Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 4 - Rod Strikes Back - full transcript

The Divine Rod escapes prison, kidnaps B. J. and regains power of his cult. Plus, Chip's dog visits from Germany and is pitted against Steve The Dog in a variety of challenges.




How many times
I gotta tell you...

don't call me "screw."

I wasn't calling you screw.

I was just remembering
the good old days on the outside...

when that's what
I used to do for a living.

Well, what's stopping you here?

Look around.

You've got a lot of sweet young
inmate ass around here.

Do you know who I am?

My given name is Rod Petrie...

but I was reborn.

I am "The Divine Rod."

I used to have a cult of
20 of God's hottest creatures.

People used to pay to see me
bang 'em on the Internet.

So what happened?

Well, I'll tell you what happened.

I was right in the middle...

of a highly spiritual
pay-per-view event.

Just about to pop
a smokin' virgin named B.J.

when out of nowhere...

That's far enough, cult leader!

It's Notch Johnson.

He ruined everything!

But as Isaiah said to Thomas...

"My Kingdom shall
riseth from the ash-eths."

See, I'm gonna get
that Notch Johnson.

I'm gonna get my sweet B.J.

I'm gonna get my cult back.

And then, I'm gonna
get my funk on.

Well, you're gonna have
to wait 25 years to life...

Your Holiness...

and what's your B.J.
gonna look like then?

The laugh's on you...



Tonight's episode...

Tonight's episode
of Son of the Beach...

was written by
known heterosexuals.

Hi, welcome to Founder's Day.

Would you like some refreshments?

We've got milk, milk, lemonade...

and around the corner...

fudge is made.

I'm engineer Casey Milosevic.

Watch me pull a train.

Ah, ah! Choo, choo!

Get me wet.

Get B.J. wet.
Step right up. Come on.

Get B.J... aah!

Nice shot.

All right. Safeties off.

Let's shoot 'em up!


I can't wait
for our tongues to meet.

I'll let you know what it's like.

Now, now, Kody, darling.

Your dear mother goes first.

On this line,
you're not my mother.

You're an embarrassing older woman.

Why you little bitch!


Rommel, where are you going?

Sorry, a friend from Germany...

will be arriving any minute.



You're Notch Johnson, aren't you?

Last time I checked.

What can I do for you, old gal?

Well, actually, I... I was looking
for the kissing booth.

Oh, that's sweet.

It's right over there...

but Chip's not here right now.

Oh, bless your heart.
That's OK.

I just want to be first in line
when he comes back.

It's going to be a real blast.

Notch, something about
that old lady seemed odd.

Kimberlee, she's
a harmless old woman.

What could possibly happen?

Right on time.

Welcome to America,
my little Schitzy.

Oh, Schitzy,
I've missed you so much.

It's such a long swim
from Germany.

You're right, Schitzy.

We are reunited,
just like the two Germanys.

Notch, this isn't a hospital.

It's a lifeguard station.

We're not equipped
to handle all these people.

because of that explosion...

every hospital room
in the city is booked.

Now quit yakking...

and help me with this operation.

I need those saline bags!

You'll be OK, Private Ryan.


I just spoke to the police.

They said that explosion
was the bomb...

but I thought it was wack.

No, Jamaica,
they meant it was a bomb.

You know, I always wondered...

about working on a bomb squad.

Word! What would that be like?


Being on the bomb squad...

would be dyno-mite!


Hey, everyone!

What happened here?

There was an explosion.

It was horrible.

Hey! Who's the pup?

Yeah, who let the dog out?

This is my Schitzy.

He swam here from Germany.


Oh, my God, he's so cute.

Hi, Schitzy.

Yeah, but can he turn tricks?

Watch this.

Achtung.! Schitzy, salute!


Now, Schitzy.
Sniff for immigrants.



Now, Schitzy.

Be a Frenchman during
the German occupation.


Chief, I was wondering...

if maybe Schitzy can be
your new life-dog?

Chip, how can you take
a Schitzy over Steve?

Steve is just
a lazy American dog!

Schitzy has superior breeding!

He's a German shitshund Shepherd.

Well, Steve over there is a...

som'in' som'in'.

Schitzy would like...

to challenge Steve
to a competition.

Me and Steve
accept your challenge!

Very good.

Come on, Schitzy.

Uh, Notch!

I could use your help over here.

Hey, everyone!

I'm on TV!

