earned it.

Why not try to earn it for real?

I ain't followin'.

Look, the only way to be a winner
is to run the race...

so why don't you enter the XBM games?

I don't know, Notch.

The pain's too great.

Then think of the pain if you don't try!

Believe in me, Johnny.
Believe in me!


So, this is your little pink trailer.

It smells fresh.

Like a summer's eve.

Thanks. I'll give you a tour.

This is my wall...

and this is my sink/toilet...

and this is my bed.

B.J., I don't think we're ready.

I agree.
We're both virgins.

But there is one thing I can do...

with my mouth.

I can make out with you.

What would that be like?

Little Stevie Webster scores a 6.9.

Yo, dog, I think I found the answer
to your problem.


No, Prozac.

Notch, you're next.

I'm waiting for Johnny.
Where is he?

My angry mob scared him off.

We've silenced Queefer for good.

Chip Rommel, there is no room
for vigilante justice on my beach.

I am your superior,
and you are to respect my authority.

You're right.
I committed the ultimate sin.

I did not follow orders.

I'm so sorry!

Don't apologize to me.
Apologize to Johnny.

And here's your chance. Look.

Johnny boy, Johnny, I'm so sorry!

Hey, hey, hey!
Back off, I don't go for that.

Where do I sign up, Notch?

Just get some pads and a regulation bike
and get in there.

Ha ha!

Look! There's a nice bench.

Great. That way
we can watch the contest...

and make out!

Folks, there seems to be a late entry.

Johnny Queefer of nowhere in particular.

Ladies and gentlemen...

he's an orphan and he deserves a chance.

Go ahead, son.
And Johnny, be good.




Excellent run,
and the judge gives him a 9.2...

the best score we've had today.

And now our last contestant...

Malibu Adjacent's own nine-time champ,
Notch Johnson.


I can't believe it.

Johnson has botched
a relatively simple turn.

That means you won, Johnny.

That makes the winner Johnny Queefer
of nowhere in particular!

You let him win, didn't you, Notch?

Yes, I did, Kimberlee...

but you'll never get me to admit it.

Well, Johnny,
as you beatnik kids say...

mazel tov. Ha ha!

So what are you gonna do
with the prize money?

I'm givin' all the money
to the Notch Johnson Home.

Those orphans and retards
could sure use some football helmets.


So, Krazy, how's it feel to be normal?

Do you think we should abandon
the electoral college?

I liked you better when you were crazy.

Will you ever come back, Loverboy?

Oh, yeah, and when I do...

let's try for second base.


Just no sliding into home.

Ok, Orphans, let's saddle up.

Thanks again, daddy-O.

I know what you did for me.


And so Johnny and his gang
rode off and I was glad...

because I was able to touch a young man.

Yes, I touched him
in his most private area.

Uh, Notch?

His heart.

And... action.

That's because my real name...

is Ryan Queefer.

Of course. Ryan Queefer.

How could I forget a name like Ryan?