And now an address by
Mayor Anita Massengil.

My fellow Malibu Adjacenters...

today, an open-mouthed
kissing booth was blown up...

or for you people
in the trailer park...

blowed up.


But remain calm.

Your mayor is in complete control.

Hello, friends.

The Divine Rod here.

Are you wondering who bombed...

your stupid little carnival today?

It was me, getting even.

I wonder what he wants.

I want $1 million, a boat,
and no one follows me.

Do you think he means business?

To show that I mean business...

you can expect
another explosion soon.

Take that, Notch Johnson.

For now, this is
the Divine Rod saying...

so long, good-bye...

auf wiedersehen, farewell.

In other words,
we have nothing to fear...

but fear itself.

We now return you to
Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pizza Place.

Malibu Adjacent is
a town gripped by fear...

because of a cult leader
turned terrorist... the Divine Rod.

No one knows where or when
the next bomb will go off...

and as you can see...

frightened residents
of this beach town...

have already begun
a mass exodus.

From Malibu Adjacent...

this is the Asian news reporter...

sending it back to you,
black anchorman.

If that nut job...

thinks I'm paying him
$1,000,000 ransom...

he can eat my shorts.

Hmm. Mine, too.

Anita Massengil does not
negotiate with terrorists.

Come on, Kody.

Hello! Oh, Mr. Johnson.

I'm-a Mario.

I'm-a here to wax the mayor's car.

Super, Mario.

It's the black town car
parked in space 36.

Oh, I really get a bang
out of those-a town cars.

You see.
All Italians aren't in the Mafia.

Some of them are janitors.

Notch, didn't that guy
seem familiar?

Oh, my God!
I think that was Rod!


Oh, my God!

I can't believe
I almost got blown up...

without ever tasting manhood.

I've changed my mind.
We're paying the ransom.

Mayor, let's not be too hasty.

Besides, where do we even find
this "pa-sycho?"

Look, Notch!

"I'll be sittin' on Dockeda Bay.

Best regards, the Divine Rod."

Someone's got to deliver
$1 million to a madman.

I'll deliver the goods.

I have no family...

except the adjacent city
that I almost love.

Yo, Steve.

Man, I'm gonna get
you into shape, dog.

We gonna squish
that little Schitzy.

Talk the talk with a rivalry

This ain't no game of fetch

You've got to stand tall

Lift your leg
and mark your territory

Lick his butt

Don't sit and play
with your balls

And to the top you can climb

If you stop wasting your time

And get the

Tooth of the canine

Get on those balls

And do it doggy-style

Always have to make
the big entrance, don't you, Rod?

I'm right behind you.


Don't do that!

You're going to give
somebody a heart attack.

The day of reckoning hath arrive-ed.

Now forketh over the cash.

No problemeth.

I only have two questions:


Ever since you stopped me
from snatching the prize...

from B.J.'s crackerjack box...

"Little Rod" hasn't worked.

You mean you can't fly the flag?

Raise the bridge?

Salute the general?

Your pasta's overcooked?


Now, give me my money!


Here's your money.


Oh, my God!

I'm bluish!

Heh heh heh.

Your bombing days are over, Rod.

I had a feeling
you'd try something stupid.

Well, you were right...

so what are you going
to do about it, punk?

You have a friend
who uses a wheelchair.

Even as we speak, he's rolling...

rolling, rolling
down the boardwalk.

Professor Milosevic?

Right. Now what he doesn't know...

is that I planted a bomb
under his chair.

I thought it would be amusing...

if his wheelchair drops
below four miles an hour...

he goes kablooey.

Son of a...

Notch Johnson to headquarters.

Go for B.J.

B.J., I'm out at Dockeda Bay.

I've got Rod,
and he's on the pipe.

Come and get him.

Kimberlee, I'm going to need...

a really good book
on defusing bombs...

preferably one with pictures.

Roger that.

Jimmy crack corn

And I don't care

Jimmy crack corn

And I don't care

We've got to find him.

Every day at this time...

he goes out
for a vigorous roll.

There he is!

Professor Milosevic, don't stop!

I don't think he hears us.

You've never been more righter.

Stop, sir.

SPF 30 needs your vehicle.

Uhh, uhh, oh!

Hop on, Kimberlee.

You drive.

- But, Notch.
- It's OK.


Come on! Faster, faster!

I'm going! I'm going!

Catch up. You can do it!

Get up there.


You have a bomb in your chair!

No. I just changed my diaper.
Ha ha.

Don't stop. I'm coming over.

Oh, oh!

Professor, if you go
below four miles an hour...

you'll explode.

No problem-o, Notch.

I'll just kick it into hyperdrive.


Watch out! Watch out!

Watch out!
Here comes another...


There's no time.

I've got to disarm it.

Ah, ah!

But, Notch...

shouldn't we at least
have dinner first?

Ha ha ha!

Ok, Kimberlee, what do I do?

Unscrew the wing nut.




Nuh, nuh, nuh!

Thank you for saving
my life, Notch.

You are so beautiful to me.

Aw, Professor.

You're getting that
emotional look in your face.

Besides, the bomb never exploded.

Sushi, anyone?
Ha ha ha ha.

Hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was about
minority newscasters...

and why they're
so darn appealing.

Congratulations on
throwing the bomb, Johnson.

Well, if it isn't the Divine Rod.

No doubt calling from jail.

I'm not in jail, you moron.


Oh, and thanks for sending me B.J.

Oh, she's just what I needed...

for my little big problem.


You better not lay a hand
on that dish, Petrie.

So what do you want this time?

In 60 minutes,
I want $5 million in cash...

and a jet with enough fuel
to get me to Cuba.

- Oh!
- Sixty minutes.

I'll need at least an hour.

Well, then, you better
say good-bye...

to your little blonde
bombshell, Bozo.

Sixty minutes, Johnson...

- or she'll be blown to kingdom come.
- No!

What are we going to do?

Rod has B.J...

and I don't know
where he's taken her.

All he said was...

"In 60 minutes she'll
be blown to kingdom come."

Wait a minute.

"Kingdom Come?"

Wasn't that the name of
Rod's compound?

To help you win...

I want you to wear
this lucky kuffi.

Your tribal garb
will not help him.

He's completely
out of his battalion.


We'll see about that!

Auf die platze.!


Go, Steve, go! Go! Go! Go!

Go, go, mach schnell!

Go, go! Please!

- Aw.
- Yeah!

Well, Jamaica.

Now are you going to admit...

that Schitzy was
the master of this race?

I demand a urine test!

Steve is just a girlie dog.

As in schlechten hund.

Excuse me?!

Stevie is all man!

Hold up! Hold up!


Yo, where he at?

We are back.

Vengeance is mine,
sayeth Tracieth Lords.

And my vengeance
is moments away, B.J.

No! Please, don't.

Hey, now...

I think my serpent is ready...

to enter your Garden of Eden.



Hold it right there,
cult leader/mad bomber!

We've got your money and your jet.

Now give us back B.J.

-Just let me deflower her first.
- No!

You sick son of a...


Heh heh heh!

- Aaagh!
- Notch!

Don't look so shocked, Johnson.



What's up, dog?

Yo, man.

No! Aah! No!

I'm ready.

Look, ma!

No Viagra!


Yo, man, rap to me.

What's dog? You hear som'in'?


Yeeeegh! Aaaagh!

Now get the

Tooth of the canine

You've got to bite

For your right to survive

Get the

Tooth of the canine

Get on those balls
and do it doggy-style

Dang, chief...

you look like
Dr. Funkenstein's monster.

Funny, huh, Rod?

Even the leader of Kingdom Come...

never got to enter my girlie gates.

I would've...

if it weren't for
that pesky life-dog.

Aw, Steve, you got your job back.

Now how do you feel about Schitzy?

Schitzy, I had such
high hopes for you...

but you've disgraced me, the SPF 30...

and, most importantly,
the Fatherland.

You're no longer a Rommel.

Now... you know
what you have to do.

Go ahead.

Do the honorable thing.

Well, back to work.

Oh, hi, teens.

Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was
clearly about...

depression in animals...

so could you humans out there...

please leave the room?

I'd like to be
alone with the pets.

OK. Thanks.

Over the years...

I've seen too many animals
ravaged by bulimia...

obsessive-compulsive disorder...

and, in you birds, "parrot-noia."

The symptoms are loose stools...

lack of leg-humping...

dry nose...

and no more butt-scooting
across the carpet.

If you recognize these symptoms...

in you or a friend...

please call me...

or call that old dead guy
on Mutual of Omaha.

Until next time, this is
Notch Johnson saying...

ruff the big one.

Get the tooth of the canine

Get on those balls
and do it doggy-style